April 4th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (How Do You Solve… Edition)


  1. 1
    HairyCornflake says:

    “Yes, of course, it’s locked. You can trust me…”

  2. 2
    McDammit! says:

    “Now where’s a bolt hole when you need one?”

  3. 3
    Garfield says:

    I’m just locking myself into my basement vault so I can count my ill gotten gains.

  4. 4
    Bars Tender says:

    All MPs know: if we lock one up, we’d need to lock most of them up.

  5. 5
    Jake says:

    these are the only bars you will see me behind….

  6. 6
    @tobyornot_ says:

    Designer prison lock for incarcerated MPs

  7. 7
    Disgruntled spad says:

    Maria has shot her bolt.

  8. 8
    Disgruntled spad says:

    Maria fails entrance exam for The Cube.

  9. 9
    Welshracer says:

    The minister leaves the Ministry of Something for nothing Culture, meedia & sport office.

  10. 10
    Maria says:

    Good photoshop Guido, the only bar you’ll find me behind is the champagne bar in the House of Commons!

  11. 11
    Round the Bend says:

    Here’s something else I can fiddle with!!!!

  12. 12
    Hell roast her says:

    The fat cùnt won’t slip through those bars sideways

  13. 13
    Anonymous says:

    Follow my example and ‘borrow’ £90 out of the country’s coffers, make more money out of it, apologise for doing it and pay £8 pound back.

  14. 14
    Anonymous says:

    bolting the jail door after the cow has not bolted

  15. 15
    Say what you see says:


  16. 16
    They're laughing at us says:

    Get out of jail, pass go, collect as much money as you like, laugh at taxpayers

  17. 17
    Kelvin says:

    Mmm.. I recon this could fetch a few quid on Ebay

  18. 18
    Tom says:

    Denis, can you show me the way to open it shut?

  19. 19
    Fishy says:

    Very good!

  20. 20
    I was Hitlers missing bollock says:

    The Grate Escape..

  21. 21
    The Critic says:

    Maria finds open prison a softer option than she expected.

  22. 22
  23. 23
    MayfairMagFan says:

    After 30 seconds in prison, it’s time to leave. I’ll let myself out.

  24. 24
    Liar.Politicians says:

    Not locked but fully loaded – on expenses!

  25. 25
    John Tandy says:

    Time to call in the Police….

  26. 26
    wobble says:

    I wonder how much I could get for this as scrap ?

  27. 27
    Braveheart says:

    “HM Prison Holloway is now my second residence and I’m claiming the mortgage costs on the whole place.”

  28. 28
    Tony Blair says:

    Give her a bung, dear thing

  29. 29
    Tattypuss says:

    Arrogance bar none.

  30. 30
    Gordon Brown says:

    You get the MPs on the cheap these days.

  31. 31
    McShane says:

    You’ll get used to the sound.

  32. 32
    Hoddy says:

    She had better get used to the sound of that closing and the view of bars

  33. 33
    Grumpy old man says:

    Dave’s given me a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card – to keep as my own for ever.

  34. 34
    PC Pleb says:

    You’ll have to use the pedestrian gate.

  35. 35
    The Answer says:

    You only solve the problem by getting rid of this troughing woman who would be up in court if she was causght doing the same thing in the private sector.

  36. 36
    Anonymous says:

    Oh how I love jail time..what fun…not sure whether this is supposed to forced in or slid in easily…Bea can you help with this?

  37. 37
    Poet's day says:

    … come on, it’s better than living in f’ing Basingstoke…

  38. 38
    Ippikin says:

    She’ll be cheaper to keep in jail.

  39. 39
    Mareea from Basingstoke & soon 2b a former member of HoC says:

    “You can never find the right hole when you desperately need one….!!!”

  40. 40
    wills says:

    Not on the level

  41. 41
    Jimmy Saville says:

    If there was hair around it.

  42. 42
    Dave says:

    Solve it? Just get a group of H.M. Ministers together who will conspire to find her totally innocent. That’s the way we do things here.

  43. 43
    Max says:

    Oh dave’s left the cell door open for me

  44. 44
    Ken Lorp says:

    “Get out of jail free” is far easier than I thought.

  45. 45
    Catherine says:

    Come on, it was only £6k for goodness sake, the way people are talking it’s as if i was one of those damn benefit cheats ….

  46. 46
    UKIPPER says:

    “What do you mean I cannot use this gate?, don’t you know that I am an MP you fucking pleb”

  47. 47
    Rickytshirt says:

    Note to self: Change second home to Belmarsh.

