March 14th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Express Conspiracy Theory Edition)


  1. 1
    Sizzla says:

    British jobs for Greek workers

  2. 2
    jgm2 says:

    No, I’ve no idea how it works either.

  3. 3
    frenchjohn says:

    You jump in lad. I’ll shovel the shit onto you

  4. 4
    Betty Badger says:

    Have you found Maddie McCann yet ?

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    Now Mr Cleg just step this way

  6. 6
    Nig Evans will love it prison, all those c*cks all in one place... says:

    Phil: “Well, that’s all the evidence buried of my lifetime of nefarious activities”

    Iron Cast: (Whistling hi ho) “buried what…”

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    There was never a dull moment listening to him, even if you disagreed with him

  8. 8
    Steve Miliband says:

    I said ‘an intern for the Queen’ not to bloody inter her

  9. 9
    Welshracer says:

    “Right we bury those Guido Fawkes boys next”

  10. 10
    Lord Mooncrater says:

    I think we can get Benn in OK but to get Crow in as well means digging down another ten meters.

  11. 11
    Disco Biscuit says:

    “No, it’s the Peoples’ Flower Bed”

  12. 12
    The electorate says:

    Right Dave, you can put the shovel down and get in. There’s a good chap…

  13. 13
    Garfield says:

    Tell me Prince Philip just why did you want me to dig this grave? and what is the Royal prerogative

  14. 14
    Steve Miliband says:

    So first we kick it into the long grass and then we bury it.

  15. 15
    Navvie More says:

    One always digs in one’s suit and loafers.

  16. 16
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This is where I buried Conservatism.

  17. 17
    geordieboy says:

    That’s my bad news buried, what about yours Phil.

  18. 18
    Steve Miliband says:

    ”Act natural. They won’t suspect a thing”

  19. 19
    flowers coop says:

    Oh so you think 2015 you’ll be buried at GE Dave.

  20. 20
    Cast Iron says:

    But I thought Kate had been behaving herself…

  21. 21
    Lizard Man says:

    Cameron: “Come on Phil I’ve dug your grave so be a good sport and die. I need something to distract the plebs and another state funeral would be just the ticket.”

  22. 22
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Is that Tony Benn’s raincoat?

  23. 23
    Joe Pesci says:

    I’ll sort Clegg out, you guys just dig the friggin hole.

  24. 24
    M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

    “Cameron, you young fool, could you not find a spade to dig that hole?”

  25. 25
    Gray V'digger says:

    I’m not wearing a hard hat just to watch some oik with a spade. Damnable cheek!

  26. 26
    Diane says:


  27. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Which Ed is this for?

  28. 28
    the general public says:

    …we have a winner

  29. 29
    Bloke in a bowler hat says:

    Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

    Don’t dig there, dig it elsewhere
    Your digging it round and it ought to be square
    The shape of it’s wrong, it’s much much too long
    And you can’t put hole where a hole don’t belong

  30. 30
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’m not one to mince my words.

    I call a spade a tool with a sharp-edged, typically rectangular, metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth.

  31. 31
    Flowery power says:

    Truth and honesty was buried here Phil, we don’t need it as we are just like you ,hangers on, taking public money for sitting on our behinds.

  32. 32
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    Rebekah tips Phil and Dave off as to where the bodies are buried.

  33. 33
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Another day, another sod.

  34. 34
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Don’t tell Liz. Just whack Charles with the sharp end and push him in.
    Better for everyone that way!

  35. 35
    Cast Iron Dave - Labour Stooge says:

    I’m down with the homos, innit.

    I really dig it man.

  36. 36
    lickyalips says:

    Now we both know where the bodies are buried.

  37. 37
    Garfield says:

    “Britain is ready for a gay Prime Minister, Clegg and Milliband claim as same-sex marriage becomes law”

    As each day goes by it is increasingly obvious that Clegg and Milliband are slowly but surely losing the plot.

  38. 38
    aurora borealis says:

    So you think this is where tonyblair buried his records before he left office?

  39. 39
    Anonymous says:

    Are they burying Tony Benn? If so, lemme grab a couple of bottles and head over to pay my respects.

  40. 40
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Peedos, Green Nazis & other Wasters says:

    This one is for France and the next one is for the UK when Labour get in.

