March 14th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Express Conspiracy Theory Edition)


200 Comments

  1. 1
    Sizzla says:

    British jobs for Greek workers

    Like

    • 45
      We really are just ordinary people says:

      And you say people do this sh1t for a living??

      Like

      • 113
        The Cheshire Cat says:

        Duke: I’ve always called a spade a spade
        Cameron: Makes a change from sh1t shovelling

        Like

      • 126
        broderick crawford says:

        Duke : If you re going to do the horny handed son of shovelling toil bit for God s sake lose the whistle and flute !! –you look worse than Bojo legs akimbo on some winch in a crash helmet and a three piece bespoke ..

        Like

        • 128
          broderick crawford says:

          Dave: I don t demean myself by actually shovelling ….. this is just my “we re all in it together” pose– it s going on the next Pirelli calendar.

          Like

    • 87
      grasmit says:

      Just look natural,pretend you are something to do with badgers.

      Like

    • 105
      Huzzah says:

      Dave:

      No, it’s not Benn, I’m just burying my dreams of winning the next election, along with my convictions.

      Like

    • 127
      Oscar Misterious says:

      Clegg? Nah … not been around eer fer’ages Guv.

      Like

    • 196
      Rowli says:

      Paparazzi!?.. Thank God, he’s got a gun in that raincoat aNd he made me dig this hole..!

      Like

  2. 1
    jgm2 says:

    No, I’ve no idea how it works either.

    Like

    • 15
      Navvie More says:

      One always digs in one’s suit and loafers.

      Like

    • 106
      Myfanwy says:

      HRH Philip: Who is this guy leaning on his shovel pretending he has dug this hole, in his best suit and shinny shoes, does he think he is royalty or something, wants get some b***** work done, blooming skiver.

      Like

  3. 3
    frenchjohn says:

    You jump in lad. I’ll shovel the shit onto you

    Like

  4. 4
    Betty Badger says:

    Have you found Maddie McCann yet ?

    Like

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    Now Mr Cleg just step this way

    Like

  6. 6
    Nig Evans will love it prison, all those c*cks all in one place... says:

    Phil: “Well, that’s all the evidence buried of my lifetime of nefarious activities”

    Iron Cast: (Whistling hi ho) “buried what…”

    Like

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    There was never a dull moment listening to him, even if you disagreed with him

    Like

    • 68
      A Lords resting place says:

      Another Labour dinosaur resting place, well dug. He was a Lord, once. Well done for digging the whole you Eton pleb.

      Like

      • 169
        Ziz says:

        Cameron, attempting to make small talk

        “you know, the playing fields of Eton are flooded at the moment”

        Duke

        “pucking good thing too. Long shall they remain so”

        Like

      • 195
        Enoch Powell says:

        The whole? The whole what?

        Like

    • 93
      Bill Quango MP says:

      Except that no one agreed with him did they? He was into Owen Jones world class delusions long before Owen Jones was invented.
      Harold Wilson thought him a lefty loon..

      Like

    • 110
      Huzzah says:

      He only had three things to say. And when you had heard them once, it was extremely tedious to hear it all again.

      Like

  8. 8
    Steve Miliband says:

    I said ‘an intern for the Queen’ not to bloody inter her

    Like

  9. 9
    Welshracer says:

    “Right we bury those Guido Fawkes boys next”

    Like

  10. 10
    Lord Mooncrater says:

    I think we can get Benn in OK but to get Crow in as well means digging down another ten meters.

    Like

  11. 11
    Disco Biscuit says:

    “No, it’s the Peoples’ Flower Bed”

    Like

  12. 12
    The electorate says:

    Right Dave, you can put the shovel down and get in. There’s a good chap…

    Like

  13. 13
    Garfield says:

    Tell me Prince Philip just why did you want me to dig this grave? and what is the Royal prerogative

    Like

  14. 14
    Steve Miliband says:

    So first we kick it into the long grass and then we bury it.

    Like

  15. 16
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This is where I buried Conservatism.

    Like

  16. 17
    geordieboy says:

    That’s my bad news buried, what about yours Phil.

    Like

  17. 18
    Steve Miliband says:

    ”Act natural. They won’t suspect a thing”

    Like

  18. 19
    flowers coop says:

    Oh so you think 2015 you’ll be buried at GE Dave.

    Like

  19. 20
    Cast Iron says:

    But I thought Kate had been behaving herself…

    Like

  20. 21
    Lizard Man says:

    Cameron: “Come on Phil I’ve dug your grave so be a good sport and die. I need something to distract the plebs and another state funeral would be just the ticket.”

