January 31st, 2014

Friday Caption Contest: International Joke Edition


  1. 1
    vile labour ruined my wife says:

    Dave – “I hope you haven’t shagged my Mrs as well”

  2. 2
    moi hisself says:

    jacques un a sangatte!

  3. 3
    Roger the sheep says:

    Franciois, does your misses know you’re here?

  4. 4
    Darth Pooh says:

    “I love that word “relationship.” Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship; a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm… Britain. We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham’s right foot. David Beckham’s left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that. “

  5. 5
    Swordsman Hollande says:

    Non, we have become a joke ever since I was elected on msr Milliband’s programme – the shagging has at most a marginal effect

  6. 6
    Antipo-dean says:

    Turned France into an international joke? Because before we were perfectly respectable cheese-eating surrender monkeys?

  7. 7
    une grande horizontale says:

    would you describe the economic outlook of france as ‘horizontale’?

  8. 8
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    French XV announce new hooker.

  9. 9
    Antipo-dean says:

    Keep up – he doesn’t have one any more.

  10. 10
    Clarence for Brighton says:

    The honour of the British press upheld… ?

    I keep them right !

  11. 11
    C.O.Jones says:

    Ear muffs so they Hear no Evil.

  12. 12
    Steve Miliband says:

    He doesn’t Hangar bout

  13. 13

    Come out from under there Ms Gayet!

  14. 14
    Newsfox says:

    Hollande: “I am sorry your lovelife is so shit and your wife so ugly that you are forced to ask this question to mask your own uncontrolled self loathing.”

  15. 15
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Cameron is saying “Nope I don’t think you’re quite as tall as the last one – almost but not quite. Can I suggest some platforms or perhaps a box to stand on”

  16. 16
    Steve Miliband says:

    Only one of us has enjoyed a ‘double dip’

  17. 17
    Rickytshirt says:

    Has my love life turned France into an international joke? Not as much as my economic policy, that’s for sure.

  18. 18
    Gez says:

    “Of course not! France was already an international joke.”

  19. 19
    Boris Johnson says:

    I say – that’s shocking!!

  20. 20
    C.O.Jones says:

    That might be a good idea considering that Cameron is kneeling.

  21. 21
    Boris Johnson says:

    Better than being a liar and a cheat. And French.

  22. 22
    Milliweed looking for hot leadership tips under the lectern says:

    Slobber slobber, nom nom.

  23. 23
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Cameron: No, I did not say that Monsieur le President is a flanker.

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    Non, but I have fucked Le Miliband

  25. 25
    The sun reporter says:

    Oi! Napoleon, do you know Hugh Grant?

  26. 26
    altruism in industry says:

    that building looks a bit “Pompidou”

  27. 27
    Boris Johnson says:

    Are those two reporters the “before” and “after” hair-transplant advert guys?

  28. 28
    geordieboy says:

    I have been too busy screwing around and screwed my country at the same time and if all goes well Mr Miliband will screw your country as well.

  29. 29
    David Cameron says:

    “I say, have you ever taken your mistress up the Champs-Élysées”?

  30. 30
    Maggie says:

    But my awful children and I did shag the Exchequer with registering my £12m house in the British Virgin Islands to avoid inheritance tax. Remember plebs, there’s no such thing as society, only plebs pay tax, and according to some fat homosexual Indian mulatto crimnal blogger in the pay of Hasbara, I was a great prime minister and loved my country and its indigenous people.

  31. 31
    Sam Cam says:

    Don’t leave him behind in the pub Dave.

  32. 32
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  33. 33
    The Battle of the Nile says:

    He has never married, like all socialists he believes in ‘free’ love. One can only assume it is the lure of power that lets these women have the bald rotund little man panting and climbing all over them?

  34. 34
    Short man syndrome says:

    Cameron: “I only said can we renegotiate our relationship and now he’s gone all sulky”

  35. 35
    John Alexander says:

    The honour of the British press would be better upheld if they made more of an attempt to keep Cameron honest.

    His latest lying spree is on immigration and merits a few tough questions.

    Why call allowing Polish immigration a huge mistake when they have the lowest take up rate on benefits of any ethnic group in the UK?

