April 11th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Lampshade Bercow Edition)


  1. 1
    Maria Von Kneejerken says:

    Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch

  2. 2
    nell says:

    Does this lampshade make me look taller

  3. 3
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    Bercows hat steals the show at first gay wedding

  4. 4

    Bercow gaffes again: photographed in front of old Monday Club symbol.

  5. 5
    frank says:

    What “Gay Mafia”?

  6. 6
    Maria Von Kneejerken says:

    Nigel Evan’s two newest arseistants put the Speaker under the spotlight

  7. 7
    Steve says:

    I remain in the shade … unlike Sally.

  8. 8

    Dangerous liaisons put Speaker in the shade

  9. 9
    The Last Quango says:

    Bercow thinks if a new idea!

  10. 10
    Nigel Farage doppelganger says:

    The lights are on but no one is at home

  11. 11
    Mitch says:

    The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

  12. 12
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    New gay marriage venue has unusual lampstand.

  13. 13
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    Bercow in shock threesome with gay siamese twins

  14. 14
    Young Lad says:

    I had that Nigel Evans down my trousers once.

  15. 15
    Justin McGuirk says:

    Is John Bercow saying “Gay Marriage, out of ORDER, ORDER.”

  16. 16
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    Bercow throws reception for Nigel Evans Jury

  17. 17
    Anonymous says:

    Remember fellas, talk and look at the lampshade. We’ll CGI his height in later.

  18. 18
    John Bercow says:

    The wife stands under a lamp post, so why shouldn’t I?

  19. 19
    Amy says:

    Who is this funny little man?

  20. 20
    Ah! first attempt says:

    Becow celebrates the almost successful Eagle sisters sex change.

  21. 21
    Mike Litorus says:

    You might laugh, but it is better than where Dave wanted to stick it.

  22. 22
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    Bercow say there is no truth in the saying “Two Swallows don’t make a summer”

  23. 23
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    In Bercows case the lights were on but no one was home

  24. 24
    Ah! poor attempt says:

    Four badges and a weasel

  25. 25
    Good Godwin Almighty says:

    And somehow, Bercow standing under a lampshade is just wrong on so many levels, being a Joo and all…

  26. 26
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Sally had gone away and two “nephews” came to stay.

  27. 27
    R. Spandit says:

    Sore-arses and short-arse.

  28. 28
    Poof on the left says:

    May we use you as a dildo?

  29. 29
    John Prescott says:

    Thank God I didn’t wear my platform boots, I’d be wearing that thing.

  30. 30
    Brother York says:

    How many members of the Coalition Government does it take to change a light bulb? 5!

    1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

    2. One to attack anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.

    3. One to blame the previous Government for burning out the light bulb.

    4. One Government insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Cameron was literally in the dark.

    Finally…5. One to confuse all of us about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

  31. 31
    Dave says:

    You missed out the one who has to ask Brussels if we’re allowed to change the light bulb.

  32. 32
    Brother York says:


    How many Parliamentary aides does it take to change Bercow’s light bulb? None, they like to keep him in the dark.

  33. 33
    Ah! maybe says:

    Thinks **** “A night of aversion therapy with Sally, perhaps?”

  34. 34
    jgm2 says:

    John Bercow wins the E-Bay auction for Princess Eugenie’s latest hat.

  35. 35
    Dr Julian Lewis says:

    John shows of his new “alternative” to sally

  36. 36
    was it something I said? says:

    John Bercow wins the E-Bay auction for Princess Eugenie’s latest

  37. 37
    was it something I said? says:

    John Bercow wins the E-Bay auction for Princess Eugenie’s latest hat.

  38. 38
    was it something I said? says:

    They look like arse-in-ists to me.

  39. 39
    Gok Wan says:

    Dahling – no tie; buttoned-up shirt; no belt! It’s simply ghastly!

  40. 40
    Lily Marlene says:

    “Underneath the lamp post by the married gays”

    (DISCLAIMER: I have no idea who those 2 lads are; just guessing this has something to do with gay marriage based on the comments above!)