  48. 48
    United MP Jailbirds says:

    Chris Huhne, Jonathan Aitkin, Jeffrey Archer, Lord Taylor, Lord Hannigfield, Dennis McShane, David Chaytor, Elliot Morley, Jim Devine and Eric Illsley will all go and visit her in a show of support

  49. 49
    First time caller says:

    I shall avoid the low hanging fruit and go for a more subtle caption.


  50. 50
    To the tune of the Fields of Athenry says:

    By a lonely prison wall
    I heard Maria crying,
    ‘Crikey they are putting me away
    My expenses were all wrong
    I bought housing for my mum
    Now the voters, they all want
    To make me pay…’


    Low lie the fields of Athenry…

  51. 51
    Stan St Reason says:

    That’s the folks locked up for the night…

  52. 52
    Poet's day says:

    it’s the nice thing about being an MP, nobody’s really serious about locking us up

  53. 53
    Di Rear says:

    I’m good at manipulating this ‘Lever’ son?

  54. 54
    Garfield says:

    The thing is I think that she is just misunderstood and I believe she is honest as the day is long, Christ this skunk is strong.

  55. 55
    Peckham Refugee says:


  56. 56
    Peckham Refugee says:

    Double lol!

  57. 57
    the general public says:

    we have a winner I think

  58. 58
    Peckham Refugee says:

    Hmmm unfortunately true. Great caption though!

  59. 59
    wishywashy says:

    smileys are similar to smiley faces.
    frozen smile is a joke.
    the joke is in bad taste.
    prim and proper.
    hardly. so beam me up .
    sue diligence is poss.
    but give them their due.
    they have bee.

  60. 60
    Peckham Refugee says:

    Nice one

  61. 61
    Anonymous says:

    This isn’t cooperating either. How ironic!

  62. 62
    Usad Bolt says:

    In the hole you Cnut

  63. 63
    Peckham Refugee says:


  64. 64
    No Politico says:

    Where did I put that “get out of jail card?’

  65. 65
    beast says:

    cell cell cell !
    No capital gains tax

  66. 66
    Sorry, thought is was a lookalike competition says:

  67. 67
    Bernard Halfwit-Howe says:

    Right after he complaint made against Marie Miller we have taken her in for questioning. I will be putting fifty first class detectives on the case and will get back to you in about five years.

  68. 68
    Fed Up says:

    No Maria, we want the bolt to go through your head

  69. 69
    ademay says:

    No ones getting my expenses!!

  70. 70
    beast says:

    Put you right arm in your left arm out
    youre going to chokey and thats what its all about

  71. 71
    Twampersand mk II says:

    Maria Miller in Crimewatch reconstruction of daylight robbery.

  72. 72
    ademay says:

    Mum and Dad have a problem with their eyes so need a bigger lock to keep them in. Aaagh!!

  73. 73
    Plain Wrapper Fags says:

    “Do what I say (especially Benefit claimants), but not what I do.”

    Has Call-me-Dave just increased UKIP’s support?

  74. 74
    Maria Miller on Judgement day says:

    These gates aren’t pearly and what is that thing being shoved up Chris Huhne’s bottom?

  75. 75
    The British media are cunts says:

    I like my new bolt hole

  76. 76
    beast says:

    I fought the law and the law won
    by The Cash

  77. 77
    The Great British Public says:

    Through the keyhole… Guess who it is this week…..

  78. 78
    I should know I've seen it says:

    Max Clifford makes Keith Cheggwin look well endowed.

  79. 79
    The Coalt-char Secretary, innit, says:

    Oh what a DIVINE piece of scowlpchar – who’s it by? I must have it!

  80. 80
    Maria Miller says:

    That’s the last time I’ll give the BBC a contract to build fucking gates.

  81. 81
    William says:

    Chin up old girl!

  82. 82
    C O (Ξ7n) says:

    This photo really needs no caption.

  83. 83
    Grumpy old man says:

    Gross Professional Misconduct? MP’s are exempt.

  84. 84
    I saw you coming says:

    So I have bought with my illegal claims the ‘original plebgate’.

  85. 85
    The Old Codger says:

    “we’d need to lock most of them up.” of course unless they are like me, one of Dave’s favoured ones

  86. 86
    Usian says:

    Ah! Sis. Capital Gain-Bolt

  87. 87
    Nigel says:

    I admire her.

  88. 88

    If I had a quid for every time I had to open bloody doors…I’d still not have made as much as I did from the tax payer hhahhahAHAHAHAHHAHAH plebs.

  89. 89
    Say what you see says:

    That you JSP?

  90. 90
    Ann Frank's Drum-kit says:

    Sorry sorry sorry – so fuckin what? – I said I’m fucking sorry – fuck you lot!

