June 9th, 2014

PICTURE SPECIAL: Farage’s Top Tory Totty

Gordon Brown declared Nigel Farage to represent the best of British during his Press Gallery lunch this afternoon, telling hacks: “Britain wouldn’t be Britain without Farage with a pint in one hand and a mystery lady in the other”. Well now Guido can solve the mystery…

The blonde with her arm draped around the fun-loving UKIP leader in the (above right) photo is Tess Weeks, privately educated (Haberdashers’ Monmouth) the UCL graduate speaks Russian and Italian, she works as a recruitment consultant with Palm Mason in Canary Wharf. She attended the boozy conference in Malta last week in the course of her work. Guido cannot think why a well-lubricated Nige decided to make friends:

No need for Kirsten, the missus, to worry, there was no 3 a.m. walk back to a hotel room this time however. Tess has a boyfriend and says she is a proud supporter of the Conservative Party…


163 Comments

  1. 1
    Anonymous says:

    silly guido

    Liked by 1 person

    • 5
      Socialism is theft says:

      I suppose it is marginally less acceptable to some than having your arm around Gaddafi or some other despot. Isn’t that right, Mr Blair?

      Liked by 3 people

    • 18
      mustapha legover says:

      don’t mind if i do

      Like

    • 34
      wiggia says:

      And getting sillier, photo op plus stock photos = dodgy geezer in Guidos book these days.

      Like

    • 53
      suissebob says:

      This is disgusting, you’d never see politicians from Labour, the Lib Dems or the Tories with nubile young women.

      It’s all rent boys and crystal meth for them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • 81
        nell says:

        well certainly not gordon!

        Like

      • 83
        nell says:

        Well certainly not gurninggordon!

        Like

        • 109

          NIGEL FARAGE TO HIS SPIRITUAL CONFESSOR SAYS

          Bless me father for I have sinned
          She had big brown eyes and silky skin
          Bless me father I couldn’t resist
          Oh Father you just have no idea what you’ve missed

          Where it’s Wednesday every second week
          From September until May
          She gets the bus to go to work
          Before the dawning of the day
          She took my hand and led me
          Up the stairs into temptation
          In the room the candle flickers
          And your feet are swept away

          Oh Bless me father for I have sinned
          She had big brown eyes silky skin
          Bless me Father I couldn’t resist
          Oh Father, you have no idea what you’ve missed

          All the daydreams in my gallery
          Are portraits of her prettiness
          All the secret silent moments
          Call her features into view
          Every other woman
          Draws contrasts and comparisons
          With the stars and heavenly bodies
          She sits perfectly in tune

          Oh Bless me father for I have sinned
          She had big brown eyes, silky skin
          Bless me Father I couldn’t resist
          Oh Father, you have no idea what you’ve missed

          I’ll say three hail Mary’s and a Glory Be
          If prayers would bring her here to me
          I clenched her shoulders in ecstasy

          She’s got a heart of steel
          (Delightful kindness)
          She looks great in jeans
          (Dunnes stores finest)
          In the crucibles flames
          (Her heart was forged)
          In tongues of fire
          Now I long for more

          Bless me father for I have sinned
          She had big brown eyes, silky skin
          She’s the greatest kisser I ever kissed
          Oh Father you have no idea what you’ve missed !!!

          Like

    • 99
      CONSERVATIVE GENERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN HQ says:

      MESSAGE BEGINS ****

      FFS GF GET A F*CKING GRIP AND START EARNING THOSE BUNDLES OF CASH, TORY HIGH COMMAND IS IN COMPLETE F*CKING DISARRY, CAMERON’S LOST THE PLOT AND IS COMPLETELY FOCUSSED ON HIS AMERICAN BACKERS PAYING HIM LOADS OF LOVELY TAX FREE DOLLARS SPILLING THE BEANS ON CONFIDENTIAL GOVERNMENT INFO…. MAY’S GONE ROGUE, GOVE’S GONE ROGUE, THE WHOLE F*CKING CABINET’S FALLING APART AT THE F*CKING SEAMS.. NEVER MIND A ZOMBIE GOVERNMENT, AT LEAST ZOMBIES STAGGER FORWARD SLOWLY, THIS GOVERNMENT’S ON ITS F*CKING KNEES.