    Like

  21. 22
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Is that Tony Benn’s raincoat?

    Like

  22. 23
    Joe Pesci says:

    I’ll sort Clegg out, you guys just dig the friggin hole.

    Like

  23. 24
    M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

    “Cameron, you young fool, could you not find a spade to dig that hole?”

    Like

  24. 25
    Gray V'digger says:

    I’m not wearing a hard hat just to watch some oik with a spade. Damnable cheek!

    Like

  25. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Which Ed is this for?

    Like

  26. 29
    Bloke in a bowler hat says:

    Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

    Don’t dig there, dig it elsewhere
    Your digging it round and it ought to be square
    The shape of it’s wrong, it’s much much too long
    And you can’t put hole where a hole don’t belong

    Like

  27. 30
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’m not one to mince my words.

    I call a spade a tool with a sharp-edged, typically rectangular, metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth.

    Like

  28. 31
    Flowery power says:

    Truth and honesty was buried here Phil, we don’t need it as we are just like you ,hangers on, taking public money for sitting on our behinds.

    Like

  29. 31
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    Rebekah tips Phil and Dave off as to where the bodies are buried.

    Like

  30. 33
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Another day, another sod.

    Like

  31. 34
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Don’t tell Liz. Just whack Charles with the sharp end and push him in.
    Better for everyone that way!

    Like

  32. 35
    Cast Iron Dave - Labour Stooge says:

    I’m down with the homos, innit.

    I really dig it man.

    Like

  33. 36
    lickyalips says:

    Now we both know where the bodies are buried.

    Like

  34. 37
    Garfield says:

    “Britain is ready for a gay Prime Minister, Clegg and Milliband claim as same-sex marriage becomes law”

    As each day goes by it is increasingly obvious that Clegg and Milliband are slowly but surely losing the plot.

    Like

    • 104
      TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

      “Britain is ready for a gay Prime Minister”

      We already have one

      Like

  35. 38
    aurora borealis says:

    So you think this is where tonyblair buried his records before he left office?

    Like

  36. 39
    Anonymous says:

    Are they burying Tony Benn? If so, lemme grab a couple of bottles and head over to pay my respects.

    Like

  37. 40
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Parasites, Criminals, Peedos, Green Nazis & other Wasters says:

    This one is for France and the next one is for the UK when Labour get in.

    Like

  38. 41
    Cast Iron Davė says:

    I’m sure we put James Hewitt somewhere round here.

    Like

  39. 42
    Phil the G'reek says:

    Like

  40. 43
    Bill Shakespeare says:

    Alas poor Boris – I knew him. Johnson: a fellow
    of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

    Like

  41. 44
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This is the actual hole that Ed Balls left in the finances.

    Like

  42. 46
    Prince Philip says:

    When I said bring me that spade, I didn’t mean that you blithering imbecile.

    Get me Chukka.

    Like

  43. 47
    Afghanistan Banana Stand says:

    I have to dig another one? Who’s gone and died today?

    Like

  44. 48
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Dave … Your wife sir…yes ahem … I am sure she was around her somewhere…err ehm

    Like

  45. 49
    Tony Blair is a war criminal says:

    So this is where the Fiat driver is buried then?

    Like

  46. 50
    Paniagua V5.1 says:

    How to confuse Cameron.

    Show him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

    Like

  47. 51
    Bill Quango MP says:

    PP – Spade eh?,,Cast iron?

    Dc – let’s not start all that again..

    Like

  48. 52
    Mr Rotivator says:

    You carry on with your pocket billiards, Philip, I will stand here and pretend to not notice”

    Like

  49. 53
    I've got a dark brown overcoat says:

    This is definitely where Gordon’s rainbow coalition ended –

    but where did he hide all the gold ?

    Like

  50. 54
    Cast Iron Dave - Labour Stooge says:

    That’s enough money trees planted for now.

    Like

  51. 55
    jgm2 says:

    This is what we use to teach the Ir*i*sh to stand on their hind legs.

    Like

  52. 57
    Rastus Q. McHunter says:

    “You ask for one good day to bury bad news and you get two.”

    Like

  53. 58
    phil and his 4 nazi party sisters says:

    it’s a good job you’re not black.

    Like

  54. 60
    Fuck yEU! says:

    All you Benn haters, are you saying you didn’t even agree with him on the EU?

    Like

  55. 61
    Davíd Cameron circa 2015 says:

    Labour promise of a guaranteed job turned out to be true after all.

