April 2nd, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: Titanic Fights in the Commons

Cosy capitalism against Socialism, sir. Public versus private ownership. Primrose Hill versus the Playing Fields of Eton. Tax cuts versus the Collective. Labour bellowing versus Tory barrage.

My niche interest is the fight between Better Bercow and Bad Bercow.

The new iteration – I-Don’t-Hate-Tories – is a success. We should pay tribute to it, celebrate it rather than carp.

But Better Bercow can’t keep Bad Bercow in its kennel.

What must be going in that inner court of his, where he remonstrates with himself: “Your constant interruptions are just prolonging the proceedings. Your attention-seeking behaviour is childish, you need to grow up and the sooner the better. And the way you call Andrew Selous – the public detest it! Your electorate hate it! If you go on like this they’ll have you out after the next election!”

Good Bercow has been prevailing, but when provoked, Bad Bercow slips the leash.

We can thank Simon Burns for that. Or that corner where he sits with Alec Shelbrooke in a supporting role behind him. Anna Soubry, Tim Loughton and Keith Simpson, are all there or thereabouts, each of whom have had complex relations with the Speaker.

So, when Czaibhaggan MacDonagh fluffed her line about the “Bobby Tax”, it prompted heckling from the Burns Corner.

Out Bad Bercow slavered, fangs bared, to savage them as he only savages Tories: “Braying, and sneering and making rude remarks is the sort of thing the public despise!” he barked at them.

But three points Bad Bercow’s keeper might consider:

“Braying and sneering” is a rude remark by any measure and an example of what he is complaining about. Second, the microphone arrangements being as they are, the public wouldn’t have been aware of any braying and sneering without him having made a West End hit of it. And third, it is by no means clear the public despise rude remarks at all.

In other battle news. The noise was amazing, I’m told, by floor-level Members. “Answer! Answer! Answer!” Labour chanted so loudly they couldn’t hear what answers might be.

Cameron was being asked what the share price of Royal Mail was now and how £750m had been lost, and what had happened to the “gentleman’s agreement” not to sell shares quickly, and nobody wanted the sale and nobody voted for it.

Labour liked all this and felt the shafts going home. To me it sounded like Violet Elizabeth Bott. You’ll have your own view.

Labour took comfort from Cameron’s line, “Nobody wanted it? It was in your manifesto!” which has, at best, a poetic truth in it.

Labour has to wave away the Gordon Brown gold sale (£9bn below the current price), and pretend that they would have got a better price for Royal Mail. Their leadership team do believe they can predict the economic cycle, remember.

But Cameron’s responses seem to me to be pulling slowly away from the level of the questions and of his questioners. Tax cuts, record employment and worker-shareholders is set against Labour’s “Aren’t things expensive these days?”

Vote for Your Job may be worth 10 polling points on election day. That’s the bet. Labour’s clairvoyance may turn out to be less clear than they are claiming now.


  1. 1
    please Sir! says:

    Wots Czaibhaggan?


  2. 7
    Sally Bercow says:

    I love labour I do ………. especially the Big Black ones


    • 19
      A bloke says:

      Dear Deidre

      I’m having trouble getting my wife to let me demonstrate with her how the homogaysexuals consumate their marriages.


      • 77
        Father Analpolyp says:

        I suggest you administer prodigious quantities of GHB then chain her to the sofa and apply a leather torture mask whilst projecting on the walls still images from the Wizard of Oz to a soundtrack of Great Showtunes of All Times. Then have bumsex in public with anyone except the person you’ve just ‘married’.

        Then criticise her choice of wallpaper.

        That should do it.


  3. 11
    Hansard writer says:

    Re Squeaker

    Once a barrow boy, always a barrow boy


  4. 12
    LibLabCon says:

    We always sell taxpayers’ assets at a discount

    How do you think we can retire on Bolly?


  5. 14
    albacore says:

    Who gives a toss about Bercow as Speaker
    And which of his sides is stronger or weaker?
    This whole Parliament is no more than a farce
    All it ever does is suck the E U’s arse


  6. 15
    LibLabCon sham says:


    I like Primrose Hill versus playing fields of Eton

    But the Primrose Hill/hedgie/oligarch gang are now sending their children to Eton…

    Crony capitalism is merging with sham socialism to the detriment of the British People

    Join the dots…


  7. 17
    Grant Shapps says:

    Miliband says Cameron is “Not so much the Wolf of Wall Street but the Dunce of Downing Street”. Will it stick? It’s actually trending.

    A classic from Ed Mili.


    • 41
      Fred d'Eton says:

      Heaven help us if that is the best that he can do.


    • 45
      John Masefield says:

      Does that make Millipede the Prick of Primrose Hill?


    • 64
      Toenails from the BBC says:

      Of course it’s trending – and we’ll make sure it continues to do so.

      A clear win for Ed today….left Cameron for dead…the Cotht of Living Cwithis is really hitting home.