      NOW LISTEN HERE GF, YOU BETTER START PUBLISHING MORE OF THIS SORT OF GARBAGE, JUST KEEP PUMPING OUT THIS KIND OF DIVERSIONARY PROPAGANDA. WE MUST NOT LET THE PUBLIC KNOW THAT THE CAPTAIN HAS ALREADY JUMPED SHIP AND THAT THERE IS NO ORDER AT THE HEART OF GOVERNMENT.

      FFS WE’VE HAD IT IF YOU AND THE REST OF OUR STOOGES DON’T KEEP PUMPING OUT PROPAGANDA TO FOOL THE PUBLIC AND STEAL THEIR VOTES. REMEMBER YOU BELONG TO US, WE PAY YOUR WAGES MATE.

      END OF MESSAGE *****

      Like

      • 113
        Gabgster Blair says:

        Thank you, Heywood

        Your position is still open at Morgan Stanley where my able Jeeves Powell worked

        Dave should be happy on £5 million per year, like me, from JP Morgan, for influence peddling

        Like

    • 116
      Gordo Bruin says:

      I wish Rik Mayall the best of health

      Like

    • 154
      Anonymous says:

      Sell out stooge Guido

      Like

  2. 2
    Welshracer says:

    Tacky springs to mind.

    Like

  3. 4
    Fcukem all says:

    typical fookin politician,
    ukip now a part of the liblabcon connexion

    Like

    • 136
      Fair Play to the lad! says:

      Not really – most politicians go bumming very young men to escape their ugly status-grabbing avaricious wives – at least he has the decency to be seen with something most male voters might tolerate having a go on.

      Like

  4. 6
    Sarah Millington says:

    Was this piece subbed out to Dan Hodges?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 7
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Wow!, a man getting his picture taken with some nice young ladies, where will it all end, homosexuals getting married.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 8
    Helen Keller's Dating Agency says:

    Palm Mason leeching consultation. You have to be blind or desperate to fancy N.F.

    Like

  7. 10
    Ukip finished before they begun says:

    Yvette will rid us of this silly renegade

    All power to Labour 2015

    Like

    • 86
      nell says:

      +++++Laugh+++++ the shrill brownite yvette in no10?

      that’s even less likely than militwit getting there!!

      Like

    • 137
      Fair Play to the lad! says:

      Yeah, that’ll happen.

      Ed Balls as the first lady?

      Don’t they need to get rid of Pob before turning the government into a soviet-style family business?

      Like

  8. 11
    Terry McCan says:

    Who’d a thunk it, a bloke that likes attractive women.

    Like

    • 138
      Vinnie Gastrokes says:

      Who’s posted the Nigel Farage sex video on spankwire?

      It’s a bit less grotesque than watching Balls panting over Yvette as she does a wee wee or Gove being walked all over and his chest pooed on – I thought it was Teresa in those heels and string stockings… My face must have been a picture when Davey Spoonface’s face appeared!

      Like

      • 139
        Vinnie Gastrokes says:

        My mistake, none of that actually happened, i made it all up, i think. I feel so dirty inside.

        Like

  9. 12
    still walking into darkness says:

    Why would you think she was that attractive Guido, didn’t think any of this was your cup of tea

    Like

  10. 13
    neitherdeadnoralive says:

    Give me Nigel any day over Dave/Nick/Ed !! A possibly flawed but otherwise normal bloke, whereas the other three are simply obsfucating, lying pieces of shit.

    Like

  11. 14
    Judge Pickles says:

    Normal Nige compared to a one eyed, pension thieving, expense abusing, tax avoiding, patronising cnut faced jock!

