April 30th, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: What Did Axelrod Make of That?

“Guys, we’re going to need money. And a message. Attractive people would be good. Not you. Or you, you or you. And a leader, who’s the leader? You got a leader? The one down there now with the teeth and the finger jive? The eight-year-old? Okay, we’re going to need the army as well, does that work over here? Can we get the army? We’re going need the army.”

There are some out there hoping the American will make Ed Miliband into Obama. He made a start today. In the tributes to fallen troops he pronounced lieutenant as lootenant.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single stumble.

Oh, it’s a long way to go. Obama has a gift for elevated sentiments, if nothing else. That’s what got him into the White House. The audacity of soap. Big language. Soaring thoughts. Ed Miliband lacks the audacity of soap.

The Royal Mail sale, for instance. “Everything about this privatisation stinks,” he said. Stinks. Everything stinks. It’s the language of a disappointed child.

He had some debating points, including a joke – the man who ran the lucky hedge fund which got 20 times the shares of anyone else – he’d been George Osborne’s best man. How was it decided who got what?

It’s a good question, and would have gained purchase with a cool manner and forensic pauses. But Miliband prefers to go through his question-cycle in a fixed crescendo heading for his great climax: “Everything stinks.”

But once again, it was all about Bercow.

The Speaker has been lubricating the Tories since Christmas, following their Winter Uprising. He lost control, if you remember. Since then he’s been oiling them up like a Bangkok hussy, to make them like him.

Thus, he loudly and elaborately upbraided Labour’s Fiona Mactaggart for her barracking. He reminded us with great deliberation that she had been to Cheltenham Ladies College, and caused great Tory merriment by doing so. He glanced back a little, to join in the laughter.

The words “Cheltenham Ladies College” have a very powerful effect on Labour ears. It’s an election-loser in a Labour marginal. It is a wholly unwarrantable for a Speaker to make political points, and entirely typical way the little bully behaves.

To get some comparison, imagine him saying to a Sloane-sounding Tory, “I know you only went to a grammar school and that they didn’t teach you any manners there, but . . . ”

Both a bully and a snob, you see.

A coda to the Tory story: When he made Cameron sit down, and Cameron said, “I haven’t finished yet!” there was a full 10 seconds of Tory backbench cheering. A wealth of mutinous anger was released by Cameron’s riposte, showing the underlying animosity is still there.

It is still possible there will be a cry against him, when the House resumes after the next election. That’s the audacity of hope.

At the end of the session, the Speaker made a statement. The Clerk of the House is resigning. The man with the great George V beard and sparkling, rather dangerous eyes.

“He can’t stand being screamed at by Bercow any more,” said those who know about these things.

Robert Rogers has been a great driving force behind the modernisation of the House of Commons, and has had some great victories on its behalf. It was his paper that Bercow implemented for livening the place up with Urgent Questions and SO24s. But in manner, education, dress, deportment, he is everything that Bercow fears, resents, admires, longs for, and can never have.


  1. 1
    Sal E Bercow says:

    Come outside and say that.


  2. 2
    All the world says:

    who dropped that – that stinks


  3. 3
    Mr Squeaker says:

    I wish my wife would use some WD40 when she buckles up.


  4. 4
    Loo Tenant says:

    Miliband has a long way to go.


  5. 5
    Ed Milliband says:

    Ed Milliband


  6. 6
    Robert says:

    Axlerod was the name of the villain in Cars 2, presenting a friendly and compassionate front whilst secretly harboring a disgust for the masses. Seems a good fit for Miliband


    • 13
      Slash says:

      Come back, Axl, all is forgiven!


      • 72
        táxpáyér says:

        Since Mr BrownStone’s Breakdown, everyone seems out ta get me. Don’t they know I’m one in a million? I tell Balls “Don’t Cry” but it only raises his appetite for Destruction, he really needs to learn some patience. I think If Labour win it will lead to Civil War, they should learn to live and let die.


    • 104
      pigs in space says:

      Axelrod was voiced by Eddie Izzard no less. The film also has characters called Guido, and Sally, voiced by Bonnie Hunt.


  7. 7
    Hedge Fund manager says:

    It’s worth repeating the question of how many shares did Labour MPs buy if they knew Royal Mail was undervalued.


