March 14th, 2014

Hollande Has 99 Problems But a Speech Writer Ain’t One

Pierre-Yves Bocquet, AKA Pierre Evil, is the man François Hollande reckons can turn his Miliband-ish public speaking skills into oratory deserving of a president. Bocquet has just been hired to write Hollande’s public addresses. He is also a big fan of gangsta rap having written a book by that name, with his latest work ‘Detorit Sampler’ set to hit the shelves in the coming weeks. What are the chances of Bocquet advising Hollande on a 50 Cent top rate of tax…


168 Comments

  1. 1
    walks like a duck says:

    Cnut

    Like

    • 9
      Gooey Blob says:

      That’s a bit unfair on Cnut (1016-1035) as he merely wanted to demonstrate that he was unable to command the tide. Hollande, like Miliband, honestly believes he can command the tide.

      Like

    • 10
      bellend says:

      Tony Benn “A faith is something you die for, a doctrine is something you kill for. There is all the difference in the world.”

      Bellend addition “socialism is something you kill someone else for”

      Like

      • 43
        Baboon's arse says:

        Baboon’s arse addition: “socialism is something you get someone else to kill someone else for”.

        Like

    • 100
      Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty says:

      A middle-aged white French man into ginster rap?

      Get orf moi land!

      Like

    • 146
      Black Jack says:

      My dick is following the seagulls, if you want to suck please say yes.

      Like

  2. 2
    La folie says:

    Like

  3. 3
    Ce qui la baise says:

    Vous cherchez à vous frère

    Like

  4. 4
    Podiceps says:

    A long song, fondle up a tree, ee yeah,
    Lurch, order, glower at heir of A!
    Can’t run noodle artery knee, yeah,
    Latent arse song, long tail of A?
    Latent arse song along tail of A!
    Aunt endive, ooh, dawn, no come pine-ears,
    Mew, jeer, safer arsehole, Da,
    Key Vienna juice-cur, don no bra,
    Eager jay, no fear, no come pine-ears!
    Osama, see to young!
    Four may phobe at a yawn!
    Mah-jong! Mah-jong! Kern, song, am pure,
    Ah, brother, no see yawn!

    Like

  5. 5
    François Hollande says:

    Je suis un rockstar.

    Like

  6. 6
    François Hollande says:

    Think of me as an object lesson.
    People voted for me even though they thought I might be an arse.
    Well..I am an arse. But the voters are stuck with me for five years. I can’t be got rid of no matter how utterly incompetent I might be.

    You English already know this. You tested the theory of asshole promotion out with Gordon Brown. Ok, so he was never elected by anybody, but he was still the turd in the sink for five years.

    So .. before you vote in 2015, just think. Which of these gormless cretins do I want to have to listen to and watch fucking everything up for five years?

    Like

  7. 7

    Oi Guido, ya fat mick fuck, we do not give flying monkey fuck what those dirty bastard Frog fucks do. Let the fucking arrogant fucks starve for all we fucking care. Get back to reporting real ENGLISH political news you water muddying fuck. Why no news on the fat tory fucker who came down in that chopper last night? Best chopper crash since that one took out all those sweaty drunks and the pigs who were flying it in Glasgow.

    Like

    • 11
      Modbot says:

      I’ve just fainted

      Like

    • 33
      Anonymous says:

      Is that you Nell?

      Like

      • 38
        aurora borealis says:

        Er No. Not me! I don’t like the use of bad or offensive language. If there’s a point to make it can be made with proper and polite and professional English. It’s not necessary to swear.

        Like

        • 40
          aurora borealis says:

          but of course russellbrand and his cohorts absolutely revel in foul langiage , smearing and being offensive etc etc

          presumably, even though it makes them look like idiots, they think it makes them rich and popular!

          Like

        • 45
          Baboon's arse says:

          ——— irony ———>

               nell’s head.

          (We wuv u nell reeelly.)

