June 11th, 2014

Tory Wars: Long Term Inter-Galactic Plan

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a Home Office base, have won their first victory against the evil Govian Empire.

During the battle, Rebel SpAds managed to leak secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the PREVENT STRATEGY, an armored space station with enough power to drain an entire swamp.

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister special advisers, Princess Maya races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen letter that can save her people and restore freedom…


Growth will be back, and in greater numbers too. George Osborne has announced that a new Star Wars film will be made in the UK, or as he calls it “a long term economic plan in a galaxy far far away”. Sajid Javid is more of a Trekkie but adds “the force is strong in this one”. Now the Chancellor just needs to strike down May and Boris and he will become more powerful than he can possibly imagine. Help me OBR, you’re my only hope…


  1. 1
    Dave says:

    Beam me up Scotty

  2. 2
    Schmucasfilm says:

    Kudos to Osborne for looking the more normal of the two blokes here. Poor JJ looks like someone punched him in the conk.

  3. 3
    David Cameron says:

    Its all part of our long term economic illusion.

  4. 4
    Who? says:

  5. 5
    Peter Mandelson's wrecked sphincter says:

    Is that a man standing on the left of the picture, or a Photoshop disaster?

  6. 6
    Tax Break an arm and a leg says:

    I take it that the British taxpayer will be subsidising this film in more ways than one. Do we get invited to the premier screening?

  7. 7
    Centre Parting says:

    Why doesn’t the Union bloke moaning about passport delays get back to his desk and process some instead of bleating on the radio.

    Mind you, the management should have been able to predict renewals on the ten year cycle.

  8. 8
    A beginner's guide to oxymorons says:

    “Nice murderer”
    “Pleasant childkiller”
    “Great Socialist”

  9. 9
    David Cameron says:

    I love sphincter,wrecked or not.

  10. 10
    Luke says:

    That’s C-3PO after his clothes shrunk in the intergalactic whirlpool washer.

  11. 11
    Bert says:

    What cnuts they all are.

  12. 12
    Andrew Efiong says:

    So long as we keep the Klingon Miliband from office, the force (and my taxes) will be safe.

  13. 13
    Free Britain says:

    “Great Socialist”

    “Accomplished Parasite”

  14. 14
    Bert says:

    Don’t forget “Diane Abbott” in your list of poxy morons.

  15. 15
    Iain Duncan Smith says:

    Yes the Tories are the Party of bastards alright !

    Unchallenged by craven Labour, Britain slides towards ever more selfishness | George Monbiot


  16. 16
    Just a Mo says:

    Mr and Mrs Smith from Acacia Avenue, ShireShire don’t cause the delays. Mr Mohammad Sarwar formerly of prophet grove Karachi and his four wives and fifty children are where the delays are caused.

  17. 17
    Bert says:

    It’s all bollocks, as usual. If the backlog is the result of increasing prosperity (haha!) letting people travel abroad more, then the tax take will have gone up so the Home Office can hire more drones. Unless of course they’re entirely incompetent jobsworths, which might explain said bleating.

  18. 18
    Anonymous says:

    When the Darling Buds and Gideonites have fought themselves to a standstill who will then pick up the Crown?

  19. 19
    Free Britain says:

    Hang on, surely they should be banning Star Wars..

    It’s a story of a rebellions struggle against an evil empire who was created from a sham-o-cratic process by evil twisted power hungry psychopaths bent on destroying every bit of freedom and hope for their own gain.

    Surely too close to the truth for the liblabcon? :D

  20. 20
    Gordon Clown says:

    If she really cared so much about this guy’s demise, you’d think she might have spelt his name wrong. Diane – FAIL!

  21. 21
    Ronnie Raygun says:

    Given that the only good socialist is a dead socialist, then she may have a point.

  22. 22
    Bert says:

    Moonbat lost all lefty cred with his grovelling apology to the lamented Lord McAlpine. Not to mention his position as a high priest of the dangerous and now wholly discredited Warming Cult.

  23. 23
    Sue Denim says:


  24. 24
    David Cameron says:

    Only the plebs pay taxes.

  25. 25
    Bumsex Dave says:

    Yep. I’m the biggest virgin galactic arsehole in the Westminster Village

  26. 26
    The top-10 priorities for civil service management says:

    1. Celebrate diversity and inclusiveness.
    2. Make the working space more eco-friendly.
    3. Reward innovative group hugging initiatives.
    4. Reach out to communities to celebrate their diversity.
    5. Use social media to engage with diverse communities and celebrate their diversity.
    6. Draw up lists of inclusive and diversity-empowering methodologies
    7. Motivate and empower Diversity Champions to move forwards inclusive experiences.
    8. Seek out more diversity and challenge common misconceptions about inclusiveness.
    9. Something something something diversity.
    10. Enrich stakeholder community inclusiveness.

  27. 27
    Darth Weevil the Eternally Crazed says:


    Help return the letter U to its rightful place. Stand up for the letter U!