  41. 41
    Ah! Guardian says:

    Westminster’s Sex and Sleaze Culture

  42. 42
    vernier-microscope says:

    Bercow wins bigest prick contest. (Just)

  43. 43
    Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead says:

    “I like to watch.”

  44. 44
    Ah! Good Evans says:

    ” Lads, I was supposed to enter the witness box, but…… no ladders”

  45. 45
    Dr. Mephestos says:

    “Lets teach Sally a lesson”

  46. 46
    James Carragher says:

    Bercow – speaker with the light touch…

  47. 47
    John Berkow says:

    “I’ll show Sally who’s vanilla”

  48. 48
    was it something I said? says:

    It looks like a Rich and Mark Cartoon except I can read the helpful name badges.

    Is it supposed to be Eric Pickles and Diane Abbott?

  49. 49
    Ah! one way or another says:

    A cock ring.

  50. 50
    was it something I said? says:

    FFS ‘can’t’. Can’t read the name badges.

  51. 51
    James Carragher says:

    Bercow – speaker with the light touch…..

  52. 52
    Anonymous says:

    Two’s company,Three’s much more fun.

  53. 53
    Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead says:

    “I always like my young friends to help me decide whether it’s a time for a screw or a bayonet.”

  54. 54
    Poet's day says:

    “it may be short, but it is intact”

  55. 55
    Gok Wan says:

    No, it’s William FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzWilliam.

  56. 56

    Rumours of desperate attempts to give Bercow an idea have been strenuously denied by the Speaker’s Office.

  57. 57
    John says:

    Stars announced for new movie: Fifty Lampshades of Gay

  58. 58

    Have you read my new blog? L’Ampp3d! (h/t Daily Mirror!)

  59. 59
    Tony says:

    Underneath the lamplight. Apologies to
    Lili Marlene

  60. 60
    Rickytshirt says:

    A tiny UFO descends to take Bercow back to his home planet.

  61. 61
    Labouring Under An Illusion says:

    The Berk: “Why is it only gays that can wear name tags these days?”

  62. 62
    was it something I said? says:

    It only needs a Pole and a Gypsy and you’d have complete lampshade set.

  63. 63
    dave's wobbly jowls says:

    Communards come back, still shite.

  64. 64
    The Cheshire Cat says:

    Berk: ” And where do I tie the knot?”

  65. 65
    JRizzle says:

    Of course you can call us Sally, darling.

  66. 66
    Gulp says:


    ” I now pronounce you…………him & him”

  67. 67
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Brothers in arms. All of ‘em. Sad fuckers.

  68. 68
    Eurocrat says:

    You’re only allowed to change it for a non-incandescent light bulb, otherwise it’s an unlimited fine and a prison sentence. We have our priorities right here at the EU.

  69. 69
    R. Spandit says:

    Uranus ?

  70. 70
    JohnM says:

    As the Policeman said, “Halo;halo; halo”

  71. 71
    Genesis 1:3 says:

    And God said, Let there be shite: and there was shite

  72. 72
    Rickytshirt says:

    What do you mean you want to see my ‘woolsack’?

  73. 73
    Anonymous says:

    Playing gooseberry again.

  74. 74
    Bob Geldof says:

    I don’t like Mondays especially not now.

  75. 75
    Tooth fairy says:

    Tweedledum & Tweedledee meets the dormouse.

  76. 76
    Anonymous says:

    And at that light bulb moment, the movement towards gay marriage was evolved.

  77. 77
    Michael Fallon's approach says:

    You might think they are but nobody in this photograph is gay. They are happily married fellas (not to each other of course) and have tons of ankle biters in their totally separate marital homes. Not at all gay; not a chance.

    (By the way, black is white and the sale of Royal Mail was tremendous value for the taxpayer. Tell Sid.)

