June 18th, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: Impeachment Edition

In a voice created by God to call for the impeachment of a former prime minister, Peter Tapsell called for the impeachment of Tony Blair. To bring the wretch to account for misleading the House of Commons.

Many Labour MPs want to impeach Ed Miliband for misleading the Labour party. Or, as now, for failing to lead it at all.

Today he stood up to the despatch box with a luxurious choice of Conservative crimes and misdemeanours to go on. Passport mayhem, euro-uselessness, cabinet carnage, dying children (there must be some somewhere).

And he spent six questions either agreeing with Cameron or reading out Wikipedia entries for Sunni/Shia discord. On Miliband’s report, these different interpretations of Islam have issues that need to be resolved.

He spread Labour’s jacket on the ground, covering puddles so the PM wouldn’t get his Lobbs wet.

What was the PM’s latest assessment of the situation in Iraq? Was Iran really going to help with these sectarian thingies? What more could we do to help refugees in Jordan? Would the PM make it clear that supporting ISIS “will simply fuel the conflict”.

“Be nice to me, I’m being nice to you,” he said, not quite audibly.

Then, one of his sixth form suggestions. There are British nationals fighting out there. What are we doing so that they can’t return to Britain?

Isn’t that an amazingly difficult thing to pull off, considering the status of these freedom fighters/ terrorists/ bloodthirsty maniacs/ liberation theologians? Not just their nationality but their human rights and the international agreements that bind governments? Isn’t that part of the legal cat’s cradle that Ed and his kin have spent 30 years knitting us into?

And yet here he throws it off, like a cloak, and demands untrammeled executive action. These liberals, these progressives – so often, they have an inner autocrat yodelling to be released.

The Speaker, while we’re on the subject, was asked more than once whether Cokerell’s cameras would be let into the voting lobbies during a vote (these lobbies are the place for private conversations, plots, rumour-mongering).

The Petit Prince avoided answering but confirmed heartily that cameras would not be allowed into the Tearooms. He didn’t think Members should be filmed eating their “baked beans on toast” (some well-bred shudders of revulsion).

Michael Gove called, “Three cheers for the Speaker!” but was dealt with easily. The Speaker’s mastery of the Commons is very depressing for his dwindling critics.


  1. 1
    Tony Blair says:

    I love the smell of napalm in the morning.


  2. 2
    Socialists are full of shit says:

    When they return from fighting in Iraq/Syria British nationals should be put under house arrest in the houses belonging to socialist wankers.


    • 6
      A bit harsh on the landlords says:

      Most socialists live in rented accommodation.


      • 14
        Socialists are full of shit says:

        Rented houses or bought make socialists literally fight for what they believe in every morning over breakfast with an Islamic extremist.


    • 121
      Anonymous says:

      Some of them who turned up in Iraq trying to surrender because they didn’t want to play any more met with “unfortunate accidents”.


  3. 3
    England is becummin a ferd world cess-pit, innit says:

    Yeah ok you Marxist rat,,,the schoolboys in the ouses of Paliament can do summink to solve the 1400 year old Sunni Shia conflict

    The shias in Baghdad such as the Badr Brigade are psychotic savages who kill Sunnis with power drills.
    Such demented savagery is beyond human comprehension.

    ISIL are repaying in blood all the Sunnis who’ve been butchered in Iraq since the war criminals Bush and his little boy Blair toppled the Baathists


  4. 11
    what a gay dave says:

    Im 43 and british. Its now too late for me to be anything other than british. Maybe if i’d moved to another country as an infant I could have changed.

    If I moved to america I could never be an American.

    If I accept that my moving to america would not make me american – why the fuck have I got to accept that someone moving here will be british when they get off the plane (or lorry)?


    • 26
      Tracksuit Jihadist says:

      Cuz you is racist, innit.


      • 38
        Dat woomn ob kular says:

        dat am de ting ta say! all dem whitey am de wraycist, dat am wot dey am – da wraycist.

        Me am de snow whitey wid me wad an de turkey, an wid me booty, am de complete calnedar gal.


    • 47
      The Growler says:

      Rupe says that if you have loads of money, you can be anything you like, Maggie gave him British citizenship, then he moved to the US and was made a US citizen.


      • 110
        He who sees clearly says:

        Being in possession of a piece of paper with “British” written on it, does not *actually* make you British in reality, no matter what the legal profession will make you believe.

        Any more than pinning a piece of paper with “fish” written on it, to a donkey, makes it an actual fish.


    • 122
      Alas, Poor Albion says:

      The fallacy in your argument is that you claim, without evidence, that you could never be an American. The fallacy is called ‘Begging the Question.’ Get an education before opening your mouth.


      • 125
        what a gay dave says:

        Im british. Why do you think moving to America would suddenly make me American?

