May 8th, 2014

Boris the Bad Bard

If Boris Johnson’s future career is dependent on his word-smithery, then his hopes of reaching No. 10 have been rapidly dashed. The Standard have the poem the Mayor wrote for a chum’s book launch:

When the RMT is out
And your tube is up the spout
And your bus is overheating
And you’ve missed a crucial meeting
Read a poem.

When you’ve been stopped from leading Labour
By your brother’s bad behaviour
Read some Wilfred Scawen Blunt
And forget the little ****.

If you’ve been driving much too fast
And Mrs Huhne has grassed
Don’t get cross at Mrs Huhne
Try some Owen or Sassoon
Read a poem.

Guido would say ‘don’t give up the day job’, but with the hunt on for safe seat, he’s not sure Boris is listening…


  1. 1
    A bit of fun says:

    It is not bad. Good humour. :)

  2. 2
    jgm2 says:

    Boris for PM.

  3. 3
    little ed says:

    Bad Boris for PM

  4. 4
    Bosun Higgs says:

    When you think that our PM
    Is a closeted LibDem
    When your self-esteem’s as high
    As The Shard or London Eye
    Treat your hubris cautiously –
    Read some classic tragedy!

  5. 5
    Glenda Jackasson says:

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

    Good to see huff po, maintaining the moral high ground over publishing pictures of norks.

  7. 7
    jgm2 says:

    Boris could surely write a quality ‘Night Train Crossing the Border’ – style poem ripping the piss out of Labour, The Imbecile and the utter clusterfuck he visited upon the Uk economy.

    Then have him do a voiceover for a PPB.

    ‘This is the fuckwit from North of the Border,

  8. 8
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    If only Ed Miliband’s team had hired this guy for the signing.

  9. 9
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Why is Guido saying Hunt so many times?

  10. 10
    Tapestry says:

    Boris was pissed. Fracker Farage calls for British earthquake

  11. 11
    Tron says:

    Boris is funny and the poem is a bit of fun.

    Why the nasty intro, Guido?

  12. 12
    Gordon Brown says:

    Here I sit broken hearted

    Spent £2Tn, and only farted.

  13. 13
    Greg Dyke says:

    I will make the FA hideously white.

  14. 14
    David Cameron's Hairy Hoover says:


    Haaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrryyyyy, Hoooooooooooovvvvverrrrrrrrrr,
          Hairy Hoover, Hairy Hoover, Mother Fuck, Mother Fuck.
          Vote for me, the Hairy See, 
             Mother Fuck, Mother Fuck,
          Read a poem: Cυnt.
    Haaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrryyyyy, Hoooooooooooovvvvverrrrrrrrrr….
  15. 15
    Dan Hodges says:

    Vote UKIP

  16. 16
    SumYeung Gai says:

    Is not I. I cookie for Wirry Hague, he luvvy taste of yeung gui

  17. 17
    The Growler says:

    Over Dave the Magnificent’s dead body!!!!!!!

  18. 18
    C O (Ξ7s1) says:

    Farage is on QT tonight. May be worth a watch.

  19. 19
    nell says:

    Quite amusing. He looks as though he might also make a decent conductor of an orchestra.

  20. 20
    nell says:

    Yes but who else is on with him?

  21. 21
    Lars Porsena of Clusium says:

    It’s better in Latin.

  22. 22
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Maybe, but you swore a lot too.

  23. 23
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Misread a verb for a noun.

  24. 24
    cured lefty says:

    The usual lefty shite.

  25. 25
    Actually says:

    I found that quite funny.

  26. 26
    Roger the Butler says:

    Unlike the problem of misreading a proper noun for a verb…

  27. 27
    Ockham's Razor says:

    I had not realised that Ed Miliband was a runt.

  28. 28
    Ockham's Razor says:


    If that’s what it takes.