    Incidentally there’s a great take on exactly why that is in, “He Who Lies With Good Intent” at:


  36. 36
    Hollande says:

    Bet we could stuff you public school boynobbers at cricket

  37. 37
    BBC Breaking News says:

    Exclusive image reveals 3 illegal sport fans watching a Bulldog chewing a Frog!

  38. 38
    Marlon Brando says:

    Bring butter..

  39. 39
    #Baffled says:

    Are you trying to lose the caption competition?

  40. 40
    Country Life says:

    “You’ll never get a better bit of butter up-yer-wife!”

  41. 41
    zoot alors says:

    And, er, ow you say, there was just this billet-doux pour moi:

    Tu est 59 years old, je suis 48. By le time tu receivez this lettre, je will attendre le ‘otel with le 18 year old pool boy. As you can do le mathematique, tu will appreciate that 18 goes into 48 more times than 59 goes into 48.
    Au revoir

  42. 42
    C.O.Jones says:

    He is trying to win the Lanterne Rouge.

  43. 43
    SleeplessInKirkaldy says:

    Free in the sense that someone else ends up paying

  44. 44
    Flies are up says:


    mon flight flew at sept kilometers high pour deur hours. J’am a 59.

  45. 45
    George Street (Mr) says:

    Anglo-French Symposium on Hair Loss – not that well attended.

  46. 46
    Marlon Brando says:

    He has a lot of competition.

  47. 47
    The British media are cunts says:

    We’re off for lunch now, it’s beef curtain I hear Francois.

  48. 48
    Phil Westlake says:

    Dave looks on as a very keen to get the job of EU Commissioner Nick Clegg is hiding in the lectern and pleasuring Hollande as he speaks.

  49. 49
    Spring has come says:

    tea et crumpet a quartre. Qui.

  50. 50
    Mark Oaten says:

    I prefer Nutella.

  51. 51
    product placement says:

    Salted or unsalted Le President blocks of butter?

  52. 52
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    What am I bid for zis ..zis basket case economy. Its antique circa 1799 socialist period. A bit battered but still good for a farm subsidy or a EU parliament .. shall we start at 8,000 euro?

  53. 53
    Historian says:

    Cameron thinks it a good idea to attack the Poles using lies

    The same Polish people who fought in their hundreds of thousands so valiantly alogside the British especially inthe RAF at the time when the US just stood aloof and watched

    What a disgrace to Britain this slimy PR mam Cameron is

    Kissing US and Chinese ass to boot

    No honesty, no honour a true repesentative of Britain’s moral collapse

  54. 54
    Super trolley ride says:

    It is those toy cars rides outside supermarkets. A euro a go. We french love the back and throw.

  55. 55
    Mr Potato Head2 says:

    Hollande: I have fucked many women and now I am fucking France.

  56. 56
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    I deed not have zee sex weeth that woman, I just fucked zee whole of france.

  57. 57
    Jack Dromey says:

    Salted, please..and lots of it.

  58. 58
    Dave says:

    poppycock. English public schools have the best boy nobbers in the world.

  59. 59
    Hollande on the take says:

    I hear everything is free in the UK.
    Free press, free social, free health. But they say loose women.

  60. 60
    Mr Potato Head2 says:

    Hollande: What eez so funny about getting on my bike showing off my big helmet?

  61. 61
    Londoner says:

    ‘Why call allowing Polish immigration a huge mistake when they have the lowest take up rate on benefits of any ethnic group in the UK?’

    Because the impact on real people is not measured by the public in benefit intakes, much as that interests politicians and they like to steer the debate in those terms. Whatever the government’s balance sheets may say, immigration has many many other downsides for the public.

    The impact is felt in an lack of school places, queues at the doctors, even more overcrowded public transport, unfamiliar forms of crime and anti-social behaviour higher rents, lack of job opportunities. alien shops flying foreign flags outside, where business is conducted in foreign languages and not in English, not being able to understand the foreign accents that now plague the public address systems on our trains and railways, not seeing friendly British faces when they turn up at public authorities, high rents, seeing slovenly unshaven people in high viz jackets wielding petty authority over them, rarely hearing English spoken in the streets, white flight, having endless pro-immigration and anti-British multicultural guff pumped at us in the media and by local authorities and generally feeling as if our own government hates us in our own country and we no longer live in their own country.