        Would I be American if I went for a 10 day holiday to America?


  5. 13
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “Petit Prince” – excellent.


  6. 16

    It is going to take five years to restore Westminster Palace’s crumbling fabric, its first major overhaul in the century and a half which it has been standing.

    There has been talk of requisitioning the Queen Elizabeth II Conference Centre or County Hall for a temporary relocation during this time.

    Much better, surely, would be London Zoo. No need to take any of the animals out. No need for second homes. Our esteemed sketch writer could report safely from the other side of the cage bars (there won’t be any of the other type) and we can commiserate over those who happened to have been consumed by the occasional hungry tiger.

    Otherwise none of the proceedings will be recorded and no new laws will be passed.

    If that proves beneficial, the relocation could be extended indefinitely.


    • 24
      Will says:

      I think the animals in london zoo deserve better food than that. I would suggest the election run where we line up 10 MPs and 9 lions. The winner gets to live !!!. I am sure paddy power or ladbrooks could sponsor it. Mind you some poor creature would have to ravage Diane Abbott, mind you I bet it would be the only time she’d been ravaged for years !!!


    • 33
      The carrier bag tax says:

      Can’t see the problem. All the important stuff is now contracted out to Brussels. They are just left with designing fag packets and drafting legislation for gay weddings.


    • 74

      Why stay in London at all?

      This is an ideal opportunity to move somewhere cheaper, less crowded and make a killing by selling some very expensive real estate. The new parliament could provide for residential accommodation for MPs too, dealing with the expenses issue.


  7. 18
    England is becummin a ferd world cess-pit, innit says:

    Lib Dem rats


  8. 19
    what a gay dave says:

    Why didnt marr or murnawhatever ask saint tony if he feels any guilt about making millions upon millions not through any skill or ability but simply by being a former prime minister

    I would be interested if the psychpath thinks aiming to be prime minister is the best career choice for those desperate to become incredibly weathy and own seven mansions


  9. 25
    Sky's the limit says:


  10. 30
    Will says:

    Refugees in Jordan !!, is thier no one she would not shag. Sorry you meant the country !!!


  11. 36
    The Growler says:

    Who is that old man, never seen him before


    • 51
      The Growler says:

      He does remind me a little of comedian that used to host the golden shot after Monkhouse packed in


  12. 37
    Uber for Miliband says:


    • 43
      jgm2 says:

      Hahahahaha. Lower personal ratings than Nick Clegg.

      Be careful though – we need to keep him in post to ensure Labour’s 2015 defeat. DUEMA.


    • 46
      Dan Hodges the man with a plan says:

      And replace him with someone who really connects with the diverse peoples of modern Britain.
      A Blairite who the left of the party will unite behind because if they don’t it’s ‘kinda like racist’.
      I propose Chuka Obama for leader and me as his head of communications.


    • 52
      Braveheart says:

      So you get rid of Millipede – OK he looks and sounds a bit weird and I don’t agree with him on everything but his policies on increasing the minimum wage, paying a living wage, possibly regulating prices for some necessities – at least they are at least not outlandish. Then when you’ve dropped him, what then? You want his brother back to help out with some more extraordinary renditions? Or do you want Testicles? Or Mrs Testicles? Andy Burnham perhaps? Go on – take your pick. Who would you rather have?
      OK – Reeves or Murphy or Creasy or a few others might be decent, intelligent people but future prime ministers in waiting? Get real.


      • 60
        Bill Quango MP says:

        Out of onterest why is a ‘living wage ‘ a good idea. £11 ph say?


        • 61
          Bill Quango MP says:



          • Braveheart says:

            Because the principle is that employees should be a cost to their employers – and indeed their employers’ customers – and not to the state.


          • Bill Quango MP says:

            What I mean is .. if £6 ph = £80 in Romania. Then a checkout staff on £11 p/h would be nearer £170ph.

            So why be a doctor or an engineer? Just come to the UK from any EU former soviet country and you will be earning 1/4 million pounds a year just for 30hrs a week on the checkouts.

            No wonder they are so perky in that boring job. I would be to for £250,000 a year.

            But that won’t happen anyway.
            At £11p/h with sick pay-holiday pay-compulsory pension- maternity-paternity- and all the health and safety, tribunal, personnel issues..

            Those self service checkouts will make up 22 of the 24 aisles in your local supermarket.

            Self service petrol pumps. Touchscreen food ordering.

            And many many more ‘zero hour ‘ or self employed only contracts where its PWYE ‘pay what you earn’.

            You’d only get paid for what you’ve transacted.
            Happening already. Look at all the self employed courier drivers that used to be employed.


          • Anyway check out jobs are finished now — it s all self check out.