  91. 91
    albacore says:

    Dave needs some cast-iron and this looks about right
    You could sell that plonker any kind of old shite

  92. 92
    Insane Bolt says:

    I know a plain fag rapper – ugly & talks over music.

  93. 93
    Persona non grata says:

    This gate is as crooked as my defence.

  94. 94
    Unspeakable Pervert says:

    Outsourcing prison door production to Somalia encounters early teething problems.

  95. 95
    I like a quickee says:

    Just like last night, he missed the target and I cannot get this in.

  96. 96
    Miller says:

    My get out of jail card is pink.

  97. 97
    Unspeakable Pervert says:

    Budget ‘Escape From Alcatraz’ remake fails to thrill.

  98. 98
    Dangerous Brian says:

    Maria arrived at the gate today
    Determined to say sorry for making hay
    A million here and fifty grand there
    Purloined and fiddled without a care

    An MP elite with connections and clout
    She doesnt care where she buries her snout
    If she’s sacked from the commons
    And loses her seat
    The cash is in the bank
    to be spent toute suite

  99. 99
    Maria says:

    And this is is the lock to the tradesmens’ entrance

  100. 100
    George Street (Mr) says:

    extract ‘Take Me Up St Stephen’s Tower’, by Audrey Flange: ‘The junior employment minister gazed at the chastity belt longingly. Yes, it was effing enormous. But he was Alan Clark. He accepted the challenge.

  101. 101
    Anonymous says:

    Using my `get out of gaol free card`!

  102. 102
    Spartacus Modbotted Again says:

    . . . thís líttle píggy went to jaíl,
    and thís líttle píggy went . . . . .

  103. 103
    I don't agree with being in nick says:

    Have you got a lever son?

  104. 104
    keep your money in your pockets says:

    “I think we should leave it there” .

    So said David Cameron today.

  105. 105
    Cinna says:

    Banged up!

  106. 106
    Dazza says:

    Friday has arrived and it’s time for a beer. It’s Miller time! All thirty odd seconds of it.

  107. 107
    Joe publik says:

    Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
    The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

    The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’

    The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

    The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’

  108. 108
    Another MP on the grab says:

    All the money I thieved locked away.

  109. 109
    Rice pudding says:

    Cow & Gate

  110. 110
    R de G says:

    Parliamentary regulations slamming the door after the expenses have bolted

  111. 111
    lol out LOUD says:

    lol *

  112. 112
    Logan says:

    I just can’t stop fiddling with anything..

  113. 113
    Susan McLean says:

    David gave me the combination

  114. 114
    Susan McLean says:

    Happy days are here again @@@@@@

  115. 115
    Cato says:

    I can’t even put the bolt in the lock

  116. 116
    Cato says:

    Double chin, surely?

  117. 117
    verticalwater says:

    My God! A horse with an opposable thumb.

  118. 118
    Cato says:

    and freshly waxed

  119. 119
    On a serious note says:

    This is what a crook looks like. Yes I know its not funny but it isnt fucking funny its our money she stole , then refused to co operate with the enquiry, then gave a grudging apology then gets the full backing of the Prime Minister. What the fuck is funny about that ?

  120. 120
    Anonymous says:

    “Hmmmm I wish I could make a bolt for the door!”

  121. 121
    Qui Bono says:

    Maria Miller explains parents were in the house as unpaid interns

  122. 122
    Dave says:

    Right, Mum and Dad, you stay behind these bars and don’t show yourselves at the window…

  123. 123
    Geordieboy says:

    I have got a permanent Get out of jail free Card.Fare Cardiff Cardiff

  124. 124

    Thieves DO prosper , as parliament proves over and over again

    The Untouchables

  125. 125
    Nonny Mouse says:

    Barred From Office.

  126. 126
    David laws lib dem fiddler says:

    This is how you enter the No.10 vault, by mistake.

  127. 127
    David laws lib dem fiddler says:

    Where are the effing plebs?

  128. 128
    Don'tplaytheracecardwithmesonny! says:

    What a cracker!

  129. 129
    Jack the Ripper says:

    “I’ll just squeeze out through the gaps in the parliamentary rules.”

  130. 130
    Alex says:

    Tons of Funny pictures with captions: https://www.facebook.com/captionit

  131. 131
    Barry says:

    There was a young lady called Miller
    Who had an affair with a gorilla
    He flew into a rage
    When she locked his cage
    Because he had failed to thrill ‘er

  132. 132
    Dave says:

    Don’t worry I guarantee it’s cast iron.

