May 30th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Yes, Pwime Minister Edition)

This week we have another two tickets to the Freedom Association’s Magna Carta Day pimms and politics boat trip on June 15. It’s a great event with loads of booze and always attracts a strong line up of guests, so the winner is in for a good day out. Details hereMake them witty…


284 Comments

  1. 1
    Not so out of touch ! says:

    My opposition line up includes Balls………..

    Like

    • 37
      car rux says:

      p rinse now. and? rew is ITbucbuc

      Like

      • 99
        Socialism is theft says:

        Roy, I put the national debt on England winning the World Cup. No pressure.

        Like

        • 159
          Lord Wellard of No Apologies says:

          Look Woy, you have my cast iron guarantee that England will make it to the final this year – even if I have to buy the tickets myself, though maybe you could make the invoice out for “Chimney cleaning, wisteria removal”, there’s a good chap.

          Like

        • 231
          Popsider says:

          I hope he has put the national debt on England winning, as when we don’t Ladbrokes and Paddy Power will own it. Cheers!

          Like

    • 53
      Farage for Dictator says:

      ‘Thank fuck we aren’t on that boat trip with those morons’

      Liked by 1 person

    • 61
      rick says:

      ‘Ere, was that another UKIP smear, or ‘ave you just farted?

      Liked by 1 person

    • 70
      táxpáyér says:

      If I win, give my ticket to Dave, as he’s never fricking heard of he Magna Carta.

      Like

      • 96
        David laws lib dem fiddler says:

        You got to stay in at whatever cost and tell everyone it is in the national interest to have women in the team. This is the World Cup not the Euros.

        Like

    • 110
      The growler says:

      An enthusiastic politico tries to put his views to sceptical football manager

      Like

    • 216
      Anonymous says:

      Roy you have as much chance of winning the World Cup as the British electorate have of me giving them a referendum, none whatsoever.

      Like

    • 219
      Anonymous says:

      Any chance you could nip up to Newark and do a bit of canvasing for us, could get you a Knighthood if we win the seat don’t you know

      Like

  2. 2
    Neo-Guido says:

    Roy unveils his new left-winger.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    That bacon butty must have been a bit off.

    Like

  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    Is that Sam I can smell on your fingers

    Like

  5. 5
    HairyCornflake says:

    Are they both saying: “Truth be told, I haven’t got a chance of winning.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 6
    Itchy Scrote says:

    Sorry about the smell, one too many bacon sandwiches.

    Like

  7. 7
    Dicktator says:

    You must be talking out yer arse again, ‘cos yer breath smells like shit

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 8
    Kipper 2 says:

    FFS. I’ve smelt hypocrisy before, but never this bad!

    Like

  9. 9
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    Expert advice being given freely by “experts”.

    Like

  10. 10
    Welshracer says:

    What you need is a long term economic plan.

    Like

  11. 11
    Esclad says:

    “Wishful thinking doesn’t seem to be working does it Roy”.

    Like

  12. 12
    Frenchman says:

    I hear we are much stronger going forward from the right wing.

    Like

  13. 13
    Mike Wilkinson says:

    Blimey Mister Pwime Minister have you dwopped one?

    Like

  14. 14
    Cynic2 says:

    “Up to now I can only get it this far up Nicks arse but I am working on it”

    Like

  15. 15
    Chris Ward says:

    Have you stood in something Cleggy!

    Like

  16. 16
    TOO FAR says:

    You dirty lying bastard, it’s you that farted, and dont blame Nigel Farage

    Like

  17. 17
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    What do you do, oh, football , I’m sorry, what is that again.

    Like

  18. 18
    Nige says:

    Hmm, you smell it too? I just love the smell of upcoming defeat in the morning

    Like

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    By Golly, Sam and I had a great curry last night, as you can smell.

    Like

  20. 20

    I’ll deal with the centre and right, you sort the left out please..

    Like

  21. 21
    Jim Graham says:

    “Of course, we used to have shared baths after Bullingdon Club events too. You really didn’t want to share one with Osborne”

    Like

  22. 22
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Yes! Excellent. Truly excellent.
    This is just the length I want the East Lawn to be.
    Drop your card to my man and he’ll fix you up with some work..

    Liked by 1 person

  23. 22
    Polonius says:

    I’m so sorry, the humble pie I was forced to eat after the EU elections has given me the most awful flatulence.

    Like

  24. 24
    Cynic2 says:

    “Watching Nick is like hunting without horses and where the sabs are the ones ripping him apart”

    Like

  25. 25
    David Cameron says:

    Any chance you could find a place on the England shirt for the EU flag.

    Like

  26. 26
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    I have to get a photograph taken of me with a foootballer, do you know any.

