April 1st, 2014

Evans: “It’s Amazing What Two Grown People Can Do on Sofas”

Today in court Nigel Evans denied sexually assaulting several alleged male victims, accusing the prosecution of trying to paint him as “a cross between Alan Clark, Oscar Wilde and Benny Hill”. Evans said he could not recall two alleged assaults that had taken place while he was drunk, also dismissing claims he put his hands down another man’s boxer shorts on his sofa as “affection”, arguing that “there was affection between us… As you can see from the texts that are available, [there are] kisses at the end of them”. On the alleged sofa incident, Evans said he was looking for:

“A reaction. Hopefully that he might turn around, that something might have happened, that the pass would be accepted and we might take that further in a direction which we both would be happy… It’s amazing what two grown people can do on sofas, Mr Heywood.”

He says he stopped at the man’s stomach. The case continues…


  1. 1
    Garfield says:

    “Labour’s deputy chairman Jon Trickett was reported last night as saying that his leader needed to communicate in “primary colours” and reflect the way voters talk.”

    Communicate in Primary Colours” what in all that’s holy is that phucking loon talking about.

  2. 2
    ancientpopeye says:


  3. 3
    Jimmy Savile says:

    It’s amazing what one grown man and hundreds of underage girls can do on a sofa.

  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    Bellybutton sex, you can’t beat it.

  5. 5
    Malice says:

    Ugh. He makes me puke.

  6. 6
    Sir Edward Carson says:

    “Alan Clark, Oscar Wilde and Benny Hill”

    What vanity. He’s not a patch on any of them

  7. 7
    A Pendle Witch says:

    What a disgusting piece of shit this fucker is.

  8. 8
    Mitch says:

    He’s had a proper whack on the forehead in that photo, so somebody didn’t like what he was doing.

  9. 9
    BBC Manager KY Supplies says:

    Thats nothing you should have seen the canteen this lunchtime.

  10. 10
    Mark Oaten says:

    If you push hard enough it becomes belly button sex.

  11. 11
    Bob Crow says:

    Filthy fakker. S’awl FATCHER’S fawt.

  12. 12
    Gossipmonger says:

    Say all you want about tolerance and acceptance. Reading this stuff just makes any right minded person wince.

  13. 13
    Dirtbox Dave - queen of the homos says:

    We all love the smell of arsehole in the morning.

  14. 14
    Observer says:

    He is just dragging what is left of Parliament’s reputation through the mud

    After Squeaker, Sally and all the rest

    Our democracy has become a sick joke

  15. 15
    Sir Jimmy Savile, made in Britain by the BBC says:

    I wasn’t on any sofa. I was in my caravan parked on BBC property with a minder outside.

  16. 16
    Jack says:

    He thinks it’s all a joke

    Is he on ketamine as well?

  17. 17
    Mitch says:

    By his own admission he regularly gets blind drunk and gropes (almost) total strangers, sometimes in public. He is supposed to be a senior M.P. The man is a total disgrace.

  18. 18
    C O (Ξ7m) says:

    Might be wrong, but Evans’s testimony so far is not really doing him any favours.

  19. 19
    Modern Britain says:

    Accept and move on – straight to UKIP. Fuck the Tories, Labour and that other lot.

  20. 20

    He’s a Bajoran and I claim my £5.

  21. 21
    Happy Monday says:

    Compared to Evans, Bez is a model of probity.

  22. 22
    Owen "Barking" Jones says:

    I did this April Fools a few years back and some right-wing trolls still occasionally tweet it as fact. Some people.


  23. 23
    major general says:

    I am the very model of a modern Tory MP.

  24. 24
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Green Nazis, Peedos and other Wasters says:

    Well, as it’s Labour this is quite easy to understand. The colour is red, in the red, i.e. how to waste all the money and borrow trillions more.

  25. 25
    Paniagua V5.1 says:

    I hope the judge has a black cap and is prepared to use it.

  26. 26
    Bystander says:

    I didn’t fight two World Wars and retire to The Ribble Valley with a view to this sort of carry on

  27. 27
    Shit stinks for a reason says:

    Some drain bloke rodding a stinky sewage pipe for a living.
    Understandably most peoples reaction is Eeeeew and they are not criticised for it.

    Some gay bloke rodding a stinky sewage pipe for pleasure.
    Understandably most peoples reaction is Eeeeew however this time they are accused of being a bigot.

    Being gay is one thing being proud of it you got to be kidding.

  28. 28
    Bystander says:

    We could have avoided all of this if gay marriage had been compulsory

  29. 29
    Garfield says:

    “Venezuelan president orders landlords to sell homes in 60 days or face fine of £24,000 in wild bid to plug housing shortage”

    I believe it was Owen Jones who was on about rents etc not too long ago. Well his hero has come up with answer. Also comment from D Fatbut if poss.

  30. 30
    Lord Stansted says:

    The trouble is that the concept of primary colours is a bit ambiguous. Does Jon (? male? female? other?) mean red, green and blue, as in the Additive colour model, or cyan, magenta and yellow, as in the CMYK colour model? Of course there’s violet, orange and green of the RYB colour model, but that’s a bit old – and I expect the Labour party is a very modern party.

  31. 31

    Too much information.

  32. 32
    Traffic cop says:

    Probably a skidmark

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    You have got to wonder at the amount of grown men who go back to his to look at his new kitchen, fall asleep on his sofa and only then seemingly the penny drops ! i mean were they retarded or what.

