June 12th, 2014

Parliament Asks for Friends for MPs

An interesting job vacancy in Parliament:

Job Title: Induction Buddy for a Member of Parliament (Expression of Interest)
Number of Posts: 75-100
Type of Post: Internal – Expression of Interest
Hours: Variable during November 2014 – January 2015, and first two weeks after the General Election
Closing date: midnight on 19/06/2014

The Role
The Induction Buddy will be the first point of contact for a new Member of Parliament arriving at the House of Commons on their first day. The buddy will escort the new Member through the Members Induction Centre, answering or finding out answers to any queries that the Member may have and take them on a bespoke tour of Parliament. The Buddy will also be expected to provide on-going support to the Member in the weeks following the formal induction, providing the Member, or the Member’s Office with a first point of contact for any queries.

Why not, as a condition of their resettlement pay-offs, simply get those MPs who lose their seats to stick around for a few weeks to show their newbie replacements where the bars are and how to fill in their expenses forms?


128 Comments

  1. 1
    What normal people do says:

    They’ve never heard of a hand over then?

    Like

  2. 2
    An Alternative what? says:

    Like

    • 4
      Cynic2 says:

      You certainly havent seen any austerity in the pie department love

      Like

    • 9
      She doesn't know how lucky she is says:

      If London is so poor fatbot, then why are hundreds of thousands of immigrants trying to get there?

      Like

    • 11
      peoples assembly run by lefty retards for lefty retards says:

      When you say people you mean lefty retards.

      Like

    • 12
      Sousa says:

      Can’t believe you’re marching, Diane. Waddling maybe but not marching.

      Like

    • 20
      Some People says:

      Isn’t the People’s assembly Owen Jones, A socialist worker and Diane Abbott?

      Like

      • 29
        The Usual Suspects says:

        Speakers will include Len McCluskey, Owen Jones, Caroline Lucas, Russell Brand, Jeremy Corbyn, Christine Blower and Lutfur Rahman. What larks!

        Like

        • 33
          Eddie Izzard says:

          And Me.

          Like

        • 51
          Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

          For the first time in her life the Hippo has got something dead right!

          Yes indeed, Di, we do need an alternative, so wtf don’t you just resign your seat and effoff back to Jamaica? Then maybe the voters of Hackney can get some decent Parliamentary representative for themselves.

          Like

        • 77
          JH32984923-035 says:

          Lutfur Rahman will be leading a special appeal – More juicy council contracts for Lutfur Rahman and his (very) extended family NOW.

          Like

        • 92
          táxpáyér says:

          All living off the fruits of other peoples labours..

          Like

    • 62
      Wotak Hunt says:

      Perhaps if she donated some of her TV appearance fees that might ease things …but somehow i doubt it …its all gone to the pie shop

      Like

    • 80
      JH32984923-035 says:

      I can’t make it; can I send a CBU-72 fuel-air explosive cluster bomb in my place?

      Like

  3. 5
    Anonymous says:

    why not, as a condition of their resettlement pay-offs, simply get those MPs who lose their seats to stick around for a few weeks to show their newbie replacements where the bars are and how to fill in their expenses forms?

    Because the retiring MP’s will teach the new MP’s all the dodges and wheezes that have allowed them to milk the system all these years??????

    Liked by 1 person

    • 25
      Welcome to the House of Bum says:

      Think you’ll find there is a ‘black book’ passed among our MPs that does this for them anyway.

      Like

    • 36
      Oink says:

      They’ll get three months’ paid training each to prepare for two weeks’ work. And some will not be needed as the number of new MPs cannot be predicted.
      Why can’t the existing MPs help them in a pairing system? (as, presumably has happened for centuries)
      Why do they need a “buddy” each? do they wait for them outside the bog or go in and help them wipe. What do they do when MPs are in Parliament? What about the MPs’ staff which we already pay for?

      Like

    • 122
      john77 says:

      Or slip them a cyanide capsule?

