May 29th, 2014

How Tories Stop Slacker MPs From Giving Whips the Slip

Up at the Tory base in Newark, James Landale bring us picture evidence of the roll of honour for campaigning MPs. As Guido revealed in the Sun at the weekend, MPs groaned when told by Deputy Chief Whip Greg Hands that they would have to sign in to prove they had actually turned up to pound the pavements. Crafty slackers slipping off home immediately after signing their names on the whiteboard were then told they would be required to sign in both in the morning and the afternoon. Now they have to jot down their exact arrival and departure times for all to see. Three visits is the minimum expected of them, as you can see by Chris Skidmore’s keenness to show his commitment in the picture above. Hands is emailing out lists of MPs in order of appearances to name and shame the skivers…


  1. 1
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Where is the graffiti which reads Fuck off One Term Dave?

  2. 2
  3. 3
    Worker Drone says:

    To be fair to them, they must be fed up of hearing “UKIP” by now. Why would they want to have a front door opened and “UKIP” said to their faces ?

  4. 4
    Roger Helmer says:

    Michael Wheatley – known as the ‘Skull Cracker’ – has pleaded guilty to charges of robbery, possession of a firearm or imitation firearm and being unlawfully at large.

  5. 5
    This week's offer says:

    Will they also add the date they last visited and their promised date of their next visit

  6. 6
    Not Gordon Brown says:

    Surely such a system as this is desperately required in the HoP ????

    No show = No pay

  7. 7
    Diana Abbott says:

    Will I be needin me passport to get into Newarkshire and do dem have KFC?

  8. 8
    Son of Leon says:

    Public outcry will remain limited as long as former Tory cabinet minister remains former Tory cabinet minister.

  9. 9
    Anonymong says:

    Shapps’ inspiring leadership on display again.

    How long until the first defection to UKIP?

  10. 10
    still walking into darkness says:

    what’s Dave renegotiating in Brussels exactly?

  11. 11
    A judge from a planet far far away says:

    He will be sentenced to 5 weeks soft labour in the nearest open prison.

  12. 12
    táxpáyér says:

    His payoff. 30 pieces of silver isn’t enough.

  13. 13
    Amateur graphologist says:

    What does green ink signify?

  14. 14
    Winston says:

    I presume Guido is based in the Tory campaign office.

  15. 15
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Vote UKIP!

  16. 16
    EU politics at work says:

    It has been reported that he’s tempting far right parties to join his gang so as to isolate UKIP

  17. 17
    Tom Catesby says:

    Sounds like a good idea, best applied at Westminster.

  18. 18
    still walking into darkness says:

    not likely according to them, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

    Odds on Farage being PM coming down fast.

  19. 19
    Grease Mugg says:

    One finds the prospect truly attractive.

  20. 20
    A flower that blooms tra la la says:

    Considering Camorons Conservative have a 20,000 vote start and they are up against a gang of racists who are also a load of fruit and nut cases, plus a Libcrap party that’s badly damaged and Liebour well everybody has their own idea’s on them, they should be able to romp home to victory and why would they need so much fire power, some-things wrong then, have they bought all of John Lewis underkecks and are a tiny bit worried.

  21. 21
    Body Double says:

    Who is “Chris Skidmore #3″ ?

  22. 22
    A message to all Tory Fan Boys says:

    As an example of the consequences of having a leader who says one thing and does another and a party who does the same one look no further than what has happened to the LibDems.
    Disgusted supporters leaving in droves.
    That will be the Conservative party within this decade.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    If I was a tory MP who didn’t want to go to Newark. If the whip threatened me I’d just threaten to defect to UKIP.
    Should shut them up

  24. 24
    Vote Ukip get Ukip says:

    Just wondering when Britain will have its first stoning to death honour killing.

  25. 25
    A flower that blooms tra la la says:

    A job as a Commissar.

  26. 26
    Body Double says:
  27. 27
    Marine Marianne says:

    Hello Dave — you look like a nice boy. Wanna do some business? How about a 100 euro quickie?