    Like

  12. 15
    A Kipper says:

    My wife kissed Nigel Farage in a car-park after a public meeting – hang on – she’s 76 and a fan and a party member!

    Like

  13. 16
    Austin Tash says:

    Who’d have thought a bloke named Nigel would be so popular with the ladies?!

    He’s got my vote. Get in there, Nige!

    Like

    • 27
      EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

      Perhaps many of the wannabe babes – see it as a free step up on the babe ladder to be photographed next to a ‘normal bloke’…

      Like

  14. 19
    Anonymous says:

    I think it is dreadful when people wash their clean linen in public.

    Like

  15. 20
    The public says:

    “It’s lovely to see you but I have no desire to be part of frontline politics,” says Gordon Brown. An MP.

    Well fuck off then! And stop stealing £65k+ from us for doing bugger all you gormless nonce.

    Like

    • 39
      The most amusing claim ever ?? says:

      With a bit of luck given Brown’s “Jonah Effect” the “YES” Campaign will romp it and he’ll be chucked out of Parliament in March 2016 when Scotland becomes Independent

      Like

  16. 21
    Liar.Politicians says:

    UKIP leader not gay, news at 11.

    Like

  17. 22
    Woof says:

    Finally, Rik did something that made me laugh…

    Like

    • 28
      The public says:

      Not lefty enough to be a REAL Alternative comedian.

      He’ll never be on the same page as Mark Steel or Jo Brand or Marcus Brigstocke or Ed Byrne or Tony Robinson or any of the others on that long, long list of unfunny, boring dullards who have made a career from the BBC.

      Mayall was actually funny.

      Like

  18. 23
    The public says:

    Our survey said “not even with a 10ft bargepole..connected to two other ten foot bargepoles, wrapped in an NBC suit, and delivered via one of those bomb disposal robots that look a bit like Wall-E.”

    Like

  19. 24
    Col Ripper of Braintree says:

    Why on earth would anybody vote for a filthy heteros3xual ?

    If things get any worse politicians will be suggesting that en and women should get married and even be allowed to adopt children

    Like

  20. 26
    Brummie says:

    Remember Kevin Turvey?

    Like

    • 29
      The public says:

      We remember when comedy was funny and not just crap about “‘The Tories , like dun sumfin’ bad about sumfin’..the Tosser!”, so yes, remember we Kevin Turvey.

      Like

  21. 32
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Gonna watch panordrama report tonight of ‘experts’ who lie and lie and lie in court so that the judiciary ‘get the judgment – they want.

    And btw – panordrama probably won’t dare mention that these ‘experts’ all get paid a ‘fee’ but that they are manipulated via the Objectives over riding first and foremost …

    in other words – the first casualty – of these experts espousing their b/s is the truth.

    Examples – you want examples – Sir Prof Roy Meadows, Dr David Southall – and one acolyte of theirs – a Dr Prosser – fucking liars the lot of em. And yes they are all – Snake-oil-salesmen of the psychiatric world of bull.

    Like

    • 92
      nell says:

      Oh definitely Roy Meadows!!! – made loadsamoney from his scientific ‘identification of munchausens’ that he based on just two (TWO!!) patients as he enthusiastically took to the courts to prosecute innocent Mothers, one of whom died as a direct result of his actions and misinformation to the Court. GMC struck him off and then reinstated him just in time to claim his pension!

      Like

      • 142
        EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

        Thank you nell – be you the orig nell or an imposter.

        The issue here really surrounds the invertebrate liars ‘Quacks’ who ‘command multiple fees’ in the Civil family court system.

        i have the priviledge of having ‘legally’ been given a report that a quack wrote up for a senior judge of the family court wherein the quacks report (some 30 pages) submitted to the judge – was littered with contradictions which any judge of any intelligence of the law would damned well know was a false report. The problem being that the judge of supposed intelligence “leapfrogged” over every single contradiction and lie in order to conceal that the father in the matter had abused the child. The court had of course previously found no evidence of such – but new evidence came to light. the new evidence of course showed up previous wrongdoing by the previous judge and therein is – why the judiciary are a sick bunch mobsters – protecting their own who err in law time after time – day after day – decade after decade.