    • 36
      broderick crawford says:



    • 60
      Swings and roundabouts says:

      Labour resentment runs deeper than the recent IPO itself.

      The Labour government had the chance to float off a humdinger in a once buoyant economy, even planned to do so, but couldn’t get it’s act together.

      Even the name/brand change on Labour’s watch (remember Consignia?) was a fiasco.

      Such failure rankles, and the IPO is an unwelcome reminder of how they messed up.


  8. 8
    C O (Ξ7q1) says:

    Miliband’s gravitas = Contralto beaker.

    Axelrod has more work to do: Changing leader could be a good start.


    • 15
      jgm2 says:


      Don’t change Useless Ned. They might find somebody less useless. Admittedly that wouldn’t be difficult but then, when you look at the Labour front bench you begin to see that from the limited gene pool they have to work with it actually <i.is more difficult than you would think.

      Yvette Cooper will make a great leader of the opposition in July 2015 though.


      • 23
        C O (Ξ7q1) says:

        Even with a good leader Labour cannot win now.

        It might help calm some of their trolls and activists down if they have something slightly more credible to follow and wank over at CiF.

        Mr Axelrod should be given a fair chance to practice his craft. For him, working on Miliband is like asking Da Vinci to craft and image of David from Play Dough.


    • 37
      broderick crawford says:

      Advance noble Chukka your birthright awaits.


      • 40
        broderick crawford says:

        Tha bloke next to Axelgrease looks like the dude from ” The Thick of it ” who got done for kiddie whatsit it and that .


  9. 9
    Ed Miliband says:

    Mah fellow Amurrikins, I sh’like to speak today in pladitudes. Yeah, pladitudes. For it is pladitudes that made this great cunnry of ours, pladitudes that (continues…….)


    • 11
      Ed miliband says:

      The folks I meet on the sidewalk are fed up with the garbage from Cameron and his rootin tootin low down no good posse of a party.


  10. 12
    "He lost control, if you remember." says:


    But I do remember it’s what you wanted people to believe.

    Who the fuck are you anyway?

    A Greedo fuck buddy?


  11. 14
    Anonymous says:



    • 18
      jgm2 says:

      It’s at times like this that it would be nice to live in the big city. Out here in the countryside nobody bothers walking door-to-door because there’s about 1/4 mile between doors.

      If I lived in the big city I’d have the satisfaction of telling c*unts like this to ‘FUCK OFF’ loudly and to their face.


      • 29
        The Reds, The Reds, e've got to get rid of the Reds says:

        They don’t actually go door to door as such. They never try to explain their policies or ask for opinions.

        They gather in some street and have their photo taken and then go and visit the houses where they think they will be met with their own supporters. They then try to get hold of their postal votes to stop them changing their minds. This is what they call ‘campaigning’.


    • 19
      Morally And Financially Bankrupt Local Councils - Parking Ticket Anyone says:

      Not more potholes!


    • 20
      The Ugly Stick says:

      Who’s the dumper truck?


    • 22
      Ed miliband says:

      Apart from the young man/woman at the front that crowd makes UKIP supporters look positively young.


      • 76
        táxpáyér says:

        The Milliband Youth…


      • 109
        Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

        …yess, I wondered too: is that a rather comely young lad whose moobs would grace the manboob site’s top ten, or …?
        I’m all confused now: do I like pretty-ish men (with moobs), but don’t like rather plain, rather poached-eggy women with lantern jaws?
        And, Dr., is there a cure for it? And how much…


        • 110
          Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

          … and with size 10 feet.
          Dr., do you reckon I’m beginning to get Transphilia?


    • 25
      Anonymous says:

      Where’s Chukka in this photo?


      • 107
        pigs in space says:

        He’s not going to hang around with trash and C-list wannabes like that. Too much of a cheesey vibe.


    • 27
      Mornington Crescent says:

      Ye G0ds, they aren’t legs, they’re telegraph poles.

      Seriously, though, what a motley crew. The ‘lumpenproletariat’ personified. If they’re the winners, I really don’t want to see the losers.


    • 30
      Bachelor boy says:

      Emily Thornbury is Labour’s porcine version of the bellowing Soubry. She just looks, as my kids say, mean.