  29. 29
    broderick crawford says:

    There a bug eyed Intellectual living north of Primrose Hill
    With a paunchy Shadow Chancellor in tow.
    They have meetings every morning
    Si ging “Hope there s trouble at’ Mill
    Now let s go and play the greyhounds
    Up the ‘Stow “**

    (** oh ….we closed that stadium when WE were in office !)

  30. 30
    Ex Boris Fan says:

    What’s wrong with that? If anything it proves Old, Naughty Boris, who we liked, is still alive somewhere inside New, Careful, Neutered, Politically Correct, BBC Friendly Boris.

  31. 31
    Michael Gove The Shabby Nazi says:

    Uniforms will be avaialable for all your children at affordable prices!

  32. 32
    nell says:

    No good then. I shall want to be throwing my shoe at the telly and it doesn’t do the telly any good at all.

  33. 33
    Gordon Brown says:

    Only pulling your plonker. I don’t have a heart.

  34. 34
    broderick crawford says:


    ( with Arnie Schwarzenegger as Labour Minister with special responsibility for “dealing ” with Trade Union negotiations ………” You won t be baaaaack “!!)

  35. 35
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Dyke – took the money – the ‘pay off’ and did the emotional string pull jobby on the imbeciles at the bbc; And he willingly signed the gagging clause. Fucking dirty duplicitous B;strd – oh and as of Dorchester – it was Dorchester in Dorset where he has connections.

  36. 36
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    If one takes a calm – stand back and look, at Dave, Nick and Ed – what they Front up as is one big FUCKING JOKE that has the temerity to call itself a Government and opposition.

  37. 37
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Strangely, of the Conservative front-runners, I favour both Gove and Boris even though they are the LibDems chief bogey men.

    I must be very un-lib or un-dem or even both… :-)

  38. 38
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    We don’t see or hear ‘diddly’ of the 650 mp’s – speaking out against the rank and file P.a.e dos – whatsoever


  39. 39
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Not contested. But we were actually talking about Boris. What is your view of him?

  40. 40
    I'm available for after dinner engagements, etc says:

    There once was a man called Brown
    Whose face looked like a scrotum with a frown
    He threw lots of tantrums
    Spent our money with abandon
    Oh how I wish he would drown

  41. 41
    Fracking is bad, so is Nuclear Power, so I'll use US Gas and EDF lecce says:

    Yeah, because Fracking is soooo bad that a lot of EU Countries, after weening themselves of Fascist Russian Gas, are due to be gouging themselves on exported ‘Fracked’ US gas. It’s easy to be a sanctimonious hippie, but if you use US gas or use EDF, you’re nothing but a hypocrite. (or does NIMBY’ism assuage your troubled soul?)

  42. 42
    Nigel sauvage says:

    Boris doesnt sound very British to me
    He has the whiff of kebabs,mint tea and magic carpets about him

  43. 43
    Gogglebox says:

    Aka Shirley the Pearl, Grant Crapps, Chuka the snake-oil salesman, and a tree-hugger.

  44. 44
    Throw Off Your Chains, UK says:

    Bliar is the most duplicitous Hunt ever to lead the country. A complete disaster. Apart from supporting britpop I cannot think of a single gain that he brought. We are still saddled with the Shit now. His clones in the LLC and spawn are here to haunt us.

  45. 45
    Everybody says:

    Oh God!

    Not you back again! We thought we had seen the back of you. What have we done that is bad enough to deserve this?

  46. 46
    Clement Fraud says:

    Lib Dems the party that is coming up from behind

  47. 47
    Bloomers in rain-soaked Bongo Bongo Land says:

  48. 48
    Ockham's Razor says:

    What a nauseating thought!

  49. 49
    Nigel says:

    We will stoppeth three of three
    If you’ll only vote for me.
    The time is coming fast
    When the agony is past.
    Just vote for me in May
    And let UKIP save the day.