        The criminality being perpetrated and concealed in the civil court system – Family and civil law is one of the most despicable crimes that the UK’s judiciary still manage to get away with. But they won’t be for very much longer

        Like

  22. 35
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    i see the hacking trial has gone into contempt-style lockdown!!!

    Like

    • 38
      EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

      In a humbling moment [B/S murdoch] he gave the dowlers a million. Now let i try and think how much the bastard Murdoch bunged the minx in a kiss off – for which she may [but i doubt it] have to do some bird … i think it was in the region of 10 million and probably included a hefty pension package too.

      Like

  23. 36
    dave says:

    Wot! no pics of Cameron’s nanny?

    Like

  24. 37
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Time for the Royal Regiment of Artillery to change their motto from Ubique to “Bang On!”

    I will be contacting the Master Gunner.

    Like

  25. 41
    Anonymous says:

    Not actually that attractive – a push up bra and some peroxide does not a hot gal make!

    Like

  26. 42
    Tragic = " causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow" says:

    Like

  27. 43
    Col Ripper of Braintree says:

    That woman speaks foreign FFS

    Like

  28. 47
    • 51
      EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

      Who’s that banana on the left – a lefty marxist i guess.

      Like

    • 55
      Bob says:

      And that shifty Milliband signs our freedom away and rats off to New York

      Like

      • 62
        DaveEd Milibanana says:

        Obama made me do it. He said he’d refuse Brown an invite to his Halloween party if we didn’t sign.

        And he said he’d tell the press that Gordon touched his bum on Airforce one.

        We had to sign…had too!

        Like

    • 98
      nell says:

      What are they congratulating him about? being able to spell his own name?

      Like

  29. 54
    Tits oot for the lads.. says:

    All this Sun Column stuff is rubbing off eh Guido? Seen some cracking tits on your site today…

    Like

  30. 56
    gravatarmysteryman says:

    Can you blame him?

    Like

  31. 57
    Alice says:

    “Gordon Brown declared . . .” Who gives a fvck about anthing that waste of oxygen has to say?
    What we would like to hear is, “Gordon Brown declared deceased.”

    Like

    • 64
      Bill Quango MP says:

      ..declared …insane and has been committed to a maximum security psychiatric hospital for his own, and the public’s, safety.

      Like

  32. 59
    Craig Oliver says:

    I’m jealous

    Like

  33. 60
    Max Clifford says:

    Give us a wave…

    Like

  34. 63
    Tony Blair says:

    Give us a bung

    Like

  35. 66
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    Women are dangerous.

    Women are dangerous.

    Playing with fire , playing with fire.

    Sex and politics do not mix.

    Sex in politics costs the taxpayer big time.

    Women who consort with married politicians should be jailed for a minimuum of five years.

    Like

    • 70
      Bob says:

      The Sun are turning Nigel Farage into a folk hero

      Unintended consequences of trying to do “vile” 24/7…

      Like

  36. 68
    Ivor Ellis says:

    Why is that Tory woman being photographed dressed as a tart ?

    Like

    • 101
      GQ Glossy Rag says:

      She has had a career boooosting snog with our Nige

      She can now appear on Cum Strictly Dansing and the Brit Awards for outstanding new tits of the year…

      Like

  37. 71
    Men who have sex with their daughters' friends are disgusting says:

    Why has that woman got her hand on Mr Farage’s shoulder?

    Who gave her permission to do that ?

    Please give me a list of all meetings between Mr Farage and that woman in the last two months.

    He is a married man for Christs sake and card carrying Tory women do not do that type of thing

    Like

  38. 72
    Bombardier; Bedford's finest advertising agency says:

    So…let’s have a look at the replacement for Rik, shortlist.

