February 12th, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: Beast On a Leash, Parliament Behaves Itself

They could at least have brought in visual aids to express solidarity, to raise awareness, to promote resilience among the nation’s flood victims. Fabricant in flippers. Hancock in a wetsuit. Dromey with his big black periscope.

No, they played PMQs like it was Lent.

All the Tories wanted to do was express their joy at Miliband in wet weather gear – you can’t do that under Storm Force Eight.

The Leader from Primrose Hill pretending not to have wellington boots filled with black, freezing water – that could only be honoured with Tory thunder.

When Miliband stood, they started to crank it but some sense of propriety, or possibly a Whips’ choke chain silenced them.

It was like watching drunks nearly throwing up.

All MPs realized how their natural effusions would come across on TV. The storm-tossed public out there in the plashy fens – they didn’t want to see their representatives enjoying themselves.

And Miliband without the mockery doesn’t do as badly as Tories think. He asked about “money no object” – what did that actually mean?


Then, why was Cameron laying off 500 flood workers from the Environment Agency.

He knew Cameron couldn’t say, “Because they’re indolent box-tickers corrupted by left-wing, humanity-hating environmental ideology.” So he said they were spending £200 million more than Labour on the humanity-hating agency. Miliband asked the question again, planting it somewhere in the argument.

The session did produce one good laugh. Cameron said: “He seeks to divide the House when we should be coming together for the nation.”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t perfectly clear whom we were laughing at.

Several MPs from the submarine regions said they wanted money not just for flood relief but for marketing the south west as “open for business”.

Come to Devon and Cornwall to buy mud. Faecalised run-off on special. Buy two drowned voles get third free.

Good luck with that: we flood tourists are off to the Okavango Delta for half term.


  1. 1

    Reblogged this on wheelsofpoliticalsteel and commented:
    The silence from the chair of “Big John” was deafening, when one member was shouted over time and again (Very rude behaviour in any setting) yet where were the shouts of “Order, Order” from Big John?


    • 8
      The Worst thing that can Happen to YOU says:

      Is Kay Burley to walk down your street.

      The Harbinger of DOOM. The New Typhoid Mary


      • 20
        Flooding the media with illusions of Prime Ministerial Action says:

        So….Dave mispoke ?? …there is NO new money to deal with floods..just whatever funds departments haven’t spent which the Treasury have allowed them to keep ??? Cameron’s refusal to raid that sacrosanct Overseas Aid Budget looking lamer by the minute as Daily Mail continues to bite him on the arse with their petition and coruscating(even for them)editorials


      • 98
        Anonymous says:

        There is NO NEW MONEY for the floods and there will be no referendm if the Tories win in 2015. Want to see the truth well watch this


      • 118
        the shoveler says:

        Kay Burley: “We have moved away from the water to a metal platform because of the danger of lighting.”

        Fingers crossed anyone? I hope someone recorded that pearl of wisdom!


      • 129
        A Nose for death and destruction says:

        If Kay Burley knocks on your door it’s because you are either six foot underground or water.


    • 16
      It's the Truth says:

      Why couldn’t Dave say: “Because they’re indolent box-tickers corrupted by left-wing, humanity-hating environmental ideology.” ?


    • 114
      Bonneville Secularism says:


  2. 2
    Privatise the BBC says:

    He knew Cameron couldn’t say, “Because they’re indolent box-tickers corrupted by left-wing, humanity-hating environmental ideology.”

    Accurate as ever, these sketches are superb.


    • 18
      A Right Fucking Bastard says:

      Facebook is full of Lefty arsewipes crowing about how Tory and UKIP MEPs voted against “flood defences” (the measure which became EA policy and culminated in the flooding of the Levels). In other words, they saw it for the ecotard bollocks that it was and refused to be held captive to political fortune.

      Lefties really are a bunch of fucking cocktrumpets.


    • 72
      Hugh Janus says:

      “Accurate as ever, these sketches are superb.”

      Couldn’t agree more!


  3. 3
    Anonymous says:


  4. 4
    Jimmy says:

    Was it Bring Your Women To Work Day?


  5. 6
    News Flash says:

    Freddie Starr has just been arrested in connection with Operation Y’ew Tree.


