January 31st, 2014

Caption Contest Deux: Two Ordinary Blokes in a Pub


  1. 1
    Chris says:

    “Pardon M Cameron, I do not understand the phrase ‘Bangs like a belt fed mortar'”


  2. 2
    Mrs Jack Dromey says:

    Cameron: “Buy one get one free!”


  3. 3
    Darth Pooh says:

    An Englishman and a Frenchman walk into a pub. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’


    • 7
      Anonymous says:



    • 37
      Fog in the Channel says:

      An Englishman and a Frenchman walk into a pub. The barman says, “Czy to jakiś żart?”


    • 161
      Cuthbert Twillie says:

      DC: “So I’m working in some bucket-o’-blood saloon with Fran here, and ‘Berlin Angie’– a virago if ever there was one, comes in and starts helping herself to the free lunch– composed of succotash, cream cheese and asparagus– ‘Now you hold on,’ says I, ‘we’ll have none of your shenanigans in here!’, whereupon she dips her paw in that mélange and smears it on my face. Well, at that point, I just had to deck her with a swift right cross…”

      FH: “You say YOU knocked her down, mon vieux? Alors! It was ME who knocked her down!”

      DC: “Ah yes, yes, you’re right, Fran. But I was the one who was stomping her!”


  4. 5
    M Gove says:

    “I vill ‘av a large French whine, s’il vous plait”


  5. 8
    phil zuss says:

    I recommend a pint of Old Bat, a bit like you last misses I guess.


  6. 9
    Spasticus Rex says:

    “…and this place is where I usually leave my daughter….”


  7. 10
    Every f*cker else in the office says:

    Working hard, Prime Minister?


  8. 11
    Scott Lithgow says:

    So David,

    How long have been sleeping with Valérie Trierweiler, I knew there was something…


  9. 12
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Cameron “X bitter, Francois”?

    Le Dwarf. “Probably.”


  10. 13
    Mitch says:

    Looks a barrel of laughs in there..


  11. 14
    Mexican General Dave says:

    I’m in a fix Francois

    My Party is deserting me and they hate the foreigners

    Can we renege on our Treaty commitments?

    FH: We are in no hurry to renegotiate

    Why don’t you just leave the EU?


    • 167
      Mars Attacks! says:

      And take our money with us? You’ll be even more Angela’s bitch.
      Gimp mask, or is that your normal look?

      Here, have you heard this one Franky… the German army march fully armed into Paris. The first frenchman they encounter says…”A table for 250,000 Monsieur?”


  12. 15
    Jimmy says:

    So in you hold a pint of beer in your hand until the press photographers go, and this is customary in England yes?


  13. 16
    Anonymous says:

    Is Dave Saying “Sex on the Beach Francois,” to which he replies, ‘Prime Minister I know we were indiscreet, but come on.’


  14. 17
    WelshRacer says:

    Hollande “I have more chance of pulling an actress than a pint in this pub”


  15. 19
    Ohthisbloodypc says:

    “In France we have political bloggers too. Zey are almost as impertinent. Are you hearing of hors doevres – hors doevres?”


  16. 20
    Confused.com says:

    A horse named Francois walks into a bar.
    “Evenin’” says the barman,
    “why the long deficit in opinion polls?”


  17. 21
    Rickytshirt says:

    “You’ll have to get this round, Dave. I’m brassic.”


  18. 23
    Displaced Brummie says:

    “Et que Ed Miliband, je crois qu’il ne boit pas de la vraie bière? C’est incroyable. Il est un enfant de l’homme.”

    “Oui, Monsieur le Président. Il est un peu un grand enfant”


  19. 24
    octavius tinsworth ace says:

    Voulez-vous se-coucher avec moi ce soir?


  20. 25
    Dave says:

    So tell me Francois, what’s it like being Pope?


  21. 27
    Mornington Crescent says:

    FH: “I’ll ‘ave a large one – just like Julie.”