  62. 62
    Jack says:

    Another good example of cheap sordid questions from a morally bankrupt British Press

    Whose representatives are in the box at the Old Bailey at this moment

    A little modesty would go a long way

    Or perhaps that is too much to ask

  63. 63
    Mrs Jack Dromey says:

    I’m a Marmite man myself !

  64. 64
    Hollande Parlez says:

    Pourqui non femme journalist ou actresses en le audience.

  65. 65
    Edith Cresson says:

    Ils elle all homosexuals

  66. 66
    Monsieur Hollande replies to man from the British press regarding his liaison with a french actress says:

    Casse toi, idiot !

  67. 67
    Mr Potato Head2 says:

    Hollande: I made Julie a nice meal and my sausage went down very well.

  68. 68
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    FH – Now, please raise your hands for ze questions asking.

    {all journos raise hands}

    FH – Bearing in mind I said I am not going to say anything about my private life.

    {all journos lower hands.}

  69. 69
    The most amusing claim ever says:

    Quite right…..the British press succeeded brilliantly in this respect when both Bliar and Brown were PM after all

  70. 70
    Fly on the wall says:

    Dave: This Summit was held in a hangar in the middle of a well guarded RAF base miles from anywhere in order to keep Hollande safe from the hordes of now UK based frog businessmen who would like to get their hands round his little scrawny neck.

    I do hope that answers your question.

  71. 71
    (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

    Cameron; And so Mr President, you are seeking even closer ties with the UK?

    Hollande; Mon dieu, do not mention that scandal rag in my presence, do you not know who I am?

    Cameron; Oui monsieur, we know exactly who you are.

  72. 72
    Mr Potato Head2 says:

    Hollande: La viande rose.

  73. 73
    Dave from Witney says:

    No worries, Sam. I’m using the old trick of going to the “bog” when the bill comes and then nipping out the side door.

  74. 74
    Steve Miliband says:

    Have you seen Nancy? She was here a minute ago

  75. 75
    Edith Cresson says:

    That sheep shagger, Michael Edwards, elected to the L’Académie française made me spit in Sarkozy face.

  76. 76
    Rickytshirt says:

    “Non. Fancy a f**k?”

  77. 77
    Coeur_de_lion says:

    Don’t miss the new series of Ross Kemp’s Hardest Wangs – Rebekah’s Boys…

  78. 78
    nell says:

    I have left my little french scooter at home as mr cameron kindly provided me with a car for the day to give me a little more dignity.

  79. 79

    But I don’t need no friends
    As long as I gaze on Waterloo Sunset…

  80. 80
    François Hollande says:

    I hear half of you journalists are either in the box at the Old Bailey at the moment

    or soon will be

    Look at yourselves in the mirror, Under the sun before insulting others

  81. 81
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    I refute that. I have improved the French economy. Those “Dexter” helmets made by French company Motoblouz are flying off the shelves.

  82. 82
  83. 83
    WelshRacer says:

    Hollande “My sex life is like a 2014 Renault F1 engine” goes bang after 1 lap.

  84. 84
    wrinkled weasel says:

    “Is that sauce Hollandaise on your trouser leg, or are you just pleased to see me?”

  85. 85
    Hollande I am the king of the bedroom chamber says:

    I have brought my own 55 women bodyguards, inherited from Colonel Gaddafi.

  86. 86
    Libertie(s) says:

    Free for him and it only costs his partners their dignity

  87. 87
    Grumpy old man says:

    “Mon brave homme, l’homme ne peut pas améliorer Nature”

  88. 88
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Haven’t the sign-writers miss-spelled the ‘FUCK-FRANCE SUMMIT’ slogan, dear?

  89. 89
    Londoner says:


  90. 90
    Hollande I am the king of the bedroom chamber says:

    Are they dropping off
    Only the sagging and dropping derriere. I check them all myself.

