May 30th, 2014

Helmer: Nigel Would Do a Better Job Than Me in Newark

The Speccie have been up to Newark to interview the Tory and UKIP candidates ahead of next week’s by-election. Roger Helmer has admitted that even he doesn’t think he’s the best man for the job:

“Nigel has that enormous box office presence, and I’m sure he would do a better job than I would do. Obviously Nigel is the biggest face and the biggest asset for the party.”

Read all about it here. While dull Tory Robert Jenrick, touted as the “entrepreneur” candidate, confesses to never having run a business, and denies being a carpetbagger. Despite having stood in Newcastle-Under-Lyme in 2010 and attempting to get selected in Croydon before landing Newark…


  1. 1
    Mycroft says:

    Another half-truthful strap line that attempts to put words in others mouths.


  2. 2
    ancientpopeye says:

    I see the Tory is a perfect shoo-in for the job, bin nowhere, done nothing teenage entrepreneur.

  3. 3
    Hadley "Screaming Banshee" Freemann says:

    Hear me roar. I am offended on behalf of all imaginary women by joey barton’s sexist comment. He is a typical male, they are all evil and pushing their r.a.p.e. culture. SEXIST. Arghhh, trigger warning. White male! I’ve called the police expect arrests. Retweet Caroline criado Perez and Laurie penny. Barton is the same as that man (male) in California who murdered two women last week (some men were killed but they are irrelevant to my point because all men are sexist)

    #equalrights #smash the patriarchy #everydaysexism

  4. 4
    The River Trent is mightier than the Thames says:

    Kippers 4 Newark

  5. 5
    Whatever Happened to? says:

    Whatever Happened to?

    Dave’s Big society

  6. 6
    I only read the Guardian Comments section for a laugh says:

    Jenrick claims to never having worked in politics before, yet according to his own website’s ‘about’ section he has done, with numerous research roles for MPs in Westminster and in Washington DC in the House of Representatives. Curiously however, that section was deleted from the website not long ago to remove any mention of his previous work in politics, however you can still view old versions of it ( It would appear he wasn’t being completely honest about never having worked in politics before….

  7. 7
    Diane Abbott says:

    I remember where Newark is now. It’s got the airport that I use to visit my fine socialist friends in America.

  8. 8
    Fruitcake, swivel eyed loony and closet racist says:

    You don’t use your best weapon during the opening salvo of a battle.

    Vote UKIP, get UKIP.
    Vote Tory, get Labour,
    Vote Labour, get Tory,
    Vote Lib Dem, get sectioned.

  9. 9
    Brussels distroyer says:

    Sounds a bit like Roger Helmer should actually be the UKIP candidate..Interesting journalism Speccie…on the basis of this piece we may have to do a subscription..

  10. 10
    Lothario says:

    When a man walks into a nightclub, of course he is going to have a look around to gauge the attractiveness of the women there (unless he’s gay). It would be natural to be more interested in the least unattractive ones. Women do the same thing the other way around.

  11. 11
    Steve Miliband says:

    Really surprised they didn’t pick Neil Hamilton. Or that shouty woman from Question Time. Quality.

  12. 12
    Mycroft says:

    The lumpen oaf in the video is a physical representation of it.

    The Cons are on the back foot, they are not attempting to give UKIP a bloody nose, it simply can’t happen, their vote will increase no matter what, whereas UKIP can inflict a bloody nose upon the face of the Cons.

    The reporter has failed in 20 seconds to even garner the slightest grip on reality… an bloated dipstick.


  13. 13
    No 6 says:

    My technique for successful club seduction was always to ‘go ugly early’. It works a charm with endless knee-tremblers behind shops and pubs.

  14. 14
    Twampersand mk II says:

    Looks like a younger Nick Soames. If he gets any fatter he’ll burst.

  15. 15
    Laurie Penny says:


    Hate crime. Police Called. Expect arrests.


  16. 16
    Tom Catesby says:

    Silly remark by Helmer, but UKIP is learning. Tory is a cardboard cutout.

  17. 17
    Gawd Help Us says:

    Never run a business? Sounds like he’ll fit in just fine in Westminster.

  18. 18
    Rickytshirt says:

    Most likely, Nigel would do better than anybody else in mainstream politics.

  19. 19
    Tom Catesby says:

    ‘entrepreneur’. French word, meaning Wanker.

  20. 20
    Steve Miliband says:

    Helmer has just been voted in as an MEP? How can he be an MP as well?

  21. 21
    It's only an advert. says:

    Calm down dear!