  41. 41
    Cast Iron Davė says:

    I’m sure we put James Hewitt somewhere round here.

  42. 42
    Phil the G'reek says:

  43. 43
    Bill Shakespeare says:

    Alas poor Boris – I knew him. Johnson: a fellow
    of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

  44. 44
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This is the actual hole that Ed Balls left in the finances.

  45. 45
    We really are just ordinary people says:

    And you say people do this sh1t for a living??

  46. 46
    Prince Philip says:

    When I said bring me that spade, I didn’t mean that you blithering imbecile.

    Get me Chukka.

  47. 47
    Afghanistan Banana Stand says:

    I have to dig another one? Who’s gone and died today?

  48. 48
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Dave … Your wife sir…yes ahem … I am sure she was around her somewhere…err ehm

  49. 49
    Tony Blair is a war criminal says:

    So this is where the Fiat driver is buried then?

  50. 50
    Paniagua V5.1 says:

    How to confuse Cameron.

    Show him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

  51. 51
    Bill Quango MP says:

    PP – Spade eh?,,Cast iron?

    Dc – let’s not start all that again..

  52. 52
    Mr Rotivator says:

    You carry on with your pocket billiards, Philip, I will stand here and pretend to not notice”

  53. 53
    I've got a dark brown overcoat says:

    This is definitely where Gordon’s rainbow coalition ended –

    but where did he hide all the gold ?

  54. 54
    Cast Iron Dave - Labour Stooge says:

    That’s enough money trees planted for now.

  55. 55
    jgm2 says:

    This is what we use to teach the Ir*i*sh to stand on their hind legs.

  56. 56
    Nigel Evans says:

    Are you after my lucky charms?

  57. 57
    Rastus Q. McHunter says:

    “You ask for one good day to bury bad news and you get two.”

  58. 58
    phil and his 4 nazi party sisters says:

    it’s a good job you’re not black.

  59. 59
    HRH says:

    I suppose it’s cheaper than a wheelbarrow.

  60. 60
    Fuck yEU! says:

    All you Benn haters, are you saying you didn’t even agree with him on the EU?

  61. 61
    Davíd Cameron circa 2015 says:

    Labour promise of a guaranteed job turned out to be true after all.

  62. 62
    WB says:

    didn’t need to dig it that big to bury the Lib Dems

  63. 63
    Twampersand mk III says:

    Cameron caught red-faced with a dirty old man in a mac on Clapham Common.
    Claims he was just ‘digging for badgers’.

  64. 64
    Anonymous says:

    Well you put the pile of shit there, in the first place, pleb!

  65. 65
    Cameron is a piece of shit says:

    Now kneel while I shoot you in the face.

  66. 66
    Bill Quango MP says:

    We are gathered here today to remember the fourth anniversary of the passing of “The Big Society”.

  67. 67
    Belasarius T says:

    I always say you should call a spade a spade, but Liz tells me to shut up.

  68. 68
    A Lords resting place says:

    Another Labour dinosaur resting place, well dug. He was a Lord, once. Well done for digging the whole you Eton pleb.

  69. 69
    dioclese says:

    “There! That’s that bastard Benn dealt with…”

  70. 70
    Blair is Evil says:

    He was right about Blair.

  71. 71
    Frankie Boyle says:

    “And this is where Lord McAlpine buried the boy.”

  72. 72
    Hugh Grant says:

    Freedom of the Press, RIP

  73. 73
    S. Beckett says:

    Auditions for ‘Waiting for Scargill-Oh’

  74. 74
    jgm2 says:

    Look, look, here comes Brown. Let’s tell him it’s the controls for an invisible Segway.

  75. 75
    Steve Miliband says:

    It’s a grave situation

  76. 76
    Fillip says:

    I need a spade as well. Get me that Chucker chappie.

  77. 77
    Ah! ha says:

    Yes Your Highness, I’ve dug my own grave. It’s called a selfie, I think.

  78. 78
    Prince Philip says:

    Very good, now go get your shine box.

  79. 79
    Joe Moore says:

    Shit they have found it

  80. 80

    “You better give me that shovel you spoon faced twat , the word around Westminster is one is not fit to shovel shit”

  81. 81
    Phil says:

    And you say that these cast iron guarantees can’t be found – not even with a metal detector?

