March 31st, 2014

SKETCH:  Rage Against the Cuts – DWP Questions

Q1: Research by the think tank Rage, Rage Against the Cuts shows that long-term youth unemployment of seasonally-adjusted people in the north-by-north-west among people between five foot seven and six feet is reaching appallingly record highs under this incompetent government of part-time, insecure, zero-hour contract workers.
A: The rising rate of employment has never been higher for all young people as measured by the OBR in six of the seven warmest days in the last quarter. The party opposite never did anything about it when they were in power and their councils are the ones making employees work in shoes that are three sizes too small.

Q2: Why has the Government IT shambles learnt nothing from IT shambles when we were in Government? How many shambles make a shambles? It’s pathetic!
A: That’s easily said, but the facts are different and everyone knows the new program is saving £1m a day, it’s on time, it’s on budget, it’s saving lives, it’s getting people back to work and while it has been shelved, pending review, it is being rolled out now all over the North by North East.

Q3: How many disabled people has the Government abandoned to pursue its bedroom tax by ignoring our Compulsory Jobs Guarantee showing 95 per cent of disabled people and two billion people worldwide are worse off under the same old out-of-touch Tories?
A: There have never been more disabled people in work as measured by the Disabled People in Work Index compiled by the Multi-Abilitied Billionaire Foundation, and that is in stark contrast to the situation under the last Government when disabled people were eaten by their families – Members opposite don’t like to hear that, Mr Speaker, they don’t like to be reminded while they’re moaning about food banks that disabled unemployed pensioners in poverty were eaten by their families, and that’s something we’ve been clearing up for years.

Q4-25: You’re brutal, hard-hearted apologists for a capitalist apparatus whose policies, statistics show, are bringing misery to millions.
A: You’re dim-witted, soft-headed noodles whose policies, statistics show, have brought misery to millions.

Q26: Bar later?
Q27: Chardonnay?


23 Comments

  1. 1
    Sue Denim says:

    I blame the scapegoats.

  2. 2
    Unbalanced Views says:

    I’d take more water with it if I were you

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    Sadly spot on.

  4. 4
    Bosun Higgs says:

    It’s all like a MMPORG* to them.

    *Massively Multi-Player Online Role-playing Game.

  5. 5
    LabourNutter says:

    “Independent” think tank Rage against the Cuts, surely?

  6. 6
  7. 7
    Gooey Blob says:

    Talk of food banks alienates voters. Give people opportunities rather than handouts and they will vote for you. A fact that is lost on hard-left Miliband Labour.

  8. 8
    Too fast? says:

    Hey, Simon, try a zero-hour contract yourself. Without your fat pension.

    Twat.

  9. 9
    rick says:

    Well done, Simon Carr. That sketch describes PMQs exactly. Juvenile schoolyard point scoring. God help this country.

  10. 10
  11. 11
    callmedave says:

    Unforunately, this is so accurate. PMQs is like watching kids in a playground yah-booing each other, except that kids are cleverer.

  12. 12
    you there says:

    Simon Carr is a dick: I have met him, and having spoken to him for a brief time I was underwhelmed. I was left with the impression that even Simon knew he was a dick.

  13. 13
    Owe in Bones ate my meat says:

    Mmmm… It sounded more like socialist lies meet the unrefuteable truth head on. ( with the exception of eating pensioners of course…errr well I hope so)

  14. 14
    John Bellingham says:

    To get rid of food banks, just put the Reverend Flowers and that Scottish twat whose name escapes me, in charge of them. They will vanish within weeks.

  15. 15
    Snivel Servant says:

    You’re asking the wrong questions. There is huge overcapacity in business schools desperate to take money from failing organisations by teaching middle-ranking bureaucrats to ‘affirm themselves’ by playing African bongoes and suchlike. All you need to do is ask what success criteria have been used to justify the expense, and watch the buggers squirm. When I asked the question I was told (I kid you not) it was an ‘act of faith’, in other words, if the participants feel good about themselves after a week in the country drinking red wine at the taxpayers’ expense, then all must be good.

  16. 16
    Anonymous says:

    rage against the cuts sounds like a shit Billy Bragg song, oh I just remembered all Billy Bragg songs are shit and he is a dedicated swallower of Left wing facism

  17. 17
    Brixton road sweeper says:

    Been there done that. Was patronised to high heaven by some scrawny squeaky 20-something female who had obviously never been further than Surbiton, and never learned anything I did not know already. Complete waste of time and money – plus it took me a month to catch up with my work when I got back to my desk.

    It seems to me that far too many lefty-indoctrinated middle/upper rankers have taken over the asylum and are feeding these gravy trains of like minded imbeciles with taxpayers’ cash. If the government had a mind to, it could easily cut 75% of middle/upper ranking civil servants with no loss of efficiency or productivity. Cut the chain of I draft something and pass it up; next up checks the commas and full stops and passes it up; next up decides whether or not it might be a good/idea to support/squash it. If squash, it goes back down the chain; if support, it goes up for further consideration. We are now getting into the senior ranks. Bod on desk wonders how his boss next door might react to proposal. Decides on balance response likely to be favourable and so writes a two page minute on why this idea should be supported and passes it up. Boss sends it back asking where funding is likely coming from, what needs to be changed/cancelled to accommodate this new idea/project etc etc etc.

    In the private sector, a trainee plumber can see a tap is dripping and simply does the necessary repair without all this consultation up to board of directors level on whether he can be allowed to act so independently.

    And that folks is why it costs us so much to run our government systems.

  18. 18
    Tel E. Caster says:

    Try getting a sense of humour and read the article again.

  19. 19
    Tel E. Caster says:

    Hasn’t this come a day early?

  20. 20
    Big Momma says:

    Soylent Green anyone?

  21. 21
    BBC - Bring Back Communism. says:

    We Love Him

  22. 22
    House Holder says:

    No he doesn’t. He spends a long time sucking his teeth, smokes a few fags, has 3 cups of tea and then says he has to go and get some spare parts. After 2 hours he returns and then charges you £347.43.

  23. 23
    Billy Badger says:

    Very witty. I like it.


Seen Elsewhere

Liz Kendall For Leader | Indy
Bashir Booted Out By Respect | Respect
Americans Try Haggis | Guardian
Page 3 and the Art of the Self-Pity Statement | Guardian
Steven Woolfe For UKIP Leader? | Asa Bennett
Mohammed — in Pictures | Speccie
Leon Brittan’s Accusers Must Show Their Evidence | Dan Hodges
New Saudi King Renames Roads While Body Still Warm | TechnoGuido
In Davos, Carrying a BlackBerry is a Status Symbol | Business Insider
New Labour in Peep Show Quotes | Telegraph
Here is What a 7 Way Debate Sounds Like | BBC


Find out more about PLMR AD-MS


George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:






RSS


AddThis Feed Button
Archive


Labels
Guido Reads
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,716 other followers