June 17th, 2014

Black Humour at the MoD

The joke doing the rounds in MoD circles is “we now have what we didn’t have in 2003: a valid reason to invade Iraq.”

With the defence budget slashed, they don’t have much else.


78 Comments

  1. 1
    A Bliar says:

    First – to war

    Like

  2. 2
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Hilarious.

    What’s even funnier is the pair of twats who commanded my regiment pre and post invasion are now generals! You couldn’t meet a bigger pair of useless, arselicking twunts. No wonder our armed forces are fcuked when pr!cks like that become generals. They are far more concerned about their promotion and pensions than the soldiers they are supposed to care about.

    The only satisfaction I have is that I work far less than them for much more money.

    Like

    • 8
      A Socialist researcher says:

      Were they from Public Schools by any chance?

      Like

      • 11
        Anonymous says:

        I fettes, them third rate agreeable place to dump your kiddie

        Like

      • 13
        Tim Yeo-Yo says:

        Not sure but my intake at Sandhurst had more Officer Cadets from the state sector than from Private Schools. I did notice at meal times there were rather a lot of chaps holding their knives like a fountain pen.,

        Does that help?

        Like

    • 9
      Former Insider says:

      They sound like they have all the qualities needed to be a Chief Constable.

      Like

      • 12
        Captain Pedalo says:

        A life in politics beckons I would have thought.

        Like

      • 15
        Tim Yeo-Yo says:

        Strangely another one of my COs went off to be in charge of a fire service somewhere. He was actually a damn good bloke who did care more about his soldiers than his next promotion…which was probably why he resigned straight after being a CO.

        Like

    • 14
      JSCSC Master Class says:

      The British Army exited Basra with flags flying and drums beating …..the “Mahdi Army”…had in frustration been forced to resort to firing RPG s at our lads hunkered down in an obvious planned strategy to deplete the insurgents armaments…and soften them up for a truce

      Like

      • 19
        Tim Yeo-Yo says:

        Just like we did in Al Amarah province!

        Actually that’s not true but nobody remembers the minor point of handing over a whole province to insurgents prior to the capitulation of Basrah.

        Like

    • 20
      Jack says:

      I was once told by my CO. Never trust an Officer. Best advice he ever gave me.

      Like

    • 28

      Have seen this happening for some time now. The top ranks throughout all types of public service, whether armed or civilian, and also in the major corporations, have been filled with mindless morons who are incapable of any original thought. Automatons!

      Because they all think alike, they corroborate each other’s opinions that they must be right. Being of such high virtuosity, they surely deserve to be rewarded at the highest levels with inflation proof pensions and gongs and titles to wear on their jackets or around their necks.

      That you can earn more money than they can must feel good. Let them keep their placebo trappings…

      Like

      • 36
        Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

        Yes, but HTF do we get them all out and start again properly? May be some of the righter-wing younger ones mention on the previous blog-post will help fill the gaps.

        Like

      • 68
        Progressive wanker says:

        And yet, in their quest to make decisions, they all employ the same overpriced management consultants to tell them the same thing.
        Outsource!
        New software!
        Long term contracts!

        Etc ad nauseam

        Like

      • 74
        Ministry Of Silly Handshakes says:

        Are you saying that we’re dishonest? The fact that if you have an Oxbridge Degree means that you are able to reach the highest echelons in our Organisation has nothing to do with it. Also, being Religious and a staunch supporter of the Monarchy has nothing to do with it either. Honest….

        Like

  3. 4
    Lt Ripley says:

    There’s only one way to be sure.

    Like

  4. 5
    F S Trueman says:

    If you did not laugh you would have to cry.

    Like

  5. 6
    Fred says:

    A joke overheard in Russia:

    Merkel: I really don’t like that you are having a Victory Day parade in Crimea.

    Putin: Would you prefer we hold it in Berlin again.

    Like

    • 69
      Arf says:

      Merkel goes to a conference in Ukraine, at the border she is questioned by a Ukrainian border guard:

      UBG: Name?
      Merkel: Angela Merkela

      UBG: Occupation?
      Merkel: No, I’m just here for the weekend.

      Like

  6. 7
    T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

    Barrels of what ? WD40 ???? I thought there were barrel loads of WMD..

    Like

  7. 10
    non taxable pikey says:

    When asked whether someone must be able to speak English in order to be truly British, 40% of people answered ‘yes’.

    The other 60% couldn’t understand the fucking question.

    Like

    • 39
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      The first public in-the-street interviewee asked that question was an Indian whose accent was so broad he sounded like Peter Sellars on speed. Vell, goodness gracious me..

