June 16th, 2014

Parliament Clap Map: Watson’s Constituency Top for Chlamydia

Guido has always thought Tom Watson was an irritating tw*t, but now new figures released by the government provide the stats to back it up. The Department of Heath has surveyed 16 to 24 year olds across the country and found the place* with the highest rate of chlamydia is Sandwell, which lies in Watson’s West Bromwich East constituency. Itching their way into second place is Richard Fuller’s Bedford, and you’ll have to beware the crabs at the seaside in Gordon Marsden’s Blackpool. David Lammy down in Haringey is third, with Justin Tomlinson’s Swindon taking fifth place. Big clap for the winner…

*In areas with >5,000 respondents.


  1. 1
    Hugh Janus says:

    Slow news day Guido?

  2. 2
  3. 3
    nell says:

    Oh Dear 30 year old miners strikes and STD’s is that what labour’s policy is going to look like as it heads into the 2015 election!!

  4. 4
    Tom Watson says:

    Can crabs polevault?

  5. 5
    The Boy Plunger says:

    Thatcher’s old home in Belgravia is up for sale at 35 million quid.

    That’s one poll the Tories lead.

    Explains a lot about their banking and housing policies

  6. 6
    Ithankyou says:

    My doctor told me I had Chlamydia and Alzheimer’s disease.

    Oh well, at least I haven’t got Chlamydia.

  7. 7
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Gonorrhea, starts hea, hea, and hea.

  8. 8
    England is becoming a third world cess-pit says:

    Third world shitholes
    Let them live in filth and squalor

  9. 9
    Dr Spock says:

    More to the point, Guido

    What happened to the outbreak of the clap on HM Parliamentary Estate?

    Is it contained?

  10. 10
    Anonymous says:

    Should we not have had a CLAPOMETER?

  11. 11
    Lucky Luchiana says:

    We are clean in my neighbourhood

  12. 12
    Editor of the Mirror says:

    Has the Sun got clamydia?

  13. 13
    John Botox-Kerry says:

    We want the Iranians to save our government in Iraq

    We are simply bloody fools and the laughing stock of the world

  14. 14
    ʍȫʊʂʂȁ ҞϴџṦṦậ says:

    Convert it into a shelter for the homeless. It’s not what she would have wanted.

  15. 15
    Bing Crosby says:

    Guido has caught the weird malady from your Great Lider…

  16. 16
    Clam Idea says:

    I cannot imaging anything much more revolting than sex with that vile pile of shit!

  17. 17
    Ippikin says:

    About six feet.

  18. 18
    Joe Public says:

    Department of “HEATH”? Are they into agricultural Heather?
    Twatson would not know chlamydia if it hit him.
    Hmm I am not sure Sandwell which is Labour, is in Twatson’s West Bromwich dioscese???

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    Are you lefty twats going to get all hypocritical when we have street parties to celebrate the passing of Tony B Liar?

  20. 20
    Obamarama. says:

    I am still sitting on my favorite fence deciding what to do.
    Perhaps I will go golfing or visit China, or anything to avoid making decisions as my head hurts.

  21. 21
    ukip.i.am.not says:

    Still claiming your expenses (and hating the EU) out of tax payers money Nigel ?

  22. 22
    rick says:

    We could send Peter Tatchell to Iran as our diplomatic representative.

  23. 23
    Maimed Codger says:

    So could Laborious Policy be described as…. Claptrap ?

  24. 24
    Labour Voter says:

    With over a million at foodbanks, and the richest 5 families worth more than the poorest fifth of the population (( 12,000,000 people) – is this a recovery from a recession or a massive transfer of wealth from the many to the few (i.e. standard Tory economic policy)?
    Before you answer, put down that Daily Mail, look up and think for yourself.

    What do you think the distribution of wealth is in the UK now? How much do the top 1% own? (Hint: in the USA it increased from 9% in 1980 to 36% now – most Americans think it’s about 10% apparently, and would like it reducing!)
    How will you go about finding out? Do you think that the free press, owned by people with a vested interest in tax avoidance and inequality, will tell you?
    Hint: google Lord Rothermere – he owns the Daily Mail

  25. 25
    Tachybaptus says:

    Chlamydia is not the clap. Gonorrhoea is.

