February 11th, 2014

The War of Jenkin’s Dear

The Times Diary is tipping Andrew Lansley for our next EU Commissioner, with Andrew Mitchell still owed a favour, however Guido hears another name is in the frame for the job. Staunch Tory Eurosceptic Bernard Jenkins’s reputation took a big hit after he mistakenly claimed 95 Tory MPs had signed a letter to the PM demanding powers be clawed back from Europe only for the letter not to arrive and dozens of the alleged signatories deny they had even put their names to it. Now revenge is in the air. Bernard Jenkins has been heard to openly opine on Cameron’s lack of female ministers and the “unconscious slights to women”. The joke doing the rounds is that Jenkin’s wife Anne, the Tory Baroness Jenkin of Kennington, could be made a government minister. Or better still replace Cathy Ashton…


113 Comments

  1. 1
    Spartacus says:

    russia today reported:

    eu report says there is 160 thousand million yuros disappearing on fraud

    apparently has not investigated meps (and many of them are contract holders)

    I suppose they will just print some more.

    meanwhile bbc is reporting floods and floods and floods and floods and . . . smoking in cars

  2. 2
    M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

    You watch and believe Putin TV ?

  3. 3
    Lost in the wilderness says:

    Hammond on Sky saying military resourses are on standby for deployment when needed, but POLICE Gold Command have said they are not needed at present. This is a major incident but it cannot be the responsibilkity of the police to oversee.

  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    Ashton must qualify as the ugliest woman ever, even grosser than the Eagle sisters.

  5. 5
    Forward with Guidance says:

    Baoroness Jenkin of Kennington ?

    I have not even heard of her.

    Does she really exist.

    Did she used to play cricket?

    Does she know John Major?

    Does she know Adam Werrity?

  6. 6
    gngngn says:

    More truthful than the Ziopress.

  7. 7
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    Plain useless I thought.

    Makes a Chocolate fireguard look effective.

  8. 8
    The British media are total cunts says:

    Quite, I would even trust Press TV before our MSM shite.

  9. 9
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    A seven year boy is dead following flood water entering his house.

    Does the Honourable Minister think any responsibility rests with the Government he serves?

  10. 10
    SNAFU says:

    Who gave her that pearl necklace?

  11. 11
    The EA discovers that water flows. says:

    Did you see that piece on Sky? The EA directed soldiers and sailors to lay a wall of sandbags all through the night and they did. What the expert at the EA did not appreciate was that water would flow around the wall if it was not complete at one end. The wall was left open at one end and the Water did flow around the wall.

    As a member of the public who witnessed it said, “lions lead by donkeys”.

  12. 12
    Ah! History will record says:

    The Dutch needed a lad to put his finger in.
    The UK needed a man to pull his finger out.

  13. 13
    Green Dee says:

    New, from the makers of Omnishambles and National Buffoon’s Petrol Panic, it’s:

    National Buffoon’s Flood Fiasco

    In an abandoned High Street near you, NOW

  14. 14
    Leo Tolstoy says:

    I support and welcome Russian entry into the EU.

    With Vlad Putin in charge there will be no messing about .

  15. 15
    Scallywag says:

    Are you gay?

  16. 16
    Abdel from Tooting says:

    Has everyone had their overtime forms signed?

  17. 17
    The Blame game. says:

    Would have thought his parents should accept a major part of the blame for running a 2 stroke engine inside their house. IF YOU feel e everything needs to be blamed on someone. Are you a socialist?

  18. 18
    i don't need no doctor says:

    Do the media purposely wind up flooded residents. Is this another way for the media to attack the government. Why doesn’t the BBC just say that “we hate tories and that is our agenda”.

  19. 19
    All join the gravy train says:

    I hadn’t even heard of Ashton until she had secured her sinecure.

  20. 20
    To be Fair says:

    To be fair it sounds more like donkeys led by donkeys to be honest !!!!

  21. 21
    James Turner says:

    Dave said that the “COBRA procedure” was in action.

    (For the uninitiated, this means he has lots of meetings)

    He also said that the Army was on standby for making sandbags and he thinks the Royal Marines are the Army (they’re not, Dave, they’re Navy)

    Anyway – here’s what action-man Dave’s done so far –
    Had lots of meetings; gone to PMQs and blamed Labour; decided to take charge and chair lots of meetings; been poncing about in wellies; sent the army in (well, the marines); been on the telly poncing about a bit more in wellies; got the army, no, the marines, out again; let his ministers go on the telly to blame Labour; ponced about a bit more in wellies; got the army in again, or not, or maybe on standby; realised that nobody’s interested in the blaming stuff; done his action man schtick a bit more in his wellies; chaired meetings on the phone (wow); told everyone to stop the blaming thing; and that’s it.