      • 46
        Di-Ann Fatbutt says:

        This is why we need to tackle the obesity crisis overwhelming us……well Emily and me innit


      • 58
        Den Kod says:

        If my dog was that ugly I’d shave it’s 4rse and teach it to walk backwards.

        Or is it a negative contact print of Diane Fatabotomus?


    • 31
      Caption comp says:

      Emily getting down with the grass roots dandelions and weeds of the Labour party.


    • 35
      Gok Wan says:

      Seventies Retro is so last year.


    • 39
      Ed (Too Fat must Fast for Flat Waistline) Balls says:

      Why aren’t they at work FFS!


    • 48
      broderick crawford says:

      Not a looker among them — unless you re into the mature granny on the left who still looks good for her age .


    • 68
      Idon'tneednodoctor says:

      The slab has just cracked under Thornberry’s weight.


    • 90
      One flew over the cuckoo nest. says:

      The one on the extreme right, “Juicy fruit”.


    • 92
      Bosun Higgs says:

      Why aren’t they at work?


    • 99
      Cheeky sod says:

      I thought Michael winner was dead….


    • 118

      That’s unusual, Normally, when Labour goes canvassing it’s after dark and they all wear black leather jackets.


    • 121
      Herbert Marcuse says:

      Who are dough legs and the trannie?


  12. 16
    Wassup says:


    Ah yes, the land of simple English, why complicate words like colour with a very tricky ‘u’


    • 24
      Ed Miliyank says:

      Why indeed. Why follow cricket when you can follow baseball?


    • 28
      Fishy says:

      Be fair.

      He doesn’t have an English oak tree in his DNA, and he probably needs to sick with ‘lootenant’ as he continues his family journey from Poland to Bolshevik Russia to Belgium to Britain and probably (soon) to the USA.


    • 52
      broderick crawford says:

      …. and in the land of the free when we go to run some water we use the faucet !!

      and the item of clothing we pull up over our legs and tie with a belt we call strides ( although it helps if you say that with an australian accent ).


      • 57
        Deadinda Warta says:

        I think you’ll find it’s “pants”, as in ” How was RetardEds performance today, Axlegrease?”

        “It was motherfu€king PANTS!!!!!”


      • 93
        Nocturnal Carbon Emissions says:

        In the land of the not so free they nick land off the Red Indians then charge ranchers for letting their cattle feed on grass that the government never plant.

        mmmmm not a bad scam, almost Nigerian in its thought process.


        • 111
          Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

          92 … and that’s ‘free’ as in ‘free to create Monopolies and Cartels; free to extinguish competition by fair means or foul'; and, of course, free to treat your friends and your enemies as equals.


  13. 21
    Chris The Leatherman says:

    The only good thing to say about Bercow is that he isn’t Michael Martin Labour’s place man.


  14. 26
    C O (Ξ7q1) says:

    @OR: Grid has worked – average temperatures for SST grid points showing usual patterns, but there is something in the data that may set the conspiracy nuts off.

    Never realized that shipping patterns in the Indian ocean just happen to form reasonably well defined pentagrams if you plot the aggregate of the routes month by month… odd ;-)


    • 38
      Thanks a lot you fucking enviromental C*nts says:

      The eco loons have given politicians something they have dreamt of for hundreds of years.
      An even better whizz than the window tax,an excuse to tax the air we breath no less.
      Science will not put that shit back in the horse now doesn’t matter how right it is.


    • 69
      Ockham's Razor says:

      Noted plus your previous post today on this. Very small grid! Accuracy should benefit.

      Am out again early tonight for dinner at the local theatre restaurant. Have some great friends here, the English seem hugely popular, especially when one mentions something that might be regarded as non-PC to England’s BBC sub-specie set.

      Tomorrow hope to get back to the Adriatic so little from me again.

      Oh dear. So BW was right all along. I will go the long way back and do suitable penance by sticking a piece of paper in the Waling Wall for him. Great pity I shaved my ZZ Top beard off last month too… :-D


      • 81
        C O (Ξ7q1) says:

        Safe journey – I shall be posting up on uTube, and likely a couple of those here.

        Combining the ICOADS with SST is what I am really interested in – but want to do some deeper investigation of the ICOADS data first.