    Like

  27. 27
    we want Chilcot uncensored says:

    I smell an establishment cover-up.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. 28
    Ed Green says:

    At least they didn’t make me stand next to one of the other two.

    Like

  29. 29
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Damn bad luck that Johnny Wilkinson has retired. Awful shame for you..

    Like

  30. 30
    Roy says:

    How do I fancy England’s chances?With you in charge or Nigel?

    Like

  31. 31
    Irritable Sod says:

    Hodgson channels his inner Miliband…

    Like

  32. 32
    Mr Allan says:

    “Roy, you have my full backing, whatever happens”

    Like

  33. 33
    Ed Moribund says:

    “Of course, the great thing about your team, Roy, is that it’s got no women at all in it. I’m a huge fan of your management style”

    Like

  34. 34
    Welshracer says:

    PM “So how come there are no women players in the team then?”

    Like

  35. 35
    Cynic2 says:

    “Two Viagra and a bottle of Lucozade and I am set up for the weekend”

    Like

  36. 36
    Sniper says:

    Thanks for leaving me the ugly one Joey.

    Like

  37. 38
    tpfkar says:

    If anyone knows about handling right-wingers with over-inflated egos who go missing in action when the going gets tough, it’s you.

    Like

  38. 39
    Persona non grata says:

    If it wasn’t for your armed security detail.

    Like

  39. 40
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’ve just popped over to see if you can spare some of those big machines that you use to paint on the white lines.

    I need them for Chilcot

    Like

  40. 41
    Baron Hogwash says:

    Can we really wiin without Joey Barton in the team?

    Like

  41. 42
    Bishop Brennan says:

    With no John Terry and Ashley Cole, surely you need Joey Barton in the team to ensure the appropriate attitude to girls?

    Like

  42. 43
  43. 44
    grasmit says:

    If you cant be successful have an enormous salary while you are failing.

    Like

  44. 45
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    So you think if I pretend to fall and hold my leg, I will get enough sympathy to win in May 2015.

    Like

  45. 46
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I say .. is that Joey Barton over there? With four ugly UKIP girls ?

    Like

  46. 47
    Mr Allan says:

    Yeah Roy, the merchant of Venice is overrated

    Like

  47. 48
    JR says:

    “Where’s Wayne?”
    “He’s in his room watching My Granny’s An Escort”
    “Eugh”
    “Yeah. Eugh”

    Like

  48. 49
    Mr Allan says:

    We all believe in you, including piers and Joey

    Like

  49. 50
    Baron Hogwash says:

    You know Ray, I have more chance of winning next year than you do this year!

    Like

  50. 51
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    The lost with the loser waiting for Claggy to wish them luck.

    Like

  51. 52
    Winston says:

    Sorry, old boy. I am having terrible trouble digesting these fruitcakes.

    Like

  52. 55
    Butch Dave says:

    Picking an England player must be like walking into Downing Street with a minority government and two real munters to choose from: you just have to pick the least ugly one

    Like

  53. 55
    Roy of the Range Rovers says:

    “Yes, it’s odd isn’t it? You’ve ended up sounding J ewish when you’re not…and I’ve ended up sounding Conservative when I’m not. How’s that happen, eh?”

    Like

  54. 57
    Un keum says:

    “You and I, Roy, are very alike; we’re here but we’ve no idea how or why…”

    Like

  55. 58
    David Cameron says:

    This shared bath business,tell me more.

    Like

  56. 59
    Kevin says:

    Roy: “I can’t see you making it to the last four either.”

    Like

  57. 62
    Harry Krishna says:

    When we played at Eton we had a wall, so where is it?

    Like

  58. 63
    Dastardly says:

    You know Roy, winning a football match is very much like making love to a beautiful woman…

    Like

  59. 64
    Bill Quango MP says:

    So .. Do you think you can win? Despite the great odds against you?

    “Yes..I really do Prime Minister”

    “Ha! That’s what I tell myself too…However unlikely we can still win.”

    Like

  60. 65
    Rickytshirt says:

    DC: I used to be a right winger.
    RH: I always thought you were a wide boy.

    Like

  61. 66
    toxic red lead says:

    Ffs Roy don’t pull that face,you look like Paddy ashdown.

    Like

  62. 67
    Diane Abbott says:

    Like

    • 102
      Diana Abbott says:

      Da secret of me huge ass is not dem expensiv Arley street silicone jabs but B’s and Q’s silicone bartroom sealer squirt into me batty.

      Like

  63. 68
    Wibbler from Wembley says:

    Mistaking Roy Hodgson for Roger Hodgson, Dave told him he has always been a fan of The Logical Song. Roy then told Dave to go “Roger” himself, and Take The Long Way Home.

