February 14th, 2014

Sunday Express Hack Hired for Her Top Sauces

Among several changes in the lobby this month, the Sunday Express has hired regional reporter Caroline Wheeler to replace Kirsty Buchanan as political editor. Kirsty is off to spin at the Department for Communities and Local Government. By coincidence, a person going by the name of Caroline Wheeler yesterday submitted this FoI request to the House of Commons. Do we sense Ms Wheeler’s first Fleet Street splash, bound to rock the Palace of Westminster to its foundations, on the horizon?

Dear House of Commons,

I wold like to know the following information under the Freedom of Information Act:

1) How much has the House of Commons catering department spent on sauces and condiments in the past five years broken down by year?

2) What sauce sachets are available to consumers and have any sauces been withdrawn?

3) Has the provider of the sauce sachets changed at any point in the past five years?

4) Is HP sauce still available and if not who now provides the brown sauce and for what reason was this changed?

5) Has there been any policies introduced to save costs on complimentary sauce sachets for consumers in the past five years?

Please give details.

Yours faithfully,
Caroline Wheeler

 Sunday Express editor Martin Townsend must be on the edge of his seat.


  1. 1
    Me says:

    And it will cost about £10,000 to answer her.


  2. 3
    Harriet Harpic says:

    I’d like to thank those thousands of female soldiers who are bravely out there today fighting back all that water whilst all the men are hiding out of the way. Well done ‘wimmin’ of the military, showing the men how hard work is done.


  3. 4
    Nick Clog says:

    HP Sauce is now made in the Netherlands, you silly moo. Why should it be preferred?

    I suggest the simplest solution would be to move the “UK” Euro-region’s parliament to Holland too, and serve bread, hard boiled aggs and Guada cheese for breakfasts.


    • 7
      Nick Clog says:

      I aplogise for the above typo, which I didn’t know anything about when I typed it.

      For “aggs” please subsitute “Common Aggricultural Policy Handouts to the Live-Sheep-Burning Industries”


    • 13
      Banana Republic Britain says:

      They also changed the recipe, the cants.


    • 44
      Old Blue Eyes says:

      “HP Sauce is now made in the Netherlands,” In that case it’s been outsauced.


      • 54
        Rightwinggit says:

        stokes brown.


        Oh and try the stokes tomato sauce..your taste buds will love you.

        Fuck heinz.


    • 56
      Jack Ketch says:

      The name “HP” is derived from Houses of Parliament. It has been served there since 1895. However, as the current crop of MPs are more familiar with proscuttio than bacon butties, its decline is understandable.


  4. 5
    Colman says:

    Doesn’t really cut the mustard.


  5. 6

    Isn’t Mrs Stewart Jackson MP #mpsexpenses (Sarah O’Grady) smothered in HP Sauce?


  6. 8
    David Blunkett says:

    Phwoarrr! The saucy minx.


  7. 9
    Anonymous says:

    She must be Labour to waste money on this kind of thing.
    Send her the bill.


  8. 12
    Derron Brown The Bog Man says:

    I couldn’t give a fuck if she dies of cancer. Who is next to be promoted in the crappy world of journalism? All unreadable shite.


    • 25
      Gosplan says:

      All are contributing the fulfillment of the The Plan. Work like this is vital to ensure the state bureaucracy meets its targets in creating as much diversionary activity as possible. Ms Wheeler is setting an excellent example of secondary economic unit output consumption and should get an Order of the EUSSR or at least a Red Banner of Pointless Labour.
      Comrades we salute you, as you take the baton of socialism from us and rush to the winning line!


  9. 14
    Simon Crr says:

    Pay me my wages NOW, Fatty.


  10. 18
    Cymro oddi ar y llinell says:

    Her grammar’s not too hot, is it? Perhaps she can go on a course.


  11. 19
  12. 21
    Mindbleach says:

    Does Harriet Harmen use HP Sauce to get her hubby in the mood ?


  13. 22
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    Just ask to see the audited accounts.

    She would get an orgasm I am sure.


  14. 24
    Hoddy says:

    Really …………. any other job market and you would be punted FFS!!!!!!!!


  15. 26
    Anonymous says:

    There’s no HP sauce.


  16. 29
    Wounded Cadger says:

    That’s it then, hired because of Double Dutch Spin… HP is made in Holland, perhaps then, the interest in all things Dutch


  17. 30
    Kim Jong-un says:

    Is it still too soon to extend our sincere condolences to the Benn dynasty?


  18. 32
    Jimmy says:

    Does this mean Pickles will be reopening the Diana inquest?


  19. 33
    Toilets Maguire says:


    She must be an expert in porn coming from Dirty Desmondo’s stable


    • 37
      Jeremiah says:

      Geesdes used to work for Dirty Desmond, remember, I don’t think he was allowed to go on a photo shoot then he left for The Master


  20. 36
    Police warning says:

    Don’t go to a nightclub this evening

    Too many helicopters flying low taking pics


  21. 47
    Anonymous says:

    My parents used to buy the Express brand in the fifties and sixties in the days of John Junor,Chapman Pincher,Clive Graham and Peter O sullivan I wouldnt use it to wipe my arse now,this is the epitome of dumbing down.


  22. 57
    Penfold says:

    What a fucking useless waste of time, money and effort.
    She should be made to pay the costs, as this is so fucking pointless.


  23. 58
    Disco Biscuit says:

    They took away the HP Sauce a few years ago; the replacement brown sauce is fucking revolting.


  24. 59

    Keith expl@ined it @ll in his book The P@rty’s Over. Blueprint for @ Very English Revolution, which I @ctu@lly bought from him, @s he works for Imprint @c@demic.

    M@rg@ret Th@tcher s@id of the book, The R@pe of the Constitution?, which he edited, “I only wonder if you need th@t question m@rk in the title.”

    M@ybe the system should ch@nge every fifteen ye@rs of so to prevent @buse creeping in this w@y?


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