May 12th, 2014

Knives Out for Wee Dougie as Insiders Pray For Axe Swing

Labour insiders have confessed that they are “confused and worried” about where the party’s message is going after last week’s PEB and poster. “We’re all over the place” says one, adding “our messaging is not working”. Staffers are questioning why the party are spending over £300,000 on Axelrod when such terrible ideas can be signed off. “None of this adds up.” And where was the yank campaigning genius when it was all going wrong? Finishing writing a book. Axelrod’s arrival in the UK is imminent for a two day briefing on British politics. Something tellingly required if you are from Chicago, compared to, say,  Australia. Only the Labour Party could end up paying for the pleasure of teaching their own guru rather than the other way round.

The finger of blame for last week’s clusterf**k is being pointed at Labour’s election coordinator Douglas Alexander for his stubborn refusal to “take the fight to UKIP”, instead focussing on the LibDems. Guido hears a row has broken out with attack dog Michael Dugher, who wants to train Labour’s fire on the party with 29% in the EU polls rather than the one on 9%. Dugher, speaking with unmelted butter in his mouth, tells Guido “we are beautifully aligned”.

Meanwhile, as revealed in yesterday’s Sun, Alexander’s enemies are wondering out loud why he got the top election job after losing two campaigns in Scotland, coordinating Labour’s loss in 2010 and then running David Miliband’s doomed leadership campaign. “Presumably he must have won his seat selection vote once” whispers a catty colleague.

As if by magic, Alexander was booked into yesterday’s Sunday Politics, where he was pummelled with a blunt instrument. Not only did he try to suggest that claims the Tories deliberately targeted disabled people were “factual” but also having a naked Nick Clegg eaten by a giant cat is not negative campaigning. His defence of the VAT poster fell apart pretty quickly too:

Alexander crumbled at the suggestion the VAT hike really has added £450 a year to average shopping basket. For that to be true the average family would have to be spending £21,600 a year on items that are 20% VATable. However average take home pay is less than £20,000 and an average family spends a large percentage of their income on zero rated food, travel, housing or low rated energy. It is inconceivable, even with welfare top ups, that an “average” family could spend £21,600 on 20% VATable goods. When Alexander was presented with this yesterday he moved the goalposts, suggesting that the cost would be over the course of the last Parliament. Which is not what his colleagues were saying:

You could forgive Axelrod for getting straight back on the plane and never coming back.

UPDATE: An sharp eared reader points out that at 3.19 in the above video Dougie himself says the £450 refers to a year before later attempting to say that it was “not an annualised figure”. Eek.


  1. 1
    GaryTT says:

    Too many topics – you cant get to develope proper comments

  2. 2
    Edward I says:

    Haven’t there been rumours about the alleged corrupt carry-ons of this little shit’s sister north of the border?

  3. 3
    Ed P says:

    At last the true colours of Labour are showing – the party of lies, damned lies and idiots.

  4. 4
    Unbalanced Views says:

    Vote UKIP

  5. 5
    Not in my name says:

    You have to understand that his political mentor was Gordon Brown.

    After that, the rest becomes clear

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

    Clarifications and corrections
    PUBLISHED: 00:00, 12 May 2014 | UPDATED: 00:00, 12 May 2014

    An article about Nigel Farage on 14 March and 22 April said he and his wife Kirsten began an affair before the UKIP leader’s first marriage ended. We are happy to clarify that they met only after the divorce was finalised and apologise for any distress caused. We have agreed to pay damages and costs to Kirsten Farage.”

    Serves em right , Well Done Mrs Farage

  7. 7
    Wee Dougal McDougal of Doogalshire says:

    I must be honest – well, – as honest as a politician can be –


    But Cam’s roots are Scottish too, – so maybe we’re doomed! Doomed I tell’ee

  8. 8
    David Axelbroke says:

    I love David Miliband, he will make a great Premier Minister for England!

  9. 9
    Ed Miliband says:


  10. 10
    Social Media Guru says:

    #LabourWinning #Don’tMentionEurope #ClassWar #NewKinnock #hashbrowns

  11. 11
    mechanicalbent says:

    The wheels are falling off of Labour’s axelrod!