    Like

  64. 69
    Baron Hogwash says:

    “Is Roony coming?”

    Like

  65. 72
    charles hughes says:

    …as a free market Tory i do not believe in the regulation of Gas!!!.

    Like

  66. 74
    Not a very funny man says:

    My libero is crocked too.

    Like

  67. 76
    Dead Tree Press Read all about it says:

    Fee Fy Fo Fum I smell the Blood of a Scotsman standing here for Political reasons only, I bet he liked Gazzer’s goal in reality as much as the twat that Bankrupted England

    Like

    • 192
      Lord Wellard of No Apologies says:

      Cameron is as English as poofy Morris dancing you ignorant southern nancy boy, as was Bliar. Brown, well, he was elected by being nominated for PM by over 300 Labour quislings, most elected in England, with large Labour majorities in England alone in 1997, 2001 and 2005, but try not to let the truth get in the way of your wilfully prejudiced ignorance!

      Like

  68. 77
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Roy..I wanted you to be the first to know…

    See my tie?

    I’m defecting to UKIP

    Like

  69. 78
    Fred says:

    What do you mean we haven’t got any winning right-wingers?

    Like

  70. 79
    PC 99 says:

    Purple tie? UKIP if you want to Pwime Minister, I say they stink.

    Like

  71. 80
    Joe says:

    “…and so I am worried about the effect that winning the World Cup might have on the Scottish independence campaign.”

    Like

  72. 82
    David Cameron says:

    We’ve run out of bread so are relying on you and the team to provide the circus.

    Like

  73. 83
    Villa fan says:

    Roy, why is the crowd singing ‘you’re shit and you know you are’?

    Like

  74. 84
    MJ says:

    So if we could just fit #longtermeconomicplan on the front of their shirts…

    It’s too long Mr Cameron sir…

    Well if you can fit ‘Oxlade-Chamberlain’ on the back of one of them…

    Like

  75. 85
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Well, I sympathise, old chap, I really do.

    I too know the difficulty of having to pick 11 from a shortlist of 23. And 22 of them are shit.

    Like

  76. 86
    OxtedTory says:

    “Mr Cameron – I’ve received a message from Ken Clarke wishing me well, but he kept telling me I need to drop Sterling…”

    Like

  77. 87
    Dave says:

    “And then I whipped the old cock out and Sally dropped straight down onto her knees.”

    Like

  78. 88
    Un keum says:

    Dead easy, Roy… when you’re up to your neck in shit next month, remember what I always say: “It’s the RIGHT thing to do”

    Like

  79. 89
    Bill Quango MP says:

    prime minister appreciates Roy’s, Miliband’s bacon butty face impression

    Like

  80. 90
    M says:

    We paid a stack of cash this high to bid for the tournament , would you believe it , nothing .

    Like

  81. 91
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    You mean they even printed UKIP on the ball.

    Like

  82. 92
    Blair's Paid Ego Parrot says:

    ‘I’m a Socialist ! I endorse theft and murder ! and I get perturbed when reminded of it. Even by the other face of the same establishment coin.’

    Like

  83. 93
    Anonymous says:

    cfhrdxrtg

    Like

  84. 94
    Socialism is theft says:

    I know we haven’t much of an English team now Roy but in a few years we will have a million Turkish immigrant footballers to choose from. I guarantee it.

    Like

  85. 95
    Corry O'Lanus says:

    “So Roy, how did you deal with getting beaten in the Euros?”

    “Well, I bwamed evwybody else…I pwomised we’d stay in but we got out”

    Like

  86. 97
    Steve Miliband says:

    So if you form a company and sell your ‘image rights’ you can then draw a dividend, paying less tax and no NI

    Like

  87. 98
    suissebob says:

    Hodgson: So that’s the smell of failure.

    Like

  88. 100
    David Cameron says:

    Anyway, enough about me…

    Like

  89. 101
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Roy thought that Dave needed better tactics to deal with the threat from the right wing

    Like

    • 108
      Bill Quango MP says:

      The only advice I can offer… is that constantly saying the Brazilians are just racists won’t help very much at all.

      Like

  90. 103
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Me and Milliband and Clegg.

    3 liars on a shirt..

    Liked by 1 person

  91. 104
    Jim Halpern says:

    PM: How about a free transfer – we get Joey Barton and you can have Vince?

    Like

  92. 105
    Village Idiot says:

    …Eugh!!….A tory!!!!!!!.(cruel,callous,clueless…UKIP for me)

    Like

  93. 106
    'Dave' says:

    They tell me you are able to accommodate the whole Team – do tell me more.