          Like

        • 62
          was it something I said? says:

          It’s not necessary to swear.

          It’s not ban*ned either.

          Like

          • Blowing Whistles says:

            You appear to be new here – i have long since blogged about ‘Colloquial English’ – and you as below are becoming fucking boring with yeur metal piece – it’s SOOO fucking yesterday or was it the day before?

            Like

          • was it something I said? says:

            When you make a fundamental error such as declaring fluoride to be a heavy metal then it behoves you to say ‘Do you know what, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking about, I was thinking of (say) Strontium Fluoride when I wrote that and got confused’. You do not simply pretend such a fuck up never happened but, if you do, you really cannot whine like a little gurl when people take the piss out of you.

            You fucking lunatic.

            Like

          • was it something I said? says:

            Go on. You know you want to.

            Like

          • Ozzy says:

            I was raised on fluoride

            ROFL!

            Like

      • 118
        not nice says:

        could be tim

        Like

  8. 8
    She's been gone too long says:

    Like

  9. 12
    C Bass says:

    Anthony Wedgwood Benn. A politician who performed the job asked of him by his constituents, who was unafraid to speak his mind, who always stuck by his principles and served the people of the world well.

    For any politician, that is all we ask.

    So how about it PPE newspeak careerists?

    Like

    • 14
      aurora borealis says:

      Well I agree with most of what you say except that ‘ he served the people of the world well’ because he didn’t!

      Like

    • 22
      C.O.Jones says:

      Benn was on the political stage for an awful long time!

      Can you enlighten me as to his achievements during this period of time?

      Like

      • 25
        Post office tower calling says:

        He turned the radio dj’s into pirates, then brought them ashore and created radio 1, he made Concord into Concorde, achievements zero, but he did make himself richer and the people of the country poorer, I suppose that’s an achievement.

        Like

      • 44
        aurora borealis says:

        Too long!

        Like

      • 159
        Dessert Rat says:

        Well erm, you know, wotsit, erm, lots of stuff.

        Like

    • 26
      was it something I said? says:

      Wedgie was PPE too. Ex-Winchester boy as well.

      Same as Clegg.

      Like

    • 71
      Indigo says:

      Shirley Williams said on R4 today that Tony Benn put party members before constituents.

      Like

      • 140
        and yet says:

        … and Shirley Williams put her foul ideology before the educational welfare of so far four generations of our children. That cow should be the number three on this week’s great reaper’s list.

        Like

        • 161
          Dessert Rat says:

          I was hoping she was going to die this weekend, I had her in a treble bet with Benn and Crow.
          There’s no fucking justice!

          Like

  10. 13
    aurora borealis says:

    “He is also a big fan of gangsta rap having written a book by that name, with his latest work ‘Detorit Sampler’ set to hit the shelves in the coming weeks”

    Oh Dear his book is going to compete for buyers with russellbrand’s book on revolution and how to make the world a better place!! Presumably they’ll sell about as well as gordonbrown’s books on economics and stuff!!

    OMG ROFL. Are these people for real??!

    Like

    • 18
      Zulu Bambotanwanasasanackas says:

      I would say they are “for real” and they probably don’t use such wankspeak like “OMG” and “ROFL” as fucktards like you do. The are also far, far more richer and popular that you. Now fuck off back to your sad little Facebook profile where you can use other such wankspeak like “simples” on other fucktards posts of their boring life. Dicksplash.

      Like

      • 27
        Same old song says:

        FFA, well said. Fack off Nell.

        Like

      • 32
        aurora borealis says:

        Bless! So being RICH is the important issue for these fragile personalities of doubtful intelligence and even less political knowledge is it?

        Like

  11. 15
    Owen Jones says:

    Apparently MARX also died on the 14thMarch!

    Like

    • 23
      Steve Coogan says:

      Karl never was any good at stand-up comedy. Bit like me, really.