  22. 22
    Socialism is theft says:

    After a UKIP victory the next best result at Newark would be a Labour victory. This would prove to all those arrogant Tory toffs that they can never win the next election by ignoring the feelings of the people with regard to the EU and immigration.

  23. 23
    Mycroft says:

    I would never normally judge someone on their looks or make comment upon it, but because the idiot hasn’t really produced a piece of work worthy of anything other than contempt, their is little else to do but rip him to shreds on that front too.

    He can’t be a journalist surely to god.

  24. 24
    Twampersand mk II says:

    Struck me as shifty. Why be a director of your own company to renovate your own house? His answers were sketchy, but then again fatty didn’t press him on it.

    Why do people vote for kids that are still wet behind the ears, especially smarmy, tory mongs?

  25. 25
    Mycroft says:

    It is a statement of truth, Nigel is a big draw, Helmer is not.

    Either people want the truth spilling from the mouths of politicians or they don’t, if they don’t then put the X in the big box anywhere else on the ballot paper.

    If he’d said anything else I’d have considered him less than a realist and we’ve had enough of that stupidity with the likes of Clegg.

  26. 26
    Mycroft says:

    Cameron clone… for that alone anyone who votes for the ‘Mini-me’ should be consigned to the ‘Retard Bin’.

  27. 27
    Edward 'Gross Indecency' Heath says:

    My technique for young boy seduction was to collect one from a children’s home in Jersey, bugger them on my boat and then chuck them in the sea.


  28. 28
    Socialism is theft says:

    He was not voted in as an MEP. His party was voted for and he was chosen from a list. Assuming he becomes an MP then the next person on that list will become the MEP. Simples.

  29. 29
    Fishy says:

    Does this mean that Cinderella is banned from now on? Can’t have any reference to the ugly sisters can we?

    Mind you if the feminazis did try, they be shooting themselves in the foot…there’s be no work for Harman, Fatbott and the Eagles, if they did.

  30. 30
    Mycroft says:

    It actually means ‘Undertaker’… we can only hope I suppose!

  31. 31
    Anonymous says:

    It is within the rules. Would be nice to get two salaries.

  32. 32
    Anybody voting for that prick wants their head looking into says:

    Ahh, I see you’ve spotted the slight chink in the armour of all Tory politicians – they are inveterate liars.

  33. 33
    BBC says:

    The word “girl” has now been officially banned.

  34. 34
    Fishy says:

    She was appalling. Is that what UKIP are going to offer us? A slightly thicker version of the moronic Owen Jones, who doesn’t know when to STFU.

    I remain tempted by UKIP’s broad argument but not if it means giving my vote the likes of her, FFS

  35. 35
    Steve Miliband says:

    Not allowed dual mandate since 2009

  36. 36
    Fishy says:

    Don’t forget the pensions

  37. 37
    Roger Helmler says:

    I’m getting my excuses in early.

  38. 38
    táxpáyér says:

    The art of good management is to make best use of the imperfect resources you’re given.

  39. 39
    Anonymous says:

    Between 1st November 2014 and 31st March 2017 the Lisbon treaty and the others will be fully in operation and the right of Parliament to legislate over us in 43 areas (the important ones) will be removed and be made subject to approval, by a majority vote of the lying undemocratic and unelected EU. One of these 43 areas is the withdrawal of a member state. Basically after March 31st 2017, even if we did vote to leave the EU in a referendum, the EU would still have to vote in favour of it, like that’s going to happen. Cameron will say it’s not his fault.Vote UKIP.

  40. 40
    Dennis McShane says:

    I’m getting my expenses in early.

  41. 41
    Vince Cable says:

    “Tory Robert Jenrick, touted as the “entrepreneur” candidate, confesses to never having run a business”

    Yeah, well I’ve never run a business, either, and (apart from a brief stint in Shell’s account’s department), I’ve never even worked for one. But I still got to be Business Secretary.

  42. 42
    Mornington Crescent says:

    …or, almost literally, “taker inbetween…”

    Perfect MP material!

  43. 43
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Layabouts & other Wasters says:

    Good point, the Tories have lost touch with grass root support and will be finished unless they reconnect.

  44. 44
    Mycroft says:

    Indeed, but good management doesn’t involve blatant bare-faced lies.

    If one of my suppliers tells me something that is demonstrably a lie they walk the plank. If they tell me what their limitations are and they convince me that they are not trying to fob me off they keep the contract and we try to help with lead-in times etc.

  45. 45
    The Spice Women says:

    You’d beter hope the Spice Girls don’t do a re-union concert.