  82. 82

    Err no sir you must be mistaken , i haven’t seen Rebekah Brooks for weeks

  83. 83
    Bill Quango MP says:

    “I must have misread the text. I thought you asked if I wanted to go up to the common for a spot of digging.”

  84. 84
    Elegant lady says:


  85. 85
    nay geedo says:

    Did your fag have such a stiff shaft?

  86. 86
    UKIP or bust says:

    “And I don’t think digging HER up is going to help either”

  87. 87
    grasmit says:

    Just look natural,pretend you are something to do with badgers.

  88. 88
    Prince Philip says:

    Are you Corgi registered?

  89. 89
    Captain Obvious says:

    Dave: “Is that my arse, Your Highness?”
    HRH: “A question which just goes to prove what many have said about you, lad…”

  90. 90
    Conservative in 2010 says:

    Prince Philip: “I’m glad you’ve got a second career to fall back on after 2015, Cameron.”

  91. 91
    was it something I said? says:

    McAlpine’s Fusiliers, Surrey Regiment.

  92. 92
    Bob says:

    ooh! suit you sir!

  93. 93
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Except that no one agreed with him did they? He was into Owen Jones world class delusions long before Owen Jones was invented.
    Harold Wilson thought him a lefty loon..

  94. 94

    “I say young Cameron , Has one had any luck locating Tony Blairs expenses claim form yet” ?

  95. 95
    HRH says:

    I see you lean on your own sholvel. We used to have a chap who leant on my shovel for me, but had to let him go. The cuts, you know. One has to do what one can.

  96. 96

    CCTV captures the moment that the PM fell victim to the Hyde park flasher

  97. 97
    The cooler king says:

    They’ll never find Harry

  98. 98
    was it something I said? says:

  99. 99
    Sudetenland says:

    “Well, that’s got rid of Putin’s presents to her Maj.”

  100. 100
    David Scameron, Prime Sinister, says:

    “You’re funny, Your Highness…”
    “Funny? Funny how? Like a clown? I’m here to amuse you?”
    “Sure, go ahead, joke– but just remember how Joe Pesci ends up in Casino, sir…all I’m gonna say about it…”

  101. 101
    Skeleton bob says:

    It’s a good day to bury Commies.

  102. 102
    verticalwater says:

    I told you she wouldn’t have the phone book with her!

  103. 103
    Táxpáyér says:

    Well I am heir to Blair.

  104. 104

    “Britain is ready for a gay Prime Minister”

    We already have one

  105. 105
    Huzzah says:


    No, it’s not Benn, I’m just burying my dreams of winning the next election, along with my convictions.

  106. 106
    Myfanwy says:

    HRH Philip: Who is this guy leaning on his shovel pretending he has dug this hole, in his best suit and shinny shoes, does he think he is royalty or something, wants get some b***** work done, blooming skiver.

  107. 107
    Dave PM says:

    Patrick told me to bury the dead kid from his pictures…

  108. 108
    Joe Pesci says:

    Dammit! Hoist with my own petard:

  109. 109

    The final moment before Phillip entered Daves hole

  110. 110
    Huzzah says:

    He only had three things to say. And when you had heard them once, it was extremely tedious to hear it all again.

  111. 111
    coffindodga says:

    Well those GMO crops were a failure,but at least it killed all the f***ing badgers.

  112. 112
    Pete says:

    DIY Fracking

  113. 113
    The Cheshire Cat says:

    Duke: I’ve always called a spade a spade
    Cameron: Makes a change from sh1t shovelling

  114. 114

    “I say what , a beautifully crafted piece of quality British engineering , now how does one tiurn it on What” ?

  115. 115
    Poet's day says:

    “that’s that then – Wills next in line…”

  116. 116
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    David Cameron turns sod.

  117. 117
    Pete says:

    Cameron: “A good day to bury bad news, sir.”

  118. 118
    LabourNutter says:

    Phil: I’m not dead yet.

  119. 119
    Jim says:

    Cameron: “Well… that’s Operation Fernbridge sorted, sir.”

  120. 120
    Dangerous Brian says:

    Mr Cat, where have you been?

  121. 121
    (Optional) says:

    “Good day to bury bad news”

    “Yup, that what I called Camilla as well.”

