June 12th, 2014

Parliament Asks for Friends for MPs

An interesting job vacancy in Parliament:

Job Title: Induction Buddy for a Member of Parliament (Expression of Interest)
Number of Posts: 75-100
Type of Post: Internal – Expression of Interest
Hours: Variable during November 2014 – January 2015, and first two weeks after the General Election
Closing date: midnight on 19/06/2014

The Role
The Induction Buddy will be the first point of contact for a new Member of Parliament arriving at the House of Commons on their first day. The buddy will escort the new Member through the Members Induction Centre, answering or finding out answers to any queries that the Member may have and take them on a bespoke tour of Parliament. The Buddy will also be expected to provide on-going support to the Member in the weeks following the formal induction, providing the Member, or the Member’s Office with a first point of contact for any queries.

Why not, as a condition of their resettlement pay-offs, simply get those MPs who lose their seats to stick around for a few weeks to show their newbie replacements where the bars are and how to fill in their expenses forms?


128 Comments

  1. 1
    What normal people do says:

    They’ve never heard of a hand over then?

  2. 2
    An Alternative what? says:

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    They much prefer the Handaround…..

  4. 4
    Cynic2 says:

    You certainly havent seen any austerity in the pie department love

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    why not, as a condition of their resettlement pay-offs, simply get those MPs who lose their seats to stick around for a few weeks to show their newbie replacements where the bars are and how to fill in their expenses forms?

    Because the retiring MP’s will teach the new MP’s all the dodges and wheezes that have allowed them to milk the system all these years??????

  6. 6
    legal alien says:

    Is it a paid posistion?

    It’s actually quite a good idea and somthing that a lot of companies do for new starts

  7. 7
    what austerity says:

    Hands up all those who educated their children privately?

  8. 8
    bosom buddies says:

    The only way Miliband can get a mate.

  9. 9
    She doesn't know how lucky she is says:

    If London is so poor fatbot, then why are hundreds of thousands of immigrants trying to get there?

  10. 10
    Anonymous says:

    Instead of a `best buddy`, how about Nigel Evans M.P., your `worst nightmare`?

  11. 11
    peoples assembly run by lefty retards for lefty retards says:

    When you say people you mean lefty retards.

  12. 12
    Sousa says:

    Can’t believe you’re marching, Diane. Waddling maybe but not marching.

  13. 13
    A Clumsy Man with a special kind of ineptness says:

    I’m marching with Nursey… I say marching, she’s taking me to the park.

  14. 14
    Do you work for the BBC or the NHS says:

    Never come across one company that does that. Standard procedure is to double up with the person you are relieving or work alongside someone until you know the ropes.

  15. 15
    Raving Loon says:

    Get fingered

  16. 16
    Diane Abo says:

    Anuff ov di fatty joeks u whitey boyz

  17. 17
    Nick Clegg says:

    Oh look, it’s Mystic fucking Meg.

  18. 18
    Nigel says:

    I will be seeking out the young good-looking males and giving them the hand-down-your-trousers test.

  19. 19
    A small child says:

    When does the fuck buddy get introduced?

  20. 20
    Some People says:

    Isn’t the People’s assembly Owen Jones, A socialist worker and Diane Abbott?

  21. 21
    Welcome to the House of Bum says:

    More like bum buddy and intorduction to the ways of the HoC via your arse hole.

  22. 22
    J A Jones says:

    Give the lad a bacon butty.

  23. 23

    Prepping for UKIP.

    Vote UKIP :-D

  24. 24
    Old Rat says:

    This is a good idea and should be done by the troops to make sure the lazy bastards turn up for work and polish their shoes!

  25. 25
    Welcome to the House of Bum says:

    Think you’ll find there is a ‘black book’ passed among our MPs that does this for them anyway.

  26. 26
    I think Ed's Soundbite team need a Holiday says:

  27. 27

    Had I ever thought about becoming an MP and someone like that was awaiting my arrival, I would have immediately have dismissed them on the basis that, if they can’t learn how to integrate (or for that matter deliberately not integrate and ruffle feathers) for themselves, then they should never have stood as an MP in the first place.

    Is the education system’s ability to inculcate reading so bad in this country or the aspirants so uninterested that they cannot examine the many good books on parliamentary procedure, some of which are over a century old?

    At this rate of regression, they will be offered potty training before long.

  28. 28
    Insecurity Virus says:

    An Insecurity epidemic? Can’t say I’ve noticed one but hay fever is on the rise with the good weather.

