March 26th, 2014

Max Clifford Trial Inches Towards Conclusion

Big developments in court today, where Max Clifford’s barrister is trying to pull off an almighty shafting of the prosecution case, tossing testimony from the publicist’s doctor into the mix to give his defence a hand. Members of the jury were previously told Max has a “freakishly small” micropenis, but things came to a head when the Crown was brought to its knees by some hard evidence suggesting otherwise:

“His doctor has recently measured his penis. When flaccid, it is five and a quarter inches long – certainly not freakishly small, certainly not enormous.”

But will it stand up in court?


79 Comments

  1. 1
    Kulgan of Crydee says:

    Full of double entendres worthy of Carry On.

    Like

    • 7
      Ellie-Mae (9) says:

      He’s been to the Sun journo classes.

      Like

    • 16
      Myfanwy says:

      Do you think Maxy Boy is really Mr Bigger
      ““His doctor has recently measured his penis. When flaccid, it is five and a quarter inches long – certainly not freakishly small, certainly not enormous.”” Is that with a brick tied to it. All the Girly boys on this blog want to know, they have a thing about genitalia.
      If the past lot of similar court cases is anything to go by he will get off, if he doesn’t he will be exceedingly unlucky.

      Like

      • 32
        Speedster says:

        So, does this mean the doctor measured his own willie, or Mr Clifford’s?
        Ironic to be called “Max” instead of “Micro”.
        Micro Clifford doesn’t have the same impact Matron.
        :-0

        Like

    • 33
      the european court of justice says:

      for admissibility the dimensions must be metric

      Like

      • 38
        Brrrrr! says:

        One must presume they had the radiators full-on in the doctor’s room on such a chilly day as this.

        Like

    • 41
      Oooh matron! says:

      The court case reaches its climax…

      Like

  2. 2
    Guido's confessor says:

    Naughty, Guido, naughty

    Like

  3. 3
    Andrew Efiong says:

    Clifford is a massive cock with a tiny pecker.

    Like

  4. 4
    Jiminy the cricket says:

    Hmm, a cock and bull story if ever I heard one.

    Like

  5. 5
    Rickytshirt says:

    It’s a very funny piece, errr I mean post, no… article, errr column. Damn it I give up! Everything sounds like a double entendre!

    Like

  6. 6
    maggie the dog says:

    Just a cock and bull story

    Like

  7. 9
    Si Smatters says:

    Small, but perfectly formed

    Like

  8. 10
    Nemesis says:

    Is Minny Clifford showing how big his cock is with the thumb up? That must be the fully roused size.

    Like

  9. 11
    Booker stuff says:

    Beautifully crafted piece Guido

    Great journalism

    Like

  10. 12
    Flaccid Hampton says:

    Objection! Tickling up a chub-on and stretching it doesn’t count as “flaccid”, m’lud.

    Like

  11. 13
    Anonymous says:

    It won’t be schlong until he goes down for his actions.

    Like

  12. 14
    moraymint says:

    Had my laughing tackle working overtime as I chuckled at the job in hand, before reaching a climax of hilarity …

    Like

  13. 15
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    more of a horn of plenty than a button mushroom then ?

    Like

  14. 17
    Tony Blair is a war criminal says:

    I think the jury will need a stiff drink.

    Like

  15. 18
    Dickie Smallhampton says:

    Very funny!

    Like

  16. 19
    Anonymous says:

    If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit

    Like

  17. 20
    How far would you trust a man whose business is made from lying? says:

    That’s 13.335cm of total satisfaction.
    Wow.

    Like

    • 22
      M'learned friend says:

      There was a young lawyer named Rex
      With diminutive organs of sex.
      When charged with exposure,
      He replied with composure:
      “De minimis non curat lex.”

      Like

    • 26
      A Chinaman says:

      i thought the Court rule indicated we have to use metric measures.

      Like

  18. 23
    Oh, really? says:

    And they all did it in Ken Barlow’s magical gold Rolls Royce!

    Like

  19. 24
    thostids says:

    To those who want a 12″ dick…easy. Fold it in half.

    Like

  20. 27
    Justin Poofyboots says:

    Pathetic!

    Like

  21. 28
    Ethel of Purley says:

    He’s had a strapadictomy.

    Like

  22. 29

    I wouldn’t want that in my ear as a wart!!!

    Like

  23. 30
    VIZ says:

    Narf!! Narf!!

    Like

  24. 31
    Peter Mandelson says:

    5 and a half soft is around 7 to 8 hard.

    Like

  25. 35
    Trust me i'm a Doctor says:

    I certified that Ernest Saunders had Altzheimers, just as I have measured the aforementioned member.