  50. 50
    Throw Off Your Chains, UK says:

    It’s up to retailers whether they clearly label halal products, No 10 says
    Downing Street says that David Cameron does not support compulsory labelling of halal products and that he has no concerns about the meat he buys or eats in restaurants…..DT

    Well stuff you. Because we do care and don’t want some mufti blessing our meat before we Fawk out twenty quid for it.

    FFS grow a spine, man.

  51. 51
    I'm available for after dinner engagements, etc says:

    Was that a haiku?

  52. 52
    Simon Huge says:

    I’ll second that!

  53. 53
    Gordon Brown says:

    Why when you wet yourself does it cool so quickly.

  54. 54
    Ockham's Razor says:

    That is not so good… unless you like sole music.

  55. 55
    Ockham's Razor says:


  56. 56
    The British media are cunts says:

    So now Nigerians are demanding the west help them find their kids.

    What’s wrong with asking your friends the Russians, Chinese or Islamic world for help instead?

    I thought we were the hated colonial scum?

  57. 57
    Pookie Snackumberger says:

    Bet that wasn’t the answer he was hoping for.

  58. 58
    Throw Off Your Chains, UK says:

    For food and meat products to be sold as “halal” most companies join a certification scheme run by a number of Muslim bodies, such as Halal Food Authority, Halal Monitoring Committee, Halal Monitoring Board, European Halal Development Agency and many others. A fee for certification is charged to the abattoir or food company depending on the numbers of animals slaughtered or food processed, and thus passed on to the purchaser. It is commonly called the “Halal Tax”. All these “certification bodies” are self-appointed, usually run as charities, and pass on a percentage of their income raised in fees to Islamic Charities, many of which are on the lists of US and UK governments as possible supporters of terror’ism.

    Only in the non Christian most craven mussie loving llc conspiracy. Hunts.

  59. 59
    Drew Peacock says:

    Here is a better and more truthfull poem

    Tory Voting Song

    Jolly voting weather
    We are all Europhiles
    We’re very clever
    And lie to you all the while
    You fell for our promise especially the CAST IRON trick
    We’re all from Eton, and you lot are all too thick.

    Regarding our expenses
    We will fill our boots
    We know you don’t like it
    But we don’t give two hoots
    If we get found out we will not shed a tear
    We’ll still be MPs on £60 odd grand a year

    If you think I’ll claim back powers,
    You haven’t got a clue
    We’ll hand the UK to Merkle,
    There is nothing that you can do
    No referendums Changes through on the nod
    I am the PM and I’m a duplicitous sod

    As for immigration
    I know it gets on your tits
    We will flood the nation
    And pay their benefits
    We are from Eton; and we are the ruling class
    If you don’t like it, you can just kiss my a***

  60. 60
    The BBC PR dept says:

    …and the hand-picked biassed audience, it will be a golden moment in the anals of BBC history… now pay your licence fee, I need to up my xs

  61. 61
    the blue smartie says:

    It is also that any co. wishing to meet the Halal quality standards have to have a separate system from any other one and the representative must be a muslim.
    …and then back to the self-appointed certifivcation bodies.

    So much for a common standard

  62. 62
    Mike "fribble" Handycock says:

    You never know my princess x x

  63. 63
    Gordon Brown says:

    a small fart
    the poo falls
    into the bowl

  64. 64
    Ockham's Razor says:


    Tits on the front line now.

    I don’t mind a woman killing me – but not that way.

  65. 65
    Simple solution says:

    No purchases from me of any halal meat in any of the named supermarkets or restaurants.

  66. 66
    Funambulist says:

    The septic tail wagging the British bulldog as usual while mozzie middle-men make fortunes out of a ‘religious’ scam. The DM or the current bun need to throw a bright spotlight on the whole sordid business, not just the ‘stunning’ aspect. One of the papers should run a campaign in support of proper labelling.