        Grid is small, the reason is to eliminate variances due to appreciable differences in input solar energy: At the resolution this is running at, other than the area being reasonable, the total amount of solar energy will also be equal: Should prevent any undue, and allow a fair comparison with the land based data.

        The software / procedure I have put together allows changing the grid properties and subsequent processing to be done with minimum fuss: The only problem appears to be time to generate. There are a lot of numbers to crunch :-)


  15. 32
    allandray says:

    When he became Speaker in 2009 Bercow said he wouldn’t stay in the post longer than 7 or 8 years which will take him up to 2017. If he goes back on that promise I can see him being the first Speaker voted out of office since Manners-Sutton in 1835. If Labour win in 2015 they will of course ensure he continues in The Chair for as long as possible.


    • 41
      Blue Peter Goldfish says:

      What I cannot understand is why nobody has punched his lights out yet (in the HOC).


  16. 42
    Anonymous says:

    Lootenant? Any ful kno it’s pronounced Cholmondley-Featherstonehaugh.


    • 51
      Lt Cockburn-Bothamripp says:

      That’s my gay hussar.


    • 63
      Banana Republic Britain says:

      There’s no ‘e’ after the ‘n’ in Fetherstonhaugh and unless you’re a complete wanker that’s how it’s pronounced.


      • 94
        Bosun Higgs says:

        It’s Irish placenames that make me Waoghaire.


        • 113
          Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

          There was a young lady from Lympne,
          Who thought she was frightfully slympne…
          … it was the Telephone that destroyed our wayward English way of pronouncing place-names, particularly, in non-phonetic ways. I’ve got, somewhere, a whole book of ‘Loopy Limericks’ that depend on one’s knowing how to pronounce Cirencester, for instance.
          By the way, down ‘ere, Featherstonehaugh is always either pronouinced ‘feest’nhay’ or ‘foon’


          • Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

            … beforeall you other pedants jump in, ‘pronouinced’ is an attempt at representing the ‘correct’ pronunciation of that Participle.


          • Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

            … ‘beforeall’ is, as you will have realised, a nod in the direction of Southern States: cf. ‘y’all’.


  17. 45
    Ed Miliband Mk II says:

    Sup? I be payin tributes to dat Lootenant. Mad respect to him and his homeboys. For real. This whole Western Union, I mean Royal Mail bizness just stinks, yo.


  18. 50
    Fruitcake and swivel eyed loony enjoying the utter panic says:

    Lindsay Hoyle.


  19. 53
    Tony Blair, Blood Money Millionaire says:

    Doesn’t matter if you say lootenant or leftenant, either way it’s just more money in my pocket. What is important is!


  20. 56
    Ed Miliband says:

    I am a young lootenant in Vietnam and my buddy steps on a booby trap and gets blown up.
    He’s shoutin “Eddy Eddy I cant feel my legs” and I’m like trying to find his legs but I cant…that’s when I wake up and realise its just a dream.
    Heck I’m not even American let alone have the balls to be in the Army.


  21. 61
    nell says:

    ‘lootenant’ and ‘stinks’ Dear oh Dear!

    Well lets face it apart from being disastrously useless with the economy labour were never any good at education either


    • 66
      Major E D 'king Milliband says:

      Ah’m recitin’ off this here script ma good buddy Ax-el-rod done give me….10-4?


    • 89
      Prescott's chipolata says:

      Nell, I too was waiting for the idiot to mispronounce lieutenant – just as Brown always did. Can’t inspire much confidence with our forces can it?


      • 97
        nell says:

        Let’s be honest it isn’t just militwit’s mispronunciation of Lieutenant that leaves the Armed Forces disenchanted with labour.

        Labour’s sending them into the illegal Iraq War on a fabricated pretext without proper preparation, body armour, decent arms or vehicles with complete disregard for the safety of our lads.

        Brown’s vendetta against bliar that he extended to starving the Armed Forces of funds for decent helicopters, causing so many deaths, in the hope the war would fail and so embarrass bliar and build his own corrupt case for leadership of the labour party

        Brown’s completely irreverent behaviour at that now infamous Remembrance Sunday as PM…

        I could go on but that paints the picture!