      Like

  4. 6
    legal alien says:

    Is it a paid posistion?

    It’s actually quite a good idea and somthing that a lot of companies do for new starts

    Like

    • 14
      Do you work for the BBC or the NHS says:

      Never come across one company that does that. Standard procedure is to double up with the person you are relieving or work alongside someone until you know the ropes.

      Like

    • 107
      EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

      There is something many people do not understand about alienation – Sepp Blubber, and many a shyster who claims to have been ‘alienated’. DYOR.

      Like

  5. 8
    bosom buddies says:

    The only way Miliband can get a mate.

    Like

  6. 10
    Anonymous says:

    Instead of a `best buddy`, how about Nigel Evans M.P., your `worst nightmare`?

    Like

  7. 13
    A Clumsy Man with a special kind of ineptness says:

    I’m marching with Nursey… I say marching, she’s taking me to the park.

    Like

  8. 17
    Nick Clegg says:

    Oh look, it’s Mystic fucking Meg.

    Like

  9. 19
    A small child says:

    When does the fuck buddy get introduced?

    Like

  10. 23

    Prepping for UKIP.

    Vote UKIP :-D

    Like

  11. 24
    Old Rat says:

    This is a good idea and should be done by the troops to make sure the lazy bastards turn up for work and polish their shoes!

    Like

    • 115
      Kryten says:

      An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don’t have any Troops replacing those that are leaving, and second, we don’t have any Troops replacing those that are leaving..

      Like

  12. 26
    I think Ed's Soundbite team need a Holiday says:

    Like

    • 28
      Insecurity Virus says:

      An Insecurity epidemic? Can’t say I’ve noticed one but hay fever is on the rise with the good weather.

      Like

    • 61
      Cost of insecurity crisis going too far too fast says:

      Jesus not another sound bite

      Like

      • 72
        Truthspeaker says:

        The drowning man clutches at yet another (manufactured) straw.

        That said, with every bit of meaningless verbiage that he spouts his own job gets more and more insecure.

        Let’s hope that Liebour doesn’t throw him overboard as he’s the best electoral asset the other parties have got.

        Like

  13. 27

    Had I ever thought about becoming an MP and someone like that was awaiting my arrival, I would have immediately have dismissed them on the basis that, if they can’t learn how to integrate (or for that matter deliberately not integrate and ruffle feathers) for themselves, then they should never have stood as an MP in the first place.

    Is the education system’s ability to inculcate reading so bad in this country or the aspirants so uninterested that they cannot examine the many good books on parliamentary procedure, some of which are over a century old?

    At this rate of regression, they will be offered potty training before long.

    Like

    • 32
      The Nanny state says:

      Anyone who needs wet nursing shouldn’t be an MP period.

      Like

    • 35
      domino says:

      That way are the toilets, to the right is Library and over there, if you know the right people, you can help launch missile strikes on foreigners, arrange millions in fraudulent welfare payments and just at the back go and write a briefing note that will result in elderly patients having to drink water out of vases while laid in a corridor..

      Super shall we move on.

      Like

    • 78
      Mark Oatibix says:

      Did someone say potty training…?

      Like

    • 117
      Westminster LibLabCon Policy Maker says:

      I thought I’d farted, but I actually shit myself…Can I claim this on expenses?

      Like

  14. 31
    T o t a l R e c a l l says:

    Like

  15. 34
    Minge says:

    Like

  16. 37
    Gordon says:

    Just don’t turn up, except to submit expenses. It’s the right thing to do.

    Like

  17. 41
    Mr A Member, new MP says:

    If my buddy is Penny Mordaunt, yes please.

    If it’s Nigel Evans I want to be recalled.

    Like

    • 98
      Lord Rennard says:

      Nigel has volunteered to look after the men. I’ll be taking charge of the women.

      Like

  18. 44
    Owen Jones,Socialist turned Capitalist says:

    Nick Clegg,He says what the rest of us be thinkin’.