  29. 29
    The Usual Suspects says:

    Speakers will include Len McCluskey, Owen Jones, Caroline Lucas, Russell Brand, Jeremy Corbyn, Christine Blower and Lutfur Rahman. What larks!

  30. 30
    Spartacus says:

    cons can help induct the new cons

    labs can help induct the new labs

    libs can help induct the new lib

    This will leave a huge number of new UKIP members who have not been in the Commons before. Hence the army of guides.

  31. 31
    T o t a l R e c a l l says:

  32. 32
    The Nanny state says:

    Anyone who needs wet nursing shouldn’t be an MP period.

  33. 33
    Eddie Izzard says:

    And Me.

  34. 34
    Minge says:

  35. 35
    domino says:

    That way are the toilets, to the right is Library and over there, if you know the right people, you can help launch missile strikes on foreigners, arrange millions in fraudulent welfare payments and just at the back go and write a briefing note that will result in elderly patients having to drink water out of vases while laid in a corridor..

    Super shall we move on.

  36. 36
    Oink says:

    They’ll get three months’ paid training each to prepare for two weeks’ work. And some will not be needed as the number of new MPs cannot be predicted.
    Why can’t the existing MPs help them in a pairing system? (as, presumably has happened for centuries)
    Why do they need a “buddy” each? do they wait for them outside the bog or go in and help them wipe. What do they do when MPs are in Parliament? What about the MPs’ staff which we already pay for?

  37. 37
    Gordon says:

    Just don’t turn up, except to submit expenses. It’s the right thing to do.

  38. 38
    Wake up & vote UKIP says:

    Praying it shall be so.

  39. 39
    8umboy 8illy Hague says:

    I’m available to show how it’s done.

  40. 40
    Missed says:

    Mist?

  41. 41
    Mr A Member, new MP says:

    If my buddy is Penny Mordaunt, yes please.

    If it’s Nigel Evans I want to be recalled.

  42. 42
    The weather forcast in the UK today says:

    Miserable

  43. 43
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    mauldling

  44. 44
    Owen Jones,Socialist turned Capitalist says:

    Nick Clegg,He says what the rest of us be thinkin’.

  45. 45
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    or maudlin ?

  46. 46
    Parliamentry induction authority says:

    How about we call them ‘Political Jungle Buddies’?
    Too racist?
    Ok scrap that one

  47. 47
    Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

    Mmmmmm! Warm!

  48. 48
    albacore says:

    First, they have to teach them how to wipe their arses
    Then how to make out they’re not acting out farces
    All the rest they could write on the back of one hand:
    The E U and immigrants now rule this fair land

  49. 49
    MacGuffin says:

    Surely May and Osborne and, for the other side, Cooper, Umunna and Hunt would be only to glad to have some private vote-garnering bonding time with the new intake in 2015?

    There will be no new LibDem MPs.

  50. 50
    Kirsten says:

    But for now you work in the EP.

  51. 51
    Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

    For the first time in her life the Hippo has got something dead right!

    Yes indeed, Di, we do need an alternative, so wtf don’t you just resign your seat and effoff back to Jamaica? Then maybe the voters of Hackney can get some decent Parliamentary representative for themselves.

  52. 52
    Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

    He’s said that the LibDems are truly screwed at the next general election?

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    Graham Jones M.P. has spoken to hundreds of constituents in xxx town who are concerned that all new M.P.s have a `best buddy`.

  54. 54
    Ed Miliband says:

    I found it hard making friends.Could never glue the eyes on straight for a start.

  55. 55
    Nigel Evans says:

    Moist

  56. 56
    Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

    There will be no new LibDem MPs.

    Corrected your small typo.

  57. 57
    Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

    Murky (like your forecasts)
    Muggy
    Misleading (like your forecasts)Manky.

    That’s enough to be going on with.

  58. 58
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy – It’s what Quacks use all the time.

  59. 59
    Former insider says:

    I worked there seven years thus know all the good bogs to have a quiet shit.
    Avoid the first loo outside the members cloakroom at all costs.

  60. 60
    Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

    “I’ll be your buddy and you can call me Al.”

    (c) P Simon Esq

  61. 61
    Cost of insecurity crisis going too far too fast says:

    Jesus not another sound bite

  62. 62
    Wotak Hunt says:

    Perhaps if she donated some of her TV appearance fees that might ease things …but somehow i doubt it …its all gone to the pie shop

  63. 63
    The Chilcot Enquiry says:

    A long time ago in a distant galaxy………inaccurate intelligence from our parters…….vital security concerns…….a faraway land of which we know little……had a decision to make…….odious dictatorship……some seek to denigrate our brave armed forces……..pretty regular sort of guy…….lessons have been learned…….all’s well that ends well, er, not well exactly, but y’know, the real question is (grins)……..no witch hunts…..let’s move on……is this OK Tony?

