May 27th, 2014

10 Things Ed Shouldn’t Do on His Trip to Thurrock

Ed Miliband is giving a speech in Thurrock this morning, the crucial number 2 target seat for Labour where the party have just lost overall control of the council after taking a battering from UKIP. What could possibly go wrong? Here is Guido’s memo to Ed:

  1. Do not, under any circumstances, engage in any public food consumption.
  2. Do not talk to real people – they may misfire on live TV. Remember Mrs Duffy.
  3. Do not bring Chuka Umunna with you. He is too cool and makes you look even nerdier when you stand beside him.
  4. Do not forget the name of the Thurrock Labour leader. He is John Kent. Maybe write it on your hand.
  5. Don’t console or get pictured with Clare Baldwin, the Labour Party councillor for Tilbury Riverside and Thurrock Park, she is under investigation for housing benefit fraud relating to properties in Tilbury and Loughton.
  6. Do not mention the fact that Labour’s Thurrock candidate Polly Billington used to be a BBC reporter for the Today programme and is your former taxpayer-funded special adviser, nor that she is a carpet-bagger parachuted in from South West London.
  7. Do not repeat what you said when Labour took control of Thurrock in 2012, that the result showed Labour was “winning back people’s trust and regaining ground”. That didn’t work out so well.
  8. Do not forget to congratulate Tim Aker on becoming an MEP. He is UKIP’s parliamentary candidate in Thurrock.
  9. Do not mention the fact that in 1996 under Tony Blair Labour swept to power in Peterborough, Swindon and Trafford councils, also holding Gloucester, Tamworth and Worcester. You failed to take any of these from the Tories.
  10. Do not forget to duck.

If you avoid all of these, you should be fine…


  1. 1
    Plebs says:

    Meanwhile YOUR police force

  2. 2
    number nine says:

    don’t buy a first class rail ticket

  3. 3
    Free Advice says:


    “Try not to be weird”

  4. 4

    Better, when this little Ed stays at home, innit?

  5. 5
    Bacon is good for me says:

  6. 6
    James O'Bottom says:

    Can they make sure he never leaves.

  7. 7
    David Miliband says:

    always good for the “Dork about town” to have a handy guide on what not to do.
    I guess don’t be weird is asking a bit much.

  8. 8
    Botus says:

    Can someone dress up as a piece of bacon and chase him round Thurrock like that pork chop did to Nicola Murray in the Thick of It?

  9. 9
    He's sorry, he's sorry, he's so so sorry says:

  10. 10
    Fishy says:

    or if you do, make sure that your aides remove the ‘FIRST CLASS’ antimacassars from ALL of the seats in shot.

    (Something that the BBC’s Krusty Wark also failed to do on Newsnight recently)

  11. 11
    A Hackney resident says:

    If you are going to Thurrock remember this: get the fuck out.

  12. 12
    Roger Helmer says:

    Tony Blair’s suggestion for dealing with UKIP is, inevitably, to intervene and bomb them.

  13. 13
    an angry taxpaying pleb says:

    Why has no one resigned yet?

  14. 14
    Nick Clegg says:

    I’m sorry.

  15. 15
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    I would suggest “don’t be a patronising, millionaire son of a Marxist tw@” would be good advice to Ed. Sadly it would be too late though.

  16. 16
    Joe Public who will continue to Vote for UKIP ORG at May 2015 GE says:

    Really Mr Forkes that is a total of NINE to many things for Dippy Red Ed
    to remember let alone act on if required…….

    The main point Dippy Red Ed must keep in his ‘mind’ (doubtful he has
    anything in his very large vacuas cranial cavity) is “Do not forget to Duck”
    although this may be too much strain on his abilities, if any…….

  17. 17
    Neil "Brown Envelope" Hamilton says:


  18. 18
    Bleubottle says:

    Have you an aircraft carrier though?

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    Bacon is called “special beef” in Golders Green and Edgware

  20. 20
    @Us_politics_guy says:

    Remember David, it’s the economy stupid! #flatlining #doubledip #recession #costofliving #bankersbonus #toffs #outoftouch #energyfreeze. (wire me $20k)

  21. 21
    Eccles says:

    HMS Airfrix.

  22. 22
    Anonymous says:

    Scrap the previous 10 after reading and 11 Don’t go to Thurrock…it will only push up Aker’s vote.

  23. 23
    Bog Paper says:

    Gives me the runs………………………………..

  24. 24
    Liebour says:

    Freedom of Inforamtion request to Liebour Thurrock Council

    The Gazette was first made aware of an investigation in November and lodged a Freedom of Information request asking if the council “had investigated or prosecuted any councillors or senior council staff in the past year”.

    Liebour Thurrock Council reply

    But the council responded “the council has not prosecuted or completed any investigations against councillors or senior council staff in the last year”.

    Liebour answered a different question to the one asked.

    Vote Liebour for all the lies you’ll ever need.

  25. 25
    Fife Fuckup says:

    I agree with Nick.

  26. 26
    So say all of us says:

    Do not breathe

  27. 27
    Herbie the Hamster says:

    We have a Doncaster Bomber.

