February 25th, 2014

Secret GCHQ Plan to Annoy Guido

Guido has often wondered who the window lickers in the comments on this site are, and now he knows. GCHQ have put together plan to infiltrate social media and blogs. As the slideshow below shows, sophisticated plans have been drawn up for online disruption. Tactics include online honey-trapping, leaking, impersonation  and manipulation.

Presumably this is targeted at fomenting revolution overseas rather than at home. Or possibly it is disinformation. Let the witch-hunt begin…


  1. 1
    P l e b says:

    Not first


  2. 2
    Liar.Politicians says:

    Nothing surprises me about those crooks.


    • 21
      walking into darkness says:

      says a lot about GCHQ if this is the level of tactic they apply. I thought the art of intelligence gathering was supposed to be subtle and understated, perhaps I’ve misunderstood.


      • 44
        Col. Stock says:

        They are just Uncle Sam’s bag carriers and have been for years. Apart from UK anti-terrorist work their main function is to keep the ‘special relationship’ going by being able to do stuff that would be difficult in the US on legal grounds. We even used to pay for a NSA spy sat to keep on their good side once every few years.

        I’m sure they’ll piss more cash away on this shite.


      • 105
        Dougie says:

        Er, yes, you’ve misunderstood. This programme is about influence not intelligence gathering.


  3. 3
    Longtime Guido Fan says:

    Who are you calling a window licker? I’m a highly-trained specialised covert op…

    aah, hold on. Yeah, down with politicians, this is an outrage, where’s my V mask?


  4. 4
    GCHQ PsyOps Operations Commander says:

    At least give us some credit. No-one ever suspects it’s us. We always make sure we look like any normal dumb-ass thicko member of the public..


    • 28
      Col. Stock says:

      Yes very good having that dress collecting heel fetish pansy lock himself into a hold all in the bathroom that was then wiped clean of all dna was brilliant. Even knacker went along with it.


  5. 5
    FrankFisher says:

    I am more than open to being honey trapped.


  6. 6
    3-2-1 says:

    Can you guess who I am?

    My first is in Gay but not in Morden.

    My second is the colour of Mark Oaten’s favourite dish.

    And I totally fucked this country senseless.


  7. 7
    Mitch says:

    Who would pretend to be us nobheads?


  8. 8
    Duncan Bannatyne says:

    Window Licker !!!

    And for that reason, I am oot.


  9. 9
    Jack Dromey says:

    I like a slice of PIE with a side of spotted dick.


  10. 10
    • 47
      Hi Jimbo! says:

      Jimmy, where do you stand on Harman’s association with PIE? Do you think she was right to have ties with a group that wanted to legalise incest and reduce the age of consent to 4?


      • 58
        Labour Swift Rebuttal Unit says:

        The Daily Mail prints Child P’orn. So there.


      • 59
        JH945894343432945 says:

        …and as a thought experiment, let’s compare and contrast Jimmy’s answer to the above with what it would have been had this been a Tory deputy leader we were talking about here.

        You know, just for fun.


        • 202
          Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

          Quentin Letts did an article in the DM on the subject if it was about Tory MP’s and the title was “Will the Government survive the day?”. Very interesting.


      • 60
        Ed Miliband says:



      • 87
        cured lefty says:

        good lord i think jimmy.s been stopped in his tracks will he think of an reply that makes any sense ?????


        • 117
          Tim Yeo-yo says:

          Does fuktard Jimmy ever reply? It must be so depressing for him to be totally wrong about every single subject he posts on.


          • Mongo says:

            I rather think “Jimmy” is a persona — all right, sockpuppet — one of the blimps who write this blog. Just to stir things up a bit and put a fault-line in the groupthink.


  11. 11
  12. 12
    Simon (simple) says:

    Haven’t a clue what this is about. Can someone please explain?


  13. 13
    All the world says:

    We want to build cyber magicians – these people are bollockologists of the lowest order order.


  14. 14
    Man in Black says:

    I can explain everything. Just look at the end of my pen for a second.


    • 35
      Agent C.O.Jones says:

      I have one of those as well, and a gps thingie that tells me where I am.


    • 45
      Jack Dromey says:

      I like the sound of your moniker.