  122. 122
    BLAZINOAH says:

    Phillip: It’s what Diana would have wanted David – a gangbang outdoors with Crow and Wedgewood!

  123. 123
    Lord Mooncrater says:

    A “What the Labour Party Wants To Do To You” video.

  124. 124
    broderick crawford says:

    Duke ;

    Is this plot shovel ready then Camisole?

    Dave : Yes you can expire at will your Dukeness.

  125. 125
    Anonymous says:

    Philip: yar Umm, Ed will fit
    David: Whh Thoo Whooo

  126. 126
    broderick crawford says:

    Duke : If you re going to do the horny handed son of shovelling toil bit for God s sake lose the whistle and flute !! –you look worse than Bojo legs akimbo on some winch in a crash helmet and a three piece bespoke ..

  127. 127
    Oscar Misterious says:

    Clegg? Nah … not been around eer fer’ages Guv.

  128. 128
    broderick crawford says:

    Dave: I don t demean myself by actually shovelling ….. this is just my “we re all in it together” pose– it s going on the next Pirelli calendar.

  129. 129
    Twampersand mk III says:

    How can you tell its a female?

  130. 130

    you can’t keep burying your mistakes on my land sod off out of it

  131. 131
    Every penny co(u)nts says:

    Sorry Duke, you’ll have to put up with potholes on your shooting range. It’s the cuts you know…

  132. 132

    I’m in management that’s why my hands are in my pockets, you are trade that’s why yours are wrapped round a spade

  133. 133
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Greetings! I have been enjoying a busy life without trying to fight needless battles with an automated symposiarch! :-D

  134. 134

    I ask you to bury the cat not dig out the drains!

  135. 135
    Pooor taste wins cap comps says:

    Duke: WTF you doing here?

    Just looking for a missing 777 Duke.

  136. 136

    Spanish treasure, let me have a look at that bloody map

  137. 137
    Maimed Codger says:

    This is too good for the slitty eyed commy who killed Caroline…

  138. 138

    are you workfare or is this a second job?

  139. 139

    Let’s knock off and let the council take care of it, I need a pint

  140. 140

    I fought in the war and I can tell you that trench provides no cover at all, if you lie down you would get your arse shot off

  141. 141

    do you have planning permission or a permit for this work?

  142. 142
    Maimed Codger says:

    So you have got Moles as well then David…..

  143. 143

    My wife send me down here to ask if you want a cup of tea, you have done a good ten minutes she said

  144. 144

    you do realise the ground isn’t level?

  145. 145
    Strongholdbarricades says:

    I’m sure I left my “Leadershiop for Dummies” around here somewhere

  146. 146
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Well that’s Bob and Tony done. Just need Ken for the hat trick.

  147. 147
    will of stratford says:

    And make poor England weep in streams of blood!
    Let them not live to taste this land’s increase
    That would with treason wound this fair land’s peace!
    Now civil wounds are stopp’d, peace lives again:
    That she may long live here, God say amen!

  148. 148
    gimp says:

    “i asked for a grave digger, not a gay dogger”

  149. 149

    One man can make a difference but I would like this finished by the end of the week so dig and be happy in your work

  150. 150

    Can I borrow your mechanical digger, I will wash it and put it back in the shed afterwards….. promise!

  151. 151

    Third runway for London here, piss off

  152. 152

    No, you can’t bury Boris here, just throw him in the Thames

  153. 153
    paul collings says:

    Ok that’s the hole dug. Just wait for the rain and see if its big enough.

  154. 154

    Let me get this right, you work on the tools and you don’t know any hetro sex stories!!!!!!

  155. 155

    DC; is that horseshit?

    Phillip; no it is earth, the big bits are called clumps, education dumbed down again

  156. 156

    I have a box set of the Loveboat have you watched the series?

  157. 157
    BLAZINOAH says:

    That hole should be big enough to bury Diane when she gets back.

  158. 158
    ex Tory Voter says:

    Phil: You’re going to have to work faster than that if you’re going to build another 100,000 houses in Hampshire. Idle sod.

  159. 159
    The General says:

    ” Charles ? , No no haven’t seen him!”

  160. 160
    David says:

    That’s the EU Referendum dealt with, now, we just need to bury free speech.