    Like

  94. 107
    Ben says:

    To play on the left-wing would surely require eating a bacon sandwich

    Like

  95. 109
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    So Friday is a dress down day for you.

    Like

  96. 111
    Rickytshirt says:

    When we can’t agree on policy at Cabinet meeting we clear all the furniture and settle things with a game of 5-a-side. I tell you one thing, that Vince Cable plays as dirty on the pitch as does in his political maneuverings.

    Like

  97. 112
    Anonymous says:

    Can anyone else smell bullshit?

    Like

  98. 113
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Roy reassured Dave he would be back home in time to watch the final.

    Like

  99. 114
    Bosun Higgs says:

    “I fancy Brazil to win.”

    Like

  100. 115
    Roy Hodgson says:

    I have to be honest Prime minster the only thing the England team will be bringing back from Brazil is a variety of sexually transmitted diseases.

    Like

  101. 116
    Old Gobbo says:

    If you come across a short-arse claiming to be Ed Balls don’t let him in the Stadium.

    Like

  102. 117
    PointlessPete says:

    Swap ya all my back-benchers for your back four and a couple of comps for the final

    Like

  103. 118
    Tony Blair's cat! says:

    Don’t worry David. Just like Bilderberg we won’t let Balls in either!

    Like

  104. 119
    sweet FA says:

    So, who are the ones that are getting married ?

    Like

  105. 120
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Football is a game for gentlemen, played by oafs; politics is a game for oafs, played by gentlemen.

    Like

  106. 121
    Anonymous says:

    As the Prime Minister droned on , the stench of bullshit became rapidly unbearable.

    Like

  107. 122
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’m sorry Mr Hodgson. But it just wasn’t possible to get Luis Suarez a British passport

    Like

  108. 124
    Diana Abbott says:

    Dis Englandshire football team is it outside the M25?

    Like

    • 259
      The only Country in Europe not to have a Parliament is England says:

      No unfortunately the English People lost that argument when they wanted a stadium in central England near the NEC

      Like

  109. 125
    Damien McBride's Catholic Faith says:

    I’m sorry Roy……I can’t help you with your attacking options as I’ve never been or ever associated myself with anybody’s who up front

    Like

  110. 126
    Dave says:

    I wear slip-one because I can’t tie my own shoe laces.

    Like

  111. 127
    Dave says:

    I wear slip-ons because I can’t tie my own shoe laces.

    Like

  112. 128
    Justin McGuirk says:

    Is Hodgson thinking “Cameron, Cameron I’m sure there in Group A”

    Like

  113. 129
    Rickytshirt says:

    You want an Englishman who can put fear in the hearts of the opposition? I’ve got two words for you: Boris Johnson.

    Like

  114. 130
    Rastus Q. McHunter says:

    “So I says to Clegg, ‘Chuck it in.’ The silly sod thought I meant the ball.”

    Like

  115. 131
    Gazza says:

    “Roy, thank God Scotland didn’t qualify otherwise I’d also have to pretend to be supporting the Jocks – just as I did with Andy Murray”.

    Like

  116. 132
    táxpáyér says:

    My side hasn’t invested enough into defence and it’s withered, our right wing’s empty, we keep chasing a middle everyone’s fighting over ,the teams split in two and some seem to play for the opposition when they think I’m not watching.

    Like

  117. 134
    domino says:

    Sam had a Brazilian, bet you wish you had 11 of them?

    Like

  118. 135
    Roy Wot Won it says:

    Roy: “guess who?”

    Like

  119. 136

    I really don’t want to win this.

    (Not an entry, though it could well be, but a devout wish)

    Like

  120. 137
    Anonymous says:

    Is that a whiff of hypocrisy I am smelling?

    Like

  121. 138
    Helen says:

    I have openned the borders to Brazilians, so with any luck you’ll be soon able to find a decent striker

    Like

  122. 139
    Neighbourly C21st says:

    “Well, seeing as you’ve asked… Smoke’n’mirrors crims foaming-mouthed deceit effing plebs fascist Govenutter swivel-eyed anachronistic lies execrable shyster greasy pole pus-filled Gideon dirty rotters – that’s a strategy, Roy!”

    Like

  123. 140
    Social Services says:

    Cameron : Have you seen my child? About this tall..?

    Liked by 1 person

  124. 141
    Roy says:

    You want Gary Neville as next EU Commissioner….

    Like

  125. 142
    Helen says:

    So tell me, how many of your team like bumsex?

    Like

  126. 143
    Anonymous says:

    “Roy, A great man once said, everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.”

    “Who, Bowis?”

    Like

  127. 145
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Cameron: “If Jagielka plays, you should pull him off at half-time.”