  26. 26
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    The fucking government and opposition have ‘nothing to do’ but create schoolboy/girl spats. Useless the fucking lot of them.

    When are the useless msm going to point the MP’s at the QMV 1st November issue – of another huge elephant in the room that none of the useless MP’s & Ministers dare to address?

    It should be on every front page – in the Public Interest … where are the free press when they are needed?

  27. 27
    Std is not for me says:

    Very good. Lol.

  28. 28
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    The best thing about Alzeimer’s disease is that you get to mett new people every day.

    p.s. Think Blair is into it in a way what with his cognitive dissonance disabilities ‘n all.

  29. 29
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Parliament and all who jolly in it – is a third world cess-pit.

  30. 30
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    You are yours are the idiot fools of the Israelis – you prick.

  31. 31
    Eh ? says:

    Whats the QMV 1st November issue ?

  32. 32
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    If you’ve got something wrong with the end of your dong….

    Send for Dr Clapp,

  33. 33
    Cyd James says:

    I have been through three phases of career path change and still no improvement in my job prospects and earnings. What’s the problem here?
    I personally think it’s the economy. The coalition keeps singing recovery..recovery, but this does not translate into real changes in offering job opportunities. Also the cost of living keeps skyrocketing for every family and individual.

  34. 34
    Ted Heath (banned leader) says:

    I never took up rowing for fear of catching crabs.

  35. 35
    Anonymous says:

    How much tax do your Fake Charities pay? Why are the pinkos in charge paid such excessive wages? Perhaps you socialists consider yourselves to be more equal than others?

  36. 36
    ████ 'changed my tune ' Hoon says:

    is Tom Fatson a wannabe LibDem ?

  37. 37
    England is becoming a third world cess-pit says:

    you’re a fucking idiot cu’nt

  38. 38
    Saint Vince says:


    I must try and remember that

  39. 39
    franknowzad says:

    Chlamidiya is for pussies. Where are all the real doses at?

  40. 40
    The British media are cunts says:

    So if the jocks stay in the union and get devo max, just what will all those jocks at Westminster be voting on?

    Let me guess, they will be deciding on the NHS, education and welfare rules for England. How democratic.

    Don’t suppose there’s any chance of a media mong actually asking Cameron or Miliband as to why the English should put up with this?

  41. 41
    Dr Spock says:

    And I thought everyone sent for me..

  42. 42
    Dr Freud said all women suffer from penis envy says:

    Jocks and devomax sounds like a case of the clap to me

  43. 43
    Say what you will says:

    13 years of Liebour and two of it’s PM’s are millionaires, now how much does a British prime minister make while in power and how much do ex PMs make “networking” oh yeh , Guardian and how much does it pay in British taxes, go down that stupid path of tory versus Liebour and you will find yourself in a tennis match with no winner, stupid git.

  44. 44
    Baghdad clapometer says:


  45. 45
    non taxable pikey says:

    On the 1st November 2014 the right of Parliament (you know them, the people we voted in to govern for us) to legislate over us in 43 areas, THE IMPORTANT ONES, will be removed and be made subject to EU approval via QMV (Qualified Majority Voting)
    The following shows just some of the areas of competence which will switch from requiring unanimous approval of all member states to QMV:
    Border Controls.
    Initiatives of the High Representative for Foreign Affairs.
    Administrative Co-operation.
    Civil Protection.
    Common Defence Policy.
    Crime Prevention Incentives.
    Criminal Law.
    Criminal Judicial Co-operation.
    Diplomatic and Consular Protection.
    Economic and Social Committee.
    Emergency International Aid.
    Now do you understand why the MSM and the MP’s are keeping quiet about it?

  46. 46
    Cleggmeister likes his booze says:

  47. 47
    GordontheBraun says:

    Is he dead? Must have passed me by. Bet the Iraqis and others, are pleased.