    1. Iain Dale ?
    2. Tory Bear ??
    3. Diane Abbott ???
    4. Ross Kemp ? {possible!}
    5. Owen Jones – bit over exposed. and weedy. And totally unlikeable
    6. Miranda Hart ??
    7. David Walliams ??
    8. Bus Pass Elvis?
    9. Lewis Hamilton?
    10. Nigel Farage.

    That’s it..that’s the one ..number 10… sign him up..

    Like

  39. 73
    Tory Minister says:

    I shagged my SPAD in a taxi…

    Who am I?

    Like

  40. 74
    Has any bloke had a gay friend who didn't try it on with them? says:

    She’s a Conservative, so by rights, she deserves a good F**King.

    Like

    • 100
      I like trolley dollies, one mile high says:

      She is a recruitment consultant

      So I expect talent is needed to hook either the head or the hunter

      Like

    • 133
      Aida Nuff says:

      The Tories have f!”£$% the English so it’s payback time.

      Like

  41. 75
    Grant"The Cheeky Chappie" Shapps says:

    No disrespect to Gove V May tonight but is anyone getting that quiet before the storm feeling?

    Like

  42. 76
    nigel evans says:

    I’m lost without a bit of cock.

    Like

  43. 77
    The British media are cunts says:

    The male population of the BBC would prefer a young boy.

    Like

  44. 78
    Lydia Dustbin says:

    Seems he can still pull, good for him.

    Like

  45. 82
    Col Ripper of Braintree says:

    I want to see her french kissing that Rochdale slag with the baps

    Like

  46. 85
    National Elf says:

    The girl underneath is Malena Morgan. Stunning.

    Like

  47. 88
    Bumsex Dave says:

    I can’t see what Garage finds attractive about those wimmin things.

    Like

  48. 90
    Polly Pot says:

    Farage is just a scaremonger.
    If , as he says, Muslims really were bad for Britain then we would surely be something subversive happening in our education system ..

    Oh Wait!
    Bugger.

    Wrong again. That’s my 37,512 wrong call in a row.

    Like

  49. 91
    Anonymous says:

    Rather sad to see older men cavorting with young women isnt it Mr Murdoch i think Hypocrite comes to mind…

    Like

  50. 96
    Borris says:

    Jolly Good Show Nigel — we must compare little red books sometime.

    Like

  51. 103
    Mrs May says:

    In memory of Rik Mayall i just hit my SPAD over the head with a frying pan. I am now in need of a new SPAD.

    Like

  52. 104
    Toilets Maguire says:

    What’s happened to our Empty Ed?

    Has Axelgrease locked him up for good?

    Like

  53. 105
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK SON OF COD AND CODFATHER OF SOLE says:

    Good evening Sir if you are out there

    As for the “None Story” about Farage , at least he has been photographed with a Woman , and not like the other three parties male parasites , when it’s usually a man or a rentboy

    Like

  54. 106
    Owen Jones says:

    What are the filthy, barbaric, backward Muslims going to do now we, and now our UK politicians, have discovered there grubby little plot?

    Like

    • 123
      The British media are cunts says:

      Birmingham schools would like Owen Jones to go in and teach the Muslim kids about the joys of anal intercourse.

      Like

      • 150
        JH32984923-035 says:

        Apparently they will also be showing the kids how to tie special knots and how to operate a crane while Owen is there.

        Like

        • 157
          National Union of Tossers says:

          Don’t be an idiot, you ever tried hanging someone after you’ve lopped off their head.

          Like

  55. 107
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “So, where does Islam stop and Islamic extremism begin?” the Beeboids are asking today, on all stations.

    AT FUCKING PASSPORT CONTROL, that’s where, you c’unts.

    Like

  56. 110

    Vote UKIP :-D

    Like

  57. 111
    JH32984923-035 says:

    Just heard how he died. Apparently someone kicked him in the balls, then he fell down some stairs, got his head stuck through the bannisters and then someone did an ignited fart in his face. Died instantly.