      Like

      • 35
        aurora borealis says:

        KarlMarx wasn’t any good at earning a living either, or too lazy – his distraught, disappointed and wealthy mother kept him fed and watered as he propounded his worthless theories!

        He was the perfect example of early benefit dependence!!

        Like

    • 141
      and yet says:

      … and Caesar on 15th. Beware the Ides etc…

      Like

  12. 16
    No Fool like an Old Fool says:

    What are the
    chances of Hollande being re-elected? Surely, the French are not that thick? Like the French economy Hollande’s career resembles a car crash. He will have to sleep with every slag in France in his vain attempts at misdirecting the French from the real issue of concern. The economy!

    Bon Voyage!

    Like

    • 36
      aurora borealis says:

      I rather suspect sarkozy is going to stand for election again next time and I rather suspect he’s going to win.

      what a blow for militwit who said hollande was his idol!

      Like

      • 55
        Blowing Whistles says:

        The people in France probably haven’t cottoned on that both the left and the right are the equal and opposite of ‘controlled’ by the higher ‘international eh’. Plus Ca change – there is only ever the impression and big dupe of there being a ‘shift from the left to a shift to the right’ [theres a song about that] – same international eh just idiot puppet tool fooling around to stay in control.

        Like

        • 119
          constituency trainbound says:

          the french are lovely people who are generally completely fed up with politicians and the system as it is but with a totally padded public sector and powerless presidents when push comes to shove france will take years to change greatly.

          Like

          • and yet says:

            Might be a bit earlier than that if the muzzies really kick off

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            doubt that will overshadow the genuine frustration in the country that the costs of doing business are ridiculously high particuarly to employ people and a very intransigent union domination in state sectors that refuse to rationalise the structures and consequent costs.

            hollande was the wrong man with a totally misguided socialist conviction to be elected president .. sarkozy came in as a little firebrand steeled to confront the public sector head-on but ground
            to a halt within two years of election and as the recession hit was powerless to regain the momentum of his initial appeal. carla et al finished him off.

            how french presidents think they can get away with shuffling the mingers in their lives like cards is beyond me but thats the ‘je ne sait quoi’ of the specie

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            sais … schoolboy french again

            Like

      • 162
        Dessert Rat says:

        Those Dutch bastards deserve him.

        Like

  13. 17
    If Dave can peel himself away from the child p0rn for 5 mins says:

    Cameron should bomb F’rance so they can surrender early.

    That would really confuse P’tin.

    Like

    • 20
      Charmed I'm Sure says:

      I like your fucking style mate, carpet bomb the little bastards but fuck letting them surrender. Bomb the fuckery out of every fucking one of them until all that is left is the dogshit smeared blood stained pavements of Paris. Then we can move across Euroe, take out the fucking Germ and the W0ps and the Pork and Cheesers, flatten the fucking boring Dutch back into the sea. No need to worry about anything east of Poland as it is all basically stone age there anyway and they do make some decent porn, I saw one recently where some monkey faced eastern Euro girl was elbow deep in some old flappers baggy arsehole and another monkey faced slag pissed all over the pair of them, real stone blowing stuff I have to say. Nice one on calling Cameron out on the baby sn’uff watching too. Never was an autopsy on that Ivan the spacca lad they let Lord Brittan bum fuck to death.

      Like

    • 42
      Vlad says:

      Don’t you dare, I’ll turn that fucking gas off!

      Like

  14. 21
    Frigsby says:

    It is a sad week for socialism and the working man – Bob Crow and Tony Benn were both men of conviction and integrity. RIP.

    Like

    • 24
      Bill Quango MP says:

      The main difference was Crow actually achieved something. Benn only managed to get his idea for removing the Queen’s head from stamps overruled.

      Like

  15. 29
    Same old song says:

    Beeboids getting knicker twisted over the banned question in the mosk at brum re gay mossier rights. Question was not put because of …security concerns. Oh that trusty steed, well what did you have in mind?