  28. 28
    Sadiq Khan 4 Mayor says:

    He probably can’t even pronounce Thurrock. “Sthurrack”

  29. 29
    Get rid of the vermin says:

    When we eventually get a Tory-UKIP coalition, I hope one of the first orders of business will be to deport Owen Jones, Laurie Penny, Polly Toynbee, Mark Steel, Yasmin Alibahi Brown and all the other leftie fuckwits to some muslim shithole so they can experience first hand the joys of living under sharia law.

  30. 30
    Anonymous says:

    Send for Banana Man.

  31. 31
    Anonymous says:

    Also don’t mention careerist politicians because Tim Aker is one of them and it might remind people what they think of such professional politicians and the response would not be a pretty sight in Thurrock.

  32. 32

    Can they keep him?

  33. 33
    Has Rolf lost the plot? says:

    Latest update from the trial:

    Harris moves on to talk about how he began to play the didgeridoo, and demonstrates how he would blow into the instrument. He then sings a verse from Jake the Peg for jurors.

  34. 34
    Steve Miliband says:

    An airport would look great just over there

  35. 35
    Twampersand mk II says:

    The police nowadays are little more than criminals in uniform. They do not protect the public, they do not prevent crime, they do not promote the peace.

    I have actively taught my children to avoid the feckers under all circumstances. They are not there to help you.

    Little better than the SA.

  36. 36
    Anonymous says:

    Jeez, give the guy a break.

    I’d rather have a leader who isn’t camera savvy but is extremely able like Ed than dozy Dave who’s smarmed his way to putting the nation massively in debt with his little gang of Eton’s most challenged / ‘special’.

    Thanks to Dave the next government will have to deal with the mess left behind by the current one.

  37. 37
    Patrick O'Flynn says:

    “In the north-west, the Greens now have more councillors than Ukip.”

  38. 38
    Will says:

    Ed goes to Thurrock, is that the name of a pop band from the eighties. Memo to ed only go somewhere where the public cannot see you or are stranger than you ie canvey island !!!

  39. 39
    Steve Miliband says:

    Why would you vote for someone who wants to be an MP while being an MEP? How can they represent you in Parliament when they are meant to be in Brussels?

  40. 40
    Anon says:

    Why deport them within 5 years most of the UK (what is left) will be
    under sha*ria law……

    Especially if the ConsLieLaborLebDims Anti-Democracy Alliance are
    still in running things, even further into the ground for the sake of
    there beloved EUSSR dicators & of course fcuking multi culturalism !!

  41. 41
    William 10 pints a day, not gay, Hague says:

    Have you got any bummers?

    I like those best.

  42. 42
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Layabouts & other Wasters says:

    Please do all these things. Labour has got to remain unelectable, I can’t afford another Labour disaster.

  43. 43
    The Human Centipede that crawls around Westminster says:

    Blairism is what the Political/media centipede wants.
    Good old ‘stinking rich with a clear social conscience’ Blairism

  44. 44
    Twampersand mk II says:

    I’m resigned to seeing a whole year of smearing UKIP and another coalition government next June.

  45. 45
    Establishment guy alert says:

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  46. 46
    anon says:

    Dicks like you are always the first to call the Police when faced by lifes little problems.

  47. 47
    Cameron Is A CUNT says:

    are you looking to join a political party?
    are you english?
    are you racist?
    will you vote for a party without knowing any of their policies?
    are you really thick?
    do you think your protest vote by signing up for a far right wing nutjob party is the answer to britain’s problems?
    can you really put one complete sentence together?
    are you happy to live in the 17th century – no wages, no home, just slavery living in a field, eating leaves?
    vote ukip

  48. 48
    BBC 24hr rolling bollocks says:

    Ed would have looked out of place in ‘The Human League’

  49. 49
    The two Muppets says:

    I think that Red Ed is a great Labour leader , he just keeps on giving .

  50. 50
    ermm says:

    since when did the North West matter to anyone? i’d change the filthy rag you read if i were you

  51. 51
    BBC 24hr rolling bollocks says:

    If Rolf did the old Uuum duh de Uuuuh dum de Oooooh dum da Aaaaaaah bit.
    He’s fucked.

  52. 52
    non taxable pikey says:

    Those nasty Essex voters are really going to appreciate having a touchy feely PC candidate from Liebore HQ via the BBC parachuted in to their constituency. Out of touch with the electorate doesn’t even come close. Hopefully UKIP has a local businessman or woman lined up for the fight.

  53. 53
    Establishment guy alert says:


  54. 54
    The two Muppets says:

    Anonymous ,You have obviously forgotten to take your medication this morning .

  55. 55
    Counting cretins says:

    My brother used to pull Ed’s bacon sarnie face when ordered to eat his Brussels sprouts. He never did get the trick of swallowing them whole.

  56. 56
    Plantman says:

    Also – remind him that the Fruitcakes are now in charge of the bakery (and business is booming – they are obviously to the public’s taste)

    In the interests of effeciency and to combat Global Warming cc Castiron Dave and Nick the Failure with the same message.

