January 31st, 2014

Friday Caption Contest: International Joke Edition

Dave cracks a wry smile as the Telegraph’s Chris Hope (bottom of the pic) asks Hollande if his private life has turned France into an international joke. The honour of the British press upheld…

Via Nick Watt and Robert Oxley.


  1. 1
    vile labour ruined my wife says:

    Dave – “I hope you haven’t shagged my Mrs as well”


  2. 2
    moi hisself says:

    jacques un a sangatte!


    • 55
      Mr Potato Head2 says:

      Hollande: I have fucked many women and now I am fucking France.


      • 117
        Dikky M says:

        We’re all fucked. I’m fucked, Julie’s fucked and Valerie’s completely fucked off.
        France is fucked and the whole of Europe is fucked.
        It’s the biggest cock-up ever. We’re all completely fucked.


  3. 3
    Roger the sheep says:

    Franciois, does your misses know you’re here?


    • 9
      Antipo-dean says:

      Keep up – he doesn’t have one any more.


      • 33
        The Battle of the Nile says:

        He has never married, like all socialists he believes in ‘free’ love. One can only assume it is the lure of power that lets these women have the bald rotund little man panting and climbing all over them?


    • 120
      Francois Hollande says:

      Go ahead, laugh.
      But after this little charade, I get to go to Paris, and you don’t.


  4. 4
    Darth Pooh says:

    “I love that word “relationship.” Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship; a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm… Britain. We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham’s right foot. David Beckham’s left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that. “


  5. 5
    Swordsman Hollande says:

    Non, we have become a joke ever since I was elected on msr Milliband’s programme – the shagging has at most a marginal effect


  6. 6
    Antipo-dean says:

    Turned France into an international joke? Because before we were perfectly respectable cheese-eating surrender monkeys?


    • 75
      Edith Cresson says:

      That sheep shagger, Michael Edwards, elected to the L’Académie française made me spit in Sarkozy face.


  7. 7
    une grande horizontale says:

    would you describe the economic outlook of france as ‘horizontale’?


  8. 8
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    French XV announce new hooker.


  9. 10
    Clarence for Brighton says:

    The honour of the British press upheld… ?

    I keep them right !


  10. 11
    C.O.Jones says:

    Ear muffs so they Hear no Evil.


  11. 12
    Steve Miliband says:

    He doesn’t Hangar bout


  12. 13

    Come out from under there Ms Gayet!


  13. 14
    Newsfox says:

    Hollande: “I am sorry your lovelife is so shit and your wife so ugly that you are forced to ask this question to mask your own uncontrolled self loathing.”


  14. 15
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Cameron is saying “Nope I don’t think you’re quite as tall as the last one – almost but not quite. Can I suggest some platforms or perhaps a box to stand on”


  15. 16
    Steve Miliband says:

    Only one of us has enjoyed a ‘double dip’


  16. 17
    Rickytshirt says:

    Has my love life turned France into an international joke? Not as much as my economic policy, that’s for sure.


  17. 18
    Gez says:

    “Of course not! France was already an international joke.”


  18. 22
    Milliweed looking for hot leadership tips under the lectern says:

    Slobber slobber, nom nom.


  19. 23
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Cameron: No, I did not say that Monsieur le President is a flanker.


  20. 25
    The sun reporter says:

    Oi! Napoleon, do you know Hugh Grant?


  21. 26
    altruism in industry says:

    that building looks a bit “Pompidou”


  22. 27
    Boris Johnson says:

    Are those two reporters the “before” and “after” hair-transplant advert guys?


  23. 28
    geordieboy says:

    I have been too busy screwing around and screwed my country at the same time and if all goes well Mr Miliband will screw your country as well.


  24. 29
    David Cameron says:

    “I say, have you ever taken your mistress up the Champs-Élysées”?


  25. 31
    Sam Cam says:

    Don’t leave him behind in the pub Dave.


    • 73
      Dave from Witney says:

      No worries, Sam. I’m using the old trick of going to the “bog” when the bill comes and then nipping out the side door.


  26. 32
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  27. 34
    Short man syndrome says:

    Cameron: “I only said can we renegotiate our relationship and now he’s gone all sulky”


  28. 35
    John Alexander says:

    The honour of the British press would be better upheld if they made more of an attempt to keep Cameron honest.

    His latest lying spree is on immigration and merits a few tough questions.

    Why call allowing Polish immigration a huge mistake when they have the lowest take up rate on benefits of any ethnic group in the UK?

    Incidentally there’s a great take on exactly why that is in, “He Who Lies With Good Intent” at:



    • 53
      Historian says:

      Cameron thinks it a good idea to attack the Poles using lies

      The same Polish people who fought in their hundreds of thousands so valiantly alogside the British especially inthe RAF at the time when the US just stood aloof and watched

      What a disgrace to Britain this slimy PR mam Cameron is

      Kissing US and Chinese ass to boot

      No honesty, no honour a true repesentative of Britain’s moral collapse


    • 61
      Londoner says:

      ‘Why call allowing Polish immigration a huge mistake when they have the lowest take up rate on benefits of any ethnic group in the UK?’

      Because the impact on real people is not measured by the public in benefit intakes, much as that interests politicians and they like to steer the debate in those terms. Whatever the government’s balance sheets may say, immigration has many many other downsides for the public.

      The impact is felt in an lack of school places, queues at the doctors, even more overcrowded public transport, unfamiliar forms of crime and anti-social behaviour higher rents, lack of job opportunities. alien shops flying foreign flags outside, where business is conducted in foreign languages and not in English, not being able to understand the foreign accents that now plague the public address systems on our trains and railways, not seeing friendly British faces when they turn up at public authorities, high rents, seeing slovenly unshaven people in high viz jackets wielding petty authority over them, rarely hearing English spoken in the streets, white flight, having endless pro-immigration and anti-British multicultural guff pumped at us in the media and by local authorities and generally feeling as if our own government hates us in our own country and we no longer live in their own country.