    Like

  128. 146
    Flying Teddy says:

    You don’t just speak cwap, Pwime Minister

    Like

  129. 147
    Keep the Balls out says:

    If you need any tips on scoring, do what I and most of my cabinet do and get in touch with Sally Bercow.

    Like

  130. 148
    Kick it out Nick says:

    ‘Anyone who doesn’t take it up the arse, is homophobic’

    Like

  131. 149
    Flowers that get mown in spring tra la says:

    The Elders in a meeting of two tribes.

    Like

  132. 150
    Sir Toffington says:

    “I can feel another little Cleggy on it’s way, though I thought it was meant to go in not out”

    Like

  133. 151
    Gar Elsby Stoke says:

    Dave: We need to show how good we are and how useless Europe is.
    So smack Italy, smack Germany, smack France, smack Portugal and show Ronaldo and Messi how GREAT BRITAIN is!

    Roy: …but…..but Europe is better than us, Dave!

    Like

  134. 152
    David Cameron says:

    I’d like to be in a funnier caption competition than this, but the fact is, I am really rather dull. A bit like the England team.

    Like

  135. 153
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Anti-EU parties are becoming a problem.

    So Brussels has decided we should move the goalposts.

    Like

  136. 154
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Your squad reminds me of all those newly elected euro MEPs.

    I’ve never heard of any of them.

    Like

  137. 155
    Rip Van Winkel says:

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Like

  138. 156
    Gez says:

    “So the plan for 2018 is we have an EU team, we get an 8% say in team selection, there will be gender and ethnic quotas and the team bus will be run sustainably on the players’ dung.”

    Like

  139. 157

    I’ve got a bunch of second-raters who haven’t a chance of winning anything too.

    Like

  140. 158
    Rickytshirt says:

    You can say what you like about M.P.’s and corruption. They’ve still got a hell of a lot to learn from FIFA.

    Like

  141. 160
    Willer says:

    “We’re coming home…A scribbled tree on your shirt, seventeen years of hurt,
    Everyone seems to know the score
    They’ve seen it all before
    They just know, they’re so sure
    That Cameron’s gonna throw it away”

    Like

  142. 161
    Maimed Codger says:

    On the training ground, UKIP does not stand for Universal Kit In Practice. not English or Swedish.

    Like

  143. 162
    Maimed Codger says:

    From one Looser to another……

    Like

  144. 163
    Maimed Codger says:

    No I don’t watch Star Trek, that Ferangi is in it..

    Like

  145. 164
    SNAKE OIL IS GOOD FOR YOU says:

    Woy Hodgson “I can weally smell political bull shit”

    Like

  146. 165
    fhip says:

    “4-4-2 Roy” It worked wonders for Mike Bassett.

    Like

  147. 166
    Sir Nob Skelpoff says:

    “… The Old Eton Game of Stooley Balls involved smearing ones stooley on the ball, like this…the winner was the senior boy who shagged the most fags..”

    Like

  148. 168
    Tower Hamlets EU Banana Republic says:

    You’r’e right those ‘Scotch Egg’ burps do stink a bit.

    Like

  149. 169
    the braintree ripper says:

    “Bumsex Dave”
    “he who smelt it delt it”

    Like

  150. 170
    keith says:

    I can smell defeat a mile off

    Like

  151. 171
    Maria Miller says:

    Roy,stop me if you’ve heard this one before

    Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?Because he promised not to.

    Like

  152. 172
    FedUp says:

    Time to start a new thread with another issue, as this one’s been on here 90 mins already. There must be a suitable winner by now, for a prize none really want to win.

    Like

  153. 173
    Woy of the wovers says:

    Woy: Phwoar, I can smell faeces.
    Dunce: That would be me… a giant Dyno-Rod cleaning shit from the great sewer known as Her Majesty’s Government.

    Like

  154. 174
    the braintree ripper says:

    BUMSEX DAVE

    “Sam was the least ugly of the four”

    Like

  155. 175
    Will says:

    “We are redrawing the constituency boundaries to include the Rhein-Ruhr, Bavaria and Catalonia. Do we have a chance now?”

    Like

  156. 176
    the braintree ripper says:

    An own goal you say?

    Like

  157. 177
    Corry O'Lanus says:

    “I use Head and Shoulders myself…no need for all this white stuff on your shoulders Roy”

    “Dandwuff you Toff W*nker…it’s the leftovers from Gideon’s stash”

    Like

  158. 178
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Roy,isn’t football the same as polo but without the horses? Yes Prime Minister the nags are back in England.

    Like

  159. 179
    Cynic2 says:

    So does this Rory McIlroy chap play on the right wing or the left?