  12. 12
    US Politics guy tweets says:

    Those Conservatories don’t like it up em! #winning

  13. 13
    Rickytshirt says:

    I’m buying popcorn shares.

  14. 14
    Idon'tneednodoctor says:

    Have the wheels come off the “axel” of Ed Miliband’s bandwagon.
    Labour under Miliband, the incredible shrinking vote.

  15. 15
    William Wallace says:

    It was 6 years ago. Get over it.

  16. 16
    Anonymous says:

    Wee Dougie is well out his depth. I don’t think I’ve heard him answer an answer a question directly. He is very slippery & very third rate!

  17. 17
    Idon'tneednodoctor says:

    But he is labour, what do you expect?

  18. 18
    Axelrod + Wingnut Miliband says:

    Axelrod will fly over and collect his pile of cash. He doesn’t care for Labour:
    – Lose the election and he’s still paid hundreds of thousands of pounds
    – Win and he gains, plus he never has to live the consequences of Ed Miliband as PM taxing him at 50%.

  19. 19
    UKIP are clowns says:


  20. 20
    Why would you marry an English girl? says:

    I knew a German girl called Kirsten (NOT Mrs Farage!) and she was an absolute fox.

  21. 21
    Anonymous says:

    Judging by your handle you do not appear to have got over fight 700 years ago! No matter I do not care how mad your plan is, good luck!

  22. 22
    ahmonika says:

    Too much water in his Scotch?

    Cocaine use in Britain so widespread it can be found in our DRINKING WATER

  23. 23
    The Bannockburn Kiss says:

    Alexander is now a busted flush.

    He wont be taking over this year.

    In fact he will never be taking over.

    That was a set up.

  24. 24
    Austrian Damsel says:

    Did she have a beard?

  25. 25
    Corby says:

    Labour are right to try to hoover up Lib Dem votes. They are easier to get than UKIP votes as UKIP votes are pretty solid.and inclined to the Tories. So the first objective of Labour should be to get the disenchanted Lib Dem votes on board. As UKIP is the biggest threat too the Tories it is in the Labour interest to let UKIP eat into the Tory vote.

  26. 26
    IDS's free breakfast says:

    Hello there, Lynton old chum – no doubt you’re having a good chuckle at David Alexrod’s troubles, but nonetheless, I’m sure that a chap as well-organised and forward thinking as you has already started having thoughts about what you’re going to do work-wise next year after your inevitable sacking on the 8th May 2015.

    Well, I was browsing the DWP website the other day, and I think I’ve found just the job for you. An adult shop in Soho in Central London has got a vacancy for a jizz mopper. Admittedly, it is a zero hours position, and you don’t get paid a salary, just your benefits, but you’ll get to learn invaluable skills that’ll look good on your CV, plus you get a 5% staff discount on all watersports DVDs.

    No doubt you might think this is a step down for you, but let me tell you, the last time I was in one of these establishments (it was just after I’d lost my mess whilst watching Shit Lovers Volume 6), I found myself musing – in the greater scheme of things, who is the more important? The person who is going to clean my spaff off the floor of this video cabin, or the man who is going to steer the Tories to defeat in 2015? A no-brainer, I’m sure you’ll agree!

    If I was you, I’d apply as quickly as possible, as there are going to be a lot of members of the cabinet also applying for new jobs post-election (not me, of course – I’ll still be sponging off my exceedingly wealthy wife!) and remember – you don’t get any benefits for the first week of unemployment, so the sooner you can get those overalls on and start mopping, the sooner you’ll receive that extremely generous £53 a week.

    By the way, you might want to get your dog whistles re-tuned, as the people I meet on the doorstep (not my doorstep, obviously – we don’t have one, we have a drawbridge, and the rottweilers chase away any proles who come within 200 metres of it) tell me that Ukip have much louder and higher pitched ones that are drowning yours out.