  6. 11
    The BBC speaks to the nation says:

    Unconfirmed reports that inhabitants at Wraysbury have stopped EA staff entering village and EA are withdrawing meanwhile In Criccieth Wales BBC is reporting Red Warning from Met Office of 120mph(immediate danger to life and advising all people to stay indoors although they managed to find a family of four on holiday to interview!!!)whilst standing on a cliff .Meanwhile Ben Bradley is soaked to the skin standing in flood waters in Staines and Darren Betts from Met Office joins him in puddle to give weather report…..only on the BBC


    • 94
      Gold Top Command says:

      There is a load of piffle being put out by the GMB that their incompetent members have been ‘withdrawn’ after working very hard for several weeks.


    • 105
      Not the BBC says:

      We have inserted literally hundreds of staff around the country by 4×4 giving the same pictures of wet things owing to man made climate change caused by the Tories.
      If you don’t pay your television tax, we’ll take you to court – it’s only fair.


  7. 14
    Andrew Sparrow says:

    When pressed about the 550 Environment Agency staff facing redundancy, David Cameron could have got away with it if he had just said that he was not fully briefed but that he would look into it. Instead he sidestepped the question, re-announced all the measures he announced as his press conference yesterday (implying that they were new) and, then when pressed for a second time, took a fairly gratuitous swipe at Labour. It was not a particularly memorable exchange, but Miliband emerged with more credit


    • 17
      Co-Op Bank says:

      ‘Miliband emerged with more credit’

      He better not, he still owes us £5m


      • 24
        Flooding the media with illusions of Prime Ministerial Action says:

        When Miliband out does him on the leadership stakes then it really is serious for Cameron as hundreds of Tory Voters sink beneath the floods…they all have long memories and what is worse….they all vote


      • 61
        UK Taxpayers says:

        And him and his party still owe us the national debt:
        for totally ballsing up the economy and their ‘no more boom and bust’ bollox.


  8. 15
    Faecus spotting quango says:

    Faecalised run-off passing through London SW1 at about 8.00 tonite

    Public health warning 2


  9. 22
    The funky gibbon says:

    Diddy David Cameron makes shock announcement that “money is no object” to help poor and disabled people cope with the bedroom tax changes.
    No?, Oh I must have got mixed up with solid Tory voting households under water.


  10. 23
    We are skint so can we have some of your bennies? says:


    • 31
      A Mere but vital detail says:

      That’s a wasted vote then as there is no bedroom tax to scrap.


      • 58
        RomaBob.... Beeeeg Issue! says:

        Should read, donate to the party that will put you on benefits.


      • 108
        Jack Ketch says:

        Can someone explain this to me. The “Bedroom Tax” is actually a reduction in housing benefit paid to people who live in “social housing” i.e. council houses. Pensioners are exempt as are those with special needs such as occasional stay carers.
        Channel 4 says 660,000 people are affected. The National Housing Federation says 550,000. There are though over 5 million people receiving housing benefit in the UK and 2.3 million unemployed (of whom some must live in a single residence), so it does not seem such a big deal as it affects just 10% of benefit claimers and less than 1% of the population.
        Why is it a big deal?


        • 164
          Conmerchants says:

          …well, in NI, it’s part of the wage that thieving bastid Sinn Fein voters leech from the country they hate


        • 173
          Lord Duckhouse of Pondlife says:

          Yes, and if it is a “bedroom tax”, the frigging Labour party invented it – but only applied it to private tenants.


    • 43
      Liam Byrne says:

      We just spent the last of the money on some facebook video for some opposition gurner.

      There is no money Left


    • 53
      Jimmy says:

      Apparently the Lemon Party also opposes the bedroom tax. Who knew?


    • 106
      Neil Kinnock says:

      Why would anyone pay money to a party of millionaires?


  11. 26
    Cinnick says:

    We’ll soon have this Bedroom Tax problem sorted out. I mean, we’re a wealthy country (thanks Ed Balls!) and money is no object. It must be true, because David Cameron said so.

    And I’m sure, given how wealthy we are, we wouldn’t just choose to put people on the street for no reason and then choose to lie about how we couldn’t afford not to, would we? I mean, that would be barbaric if it happened to homeowners in Surrey


  12. 28
    Thames Valley resident says:

    This flooding is so bad even the turds wear welly boots.