    Marvellous. This is his “Katrina moment”. Going well, no?

  22. 22
    Abdel from Tooting says:

    This is not funny.

    People are going to die. People are going to lose their homes. People are going to lose their livelihoods.

    This summer at Wimbledon there will be a shortage of strawberries.

    What will the corporate hospitality division of RBS do I ask myself.

  23. 23
    All join the gravy train says:

    The spunked away tax payer’s money probably

  24. 24
    The British Public says:

    We hate Tories too…

  25. 25
    i don't need no doctor says:

    James Turner, why don’t you go and suck up all the flood water. Your gob sounds big enough.

  26. 26
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    I wonder what she did to get her sinecure secured?

  27. 27
    A socialist says:

    It was obviously the fault of the evil capitalist enterprise that manufactured the two-stroke engine of death, and the oil companies that refined the oil the engine used for fuel.

    And it’s the fault of the government, too, obviously.

    And Thatcher.

  28. 28
    To be honest says:

    The taxpayer will be picking up a fancy tab for last night.

  29. 29
    The Cloggies are here. says:

    Excellent piece on the Sky news show the Dutch hydro engineering team arriving in Somerset. They have a massive convoy of trucks carry gert fuck off pumps and pipes. They are going to try and undo 20 years of miss management of the levels by the Environmental Agency in as many days.

  30. 30
    Sad but true says:

    Sadly, given the education under labour most will not understand or would have ever heard of the war of Jenkins war

  31. 31
    Socialists are invariably ugly says:

    She faces pretty tough competition from Margaret Beckett and Clare Short.

  32. 32
    Sad but true says:

    Fucking Jenkins ear FFs

    Hate auto correct

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Golda Meier was no oil painting but when she spoke people paid attention.

  34. 34
    Finger in a dyke says:

    But but but the nasty baby eaters are doing nuffink
    Not like our great leader Milliband

  35. 35
  36. 36
    Nick Clegg's half-dead brain says:

    Oh no! Think of those big nasty trucks’ carbon emissions!

  37. 37
    Rules 1 to 10. No Poofters says:

    At least if Putin was in charge Lord Chris Slug features Smith would not have a job.

  38. 38
    Sue Denim says:

    Then turn it off.

  39. 39
    An awkward bastard says:

    So you try to seek justice for a dead seven year old boy and immediately the old game of pass the parcel starts.

    Yes I know it was a totally avoidable accident with tragic consequences.

    Let is all have a debate about David Moyes leaving Man Utd instead.

  40. 40
    EUseless says:

    Bonfire of the useless is urgently required.

  41. 41
    Mr Curious says:

    Why does almighty Allah always pick complete retards to be his followers?

  42. 42
    Crabina Trimingham says:

    Is Cathy Ashton a woman then ?

  43. 43
    Why is Gloria TVAM a socialist? says:

    Yes. Yes she does face stiff competition from her fellow socialists.

  44. 44
    Skeleton Bob says:

    Liblabcon politicans – what an absolute shower.

  45. 45
    seriously? says:

    You’d need a heart of stone not to laugh.

  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    If memory serves was not the letter sent to the Member for Witney rather than the PM @ NO10-FOI and all that.
    PS I think you’ll find his name in Jenkin not Jenkins.

  47. 47
    Historian says:

    Central Chinese TV also excellent nowadays

    A real global view not endless Western scandals and decadence

  48. 48
    fabians are EVIL says:

    You idiot Turner – the EA is a typical socialist; big government, bureaucratic, cover your arse hiding place for clerically minded jobsworths. The last ‘effin Labour government sank the economy and now they are trying to sink England. You Twat!!

  49. 49
    Did someone say something? says:

    Baroness does not have that problem.

  50. 50
    non taxable pikey says:

    Yes he would and it would involve an awful lot of shitshovellin

  51. 51
    cheche says:

    What about the newts

  52. 52
    The apostrophe police says:

    Guido hedged his bets and called him both Jenkins and Jenkin.

  53. 53
    Historian says:

    She had balls as well

    Was she a woman?

  54. 54
    Green Dee says:

    We don’t have to worry now that Eric Pickles is on top of the situation.

  55. 55
    We are the losers says:

    We seem to be a land of “experts” according to bBBC and Sky news drama queens, do we have anybody in charge who actually knows what the hell is going on and taking charge to sort out the problems, we have an expert who has a number of box tools, he must know what he’s up too as he has a hi vis jacket on and a plastic hat.

  56. 56
    Never believe anything you find on Google (or anywhere else on-line) says:

    All is going well with the ongoing New Labour Environmental Policy of restoring lowland Conservative Constituencies, from the Isle of Athelney (when Alfed burned the cakes) to Thorney Island (Westminster) to Saxon Wetland.