  78. 78
    Douglas Denny Ukip says:

    Very abnormal

  79. 79
    Maria Miller's approach says:

    How did he manage to get that lovely lamp and those lovely large, pale bookends on expenses. How do I get mine (mine, mine, mine; all mine)?

  80. 80
    ned ludd says:

    Oooh! You boys make me so light-headed!

  81. 81
    Simples says:

    Just a shade over 5 ft

  82. 82
    Quis custodiet says:

    Come on you two, this lampshade is full of mistletow – honest!

  83. 83
    Ships Bottom says:

    Illuminated shirtlifter with mini loudspeaker

  84. 84
    David Cameron's approach says:

    John Bercow is doing a tremendous job even though he pretends to marry gays when he doesn’t have the power to carry out any sort of marriage. I fully support him and won’t be calling on him to resign; he can count on my continuing, steadfast and full support (this week).

  85. 85
    was it something I said? says:

    The last picture of John Bercow before the Saturn rocket engine ignited.

  86. 86
    Editor's approach says:

    That’s enough approaches and get those Irons off the front page.

  87. 87
    I'll put this on expenses says:

    John takes up the John Lewis offer, buy-one-get-one-free.

  88. 88
    Ships Bottom says:


    Illuminated shirtlifters with mini loudspeaker

  89. 89
    Anonymous says:

    Room for a small one?

  90. 90
    Anonymous says:

    Looking at that winsome threesome it’s more likely to be ” Underneath The Arches”.

  91. 91
    Qui spellit says:



  92. 92
    Dr Spooner says:

    40 watt over haughty twat

  93. 93
    Anonymous says:

    Less light, more shade.

  94. 94
    Ring Christopher says:

    Or yours. I’m easy…

  95. 95
    was it something I said? says:

    Good one.

  96. 96
    Anonymous says:

    Quorum for the Nigel Evans Fan Club.

  97. 97
    You have to be old enough to remember says:

    I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy. Oh it’s you Mr Bercow. Welcome to Bona Lawmaking.

  98. 98
    atticusfinch104 says:

    swap you can have Sally as I can tell you she is hung like a donkey

  99. 99
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I am the weenie of the lamp!

    Oh..I just rubbed this lampshade and appeared!
    Wonder what happens if you rub the pole?

    The CPS comes.

  100. 100
    Steve says:

    In or out?

  101. 101
    Dr Spooner says:

    Passengers for Sodom – alight here

  102. 102
    Welshracer says:

    “oh hello, my name is Julian and this is my friend Sandy, as for Europe, we are out out out”

  103. 103
    Homosexuality will soon be compulsory says:

    If Sally Bercow was your wife wouldn’t you want to go gay?

  104. 104
    Sapho says:

    Passengers for Sodom – alight here

  105. 105
    Genesis 1:3 says:


  106. 106
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Can you guess which show Sally wanted to go on after providing John with another dirty weekend?

  107. 107
    Grimy Miner says:

    ^^^ This x1000

  108. 108
    Ed Green says:

    Which one do you want?

  109. 109
    Betty Boothroyd says:

    The Speaker is supposed to wear tights – not lights !

  110. 110
    Anonymous says:

    Bercows sloppy seconds anyone?.

  111. 111
    News as Soap says:

    I say chaps did you spot me looking down on the Irish President?

  112. 112
    Charter says:

    Bercow: ” Did I hear you say – Your Hope – In or Out?”

  113. 113
    Oooooh Ducky says:

    Two lads who most certianly caught the Speaker’s eye

  114. 114
    Ships Bottom says:

    Illuminated shirtlifting tool next to 2 tools and a speaker tool.

  115. 115
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    John found that the Nigel hadn’t finished clearing his office when he left in a hurry.

  116. 116
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    A clear signal was given that Nigel return was immanent.

  117. 117
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Modern politics is a pain in the are.

  118. 118
    Gay Lifestyle says:

    The groom and groom wore name tags so they could remember who they were.