  13. 29
    How is not paying for a spare bedroom Cruel? says:


    • 32
      A sensible person says:

      The thing that I don’t get about the bedroom tax is that most people who live in council accomodation didn’t get much choice about the place they were moved into in the first place.

      I mean, the council just says, here you are, take it or leave it basically. There isn’t much choice is there? You can’t like, say “Oh I don’t like the area” or “oh its a bit far from the local park” or “oh I don’t like the view from the windows” etc. You just apply to the council and wait for ages and then, they just give you one right?

      So they give a family a place and it has one too many bedrooms. Not the fault of the family who were given the place is it? Because they don’t get much choice in the matter.

      Or maybe they get given one and they make it their home, live their for years etc and maybe jnr grows up and goes to uni or he grows up and leaves home or maybe someone dies or whatever.

      So then the council, the same council that gave them the place in the first place, now comes to them and says “sorry, you have too many bedrooms now in the house that we gave you in the first place without giving you a choice in the matter, and now, because we have decided you don’t use that spare room, you have to pay a tax on it or you have to move.

      So, you reluctantly say “oh ok I will move,” and you prepare to leave your home of years, leave your friends and neighbours that you made, uproot your kid from school etc.

      Then the council say. “Oh sorry, you can’t move., We don’t have anywhere smaller for you to move to”.

      So you say, oh great. I didn’t want to move anyway.

      and the council THEN says. “Yeah but you still have to pay the tax anyway!!!

      That is taking the piss


    • 62
      RomaBob.... Beeeeg Issue! says:

      Ian Lavery, the north east intellectual?


    • 102
      Bob says:

      All references to Chuka should be suppressed and ignored

      He is a vacuius imposter and con man

      Former wannabe City solicitor and serial tax dodger

      Enough said


    • 139
      i don't need no doctor says:

      Amount of bedroom tax collected so far by HMRC = 0
      Amount of bedroom tax that will be collected by HMRC = 0
      Total bedroom tax that will ever be collected by HMRC = 0

      So Ummuna and labour are lying.


  14. 30
    tachybaptus says:

    Councils in some areas reported to be running out of sandbags and residents complaining they are having to buy their own.

    If they voted Tory they shouldn’t be complaining, why do they expect what they’d call ‘the nanny state’ to be sorting things out for them ?


  15. 34
    cheche says:

    Some people have told the EC workers what they think of them and the GNB union has taken its bat home


  16. 36
    A question for the planning inspectorate says:

    Where the fuck do you suggest we build these hundreds of thousands of new homes now?


  17. 37
    Just sayin' says:

    Isn’t it interesting that this government springs into action when Tory Berkshire gets flooded.


    • 77
      Just goes to show says:

      Camorons Conservatives just looking after their own, Liebour did it, if the Libcrap ever got control of the nation god help us, they would do it, must keep the taxpayers happy after all they will be needed when the real Liebour ar5eholes ever get back in.


  18. 40
    Polish Pete says:

    I am looking forward to Pickles’ reaction to Northamptonshire CC’s announcement that it will be increasing Council Tax by 1.99% avoiding having to invoke a referendum.

    The County Council is Tory. Of the seven Borough Councils in the county, six are Tory. Of the seven MPs in the county, six are Tory and include such luminaries as expenses claimant extraordinaire Peter Bone and his wife, and far-right Ban-the-Burka campaigner Phillip Hollobone, who also sits as a Borough Councillor and even finds time to pound the streets as a Special Constable..

    I look forward to Pickles, the defender of the Public Purse, taking on these “Democracy Dodgers” with his usual vim and vigour now that he has been relieved of Floodwatch duties


    • 57
      Markwouters says:

      Sovietsalami63 Here,
      Wheres all the council tax gone ??? ,whos been stealing it ???and wheres the Tory Plan for flood defences ???why is there no object to money for the Tory heartlands and there is for unemployed – homeless -foodless these ???are Floody idiots ,theyre always stealing from the poor to feed the Rich,whats going to happen when all the Tory heartlands want all the exchequers money ie for house flood damage ,same old tory same old mess !!!