            Pretty soon it will be self package , self reorder inventory , self unload delivery lorry and self manage the supermarket .

            See how we progress , technology being a wonderful empowering
            thing ?


        • 101
          Just a thought says:

          If we all start shoplifting ( self pricing ), supermarkets will retain more staff.


    • 58
      NE Frontiersman says:

      ..while the other half desperately hope he will stay until the election.


  13. 42
    Diddley says:

    Pat usually speaks a lot of sense, he’s got a real gift for framing the issues just ‘right’ and the balls to speak his mind. Fair play.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. 49
    Tony Blair : Reichstag interviews 1942 says:

    Look guys..I just need to restate that…..invading Russia was the right thing to do.
    Now, some people may say, and in fact did say, Hang on Mr Blair.We are still fighting in North Africa and the whole British empire.

    Well I say .. events can change.. If events change then action must be taken…
    Soviet Russia was being run by a murderous dictator..Someone who had a proven track record in killing his own people..

    And, as we know, there was no democracy there at all. Kulaks and Tartars were very unrepresented in government. And Stalin has weapons of mass destruction like tanks and planes.
    There was a very real threat that if we didn’t invade within 45 minutes, Stalin would be in Berlin.

    And as for my declaration of war on the United States .. well.. it was the right thing to do..

    Some said my wars on – –

    The UK, Canada, Australia, Egypt, India, Malaya, Burma, Russia, Poland, France, Greece, Norway, Belgium, Netherlands, Denmark, Syria, Algeria, Tunisia, Morocco, Somalia, South Africa, Chad, Nigeria, Venezuela, Mexico, Iceland, China, Kazakhstan, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, The Soviet Union from Poland to the Korean border, the Philippines, New Zealand, Samoa, New guinea, Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia, Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Fiji, Singapore, Croatia, Cyprus, Crete, Malta, Gibraltar, Falkland islands, all the countries of the Caribbean, Belize, Bermuda, french Polynesian, Nepal, Jordan…

    ..might have been enough without adding the world’s superpower, The United States of America, to that list.

    But those people are wrong. And the stability and prosperity that even now, that our forces are bring to areas like The Ukraine and Slovenia, mean that it was the right thing to do..

    Stalingrad must be seen as just a tiny setback in our mission to bring freedom and democracy to the people’s of the world.

    There can be no backward steps..If anything we should add those hotbeds of insurgency in Switzerland and Sweden to the list of countries we ought to be at war with..

    Now, I must go…Got a photo shoot for GQ, Me and the Spice Fraus! Leader of the year! If you have any more questions, Alistair Goebbels here, would love to answer them….


  15. 54
    Gooey Blob says:

    One could easily imagine Ed Miliband bringing a banjo to PMQs and playing “Happy-Go-Lucky Me”


  16. 55
    non taxable pikey says:

    Nice one Pat.

    Currently Bibi is really Pissedoff, there are three divisions of Israeli troops searching the West Bank for the three children. They are not messing about either, arresting many of those that were released for Gilad Shalit. Abbas in the meantime is in Saudi Arabia attempting to get more money (which will disappear,) he has called on those responsible to hand back the kidnapped children.
    Bibi will take this all the way this time public opinion in Israel is right behind him, expect Hamas etc to start crying soon.


  17. 59
    Iran can fuck off says:

    We will not spill blood for the shias.


  18. 63
    Winston says:

    Its immaterial who leads Labour. Under Gordon Brown and in the midst of the worst recession in 100yrs, they achieved 29%. That is their core vote. They will gain at least 5% from the LDs. Cameron needs 40% to get a majority. He could only manage 35% in 2010. He will be lucky if he hits 32%. Its a LibLab coalition all the way.


    • 64
      Bill Quango MP says:

      Sad, but true.

      And Dave has got Kippers in his zones that didn’t really trouble him too much last time.
      He won’t get 40%. Be v.lucky to get 35%.

      But Miliband doesn’t look like he’ll last long. probably a Brownian presidency.
      Be damaged, couped, weakened by his second year and will only hang for a full term by giving the unions everything they ask for.


    • 72
      D L George says:

      People keep saying this but it’s really looking like the Lib Dems will have a tiny number of seats in 2015.

      If that’s the case Millibland will have to bring in the SNP’s (if they still exist) to increase the vote share. We can certainly kiss the economy goodbye within weeks of the election ending.


    • 117
      Vinny says:

      Dave will be lucky to get 30% of a 30% turnout.


  19. 66
    Iran can fuck off says:

    This is a POWER struggle between various factions in Iraq, The solution is political not military. There are no short term military solutions to long term political or religious problems that plague Iraq.


  20. 68
    Do u ever get the feeling u r being softened up for war. says:

    B.liar’s mess. If B.liar wants to spill blood in Iraq send his wife & kids over there with himself & Campbell. The solution is a political one not military. No more blood spilled for Iraq.