    Like

    • 52
      Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

      He’s said that the LibDems are truly screwed at the next general election?

      Like

  19. 46
    Parliamentry induction authority says:

    How about we call them ‘Political Jungle Buddies’?
    Too racist?
    Ok scrap that one

    Like

  20. 48
    albacore says:

    First, they have to teach them how to wipe their arses
    Then how to make out they’re not acting out farces
    All the rest they could write on the back of one hand:
    The E U and immigrants now rule this fair land

    Like

  21. 49
    MacGuffin says:

    Surely May and Osborne and, for the other side, Cooper, Umunna and Hunt would be only to glad to have some private vote-garnering bonding time with the new intake in 2015?

    There will be no new LibDem MPs.

    Like

    • 56
      Social housing should be demolished with the residents still inside says:

      There will be no new LibDem MPs.

      Corrected your small typo.

      Like

  22. 53
    Anonymous says:

    Graham Jones M.P. has spoken to hundreds of constituents in xxx town who are concerned that all new M.P.s have a `best buddy`.

    Like

  23. 54
    Ed Miliband says:

    I found it hard making friends.Could never glue the eyes on straight for a start.

    Like

    • 60
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      “I’ll be your buddy and you can call me Al.”

      (c) P Simon Esq

      Like

  24. 59
    Former insider says:

    I worked there seven years thus know all the good bogs to have a quiet shit.
    Avoid the first loo outside the members cloakroom at all costs.

    Like

    • 65
      Bosun Higgs says:

      Is that the one with the circular hole in the dividing wall, just below waist height?

      Like

      • 73
        Former insider says:

        It’s the first bog Northern MP’s hit for a shit after driving four hours down the M1.
        Beware.

        Like

  25. 63
    The Chilcot Enquiry says:

    A long time ago in a distant galaxy………inaccurate intelligence from our parters…….vital security concerns…….a faraway land of which we know little……had a decision to make…….odious dictatorship……some seek to denigrate our brave armed forces……..pretty regular sort of guy…….lessons have been learned…….all’s well that ends well, er, not well exactly, but y’know, the real question is (grins)……..no witch hunts…..let’s move on……is this OK Tony?

    Like

    • 111
      Britain's Favourite War Criminal says:

      Yep! Look! No choice, Atlantic partner, if you don’t get it, I’ll explain to God and put him right. Ok?

      Good to be here in …wherever…

      Like

  26. 68
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    before writing the idea in stories, by flickering light, was told the story of a fertile garden where all tasty produce grew from the water that fell from the sky and the nutrients in the earth. man had no need for occupation so spent time pleasuring and being pleasured by the female companion.

    Like

    • 81
      ? says:

      They had MP’s in Jesus day as well by the sound of it.

      Like

    • 83
      Robots will solve all our problems says:

      This time will come again, but it will be better, because we won’t have to pleasure them. In about 20 years, you’ll be able to buy a robot that’s indestinguishable from a human being. I bet you’ll be able to buy one that looks like Kate Bush, aged 20. And she will do anything for you. Anything. I might even buy two, although lately I’m leaning towards one Kate Bush and one Debbie Harry (also aged 20). Imagine being washed in the shower by Kate Bush, while Debbie Harry blows you off? Or the other way round? Your choice!

      The future has never looked brighter.

      Like

    • 85
      Robots will solve all our problems says:

      This time will come again, but it will be better, because we won’t have to pleasure them. In about 20 years, you’ll be able to buy a robot that’s indestinguishable from a human being. I bet you’ll be able to buy one that looks like Kate Bush, aged 20. And she will do anything for you. Anything. I might even buy two, although lately I’m leaning towards one Kate Bush and one Debbie H*arry (also aged 20). Imagine being washed in the shower by Kate Bush, while Debbie H*arry blows you off? Or the other way round? Your choice!

      The future has never looked brighter.