      • 150
        Mongo says:

        And “pen” was a typo. Get your coat, Jack, you’ve pulled!


        • 204
          Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

          Do Harman and Dromey realise how much of a laughing stock they are? or is it a bunker mentality? I wonder where they got that idea from???


          • thostids says:

            The Luger Pistol and packet of poison capsules. It may not be a wholly voluntary decision to wash up in a shell – hole in the ground, dead and doused in Petroleum. You’ll just have to put up with history being very unkind. Which is a lot less troublesome that being Adolf’s love interest and alive in the presence of a few hundred working members of the Russian Unknown Rapists’ Club looking for a few more notches on the old AK47 before the Chapter’s meeting on Thursday at 16.30 hours.


  15. 16
    I'm Spartacus says:

    I’m Spartacus!


    • 33
      Happy Gooner says:

      No I am Spartacus!


      • 46
        Sion Simon, former Labour MP, now serving fries at Maccy D's says:

        I’m a gerbil!


        • 93
          Harriet Harman says:

          I’m a national disgrace


          • Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

            I hate to agree with anything you say but on this occasion, I agree totally!


          • thostids says:

            Someone said that it wasn’t your fault because PIE used such big words that you didn’t really understand their drift. I think they meant that you were so fuckin thick that you would have signed up to take on The Imperial Japanese Army (comfort Girls – provision war theatre) Battalion freedom to abduct unaccompanied females on the London Underground Movement. Such a nice job for a girl – Secretary of Legal at NCCL. (secretary of legal “WHAT”? Legal camouflage, shenanigans, ballocks? Parking Tickets?
            You tell them Hattie…..it no fault you weren’t up to your job but who the hell was going to pay a blind bit of notice and just let you go on boring them all rigid. And they expected a slice of PIE for supper! Some surprise they were in for.


        • 194
          Europed.file says:

          What is French for Monsieur Mandleson’s Gerbil?

          HINT: French hospital records available on the Internet


    • 48
      H.P Sauce says:

      That tactic won’t work, we will just crucify the lot of you.


  16. 18
    Owen Jones says:

    Time already running out for Prime Minister David Cameron at 10 Downing Street.

    Read more: Order Order …. David Cameron is a dead man walking and a twerp.


    • 69
      Gooey Blob says:

      Given a straight choice for PM between Cameron and Miliband the overwhelming majority go for Cameron. You’ll find that out for yourself in 2015.


      • 211
        Anonymous says:

        But they are both pro EU…

        And the EU now set 70% of the UKs laws…as we were told last week.

        There are precious few areas of law left where Labour or Conservative can differentiate themselves.

        You either want out of the EU or you don’t.


  17. 20
    Mr Anonymous says:

    I wear a balaclava when I post on here!


  18. 22
    Plea from the heart says:


  19. 23
    Betchya didn't see that coming... says:

    We are the Mysterons. We know you can hear us Earthman…


  20. 25
    Spy in a bag says:

    This beats the crap out of me!


  21. 29
    Peter Bone says:

    I say,why don’t you all just fuck off and stop being beastly to me.


  22. 30
    JH945894343432945 says:

    It’s Schrodinger’s Cat. He’s the one.

    You must all turn on him. Now.


  23. 31
    Cazual Observer 7 says:

    Without sounding disrespectful, where does ‘Blowing Whistles’ fit into GCHQ’s plan of blog domination ? :-)


  24. 34
  25. 36
    orkers says:

    Tiinfoil just went mainstream!


  26. 39
    Persona non grata says:

    Before Emily went native.


    • 77
      whippet says:

      Hodge getting a prime time pasting over her awful record on protecting children. Yet more labour wierdness. Thanks for the vid!


  27. 41
    Mike Naylor says:

    I’m not normally a fan….etc


  28. 52
    Mark Oaten says:

    Harriet says she’s been smeared.

    What’s wrong with being smeared? I love it.


  29. 53
    EU Funded Pro-EU Troll says:

    Vote UKIP


  30. 56
    whippet says:

    Why would GCHQ be interested in this, are they Common Purpose too?

    If so all is lost, we may as well stop whinging and go and hang ourselves!