    Like

  160. 180
    the braintree ripper says:

    Nick heard about farages one man show, he’s tourign the country with his one man show
    The Libdems

    Vince told me its a sell out

    Like

  161. 181
    Anthony says:

    RH thinking -:

    “Christ, the bullshit smells worse the closer you get…”

    Like

  162. 182
    Mycroft says:

    A poll-taker once tried to tell me the truth. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

    Like

  163. 183

    It’s simple, really, Roy: teams from outside Europe you can keep out no problem. Europeans, though, will swarm all over you and there’s sod all you can do about it.

    Like

  164. 184
    The assembled throng says:

    Is there a penalty for not winning this comp?

    Like

  165. 185
    Dave "Didi" Cameron says:

    “Roy give me your best Miliband impression.”

    Like

  166. 186
    Anonymous says:

    Oh, Chwistmas – was that you?

    Like

  167. 187
    Peter Grant says:

    “We have a lot in common Roy, you know. We both did badly at Liverpool and I may soon be left just managing England as well!”

    Like

  168. 188
    Old Dude says:

    Oh, Chwistmas – was that you?

    Like

  169. 189
    David Cameron says:

    I love watching football..i was there when we had Sly Stallone in goal and Pele and Michael Caine upfront.

    Like

  170. 190
    The British media are cunts says:

    So tell me Woy, who are England again?

    Like

  171. 191
    Anonymous says:

    Hi, What did you say your name was ? Yes thats it Woy. Now woy ,if I were you ,which I,m not, this what I,d do.
    Right Woy I,d play 4 – 4 -2 -1 .I know you were thinking of that yourself ! 4 in goal and 1 up front with the rest running around in the middle ,L think thats 6 of them,will make it very hard for them to score ,unless they have Paul Flowers playing for them.( He,s very good at sniffing out chances and if you are coming from behind will certainly gee the other boys up).
    Make sure you have a few lib-dems in there as they can change very quickly and turn from defenders to attackers – especially when it suits them.
    You also need a ukipper in there as well because at half time and things are going wrong he will tell you the truth, whether you like it or not. He will also get the crowd on your side, which is invaluable when your a loser.Also put Oakeshott in midfield as he certainly likes to put the boot in. But dont plck Cable,never, if anything goes wrong he disappears (we found him in CHINA once !!! would you beleive.
    There,s a couple of players , Bills and Millibend or something like that who are great at distribution, especially if its gambling with other peoples money , like card schools etc . during the leisure time. But you have to keep everybody happy even if you dont rate them .
    Up front on his own I,d have Harry Harman . What a player , the best in the business at putting it about . Dont worry about his dodgy haircut he could be the next bickkam, but make sure they play in red as thats his fave colour. He likes abit of diversity but I dont like dance troups myself.
    If it comes to penalty shoot out you must make sure you have Cleggy on he hasnt missed a chance to score in ages.
    You also need a press secretary as things can get quoted out of text so I,d take along Tony Bee and he could just give the gist of everything.
    So Woy take my advice and you could give a good account of yourself – but there again …….

    Like

  172. 193
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Hodgson grimaced as Cameron showed his complete ignorance of twentieth-century Emglish literature.

    Like

  173. 194
    Progressive wanker says:

    I’ve got a weak right wing, poor formation and no attack. So Roy, how are preparations?

    Like

  174. 195
    Peter Grant says:

    “Baroness Thatcher would have been proud of you Roy! She decided not take coal along anymore either!”

    Like

  175. 196
    geekparent says:

    My strategy is being canny with media and exploiting the opposition’s weakness on the left. What’s yours?

    A purple tie

    Like

  176. 197
    Policy Wonk says:

    …so in this bar, there were these four ugly girls, a bacon sarnie, a douche canoe, Vince Cable and in walks Joey Barton…

    Like

    • 211
      Tom Catesby says:

      …And Vince says,”Fuck me Joey, I’ve got to pick one of these bow wows for the
      party leadership”. “What do you think?” “There’s a bacon butty in it for you”

      Like

  177. 198
    Ghost of Alf Ramsey says:

    So we both have a terrible record with Poles.

    Like

  178. 199
    Justin McGuirk says:

    Is Hodgson thinking to himself “You got the wrong sport mate, your needed in Twickenham not Wembley

    Like

  179. 200
    Un keum says:

    “A winning strategy? You’re asking the wrong bloke, Roy – I haven’t got a Danny…”

    Like

  180. 201
    2 p's in a pod says:

    Trying to sort out problems with the left wing, right wing, centre and defence. Hope you have better luck than me.

    Like

  181. 202

    Has that hand been near a LibDem?