      Like

  27. 69
    07889 189178 says:

    “The over-rate is disgraceful. It’s one thing that the authorities have to do something about. Not at the end of the innings, they have to do it on the day.”

    Like

  28. 79
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “Number of Posts: 75-100″

    WTF???

    Like

    • 84
      75-100 is a bit low says:

      How many LibDem MP’s are there at the moment?

      Like

    • 86
      Mark Menzies,Moderator says:

      All been moderated and subsequently deleted.

      They were highly offensive to homosexuals.

      Good Day

      Now take you refund and f off.

      Like

      • 109
        EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

        Homosexuals are highly offensive to the other 98% of the British Public.

        Like

  29. 82
    Roger Helmer says:

    Boris Johnson to enhance water cannon’s effectiveness against UKIP protestors by adding soap.

    Hear ! Hear !

    Like

    • 87
      Duh! says:

      You know why the original joke was funnier?
      Because it was left wing hug a badger soap dodgers we were talking about.

      Like

    • 102
      The ISIS are our bestest allies, next to Right Sector says:

      How’s foreign policy coming along with you liblabconers these days?

      Like

    • 105
      the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

      it is an anti protester detergent ?

      Like

  30. 88
    Peter M says:

    As Clegg will be out of a job ( unless the EU will have him) he would suit the post admirably

    Like

  31. 89
    Anonymous says:

    Are we sure that mp’s who need their hands holding on the first few days of work are of a sufficient calibre to do a proper mp’s job?

    Like

    • 118
      Alien Student Welcome Committee says:

      It may seem like we’re on a different planet, ‘butt rest assured’, we’re not.

      Like

  32. 95
    the mystical mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    that William Hague is not really a wartime Consigliere is he ?

    Like

  33. 96
    Nick Robinson says:

    The only thing worse than receiving a free copy of The Sun is not receiving a free copy of The Sun – Owen Jones

    Like

  34. 101
    Prime Mentalist says:

    Hello, my name’s Gordon. Will you be my friend? I saved the world, y’know. Do you like dressing up?

    Like

  35. 116
    Screwed Taxpayer says:

    Kinell. ConLibLabbers wasting taxpayers’ money yet again.

    If the new M.P.s haven’t got the intelligence and ability to sort themselves out in Westminster then the fucking bastards aren’t up to the job.

    Like

  36. 119

    Reblogged this on maltbyblogger and commented:
    Incredible, but true

    Like

  37. 123
    A sane person on this site?!? says:

    Unless of course they are UKIPERS. In Guido’s little lovesick brain they can of course piss away taxpayers cash to heir hearts content.

    Consistency on this site? Like hell!

    Like

  38. 127
    esta says:

    “ask away my dearer”

    Like

  39. 128
    Andrew says:

    Cheap jibe and shoddy research.
    the buddy scheme is voluntary and drawn from house staff all across the houses.
    No extra money will be used to provide incoming members with this assistance.
    It is an attempt to enable new members to become familiar with a myriad of things and get them up and running in their new parliamentary duties.

    Its not perfect but its a good step in the right direction. with all the ways of the House and the new tech to be mastered, its small wonder that some will get lost and confused.

    what so you suggest? just leave them to get on with it then accuse them of not doing their job when they don’t understand a procedure or an IT system?

    Like


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VOTER-RECALL
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Austrian Chancellor Werner Faymann on Cameron’s refusal to pay the £1.7 billion EU bill by December 1st:

“Well, then he’s gonna pay on December 2nd”



Mycroft says:

Have you read the last bit of Animal Farm?

You know where the animals are looking through the Farmhouse window?

My TV screen was that window at lunch-time today.

Be careful, the sudden self-congratulatory tone, the slightly pudgy outline of indulgence and you become exactly what you should despise.

The jolly face of the Quisling Cameron poses for your camera has mesmerised and deceived you, you who were once not so deceived.

You were no firebrand, you were a damp squib in my opinion, sorry.

You need a damned good kick up the ahse!


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