      Like

  8. 16
    The Defence Angency that Nick Clegg said Does not Existi says:

    Woman wages war on Islamic Fighters….Petrol on Flames

    Like

  9. 17
    Sir Nob Skelpoff says:

    As confusing as Revenge of the sith
    Invade/Attack Iraq The third in the trilogy.
    Episode 3: ISIS, get your ISIS

    Palpatine (Little Willie Hague) had previous wanted to arm the clones (ISIS jehdists). But since, they have gone mad and attacked the planet Lord Vader (Bush) conquered he is seeking a new allegiance.
    His emissaries have been sent out to Luke Skywalkers Walker (Ahmadinajad) so seek an allegiance against the now insane ISIS clones.
    C3PO is played David Cameron and Chewbacca is played John Kerry…

    Like

  10. 18
    • 41
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      Probably another one of the bloody fake charities that we were discussing yesterday.

      Like

  11. 21
    Bomber says:

    Our Nuclear deterrent does not appear to be scaring them. Why is that?

    Like

    • 37
      Group Captain Lionel Mandrake says:

      For a deterent to work your potential enemy must be convinced you would use it against them. One look at our leadership line up of the spinless and inept is really all you need to know that the nucs are staying home.

      Like

    • 42
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      Because Obama has the key and his lovely wifeperson has just dropped it down the local drain.

      Like

    • 67
      Mycroft says:

      From the beginning I knew that the ‘Peaceniks’ Blair and Bush had had their precious bodily fluids polluted by libertarianism and as a result they failed in providing the final solution to the problem of the Middle East.

      The libertarian junta both here and in the US had provided bottled water to our leaders and they became weak, War is now too important to be left to Politicians sucking on the teat of Bottled Water, sapping their strength and resolve, polluting their essential bodily fluids.

      We can no longer allow Muslim infiltration and ideology that is at the fore-front of the Muslim conspiracy to sap and impurify our essential bodily fluids.

      It is obvious isn’t it! Foreign bodies are introduced into Bottle Water, polluting our essential bodily fluids, we had no say in this, that’s the way the hard-core Jihadist Muslim works.

      Trust no-one that sucks at any Bottled Water, he is weak, he is polluting his love making essence and that is also part of the plan.

      The Jihadists are breeding, their essential bodily fluids are not polluted, they freely give it to any woman they can capture, they are breeding whilst we here in the West are limp and feeble.

      I never drink Bottled Water, I spread my essence at every opportunity, it is not polluted.

      (With profuse apologies to S. Kubrick, S Hayden and that limey commie toff Mandrake.)

      Like

  12. 22
    Britain to Re-open Tehran Embassy says:

    So Iran is now our bestest friend. Odd that.

    Like

    • 23
      Mycroft says:

      If you are faced with an enemy that lives by the maxim “My Enemies Enemy Is My Friend” to not follow that tenet and turn it upon itself is just plain dumb.

      We have to now help the Iranians, occupy the Iraqi’s in that area, containment is the name of the game.

      Send In the Drones, soften them up, help Iran get started and then walk away.

      I approve of this policy, it gets my vote, anything else is a disaster.

      Like

      • 43
        Group Captain Lionel Mandrake says:

        It’s much more complicated on the ground. Iran has always been the enemy of Al Qaeda what you’re seeing is the unravelling of over a century of secular state building that paid no attention to the ethnic and religious reality on the ground. Add also the ambitions of the regional powers (Iran and Saudi) and you’re in for a bloody redrawing of the maps. We need to be very careful of what support and what kind we give anyone. Better it is all covert and deniable as any high profile Western support will be counter productive.

        Like

        • 65
          Mycroft says:

          Nah, divide and rule.

          The complications are our moral stance, that is our self-image f’cking with our common sense.

          We’re heading for a war, a big one, the longer we leave it the worse it will be and at the moment it can be restricted to that area, let the sides become expansionist (as all belligerents become in time) and we get it here.

          Like

    • 29
      pookie snackumberger says:

      Iran are our allies, Iran have always been our allies.

      Tonights hate hour will be for the evil ISIS.

      Like

      • 33
        Mycroft says:

        Not since they deposed the Aga Khan (and you know we Brits love our AGA’s) we haven’t.

        We should have supplied both Saddam and the Khomeini Loon with arms, let them slug it out to the bitter end, then killed Khomeini and installed our on puppet on the Peacock Throne.

        We all love an Aga… one way or another.

        I think I’d have been a great leader at the MOD… I’d be posting ‘selfies’ of me touching (but not pressing) the Nuclear Button all over the social media with a screen of targets cities in the background with the tag line… “Are you feeling lucky punk?, in all the excitement I’ve forgotten if I have 100 or 120 missiles, are you feeling lucky? Well are you?”

        That is how you use social media responsibly and with full malice.