  64. 64
  65. 65
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Is that the one with the circular hole in the dividing wall, just below waist height?

  66. 66
    Hugh Janus says:

    Wayciiiist!!!!

  67. 67
    Anonymong says:

    Oi Pie Theif! Have you spotted any spiders on the ceiling today?

  68. 68
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    before writing the idea in stories, by flickering light, was told the story of a fertile garden where all tasty produce grew from the water that fell from the sky and the nutrients in the earth. man had no need for occupation so spent time pleasuring and being pleasured by the female companion.

  69. 69
    07889 189178 says:

    “The over-rate is disgraceful. It’s one thing that the authorities have to do something about. Not at the end of the innings, they have to do it on the day.”

  70. 70
    Buddy, can you spare a dime? says:

  71. 71
    Tim Dim says:

    Made up?

  72. 72
    Truthspeaker says:

    The drowning man clutches at yet another (manufactured) straw.

    That said, with every bit of meaningless verbiage that he spouts his own job gets more and more insecure.

    Let’s hope that Liebour doesn’t throw him overboard as he’s the best electoral asset the other parties have got.

  73. 73
    Former insider says:

    It’s the first bog Northern MP’s hit for a shit after driving four hours down the M1.
    Beware.

  74. 74
    Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

    Monsoon.

  75. 75
    Ed Miliband says:

    Miliband

  76. 76
    Gordon Mc Broon says:

    Mongstrocity

  77. 77
    JH32984923-035 says:

    Lutfur Rahman will be leading a special appeal – More juicy council contracts for Lutfur Rahman and his (very) extended family NOW.

  78. 78
    Mark Oatibix says:

    Did someone say potty training…?

  79. 79
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “Number of Posts: 75-100″

    WTF???

  80. 80
    JH32984923-035 says:

    I can’t make it; can I send a CBU-72 fuel-air explosive cluster bomb in my place?

  81. 81
    ? says:

    They had MP’s in Jesus day as well by the sound of it.

  82. 82
    Roger Helmer says:

    Boris Johnson to enhance water cannon’s effectiveness against UKIP protestors by adding soap.

    Hear ! Hear !

  83. 83
    Robots will solve all our problems says:

    This time will come again, but it will be better, because we won’t have to pleasure them. In about 20 years, you’ll be able to buy a robot that’s indestinguishable from a human being. I bet you’ll be able to buy one that looks like Kate Bush, aged 20. And she will do anything for you. Anything. I might even buy two, although lately I’m leaning towards one Kate Bush and one Debbie Harry (also aged 20). Imagine being washed in the shower by Kate Bush, while Debbie Harry blows you off? Or the other way round? Your choice!

    The future has never looked brighter.

  84. 84
    75-100 is a bit low says:

    How many LibDem MP’s are there at the moment?

  85. 85
    Robots will solve all our problems says:

    This time will come again, but it will be better, because we won’t have to pleasure them. In about 20 years, you’ll be able to buy a robot that’s indestinguishable from a human being. I bet you’ll be able to buy one that looks like Kate Bush, aged 20. And she will do anything for you. Anything. I might even buy two, although lately I’m leaning towards one Kate Bush and one Debbie H*arry (also aged 20). Imagine being washed in the shower by Kate Bush, while Debbie H*arry blows you off? Or the other way round? Your choice!

    The future has never looked brighter.

  86. 86
    Mark Menzies,Moderator says:

    All been moderated and subsequently deleted.

    They were highly offensive to homosexuals.

    Good Day

    Now take you refund and f off.

  87. 87
    Duh! says:

    You know why the original joke was funnier?
    Because it was left wing hug a badger soap dodgers we were talking about.

  88. 88
    Peter M says:

    As Clegg will be out of a job ( unless the EU will have him) he would suit the post admirably

  89. 89
    Anonymous says:

    Are we sure that mp’s who need their hands holding on the first few days of work are of a sufficient calibre to do a proper mp’s job?

  90. 90
    Anonymous says:

    Reach around….

  91. 91
    Andrew, Andrew, I've nothin' to say says:

    Us mammas would go over the prison wall for our children.

  92. 92
    táxpáyér says:

    All living off the fruits of other peoples labours..

  93. 93
    táxpáyér says:

    Me too. In my place a Mr Tsara Bomba will be attending.

  94. 94
    JH32984923-035 says:

    Manufactured climate change data

    Mendaciousness for financial and political gain

    Mealy mouthed excuses for the above

    I could go on.

