June 6th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Hancock For Britain Edition)

Comments in the comments please…

UPDATE: Now with added confusion:



  1. 1
    David Cameron says:

    I’m ready for bumsex

  2. 2

    Is that a BLUE cake?

  3. 3
    David Mellor says:

    I stabbed my friend Amanda in the back over the Westminster North MP scuffle says Hancock

  4. 4
    Whiffler says:

    Is this a swivel-eyed loon I see before me?

  5. 5
    Robert says:

    That majority is giving me a bi erection

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

    “Christ Andrew, Molly just necked that whole bowl of blue-nun!”

  7. 7
    Newbie says:

    The eyes have it, the eyes have it

  8. 8
    Cm says:

    Wow, Gove and May finally got a room!

  9. 9

    No, that’s my surname not an invitation.

  10. 10
    Erm.. says:

    Who is he?

  11. 11
    Mycroft says:

    This was the chaps reaction to being asked not to butt in on last nights election program.

    Having spent the night trying to pull the conversation his way, when he couldn’t and was asked to not keep interrupting the UKIP representative this was his reaction.

    My caption:- “They don’t like it up ‘em”

  12. 12
    Bill Quango MP says:

    He played Ricky Gervaise’s agent in “Extras”

  13. 13
    Tory Spad says:

    He keeps repeating “the conservative party haven’t won a by election In 25 years” over and over.
    I think the mother board is fried can you send an engineer?

  14. 14
  15. 15
    Total Recall says:

    “Two weeks….Two weeks…t.t.t…w.w..w.wwweeekkkgghhnnnn”

  16. 16
    Anonymous says:

    Hancock put on the spot when asked to name which day of the week it was?

  17. 17
    eye eye captain says:

    Call the technicians our drone has malfunctioned.

  18. 18
    Wendi says:

    Thank God it’s Friday

  19. 19
    Hack says:

    Crystal Methodist gave me a big dose

  20. 20
    Gary says:

    Nick, really – not in public!

  21. 21
    David of Stourbridge says:

    Hancock practices the ‘swivel-eyed loon’ look in anticipation of a pact with UKIP.

  22. 22
    Justin McGuirk says:

    Breaking News, a female member of the public has just voted for UKIP.

  23. 23
    Swivel eye says:

    Did Tony Blair really earn that much?

  24. 24
    Not so much a caption more a fact says:

    Hancock goes boss eyed when asked a question concerning Europe.

  25. 25
    Daddy says:

    …thats almost an arm full.

  26. 26
    Anonymous says:

    Is your heart and mind following yet?

  27. 27
    E says:

    Ok Hancock do your best miliband eating a bacon sandwich impression.

  28. 28
    Rastus Q. McHunter says:

    “My surplus is bulging.”

  29. 29
    Mine d'Boggles says:


    was far funnier than this lot

  30. 30
    Govenor of sing sing says:

    Plug the chair in boys.. lets hope he’s a twitcher

  31. 31
    Socialism is theft says:

    I have a couple of pupils to sort out.

  32. 32
    David Cameron says:

    Its part of our long term economic plan to form a slogan that works for the(soon to replaced) people of this country.

  33. 33
    Socialism is theft says:

    So Mr Hancock, what do you say to Dave’s intention to invite 75 million Turkish members of the religion of peace to this country?

  34. 34
    Steve Miliband says:

    MP denies ever taking hallucigenic drugs

  35. 35
    Here is BBC home service says:

    MP droid requires full reboot after 404 error from his political party’s web page.

  36. 36
    Common Man says:

    Cricky !

    What do you mean ‘we might actually have to hold an EU referendum…’

  37. 37
    EyeSee says:

    Eyes down for a fool House

  38. 38
    The man is such an arse I actually liked the labour guy better says:

    Hancock certainly made my mind up last night.
    I’d rather re engage with my ex finance who gave me crabs than with the politics of the LibLabCons.

  39. 39
    Boy Milliband says:


  40. 40
    Steve Miliband says:

    Footage of Farage romp in Malta released

  41. 41
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Perhaps the remote-controlled vibrator had been rather a bold idea, on reflection.

  42. 42
    jatrius says:

    Mad swivel-eyed loon lusts for chance to show Diane Evans his huge majority.

  43. 43
    Maimed Codger says:

    No, my nose is not becoming larger, every time I speak..

  44. 44
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Matt was tying himself in knots.