        Like

      • 61
        My boomerang is coming back says:

        Pardon me asking but does this involve suspending the sanctions against Iran for seeking to become a nuclear power, or will we simply forgive and forget and let them get on with it? Is it true that Michael Lansley being sent out as Ambassador to Iran with no prospect of parole?
        And is the ISIS that we’ve been tooling-up to nail Assad’s corpse to the Mast.
        I only ask because we seem to have ended up with being friends with our friends and enemies, and vice verse all at the same time.

        Like

        • 66
          Mycroft says:

          No, we “accidentally” arm the other side so they can take that facility out.

          Then destroy those that did it to show “good faith” to the other side.

          A bit a of locallised radiation is not too much of a concern, in fact we can get cheap oil contracts from Iran for cleaning the place up…

          A nuclear facility taken out, a well armed unit that did it, wiped out, a cheap oil contract and work for the Western clean-up team, that’s good business in my books.

          Put me in charge, you know it makes sense, war as a Wealth Creation model is the Modern way!

          Like

        • 75
          Foreign Office Spokesperson says:

          The situation in the Middle East is fluid, just like Diarrhea is.

          Like

    • 59
      I ain't gonna say nuttin says:

      What’s odd about that, up until 1978 we were their best friend, the last lot of crap we sold them were Hillman Hunter kits that they used when built, as taxis, good cars, we with the Yanks and Canadians ran all the ****************** for them, a lot of people Yanks/Brits were really upset when the revolutionary guards kicked them out, the threats of killing them as they boarded the planes didn’t bother them, just leaving Iran and it’s lovely people upset them, bet a lot of the same guys will be waiting to park their ar5ses on the next flight to Iran.

      Like

      • 63
        Norma Stitz says:

        I was in lots of familiar looking ‘Paykan’ taxis there till I realised they were Hillman Hunters. Internal flights were scary as the ancient Boeings were knackered, with sanctions in force, no spares. Nice people, crap country. Plenty of alcohol around though, behind closed doors.

        Like

  13. 24
    Slammic_Banks says:

    If that is not bad enough already I bet an ISIS is not even going to give as good a rate as an ISA.

    Like

  14. 25
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “A valid reason to invade Iraq”.

    Really? I can’t see any reason – let alone a valid one – to invade Iraq.

    The Middle East is up to its tits in weaponry – much of it British; let them sort it out for themselves. And they can b0mb the fucking useless, overspending MoD while they’re at it.

    Like

    • 38
      The Critic says:

      Hardly possible to have a less valid reason than last time. Send Blair in attached to a pilotless drone. Who knows, they might shoot him out of the sky. Or he may stay in orbit forever. Both work for me.

      Like

  15. 27
    Maimed Codger says:

    Should Blair be tried as a War Criminal ??

    Like

  16. 30
    anjem choudary says:

    I scrounge from the front but lead from the back.

    Like

  17. 32
    Nick Clegg 2IC 5th Armchair Battalion says:

    I think we should go in and sort these ‘Johnnies’ out and then say ‘SORRY’

    Like

  18. 35

    A man in denial:

    Vote UKIP :-D

    Like

    • 51
      Ali Campbell - Puts The Lie in Bliar says:

      I find that to blur my own and Tones culpability for all those many thousands of deaths, I turn often to drink.

      Tone makes do with the cash.

      Those were the days my friends we thought they’d never end.

      Like

      • 57
        Dangerous Brian says:

        Rearrange the words Alistair Campbell and get, lying useless poncing lefty scumbag.

        Like

  19. 44
    Bill (Billy The Kid) Hague says:

    I have today in my hand a piece of paper, from the USA, it tells me to go and open our embassy in Iran.

    I have today made this so.

    Like

  20. 47
    Niptastic says:

    MILFTastic! almost like a very good looking version of Flint!

    Like

  21. 55
    Dangerous Brian says:

    I thought it was one of the boat race crews.

    Like

  22. 58
    The British media are cunts says:

    Alistair Campbell. Get cancer and die you fucking shit.

    Like

    • 60
      Mad Bad Ali C says:

      To be fair, I’ve had a few more years than Dr David Kelly, but he drifts into my mind sometimes on a cold lonely night, that is when I most need to reach for a bottle.

      They were tough times for some!

      Like

  23. 70
    He's black he's broon he played for the Toon... Howard Gayle! says:

    Valid or not…. I will give ‘em a miss!

    Like

  24. 71
    He's black he's broon he played for the Toon... Howard Gayle! says:

    Suckers!

    Like

  25. 76
  26. 77
    John Tandy says:

    True only the Salvation Army left !

    Like

  27. 78
    Smithb9 says:

    Outstanding post, you have pointed out some fantastic points, I as well think this is a very great website. dcgaadcedaggedkd

    Like


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We also need Zil lanes.


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