    Also, that “for hard working people” slogan isn’t really working as far as I can tell. All the people that I know who have jobs are quite happy doing the bare minimum whilst getting pissed on subsidised beer, buying expensive furniture and houses using taxpayers’ money, and taking four months holiday a year – and they’re all Tory MPs, so if the message isn’t getting through to them, I can’t imagine it’s having much of an effect on the voters. But hey, I’m just in charge of the DWP, what do I know? (“Fuck all,” as my civil servants like to joke. Those guys!)

    Still, carry on with the good work. I’m sure the knighthood, or whatever the Mickey Mouse equivalent is that they give to convicts, is in the (disastrously privatised) post.

  27. 27
    Austrian Damsel says:

  28. 28
    Labour are evil says:

    Douglas Alexander is absolute scum and represents all that is wretched, corrupt, dishonest and evil about Labour.

  29. 29
    DynoRod Dave, Shitshifter to the Clergy says:

    Fortunately, it looks like we can do without your vote.

  30. 30
    GaryTT says:

    Cameron does!

  31. 31
    Axelrod pervayor of the finest oils of snake says:

    There are no problems just challenges with Ed Miliband being the most challenged of all.
    So let’s think outside the box put a pin in those negative vibes and sell sell sell.

    My bill is in the post.

  32. 32
    Austrian Damsel says:

    Considering Alexrod is being paid $400,000 plus p.a. to work for the Labour party here, his mind seems to be focused on issues elsewhere…

    Voter ID laws are a sham

  33. 33
    US Politics guy tweets says:

    Why isn’t there a ‘load of bollocks’ star?

  34. 34
    Silly Mumsnet says:

    That’s our vote for labour in the bag

  35. 35
    Labour's for Losers says:

    The words “focking idiot” really don’t do him justice.

    He states it’s a fact that the Tories, and Cameron don’t know what the NHS is and deliberately target disabled people, when Cameron’s own deceased disabled child was very publicly reported as being treated by the NHS.
    Apart from being revoltingly callous and viciously personal, it demonstrates complete lack of competence to even do the most basic checking of the facts and the likely response to the claims.

    He then states it’s a fact that the shopping basket full of non-VAT-able goods correctly implies a VAT bill of £450 (whether for a year or goalpost-shifted to an imprecisely-defined period called “a parliament”) that would require the average earning consumer to spend more than they earn in a year on VAT-able items – i.e.: non-essential goods and services.
    Apart from demonstrating complete financial illiteracy and a complete failure to do even the most basic fact-checking, as a campaign tactic it’s yet another blatant incompetent failure – if you want your campaign to stick, then you want a few punch irrefutable factoids to be at the heart of it – as soon as you start backtracking on them, you have flushed all the money and work that’s gone into the campaign down the toilet, and, as the Axelrod might say, completely “thrown your campaign team under the bus”.

    What it shows is a level of poor leadership, incompetence, laziness, and nastiness, that has characterised the Labour Party ever since John Smith’s death in the mid 90s.

    All Labour-haters must be praying that Douglas Alexander keeps his job… forming a holy-trinity of electoral failure that even Kinnock, Callaghan, and Foot would chuckle at – Balls-Miliband-Alexander.

  36. 36
    Cyril Smith LibDem MP lest we forget says:

    Agree easier to grab the low hanging rotten fruit which are libdems.

  37. 37
    Winston says:

    Correct. All Labour need is a sizeable swing from the LDs to win in 2015. Guido’s attack is missing the point.

  38. 38
    Labour's for Losers says:

    Nevertheless, the polls show a 3% drift from Labour to UKIP over the last 6 months… UKIP have already shown they can take 3-4% off the Tories, which makes UKIP’s 20%+ polls look a little more sound than YouGov would have you believe.

  39. 39
    Austrian Damsel says:

    Correction $506,000 p.a.

  40. 40
    Mongo the Labour voter says:

    Too many words brain hurts

  41. 41
    IHaveAPassportFromBongoBongoland says:

    The £450 per year figure is expressly stated, clearly, in the un-credible shrinking man advert, approx 1 min 40 in, where “toffy-cam” says to “shrinking nick”:

    “We shall be raising VAT on all peoples shopping bils, £450 per year per family”.