  45. 45
    Anonymous says:

    I’m thinking if Ukip has no real chance in the GE,then i will vote for Liebore just to see the back of these smug tossers.

  46. 46
    Tim Dim says:

    See! I can lose my deposit as well Nick …..

  47. 47
    Socialism = Starvation says:

    Who is the person in the picture? This is all rather village talk, I would say incestuous, but that might be too kind.

  48. 48
    Plastic Pat says:

    It is fucking simple

    If you pay people for cleaning up shit in old peoples home they will clean up shit
    same as
    If you pay people to stay at home they will stay at home

    If you tax smoking, people will reduce the amount they smoke
    same as
    If you tax profit they will reduce the amount of profit they make

    It really is this simple

  49. 49
    Mr Allan says:

    Blue nun with Brillo makes Hancock brazy

  50. 50
    Here is BBC home service says:

    The eyes have it.

  51. 51
    Socialism is theft says:

    On top of immigration, the EU and green energy taxes, Mr Hancock, what else has your party in common with the Lib Dems?

  52. 52
    Gentlemen Prefer Polaroids says:

    Damn good job the photograph didn’t catch me giving myself hand relief.

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    I can’t see Handycock anywhere in the picture

  54. 54
    It's OK 99.9% of real people don't know who the C*nt is either says:

    He’s the Conservative minister for silly walks…and wonky eyes by judging by the photo.

  55. 55
    Bishop Brennan says:

    “So Mr Hancock, why have you been sexually harassing your constituents?”


    “Oh, sorry, wrong Hancock… you’re not the weirdy-beardy one”

  56. 56
    Fruitcake, swivel eyed loony, closet racist, crank and gadfly says:

    Matthew Hancock spots Diane Abbott’s thighs.

  57. 57
    Mycroft says:

    I can only wholeheartedly agree with you.

    Both Lab and Con were ghastly creatures, but at least the labour chap didn’t appear overtly insane, his insanity was just being a Labour man, but the Con was desperate to not be drawn on anything he hadn’t been briefed on.

    That concentration and blinkered avenue of discussion made him unable to partake unless he had been briefed by his SpAd with whom he was in constant contact.

    I think the BBC should not allow these people to have phones on set.

    Had he not been in constant contact I think we might have been able to more accurately gauge how vacuous his mind was.

    It really was like watching someone being programmed to spout another’s words.

    Still, at least we can highlight this fact and I like that.

  58. 58
    David Cameron says:

    He heads up the ministry of bumsex.

  59. 59
    kweer street says:

    Senior Tory has his back door smashed in; no change there then.

  60. 60
    M­a­­q­b­o­­ul says:

    Tonight Matthew, you’ll be doing Stares in your Eyes….!!

    I’ll get me coat.

  61. 61
    Point of Information says:

    Matt Hancock look like a Nazi.

  62. 62
    CMQ says:

    Look at the size of that majority !

  63. 63
    Observant says:

    Hancock experiences a lumpy botty belch.

  64. 64
    táxpáyér says:

    HOWEVER If you tax rent-seeking then you get lower rents.

    Now THAT’S CAPITALISM. Pity the Dave Party is more likely to do the below insanity.


  65. 65
    sir alex fergybum says:

    Squeaky bum time 2015

  66. 66
    Anonymous says:

    Goggle eyed fuckwit.

  67. 67
    Brillo says:

    And while we await the Newark result, can you show us your ‘cum faces’

  68. 68
    Daddy says:

    see #25

  69. 69
    táxpáyér says:

    Labour spokesman after byelection results announced.

  70. 70
    everard says:

    It’s what we fought WW2 for.

  71. 71
    The Growler says:

    Is this the real Popeye, toot, toot

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    “Wow, that’s the best election result I’ve had in years !”

  73. 73
    Stu says:

    He’s just seen what Lord Smith has planned to spend on gay pride marches this year, courtesy of the Environment Agency.

  74. 74
    The Bubble and Squeaker says:

    The Ayes have it! The Eyes have it!

  75. 75
    geordieboy says:

    Just seen a photograph of Mike Tyson’s dick.

  76. 76
    Anna Soobry says:

    He’s enjoying a finger.

  77. 77
    Diane Fatbott says:

    Would you like to be me baby-father an’ that?

  78. 78
    Anonymous says:

    Well hell-O-O Penny Mordaunt!