  19. 65
    Ian 'Dickhead' Smith says:

    Figures so far show the bedroom tax has cost more than it has saved. 3 bed properties are now standing empty and boarded up in some council areas as no one wants to take them on and risk being hit by the tax


  20. 67
    Mark Wouters says:

    Sovietsalami63 Here ,
    FloodyHell,wheres the Royal Navy??? “”” are they going to breakout the boats!!! ,how about the RNLI lifeboats where are they ???PERHAPS THE TORIES HAVE PRIVATISED THEM ALL £££.!!!Perhaps the tories really do have a plan ,a non-existent one $$$. “Privatise this privatise that everyone on land is a dry Pratt”


    • 73
      Paniagua V5.1 says:

      From your ramblings I imagine you can still afford your hallucinogenics.


    • 93
      It's bloody windy, parliament can go on holiday says:

      The RNLI are a charity and will be used whenever they are called on, good job Liebour was thrown out of power in 2010 as they wanted £60,000 for radio licences off the RNLI charity, Liebour privatised the NHS home care, did you complain, Liebour also sold off the defence arm the did all the looking into the latest equipment to I believe ex uncivil servants who sold it off for a load of wanga to a foreign company, it seems 13 years hasn’t tempered you on voting Liebour so I presume you must be a Liebour activist, I presume waiting your turn to be a Liebour PPC, god help the area the chooses you.


      • 113
        The public says:

        Save your breath. There is no point arguing with Labour supporters. They are a cult, populated by liars, thieves and thugs.


  21. 76
    Questions to the prime minister says:

    When is a flooding problem a crisis, when it’s in Surrey & Berkshire..

    When does a Tory want bigger government, when its their constituents that are getting a bit damp..

    When is money no object, when it’s being spent in the home counties..


  22. 81
    Guido Fawkes says:

    Please be advised that due to the poor weather, Guy News Room will be closed until further notice.


  23. 83
    nellnewman says:

    This comment was removed by a moderator because it didn’t abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs


  24. 84
    Iain Duncan Smith says:

    Remember when Cameron said that money was no object for the £3.2bn floods affecting the north in 2007? Me neither.


  25. 85
    Brown Command To Danny Boy Via Broadsword says:

    “Faecalised run-off on special”

    A remarkable allusion to the inspiration for our command structure’s name!

    Brown command and the spitting COBRA we are invincible!


  26. 86
    Red Ruth says:

    What was the verdict on the BBC Daily Politics show to PMQs? The Sky political correspondent seemed to think like that Ed Miliband came out on top, which pretty much was my conclusion. Also felt EM came across as statesmanlike and intelligent. He had the better of Cameron last week but this week he really wiped the floor with him. The government’s bungling incompetence in handling this situation and the fact that they have made and are still making vicious cuts to flood defences will come back to haunt them


  27. 96

    The Okavango Delta is in Botswana, perhaps more the place for Chris Smith to hang out, especially as it lies in the Kalahari trough which is an endorheic basin, having no other outlet than evaporation or seepage.


    • 103
      altruism in industry says:

      if you went in this diluted sewage with a cut you might pick up a nasty bug


    • 121
      Beau Ned says:

      It also has hundreds of famished crocodiles. Let’s send the Liebore party on a free holiday trip to Africa. Take the fares out of the aid budget.


    • 133
      John Bellingham says:

      Phuck Orf! (Tswana).
      The Okavango is the only Bilharzia and AIDS free part of Africa, mainly because there is negligible human presence and those who are there are mainly Europeans, Bushmen and Yeyi who do not engage in promiscuous bumsex.
      The last thing one wants is a disease ridden umlungu bastard pissing in the pure waters of the Delta.


    • 154
      Mark Oaten says:

      Sounds like heaven.


  28. 100
    Winston says:

    The EU’s Natural Strategy 2000, includes a flood directive (2007). This specifically require certain floodplains to be allowed to flood.

    In 2008 when Baroness Young ran the EA areas were ranked from “Policy Option 1”, where flood defences where a priority to “Policy Option 6” where to increase biodiversity the strategy should be to increase flooding. The Somerset Levels are covered by Policy 6. Baroness Young is reported as saying that she would like to see “a limpet mine attached to every pumping station”.