  28. 28
    Path_Ethics says:

    I thought that Useless Eustice had gone with the way of Rupert the Bear.

  29. 29
    Kate's derriere says:

    All Hands on the deck of the Titanic

    What a bad farce…

  30. 30
    Iain Duncan Smith says:

    The number of people seeking help with Council Tax arrears has ‘rocketed’ according to Citizens Advice.
    Council Tax debt now biggest problem for households
    The number of people in Council Tax debt has ‘rocketed’ according to new figures from Citizens Advice.
    Between January and March 2014, the charity helped 27,000 people in Council Tax arrears, up 17% compared to the same period last year.
    Previously credit card and unsecured personal loans were the most common types of debt the charity was approached about. But now its figures show Council Tax arrears has become the number one problem for households.
    What’s behind the rise?
    Citizens Advice said the number of people struggling with their Council Tax bill had gone “through the roof” after benefit changes were introduced last year.
    In April 2013 as part of the Government’s raft of welfare reforms Council Tax Benefit was abolished and replaced with localised Council Tax Support.
    So now instead of Whitehall making the decisions, local authorities have to set up and run their own Council Tax Support schemes and have a reduced budget with which to do it.
    Citizens Advice says the changes mean the level of support offered to people now varied from one council to the next.

    Hear ! Hear !

  31. 31
    Valeria Victrix says:

    Has useless spiv Shapps not heard of people signing in for each other?

    Any MP worth his, her or its salt should tell him to bloody well fill in his own sodding chart.

  32. 32
    Dan Hodges says:

    C’mon it’s not like he committed a real crime like spouting racist comments on a bus for example.

  33. 33
    Conman spotter says:

    He is there to negotiate his future bungs, of course

    To keep him in gin to amuse his criminal friends in Chipping Norton

  34. 34
    The flower died of neglect tra la la says:

    So he’s not bothered about being with a racist organisation then, oh the enjoyment that will come when he shows that piece of A4 paper as he walks down the steps of the airplane, he has the media, us crap have the internet.

  35. 35
    non taxable pikey says:

    You may get in but in all probability you will never ever get out.

  36. 36
    Valeria Victrix says:

    Madness usually

  37. 37
    The flower died of neglect tra la la says:

    They can’t do that , they are honourable people,

  38. 38
    Ex Tory voter says:

    Grant Craps

    A dishonest pimp

    A disgrace to the Tory Party

  39. 39
    non taxable pikey says:

  40. 40
    Conners Whips Office says:

    Careful now. You won’t become the Junior Minister for Morris Dancing in the Dept. for Culture, Sport, Meeja and General Money Wasting if you don’t follow our advice.

  41. 41
    Ex Tory voter says:

    Oh dear…

  42. 42
    non taxable pikey says:

    This could be CM Dave’s Tena Lady moment.

  43. 43
    Loudmouth bitch gets tasered says:

  44. 44
    táxpáyér says:

    Just green signifies madness.

  45. 45
    Anonymous says:


  46. 46
    Valeria Victrix says:

    Being threatened by Couldn’tfindhisarsewithboth Hands. Imagine the terror.

  47. 47
    Press Gazette says:

    Where are Rebecca and Andy?

    And Wendi?!

  48. 48
    LibLabConners says:

    It would be perfectly acceptable. Our effnic multicultural immigrant colleagues are fully entitled to follow their normal religious and traditional cultural practices.

  49. 49
    Nigel Farage says:

    Negro… please.

  50. 50
    táxpáyér says:

    Titled “Vote-Cattle of the “welfare” plantation”?

  51. 51
    Britain needs Progress says:

    Better still, couldn’t they just all be tagged?

  52. 52
    Common sense says:

    The government saw people had enough money to buy fags/booze/sky telly/lottery scratch cards and play online bingo and thought.
    fuck it we’ll claw some back by cutting council tax benefit from 100% to 75% the money these people waste on shite can help pay for the services which they are the one’s mostly likely to be in demand of.