  67. 67
    Still, it could be worse says:

    If this is the case that halal butchers are supporting terrorism then PM should reassess his relaxation. I’m sure it is a great consolation to the animals to receive a blessing while they are slaughtered but to me it seems like a devisive activity

  68. 68
    sometime I wonder, then I think who cares says:

    Are they illegal immigrants or members of the EU, take your time, it’s a difficult question.

  69. 69
    sometime I wonder, then I think who cares says:

    Seems the religion of peace is not at peace with itself or it’s members.

  70. 70
    Drew Peacock says:

    The Times they are a changing

    Come all the electorate throughout the UK
    It’s time to ignore what the LIBLABCON say
    Lets face it these parties have all had their day
    Our politics need rearranging
    So go out and vote UKIP lets sweep them away
    For the times they are a changing

    Not one of them listens to our point of view
    They’d sooner give our cash to the EU
    So lets kick them out and try something new
    We can’t afford this lot remaining
    Political rethink is long overdue
    For the times they are a changing

    They lied about Lisbon and promised a vote
    There all Europhiles and in the same boat
    Their treachery just bring a lump to my throat
    As each other they just keep blaming
    So send them a message and let them take note
    That the times they are a changing

    We will no longer tolerate lies being told
    Tax breaks for the rich but more tax for the old
    Ruled from the EU and our birthrights sold
    They ignore us when we are complaining
    If we all vote UKIP there out in the cold
    For the times they all need changing

    Now that the EU elections are near
    The full UKIP smear campaign slips into gear
    But UKIP aren’t crooks so there’s nothing to fear
    Establishment over reaction
    UKIP don’t swindle there well in the clear
    For the “TIMES” they are a changing

  71. 71
    Lumpy Turk Beans says:

    Boris is a fucking inbred mong. He fit in fine in Downing Street. He has already thrown his lumpy Turk beans up Cameron’s wonky wombed horse faced inbred c’u’n’t so he will fit right in. Hopefully these inbred mong scum can inter breed so much in a few hundred years they will just be a fucking lump of flesh. Why do you think Cameron had that spacca kid and the ginger dribbling mong girl he lets Leon Brittan finger fuck each night?

  72. 72
    Lord Salisbury says:

    The man is an utter buffoon and you wonder what is wrong with British politics?

  73. 73
    oscar mild says:

    we’re goose steeping down the escalator
    for eternal high tea at the fritz
    our status has been updated
    and many are jealous that my lady
    has bought a time machine for her face.

    yes we’re possessed up to our eyeballs
    and the rate of interest is exponentially great
    we’ve got 3000 friends on farcebook
    and none of them is ever late with updates.

    yes it’s ping time for the shitlers
    herding us down to the gates
    there’s bill with his firmware
    collecting our wallets stuffed full of hate.

    we shimmer with can do, synergy and diversity
    and there are rainbow coloured condoms shackled to our wrists
    because we really do care about those so unfortunate
    who couldn’t afford the uni brainwashing debt.

    we’re really nothing more than flesh bots
    competing to win the sub human race
    a experiment in perpetual motion
    with a congealed shit grin upon our face.

    yes we’re goose stepping up the escalation
    because it is always someone else’s fault
    and there’s no honour in disgrace.
    our last supper will be giant fuck off sized mushrooms
    with a appetizer of some pig’s mace.

  74. 74
    Grimy Miner says:

    Why don’t they get the Minister for the Interior’s second cousin to release the $71m that is tied up in a Swiss bank account because he was killed in a plane crash?

  75. 75
    i agree says:

    Nor me.
    It’s disgusting that consumers have been
    treated so appallingly.

  76. 76
    The Growler says:

    A touch of the Rus I would guess

  77. 77
    Ciaran Goggins says:

    Can I just say that I am a Chicken Hawk.

  78. 78
    Ciaran Goggins says:

    That Ched Evans that used to play for Sheffield United is in my opinion well guilty. The jury should be given a pat on the back. The filthy bastard.

  79. 79
    NE Frontiersman says:

    Or stick to the bacon.