  57. 57
    Tom Daily says:

    If he belly flopped onto the water it’d all disappear.

  58. 58
    Dipstick says:

    It was a chipolata and not a gherkin. Near enough though.

  59. 59
    Clausewitz says:

    Excellent military history reference in your headline there, congrats guido!

  60. 60
    Mayor Bonking Boris says:

    The Thames Barrier is shut again

    Expect the rest of the Thames Valley to flood

    To save the City and H od C

    ROFL

  61. 61
    Jeez says:

    FFS! The guy’s name is Jenkin, not Jenkins.

  62. 62
    Ah! patient says:

    See you took the medicine. Reset.

  63. 63
    Anonymous says:

    It is not the MP’s job anymore to have any sense. All they do is ask the person who is responsible for the failure if everything is OK. Of course they answer yes. Why would an expert who can not see an obvious problem say anything else. So MPs never do anything.

    Notice how they “blame the experts” but never question their ability even when a member of the public highlights the problem months earlier.

    The reason is that MP are generally thick dropouts. We need an entrance exam for MPs!

    One MP WILL lose their seat in 2015 due to his negligence, and arse covering, that caused a death. He has absolutely no common sense.

  64. 64
    Never believe anything you find on Google (or anywhere else on-line) says:

    I thought he was working for Putin, returning Conservative consistuencies to wetland sanctuaries for birds migrating to and from Siberia for his friend to shoot en route.

  65. 65
    Flooded in Datchet says:

    I’ve been Cobraed

    Not a nice feeling

  66. 66
    Ah! you might expect says:

    PMQs Tomorrow.

    ” Can the Prime Minister tell us why this Tory led government did not dredge the North Sea?”

  67. 67
    Anonymous says:

    A dead donkey would be a better replacement for Ashton, wouldn’t cost as much and probably talk more sense.

  68. 68
    Shareholder says:

    Meanwhile Barclays excels again

    Pays the equivalent of its net profits to investment banksters in bonuses

    And fires 12 00 ordinary employees

    Piano wire time

  69. 69
    Moron says:

    led. educated under labour?

  70. 70
    Spartacus says:

    ah, the floods, and no eu fraud. got it.

  71. 71
    An awkward bastard says:

    I have just heard people in Surrey are having their horses put down because with the flood waters it is cheaper than moving them to higher ground.

    What is happening to the carcasses I want to know.

    Are they going into the food chain?

  72. 72
    Lot says:

    I’m laughing.

  73. 73
    Never believe anything you find on Google (or anywhere else on-line) says:

    Insha’ Allah

  74. 74
    Member for Windsor says:

    Can the PM tell us why he shut the Thames Barrier at the time of highest flows

    So that half my constituency should be flooded?

  75. 75
    An awkward bastard says:

    Is the Underground flooded yet?

    That would really scupper the strike.

  76. 76
    A. Lion says:

    Chester Zoo I hope.

  77. 77
    Sly of the family Stallone says:

    Better get used to it – at least until 2015.

  78. 78
    Fish says:

    The Dutch are on the Somerset Levels in large numbers sorting it all out for us…not that you’d know from the BBC. They’re more interested in the doom and pointing fingers on behalf of their colleagues in the Labour Party. It’s the BBC who are politicising this.

  79. 79
    Never believe anything you find on Google (or anywhere else on-line) says:

    Do we want to reform the European Union or find yet more reasons to leave?

    If you want to change things you speak softly and carry a big stick. Not rant and wave a feather duster.

  80. 80
    Sue know what I'm talking about says:

    Woman on breakfast TV says no “help at all having do it all themselves! Apart from Fire and Rescue service Oh and police”

  81. 81
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Import them from Europe?

  82. 82
    Ah! sense at last says:

    Lord Smith ” If we had have drained the rivers, you would have been under two feet of water rather than three.”

  83. 83
    Fish says:

    It must be some really sick sort of shit to compare this with a storm that made a quarter of a million people homeless, killed two thousand and cost $150bn.

    Sicko

  84. 84
    A fat gypsy girl heading back to France says:

    Is insulting donkeys something you excel at ?

  85. 85
  86. 86
  87. 87
    Nope says:

    Tipping point yet?

  88. 88
    altruism in industry says:

    well there’s an interesting thing.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/10619538/Head-of-Mormon-church-Thomas-Monson-summoned-by-British-magistrates-court-over-Adam-and-Eve-teaching.html

    “The document suggests that asking members of the church to make contributions while promoting theological doctrines which “might be untrue or misleading” could be a breach of the Fraud Act 2006. “

  89. 89
    Gutter Watcher says:

    And they both have strong Lazards connections

  90. 90
    Ah! sorry to spoil the fun says:

    Not pearls, Poundland by the look of ‘em.

