March 26th, 2014

Max Clifford Trial Inches Towards Conclusion

Big developments in court today, where Max Clifford’s barrister is trying to pull off an almighty shafting of the prosecution case, tossing testimony from the publicist’s doctor into the mix to give his defence a hand. Members of the jury were previously told Max has a “freakishly small” micropenis, but things came to a head when the Crown was brought to its knees by some hard evidence suggesting otherwise:

“His doctor has recently measured his penis. When flaccid, it is five and a quarter inches long – certainly not freakishly small, certainly not enormous.”

But will it stand up in court?


  1. 1
    Kulgan of Crydee says:

    Full of double entendres worthy of Carry On.

  2. 2
    Guido's confessor says:

    Naughty, Guido, naughty

  3. 3
    Andrew Efiong says:

    Clifford is a massive cock with a tiny pecker.

  4. 4
    Jiminy the cricket says:

    Hmm, a cock and bull story if ever I heard one.

  5. 5
    Rickytshirt says:

    It’s a very funny piece, errr I mean post, no… article, errr column. Damn it I give up! Everything sounds like a double entendre!

  6. 6
    maggie the dog says:

    Just a cock and bull story

  7. 7
    Ellie-Mae (9) says:

    He’s been to the Sun journo classes.

  8. 8
    Mr Harmon says:

    I wouldn’t call over five inches tiny – that’s huge.

  9. 9
    Si Smatters says:

    Small, but perfectly formed

  10. 10
    Nemesis says:

    Is Minny Clifford showing how big his cock is with the thumb up? That must be the fully roused size.

  11. 11
    Booker stuff says:

    Beautifully crafted piece Guido

    Great journalism

  12. 12
    Flaccid Hampton says:

    Objection! Tickling up a chub-on and stretching it doesn’t count as “flaccid”, m’lud.

  13. 13
    Anonymous says:

    It won’t be schlong until he goes down for his actions.

  14. 14
    moraymint says:

    Had my laughing tackle working overtime as I chuckled at the job in hand, before reaching a climax of hilarity …

  15. 15
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    more of a horn of plenty than a button mushroom then ?

  16. 16
    Myfanwy says:

    Do you think Maxy Boy is really Mr Bigger
    ““His doctor has recently measured his penis. When flaccid, it is five and a quarter inches long – certainly not freakishly small, certainly not enormous.”” Is that with a brick tied to it. All the Girly boys on this blog want to know, they have a thing about genitalia.
    If the past lot of similar court cases is anything to go by he will get off, if he doesn’t he will be exceedingly unlucky.

  17. 17
    Tony Blair is a war criminal says:

    I think the jury will need a stiff drink.

  18. 18
    Dickie Smallhampton says:

    Very funny!

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit

  20. 20
    How far would you trust a man whose business is made from lying? says:

    That’s 13.335cm of total satisfaction.

  21. 21
    Anonymous says:

    Perhaps when he exposed himself he has been indulging in some Bolivian Orgasm Delayer, enough of that can make a decent a weiner a weinette. Isn’t a flacid 5.5 inches rather large?

  22. 22
    M'learned friend says:

    There was a young lawyer named Rex
    With diminutive organs of sex.
    When charged with exposure,
    He replied with composure:
    “De minimis non curat lex.”

  23. 23
    Oh, really? says:

    And they all did it in Ken Barlow’s magical gold Rolls Royce!

  24. 24
    thostids says:

    To those who want a 12″ dick…easy. Fold it in half.

  25. 25
    Dickie Smallhampton says:

    + CXV

    I assume it was a small claims court

  26. 26
    A Chinaman says:

    i thought the Court rule indicated we have to use metric measures.

  27. 27
    Justin Poofyboots says:


  28. 28
    Ethel of Purley says:

    He’s had a strapadictomy.

  29. 29

    I wouldn’t want that in my ear as a wart!!!

  30. 30
    VIZ says:

    Narf!! Narf!!

  31. 31
    Peter Mandelson says:

    5 and a half soft is around 7 to 8 hard.

  32. 32
    Speedster says:

    So, does this mean the doctor measured his own willie, or Mr Clifford’s?
    Ironic to be called “Max” instead of “Micro”.
    Micro Clifford doesn’t have the same impact Matron.

  33. 33
    the european court of justice says:

    for admissibility the dimensions must be metric

  34. 34
    Hazel Boaz says:


  35. 35
    Trust me i'm a Doctor says:

    I certified that Ernest Saunders had Altzheimers, just as I have measured the aforementioned member.

  36. 36
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Foul play your honour, the use of Swedish penis pumps are not in the spirit of this court :-)

  37. 37
    Jimmy says:

    Five and a quarter inches – ‘ow’s about that then boys and girls?

  38. 38
    Brrrrr! says:

    One must presume they had the radiators full-on in the doctor’s room on such a chilly day as this.

  39. 39
    Anonymous says:

    I would take his member in my mouth and gently suck using my tongue to measure length and girth while flaccid and when fully erect.

