June 13th, 2014

Speaker Watch: Turbulence in the Teacup, the Clerk Succession

The Speaker’s Plan A, to split the role of Clerk and Chief Executive, has failed because it would require legislation to enable it.

His Plan B, for an outsider to come and be the new Clerk, is failing because no one is applying (in the same way, David Beckham doesn’t apply for lead dancer at the Royal Ballet). Hence, head hunters. And hence, Simon Burns in Business Questions asking what the cost would be of the head hunters’ services (estimate: £100,000).

Plan C is an internal appointment.

The rumour is that Liam Laurence Smyth (“Who?”) is pencilled in as the Speaker’s favourite for the next Clerk of Clerks. Amiable, anonymous, the Clerk of Journals. (“He’s done a lot of work for the Speaker in Burma.”) He has a number of advantages – he isn’t David Natzler, the old Etonian dauphin to outgoing Sir Robert. He is nice. He is pliable. He is junior. He fits in with the Speaker’s strategy of Diminish and Rule. Is the rumour true? It’s true there’s a rumour.

The advantages of Philippa Helm are very considerable. She has all the assets of Liam “Who?” but with added diversity. That is a powerful strategic asset in fostering Labour support. Machiavellian logic would put her as the Speaker’s preferred candidate, and all other rumoured favourites as a blind.

PS: Little Prince is obviously having difficulty fixing the panel of selection because when you ask who’s on it – nobody knows.


  1. 1
    Jack Dromey says:

    A turd in a tea cup.

  2. 2
    Betty wasn't that bad after all says:

    The Clerk of parliaments role is to pass notes back to the speaker reminding him not to be a C*nt.
    That’s why Bercow has a problem with them.

  3. 3
    TJ says:

    Bercow is a nasty little man seeking to build an empire to secure his legacy. His modernising (should that be destruction) of the Parliamentary procedures has been awful. Debates are now 3 minute soundbites and question time, for all departments are so rushed that iften neither the question or answer are completed before the little man decides he’s heard enough.

  4. 4
    Keyser Snoozey says:


  5. 5
    He loves short shorts says:

    Perhaps he’s got a short attention span.

  6. 6
    The Taliban Dance Band says:

    What the HoCs need is lots of UKIP MPs. That should shut up the Speaker – for a while at least. Vote UKIP – yesterday, today and tomorrow.

  7. 7
    Sally Legs Akimbo says:

    Who will rid me of this troublesome twat?.

  8. 8
  9. 9
  10. 10
    BERCOW is Parliament's SHOneT says:

    Bercow has a problem with everybody

  11. 11
    BERCOW is Parliament's SHOneT says:

    But then he has a problem with everybody

  12. 12
    Former insider says:

    As well as spending my time checking out the best places for a dump in the Palace of Westminster I also used to appreciate the other things.
    The traditions and the quality of individual(mostly ex military) who made up the inner workings of the house.
    All there if you like to whisper in the ear of those in power.
    ‘You are not a god,you are just a man’
    What Blair did was to replace most of them with civil service greasy pole climbers who ticked the right diversity box.
    You don’t need me to tell you the result.

  13. 13
    Betty wasn't that bad after all says:


  14. 14

  15. 15
    Peter Hitchens says:

    Give it to suicide bummer Owen Jones, maybe Sally from the alley can convert him to normal sexual practises

  16. 16
    Paddy the pikey says:

    Have yer found me watch yet?.

  17. 17
    Owen Jones,Socialist turned Capitalist says:

    Meanwhile at Lords cricket ground.

    Very well played Joe Root, 200 not out.

    Another crate of Bollinger please,Guido.

  18. 18
    YellowBelly says:

    Way to go Lincolnshire

  19. 19
    Owen says:

    My arse is still sore from my new bike saddle.

  20. 20
    Mrs May says:

    Bog bandits steal loo roll worth £600. Police say they’ll get to the bottom of it… http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/pair-admit-part-600-loo-3687634

    They will be brought to justice.

  21. 21
    It'll Never Work says:

    Sausage up an alley Sally will have Owen pining for a tight bumhole even more.

  22. 22
    Peter Hitchens says:

    The good folk of Iran celebrate Owen Jones’ rainbow diversity

  23. 23
    Peter Hitchens says:

    Hanging around in tehrans SOHO

  24. 24
    Islamic punishment usually has to do with the crime says:

    I don’t want to watch.Do they shoot them in the butt?

  25. 25
    Peter Hitchens says:

    Its just a flush in the pan

  26. 26
    Peter Hitchens says:

    No they dance to show tunes whilst high on GHB

    Then have their arses torn out by George Michael

  27. 27
    Bog Bandit says:

    The Mirror is too expensive just for something to wipe your bum with.