  79. 79
    neitherdeadnoralive says:

    The bint from UKIP could be seen tapping the leg of the Labour wallah and pointing at Handcock when he nodded off !!

  80. 80
    Bert says:

    Your flies are undone, Brillo.

  81. 81
    gildedtumbril says:

    ” MY flies is undone!”

  82. 82
    Gobshyte Hancock says:

    My best Ed Balls impression.

  83. 83
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Umm….if somebody reduces the net profit that people can make from rents, those people will tend to reduce supply, thus forcing up rents. Possible solutions to high house prices and rents are (a) reduce immigration and (b) reduce planning constraints.

  84. 84
    Evil Doctor says:

    Congratulations, you are now attached at the front of the “Human Centipede”

  85. 85
    Dean says:

    Why has he unzipped his……..? Bloody hell these lib dems are keen to stay in government!

  86. 86
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Matt Hancock hears that the 2026 World Cup is to be organised and staged by the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, in order to reduce the level of corruption involved.

  87. 87
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Apart from the eyes, nose, mouth, facial shape, eyebrows, chin, hairstyle, ears and uniform, they’re like two peas in a pod.

  88. 88
    Vince Cable says:

    It wasn’t me! I was-er-going for a walk, um, watching telly, that’s it.

  89. 89
    eels says:

    Eyes to the left.
    (It’s a crap place to be.)

  90. 90
    CCHQ says:

    He’s watching Grant Shapps Crapping

  91. 91
    WIKIPEDIA says:

    In economics (see public choice theory), rent-seeking is spending wealth on political lobbying to increase one’s share of existing wealth without creating wealth. The effects of rent-seeking are reduced economic efficiency through poor allocation of resources, reduced wealth creation, lost government revenue, increased income inequality,[1] and national decline.

  92. 92
    John Bellingham says:

    “You are getting sleepy, sleepy, sleeeeepy! Now vote conservative!”

  93. 93
    Ziz says:

    -twat makes mental note of things to do:

    1. get sheaf of expenses claim forms
    2. have quick wa—
    3. suck up to Cameron and BBC

    and—————–oh yeh

    4. get thyoid function tests done–again

  94. 94
    Ed Miliband says:

    Looks thlike a perthectly reathonable faithul expwession to me.

  95. 95
    Rickytshirt says:

    As Matt felt a surge of stimulation from his neath-pant area, he recalled the reading the blurb on the box of his personal massager.

    “This discrete, yet powerful personal massage device will respond to sudden increases in body temperature and changes in galvanic skin response using an array of sensors in the shaft. In times of high stress the maximum setting will instantaneously activate, immediately getting to work on those problem areas and vibrating those worries away. Clean with soap and warm water. ***As recommended by 17 Lib Dem M.P.’s***

  96. 96
    táxpáyér says:

    It’s the government passing laws that ensure you a revenue that otherwise would not exist because people would not choose to pay you for this service.

  97. 97
    Mike Hancock (the sane one, as it happens), says:

    And you call ME the “strange” Hancock! I don’t even know this bloke (let alone am I related to him) and by the look of him, I don’t suppose I want to, either. Boaz.

  98. 98
    táxpáyér says:

    Read Ricardo’s Law of Rent and come back to me when you understand it.

  99. 99
    Presumably 'Politics and Poetry' was fully-booked says:

    He’s got the same Mickey Mouse degree as you, too.

  100. 100
    Sid James says:

    I’m going to to give you a punch up the bracket, Hancock.

  101. 101
  102. 102
    The Westminster guide to MPs who've never had real jobs says:

    Minister of State for Skills and Enterprise shits himself when asked to list the real-world work experience that qualified him for the role.

  103. 103
  104. 104
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    And for my next trick, I will vanish just like the Oozelum Bird.

  105. 105

    …and this is my Ed Miliband impression.

  106. 106
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    If there was a prize on offer – i just might be bothered.

  107. 107
    Eddy Balls says:

    Who are you calling a swivel-eyed loon?

  108. 108
    suissebob says:

    I think you spelled ‘election’ incorrectly.

  109. 109
    Anonymous says:

    We’ll give you a prize if you sod off.

  110. 110
    Welshracer says:

    His reaction when presented with a knitted willy warmer to go with his jumpers.

  111. 111
    Liar.Politicians says:

    Not on the leg Molly, not on the leg.