      Nasty, Downing Street Dunce, Cameron calling the Ed’s, ‘muppets’. Disgusting.


    • 88
      Gerbil 7 says:

      Well, that’s being a bit generous, it’s clearly a classic from sombebody.


  8. 18
    Ah! don't laugh says:

    Feng Shui master is buried alive in landslide at Hong Kong cemetery – seconds after showing a family the ‘perfect burial plot’ for their relative’s grave


    • 96
      Tim Yeo-yo says:

      Isn’t Ed the “fcuking, tw@, c untchops, lisping, mongtard, millionaire Marxist from Primrose Hill?”


  9. 20
    A Brazilian Rent Boy says:

    Hearing about a major development later today following Sunday Mirror’s Mark Menzies investigation..


    • 23
      Prime Minister"The Dunce Of Downing Street" Cameron says:

      Mark Menzies has my support.

      He’s probably wearing it,and so next time he can jolly well buy his own support.


    • 32
      Mrs Dale's Diary says:

      Did he feel Squeaker’s privates on the qt? During one of Squeaker’s Gay and Lesbian parties?



  10. 21
    Ah! now we're getting down to it says:

    The Prime Minster would welcome a rethink on the price of England replica football shirts, according to his spokesman.


  11. 24
    Observer says:

    PMQs interesting today

    Not one word about Ukraine or Mid East

    Funny that


  12. 26
    Prime Minister"The Dunce Of Downing Street" Cameron says:

    16 to Smoke
    18 to Buy Cigarettes

    16 to Have Sex
    18 to Watch Porn

    16 to go to Army
    18 to play Call of Duty

    Conservative led Coalition Logic!


  13. 29
    Lord Tebbitt says:

    When will some MP find the balls to say

    On a point of order, Mr Squeaker…


  14. 34
  15. 43
    non taxable pikey says:

    32 years ago today the Argentinians invaded the Falklands. Just thought I would mention it since it seems to have been forgotten by many. Thinking of those lost on HMS Glamorgan especially.


    • 47
      Ah! now says:

      Spanish boats enter Gib territorial waters and we sent them a helium balloon with ” GET OUT ” on it.


      • 67
        Fuck the EU says:

        That Span!sh should be a bit more concerned about the regions which are looking to secede rather than playing with the RN.

        What is the Dunce of Downing street going to do ?


        • 82
          Gooey Blob says:

          Whatever it is will be more than Muppet Miliband will ever do as he’ll never find himself in power.


    • 49
      jgm2 says:

      Presumably because the number 32 is not a ‘landmark’ anniversary like (say) 25 years or 50 years or 100 years.


  16. 48
    EU Funded Pro-EU Troll says:

    Vote UKIP


  17. 61
    Justin Beiber says:

    Fylde MP Mark Menzies says he needs time to “rebuild” his private life, see Lytham St Annes Express and tomorrow’s Gazette


    • 66
      E Wing says:

      The best time to rebuild a private life is when doing 6 months in solitary at HMP Belmarst


  18. 69
    Mong the Miliband says:

    Ed should apologize for his Dunce of Downing street line and point out that Dave actually has a double first in PPE from Oxford.


  19. 71
    Simon Cowell says:

    I’m not gay, I’ve got a baby and I’m surrounded by women.


  20. 72
    Gooey Blob says:

    There’s only one way the tide is heading now; The electoral cycle, swingback, call it what you will, it’s all one way. There’ll be the odd good day for Labour here and there but Miliband is not going to get any better. Those poll averages will continue to move very slowly toward the Tories, and short of changing leader – it’s too late to do that – there is nothing Labour can do.

    Expect PMQs to get more bad-tempered as Miliband tries every trick he can to delay the inevitable.


    • 79
      One Man One Vote says:

      There is still the small matter of a 6% advantage due to gerrymandering and unequal constituencies and up to 25% inaccuracy in the electoral registers. And that’s before anyone gets busy stuffing postal vote envelopes.


    • 86
      Fuck the EU says:

      On balance the tide seems to be turning towards UKIP.

      Neither Dave nor Ed came away looking good today.


  21. 76
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Bercow is at his best when calling on Miliband to ask his questions.

    “Air’d Mullah-barn”


    • 97
      C.O.Jones says:

      I imagine Bercow thinks that he brings some form of eloquence to his office.

      From a common mans position I feel he is just some trumped up little Hunt who does not realise what others think about him.


  22. 81
  23. 84
    Anonymous says:

    tory scum


  24. 85
    Ah! hmm says:

    {Watch out Labour. Opposition parties lose av 5.7% in final year before election notes @atulh > http://bit.ly/1iTNhbS }

    You may well be correct. But, we have never had fixed-term parliaments before1


  25. 90
    Gerbil 7 says:

    I’m growing very tired of that midget telling me what I do and don’t want to hear from politicians.


  26. 91
    Prime Minister"The Dunce Of Downing Street" Cameron says:

    The Conservative Party has lost 270,000 members since the year 2000.

    Oy Vey indeed.


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