    Actually, I hope they don’t do a re-union concert, too, but not because I’d have difficulty reporting it.

  46. 46
    Unexpected item in bagging area says:

    She was a tad shouty but contrasted with that God-awful Labour woman who just typified everything that is odious about politicians I think I’d opt for the shouty one. Also, to be fair, it was the usual BBC anti UKIP brigade in attendance so she had every right to defend herself.

  47. 47
    Mycroft says:

    Dates are important.

    Cameron is being as deceitful as it is possible to imagine.

    The living dead are hard to return to sapient beings, it is a big task ahead.

    Your post is a timely (sic) reminder of the way the landscape is unfolding.

  48. 48
  49. 49
    Boycott companies that employ EU immigrants says:

    I think we’ve got a couple of hundred fairly persuasive nuclear warheads.

  50. 50
    jgm2 says:

    Surely it’s literally ‘between-taker’ or, as we say in English, middle-man.

  51. 51
    Winston says:

    Good spot. That’s the great thins about this site, the posts from investigative readers. How long before Cameron tells Guido to shut down the comments?

  52. 52
    Winston says:

    Rubbish. She was superb. She humiliated Piers Morgan and Joey Barton and the leftie plants in the audience. The Tory minister hardly uttered a word. UKIP are on the march.

  53. 53
    domino says:

    I even kept my old Casio watch calculator, as it only has 6 digits it explains why I sold Royal Mail off for so little.

  54. 54
    Cameron Attacks Britain says:

    What the fuck is Cameron doing to the Green belt? Drove through the national forest yesterday and saw dozers destroying hundreds of acres of meadow land.

    He is doing more damage to this country than even Blair did.

  55. 55
    Mornington Crescent says:

    True – but I think the almost literal version is more befitting of our so-called ‘representatives’.

  56. 56
    Fishy says:


  57. 57
    Boycott companies that employ EU immigrants says:

    I had one of those when I was a kid – they only displayed 6 digits in one go, but there was a button on the side that would show the other 2. Mind you, if Vince had forgotton about that it would explain a few things.

  58. 58
    Wotdifference says:

    Just goes to prove that the BBC has nothing to teach the Speccie about partiality.

  59. 59
    Gordon Brown says:

    That’s nothing. I am a History teacher and they put me in charge of a country and its finances.

  60. 60
    Fishy says:

    If that’s what you think.

    But you have to admit she got rather over-excited. Watch it again on iPlayer – she’s a bit out of control.

  61. 61
    Dave "I've doubled Britain's debt" Cameron says:

    They are not “destroying hundreds of acres of meadow land”, they are creating new and vibrant communities. I increased net immigration to 210,000 last year, and they’ve got to live somewhere..

    You didn’t really think I was going to reduce immigration, did you? LOL! I bet you thought I was going to reduce the nation’s debt, too!

  62. 62
    Mr Nobody says:

    Know the area well, will be a Tory hold with Ukip to come second.

  63. 63
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    So it’s try every different area until you get elected as Camoron’s Conservatves MP, seems Camorons Conservatives have taken notes on how Liebour the party of the people do it, do they do it when their’s an all woman list like Liebour did it for Mrs Mrs Dromy and they wonder why people don’t vote..

  64. 64
    Mr Nobody says:

    Ukip may be on the March, but it’s nearly June now.

  65. 65
  66. 66
    Anonymous says:

    It’s not like he hasn’t got form for it.

    Vote Tory. Get Tony.

  67. 67
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Layabouts & other Wasters says:

    I’m just off to the foodbank as I’ve wasted all my money on drugs, drink, foreign holidays, petrol and the ponies.

  68. 68
    domino says:

    I left mine in my Sinclair C5

  69. 69
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “It’s another facet of intolerance, or, because there’s no guarantee it was done by Islamists, it could be those in society who are trying to polarise and divide us.”

    Ah, I see: so Islamists aren’t “trying to polarise and divide us”? Of course not – only those ghastly white British – now an ethnic minority in London – can do that, can’t they.

  70. 70
    domino says:

    Was it Ancient History as you seem to have forgot the period when you sold Gold cheap?

  71. 71
    the braintree ripper says:

    That Tory wanker (not the bear) is drinking fucking cranberry juice
    Nigel would be sinking pints and swapping crude jokes
    Vote UKIP
    not U-TWAT !

    Mr Cole were you keeping spare balloons under your shirt or is it all you?