  53. 53
    Just askin says:

    Is he related to Huhne then?

  54. 54
    Oy Vey ! says:

    Muslim groups want a boycott in Malaysia of Cadbury products after two chocolate varieties broke Islamic rules by containing pork DNA.

    On Monday Cadbury Malaysia recalled Dairy Milk bars after authorities found the pork traces during a random test.

    A Muslim retail group said the 800 stores it represents would be asked not to sell Cadbury and Kraft products.

    Cadbury said it is working with the Islamic Affairs Department to ensure products comply with halal guidelines.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Shouldn’t these MPs be back home sorting out their constituents’ problems and asking them what they want from their party?

  56. 56
    David Axelgrease, illegal immigrant says:

    Especially those Tory MPs in marginals

    Resign the Tory whip and stand as

    The Real UKIP Conservative Party…

  57. 57
    Questions of our time says:

  58. 58
    Caroline Lookass says:

    The Green Party is certainly a form of madness.

  59. 59
    Common sense says:

    It probably already has it’s just hard to tell as the bodies are often dismembered and either end up in bla*k sacks or your curry.

  60. 60
    Just askin says:

    Thats what we need a Tory PM with his finger on the pulse hahahahahaha

  61. 61
    Nermal says:

    ‘I don’t read much British news': Miliband rejects out of touch claims but admits he’s more interested in US politics and baseball than what is happening in UK.

    And the goes on to say

    He takes a break from politics by watching American baseball – and his team, the Boston Red Sox – on his iPad. He is also currently reading the left wing French economist Thomas Piketty.

    Now tell me that he is not a grade A wanker.

  62. 62
    Whatever you do, just don't turn your back on them says:

  63. 63
    Hansard writer says:

    He has changed his name

    He used to be called Skidmark…

  64. 64
    Winston says:

    When did Guido last produce a revelation? All we get is cr@p like this, since he jumped into bed with Cameron and Murdoch. I’m going to cancel my subscription.

  65. 65
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Oh bolloxs!

    I asked Steve Barclay to sign in for me.
    He’s forgotten!

  66. 66
    Blagging it on a road to nowhere says:

  67. 67
    Winston says:

    When he was a Tory. His raises an interesting point. What’s your view, other than propagating smears from the LibLabCon stop-UKIP team?

  68. 68
    Bill Quango MP says:

    What do you think he means?

  69. 69
    Observer says:

    He should desert ship like his brother Banana Dave

    This family is not British

  70. 70
    Tory Campaign Office via Order-order says:

  71. 71
    CCHQ calling in the big boys says:

  72. 72
    BBC ahead of Fawkes says:

    Chilcot Inquiry says agreement is reached to disclose discussions between Tony Blair and George Bush over Iraq

  73. 73
    Nermal says:

    He really makes Clegg look good.

  74. 74
    Floating voter says:

    No matter how crap your day is remember it could be worse, you could be the Lib Dem candidate in next week’s Newark by election.

  75. 75
    Real Common Sense says:

    That’s common sense? Surely it’s better to say: you’re able bodied, so you can work for a living, and if you can’t find work yourself we’ll find useful work for you…possibly in the Outer Hebrides.

  76. 76
    Socialism is theft says:

    Green hands.

  77. 77
    ʍȫʊʂʂȁ ҞϴџṦṦậ says:

    I’d fling every Tory C-unt into the sea.

  78. 78
    JH3904023923-093-4 says:

    I feel enriched just watching that.

  79. 79
    Nermal says:

    Hague to go to Newark, that’s the Tories phucked.

  80. 80
    William Hill says:

    The holy month of ramadan 2/1

  81. 81
    David Cameron says:

    Right I’m going for a wee now. Who will do the honours?