    PS you lot will be the first to swing off the lamp posts when the breeders choose to strike.

    Like

  16. 46
    JH-230912384590231-1 says:

    Can I ask a serious question?

    Who is now the most influential figure on the left?

    Living, I mean. It’s a depressing one to contemplate for lefties, if they are honest. And they’re not.

    Also depressing for the fucking country, considering they are probably going to meander into power in 14 months and see it as a mandate to really, really fuck us this time.

    Like

  17. 47
    BREAKING.... says:

    US Drone “Intercepted” Over Crimea By Russian ‘Self-Defence’ Forces.

    An American scout-attack drone, “almost invisible at a height of 4000 meters” has, according to AFP, been intercepted in the Crimean sky. Reports from the Russian state arms and technology group Rostec stated, judging by side-markings it was an MQ-5B drone – which is likely part of the 66th US Recon Brigade based in Bavaria. It was possible to break the drone’s link with its American operators with the help of the EW (electronic warfare) complex Avtobaza. As a result, the device made an emergency landing and passed into the possession of the self-defences forces almost unbroken.”

    Like

    • 49
      was it something I said? says:

      Probably were able to detect the drone because of the all the fluoride heavy metal it was carrying.

      Like

      • 76
        Blowing Whistles says:

        You are becoming fucking pathetic.

        Like

        • 82
          was it something I said? says:

          You’re a fucking lunatic.

          Like

          • Baboon's arse says:

            You are jgm2 and I claim etc.

            Tip: do not engage with BW for he is, as you quite rightly point out, a fucking lunatic.

            Like

          • was it something I said? says:

            I am. But that moniker is temporarily blocked.

            Was it something I said?

            Like

          • Baboon's arse says:

            The fluoride thing could become a meme. Needs lots of riffing and repetition, but it really gets up his nose. Once it’s well established you need do no more than mention any other halide, e.g. table salt, to keep the joke going.

            On the other hand, why bother?

            Like

          • was it something I said? says:

            I’m liking the meme thing. I’m liking the whole halide thing.

            This has legs. Fluoride legs. Chloride legs. Iodide legs.

            Plus it’s as funny as hell taking the piss out of such a conceited fuckwit.

            Like

      • 147
        Jamie o'Liver says:

        You’re probably thinking of flouride – used for making rock cakes.

        Like

    • 51
      aurora borealis says:

      Bit amazing given that radar is struggling to identify the malaysian airliner that has apparently been hijacked. Could this be russian propaganda?

      Like

      • 58
        C O (Ξ6) says:

        There has been no real confirmation as of yet, and F’rench reporters have been targeted in Cr!mea over the past few days.

        Back to Cold War games: Would really need confirmation from Washington.

        Like

        • 77
          Blowing Whistles says:

          And guess who ‘controlled the whole of the cold war’ and had the spooks chasing their own tails for fucking decades? Hello ….

          Like

    • 56
      JH-230912384590231-1 says:

      Very possibly using technology gleaned from the drone that Iran captured almost intact after it sycamored down due to silly flying wing design with no vertical surfaces.

      They don’t fuck about these Russkies.

      Like

      • 74
        Socialism Ate My Future says:

        They used a “Avtobaza” incredible bit of kit. Methinks the Iranians used it to bring down the American “stealth” drone, I could have my wires crossed with that one though.

        Like

  18. 48
    Taxpayer says:

    A 50p top rate? So way less than the 62% lunacy we have then?

    Like

    • 64
      Conor Bitcoin says:

      I would not work my socks off if some other fucker was going to take 50% or more off me in taxes.

      I would rather stay in bed go to the beach or cut the grass.

      Like

  19. 57
    Blowing Whistles says:

    A wacs interfeered with the commercial blip that was that plane. The passengers’ mobiles were still working many hours after they ‘disappeared’ … so where were they landed to?