  161. 161
    betterlatethannever says:

    When I took the job I didn’t realise the PM was so personally involved in all the arrangements for the monarch’s funeral

  162. 162
    Poet's day says:

    Man in dirty mac playing pocket billiards “Sorry, I thought it was an invitation to go dogging…”

  163. 163
    BC says:

    Why do you think the bastards are making us dig a hole ?

  164. 164
    Wilthsire Boy says:

    You’ll need a much deeper hole than that to bury traditional Tory values.

  165. 165
    Rachel Johnson - lovely top bollocks says:

    You’ll need a bigger fucking hole.

  166. 166
    Jack the Ripper says:

    CAMERON : I’m not sure about this, Phil. Can we really put Richard III in your back garden?

  167. 167

    Right. Now get out there and pick up all the bird kill from my wind farm.

  168. 168
    EyeSee says:

    ‘It’s time to go’.

  169. 169
    Ziz says:

    Cameron, attempting to make small talk

    “you know, the playing fields of Eton are flooded at the moment”


    “pucking good thing too. Long shall they remain so”

  170. 170
    BotMod Rules OK says:

    this will be a renegiotiation to our relationship with the eu

  171. 171

    Dook ‘I’m a shit shoveller myself. But I like to see a professional at it, so carry on!’

  172. 172

    Casino ?

    You mean Goodfellas

  173. 173

    Poor reviews for Ralph and Ted remake.

  174. 174
    HateLieBore says:

    Well, that’s the end of that leftie bastard.

    Dead and buried at long last.

  175. 175
    Jimmy says:

    She was truly the NOW’s princess

  176. 176
    Never heard it before says:

    What a great song,was it ever in the charts?

  177. 177
    Ambrose Pilchard Evans says:

    Mine your way out of this Owen!

  178. 178
    Harry Krishna says:

    I tell you this was the place where I dropped one of my medals!!

  179. 179
    Up the workers !! says:

    P.Philip –
    -” Nerrrrr..eth ….we have dug the hole now all one needs is that anti royalist scoundrel Tony Benn”


  180. 180
    Rightallalong says:

    Phillip : So what exactly have you buried there ?
    DC : The Diana-Dodi files, the Dr Kelly files and my speeches pre 2010.

  181. 181
    Phil says:

    “Are you sure you want McCluskey next? I’d prefer that little c*nt Jones myself. Thinking long term d’you see.”

  182. 182
    Anonymous says:

    But won’t it be obvious the mayor’s gone missing?

  183. 183
    Robbie says:

    Both : “Guess where I dug up this old fossil?”

  184. 184
    Savile Row says:

    Nice suit

  185. 185
    Cynic says:

    Now who will check that she’s still; in there?

  186. 186
    Cynic says:

    “I am looking for a policy. You?”

  187. 187
    Cynic says:

    British spades for British workers

  188. 188
    Cynic says:

    Phil “Why are yoiu fracking in my fecking garden”


  189. 189
    Cynic says:


  190. 190
    thostids says:

    What d’yer mean, “she wanted burying at sea”?

  191. 191
    Andrew Neil Fan Club says:

    HRH: “Something’s bloody missing.
    I’m sure it was hands in pockets then
    ‘I’m Jake the Peg…’”

    PM: “Can you tell what it is yet?”

  192. 192
    Petermac says:

    And here, Your Royal Highness, is where I have buried the soul of the Conservative Party…

  193. 193
    Sir Mary Flappes says:

    “… and what do you do Sexton?”

  194. 194
    Clootie says:

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
    The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

  195. 195
    Enoch Powell says:

    The whole? The whole what?

  196. 196
    Rowli says:

    Paparazzi!?.. Thank God, he’s got a gun in that raincoat aNd he made me dig this hole..!

  197. 197
    Joe Pesci says:

    See 108 upthread in reply to 23, you gavone!

  198. 198
    Cynic says:

    DUKE “So where did that Boris chap go? He was here a moment ago”

  199. 199
    Anonymous says:

    Duke: You can’t put that Miliband in with Diana

  200. 200
    George Garside says:

    Phil, ” I rather liked that Farrage chap” Dave, So did half my backbenchers, don’t tell Liz, nobody will look for him in your backyard”.

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