  112. 112
    Sage Vals says:

    Caption: *I spy… EU Commissioner’s job! EU Commissioner’s job…*

  113. 113
    Alexei Romanov says:

    I usually take them out at night!

  114. 114
    neitherdeadnoralive says:

    He’s not hiding the “lizard” very well; but no doubt he will be at a future Bliderburger meeting !!

  115. 115
    Anonymous says:

    “Oops – that wasn’t a fart!”

  116. 116
    Sir Mary Flappes says:


  117. 117
    OptrexMe says:

    Gobstopper eyeballs…

  118. 118

    Look, I don’t mind going up to Newark to campaign three or four times. I don’t even mind having to sign in and sign out when I visit. But compulsory bumsex sessions, in order to appear hip, is way beyond the pale.

  119. 119
    Gez says:

    “We’re reducing the deficit and bringing immigration down. Cameron will negotiate the EU into a different entity. Wibble! Hatstand! Bling dong bling dong I’m a clock!”

  120. 120
    The Growler says:

    Anyone wanting to buy a house from £100K, there are quite a few for sale and more coming on line in the near future. There is one teensie-weensie little draw back, I have been assured that an impermeable membrane a few metres down, it is built on the site of an old benzine and coal tar plant when they were stripping the topsoil if the wind was in the wrong direction the smell was excruciating and smelt well over a mile away, but everything is huncky dorry I am assured that there will be no seepage. What are you lads waiting for, put your money where your mouths are.

  121. 121
    igor [walk this way] frankensteeeen says:

    Marty Feldman knew my mother. My mother knew Marty Feldman!

  122. 122
    The Growler says:

    You sucked your girl friends toes, yuk

  123. 123
    The Growler says:

    Hancock has a lovely suprise!

  124. 124
    The Growler says:

    He might be one of those echo machines

  125. 125
    Anonymous says:

    How do you look at it?

  126. 126
    Captain Mainwaring says:

    Stop rolling your eyes, Hancock.

  127. 127
    Truthteller says:

    He’s my MP and he’s a HUNT!!!

  128. 128
    Parody Lost says:

    Troll the tongue and roll the eye

  129. 129
    carroccio1958 says:

    I ll bet tbere ll be a lot of Bolly and foie gras consumed in the Cotswolds this weekend as the Tory Great and Good kick back and relax after what could have been a disaster at Newark and not just a major wound .

    ( on reflection better switch the party to Chequers — can pass it off as grace and favour entertaining on the exes )

  130. 130
    Spartacus says:

    I’ve been shaking hands with many black people in Newark . . .

  131. 131
    Anonymous says:

    Cocky hears the news that laws has been called in to advise on their election expense return.

  132. 132
    disgusted of tunbridge wells says:


  133. 133
    Anonymous says:

    “Friday Caption Contest (Hancock For Britain Edition)”
    Is this a han(d) I see before me? What manner of magnificence, be within its grasp?

  134. 134
    RichUpNorth says:

    ALIEN! They walk among us!

  135. 135
    The Growler says:

    What no takers, you do surprise me

  136. 136
    Anonymous says:

    Matt ‘Eagle Eyes’ Hancock, Made In England By Palitoy Under Licence From Hasbro ®

  137. 137
    GlobeLink News ! says:

    The vision mixing on this programme is always to a high standard !

  138. 138
    Eric Edmond says:

    Oh dear my former BoE chum is trying to rival Dianne Abbott in the eye rolling competition. I am baffled.

  139. 139
    Parody Won - BGT says:

    “And they sang a song about Lucifer – several times. The way they kept smiling, it was sinister”


    The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven

  140. 140
    Financial Astrology Rules!.. says:

    I completely confirm my opinions. Whatever I say will be gobbled-down by half-baked morons and quasi-numerate fools. Whatever I say will stand as nothing less that Prophecies! Now, where’s the fucking wine room as I’ve exhausted all my ‘big words’ and I’m down to just being a turd who’s trying to forecast the fucking ‘financial weather past next week’.

    PS. Any deviations from the ‘Norm’ are due to ‘Human Behavior’ and are not due to any ‘short-sightedness’ on my part.

  141. 141
    ken wilkinson says:

    Unexspected cold front hits the Trossacks.

  142. 142

    We’re a gaggle of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with helpful information to paintings on. You have performed a formidable job and our whole neighborhood shall be thankful to you.

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