  91. 91
    Newsnight says:

    You have an admirer in the UK Mr Hollande

    Is she pretty?

    No and he goes by the name of Ed Milliband.


  92. 92
    Sue says:

    Roly Poly with sauce latter

  93. 93
    Hollande says:

    You can have my last rolo.

  94. 94
    Anonymous says:

    Le grenouille says…
    Je suis libre entre 5 et 7. Je pourrai take ta femme up le shard?

  95. 95
  96. 96
    Hollande on the hour says:

    We say in France if the sex is no good you go else where.

  97. 97
    Hollande on the road says:

    Well, after the warm up lap you can change into spare and start at the back.

  98. 98
    Hollande with a few more to go says:

    I have passed many a lady down the straight

  99. 99
    Hollande says:

    Don’t impersonate me. The F word is not in the french language.

  100. 100
    An awkward bastard says:

    I notice the Little Emperor flew into London today by plane.

    Whatever happened to his promise to the French Electorate to go everywhere by train to save money?

  101. 101
    Ken Clarke says:

    What were his shoes like ?

    Has he bought a new pair especially for this visit ?

    Are they Hush Puppies ?

  102. 102
    Anonymous says:

    Motorized Home.

  103. 103
    Eccles says:

    Why is that man in the suit not wearing a crash helmet ?

  104. 104
    Inspector Clouseau says:

    And why are there no women in that photograph ?

  105. 105
    Hollande says:

    I work into the night, Results will come.

  106. 106
    Hollande says:

    Where ever I go things are on the up.

  107. 107
    Bleubottle says:

    Where is he hiding all his Eurobonds?

    Are they in his wallet ?

  108. 108
    Hollande says:

    His idea of going steady is to stay the night. I always for a wash and madame’s morning meal.

  109. 109
    Françoise Hollande says:

    Je souhaite que je pourrais penser à quelque chose de drôle à dire. J’ai toujours voulu gagner ce concours.

  110. 110
    Tom Catesby says:

    ‘I weel tell you ze joke Daveed telled to me in zer poob’
    ‘Zo there was thees rat et le ferret in zer poob….’
    Non, mais non, I deedn’t get eet myself, alors!

  111. 111
    Tom Catesby says:

    If Hollande had used the euro tunnel, it would have been too tempting to fill it with water.

  112. 112
    Rickytshirt says:

    When in Rome…

  113. 113
    macduff says:

    Shouldn’t that be “Prize Nob”?

  114. 114

    ‘Go on Frankie, get your leg over that microphone!’

  115. 115
    Mad Franky Hollande = Ed Miliband without the libido says:

    “My economy is bigger than yours”
    “But size daz nat matteur, eets what Julie says”

  116. 116
    The man at the back with the blue jumper - yes you, sir says:

    There is hope for me after all!

    All I need now is some power. Anyone know of a country that needs a decent leader? I will consider all offers in alphabetical order.

  117. 117
    Dikky M says:

    We’re all fucked. I’m fucked, Julie’s fucked and Valerie’s completely fucked off.
    France is fucked and the whole of Europe is fucked.
    It’s the biggest cock-up ever. We’re all completely fucked.

  118. 118
    anonymouse says:

    Who says he climbs all over them?

  119. 119
    Insectualization says:

    No concord, but we do have a couple of drones.

  120. 120
    Francois Hollande says:

    Go ahead, laugh.
    But after this little charade, I get to go to Paris, and you don’t.

  121. 121
    Robbie says:

    I agreed with Gordon….Doh!

  122. 122
    Nobby Hollande says:

    You bring them on, I’ll shag ‘em, mes braves.

  123. 123
    Anonymous says:

    Ah ze nu harmed drone. Ve vill design and develop ze systems and ve vill allow vous to azzemble ze bits of ze kits manufactured en France.

  124. 124
    Ethelred the Unsteady says:

    Dave : François, what are you having – a pint or a bint ? Either goes down well.

  125. 125
    Ethelred the Unsteady says:

    Dave ; Damn RAF – I said we were flying in a prize moron, not land him at Brize Norton.

  126. 126

    A little late, but good info :)

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