    Like

    • 59
      C O (Ξ6) says:

      The plane would need a landing strip about 2km long in order to land in one piece. To get back off the ground it would need to be re-fuelled.

      Like

      • 63
        Anonymous says:

        Perhaps he could write a speech to explain how this normal 59 year old bachelor of modest financial means was caught leaving a 2.5 million euro flat with rumored links to the Corsican Mafia wearing a crash helmet having spent the night with a french actress over 20 years his junior who was about to be placed on the State payroll.

        Like

    • 60
      was it something I said? says:

      Some evil genius (probably a Bilderberger and/or Joo) has taken them to a secret location to film a reality series based on ‘Lost’.

      Like

      • 69
        Blowing Whistles says:

        Hey there ‘Was it SIS’ – keep up the good work; lets all keep on exploring every possible avenue and road; every misleading msm / dead tree press ‘distraction’; after all the “it’s them terr.orists [their FIRST AND ALWAYS CALL] over there wot dunnit” mantra has gone down like a lead baloon. [99 red ba'loons' < EU ones! Pun intended].

        Lear.ned i am.

        Like

  20. 65
    Benny Hill says:

    Like

  21. 68
  22. 70
    Anonymous says:

    That’ll be “Detroit Sampler” presumably?

    Like

  23. 72
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Gonna have a few beers now wot with me winnings from the Gold Cup and Lord Windy today. got on at 25′s too.

    Like

  24. 73
    Same old song says:

    Wouldn’t want to be the mozzies responsible when the chin’ese find out who hi jacked the plane.

    Like

  25. 85
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Noted – that al jazz / Lockerbie advert atop. Now what was i sayin on here about that Lockerbie cover up some months ago … i must go back and remind i self.

    Has Chilcot – been sectioned yet?

    Like

  26. 90
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Has Ed Miilband or Ed Balls said anything about the latest fuck ups at the Co-Op. CEO leaves, huge losses and a dysfunctional management structure, I am glad that they don’t run breweries. Doesn’t look like a good model to copy.

    Like

  27. 92
    Splice the main brace says:

    I bet Putin’s kacking himself with fear.

    Torpedo Fired By Navy Into Plymouth Dockyard
    The incident was during an exercise and training has been suspended while an investigation takes place to find out the cause.

    http://news.sky.com/story/1226196/torpedo-fired-by-navy-into-plymouth-dockyard

    Like

    • 101
      Aldis lamp a ready, trouble is nobody can read morse says:

      The country screwed, the RN gone to pot, next thing you will tell us, the RN will give a rib to the Iranian navy and let a few of our sailors have a nice Iranian holiday, seems we are turning into a turd world country already, gawd help us.

      Like

  28. 98
    C O (Ξ6) says:

    General travel advisory from US State Dept regarding the Russ!an Federat!on:

    http://travel.state.gov/content/passports/english/alertswarnings/russia-travel-alert-events-in-ukraine.html

    Like

    • 107
      was it something I said? says:

      I seem to be geopolitical kryptonite.

      Back in 2010 I was planning to spend the summer of 2011 dr*i*ving around the Med. Down through France, across to Tunisia, through Libya, Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Turkey and back through Europe.

      Whole fucking place goes to sh*it. End up in Italy for the summer.

      This summer I’m going around the world. Take the fucking train. Trans-Canada. Alaska. Fly to Vietnam. Take the train home.

      Now this. Have you any fucking idea what a pain in the arse it is to go via China, Khazaks*tan, Uzbekis*tan, Turkmenis*tan, Azerbaijan and back home?

      I am to travel what Gordon Brown is to economics.

      At this rate the fucking Canadians will be at war with Quebec by the summer.

      Like

      • 136
        C O (Ξ6) says:

        It isn’t you.

        Suspect that the R-Fed strategy involves some other countries which are intent on destabilizing certain points in order to weaken US power and upset global balance.

        Like

      • 168
        Dessert Rat says:

        I am reporting you to the UN you are a danger to mankind!