  82. 82
    EU politics at work says:

    I don’t remember anyone called Chilcot

  83. 83
    ʍȫʊʂʂȁ ҞϴџṦṦậ says:

    They are wasting their time trying to get badgers to vote Tory.
    Badgers have long memories, you know.

  84. 84
    Ed Moribund says:

    You see… I told you that wouldn’t work Axel..I bloomin’ well said It wouldn’t.

    OKAY..Okay..So I altered your lines a little. I put in the reading a left wing French economist instead of ‘watching Fargo.”
    But it was the baseball bit that made me look the most tosserish.

    I said that we don’t have the world series in this country! Trying to make me a Red ‘Ed’ Sox mascot isn’t going to mean anything.

    In this country people are mostly fanatical about bowls

  85. 85
    Real Common Sense says:

    So Shapps doesn’t trust Tory MPs? Then why should we?

    As for sending in Cabinet Ministers, if they send in Osborne it will be in the bag for UKIP.

  86. 86
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Perhaps if the Labour run councils didn’t charge such high rates to keep all their disabled, lesbian, yoghurt weaving outreach officers in jobs this problem wouldn’t exist?


  87. 87
    ʍȫʊʂʂȁ ҞϴџṦṦậ says:

    He’s courting the gay vote.

  88. 88
    iPad buyer for the elite says:

    Are sure it’s his iPad, not one we’ve paid for?

  89. 89
    Gary Elsby Stoke says:

    Question Time, Thursday, 10:30 PM every week from now on.

  90. 90
    David Cameron says:

    I read The Topper!!

  91. 91
    Mazeltov says:

    Sir Jeremy Heywood, Cabinet Sec, & Sir John Chilcot, Iraq Inquiry chairman, have reached agreement on documents

  92. 92
    Bunny Carruthers says:

    He’s got a late night meeting with Seb scheduled, something to do with seb’s new jolly at the BBC…. Could be a late night, wink wink..

  93. 93
    Anonymous says:

    It’s wonderful that the Tories have a strategy for their own party interests.

    It’s a pity they don’t seem to have one for ensuring the UK’s interests in Europe are at the forefront.

    Vote Ukip in Newark. Put England’s interests first. Vote Ukip.

  94. 94
    Socialism is theft says:

    Three year old tweets. How desperate can you get? And why was it not such a big deal then, when he was a Tory?

  95. 95
    The Conservatives says:

    We are going to look soooooo fucking silly when we come 2nd.

  96. 96
    Mark Oaten (LibDem) says:

    Got his mobile number ?

  97. 97
    Ed Moribund says:

    Gary Elsby and Concrete pump.

    Someone is trying to stir Moussa’s alter ego into life.

  98. 98
    Vince Incableable says:

    What war? When was this?

  99. 99
    Anonymous says:

    Dave wants Angela to know that he won’t let her down. As well as all the other arch federalists in Europe who care so much about Britain’s interests and of whom we have never heard of.

    They really are in trouble when they have to go to such lengths to conserve their 16,000 majority. These politicians don’t like it up em. They will have to do this in every constituency at the next election if liberal Dave is to get reelected.perhaps he should stand as leader of the lib dems when clegg is fired.

  100. 100
    David Watts - lib dem for newark says:

    my name is more famous than I’ll ever be.

  101. 101
    To misquote Ralf Richardson (Battle of Britain) says:

    “Experience shows that Herr Cameron’s guarantees guarantee nothing.”

  102. 102
    David Cummerbund says:

    A vote for UKIP is a vote for that dodgy car salesman from Only Fools and Horses.

  103. 103
    Gogshiite says:

    Who’s paying for the hotel?

  104. 104
    Morgan's Organ says:

    Two signatures and they get an Andrex puppy toy.

  105. 105
    Returning Ossifer says:

    Hope you are also warning voters of the dirty folding voting slip tricks we witnessed last week. And also to check the party they wish to vote for is the right one.