  95. 95
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    that William Hague is not really a wartime Consigliere is he ?

  96. 96
    Nick Robinson says:

    The only thing worse than receiving a free copy of The Sun is not receiving a free copy of The Sun – Owen Jones

  97. 97
    dai relieved says:

    surely the whips used to hold a list of addresses to which the overtired and emotional could adjourn

  98. 98
    Lord Rennard says:

    Nigel has volunteered to look after the men. I’ll be taking charge of the women.

  99. 99
    táxpáyér says:

  100. 100
    Rickytshirt says:

    Very good. How about ‘Making it up as we go along as usual’.

  101. 101
    Prime Mentalist says:

    Hello, my name’s Gordon. Will you be my friend? I saved the world, y’know. Do you like dressing up?

  102. 102
    The ISIS are our bestest allies, next to Right Sector says:

    How’s foreign policy coming along with you liblabconers these days?

  103. 103
    MSM crap going where it belongs says:

    From the letterbox to the bin in one swift movement.

  104. 104
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Fabbott would go through the wall. No way she’s hauling dat big fat ass over anything!

  105. 105
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    it is an anti protester detergent ?

  106. 106
    A. Kipper says:

    Same here – unopened.

  107. 107
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    There is something many people do not understand about alienation – Sepp Blubber, and many a shyster who claims to have been ‘alienated’. DYOR.

  108. 108
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    i claim the best response so far at no 58 3:28 pm. GF can leave a pint at the Westminster arms for when i come calling.

  109. 109
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Homosexuals are highly offensive to the other 98% of the British Public.

  110. 110

    NO …..COME ON …..SERIOUSLY !!!

    I know I m a bit slow but this is a late April Fool s/early Midsummer Madness joke right .

    Please someone ….anyone …. …tell me it is a joke !!!

  111. 111
    Britain's Favourite War Criminal says:

    Yep! Look! No choice, Atlantic partner, if you don’t get it, I’ll explain to God and put him right. Ok?

    Good to be here in …wherever…

  112. 112

    ….. yes but all the mature London masseuses have retired now .

    I mean they started just after WW 2 poor things . They ve dobe their bit …..now all living in cottages in the Lake District .

    Trade taken over by these East European money grabbers . Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ” short time ”

    Not half classy enough for our political gents .

  113. 113
    Retired Waster says:

    No, but he’s slept with a few fishes.

  114. 114
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    pollocks ?

  115. 115
    Kryten says:

    An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don’t have any Troops replacing those that are leaving, and second, we don’t have any Troops replacing those that are leaving..

  116. 116
    Screwed Taxpayer says:

    Kinell. ConLibLabbers wasting taxpayers’ money yet again.

    If the new M.P.s haven’t got the intelligence and ability to sort themselves out in Westminster then the fucking bastards aren’t up to the job.

  117. 117
    Westminster LibLabCon Policy Maker says:

    I thought I’d farted, but I actually shit myself…Can I claim this on expenses?

  118. 118
    Alien Student Welcome Committee says:

    It may seem like we’re on a different planet, ‘butt rest assured’, we’re not.

  119. 119

    Reblogged this on maltbyblogger and commented:
    Incredible, but true

  120. 120
    Cameron hates us says:

    First point of call….

    http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar

  121. 121
    We love private schools says:

    and an intro to Di Abbottymus

    http://www.rathergood.com/hippo16

  122. 122
    john77 says:

    Or slip them a cyanide capsule?

  123. 123
    A sane person on this site?!? says:

    Unless of course they are UKIPERS. In Guido’s little lovesick brain they can of course piss away taxpayers cash to heir hearts content.

    Consistency on this site? Like hell!

  124. 124
    coffee mate says:

    I am free/there is no more money.

  125. 125
    where is the duck pond please. police says:

    I stand in for murd ok.

  126. 126
    M­a­­q­b­o­­ul says:

    How far will she march I wonder?

  127. 127
    esta says:

    “ask away my dearer”

  128. 128
    Andrew says:

    Cheap jibe and shoddy research.
    the buddy scheme is voluntary and drawn from house staff all across the houses.
    No extra money will be used to provide incoming members with this assistance.
    It is an attempt to enable new members to become familiar with a myriad of things and get them up and running in their new parliamentary duties.

    Its not perfect but its a good step in the right direction. with all the ways of the House and the new tech to be mastered, its small wonder that some will get lost and confused.

    what so you suggest? just leave them to get on with it then accuse them of not doing their job when they don’t understand a procedure or an IT system?


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