  48. 48
    Say what you will says:

    They should be told, there is only going to be one parliament and that will be at the house of thieves, they can try and sell that heap they have in Edinburgh for a tenner.

  49. 49

    Department of Heath or Health ?

    Vote UKIP :-D

  50. 50
    GordontheBraun says:

    What’s Blair got? I thought it was loads of dosh from Georgie and co.

  51. 51
    Max Clifford, on the small side says:

    Was the Court informed about the size of his dick as well?

    It seems to be all the rage nowadays

  52. 52
  53. 53
    Bloomers in rain-soaked Bongo Bongo Land says:

    Don’t be daft.

  54. 54
    Ludvig says:

    Stop whinging and do something aspirational. Buying a lottery ticket once a week doesn’t count.

  55. 55
    Karl Schennedy - former LibDem leader says:

    Vince drove me to drink too.

  56. 56
    Transparency Is Us says:

    On E bay as well

  57. 57
    Dave the Ike says:

    We’ve got a few million of ‘em over here, you know. You infidels had better watch your step.

  58. 58
    Bill Quango MP says:

    The area with the highest reported incidents of sexual transmitted diseases is actually

    Speaker’s House,
    Speaker’s Tower
    Northern Walk
    Palace of Westminster
    SW1A 0AA

  59. 59
    Don Toni Blair in Palermo says:

    I need a big bung to cover my legal fees

    Chilcott being published soon…

  60. 60
    ObamaCare says:

    I wish my mother was here, you can’t trust Yankee politicians.
    Shall I thrust forward, or pull out? My head aches with all this rubbish.

  61. 61
    Blind Tony says:

    Send him to Syria, or better still, Iraq.

  62. 62
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Odd indeed.

    Mind you, it still beats hanging around LabourList reading press releases from people you wouldn’t trust to tell you the time correctly.

  63. 63
    Cartel spotter says:

    Cleggie organising his escape to Mehico….

  64. 64
    Portugese Man Of War says:

    Well that was poor.

  65. 65
    I got STD says:

    Gunner Ear – was in Royal Tank Regiment for 9 years.

  66. 66
    Daniel Hanahanahana says:

    Now, now, that’s a storm in a teacup, or a pricked boil. The EU GAVE Nigel oodles of cash to spend, like the other EU MEPs. HOW he spent it is the real question?

  67. 67
    Daniel Hanahanahana says:

    I like that Common Purpose outfit – good old chaps, and wimmin.

  68. 68
    Daniel Hanahanahana says:

    If you go to war with me, you’ll be a multi-millionaire!

    George W. Bush

  69. 69
    Chuka says:

    I’m going berger flipping tonight

  70. 70
    Angela says:

    The answer is Yes

  71. 71
    Daniel Hanahanahana says:

    Tony will hand himself over to the authorities, when the moon turns to blood.!

  72. 72
    RomaGordon says:

    I hear that Mooslim countries have the cheapest prostitutes :)

  73. 73
    RomaGordon says:

    Daft twat for signing up to the International Criminal Court, I hope he does get indicted… :)

  74. 74
    Prime Minister"Money's no object" Cameron says:

    The entire country will join me in wishing the England cricket team the very best of luck in the Test Match against Sri Lanka,

    Good Evening and God Bless Nick Clegg.

  75. 75
    Clamidia says:

    I got a bad case of Watson.

  76. 76
    Name (optional) says:

    They’re arachnids, surely 8 feet?

  77. 77
    PC Filth says:

    We wouldn’t have wanted you to drive yourself, now, would we sir ?

  78. 78
    A Round of Applause. says:

    Clapped out!

  79. 79
    Say what you will says:

    Bliar on France24, trying to get them involved in the Middle East, sometimes I think our local Liebour Council have shares in traffic light makers, I wonder if Bliar has shares in gun factories.

  80. 80
    You there says:

    Sandwell: Who was that aged looney leftie that used to be a Councillor there (Iain Dale used to have a link to his blog but I believe the link is now gone) and managed to get the feeding of the ducks in the local park banned? Possibly he was protecting the wrong sort of bird from disease than one who really needed protection.