  106. 106
    Farage for PM 2015 says:

    The Tories are shitting themselves. All this farce just to hold a 16,000 majority! They really are on the ropes. I’d be voting UKIP just to utterly discredit them if I lived in the area. Shameful performance by Cameron et al — all this public force-de-majeur makes you look weaker rather than stronger!

  107. 107
    Gobshiite says:

    “gists and quotes” = whitewash

  108. 108
    Returning Ossifer says:

    … send in the clowns; don’t worry they’re here…

  109. 109
    The Great British Public says:

    “Turnout was only 36.15 percent as many Bulgarians stayed away, disillusioned with widening poverty and corruption.”

    We know the feeling brother.

  110. 110
    The Great British Public says:

    The Tories are so unbearably PC now, I’m suprised they haven’t been asked their sexuality ?

  111. 111
    The Great British Public says:

    All that effort proves the Tories are shitting themselves about the UKIP vote.

  112. 112
    Lib Dems and Labour Huhne et all says:

    Quite a lot of us are…

  113. 113
    Common Man says:

    Maybe Hague will share a room with Conor ?

    You know, to save money… ;)

  114. 114
    Common Man says:

    A vote for Conservatives is a vote for traitors like Philby and McLean …

  115. 115
    Common Man says:

    The traitors, sorry I mean Tories won’t be able to do this in every seat in 2015 will they…

  116. 116
    inside out says:

    Where will it be,Tower Hamlets,Bradford,Blackburn or Huddersfield? its their culture innit.

  117. 117
    inside out says:

    YOU are!

  118. 118
    Bill Poster says:

    Andrew Murrison departs 2015? He’s not too confident about the next election then.

  119. 119
    Not in my name says:

    Flogging will continue until morale improves.

  120. 120
    Mycroft says:

    Didn’t we do that to Clegg last Thursday???

    It was honourable to vote UKIP and we killed the dipsticks political prospects…

    In the parlance of the rozzers of the East End, we “…did his legs”

  121. 121

    Cripes Guido you ve hit a winner with this post .

    Logged at 1.53 pm and only one post before mine ( and i ve just awoken from my post prandial siesta )

  122. 122

    Sorry ……. i was only the second one till I posted then the screen heavens opened !!

  123. 123

    Boyko Borisov ?
    Sounds like a mnemonic for Boris Johnson . Even looks a bit like him too absent the Blondie mop .

    Are they perchance related from the Ottoman line of descent ?

  124. 124

    …. or perchance …” as many Bulgarians stayed away from the motherland unfortunately prevented from voting due to prior commitments claiming bennies in UK and Germany ” ….

  125. 125

    What , was he not able to determine whether he was packing a real or an imitation one ??!!

  126. 126

    … or indeed microchipped with an algorhythm advising them the date /time their monthly emoluments transfer has hit their bank account so they could start bashing the plastic again without needing to check their statement on line ?

    Technology is a wonderful thing .

  127. 127

    Paddy offering 80 to 1 on Nigel as next PM ?

    I think I ll have a one pound punt right now .

  128. 128

    Who are these then

    Dave s Daahhlings
    Or Cameron s Crumpet

  129. 129
    Anon & still Voting for UKIP ORG says:

    Plus all the other expenses & no doubt the fortified liquid
    refreshments bar bill as well…….everything is vintage of
    course as you know who is picking the tab up !!!
    but keep quiet about that !!!

  130. 130
    Anon & still Voting for UKIP ORG says:

    Hope he has stocked up with Vasilene
    as it has many pleasurable uses !!!

  131. 131
    Anon Voting for UKIP ORG says:

    + 18.369 M

  132. 132
    Anon Voting for UKIP ORG says:

    or really fcuking silly by coming 3rd !!!

    Please Note: Pickfords are on standby

    for sudden unplanned house moves in SW1 !!!!!

  133. 133
    Magnabill says:

    I suppose vote winning twat, Andrew Mitchell features on the list?

  134. 134
    10 north says:

    Tempting to do a Situationist-type event to highlight the weakness of a system which depends upon lost values of honour and trust.

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