  31. 62
    Mitch says:

    If you come on here to find out what to do you’re gonna end up in prison.


  32. 64
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Our dear Cat is a honeytrap. Has to be. Who can resist such pussy…?


    • 88
    • 102
      Bill Quango MP {?} says:

      Vote Labour.
      Ed Miliband has a progressive, social conscience and Ed Balls is an economic titan.


      • 104

        Could not agree more, Bill. :neutral:


      • 215
        thostids says:

        You have a typo in the last line of your message….ie Ed ball’s is an economic tit an’….and what? He clearly undertands that life after Brown is not so much the chance to parade his intellect the size of a planet but a series of dismal collisions with reality. And a growing awareness that these Union Offices have lots of wasteland where a dead body could be secreted and never found. Never mind one body, make that two!. They could remake “The man who never was”. Balls could play the down and out suicide who is kitted up and given false papers suggesting the. Tories are going into coalition with The LibDems and UKIP. He could be left propped over a chair in the Strangers Bar utterly bluto’d and never come ’round.
        As a consequence Adolf’s Camoron shifts his resources to the wrong marginals. Disaster. To be fair, none of the bit about Balls is really necessary as Camoron will fail dismally, when left to his own devices with Osborne, Oliver left wing, Lytton, etc


    • 124
      Mornington Crescent says:

      If I am found tomorrow in the bathroom of my abode, curled up in a sports bag with my head up my arse, please do not believe the official explanation of an accident.

      Thank you.


  33. 66
    The Daffodils are blooming early this month says:

    It’s more sinister in telling us they are going to secretly spy on us, what are they hiding by telling us, if your going to spy on people you don’t tell them even if you don’t give a crap about any conventions stopping you, maybe their after a pay rise and this is a good way of pi55ing their immediate bosses off, hell I won’t sleep tonight, I will be wondering about all the angles, strange telling your targets your going to spy on them …..


  34. 67
    Alfred E Neumann says:

    What me a window licker ?


  35. 71
    OnBenefits says:

    I’d prefer to be a fanny licker…


  36. 76
    Cazual Observer 7 says:


    • 121
      Magic man above says:

      Oh look, Ukraine peasant woman. We don’t want any pegs dear.


    • 134
      Young is a pimp says:

      Toby Young is a pompous self-important hypocrite

      Taking the Big Murdoch Shilling

      How are all your convicted fellow employees doing you Hunt?

      PS Your selfie hides your deceit and conceit?…but not for everyone…


  37. 78
    UKIP UKIP UKIP says:

    The CCHQ bin diving smear merchants and their bought and paid for MSM stooges have been engaging bathing in the moral sewer for years. Dirty tricks from degenerates who should have no place in our political and national life because they so completely pollute and poison everything they touch.

    And thats what the liblabcon are, who they are to the core. They are degenerates who deal in betrayal and lies and dirty tricks, who view decency and humanity and morality as weakness and flaws.

    They are the children of Bliar, the final generation of an arrogant self obsessed incestuous ruling class elite chasing a dream so ugly and putrid normal is simply beyond the comprehension and grasp of normal decent human beings.


    • 140
      Jack says:

      + 1000 and destroying our freedom before the eyes of the window lickers here who call themselves libertarian..

      NSA should be kicked out of the UK for starters and all US forces

      The Cold War is over…


  38. 79
    Handycock says:

    GCHQ will never find me in here.I’m still tucked up in Hospital. Has Guido gone yet.? Please
    send magazines I could be in here for months unless Guido calls his spies off.


  39. 80
    Frank Carson says:

    Why is Harriet Harman trending? *innocent face*


  40. 81
    mraemiller says:

    “window lickers” the new politically correct term for retards?


  41. 83
    Persona non grata says:

    Harriet Harman under attack over bid to water down child pornography law (2009)



  42. 84
    Dave says:

    Surprising how amateurish and naff that slideshow looks. Thought it may have been slick and impressive like in the James Bond films.

    Love slide 49.


  43. 86

    Nothing much here to worry about. They will have been monitoring us all for years now. They will know every time you send a comment. They will know what method of communication you were using and exactly where you were when you keyed it in. It will all be automatically classified as to whether it suits the state’s purpose or not.