  81. 81
    John Bellingham says:

    I think that Chlamydia Sandwell is Labour’s PPC for one of the West London constituencies.

  82. 82
    John Bellingham says:

    You mean a case of the speckled band?

  83. 83
    France 24 says:

    The banks and gangsters who pay him do…

  84. 84
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Blair on TV today said that the crisis in Iraq was noting to do with the 2003 invasion.

    Just a coincidence then?

    A bit unlucky that it all fell into a terrorist, jihadist civil war at about the same time as the invasion?

    Just “one of those things” that armed fundamentalist terrorists that were not present before the invasion have now overrun half the country?

    And people pay $100,000 a dinner to hear Tony talk.

  85. 85
    Ma­­qb­oul says:

    Ith the chav condom tax cwithith.

  86. 86
    Nigel Farage says:

    Whatever happened to me?

  87. 87
    Observer says:

    Not for much longer

    Except his fellow banksters…

  88. 88
    Ma­­qb­oul says:

    No doubt some Labour peer will add it to his burgeoning property portfolio. As if only the Tories can be rich. Fuck off you clowns.

  89. 89
    Ed 'scarface' Miliband says:


    His name is Douglas Alexander

  90. 90
    Unemployed Sun phone hacker says:

    Found some new totty Nige?

  91. 91
    Cinna says:

    She does get around, doesn’t she?

  92. 92
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    Put a sock in it.

  93. 93
    Bill Quango MP says:

    He must be feeling the strain. He can only be a few days away from checking himself into Gordon’s clinic where he can say “it was the right thing to do” to anyone who he sees in between the injections and shock treatments.

  94. 94
    Bill Quango MP says:

    She is like Caesar’s wife.

    A right old slag.

  95. 95
    A Christian in Syria says:

    Think of us, please

  96. 96
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    You’d have to pay me that to sit there and listen to his ravings.

  97. 97
    BBC Thought Police says:

    Fuck off racist!

  98. 98
    Prosecutor says:

    There is sufficient proof now

  99. 99
    Ma­­qb­oul says:

    The 30 year itch… that’ll do the trick.

  100. 100
    Bob Anon says:

    It’s the Department of Heath and Pubic Areas!

  101. 101
    West Mids Ethnic Majority says:

    Twatson is a sexually transmitted disease!

  102. 102
    non taxable pikey says:

    Time to learn a lesson from Thailand. In the last couple of weeks 80 percent of the illegal Cambodian immigrants in Thailand have gone home. The new Thai government is not messing about. All you need is the will to do it Dave.

  103. 103
    Dr Boggs says:

    Is this another name of Liverpool disease, too much time in the Sun?

    I thought that Watson had got wankers cramp, too much unite.

  104. 104
    Dr Boggs says:

    He could be joint ambassador to both.

  105. 105

    Remember Remember the First of November (2014)

    The day when Parliament really was blown to feck –Mr Fawkes !

  106. 106
    westmids angry says:

    Why does twatdick watson and people like him always get away with it? Mps like him always seem to have safe untouchable seats too and are sleazy and horrible as hell. Can someone please tell me that eh why csnt tories do a newark and pile millions into west bromich like the unions do then redraw boundaries and defeat watson and his ilk. Why not? Imagine the sheer look of horror and despair on his face if he were to lose. Would teach the unions a lesson. So whats stopping tories doing it then?

  107. 107
    Chewing Nuts says:

    Very fucking slow news day, not only that but the man who clothes and feeds Guiso’s mong children, Mr Murdoch does seem to be on the war path as of late. This “article” above is just Guido being his usual spineless self and doing his mater’s bidding/
    I am no fan of Watson or any of the scum fucks who sit in parliament but this embarrassment of a post really is barrel scraping, made far worse when you know the f@t p@ddy has been f0rced to write it in exchange for his dirty money from Uncle Rupe. One does wonder how Guido sleeps, or what his children tell their friends that their father doe for a living.

  108. 108
    dai satisfied says:

    they’ll pull thru

  109. 109
    Ippikin says:

    You must have been in a posh lavatory.