  72. 72
    the braintree ripper says:

    HS2 will allow thousands of vibrant Indians to reach Londonistan and despoil it even more

  73. 73
    jgm2 says:

    I’m becoming less and less tolerant of dogs too to be honest. Or, more accurately, their owners.

    C*unts who think that it’s perfectly acceptable to let their dogs off the leash in a park or country walk and have them jumping up and down on you or running over and back frightening kids and worrying that they’re going to trip you up. I’d fucking well shoot them if it was up to me. And I’d shoot the fucking dogs too.

  74. 74
    jgm2 says:

    Although, in fairness, if they’re winding up the religion of peace then they can’t be all bad.

  75. 75
    stun () says:

    Hard to tell really. My area, Rother District Council, East Sussex, MP Bexhill & Battle, Greg Barker, 50% Conservative vote at last GE. EU results were as follows:

    UKIP 39.1%
    Cons: 31.4%
    Lab: 10.8%
    Greens: 7.6%
    LibDems: 6.2%
    An Independence from Eur: 2.2%
    Others: 2.7%

    Turnout 38.7%.

    Read-across from EU to GE? Who knows.

  76. 76
    the braintree ripper says:

    The Tory turns out to be a lawyer and admits to renovating his house through a company then denies it is a tax dodge

    Vote Conservative (If you are an idiot)

  77. 77
    Tracey says:

    What makes you think women don’t do that too?

  78. 78
    the braintree ripper says:

    As I managed to clog up the soles of my boots yesterday with a nice big dog egg i agree
    Anybody who allows their mutt to crap on the pavement should be forced to lick it up then spend a month fishing tampons and condoms out ofsewers

  79. 79
    Concerned Newark voter says:

    Has Guido Mini-me jumped ship or is he moonlighting? We should be told.

  80. 80
    we all know says:

    Cameron is a traitor.

  81. 81
    Osama the Nazarene2 says:

    So it is imperative we have a referendum before 17 March 2017.

  82. 82
    Mycroft says:

    I too consider your post to be a little too dismissive of the groundswell of pro-UKIP sentiment.

    It might be really close, it is about 50/50 on there being a recount due to the closeness.

    I have my foot on the ground there and the pro-UKIP seems close to 60% UKIP, but many will be persuaded to go back to the Cons as the skewed polls show a bias toward the Cons, which they inevitably will.

    In places you are hard-put to find anyone going for the Cons.

    But these are voices in the street/shops so not in the least ‘scientific’ but it is quite a shock to the system to find so many voicing quite loudly that they will go that way.

    So I think a too close to call draw will be the result, if the official polls show a Con lead, if they show a draw then the Cons will be stuffed.

    All my opinion garnered from walking the walk.

  83. 83
    Bulls**t Baffles Brains says:

    UKIP have to be shouty on QT, or they just get talked over by Dimbleby and the rest of the lefty twerps.

  84. 84
    Dr Beeching says:

    HS2 isn’t for the plebs, fool. It’s the railway equivalent of the Zil lane for the political classes.

  85. 85
    Mycroft says:

    It certainly appears that way.

  86. 86
    Anonymous says:

    Incredible admission on tape.

  87. 87
    Anonymous says:

    If Labour win predictions were scuppered by the shy tory phenomenon 1992
    then one would assume potential UKIP voters are likely to be even more ‘shy’
    given the vilification of UKIP in the media

  88. 88
    Mycroft says:

    The vilification has totally backfired.

    I think the one event that ensured this was the ‘Bigoted Old Woman’ clanger dropped by the Myopic Mumbler at the last election.

    It seems that people have cottoned on to the fact that if a flock of Politicos says one thing in the open then they are lying or hiding the truth, so having them shout ‘Racist!’ at every turn has sent the message that UKIP are probably not any such thing.

    Go anywhere and ask the simple question “If you voted UKIP does that make you a racist?” you’ll get a resounding NO.

    That is especially loud in the less salubrious areas of the constituency.

    UKIP is a viable and strong alternative to voting Labour for many discontented souls.

  89. 89

    Harry to Jenrick ; I see you have set up a company , what does that do ?

    Jenrick : Well , actually it s a small company we set up ( “off the shelf ” — sorry can we edit that ) in order for us to buy a property in the town .

    Harry : Tax efficient then ?

    Jenrick : No no not at all


  90. 90

    AWWW HARRY !!!!

    Don ‘t you like me being poetically licentious with the truth ??!

  91. 91


  92. 92

    Harry s no longer fat !!
    He s well groomed well dressed and he s losing weight !!

    Leave him alone !!