  119. 119
    Can't touch this says:

    In the Darth Lords voice:

    “Cum into the light”

    Get it? :-P

  120. 120
    The Vicar of Westminster says:

    50s shades of gay

  121. 121
    Fib Dem Media Guru says:

    Who rubbed the lamp? Your wish is my command

  122. 122
    Anonymous says:

    or a bummer

  123. 123
    Lily Marlene says:

    I retract my own entry above – this one now has my full backing! :D

  124. 124
    Rickytshirt says:

    Bercow takes a wrong turn and stumbles into the House of Gaylords

  125. 125
    B3 says:

    While You’re down there…….

  126. 126
    Quis custodiet says:


  127. 127
    Anonymous says:

    Bercow: “Look at that boys, that’s the first erection I’ve had since I married Sally.”

  128. 128
    Veritas says:

    The Speaker holds his own with gays.

  129. 129
    Barry says:

    No, we don’t know who he is either. He just keeps shouting “We’ll be here as long as it takes”.

  130. 130
    Light & Shade says:

    Coalition celebrates ‘lighting the way’ on same-sex marriage by presenting couples with commemorative ‘Speaker’s Lamp’

  131. 131
    Gez says:

    When Sally Bercow entered the room John hoped his new perma-tanning machine had made him dark enough for her to fancy him. Instead she cast her eyes upon two young men who immediately pretended to be gay.

  132. 132
    Straight Talker says:

    The Speaker provides a sneak preview of his Xmas card 2014.

    Due to budget cuts no halo could be provided;further cuts prevented a full cast being available. Due to a mix up,the wrong scripts were provided. The Speaker appears to be an angel but is in fact portraying Norman Bates. His colleagues are supposed to be the Virgin Mary and Joseph but are in fact playing roles from Brokeback Mountain……. Who shot up the sheriff I wonder?

  133. 133
    was it something I said? says:

    Colin and Justin couldn’t wait to get started on a style makeover of the Speaker’s residence.

  134. 134
    Hannibal says:

    Only “enlightened” straights allowed at this party.

  135. 135
    niall says:

    The newlyweds had were beginning to regret not having a wedding list after recieving their bercow lamp.

    How do you turn this lamp off???

  136. 136
    Bill Quango MP says:

    By the power invested in me, as the Speaker, I pronounce you husband and..erm.. husband..You may now kiss the ..erm..each other..

  137. 137
    Greig Markham says:

    Let them do what they want. I still have Long Tall Sally for a dirty weekend :))

  138. 138
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Bercow was delighted when Ocado messed up his order of two small beers..

  139. 139
    dragon says:

    Speaker organises photocall to mark his latest bright idea.

  140. 140
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Bercow – yes,as a matter of fact I do like gladiator movies. Why do you ask?

  141. 141
    matt says:

    I can’t deep throat that

  142. 142
    Bill Quango MP says:

    ” Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?”

    “I am standing up!”

  143. 143
    PR says:

    You chaps stand behind me and to my right and I’ll pose, like this, under the table lamp.

  144. 144
    toxic red lead says:

    Bercow just wanted to let you know, how low I can stoop.

  145. 145
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Now..to give you your SPAD names…hmmm.! I shall call you “The Honourable member” … And you …”Big Ben”.

  146. 146
    Tooth fairy says:

    What does the Conservative Party offer two working class kids from Rochdale?

    They glue them together, to compromise their social mobility.

  147. 147
    John Bercow is a gurning idiot says:

    Mr. Squeaker explains that the ladder on his coat of arms represents his love of everything to do with gardening uphill.

  148. 148
    mike says:

    Am I single, God no, I’m with errm, I’m with errm Sally here. We’re an item, been together ages. Single, ha, no, good God no. Not much to look at but I’m definitely taken.

  149. 149
    John Bercow is a gurning idiot says:

    Jonathan Ross announces his new house band, Two Poofs and a Poison Dwarf.