  28. 28
    Dave's ConLibLab Marching Song says:

    Left, left, left right left.

    Debt, debt, debt more debt.

  29. 29

    What is this all about?

    Terry Richardson filming George Osborne fucking Theresa May?

  30. 30
    Marcus Brigstocke says:

    I’ve Never Seen Star Wars.

  31. 31
    The Critic says:

    But Labour permitted the gap between rich and poor to grow whilst in office. The Shadow Cabinet don’t sleep in shop doorways or buy sausage rolls. What makes them the effective voice of the man in the street.

    Look at the last round of council elections for an answer.

    Labour’s leadership only speak to audiences who agree with them as they are unable to cope with rejection. Witness the 2010 election which ‘they did not lose’

    I hope they ‘don’t lose’ the 2015 election……

  32. 32
    Diane Fatbott says:

    Never mind Vlad Derer, what am I going to do about my fat derriere ?

  33. 33
    Multimillionaire tax-dodger Margaret Hodge says:

    Hear hear.

  34. 34
    A concerned Pleb says:

    Guido, you’ll know this, has Osborne got AIDS?

  35. 35
    George Osbourne says:

    I’m the girly voice of C-P30.

  36. 36
    Diane Fatbott says:

    What about enrichment and multiculturalism ??

    Are you failing to celebrate that ??


  37. 37
    Peter Mandelson's wrecked sphincter says:

    Either that, or it’s Data from Start Trek TNG, going through a Dexy’s Midnight Runners phase.

  38. 38
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

    ME ! It’s my turn.

  39. 39
    Boris says:

    Fuck me The Bullingdon Club’s gone down to fuck – chock full of gayboys, dykes and a fucking dustbin.

  40. 40
    The top-10 priorities for civil service management after the previous management was re-educated says:

    1. Celebrate diversity and inclusiveness and multiculturalism.
    2. Make the working space more eco-friendly and multicultural.
    3. Reward innovative multicultural group hugging initiatives.
    4. Reach out to multicultural communities to celebrate their monocultural diversity.
    5. Use social media to engage with diverse multicultural communities and celebrate their diversity.
    6. Draw up lists of inclusive and diversity-empowering multicultural methodologies
    7. Motivate and empower Diversity Champions to move forwards inclusive multicultural experiences.
    8. Seek out more diversity and challenge common misconceptions about inclusiveness and multiculturalism.
    9. Something something something multicultural diversity.
    10. Enrich multicultural stakeholder community inclusiveness.

  41. 41
    Gideon says:

    I’ve seen Uranus lots of times.

  42. 42
    'Gypsy' Dave Cooper says:

    He means Luton surely….

  43. 43
    The BBC says:


  44. 44
    David Cameron says:

    Its all part of our long term wreckonmic plan to force the plebs into bumsex.

  45. 45
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    I hope they put Bercow in R2D2 and throw away the key.

  46. 46
    Ed Balls - Shallow Chancer says:


  47. 47
    dai much relieved says:

    its a relief to think that we’re stoney broke

  48. 48
    ESA claimant #26,785,125 says:

    Lots of lovely zero hour contracts.

  49. 49
    Dianne Abbott the Hutt says:

    Ho ho ho.

  50. 50
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    So you’d rather people were on the dole then?

    The fukwittedness of socialists knows no bounds.

  51. 51
    Benny Fitz-Clements says:

    Bring back Gordon Brown !

  52. 52

    he looks like he has been butt fucked enough to be at risk…

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    “Tory Wars: Long Term Inter-Galactic Plan”
    Eliminate the entire human species? Based on the premise, that all those allegedly intractable problems that politicians can’t solve, but can write books about, will also disappear. (Here’s a thought. Perhaps the reason we can’t solve those problems, is only because politicians aren’t up to the job).

  54. 54

    Zero hours contacts enable small employers to hire people as required on a day to day basis ,often mutually convenient to both parties, many people such as those approaching retirement, students,or those doing second jobs find it works well, and the employers need not pay someone to sit around when there is no actual productive work available.
    Also there is no need to become embroiled in all the other nonsense concerning paternity leave , equal opportunities legislation, and other socialist job killing measures

  55. 55
    The Growler says:

    Tess has her own problems over passport backlog which she repeatedly insisted there was no problem. Passports don’t worry me as I have never had one and unlikely now to ever have one, but think of all those poor folks wanting to spend their money abroad, the Conners will not be forgiven. There is another thing, with passports costing so much nowadays, you would think the extra income would come in very useful, a long term passport somewhere about £99 say and 400,000 applications that adds up to a lot of money, may be a pittance to Geedes and Rupe, Dave and Gideon but it’s there.

  56. 56
    The Growler says:

    That’s right Dave, they cannot see through your cunning plan, lure them all into a state of a feeling of well being so that you and your pals get back with a stonking majority (lol) and then slam the door shut, no money left VAT up to 22.5% further curbs on government spending.