    RIP.

    Like

  58. 112
    Sally Bercow says:

    The New Statesman – Best Scene: http://youtu.be/rAiI9z7X2_c

    Like

  59. 120
    The British media are cunts says:

    Imagine what it must be like being a white kid growing up in a shit hole like Birmingham. You feel like a foreigner in your own land.

    Birmingham is just the tip of the iceberg, all of our major cities will fall to the flag of Islam whilst our shit bag politicians pretend nothing is wrong but they of course will move out to ever more remote white only areas and send their kids to exclusive white private schools, leaving the white working class to be wiped out. Y the tide of Islam.

    The vile BBC will of course continue to pretend Islam is nice and cuddly prattling on about so called moderate Islam whilst being unable to define what a so called moderate Muslim is. A bit like talking about a moderate N@zi, there is no such thing.

    I want to weep but to be honest we deserve to be taken over, a gutless nation run by perverts, nonces, traitors and drug addicts.

    Like

    • 125
      Mornington Crescent says:

      I had to go to London today – something I only do ‘in extremis’ while I am in Britain.

      Ye Gods, what a shitheap. Not once was I served by a white English person in a shop or restaurant. Not once did I hear English on the Tube.

      Truly a foreign country in itself – and a revolting one at that.

      Like

      • 135
        Aida Nuff says:

        Get a taxi you peasant. The English still run the cab trade.

        Like

      • 151
        JH32984923-035 says:

        I stay away from any city now.

        It’s hard not to feel enriched – i.e. like a Wildebeest politely making its way through a pack of Hyena – while you are in one.

        Like

  60. 122
    The British media are cunts says:

    Funny that BBC and Channel 4 are sneering at these Ofsted reports yet when Ofsted were going after free schools the BBC and Channel 4 couldn’t get enough of their reports.

    More lefty bias.

    Like

  61. 128
    Out of curiosity says:

    How many carers call at Westminster each day for that has-been Cable ?

    Like

  62. 129
    Anon says:

    What are the contact details for this blog? A twisted story, pictures taken from years ago off Facebook. One when she was 17 and a quote I was supposed to have said. An innocent picture taken for a laugh following his key note speech, taken off her Instagram.

    Like

    • 152
      suissebob says:

      Tess,

      I think you gave it away with “and a quote I was supposed to have said”.

      Contact details are at the top of the blog. I’m sure Mr Fawkes will remove, correct any inaccuracies :-)

      Nice pics by the way.

      Like

  63. 130
    Dan "Warden" Hodges says:

    I’m 100pc sure this proves Farage is gay.

    Like

  64. 131
    Robert Jenrick says:

    I don’t know what to say now that my handlers have left. Help!

    Like

  65. 141
    lojolondon says:

    At last there is something that Brave Dave, Crash Gordon and Guido can agree on – it is to try bring down Farage, who is upsetting the balance in British politics with all this ‘Democratically elected parliament’ nonsense.
    Nice one, Guido, doing Gordon’s job for him!

    Like

  66. 143
    Casual Observer 2 says:

    How about “I’m a naive carpetbagging Tory posh boy who only got elected because of tactical voting by Newark Libdum and Liebour cretins”

    or “Thank you Uncle Dave”

    Like

  67. 146
    "the self-impotence of career politicians in parliament" says:

    The importance of punctuation – Labour’s policy Freudian slip.

    Like

  68. 147
    Nik Clogg says:

    I will resign if it is in the best interests of……….er, myself.

    Like

  69. 159
    Smack my Nigella up says:

    UKIP has Lizzy Vaid…. Beat that Toriies

    Like

  70. 160
    Sir Roger de Senseless says:

    Nice cleavage.

    Like

  71. 161
    Ukip says says:

    Vote Labour

    Like

  72. 163
    Anonymous says:

    “Brown declared Nigel Farage”
    the winner? In regard to instinctively knowing what not to say, in potentially sticky situations involving the fairer sex.

    Like


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