  34. 34
    Owen Jones Book of bum facts says:

    In my case it was three grown ups on a sofa,I felt like a rose between two thorns.

  35. 35
    Anonymous says:

    Always been a tory voter up to and including 2010.

    I’ve always liked Nigel Farage – mainly from his rants at the EU being featured on ZeroHedge – but wasn’t going to bother voting for any of them.

    After the last week of utter bullshit from the mainstream media towards him, and last nights doco, and the fucking abysmal story in the Guardian about him appearing on RT too much, today i registered at my new address and will be voting UKIP.

  36. 36
    Me says:

    Out for a quick few quid now. Selling their stories to the papers after the trial.

    Disregarding the sexual preferences of all involved, it is just a “kiss and tell”.

  37. 37
    Bang to rights says:

    Well, he’s up shit creek in a barbed wire canoe. He has to flail about in all directions.

  38. 38
    still walking into darkness says:

    I wonder what he did and who he’s upset so much to get stitched up like this. Not saying it’s not his own fault, but you know how these things work. Looking forward to the by-election, don’t think it’s a safe Tory seat

  39. 39
    Ahmed Dinnerjacket says:

    The dictionary definition of ‘model’ is “a smaller version of the real thing”.

    Go figure.

  40. 40
    Confused.com says:

    Don’t get it. How can you put your hand DOWN someone’s boxer shorts and stop at the stomach?

  41. 41
    Puzzled Venezuelan homeowner says:

    To whom will they sell and thereafter where will they live?

  42. 42
    Jack Ketch says:

    Has anyone checked Evan’s expenses to see if any of these boys and youths were on the taxpayer payroll? If he employed them, surely he is allowed to enter a rented property.

  43. 43
    still walking into darkness says:

    Clegg can only be trying to drop Cameron and Miliband into a pile of poo with these debates, and if that’s been his intention he’s doing a great job of that as their silence says it all. There can’t possibly be a single UKIP voter swayed by Clegg so he had nothing to win there and everything to lose. That and of course he’s doing his master’s bidding by being a good little EU toady, must be part of his EU pension contract terms and his pre bid to retiring to an EU Commissioner role in 2015.

  44. 44
    Corby says:

    You should change your name to Gay Fawkes.

  45. 45

    Now if it’d been a short boxer, this geez might not have been so dreamy.

  46. 46
    Me says:

    Have you seen how boxers wear their shorts? The waistband is usually around nipple level.

  47. 47
    Andy Car Park says:

    We was born in a disused garage
    Life is a horse wivaht a carriage
    Fck the Tories
    Fck the Tories
    Fck ‘em good and true.

  48. 48
    Anonymous says:

    “Stopped at the man’s stomach…”

    Well he managed to turn mine !!

  49. 49
    Katie says:

    Funny how he ‘can’t remember’, but is denying all !!!

    This man should have been suspended whilst the trial was running. Such sordid details about a sitting MP do Parliament no favours at all.

    If a TV company can suspend actors during a trial why does our government not do the same ?

    This man is a blatant liar.

  50. 50
    Anonymous says:

    Very sinister indeed – sounds like a fan of Dennis Nielsen or Jeffrey Dahmer.

  51. 51
    Anonymous says:

    “Wince” ? Surely you mean puke?

  52. 52
    broderick crawford says:

    Was Evans’ forehead once operated upon and stitched up …. badly ?

  53. 53
    broderick crawford says:

    Careful … too much French kissing in that area could spark an umbilical hernia!!

  54. 54
    Jump ship Jacob! says:

    Jacob Rees-Mogg is still a member of Dave’s Bumsex Tory Party.

    We thought he was the Honourable Member for North East Somerset.

    It seems he is a career politician with no principles. Just like all the others.

    FFS Resign Jacob. If you can’t face joining UKIP, then become an Independent

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    We should never have legalised it. Can you imagine if he’d been a randy heterosexual sitting next to a female colleague on a sofa and doing that?

    The point is men are always randy and a ho mo will always expect an easy win with another bloke.

  56. 56
    James Marring says:

    It’s taken just over a week, and we remain just short of our target of 500. Ben was groomed by an older man and ended up commiting suicide suffering PTSD. Sign up now. #justice4bencowburn http://t.co/BmOCjfYuzZ

  57. 57
    olden1936 says:

    I have denied all charges, and my life has been put through Hell!
    I am so tired of being drenched and swamped by each latest media-inspired focusing of the Public’s attention. The painful by-product of the ongoing Jimmy Saville investigations was to encourage victims of similar sexual harassment and abuse in the past, to courageously overcome their natural reluctance and embarrassment to reveal to the police details of the abuses that they had suffered; allegedly committed several years ago by a selection of now elderly celebrities, and/or politicians. Reliant as we all are upon media to furnish details of any subsequent court case proceedings we are left with the vague impression that nearly every time the cases have fallen apart at the seams. Instead, afterwards, the accused whilst being eagerly interviewed by the media are heard to utter variations of the phrase “I have denied all charges, and my life has been put through Hell”. Meanwhile we hear nothing from the abused victims. Are we to assume these victims from different parts of the UK; who’d never met each other, all were lying? If the media must drench and swamp the public’s attention please at least offer us balanced reporting, if for no other reason than to restore the public’s faith in the UK legal system.

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George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

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