  133. 133
    Bosun Higgins says:

    Deep under Downing Street, old election promises wasted away in the oubliette…..

  134. 134
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Cow & Gate

  135. 135
    Bonnie Prince Rory Stewert says:

    L6 R6 L6 And that’s how easy it is to break into the gravy train of the tax payers Money

  136. 136
    broderick crawford says:

    I think I ve finally shot my bolt.

  137. 137
    Aparat says:

    “Look, it’s as easy as picking my constituents’ pockets.”

  138. 138
    Taxpayer from whom Maria Miller STOLE MONEY says:

    Another day gone and the fucking bitch is still in office.

    What has gutless Dave done? Supported her yet again — THE BENT BASTARD.

  139. 139
    Lawrie says:

    No one else sips from my trough

  140. 140
    Fact says:

    She needs a bolt in the forehead.

  141. 141
    nigels parachute says:

    Just need another three for a quadruple lock

  142. 142
    toxic red lead says:

    maria is keeping her gate shut>

  143. 143
    non taxable pikey says:

    Was Dawlish a photo opportunity combined with massive damage limitation or what?
    Mejah fell for it completely but don’t expect the people to.
    Mejah also reporting acoustic search for Malaysian flight finally started, 3 weeks late. Should have gone to the oil survey boys who use that stuff every day, and could have had a team or six in place and working within 48 hours.

  144. 144
    non taxable pikey says:

    Clegg now is unique in having not one but 4 arseholes. One for defecation, 2 carved out for him by Nigel and the fourth, well that’s the one he lies out of.

  145. 145
    Rightallalong says:

    “This was nearly my THIRD home !”

  146. 146
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Fraud, Benefits.

  147. 147
    Ralph Nutter says:

    I would like to nominate this as my principal residence

  148. 148
    domino says:

    Not guilty, well that was a blue out of a bolt.

  149. 149
    domino says:

    I knew hiring G4S for security was a good idea.

  150. 150
    domino says:


  151. 151
    domino says:

    WD40 today, UB40 tomorrow

  152. 152
    Baldnunn says:


  153. 153
    Don't Call Me Dave says:

    Easily the winner!

  154. 154
    Spartacus Modbotted Again says:

    You are on the right lines.

    side scan sonar is what is used for finding wellheads and the like. stuff that sticks up from the seabed

    oil ”site seabed” survey boats generally take images of the ocean floor and take a seismic look about 300 m down into the earth.

    two things
    one you dont just cast around willy nilly
    it is probably the cost that has delay any use so far
    off ukish waters you could be 150,000 pounds a day – days to include all mobilisation and demob as well as carrying out the surveys.

  155. 155
    Creeky gate says:


  156. 156
    She must go says:

    A horse, bolting

  157. 157
    d'Arezzo says:

    “I’m ready for you now David, you NAUGHTY BOY!! It’s extra spanks in the dungeon for supporting me…”

  158. 158
    Bleddyn Garw says:

    Here’s a winner! +1,000.

  159. 159
    Anonymous says:

    “How Do You Solve…”
    the problem of narratives incessantly ending… with one giant bound, they were free.

  160. 160
    Bolt from the Blue says:

    Now children, look carefully at this picture – that’s Dave on the right, and me on the left.

  161. 161
    Jiminy Cricket says:

    “Like a ‘bolt’ out of the blue
    Fate steps in, and sees you through…”

  162. 162
    Cinna says:

    She’s shot her bolt.

  163. 163
    Anonymous says:

    You win!

  164. 164
    Aparat says:

    “Don’t, under any circumstances, ‘like’ Guido‘s Facebook page.”

  165. 165
    M Miller says:

    I got fucked an awful lot in university

  166. 166
    Sara says:

    …. yet again, Maria shows her ingenuity in getting out of things …

  167. 167
    Anonymous says:

    love this

  168. 168
    GB says:

    Unpicking a quadruble lock.

  169. 169
  170. 170
    dbopenlock says:

    Miller Time ?

Seen Elsewhere

Bashir Twitter Meltdown | Mirror
Bashir is a Wrong’un | Norman Tebbit
Natalie Bennett Says it Should Not be a Crime to Belong to ISIS | Indy
LibDems Fifth in London | Standard
45 Mirror Group Stories Linked to Phone-Hacking | Press Gazette
Dave’s Diet | Speccie
Pink’O’Flynn | HuffPo
Trojan Horse Destroying British Values | Nick Wood
We Must Not Call Charlie Hebdo Killers ‘terrorists’ | Telegraph
Tory MEP Promised Bashir Investigation | Scrapbook
Stop May Pact | Times

Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”

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