    This is the real story that LibLabCon and their fellow conspirators in the media would prefer to hide.


  29. 104
    Mad Frankie Maude says:

    I’ve been fishing for nearly six hours now and I’ve caught fuck all.

    Time to shut my bedroom window and call it a day I think.


    • 157
      A Grateful Public says:

      We are so sad to have missed the visit by our Dear Leaders to congratulate us on the sales of wellington boots in these difficult times…


  30. 107
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Lynton Crosby needs to lock Dave and co. in a room until they can recite these facts in their sleep.

    1. Little furry animals don’t vote but angry farmers/residents do.

    2. Motorists vastly outnumber cyclists.

    3. Electricity & gas bill payers vastly outnumber eco-loons in Islington.

    4. Tony Abbott just won a landslide in the Aussie general election against the eco-loony Labour party.


  31. 116
    Ask Sue .... says:

    Has Gordon been seen at work recently? A pair of team GB wellies is on standby for the photo opportunity.


  32. 123
    Casual Observer 6 says:

    Jack Dromey’s ‘big black periscope’ ???


    Footage from next weeks PMQs:


  33. 124
    Side Show Bob says:

    The wellies clearly say ‘ED’ on the bottom.


  34. 127
    GlisteningLabia says:

    This had the potential to be Cameron’s Katrina/ Rita, but thankfully the idiots at the Environment Agency and the general uselessness of all the Labour twits involved in any aspect of this story, have taken much of the heat off him.

    As for budget cuts, you can pretty much take everything bad that ever happens and trace it back to a reduction in funding, and every one of those budget cut decisions can in turn be traced back to 13 years of criminal incompetence and sheer bufoonery by Labour….

    so, it’s all good: Labour screwed it up, we’re trying to fix it, can’t stop Mother Nature, you shouldn’t bloody live in a flood plain anyway (listen up all you morons living in the Mississippi flood plain), no number of women being put into cabinet posts would’ve stopped a once-in-250-years biblical rainfall, and the bottom line is that the idea of giving Labour the keys to Downing Street and allowing Milliband/Balls/Harman the controls is a horrifying nightmare.


    • 135
      Casual Observer 6 says:

      A big admission today from Dave was that much of the landscape and environment in the UK is actually man made, not natural.

      That should really kill the environmental movement in the UK stone dead.


  35. 128
    Excalibur back from Down Under says:

    So P@kist@n receives £480 million for flood relief from the UK yet we cannot channel (couldn’t resist!) some to ourselves.

    When normality returns to the elite running us all after the revolution I expect to see pike staffs duly mounted.


  36. 132
    Excalibur back from Down Under says:

    Simon Car should be paid.


  37. 141
    Ah! Starr comment says:

    David Shaw ‏@lfcmaestro23 43m
    Surely if Operation Yewtree arrest someone 3 times they get to keep him?


  38. 148
    He could become a popular Mayor of London says:


    • 153
      The City says:

      With those sorts of exchange rates you’d think the guy would have been able to make some real money


    • 155
      UK FLOOD AID says:

      In the UK donate £5 by texting the work ‘CÚNT’ to David Cameron.

      In the USA send $50 by texting the word ‘HAHA’ to David Cameron.



  39. 156
    Kim Jung-Un says:

    Is this a good time to convey my sincere condolences to the Benn dynasty?


  40. 161
    Anonymous says:

    The Guido team should investigate this:


    It’s an allegation of collusion between the Environment Agency and Labour MPs to undermine the government.


  41. 162
    Graham says:

    If David Laws can use money from UK taxpayers to spend on his gay lover , why can’t money from UK taxpayers be used to help flood victims ?


  42. 165
    Graham says:

    Environment Agency should be scrapped. A quango with 11,000 box tickers, tree huggers, vole lovers, LibDumbs & Guardianistas with most of the money spent on large salaries and pensions, having stopped river dredging years ago and have exacerbated disastrous flooding by utter stupidity.


  43. 171
    In loving memory says:

    So anne mcintosh is going to stand as an independent — who said she was only interested in her pension.?


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