    Like

  56. 62
    WB says:

    didn’t need to dig it that big to bury the Lib Dems

    Like

  57. 63
    Twampersand mk III says:

    Cameron caught red-faced with a dirty old man in a mac on Clapham Common.
    Claims he was just ‘digging for badgers’.

    Like

  58. 64
    Anonymous says:

    Well you put the pile of shit there, in the first place, pleb!

    Like

  59. 65
    Cameron is a piece of shit says:

    Now kneel while I shoot you in the face.

    Like

  60. 66
    Bill Quango MP says:

    We are gathered here today to remember the fourth anniversary of the passing of “The Big Society”.

    Like

  61. 67
    Belasarius T says:

    I always say you should call a spade a spade, but Liz tells me to shut up.

    Like

  62. 69
    dioclese says:

    “There! That’s that bastard Benn dealt with…”

    Like

    • 181
      Phil says:

      “Are you sure you want McCluskey next? I’d prefer that little c*nt Jones myself. Thinking long term d’you see.”

      Like

  63. 70
    Blair is Evil says:

    He was right about Blair.

    Like

  64. 71
    Frankie Boyle says:

    “And this is where Lord McAlpine buried the boy.”

    Like

  65. 72
    Hugh Grant says:

    Freedom of the Press, RIP

    Like

  66. 73
    S. Beckett says:

    Auditions for ‘Waiting for Scargill-Oh’

    Like

  67. 74
    jgm2 says:

    Look, look, here comes Brown. Let’s tell him it’s the controls for an invisible Segway.

    Like

  68. 75
    Steve Miliband says:

    It’s a grave situation

    Like

  69. 76
    Fillip says:

    I need a spade as well. Get me that Chucker chappie.

    Like

  70. 77
    Ah! ha says:

    Yes Your Highness, I’ve dug my own grave. It’s called a selfie, I think.

    Like

  71. 78
    Prince Philip says:

    Very good, now go get your shine box.

    Like

    • 100
      David Scameron, Prime Sinister, says:

      “You’re funny, Your Highness…”
      “Funny? Funny how? Like a clown? I’m here to amuse you?”
      “Sure, go ahead, joke– but just remember how Joe Pesci ends up in Casino, sir…all I’m gonna say about it…”

      Like

  72. 79
    Joe Moore says:

    Shit they have found it

    Like

  73. 80
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    “You better give me that shovel you spoon faced twat , the word around Westminster is one is not fit to shovel shit”

    Like

  74. 81
    Phil says:

    And you say that these cast iron guarantees can’t be found – not even with a metal detector?

    Like

  75. 82
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    Err no sir you must be mistaken , i haven’t seen Rebekah Brooks for weeks

    Like

  76. 83
    Bill Quango MP says:

    “I must have misread the text. I thought you asked if I wanted to go up to the common for a spot of digging.”

    Like

  77. 84
    Elegant lady says:

    Baaaaah!

    Like

  78. 85
    nay geedo says:

    Did your fag have such a stiff shaft?

    Like

  79. 86
    UKIP or bust says:

    “And I don’t think digging HER up is going to help either”

    Like

  80. 88
    Prince Philip says:

    Are you Corgi registered?

    Like

  81. 89
    Captain Obvious says:

    Dave: “Is that my arse, Your Highness?”
    HRH: “A question which just goes to prove what many have said about you, lad…”

    Like

  82. 90
    Conservative in 2010 says:

    Prince Philip: “I’m glad you’ve got a second career to fall back on after 2015, Cameron.”

    Like

  83. 91
    was it something I said? says:

    McAlpine’s Fusiliers, Surrey Regiment.

    Like

  84. 92
    Bob says:

    ooh! suit you sir!

    Like

  85. 94
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    “I say young Cameron , Has one had any luck locating Tony Blairs expenses claim form yet” ?

    Like

  86. 95
    HRH says:

    I see you lean on your own sholvel. We used to have a chap who leant on my shovel for me, but had to let him go. The cuts, you know. One has to do what one can.

    Like

  87. 96
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    CCTV captures the moment that the PM fell victim to the Hyde park flasher

    Like

  88. 97
    The cooler king says:

    They’ll never find Harry

    Like

  89. 99
    Sudetenland says:

    “Well, that’s got rid of Putin’s presents to her Maj.”

    Like

  90. 102
    verticalwater says:

    I told you she wouldn’t have the phone book with her!

    Like

  91. 103
    Táxpáyér says:

    Well I am heir to Blair.