    Like

  182. 203
    the braintree ripper says:

    Have you ever smelled a member of the working class ?

    Like

  183. 204
    Justin McGuirk says:

    Has Cameron just said “In my experience the most pleasing of shots is an OAKESHOTT.”

    Like

  184. 205
    Roy says says:

    Bloody hell Dave, what a reek! I know we’re both facing defeat in a couple of weeks, but you weally need to exercise some self contwol !

    Like

  185. 206
    Django says:

    England manager caught removing football from anus while prime minister isn’t looking!

    Like

  186. 207
    Tom Catesby says:

    Roy says…’Fucking hell, what’s that stench?’

    Like

  187. 208
    PaulJB says:

    Now what we need, Mr Hoskins, for your team to win at Association Football is a steady diet of bacon rolls. Anyone who rejects this is too weird to play for England.

    Like

  188. 209
    Grimbling says:

    Yes, I know what it’s like having to deal with overpaid, underperforming divas on my team..

    Like

  189. 210
    al o says:

    It’s not all about you any more now pass the bloody thing Cleggy!

    Like

  190. 212
    Anonymous says:

    Don’t worry I don’t think I’m going to win either.

    Like

  191. 213
    The Anglo Saxon says:

    Roy thinking:-

    You smug twat, I’ve got a better chance of winning the World Cup than you have of winning the next election.

    Like

  192. 214
    Dirty Tackle says:

    I have this fantastic right winger for number 10
    .

    Like

  193. 215
    Roys_Wretches says:

    Roy, I’ve got a mini-bus full of foreigners I want to be integrated into the team.

    Like

  194. 217

    So tell me, how did you manage to keep Liverpool out of Europe?

    Like

  195. 218
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Yes Boris has played away a few times now.

    Like

  196. 220
    anonymouse says:

    Couldn’t you get some Poles and Romanians in the team and get those useless English back on the dole?

    Like

  197. 221
    Chilled_Sox says:

    I’d like to tell you precisely what Blair said to Bush, but then I’d have to kill you!

    Like

  198. 222
    Morgan's Organ says:

    Don’t worry about losing a match as I am confident of being able to renegotiate the score!

    Like

  199. 223
    Wotdifference says:

    Dave tells a reluctant Roy, “Don’t forget, it’s Foreign Office policy, we always have to let Johnny Foreigner win”

    Like

  200. 224
    Chris The Leatherman says:

    We will smooth our way thwough the World Cup Pwime Minister just like you have smoothed your way thwough life.

    Like

  201. 225
    michael says:

    Roy…hello…we’re playing UKIP! – I specifically asked for Asda’s KKK strip…
    We-must-fight-them-on-the-pitches!

    Like

  202. 226
    Chris The Leatherman says:

    I am all for the EU Pwime Minister.In the World Cup we will do it the Gweek way and come from behind.

    Like

  203. 227
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Roy “Pwime Minister – DON’T YOU TELL ME HOW TO KICK THE BALLl; didn’t you score an own goal with all your political mates with all that smearing and racism stuff last week?”

    Like

  204. 228
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Look, if it goes to penalties we both know that you have to hit the ball over the bar.

    Like

  205. 229
    Gary Elsby Stoke says:

    Roy: What do Conservatives believe is the best tactics to use in this campaign?

    Dave: We suggest spitting a dummy out and threaten to walk out if we can’t win.

    Like

  206. 230
    Mozerella 1 Turnips 0 says:

    Let’s look on bright side? After all I’m better than Gordon Brown and you’re better than Graham Taylor”.

    Like

  207. 232

    So, Prime Minister, now you have dropped one – will that shit Cable be the next one out?

    Like

  208. 233
    Anonymous says:

    “The whole country is behind you Roy ….and not like with Nick where they are all carrying torches and shouting “Kill the bastard””

    Like

  209. 234
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    I suggested a Brazilian to Sam but she said you had more chance of one that I did

    Like

  210. 236
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    OK heres the deal. Theresa May and three hours in a darkened room with Clegg and a baseball bat for two Brazilian au pairs

    Like

  211. 237
    Common Man says:

    Have you dropped one David, or is that the rank smell of hypocrisy ?

    Like

  212. 238
    still walking into darkness says:

    Some of your players don’t look very European roy

    Like

  213. 239
    PitPony says:

    And with Jagielka instead of Terry, you’re getting a first rate center half but at half the daily cost

    Like

  214. 240
    bergen says:

    “Now I need you to lose to cheer up the Scots before the referendum.”

    “If we lose they’ll be so pissed for months, they won’t be able to vote anyway. Who do you think I am ? Ally Macleod ?”

    Like

  215. 243
    Joseph Fry says:

    So Mr Hodgson I presume you will be watching the final in the pub with the rest of us then??