    Poor old Alexander’s claim that it was “over the course of the change”, and not per year is blown to bits.

    Either Labour is the party targetting people who can spend £20,000+ per annum on 20% vattables, or they’ve been misleading. Or Maybe Alexander was “mistaken”.

  42. 42
    Labour's for Losers says:

    Is that what’s Ed’s mum told you?

  43. 43
    Labour's for Losers says:

    Canada 1993
    Britain 1981
    …prepare for Labour collapse in the polls!

  44. 44
    nonbeliever says:

    Seen SkyNews poll today?

    Interesting Labour slide…

  45. 45
    Anonymous says:

    Wee Douglas actually says “… .are you saying that the coalition government hasn’t put up the cost £450 per year..?” in one of his attempted rebuttals to Andrew Neil earlier in this actual clip…

  46. 46
    Sod UKIP says:

    In the Labour Party, shit floats to the top….

  47. 47
    Legion says:

    Oh come now – wee Dougie is just one amongst many of the same.

  48. 48
    Anonymous says:

    off of? WTF?

  49. 49
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘You could forgive Axelrod for getting straight back on the plane and never coming back.’

    Money in the bank. Who wouldn’t hang around for a year, pick up the cash, then piss off back to the States where no-one gives a toss about the Labour (sorry, Labor) party?

  50. 50
    rick says:


  51. 51
    Norma Stitz says:

    As someone with experience of dealing with ‘special needs’, Axlegrease, your skills will be useful when you get to grips with the highly-challenged Labour Shadow Cabinet!

  52. 52
    Still on Benefit says:

    If their paying £400 000 they expect someone who can really polish a turd. Even so Axelrod has his work cut out with this bunch of misshapes.

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    Douglas Alexander seems to be the most boring speaker as an MP. I always watch QT when he is on as he can send me to sleep in seconds.

  54. 54
    Just Saying says:

    There is a strong subliminal message in the Labour propaganda clip, and their campaign manager’s even more shameless attempt to justify party propaganda.

    A message that I suspect even Labour supporters will note:

    That if Labour can peddle such blatant and outrageous untruths about Coalition finances, they will probably be even more devious about finances on their watch, and even more grotesque in attempts to justify what they do with the nation’s finances.

  55. 55
    Not in my name says:

    Now who will be giving Axlegrease that two day briefing I wonder?

  56. 56
    Labour voting doug shite says:

    Put in a complaint to trading standards. It is false advertising.

  57. 57
    Gordon Brown says:

    It’s just racist, having a Scottish journalist who was a Tory questioning a Scottish MP.

  58. 58
    simon r says:

    my thought exactly !

  59. 59
  60. 60
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Some talk of Alexander,
    And some of Miliband.
    Of Harman, Balls and Cooper’
    And others not so grand.
    But of all the Worlds great idiots,
    There’s one that wins hands down.
    He stole from the old
    And flogged off our gold,
    That madman Gordon Brown.

  61. 61
    William Wallace says:

    Considering my handle was directed to the handle of the post above mine… Try reading your history and thanks for the kind regards.

  62. 62
    Philagain says:

    NO if it’s wasn’t for labour we would all be swimming in it by now.
    I should my landlord has yet to come and sort out my back Passge which is awash with sh1t and rubbish. He’s a bleeding tory and a nazi!

  63. 63
    nonbeliever says:

    Unfortunately people who don’t follow politics will see this and it will stick in their minds…

    Which one will you remember?

  64. 64
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Green Nazis, Peedos and other Wasters says:

    God help us if disgusting Labour get anywhere near winning.

  65. 65
    Anonymous says:

    £450 is 20% of £2,250

  66. 66
    Arthur Greenwood says:

    Let’s get back to reality – in the black and white PEB Nick Clegg is minuscule. The cat is normal size (for a cat).

  67. 67
    molene says:

    It does say £450 pa in the PPB, and Balls confirmed as much. On the poster it doesnt say whether it’s a per annum figure

    In the Neil interview, Alexander backtracked and said it was over the life of the Parliament ie £90 pa not £450.