  93. 93

    Goodness I’ m touching a nerve here aren ‘ t I . ??
    And that was me being complimentary !!!

  94. 94
    Twampersand mk II says:

    1215 is one of my favorites.

  95. 95
    RichUpNorth says:

    If I didn’t live 200 miles from Poplar I’d take my dog there just to have a shit … I’d have one too!

  96. 96
    The Bigot Community says:

    Only cůnts vote labour.

  97. 97
    The Bigot Community says:

    It is laudable that kippers want candidates who are actually from the constituency they seek to represent, but they do make their lives difficult by doing so.

    In the long run, building up trust is better than FUD in the current climate.

  98. 98
    I predict a riot says:

    If they really want to take it that far, then civil war may follow. This nation cannot sleepwalk into subjugation.

  99. 99
    I predict a riot says:

    This should be on UKIP’s next poster… The countdown to the end of Britain.

  100. 100
    I predict a riot says:

    Aye, there’s only so much shit you can throw before you create a fire-breathing Shitzilla.

  101. 101
    reclaim the word says:

    Say it loud! I’m råcist, and proud!

  102. 102
    reclaim the flag says:

    That’s actually pretty cool – it’s about time the white burqa came back into fashion.

  103. 103

    My cat would do a better job

  104. 104
    reclaim the flange says:

    I agree with the footballer, UKIP needs some fitter birds for MPs – that’s obvious.

  105. 105
    So, what you're saying is that there's NO home-grown talent in Newark says:

    I do like a biatch fight. Full PR and let this sham come to an end…..

  106. 106
    4uk the Tories says:

    Robert Jenrick IS a carpetbagger. This is the third seat he’s tilted at. As for that rubbish about not being a career politician, he’s been sniffing around the Conservatives since he was 16.

    The smug bastard is so sure of being elected that he’s already bought a £2.5m house ten minute’s walk from the Commons.

    Kick him in the ballots on polling day.

  107. 107
    4uk the Tories says:

    Liked the video. Dom Jolly looks like he’s lost weight.

    Robert Jenrick’s company Vincent Square Properties Ltd IS a tax dodge. He set it up with his builder Lawrence Webb. It’s a way of reducing VAT payable on the home extension that he’s looking to build on his new £2.5m home. Very hypocritical, given the Tories’ self-righteous proclamations on tax evasion.

  108. 108
    Seymour says:

    There should be a law preventing anyone from being an MEP and an MP or assembly(wo)man or councillor or mayor (or any other combination) at the same time.
    If you want to stand as an MP you should have to resign anyother elected position you hold before you stand.
    How can anyone be effective at two full time jobs at once?

  109. 109
    Anonymous says:

    “Obviously Nigel is the biggest face and the biggest asset for the party.”
    Although given the apparent colossal flaw in his reasoning, not really that great an asset. Hi Nige. If rule by the majority is so vital, in regard to the EU. Why isn’t it equally important in respect to HS2 vs. future renewable energy requirements, and a host of other illogical ideological notions being forced on an disenfranchised electorate?

  110. 110
    Odball TV Chef, cooking stuff you'd usualy put on a bonfire or in a pit says:

    Did someone mention French Fries? “illogical ideological notions”, I dare you to say that after ten bottle’s of Organic Red Wine. Keep on buying your cheap Chinese tat. You know that’s where the REAL crux of the pollution comes from, but you just cannot drop your Guardian for just one minute to notice it…

  111. 111

    My Rottweiler just doesn’t like Muslims, he bites them. I have tried to explain to him that they are human beings, just like us but no, he will not have it. He hates the fuckers. Never said so in so many words but I can tell. Could he be charged with racism?

  112. 112

    Leon Russell – It Takes a Lot To Laugh, It Takes a Train To Cry

    Manic, inspired, great. Leon. (Silly bugger forgot the second verse so sang the third twice.)

    Well, I ride on a mailtrain, baby
    Can’t buy a thrill
    Well, I’ve been up all night, baby
    Leanin’ on the window sill
    Well, if I die
    On top of the hill
    And if I don’t make it
    You know my baby will

    Don’t the moon look good, mama
    Shinin’ through the trees?
    Don’t the brakeman look good, mama
    Flagging down the “Double E?”
    Don’t the sun look good
    Goin’ down over the sea?
    Don’t my gal look fine
    When she’s comin’ after me?

    Now the wintertime is coming
    The windows are filled with frost
    I went to tell everybody
    But I could not get across
    Well, I wanna be your lover, baby
    I don’t wanna be your boss
    Don’t say I never warned you
    When your train gets lost

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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