    Like

  92. 107
    Dave PM says:

    Patrick told me to bury the dead kid from his pictures…

    Like

  93. 109
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    The final moment before Phillip entered Daves hole

    Like

  94. 111
    coffindodga says:

    Well those GMO crops were a failure,but at least it killed all the f***ing badgers.

    Like

  95. 112
    Pete says:

    DIY Fracking

    Like

  96. 114
    TIME FOR YOUR TABLETS DAVE says:

    “I say what , a beautifully crafted piece of quality British engineering , now how does one tiurn it on What” ?

    Like

  97. 115
    Poet's day says:

    “that’s that then – Wills next in line…”

    Like

  98. 116
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    David Cameron turns sod.

    Like

  99. 117
    Pete says:

    Cameron: “A good day to bury bad news, sir.”

    Like

  100. 119
    Jim says:

    Cameron: “Well… that’s Operation Fernbridge sorted, sir.”

    Like

  101. 121
    (Optional) says:

    “Good day to bury bad news”

    “Yup, that what I called Camilla as well.”

    Like

  102. 122
    BLAZINOAH says:

    Phillip: It’s what Diana would have wanted David – a gangbang outdoors with Crow and Wedgewood!

    Like

  103. 125
    Anonymous says:

    Philip: yar Umm, Ed will fit
    David: Whh Thoo Whooo

    Like

  104. 130

    you can’t keep burying your mistakes on my land sod off out of it

    Like

  105. 131
    Every penny co(u)nts says:

    Sorry Duke, you’ll have to put up with potholes on your shooting range. It’s the cuts you know…

    Like

  106. 132

    I’m in management that’s why my hands are in my pockets, you are trade that’s why yours are wrapped round a spade

    Like

  107. 133

    I ask you to bury the cat not dig out the drains!

    Like

  108. 135
    Pooor taste wins cap comps says:

    Duke: WTF you doing here?

    Just looking for a missing 777 Duke.

    Like

  109. 136

    Spanish treasure, let me have a look at that bloody map

    Like

  110. 137
    Maimed Codger says:

    This is too good for the slitty eyed commy who killed Caroline…

    Like

  111. 138

    are you workfare or is this a second job?

    Like

  112. 139

    Let’s knock off and let the council take care of it, I need a pint

    Like

  113. 140

    I fought in the war and I can tell you that trench provides no cover at all, if you lie down you would get your arse shot off

    Like

  114. 141

    do you have planning permission or a permit for this work?

    Like

  115. 142
    Maimed Codger says:

    So you have got Moles as well then David…..

    Like

  116. 143

    My wife send me down here to ask if you want a cup of tea, you have done a good ten minutes she said

    Like

  117. 144

    you do realise the ground isn’t level?

    Like

  118. 145
    Strongholdbarricades says:

    I’m sure I left my “Leadershiop for Dummies” around here somewhere

    Like

  119. 146
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Well that’s Bob and Tony done. Just need Ken for the hat trick.

    Like

  120. 147
    will of stratford says:

    And make poor England weep in streams of blood!
    Let them not live to taste this land’s increase
    That would with treason wound this fair land’s peace!
    Now civil wounds are stopp’d, peace lives again:
    That she may long live here, God say amen!

    Like

  121. 148
    gimp says:

    “i asked for a grave digger, not a gay dogger”

    Like

  122. 149

    One man can make a difference but I would like this finished by the end of the week so dig and be happy in your work

    Like

  123. 150

    Can I borrow your mechanical digger, I will wash it and put it back in the shed afterwards….. promise!

    Like

  124. 151

    Third runway for London here, piss off

    Like

  125. 152

    No, you can’t bury Boris here, just throw him in the Thames

    Like

  126. 153
    paul collings says:

    Ok that’s the hole dug. Just wait for the rain and see if its big enough.

    Like

  127. 154

    Let me get this right, you work on the tools and you don’t know any hetro sex stories!!!!!!

    Like

  128. 155

    DC; is that horseshit?

    Phillip; no it is earth, the big bits are called clumps, education dumbed down again

    Like

  129. 156

    I have a box set of the Loveboat have you watched the series?

    Like

  130. 157
    BLAZINOAH says:

    That hole should be big enough to bury Diane when she gets back.

    Like

  131. 158
    ex Tory Voter says:

    Phil: You’re going to have to work faster than that if you’re going to build another 100,000 houses in Hampshire. Idle sod.

    Like

  132. 159
    The General says:

    ” Charles ? , No no haven’t seen him!”