  57. 57
    Counting cretins says:


  58. 58
    Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget that the Labour Chairman of the Planning Committee Councillor Terry Hipsey moved to Norfolk in 2009. In 2012 he stood and won a seat in Stanford-le-Hope West ward in Thurrock by claiming he lived at his step sons address in East Tilbury and registering himself on the Electoral registers in both Thurrock and Kings Lynn and West Norfolk at the same time. Don’t forget he voted for 501 homes to be built in the Green Belt in Thurrock because the developer was going to give £800,000 in Section 106 money to the school his daughter works at.

  59. 59
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘Dicks like you are always the first to call the Police when faced by lifes little problems.’

    Bu as they don’t come and just read out a crime number from their book of raffle tickets, it hardly matters does it? Whe is the last time you actually saw a copper in the flesh?Apart, of course, from when 1,000 of them suddenly appear at a demonstration or ten of them surround some poor bastard before shooting him.

  60. 60
    Close Down the BBC Now says:

    There we go – another BBC/Labour thread in the web of deceit spun by the ‘impartial’ British Broadcasting Corporation.

  61. 61
    Cato Street Conspirator says:


  62. 62
    Sue Denim says:

    Helps when pleading insanity.

  63. 63
    Anonymous says:

    Why doesn’t Ed just fly over Thurrock in a helicopter and piss on us from a great height – it’s what labour have been doing for years.

  64. 64
    Rock Miliband says:

    Yo Adian, I did it.

  65. 65

    Ed would fit in great with the Village People

  66. 66

    What a sanctimonious twat.

    That, in that interview, is everything you need to know about the red, blue and yellow team.

    Middle class wankers swanning about as if they’re ever going to make a change to our lives. They are simply being paid by you and I to proffer sweet deceitful platitudes, get their kids through private education, swat up on their media courses so they can do that “sticking the closed fist/alien hand” gesture to you and lie to you that they are making a difference.

    Well, I say one thing: get 656 entitled troughers down to 5 and then I might pay a little more attention.

    Vote UKIP!

  67. 67
    Twampersand mk II says:

    No, you’re wrong there. I cause no trouble, so I see little, but no thanks to a shit, box-ticking, CS-gassing criminal gang called the Police.

    I wouldn’t dream of calling the Police for anything except a murder or the like. The bastards are as likely to arrest the nearest passer-by, or the caller, as the culprit.

    It’s ‘dics’ (sic) like you, anon, that have let the bastards get away with it so long they actually think they serve a useful purpose.

  68. 68
    Brian Potter says:

    I have seen the future.

    Its garlic bread.

    FFS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  69. 69
    The Wild Colonial Boy says:

    I believe you misquoted Red Ed when you claimed that in 2012 he declared Labour was “winning back people’s trust”. Didn’t he really say that Labour was “winning black people’s trust”? Or maybe he just thought it.

  70. 70
    Bob Rusk says:

    Did fat boy write this. OK, I’ve got no truck with Labour …but, but … attack them on their treachery rather than mongo’s face.

  71. 71
    Jan says:

    Never forget, the Peasant’s Revolt started in ESSEX in 1381….I spent my teenage years in ‘Sarf’ Ockendon where Nige was seen being mobbed by the locals last Friday.Brilliant working class people…salt of the earth.As a westender rather than an eastender I was devastated that we had to move to Essex.But housing in Ladbroke Grove in the early 60s was dire.People can mock all they like but I can assure you Essex Man is a bellwether to what comes next….Miliband will never be accepted by Essex Man.They more than others like ‘cool’.Nige is ‘cool’, Miliband is just weird.

  72. 72
    Carlo Gambino says:

    and ‘dat ding dere’ in the pluto shervington song of the same name and for the same reason.

    great great song.

  73. 73
    broderick crawford says:


    I travel first class bacause I AM a first class —berk .

  74. 74
    broderick crawford says:

    Heard tbst old Blairite troubadour Alan Milburn on Mother Martha at One on Radio Four today . I thought he was dead .

    Anyway , from amongst the current lot of cerebrally moribund social flotsam that comprise H M Opposition they could do worse than bring him back as Leader .

    He looks normal . He speaks coherently . And I understsnd he can put one foot in front of the other constructively whilst eating a bacon sandwich .

    So there we have it — MIILL -iburn in and MILLI – bland out .

    They could do worse — and indeed probably will ……

  75. 75
    A doc says:

    As G&S wrote many years ago, ‘a policeman’s lot is not a happy one’.

    Not much has changed in all these years.

  76. 76
    Norma Stitz says:

    I guess “Jake the Peg’ was on safer ground than ‘Two Little Boys’ in the current climate.

  77. 77
  78. 78
    Aparat says:

    Whatever happened to the Miliband ‘gormless’ footage from Newsnight in 2010 or 2011 (can’t be more precise, I’m afraid)? The prog. ended with it – Millipede walking through a community centre/conference centre room or office, I think, with an aide by his side. The Labourites of Newsnight weren’t impressed with him at the time and aired their frustration. I haven’t seen the footage since and it’s a shame, as he looked spectacularly mongish. It needs to be added to the video library.

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