  22. 62
    catesby says:

    The Labour Party will one day disappear after the Tories then we can have some genuine democracy. Forget Axelknob.


    • 74
      nell says:

      The original Labour Party which was founded for the benefit of the Working Classes has already disappeared. What we have now is a socialist millionaire elite intent upon feathering their own nests and with as much interest in the real working classes as I have in travelling to the moon!


  23. 75
    Idon'tneednodoctor says:

    Yet again Miliband bleats on about the Royal Mail sell off. What he doesn’t say is what the exact share price should have been the day the shares were floated on the market.
    It’s the same with energy prices, too high says Miliband, but he doesn’t tell us what we should be paying per kwh for gas and electricity.
    Miliband the opportunist hypocrite and general numpty.


    • 101
      nell says:

      Well of course to make an educated statement about possible share prices or to understand the fluctuations of energy prices and manipulations of the energy market you’d need to be an economist . But then we’re talking about labour here and they have an incontrovertible proven track record of catastrophic management of the Armed Forces, the Health Service, Education and ….Yes you’ve got it The Economy!!!


  24. 77
    Gordon Brown says:

    PMQ’s often ends up leaving one or the other either in the pink or in the stink.


  25. 79
    nell says:

    It brings us back to the conclusion that militwit is an impressionable sponge – he simply absorbs the phrases he’s fed by his minders and proceeds to utter them at every opportunity.

    It’s like teaching a child to read by rote – they don’t understand the words only the sounds that are coming out of their mouth.


  26. 85

    This man is a born leader. Trouble is, he doesn’t have many followers. Innit?


  27. 88
    Gooey Blob says:

    What a job, counsel to the polyclot himself, Ed the Unready. Advisor to the inadvisable. If Axelrod fancied a challenge he really should have taken up knitting gravy.


  28. 91
    The Dodgy Visa School of English says:


  29. 100
    Dick Shonnery-Corner says:

    You say potato and I say tornadoe. Subway or toob?


    • 117
      Jethro (from The Priory, on my Cocoa-tin) says:

      99 …or even ‘The Underground’. By the way, ‘Tube’ is not pronounced, or even pronouinced, to rhyme with (ahem) boob (‘…a common word for a mistake, Deirdre…’), but is better represented perhaps by ‘tee-oob’ : almost (but not quite) ‘chewbb’.


  30. 102
    Max says:

    If only I’d been a big prick. I might have got away with it.


  31. 103
    nell says:

    I can just here a ukipper saying ‘I haven’t got anything against the americans it’s just that they’re yanks’ !

    ‘Yanks’ of course was a widely used derogatory term during WW2 here in England but political correctness had not permeated every pore of social life then. Yanks then, were loved and hated in equal measure and everyone spoke their mind openly. Oh for the days!


  32. 105
    Rabid dribbler says:

    Bercow, what a pleb…


  33. 106
    Ed Milli-cock says:

    Pleathe be sewious about the coth of living cwithith


    • 119
      Jethro (chanelling E.M. on my cocoa-tin... from The Priory) says:

      105 I compwained to Nanny, only latht month, that the Themolina had been thick and lumpy on thwee occathionth, latewee: I told her it wath deeolly time thee pulled her thockth up. Geth what? Thee thwettened me with her fitht, ath well ath her gweat callouthed hand. ‘Thee thith, Mathter Edward?’, thee thaid,’Thith ith the hand that thmakcth, Mathter Edward: thith ith the hand that maketh you cwy.’
      Tho I thaid, ‘Itth all wight, Nanny: I’ll eat the themolina now.’
      But, do you know what thee did? Thee thaid, ‘Thatth the boy: but Nannyth thmacking hand will thill make you cwy


  34. 129
    Oh, really? says:

    What the hell? What’s Ali Bongo the ‘caught’ magician doing with Kevin Webster off Coronation street?


  35. 134
    Jock E. Shorts says:

    Axelrod. Hmm.
    Given that Ed has difficulty with pronunciation – (‘lootenant’ indeed!), maybe he actually meant to appoint Dyno Rod, or Axlegrease?
    Or, since the wheels are already in the process of coming off, maybe the party finally recognizes that urgent maintenance is long overdue.


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,647 other followers