  110. 110

    So long as they are not making new laws.

  111. 111
    Tipton rubbish dump says:

    Sandwell is an inbred rancid decaying foul place full of benefit scrounging shitheads of the worst kind. Suits Twatso to the ground and he suits them and labour and union bastards.

  112. 112
    Watson is a twat says:

    There’s around 60 labour councillors like that in sandwell. All without exception total self-obsessed self serving dickheads of the worst socialist kind you can find. But the benefit claiming wankers who vote for them are even worse!!!!

  113. 113
    Ex brummie says:

    Let me tell you about sandwell as someone who lives around there. It is full of half bred hideous people who take life for granted, scrounge off benefits and predictably vote labour and for TWatson. I hate it round here. Have tried canvassing for conservatives a few times and in 1983 they nearly won west brom east and 4 years ago won rowley regis. Now TWATSONS girlfriend been corruptly selected there by unions and sleaze full labour. James Morris a great tory MP though and I shall be leafleting for him for sure.

    Basically west bromwich and sandwell council owned by unions basically. Ive written to Mr Cameron urging him to make unions illegal but he replied a neutral reply not appearing to agree. No good really is it!

  114. 114
    Alternatives says:

    Bum sex marriage. Oh that’s been done.

  115. 115
    Yawns and Looks Out of Window says:

    Ah, you missed out the statistic that 73 percent of those with the clap were UKIP voters.

    There, that’s fixed it for you.

  116. 116
    StevieBC says:

    Along a similar vein…
    I had the misfortune of having some dealings with an internal auditor in the Middle East.
    To add to the embarrassment he was a fellow Scot.
    He looked the other way at major ‘dodginess’ but went after the little guys with great zeal.
    Amongst the expat community he was known as ‘Thrush’ – an irritating c***.
    I’m guessing that 20 years later – wherever he is – he is still a Thrush.
    I’m sure we have all met/worked with a Thrush at some point…

  117. 117
    Sam, Peeps says:

    Is “internal auditor” what gynaecologists call themselves these days ?

  118. 118
    socialists are diseased says:

    Ever seen the women in West Bromwich? I have to go there a few times a month for business. Pig ugly with tiny and emaciated looking kids in tow (probably by different dads too!). No wonder they vote for Watson and love him!

  119. 119
    Realist says:

    Problem is with Twatson and many other MP’s like him (sometimes on both sides, Tories and Lib Dems too on occasion, for example John Hemming at Birmingham Yardley and John Bercow as Speaker) is that the voters don’t get to see the real blow by blow use of their time. The parliamentary seat is often a mere tool so that the MP can go and pursue their political hobbies that have nothing to do with the job of being their constituency MP.

    Twatson and others just pursues their interests mainly. Only ever seem to comment when it suits them like on press regulation and comments on party organisation.

    I believe that democracy requires a massive shake-up every so often, like in 1997 but also 1983. MP’s with “safe” seats need defeating occasionally. Democracy would be well served with Twatson and others losing next year but have the Tories got what it takes though!

  120. 120
    Anonymous says:

    “Parliament Clap Map:”
    edges-out usual political claptrap from front pages? Seems there are some statistical results it’s just not possible to scratch out.

  121. 121
  122. 122
    10north says:

    Doubtless “sold as seen with all faults and without warranty’.

  123. 123
    10north says:

    What on earth is a QMV when it’s at home – and why should we give a stinking purulent f@ck about it?

  124. 124
    Me says:

    Department of Heath? His name lives on…..

  125. 125
    Anonymous says:

    It seems like the Arab way.

  126. 126
    Me says:

    If true, it will be party time!

  127. 127
    Me says:

    Me? Tony Bliar? tell lies? I don’t think so – there’s no evidence ‘cos I sat on it.

  128. 128
    Dr Pox says:

    What do you call a guy with Chlamydia, clap, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV?

    An Incurable Romantic

  129. 129
    Voice of reason says:

    If this is true why doesn’t any of these treasonists In government and opposition speak out for the people.The EU is a socialist pipe dream that will never work while we give £50 million a day .disgrace

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