    What a lying incompetent little f***

  68. 68
    molene says:

    The relevant figure is the Vat increase from 17.5% to 20% ie 2.5%. Doh. Labour Party member?

  69. 69
    Richard says:

    She resigned as Labour Leader in the Scottish Parliament for some alleged wrongdoing. Her brother who always comes over as a sanctimonious Prebyterian reminds me of a creepy Sunday School teacher.

  70. 70
    NBeale says:

    Monumental incompetence and blatant lies. And he admits he signed off on these ads which are mendacious and in the case of the PEB despicable.

  71. 71
    Liebour says:

    Good work, we Dougie. You told a lie and then told a lie about the lie. In the lying stakes we cannot be bettered. Vote Liebour for all the lies you will ever need.

  72. 72
    Liebour says:


  73. 73
    broderick crawford says:

    Good old Brillo . Nailed it again with splendid research either by him or his dilligent staffers.

    Either way , give him Paxo s job on Newsnight and retain his research team …….. they re ( nearly ) as good as Guido s ….

  74. 74
    broderick crawford says:

    Nay smake wi ‘ oot fire ladddddie !!

  75. 75
    Roll on Independence says:

    Dear Dougie is your sister still “spending time with her family” grannie and tanner comes to mind.

  76. 76
    jack ketch says:

    What like the Rev. Flowers?

  77. 77
    Backstabber says:

    I think mechanicalbent may be from the West Country

  78. 78
    jack ketch says:

    Perhaps Guido could institute an award ceremony for politicians on Tv. A bit like the “razzies” that are anti-Oscars, giving awards for the worst film performances. There could be “the Pinnochio award”, the “Houdini award” for number of times not answering a straight question, the “Beau Geste” award for forgetting what was said last time. Perhaps other people have additional suggestions.

  79. 79
    John says:

    It says an immense amount about Labour that they have the knives out for wee Dougie.

    Because if Labour has a problem, it’s that goofy, whining, fuckwitted windbag who is currently parading on the news most nights making desperate speeches.

  80. 80
    Boris Johnson says:

    I’ll give him an anualised figure!

  81. 81
    Advertising Complaints Department says:

    Ha Ha – Up yours – Us Labour and Coop Boys know how to succeed in some things Ha Ha

    Claims in marketing communications whose principal function is to influence voters in a local, national or international election or referendum are exempt from the Code. Please contact the Electoral Commission.

  82. 82
    yeti says:

    The Lib Dem vote has already deserted. Seriously there’s nobody left to take from the lib dems. Only the hard core lentil munchers are left. Labour won’t get them

  83. 83
    jrmacclure says:

    Maybe all this has to do with the talk of sending him to Scotland to be fed to Alex Salmond who will doubtlessly make short work of the hapless lad.

  84. 84
    Richard says:

    Yes, but without the rent boys and the ketamine!

  85. 85
    My crystal ball sees all. says:

    Absolute car-crash interview with Brillo on Sunday. Clearly it’s back to the future for this new, old Labour lot.

  86. 86
    English accountant says:

    When you see people like wee Douggie incapable of managing a simple argument about tax you really wonder why Socialists insist that they can spend our money better than we can.

  87. 87
    madjockmcmad says:

    Dougy Alexander is one of the ‘voices’ behind Alisdair ‘Flipper’ Darling’s attempts to keep Scotland British (aka under control of the City of London) apparently the latest IPSOS/MORI poll sees a 20% lead evaporated and the ‘Splittists’ with a clear lead of 5%.

    This follows on from his great success in the 2011 Holyrood elections where his skills enabled the SNP to gain a majority in a system designed to never let that happen.

    And, yes, he did stab his sister, Big Brain Wendy, in the back because she upset Gordon Broon …

  88. 88
    jas says:

    The long knives are out Dougie. Be afraid, very afraid.

    The tosser apparently has taken over the Better Together reigns from every body’s darling and nobodies child, Alasdair Darling. Caught out telling lies on Sunday Politics, before his starting gun has even fired a shot.

  89. 89
    jas says:

    Her kids no longer play with the hungry caterpillar now, but their mother does.

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