    Like

  26. 36
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Foul play your honour, the use of Swedish penis pumps are not in the spirit of this court :-)

    Like

  27. 37
    Jimmy says:

    Five and a quarter inches – ‘ow’s about that then boys and girls?

    Like

  28. 39
    Anonymous says:

    I would take his member in my mouth and gently suck using my tongue to measure length and girth while flaccid and when fully erect.

    Like

  29. 40

    Surely the varying descriptions of his accusors are only testimony to their other sexual conquests. It might be tiny to some, it might be massive to others. Depends what you’re used to!

    Wouldn’t like to be the partner of the girl who described it as massive, though!

    Like

  30. 43
    MacGuffin says:

    What is the coefficient of expansion?

    In the popular parlance of the beer-and-bingo hall, is he a ‘shower’ or a ‘grower’?

    Like

  31. 45
    Everard says:

    Oh Missus….

    Like

  32. 46
    Miss Micro Skirt says:

    Questions to Doctor:-

    1/ Were your measurements from pubic hairs to tip of cock or scrotum to tip of cock ?
    2/ How many seconds after ejaculation did you measure said cock ?
    3/ Did you fit said cock with an electrically heated cock sock before measurements being taken ?
    4/ Has said cock been circumcised ? (I’m presuming YES)

    Like

  33. 48
    Max Clifford says:

    I have just presold the rights to my book to Dirty Digger for 1 million quid

    It is called “How to make 10 million with a mushroom dick”

    I have sold the porn rights to Dirty Desmond for another million

    So you can be a winner even with a kiddy sized dick, my friends

    Like

  34. 49
    nobby says:

    Measuring it is pointless, as it all depends if he has a shower or a grower. :D

    Like

  35. 51
    Anonymous says:

    That’s pretty big for flaccid!

    Like

  36. 53
    Major Bonkers says:

    The easiest way to resolve this would be:

    show us your cock!

    Like

  37. 54
    Keitho says:

    Vote UKIP

    Seriously guys, vote UKIP.

    Like

    • 78
      chrisjourno says:

      The subject in question is ‘COCKS’- well,on second thoughts not an inappropriate post…

      Like

  38. 56
    Keitho says:

    Now we have the media interviewing the media as to what the debate meant.

    Far out!

    Like

  39. 57
    Tom Catesby. says:

    Has it been shown to the jury yet, marked exhibit ‘A’?

    Like

  40. 58
    AB says:

    Can we have a second opinion?

    Like

  41. 59
    Stu says:

    I can’t wait to see this scumbag Clifford taken down. Piece of left wing shite. tried to pin a pack of lies on the Hamilton’s. Not that keen on them but this is Karma for scum.

    Like

  42. 62
    Honest John says:

    To be fair, 5.25 inches flacc is not bad. Definitely suspect he had a semi on when that was measured.

    Like

  43. 66
    Nemesis says:

    No matter what the outcome is he’ll be forever known now as the man with a prick the size of a button mushroom. All credibility lost as a PR guru although he could stand as a Prick Reduction specialist.

    Like

  44. 68
    RichUpNorth says:

    He should just lob it out in court, and leave it to the mercy of the jury.
    Britain in the 21st century … talking about the size of a blokes cock. This is even worse than Archers spotty back.

    Like

  45. 69
    Max the "Acorn" says:

    my diddler is finally front page news. Get in!

    Like

  46. 70
    Anonymous says:

    Err, while yore down there, Doctor…

    Like

  47. 71
    dr river says:

    it is bizarre when a man has made a living out of destroying peoples lives gets the treatment himself.

    Like

  48. 72
    Xavier Onassis says:

    Personally, I find the thought of Clifford’s penis nauseating. Gnarled and wizened like the man himself, doubtless.

    Like

  49. 73
    I'm lost... says:

    I missed the bit where it was explained why the size of his member is relevant to the case. Would someone be kind enough to explain?

    Like

  50. 74
    Anonymous says:

    “Trial Inches Towards Conclusion”
    Some say that nose and foot dimensions evidence a correlation with other body parts. But surely the jury is still out, in regard to thumb size.

    Like

  51. 76
    Bob Crow says:

    At the end of the day, when push comes to shove and all’s said and done – it’s hot down here. UP THE WORKERS!

    Like

  52. 77
    chrisjourno says:

    Knowing Max to be a moderate drinker who enjoys a good Semion, I sincerely hope he does not receive a stiff penalty as I enjoyed meeting him at the Press Club in the 80’s,where I have always known him to be a fine member of good standing.

    Like


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