    They know where you live. Where you work and how you travel there. They know where you are going on your next holidays, even if you don’t.

    If you are rowing in the wrong direction, you may be expected to be taken into custody at some point and charged with whatever you have done as nothing is legal, if you get the right plod onto it. Custody will include subliminal correctional treatment and they will see how you progress when you get out.

    For the more difficult customers here, you may be well advised to test your water supplies daily, even if you are just showering in the stuff. Change your supermarket every visit. An air inspection kit is not a bad safeguard and you can see if any pollutants are being sent in your direction. Any sight of building works nearby must be regarded with the utmost suspicion. Look out of your window now, whilst it is still reasonably bright.

    With good judgement and some luck you should be able to reach your normal retirement date.

    Whatever you do, do not download that document above using Facebook. They may use you for the next weapons target.

    Hope to see most of you still here next week…


    • 91
      Gaye Mann says:

      What if you’re a man and you’re planning to marry another man?


      • 96
        Equal rights for food, especially Pizza says:

        Why can I still not marry a slice of Pizza ?

        This is a blatant infringement of my human rights to do whatever the fuck the Labour party can argue is acceptable.

        My Pizza slice is mature, consenting and wants the security of a marriage to complete our relationship and establish our legitimate status in society.


    • 120
      Blowing Windows says:

      Not me they don’t.
      I have a keystroke inhibitor attached to my laptop. Plus full x-mapping digital keyswaps.
      My router is of my own design with various secret components that randomly allocate IP adresses and I obviously have a scrambler attached.

      My computer room is fully sealed, shielded in lead with no windows as its 200ft underground in a converted nuclear missile silo from the 1960’s in a secret location.

      All my laptops are destroyed after 30 days use. The contents smashed and incinerated and buried in concrete. I manufacture a new one monthly from components bought from different countries with bitcoin and shipped to 3rd party addresses and rerouted to me via safe drop pickup points that I keep under remote CCTV surveillance for 48 hours before I collect and 48 hours after.

      THEY will not catch me!


      • 129
        Null hypothesis says:

        Your x-mapping digital keyswaps have deposited all your normal stuff down my chimney.
        Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I must be in the nuclear bunker one level down to you. I’ve swept them all up best I can and send them back for random distribution in the above post.



        • 137
          Blowing Windows says:

          “The Eagle is Blown! The Eagle is Blown!”
          Entering self destruct sequence.

          Making way to secret exit and activating Torpex detonators now..

          *WARNING _ WARNING * 60 seconds to termination…59 seconds…58 seconds..*WARNING _ WARNING * 56 seconds to termination…


          • Null hypothesis says:

            Typical fucking MOD. Nothing happened!

            Where the fuck do we go from here?

            Tell you what! I’ll go out of the room, come back in and we’ll start again…


      • 141
        Postman Pat says:

        Sending hand-written letters is the way forward. I assume GCHQ have pensioned off their letter-steamer operatives by now.


        • 171
          Top Tip says:

          I find that whatever the contents they always get delivered faster if you write ‘final demand from the BBC’ on the outside.


  44. 90
    Jack Shit says:

    So do we have to stop being rude about Cleggy now?


  45. 94
    Thaddeus Chucklebutty III says:

    I sincerely hope that Cameron gets his wish not to be in another coalition. He isn’t going to get anything like enough votes for a majority, so three cheers fro him signing up to not being in power after 2015 even before the election campaign has begun.

    Considering he couldn’t even manage a majority (and indeed got a piss-poor 36% of the vote) even when faced with the most unpopular Labour leader in history, the worst economic situation in 80 years, telling outright lies about how his gang were no longer the ‘Nasty Party’ and an almost entirely friendly press (to say nothing of a campaign fund three times the size of Labour’s), I don’t think the electorate are going to wake up and decide that somwhere right of Thatcher is where at least 40% of them suddenly want to be.

    Even if he did fancy a coalition again (and he probably would if he had to, I mean he put ‘no more top down reorganisation of the NHS’ in his manifesto and certainly delivered on that, didn’t he? Oh, my mistake – that was bullshit and a barefaced lie too?), there won’t be any LibDem quislings left for him to get into bed with.