    Like

  133. 160
    David says:

    That’s the EU Referendum dealt with, now, we just need to bury free speech.

    Like

  134. 161
    betterlatethannever says:

    When I took the job I didn’t realise the PM was so personally involved in all the arrangements for the monarch’s funeral

    Like

  135. 162
    Poet's day says:

    Man in dirty mac playing pocket billiards “Sorry, I thought it was an invitation to go dogging…”

    Like

  136. 163
    BC says:

    Why do you think the bastards are making us dig a hole ?

    Like

  137. 164
    Wilthsire Boy says:

    You’ll need a much deeper hole than that to bury traditional Tory values.

    Like

  138. 166
    Jack the Ripper says:

    CAMERON : I’m not sure about this, Phil. Can we really put Richard III in your back garden?

    Like

  139. 167

    Right. Now get out there and pick up all the bird kill from my wind farm.

    Like

  140. 168
    EyeSee says:

    ‘It’s time to go’.

    Like

  141. 171

    Dook ‘I’m a shit shoveller myself. But I like to see a professional at it, so carry on!’

    Like

  142. 173

    Poor reviews for Ralph and Ted remake.

    Like

  143. 174
    HateLieBore says:

    Well, that’s the end of that leftie bastard.

    Dead and buried at long last.

    Like

  144. 175
    Jimmy says:

    She was truly the NOW’s princess

    Like

  145. 177
    Ambrose Pilchard Evans says:

    Mine your way out of this Owen!

    Like

  146. 178
    Harry Krishna says:

    I tell you this was the place where I dropped one of my medals!!

    Like

  147. 179
    Up the workers !! says:

    P.Philip –
    -” Nerrrrr..eth ….we have dug the hole now all one needs is that anti royalist scoundrel Tony Benn”

    ,

    Like

  148. 180
    Rightallalong says:

    Phillip : So what exactly have you buried there ?
    DC : The Diana-Dodi files, the Dr Kelly files and my speeches pre 2010.

    Like

  149. 182
    Anonymous says:

    But won’t it be obvious the mayor’s gone missing?

    Like

  150. 183
    Robbie says:

    Both : “Guess where I dug up this old fossil?”

    Like

  151. 184
    Savile Row says:

    Nice suit

    Like

  152. 185
    Cynic says:

    Now who will check that she’s still; in there?

    Like

  153. 186
    Cynic says:

    “I am looking for a policy. You?”

    Like

  154. 187
    Cynic says:

    British spades for British workers

    Like

  155. 188
    Cynic says:

    Phil “Why are yoiu fracking in my fecking garden”

    Dave {WHISTLES SOFTLY}

    Like

  156. 189
    Cynic says:

    twO IN A WEEK!! iTS A START

    Like

  157. 190
    thostids says:

    What d’yer mean, “she wanted burying at sea”?

    Like

  158. 191
    Andrew Neil Fan Club says:

    HRH: “Something’s bloody missing.
    I’m sure it was hands in pockets then
    ‘I’m Jake the Peg…’”

    PM: “Can you tell what it is yet?”

    Like

  159. 192
    Petermac says:

    And here, Your Royal Highness, is where I have buried the soul of the Conservative Party…

    Like

  160. 193
    Sir Mary Flappes says:

    “… and what do you do Sexton?”

    Like

  161. 194
    Clootie says:

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
    The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

    Like

  162. 198
    Cynic says:

    DUKE “So where did that Boris chap go? He was here a moment ago”

    Like

  163. 199
    Anonymous says:

    Duke: You can’t put that Miliband in with Diana

    Like

  164. 200
    George Garside says:

    Phil, ” I rather liked that Farrage chap” Dave, So did half my backbenchers, don’t tell Liz, nobody will look for him in your backyard”.

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

What We Learned From the Referendum | FT
Scottish Crisis Moves South | Nick Wood
English Democrats Accidentally Celebrate Yes Victory | Pink News
Union In Its Current Form is Dead | Janan Ganesh
Labour Could Be Split in Two | Sun
Ashcroft Poll: Why Scotland Voted No | Buzzfeed
Boris: Change Barnett Formula | Sun
Cameron is Back | Dan Hodges
What Happens Now | James Kirkup
Cairo of the North | Quentin Letts
Labour are the Biggest Losers | Phil Collins


VOTER-RECALL
Find out more about PLMR


Diane Abbott on the Daily Politics:

“Labour MPs will unite behind Ed Miliband, once we find out what our policies are.”



It was only a tiny tiny collision.


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