  80. 80
    Ciaran Goggins says:

    Cyril Smith taught me all there is to know about buggery. He introduced me to lots of his friends
    and I can still feel the tingle I felt on looking over my shoulder to see Cyrils horrible moon face contorted with lust as he buggered me in the RAC in Pall Mall.

  81. 81
    The Wild Colonial Boy says:

    The hair is right in many (most?) of the following:

    Bojo’s got his mojo back to be sure.

  82. 82
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    Back to LBC with you, Davis!

  83. 83
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    Oh, you know, the usual “London” audience with all the white faces!

  84. 84
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    By the Nine Gods, in fact!

  85. 85
    Queen, drones and workers says:

    Hive got an idea. Can we join the Bee team?

  86. 86
    Queen, drones and workers says:

    Ode to Larry

    Ed is red
    Ed is a twat
    You’ll get more sense
    From the No. 10 cat
    (than Dave)

    Carol Ann Duffer (age 59)

  87. 87
    William says:

    Give up the day job. You’re too talented to be doing anything but writing.


  88. 88
    disgusted of tunbridge wells says:

    Dave Cam hairy hoover – what are you on?

  89. 89
    disgusted of tunbridge wells says:

    Too much rich food Gordon.

  90. 90
    disgusted of tunbridge wells says:

    Lumpy Turk Beans, say what you really mean, stop the waffling.

  91. 91
    Tel E. Caster says:

    Please tell me you’ve never had children.

  92. 92
    Tel E. Caster says:

    Something illegal no doubt.

  93. 93
    Oh, really? says:

    That wasn’t that bad.

  94. 94
    Ciaran Goggins says:

    I am unble to write poetry, but when it comes to writing fairy tales I am in a league of my own. Are you aware I founded Stop Deaths in Police Custody and organised both Brixton Riots? Not forgeting of course my campaign to free Ched Evans the convicted Sheffield United rapist.

  95. 95

    Do the “politics of envy” never become tiresome for you?

  96. 96

    Surely a candidate for genetic screening? In the interests of our nation, this individual should be immediately removed from the gene pool……

  97. 97
    Hmmm says:

    Guido would say ‘don’t give up the day job’, but with the hunt on for safe seat, he’s not sure Boris is listening…

    Guido got censored by his own modbot?

  98. 98
    Norma Stitz says:

    Harry Mount’s collection of Boris-isms is a classic, had me laughing out loud in Waterstones. A tenner well spent, recommended.

  99. 99
    Ciaran Goggins says:

     My ancestors were High Queens Of Ireland for centuries when Mrs Schleswig-Holstein were swine herding in Thuringia. Now sadly I am but a penny less unemployed retired rentboy with a hoop like the Blackwall Tunnel.

  100. 100
    Ciaran Goggins says:

    If one buys Prosecco one ought never to admit it in case people assume you are an old queen like me.

  101. 101

    Here is one for you Guido. Check out the Court Of Appeal and a case concerning ex Det Cons Kingston, O’Connell and Reynolds. Bad boys “the Groovy Gang” but far worse the bent ex cop who perjured them, Derek Haslam.

  102. 102
    Ciaran Fail Goggins says:

    My problem is I have no understanding of the criminal courts process and cannot distinguish between an appeal and a trial. I have been told in an appeal the appellants can put forward any old bollocks unsubstanciated or not but it does not mean the appeal court judges accept it. In this case for instance it is not even being considered. Looks like I have made a c’unt of myself yet again, oh dear!

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Alan Milburn says Labour’s scaremongering campaign for an unreformed NHS will not win election…

“It would be a fatal mistake, in my view, for Labour to go into this election looking as though it is the party that would better resource the National Health Service but not necessarily put its foot to the floor when it comes to reforming. Look, reforms are not easy, but the Labour Party is not a conservative party. It should be about moving things forward not preserving them in aspic. You have got a pale imitation actually of the 1992 general election campaign, and maybe it will have the same outcome. I don’t know.”

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