  28. 28
    jgm2 says:

    Six of them?

    Do they save them up and then kill them all in a one-er?

  29. 29
    Peter Hitchens says:

    And you love it Olwyn
    Sweaty men in Lycra with a large stiff pole tween your luscious cheeks

  30. 30
    Sunny Jim says:

    Squeak off, Berk-cow

  31. 31
    George Michael says:

    By me or one of my wino public toilet dosser bum chums.

  32. 32
    Peter Hitchens says:

    They get them to pull a train on each other then shoot them
    One bullet six dead knobjockeys
    Very frugal are our Iranian friends

  33. 33
    Sally the Slag says:

    Thats not all thats short. Come back pikey.

  34. 34
    Olwyn Jones Queen of the valleys says:

    Lloyd Jones blew my Grandfather

  35. 35
    Olwyn Jones Queen of the valleys says:

    Email me from the bogs


    I can be there in 30 mins for some faster love

  36. 36
    Olwyn Jones Queen of the valleys says:


  37. 37
    Breaking News says:

    Ming Campbell currently spazzed out in the back of an ambulance… No doubt McMong will be running gleefully around his padded cell with his pants on his head if he kicks the bucket.

    Fuck knows why this isn’t already all over twitter the fucker keeled over in public.

  38. 38
    Mr Nobody says:

    …but Ukip won’t get any under our electoral system. Plan B is to find out who is best placed to beat Labour locally, and vote for that party.

  39. 39
    Mr Nobody says:

    Vote Ukip, get Ed Twelvety Balls as chancellor.

  40. 40

    If true, this could be damaging for Cameron after all the fuss:

    Lansley for a set of posts may not work out – but with all the disinformation flowing from Europe of late, this report may need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

    Vote UKIP :-D

  41. 41
    Right Threads Dead says:

    I’m surprised Guido’s post about office clerks hasn’t drummed up more comments.

    Never mind I bet Clegg was pleased his photo was right next to Jeremy Clarkson’s in the collage of Brit celebs featured on the front page of The ‘free’ Sun.

  42. 42
    Well John says:

    What the little shortarse doesn’t recognise when he’s mouthing off about how Parliament is not held in esteem, is that he himself (and his wife) are very much a cause of the problem he talks of. He’s viewed as a pompous over-promoted pipsqueak by the public, and does nothing to expunge this widely held view.

  43. 43
    Dorkass says:

    Fair but not harsh enough.

  44. 44
  45. 45
    Socialism is theft says:

    In many seats UKIP is the only serious opposition to Labour.

  46. 46
    Socialism is theft says:

    Or vote Tory and get 75 million Turks with the right to come and live here. Many of them brothers of ISIS.

  47. 47
    Socialism is theft says:

    They were stolen from the local Police station and they will have nothing to go on.

  48. 48
    Bercow says:

    I was on the “Steve-Love-the-Show-Wright in the Afternoon” this week. No Speaker has had such an accolade nor had so many honours heaped upon him as ME!

  49. 49
    CMD says:

    He’s not Happy

  50. 50
    Tory Bare! says:

    WTF? – (“He’s done a lot of work for the Speaker in Burma.”) …

    Is that the updated version of “He’s engaged in a lot of ‘Ugandan Discussions’ for the Speaker’?

    I think we should be told…

  51. 51
    Anonymous says:

    If you really wwere an insider you would know that Blair had no bloody say whatsoever in replacing X with Y.

  52. 52

    Plan XXL. Clerk of the Rumours, innit?

  53. 53
    Big D says:

    Anyone who married Sally B must be off their rocker .
    Typical Banty Cockrel type.
    All mouth and trousers .
    Bring back Betty.

  54. 54
    It's in a book, somewhere says:

    Oh yes we will!

  55. 55
    Lady Hamilton's Pussy says:

    Nope, not found my Land Rover either.

  56. 56
    Tear along the dotted line says:

    They must be still on the run.

  57. 57
    Spot the deliberate mistake says:

    Cameron the Clunt reckons that we stuffed his lot because we want jobs and growth. He left out Immigration. We don’t want several hundred thousand people a year coming here from ANYWHERE. That’s not racist. That’s is UKIP common sense.

  58. 58

    I find that offensive to tea cups

  59. 59
    Anonymous says:

    “He’s done a lot of work for the Speaker in Burma.”
    Including the decryption of cryptic acronyms, discovered on the back of envelopes?

  60. 60
    Hugh Janus says:

    Does it matter when the answer given never bears any relation to the question asked anyway??

  61. 61
    Esta says:

    fair enough

Seen Elsewhere

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected | TechnoGuido
ISIS Raising Funds Online Using Bitcoin | TechnoGuido
UKIP’s Youth Challenge | BBC
ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,716 other followers