    So Dave – be a good chap, and please stick to this line. I am very much looking forward to seeing you, Gidiot and the rest being kicked into the long grass for good on the morning of May 2nd next year


    • 149
      Jack says:

      The Tories’ vacuous rebranding this morning should help, too

      Not since Gordon Brown have we seen such crass stupidity and madness as their talk of the “Workers Party”and Ladders as the party logo…

      They deserve to be consigned to the dustbin of history like Brown


      • 186
        Vin says:

        You know a party is in trouble when they feel the need to re-brand.

        At least UKIP are UKIP and we all know what they stand for.


    • 218
      Linus says:

      ‘twould be nice to think that the people of Witney might come to their senses and rid us of this useless prick.


  46. 95
    altruism in industry says:

    I think they come on to remind themselves there are still some patriots


  47. 97
    Anonymous says:

    If I download the above document, will it infect my computer with internet Aids?


  48. 99
    Bill Quango MP {?} says:

    I think Ed Miliband is doing a good job and we should all vote for him.


  49. 100
    Sky news breaking says:

    Sky News Breaking

    High Court Judge rules Hyde Park bomber from 1982 cannot stand trial as he has immunity under the Good Friday Agreement signed by Blair. Now unlikely anyone will stand trial for the murder of 4 soldiers

    Present government says they do not hold any amnesty and believe people should face the law. So interesting situation where a previous government actually does bind one that follows.

    The report also makes the point that Bloody Sunday troops are still facing a potential trial?


    • 119
      Me says:

      Blair truly is a b’astard. I hope he rots in hell.


    • 197
      Jack Ketch says:

      Four members of the B&R plus seven bandsmen in Regent’s Park plus dozens injured—soldiers and civilians PLUS the horses! Blair, Mandelson, Hain and the other Labour criminals are as much to blame as Gerry and the Widowmakers.


  50. 101
    Anonymous says:

    How did a supposedly secret document find its way into the hands of Guido?


  51. 107
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    Jimmy isn’t so much a window licker as a Labour arse licker.


  52. 110
    no point trying to hide, we can see you... says:

    You know, even some of those ‘hide my IP’ proxy sites are likely to be set up and monitored by government agencies.


  53. 111
    Anonymous says:

    Makes me think back to Cat’s game of cat and mouse with his impersonators and the number sequence encryption thingy (prime numbers was it?). Though could be nothing to do with anything.


  54. 113
    Owen Jones (I'm no window licker) says:

    This rabbit hole goes very, very deep. David Cameron is merely a speck of the real corruption you will see unfold. Bring it on.


    • 130
      Rev Thaddeus Chucklebutty III says:

      David may have done many evil things, but he is still one of Gods children, the best thing will be to burn this evil house to the ground so that no more evil can harm the people of the land and all land should be returned to the people, for the end times are near and judgement will be passed by the son of God


      • 151
        hnuhnnijmoijuoyvtexcyhuyuoygouylblhyvyfckvgvkgkFUCKOFFGCHQjytytygbykihmpipihygytfcftrctfvtfvtvvvvvvv says:

        God works in ways we can not understand, but one thing is sure, good will always over come evil.

        David and his followers live amongst evil and have chosen the path of darkness, forgive them, for they know not what they do


        • 162
          All the fun of a lynching without the mess says:

          Can we hang them first and then, maybe, give them a posthumous pardon later?


  55. 115
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    Again. Hattie Harpic doesn’t need to say sorry to the Daily Mail, but she does for all those who were abused by PIE who used their links to NCCL to appear ‘legit’

    She’s changing the story and the BBC are happily peddling it for her. The BBC keep highlighting the “I’m not saying sorry to the Daily Mail” line.

    No one gives a shit about the Mail, what she should say sorry for was helping to offer cover to a group that were involved in the abuse of children for decades.

    For fucks sake Harpic, just do the decent thing.


  56. 122
    altruism in industry says:

    I had a mate, now deceased, who was a private eye, he had a visit from the spooks looking for spooky tips.


  57. 123
    Jess The Dog says:

    That worked well then! Either Snowden leaked it (no wonder they were smashing hard drives) or someone else did. Propagandists Nil, Free Expression One…


  58. 125
    Me says:

    Page 48 – I have a pre-existing cleavage.