        Like

  29. 105
    Ed Balls - Shallow Chancer says:

    Like

    • 109
      Anonymous says:

      Like

      • 111
        was it something I said? says:

        Not to be confused with Labour making a political scandal into a banking scandal.

        The c*unt.

        Like

        • 115
          was it something I said? says:

          Oh, sorry, it was worse than that. Having fucked up the UK economy they blamed it on the bankers. Then, having blamed it on the bankers they blamed it on the Tory bankers. Before you knew it they’d dropped ‘bankers’ and the entire Brownian clusterfuck was being blamed on the Tories who hadn’t been in power for the last 13 years.

          Fatcha. ‘Big Bang’. Fuck all to do with us.

          And the yanks. Fatcha and the yanks.

          Not us.

          Vote labour.

          Like

        • 145
          M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

          Has Owen Jones started smoking a pipe yet?

          Like

      • 116
        The BBC are cunts says:

        The Libor scandal was all Fatcher’s fault.

        Like

      • 124
        cheche says:

        If this is what News Night turns into …………………..

        Like

        • 126
          was it something I said? says:

          It’s a short step from where it is now, Invisible to the naked eye.

          Like

        • 127
          constituency trainbound says:

          its a busted flush really but the time slot and the right balance of subject and it can be very good … but given the timing of todays appointment and the upcoming elections it’s performance will come under great scrutiny.

          even humphreys r4 is acknowledging bias but paxman will keep at it when he gets one on him

          Like

  30. 128
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    BBC says: “no more old shag from pipe smoking Ben”.

    Like

  31. 129
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

    HHHEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP !!!

    Like

    • 132
      A nony mous says:

      If only the Conservatives were conservative…

      Like

      • 134
        Screw the LibLabCon says:

        If only Dave would fuck off.

        Like

        • 135
          Labour are toast says:

          Hahahahahahahahahahah

          Labour lead at 1 and this is just two many times to be an outlier. A year to go and the economy is starting to boom.

          On those figures Balls is toast at the GE

          Hahahaha

          Like

  32. 133
    Peter Hitchens wins the debate in New York says:

    Like

  33. 138
    non taxable pikey says:

    We just have to improve the standard of our political insults. Take a look at how Edogan does it.
    http://www.todayszaman.com/blog/mahir-zeynalov_342166_erdogans-top-15-insults-world-leaders-usually-dont-make.html

    Like

  34. 150
    Anonymous says:

    “Hollande Has 99 Problems But”
    what politician doesn’t? Maybe if they passed the selection of policies back to the people.(Where it belongs incidentally). Then concentrated on carrying out those directives which were majority mandated. They wouldn’t be in such a quandary. Since it seems its only in a demockracy, that no one can hear the population scream, (for a plebiscite).

    Like

  35. 156
    Tin foil top hat says:

    I presume Detorit is a mistake?

    Detroit?

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

Ruffley Could Be Suspended From Commons | Telegraph
Ruffley Loses Confidence of Constituency | Guardian
Ruffley Under Pressure to Quit | Telegraph
Gove Launches Ruffley Probe | Staggers
Clegg Must Fire David Ward | Sun
David Ruffley’s Campaign Against Domestic Violence | Buzzfeed
LibDem Criticises Clegg Over Farage Debates | Express
Ruffley Must Go | Guardian
Political Correctness Breeds Extremism in Schools | Chris McGovern
Ruffley Faces Crisis Meeting | ITV
I Sang “Maggie Out” (When I Was 7) | Liz Truss


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New Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond has big ambitions in his first meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu today:

“I came to bring this conflict to an end.”



Flight Watch says:

Russia Today is a cauldron of bullsh*t. The only people that take it seriously are deluded conspiracy theorists. Other RT journos have resigned citing the same reasons.

It’s about as believable as Press TV, KCNA of North Korea or the Daily Mirror.


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