  150. 150
    Sally B says:

    That’s what my husband calls a threesome…

  151. 151
    Cynic2 says:

    And Tim Yeo to sell a wind turbine specially designed to power a light bulb in all weather condictions

  152. 152
    John Bercow is a gurning idiot says:

    Big John successfully covers his arousal during Westminster’s first gay marriage.

  153. 153
    Ockham's Razor says:

    That’s a funny place to have a cock.

  154. 154
    Funambulist says:

    With his Time Lord’s helmet firmly glued on, the Interplanetary Speaker successfully entered the Clone Zone.

  155. 155
    Ed Moribund says:

    I have a fantastic joke.

    No wait a minute…I messed that up..

    I meant .. I AM a fantastic joke.

  156. 156
    RIK says:

    Now Burkker me with a lamp shade

  157. 157
    John Bercow is a gurning idiot says:

    John looked to Sally, then to her two nephews. The nephews it was then, by a shade.

  158. 158
    Gay Troll says:

    It’s okay for us to go around groping men’s parts and doing it in public loos and in parks and not taking the age of consent very seriously and doing all the coke and poppers we please. And if you don’t like it, SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT!

  159. 159
    BigTed says:

    “Sally says it isn’t the size that matters – it’s what you do with it that counts”

  160. 160
    Berkow says:

    “I thought we might try something a bit different Sally?”

    Sally: “Er, different?”

  161. 161
    DAVE (Bum Sex for Me) Cameron says:

    Two government junior mincers await the entrance of Black rod while Bercow trys to hide his obvious excitment

  162. 162
    Peter Grant says:

    Of all the MPs who wanted to lamp the Speaker, this probably isn’t what they had in mind.

  163. 163
    Village Idiot says:

    ….Mmmm…..top of my head is tingling,and ,…I think,..maybe..yes, I,m getting an erection!

  164. 164
    KeKe says:

    50 Shades of Bercow

  165. 165
    Larry Grayson says:

    Justin and Tintin

  166. 166
    Village Idiot says:

    …..Whew!!!!!……getting warm in here: ..I can smell poo!

  167. 167
    Peckham Refugee says:


  168. 168
    Captain Panick says:

    The launch of the new Commons confidential hotline for MPs or staff who feel they have been the victim of bullying or harassment by John Bercow is not going well.

  169. 169
    broderick crawford says:

    These lads on my right must have gone to public sshool , judging by the tightness of their embrace ..

  170. 170
    Anonymous says:

    House of Commons am-dram group rehearsing a pantomime based on Alice in Wonderland and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

    We interrupt the scene where Tweedledum and Tweedledee meet Mr. Tumnus under the Lampost.

  171. 171
    Beercow says:

    why on earth has this got an index ‘tag’ with farage’s name on it??

  172. 172
    Michael Larkin says:

    One thinks it’s funny,
    Two oughta know,
    Three make your toes curl,
    put’n on a show.

  173. 173
    sensible says:

    Tinky Winky, LaLa and a table lamp.

  174. 174
    Banzai Pilot says:

    They belong on the sea bed with all the other bottom feeders

  175. 175
    DR says:

    “I love being in the spotlight … “

  176. 176
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Yes – so good you said it twice.

  177. 177
    Displaced Brummie says:

    “Yes, chaps. I know I promised you that Sally would be here to show you her etchings of ‘One wife and her wittol’, but she’s in a bit of a black mood at the moment.”

  178. 178
    legiron says:

    Turning Japanese I think I’m turning Japanese I really think so…

  179. 179
    Working class(white)lad from Rochdale. says:

    Had Bercow been a foot taller, This week’s competition could have been,’ guess whose hiding under the lampshade’.

  180. 180
    Tom Catesby says:

    Tragic! Joined at the hip like that.

  181. 181
    Gary says:

    Have them oiled up and sent to my room, Bercow..

  182. 182
    Enemy of the State says:

    “They get everywhere these days, don’t they?!”

  183. 183
    The original Isacc Hunt says:

    I’m happy with sloppy seconds…

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