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    Passport chaos; Police and Crime Commissioners; Open borders; collapse of front line Police morale. The list of Theresa May`s achievements gets longer by the day. Nice shoes though.

  58. 58
    The Growler says:

    You could always go on a strict diet with Eric Pickles, just imagine how much would both raise for good causes if the pair of you lost 15 stone plus the added energy you both would have.

  59. 59
    Abdel from Tooting says:

    If I can get one of those robots to work in my shop then I wont have to pay the minimum wage and national insurance

  60. 60
    The Growler says:

    Tess cannot see the problem, and if she cannot see the problem, then there is no problem.

  61. 61
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    I’ve got no sympathy with fukwits that can’t send their passport off with enough notice. They’ve got 10 fuking years to reapply and how many of the useless mongs leave it until the last minute?

    It’s recommended that you renew if you’ve got less than 6 months left. How fuking difficult is that to comprehend?

    It’s the easy option to blame the government if you’re a useless, lazy tw@ who thinks Admin is a place in China.

  62. 62
    The Growler says:

    It’s like anything else in management, creat your own empire and add to it so that it grows, and the bigger it grows the more powerful you are and the further up the geasy pole you get.

  63. 63
    The Growler says:

    The Conners are mourning the passing of one of their longest members Sir Alan Beresford B’Stard, a man who will be missed by the right wing of the Tory Party for his humour and eccentricity

  64. 64
    The Growler says:


  65. 65
    Spin cycle says:

    I told Dyson his design wouldn’t work

  66. 66
    The Growler says:

    Come on Tim, that’s true, but there is a a thing that the BA or whatever name it’s called now, does and that is to pile all the applications up and when you ring them up (if you can get through) you ask for progress with your application their stack reply is “we have not recieved it”, but if you say you sent by recorded delivery they suddenly find it, it probably happens in the passport office.

  67. 67
    The Growler says:

    If you say so George

  68. 68
    Spin cycle says:

    Osborne ……(sotto voce) “Shut up, you goitrous dwarf, this is another fucking film”

  69. 69
    Spin cycle says:

    What for? To finish the job and hang him this time?

  70. 70
    The Growler says:

    Yes Tim, I am sure would love to be on a zero hours contract, just imgine it, you have heard nothing all day, you have not been able to go out all day and it is now 10 pm, the phone rings and the voice on the other end demands that you are required on the night shift through to 11am next day for 12 hours, the next day you are telephoned at 3pm and told you to report for work for work at 5pm for 12 hours.

  71. 71
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    I’d rather that was the case than being on the dole.

    Having been on the dole after being made redundant I think I’m qualified to have that opinion.

    So your point is?

  72. 72
    carroccio1958 says:

    Is that really Nobsore….. without a tie ??

    God ( or should that be GID) he looks a real plonker tieless and
    “tonsured” !!!

    Get your old hair back Giorgino .. and put a tie on !!

  73. 73
    Ciggies for personal use says:

    Trouble is, working away from family, I’m stuck waiting for passport.
    Not yet caused a major problem, but it’s nice if the govt monster can just fucking organise their business properly. Would a private company keep its customers waiting so long?

  74. 74
    ESA claimant #26,785,125 says:

    You miss the point,what is the difference between claiming JSA and ESA?.

  75. 75
    HoC says:

    missed since the 90’s when he crossed the floor and joined Labour

    BTW, why hasn’t Butch been makign statementsin parliament about the death of fictional characters like Liar and Loon used to? Has no one dies in corrie on his watch?

  76. 76
    táxpáyér says:

    Westminster waste-of-space port: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

  77. 77
    Hugh Janus says:


    Still, if you ever fall on your arse at least you’ll have a soft landing, eh, Ms. Abbott?!

  78. 78
    Bad Robot says:

    How many robots can you spot in this scene?

  79. 79
    Maimed Codger says:

    Michael pays the price for his mistakes, in the next series…. who will be fed to Jaba the Pickles, all…. MAY…. be revealed. soon.

  80. 80
    VII: Revenge of the Golden Shower says:

    See three pee o..

  81. 81
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Personal pride.

  82. 82
    Wonga says:

    The cabinet are interbred millionaire public school toffs who look like Star Wars extras.

Seen Elsewhere

Mirror Hacking: 50 Legal Action Claims | Press Gazette
Mandy’s £400,000 Tax-Free Loan From Own Company | Guardian
Why We Must Remember the Holocaust | Hugo Rifkind
“Adjustments” Not Cuts | Gary Gibbon
The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
British Minister in Watch Gaffe | Straits Times
New Tory, New Danger | Laura Perrins
UKIP Could Work With Dave If Price is Right | Douglas Carswell
Cops Catch Crims With B.O. Test | Techno Guido
Bashir’s “False Account” to His Own Lawyers | Times
Injustice of Tax Avoidance Hysteria | City AM

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