    Like

  216. 245
    Un keum says:

    SOZ. LOL.

    Like

  217. 246
    Dave says:

    Actually, we used Champers for goal posts when I was at school.

    Like

  218. 246
    Dave says:

    Actually, we used Champers for goal posts when I was at school.

    Like

  219. 248
    Send him off says:

    Oi! Refereeeeee….eeeeendum!

    Like

  220. 250
    geordieboy says:

    Don’t bother with the case of suntan lotion you won’t be in Rio long enough.

    Like

  221. 251
    @Hefted says:

    If Cleggers wasn’t so spineless he would be this tall, then maybe you could use him on the wing or something.

    Like

  222. 252
    Stingray fan says:

    Could you just check your shoes Dave?

    Like

  223. 253

    Cwikey Dave you don t ‘ alf pong today .

    Have you overdone it with the ” Magical Merkel ” After Shave ??

    Like

  224. 255
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Its been 12 tournament since England last won a world cup.

    But think ,Roy..

    in just 4 weeks time…. it will be 13 tournaments.

    Like

  225. 256
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’ll tell you something about Brazil Roy…. Every time I look across the opposition benches at Yvette Cooper I immediately think about Ladyboys

    Like

  226. 257
    Mercian says:

    Have you just farted dave?

    Like

  227. 260
    woohoo02 says:

    Have you washed after putting your arm up Merkel`s Twat, you dirty bar-steward

    Like

  228. 261
    Rightallalong says:

    I can remember going with Tony Blair to watch Jackie Milburn.

    Like

  229. 262
    Cromwells Ghost says:

    Roy, who have you picked to fight UKIP in Newark by election ,Dave ?

    Like

  230. 263
    Robbie says:

    Both: “You’ve no chance of winning.”

    Like

  231. 264
    t dog says:

    I fondly remember playing football from my time at Eton. How many Chukkas do you play, 4 or 5? And where are the ponies?

    Like

  232. 265
    The only Country in Europe not to have a Parliament is England says:

    What is your green credentials playing in the rain forest and that Roy?
    we’re on top of that PM, tonight we are lighting Gerrads birthday cake early to save the use of the lights

    Like

  233. 266
    Anonymous says:

    Roy, here’s one Nick told me.

    “Knock knock”

    “Who’s there?”

    “Vince”

    “Vince who…”

    Like

  234. 267
    Layber Edjukated says:

    RH: No no David I’m sure you’re a team player but I’ve already got plenty of people who can score own goals…..

    Like

  235. 268
    5-0 to Germany says:

    What a coincidence……I will be in Rio on an official visit on the same day as the final.

    Like

  236. 269
    Anonymous says:

    “Friday Caption Contest (Yes, Pwime Minister Edition)”
    Fwankly, to use the vernacular. I see it as a game of two halves. Them and us.

    Like

  237. 270
    John Tandy says:

    Farage? Play him left back (in the changing rooms)

    Like

  238. 271

    “Can you smell something?”
    “I think it’s Cable…maybe Clegg…”

    Like

  239. 272
    Anonymous says:

    Hmm another politician past his sell by date.

    Like

  240. 273
    daveyone1 says:

    Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum. and commented:
    Phew that mouthwash just ain’t making it …England 3 Peru 0

    Like

  241. 275
    Kemal says:

    Hey buoy! Is is true that you hold meetings with the lads in the dressing room ?

    Like

  242. 278
    Not a supine investigative journalist says:

    Cameron: I do hope you won’t try to beat the foreigners, that would be terribly xenophobic.

    By the way, do you support my intention to bomb Syria?

    Like

  243. 281
    Cameron says:

    Frankly Roy, I hate England and I hope they are beaten, raped and sold into slavery.

    Like

  244. 282
    kebab time says:

    “look Roy I am the perfect left winger, I can ruin the countries chances just as well as Stewart downing ”

    “hey woy, if u mess this up Guido fawkes is looking for a blog moderater”

    “prime minister, despite the amount of mps downing is still the best left winger I can pick “

    Like

  245. 283
    Captain Haddock says:

    “Did you have the ‘kippers on toast, Prime Minister?”
    “Sadly not.”

    Like

  246. 284
    Anonymous says:

    Thought you said your shit didn’t stink Mr Camewon.

    Like


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Knifed former civil service chief Bob Kerslake on his recent troubles:

“Many thks for kind wishes following back opn. Incision measured 16cm. A pretty big knife in the back! Photos on request.”



TJ says:

And i’ve noticed that 100% of Guido Fawkes staff are men. Looks like Guido has a woman problem. Or is it an hypocrisy problem?


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