    • 73
      Joss Taskin says:

      Will Euan Blair and his brother Nicky be joining the Army for active service in the Middle East ?


      • 119
        Let's not forget the rest of 'em says:

        And all the other fuckwit Labour MPs who voted for his Toniness’s warmongering.

        And that means all of them in his government, except Robin Cook, who is dead anyway.


  21. 69
    Tony Blair's mess & not ours. says:

    Rewriting history by B.liar


    The above is fantasy politics. B.liar still insists that he was right and the rest of us are wrong. Plus, no one believes a word that drips from his mouth. He has damaged foreign policy for the foreseeable future. The man is a liability and needs to fuck off out of politics.

    Points to note: The Iraq war was based on a lie. WMDs were not a threat to the west. We did not go to war for regime change. SH gassings- The yanks turned a blind eye because SH was still their cuddly dictator at that time.

    B.liar cannot debate an Arab Spring occuring when he intervened with his bloody war and created the sectarian conditions which have now ripened into a bloody mess that we are witnessing today.

    Cameron would be a bloody fool to take the country back into Iraq. I hope he does not bite! It will finish him & his party if he does. Self preservation is the keyword that the tories would do well to adopt in all matters concerning Iraq.

    Strategy: No one wants another intervention in Iraq in the run up to the GE. The tories will be toast. Nevertheless, the Iraq mess is a reminder to the electorate not to vote Labour.


  22. 79
    Another Angry Voice says:

    I thought you Gudio guys were acolyte’s of Thatcher and the Neo-Cons. Confused by you, but agree with the following:

    ‘Isn’t that part of the legal cat’s cradle that Ed and his kin have spent 30 years knitting us into?’

    It is time to get rid of the NeoCons, be they Labour, Ukip, LibDem or Tory. They’ve all got to go. They are proven wrong time and time again. Yet here they stand the four most powerful voices in the land.

    The greens are to obsessed with Climate change. But at least they speak up for us!!!


    • 80
      Southern Softie says:

      You must be fucking joking! The greens are for unfettered immigration, leading to uncontrolled popilation growth, straining the NHS to breaking point, concreting over our once green and pleasant land and jihad on our streets.


      • 89
        Gordon McMental says:

        The Greens should be renamed in my honour.


      • 102
        Anonymous says:

        the Greens picked up a lot of commi’s after the Soviet break up apparently – the Green idealism seems to be ‘next to no manufacturing ‘= great for the earth but 90% of us die – unless we all become communists. Google and refer to YTube ‘Agenda 21′


    • 85
      The funny woman who leads the Green Party says:

      Thanks for saying that we greens speak up for you, because I thought we talk a lot of fucking shit.


    • 104
      A screechy neanderthal says:

      The Greens are a disgrace. Encourage population growth to 70 or 80 million while closing all nuclear and fossil fuel power stations.
      Fork handles ??


    • 105
      Try again but make sense next time says:

      A couple of problems with No. 81.
      I thought…….not enough obviously.
      Gudio guys……..bit sexist.
      Neocons…….Fox News causes student to unstick himself from the duvet.


    • 120
      Vinny says:

      “Neo-con” is such a lame fucking thoughtless cliché. and the so-called Greens are just commies who’s stupid policies would cause the death of millions through famine.

      You really need to step outside your cozy little group-think once a decade.

      Still, at least you didn’t mention “banksters”.

      UKIP are *not* neo-cons – they are the initial part of the solution you were struggling for.


  23. 95
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Once AGAIN – The Israelis have pulled yet another stunt – to garner themselves support from the very christians who they ultimately despise.

    What is it about people like Pat and others who ‘always become’ Israels most fervent defenders & supporters … while ignoring categoric and irrefutable proof that many in Israeli politics are the most racist racists and most despicable persons who actually hate Christianity. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – when will some of the most deluded take off their life-times blinkers?


  24. 96
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    p.s. Look who crept in the back door [Milibands Father the marxist] and who now ‘have 80% of our politicians’ in their pockets? JFHC.


  25. 97
    Anoneumouse says:

    So, is Sir Peter Tapsell volunteering to serve the ‘bill of attainder’


  26. 107
    Algernon the Sceptic says:

    Would this be the Peter Tapsell who spoke up for intervention in Iraq, saying:

    “I hope that President Bush’s meeting with President Gorbachev in a few days will clear the way for American military action, because it will not be in the interests of the United Nations for us all to continue with a blockade that may last for six or nine months.”



  27. 124
    Anonymous says:

    “To bring the wretch to account for misleading the House of Commons.”
    Would merely set a precedent. The like of which our groaning judiciary and jails could not deal with.


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