    • 69
      The most amusing claim ever says:

      Quite right…..the British press succeeded brilliantly in this respect when both Bliar and Brown were PM after all


  29. 37
    BBC Breaking News says:

    Exclusive image reveals 3 illegal sport fans watching a Bulldog chewing a Frog!


  30. 41
    zoot alors says:

    And, er, ow you say, there was just this billet-doux pour moi:

    Tu est 59 years old, je suis 48. By le time tu receivez this lettre, je will attendre le ‘otel with le 18 year old pool boy. As you can do le mathematique, tu will appreciate that 18 goes into 48 more times than 59 goes into 48.
    Au revoir


  31. 45
    George Street (Mr) says:

    Anglo-French Symposium on Hair Loss – not that well attended.


  32. 47
    The British media are cunts says:

    We’re off for lunch now, it’s beef curtain I hear Francois.


  33. 48
    Phil Westlake says:

    Dave looks on as a very keen to get the job of EU Commissioner Nick Clegg is hiding in the lectern and pleasuring Hollande as he speaks.


  34. 52
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    What am I bid for zis ..zis basket case economy. Its antique circa 1799 socialist period. A bit battered but still good for a farm subsidy or a EU parliament .. shall we start at 8,000 euro?


  35. 56
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    I deed not have zee sex weeth that woman, I just fucked zee whole of france.


  36. 62
    Jack says:

    Another good example of cheap sordid questions from a morally bankrupt British Press

    Whose representatives are in the box at the Old Bailey at this moment

    A little modesty would go a long way

    Or perhaps that is too much to ask


  37. 66
    Monsieur Hollande replies to man from the British press regarding his liaison with a french actress says:

    Casse toi, idiot !


  38. 67
    Mr Potato Head2 says:

    Hollande: I made Julie a nice meal and my sausage went down very well.


  39. 68
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    FH – Now, please raise your hands for ze questions asking.

    {all journos raise hands}

    FH – Bearing in mind I said I am not going to say anything about my private life.

    {all journos lower hands.}


  40. 70
    Fly on the wall says:

    Dave: This Summit was held in a hangar in the middle of a well guarded RAF base miles from anywhere in order to keep Hollande safe from the hordes of now UK based frog businessmen who would like to get their hands round his little scrawny neck.

    I do hope that answers your question.


  41. 71
    (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

    Cameron; And so Mr President, you are seeking even closer ties with the UK?

    Hollande; Mon dieu, do not mention that scandal rag in my presence, do you not know who I am?

    Cameron; Oui monsieur, we know exactly who you are.


  42. 74
    Steve Miliband says:

    Have you seen Nancy? She was here a minute ago


  43. 76
    Rickytshirt says:

    “Non. Fancy a f**k?”


  44. 78
    nell says:

    I have left my little french scooter at home as mr cameron kindly provided me with a car for the day to give me a little more dignity.


  45. 79

    But I don’t need no friends
    As long as I gaze on Waterloo Sunset…


  46. 80
    François Hollande says:

    I hear half of you journalists are either in the box at the Old Bailey at the moment

    or soon will be

    Look at yourselves in the mirror, Under the sun before insulting others


  47. 81
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    I refute that. I have improved the French economy. Those “Dexter” helmets made by French company Motoblouz are flying off the shelves.


  48. 83
    WelshRacer says:

    Hollande “My sex life is like a 2014 Renault F1 engine” goes bang after 1 lap.


  49. 84
    wrinkled weasel says:

    “Is that sauce Hollandaise on your trouser leg, or are you just pleased to see me?”


  50. 87
    Grumpy old man says:

    “Mon brave homme, l’homme ne peut pas améliorer Nature”


  51. 91
    Newsnight says:

    You have an admirer in the UK Mr Hollande

    Is she pretty?

    No and he goes by the name of Ed Milliband.



  52. 95
  53. 100
    An awkward bastard says:

    I notice the Little Emperor flew into London today by plane.

    Whatever happened to his promise to the French Electorate to go everywhere by train to save money?


    • 101
      Ken Clarke says:

      What were his shoes like ?

      Has he bought a new pair especially for this visit ?

      Are they Hush Puppies ?


    • 111
      Tom Catesby says:

      If Hollande had used the euro tunnel, it would have been too tempting to fill it with water.


  54. 109
    Françoise Hollande says:

    Je souhaite que je pourrais penser à quelque chose de drôle à dire. J’ai toujours voulu gagner ce concours.


  55. 110
    Tom Catesby says:

    ‘I weel tell you ze joke Daveed telled to me in zer poob’
    ‘Zo there was thees rat et le ferret in zer poob….’
    Non, mais non, I deedn’t get eet myself, alors!


  56. 114

    ‘Go on Frankie, get your leg over that microphone!’


  57. 115
    Mad Franky Hollande = Ed Miliband without the libido says:

    “My economy is bigger than yours”
    “But size daz nat matteur, eets what Julie says”


  58. 119
    Insectualization says:

    No concord, but we do have a couple of drones.


  59. 121
    Robbie says:

    I agreed with Gordon….Doh!


  60. 123
    Anonymous says:

    Ah ze nu harmed drone. Ve vill design and develop ze systems and ve vill allow vous to azzemble ze bits of ze kits manufactured en France.


  61. 124
    Ethelred the Unsteady says:

    Dave : François, what are you having – a pint or a bint ? Either goes down well.


  62. 125
    Ethelred the Unsteady says:

    Dave ; Damn RAF – I said we were flying in a prize moron, not land him at Brize Norton.


  63. 126

    A little late, but good info :)


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