  59. 126
    Magic man above says:

    Nan seems to have disappeared. Been taken away for subliminal correction training?


  60. 136
    I Think Therefore I Am says:

    I am still puzzled about Scrodinger Cat’s algorithm.

    If he signs with a number generated from his algorithm, how are we supposed to know the real number from a fake?

    Schrodinger will know, but he should know which are his own posts anyway.


    • 190
      Winny DeLyquer says:

      Anyone posting under that name is a twat, so it doesn’t make much difference which twat it is, really.


  61. 139
    jgm2 says:

    Any presentation with 50 slides would numb normal people’s minds to the point of atrophy.

    You can just see all these bored spooks and their spooky contractors on £500 a day (premium for highest level clearance) sitting in some room in Whitehall or up at the Cheltenham doughnut, their eyes beginning to close as some gimp drones through this presentation.

    So the spooks are agent provocateurs and the Labour Party redwashes social media.

    Who knew?


    • 157
      Hot and Cold Running Interns says:

      Hey, don’t knock it. Some people have to get mummy to pay their bus fares to work at Labour Party HQ


  62. 148
  63. 155
    Gary says:

    Will someone try honeytrapping me?? Tall brunette 30s female???? Any chance?


  64. 160
    Vince Cable says:

    ‘.. leaking, impersonation and manipulation”

    One out of three ain’t bad.


  65. 163
    Brown's Boggin Majick on Crap4 & needlessly repeated Bore4 says:

    Utterly Crap psychological techniques based on the discredited N.L.P.ish. May fool people in the short term but not the long term. Fools!


  66. 165
    Palmface says:

    I can’t but help imagine a David Brent type presenting that slideshow.


  67. 174
    My bedsit and tinfoil habit is just a ruse... says:

    The stupid thing about these fuckers is they have no way of knowing that I don’t work for some other agency their secutiry clearance isn’t yet high enough to find out about.


  68. 175
    Agent 321 & Miss Direction says:

    Can you smell the bull, Miss Direction?


  69. 176
  70. 178
    Dusty Bin says:

    Who dreams up this rubbish?


  71. 181
    Guido's Minder: Hairy arsed Dick says:

    Do not worry Guido! I will get them with one hand tied behind my back! You hunk! Grrr!


  72. 192
    Reey T'ard says:

    Surely everyone on here is doing all that stuff all the time, anyway?

    It will be like adding a drop of bullshit to an ocean of it.


  73. 196

    That is possibly the most retarded slide show I’ve ever seen, I can well believe it came from GCHQ.


  74. 199
    Ever get the feeling you've been cheated? says:

    They are fucking stupid, i’ve had them on the run for years guessing which terrorist or extremist organisation I was joining next.


  75. 222
    bolleaux says:

    if this undergraduate level bolleaux is being shown to senior espionage people, ‘intelligence’ ain’t all it’s cracked up to be


  76. 225
    Robin says:

    The UN, IPCC and complicit governments have been successfully implementing similar strategies for the last 20 years to brainwash schoolchildren and the gullible about CO2.


    • 231
      John Conner says:

      Agree. The propaganda machine has reduced our children’s ability to follow facts/logic and think for themselves.
      Movies like Terminator and The Matrix are not about Alien invasion/control they are simple metaphors for the extension of Political control/surveillance/punishment


  77. 226
    Anonymous says:

    “GCHQ have put together plan to infiltrate social media and blogs.”
    Not content with redefining ‘democracy’. Previously: Government by the will of the majority. Now: Government by the will of a minority. They now appear to doing the same thing with ‘intelligence’. Previously: The ability to cogently argue the merits of an ideology. Now: The ability to supress any debate relating to the ‘imposed’ ideology. What are they trying to do? Confirm non-survival of the false-ist a reality.


  78. 234
    Lord Flashman says:

    A Foreign National seeking to influence Britain’s domestic and foreign policy. Why would the spooks want to keep an eye on someone like that? Meanwhile Guido have you still got that contract with the Russian Embassy? Must be interesting at the moment.


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,646 other followers