  40. 40

    Surely the varying descriptions of his accusors are only testimony to their other sexual conquests. It might be tiny to some, it might be massive to others. Depends what you’re used to!

    Wouldn’t like to be the partner of the girl who described it as massive, though!

  41. 41
    Oooh matron! says:

    The court case reaches its climax…

  42. 42
    Namby Pamby says:

  43. 43
    MacGuffin says:

    What is the coefficient of expansion?

    In the popular parlance of the beer-and-bingo hall, is he a ‘shower’ or a ‘grower’?

  44. 44
    Charmed I'm Sure says:

    That “joke” was done to death last time Clifford featured here, do try to keep up you fucking useless jizztard twunt.

  45. 45
    Everard says:

    Oh Missus….

  46. 46
    Miss Micro Skirt says:

    Questions to Doctor:-

    1/ Were your measurements from pubic hairs to tip of cock or scrotum to tip of cock ?
    2/ How many seconds after ejaculation did you measure said cock ?
    3/ Did you fit said cock with an electrically heated cock sock before measurements being taken ?
    4/ Has said cock been circumcised ? (I’m presuming YES)

  47. 47
    Metric Pedant says:

    Surely the doctor meant centimetres – not inches. Then it sounds about right.

  48. 48
    Max Clifford says:

    I have just presold the rights to my book to Dirty Digger for 1 million quid

    It is called “How to make 10 million with a mushroom dick”

    I have sold the porn rights to Dirty Desmond for another million

    So you can be a winner even with a kiddy sized dick, my friends

  49. 49
    nobby says:

    Measuring it is pointless, as it all depends if he has a shower or a grower. :D

  50. 50
    Ed Milliband says:

    Any top tips for me?

  51. 51
    Anonymous says:

    That’s pretty big for flaccid!

  52. 52
    Winston says:

    After a bath in ice water.

  53. 53
    Major Bonkers says:

    The easiest way to resolve this would be:

    show us your cock!

  54. 54
    Keitho says:

    Vote UKIP

    Seriously guys, vote UKIP.

  55. 55
    Jacky Treehorn says:

    He probably had a lazy lob on.

  56. 56
    Keitho says:

    Now we have the media interviewing the media as to what the debate meant.

    Far out!

  57. 57
    Tom Catesby. says:

    Has it been shown to the jury yet, marked exhibit ‘A’?

  58. 58
    AB says:

    Can we have a second opinion?

  59. 59
    Stu says:

    I can’t wait to see this scumbag Clifford taken down. Piece of left wing shite. tried to pin a pack of lies on the Hamilton’s. Not that keen on them but this is Karma for scum.

  60. 60
    Anonymous says:

    Is that Neil Kinnocks son by any chance?

  61. 61
    Anonymous says:

    You can jizz up my man Hunt you dirty bastard.

  62. 62
    Honest John says:

    To be fair, 5.25 inches flacc is not bad. Definitely suspect he had a semi on when that was measured.

  63. 63
    Flange says:

    No, “a”.

  64. 64
    Death by Bongo says:

    Even if Max is a mini five and a half inches, you wouldn’t want it ‘twixt your butt cheeks, now would you?

  65. 65
    Nemesis says:


  66. 66
    Nemesis says:

    No matter what the outcome is he’ll be forever known now as the man with a prick the size of a button mushroom. All credibility lost as a PR guru although he could stand as a Prick Reduction specialist.

  67. 67
    Displaced Brummie says:

    You are overlooking another explanation. They are making it all up.

  68. 68
    RichUpNorth says:

    He should just lob it out in court, and leave it to the mercy of the jury.
    Britain in the 21st century … talking about the size of a blokes cock. This is even worse than Archers spotty back.

  69. 69
    Max the "Acorn" says:

    my diddler is finally front page news. Get in!

  70. 70
    Anonymous says:

    Err, while yore down there, Doctor…

  71. 71
    dr river says:

    it is bizarre when a man has made a living out of destroying peoples lives gets the treatment himself.

  72. 72
    Xavier Onassis says:

    Personally, I find the thought of Clifford’s penis nauseating. Gnarled and wizened like the man himself, doubtless.

  73. 73
    I'm lost... says:

    I missed the bit where it was explained why the size of his member is relevant to the case. Would someone be kind enough to explain?

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    “Trial Inches Towards Conclusion”
    Some say that nose and foot dimensions evidence a correlation with other body parts. But surely the jury is still out, in regard to thumb size.

  75. 75
    Mr Snotty says:

    It’s great.

  76. 76
    Bob Crow says:

    At the end of the day, when push comes to shove and all’s said and done – it’s hot down here. UP THE WORKERS!

  77. 77
    chrisjourno says:

    Knowing Max to be a moderate drinker who enjoys a good Semion, I sincerely hope he does not receive a stiff penalty as I enjoyed meeting him at the Press Club in the 80’s,where I have always known him to be a fine member of good standing.

  78. 78
    chrisjourno says:

    The subject in question is ‘COCKS’- well,on second thoughts not an inappropriate post…

  79. 79
    chrisjourno says:

    Oh! Mandy you came and you gave without taking. But I sent you away…

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