  91. 91
    Pink News says:

    But what would have happened if Adam had been a shirtlifter I ask?

    Assuming someone had given him a shirt to lift…of course…

  92. 92
    This is what you get with a towel folder as Chancellor says:

    £20.6billion in public sector fraud.
    £1.9billion on foreign aid due to the international development budget being protected from cuts.
    £1.6billion in sick pay due to higher rates of absence among public sector workers.
    £1.4billion paying GPs more than their French counterparts
    £1.2billion on NHS clinical negligence payouts
    £1.1billion in “excessive subsidies to train operating companies”.

  93. 93
    Wendi says:

    Eve would have been very frustrated and we would not exist…

  94. 94
    Phil the Greek says:

    And my polo ground has been flooded

    That is high treason I will have you know…

  95. 95
    Dan Hodges, wanker extraordinaire says:

    It seems the Minister of Defence needs the Army to protect him from the People

    Sounds like North Korea to me

  96. 96
    seriously? says:

    Prior to 2010 none of this public sector fraud or waste existed.

  97. 97
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Tesco are on their way.

    Never look a dead gift horse in the mouth :-)

  98. 98
    Fish says:

    Not listening…our viewers and listeners in Hampstead, Primrose Hill and Islington will not be interested in any Dutch engineers…

    Meanwhile, serious questions are being asked about the cost of the wellington worn by that Bastard Cameron on his visit to the South West and whether they will be paid for by the taxpayer.

    In other news:

    Labour Leader and our next Prime Minister Edwin Miliband made a triumphant visit to Purley on Thames to see the total destruction wrought by the Conservative led Government who have allowed so much rain to fall on the UK.

    Mr Miliband was welcomed with a rapturous reception from thousands of local people, as he led a convoy of rescue vehicles. Mr Miliband promised that he would pay upto £16bn to rebuild river defences in the lower Thames, paid for by a bankers bonus tax. Every house would also be provided with a government issued coracle, Mr Miliband told BBC reporter (and admirer) Evan Davies

  99. 99
    seriously? says:

    Tell that to the person who is under 10″ of water.

  100. 100
    Fish says:

    Horse? Tasty.

    BTW: Can you now get giraffe on Borough Market?

  101. 101
    Allah u Ack Boom says:

    Ooops

  102. 102
    A Plastic hat says:

    It’s not my fault!

  103. 103
    seriously? says:

    Of course Mormonism is fucking bollocks. But then so is all religion.

    Can we have some magistrate issue a summons to these fucking ayatollahs and those loons in Is*ra*el with the big hats and ringlets. And the p*pe. get that fucker in as well while we’re at it.

  104. 104
    CARBON FOOTPRINT says:

    The sad pathetic remnants of the army would not fill Old Trafford, how can any body expect them to be any help with the floods ,their heavy equipment has been sold off, they have the threat of redundancy hanging over them, morale is at rock bottom , they feel totally betrayed by what is passing itself off as a conservative government. Why should they give a fuck?

  105. 105
    CARBON FOOTPRINT says:

    Horsemeat is perfectly edible ,more so than the imported new zealand shitty halal lamb!

  106. 106
    Is this criminal fraud ? says:

    The question that should be asked is did he really stay in these hotels overnight or just claim he did to get the money ?

  107. 107
    Anonymous says:

    Definition of an “Expert”:- Someone who learns more & more about less & less until they know eff all about anything.

  108. 108
    NE Frontiersman says:

    Did she really say during one negotiation deadlock that the Egyptians were in denial?

  109. 109
    I dislike socialists intensely says:

    Well done Fish ,you summed it up well. The BBC bias is so obvious that it
    must make even them cringe,

  110. 110
    Questions questions says:

    Not quite right. Remember, there was Adam and Eve; and Cain and Abel.

    So where did you come from? Was poofmarriage allowed back in those early days?

  111. 111
    Nymphs and Shepherds... says:

    Perhaps Dave should try the Luton Girls’ Choir (if they still exist).

  112. 112
    Rightwinggit says:

    He was a Ni**er, and his dad was a stupid Ni**er, no harm done.

  113. 113
    Rightwinggit says:

    Boom, Boom, Allah uk Ack Boom.

    Boom, Boom, Allah Ack Boom Boom,

    Everyone spread across the floor,

    you’re the sons of worthless whores…


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Alan Milburn says Labour’s scaremongering campaign for an unreformed NHS will not win election…

“It would be a fatal mistake, in my view, for Labour to go into this election looking as though it is the party that would better resource the National Health Service but not necessarily put its foot to the floor when it comes to reforming. Look, reforms are not easy, but the Labour Party is not a conservative party. It should be about moving things forward not preserving them in aspic. You have got a pale imitation actually of the 1992 general election campaign, and maybe it will have the same outcome. I don’t know.”


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