  22. 28
    Grumpy old man says:

    “…And we will stay here drinking warm, flat beer until you agree to my EU reforms.”
    ” Merde! je suis d’accorde”


  23. 29
    A beermat says:

    Dave: I think it’s your round

    Francois: Non


  24. 30
    UKIP says:

    And this Francois, is Jeremy, the only English barman left in Oxfordshire


  25. 31

    “My shout, Francois. What’ll it be”
    “Mais, non! Le taxpayer francais est dans le chaise”
    “Why? Did you think I intended paying out of my own pocket?”
    “La, la. C’est vrai! Les doubles encore. Et les frites avec le fromage et l’onion. Deux sacs grands, s’il vous plais “


  26. 32
    Entente discordiale says:

    So what eez these porkie sword scratchings?


  27. 33
    cured lefty says:

    tell me Frankie boy how do you manage to hump all those women and still find time to hump france


  28. 34
    Ben says:

    Yes, you can play on the swings, but just make sure you’re in the car when we leave. We will go without you.


  29. 35
    Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

    If I was Tony Bliar, we could have exchanged stories of how we deceived our “first Lady’s” to be with our bit on the side.


  30. 36
    Newsnight says:

    What do the locals drink?

    Home brew vodka I think.

    I’ll have a wine then


  31. 39
    Raving Loon says:

    A leader of a European nation who is widely regarded as a joke is joined by Francois Hollande for a pint.


  32. 40
    Ed Moribund says:

    yes its a traditional British pub. Nigel Farage has a tankard behind the bar.
    Now – two pints of Spitfire Wellington’s Bombadiers Waterloos


  33. 41
    Hmmmmm says:

    Roast Beef and Frog for lunch.


  34. 42
    David Cameron says:

    And could I introduce you to Mr Farage, he’d like a word..


  35. 43
    Pub Landlord says:

    Oi, you. Bullingdon boy. You’re still barred.


  36. 44
    Dave C says:

    Il y a travaille pour tous en Angleterre, Francois. Par example, ici nous avons Jimmy White, maintenant crap avec le cue mais magnifique avec le vin et biere.


  37. 45
    One-term Dave (dragging the Tories to their grave) says:

    “And this, François, is where the public used to come to enjoy themselves, but successive progressive governments like mine were able to tax that little pleasure into oblivion.”

    Gosh, that’s a spiffing caption, eh, what what? And it’s funny because it’s true. Make sure it wins, Guido!

    Toodle pip.


    • 78
      Tony Smooth says:

      My smoking ban really finished them off. But it was Gordon’s beer taxation that started the cheaper to buy a case from Tesco than a pint in a pub flight.


  38. 47
    Franky says:

    Is this the Inn where you drove off and left your children behind Dave?


  39. 48
    Pub Landlord says:

    If you two aren’t going to buy something, you can fuck off.


  40. 49
    Dave says:

    When you rode across Paris on the motorbike Francois, did you have a staff car following behind with all your paperwork?


  41. 50
    Lager Lout says:

    I don’t know who to punch first.


  42. 51
    Arfer Pint says:

    Where did all the customers go? Must be a UKIP hostelry.


  43. 52
    Barman, who will be voting UKIP says:

    You’re barred.


  44. 53
    tomkcook says:

    Here’s where we expect to employ most of the Romanians you’re letting flood in. We used to have Australians to do it, but unfortunately speaking English puts them in too high an income bracket these days.


  45. 54
    Bill Quango MP says:

    We do have a rather stereotypical view of France, I’m afraid. We had ‘Allo ‘Allo, you see.

    I expect its really nothing like you running about ineffectually, making a mess of things, trying to keep your ugly wife from knowing you are Sleeping with your sexy waitresses. Whilst the Germans make demands you cannot meet and the Englishmen just want to leave and go home.


  46. 55
    Francoise Hollande says:

    Now we’ve sorted out the EU treaty, let’s get pissed.


  47. 56

    Dave: A pint of Guinness for me and a pint of Merde for my friend.

    Françoise: What ees zis pint? We ave litres of it en France.


  48. 57
    Bill Smith says:

    ‘So Dave, is this where Nigel drinks as well?


  49. 58
    Jim says:

    “And I say, most people here spend their working day in a pub”


  50. 60
    Caption Contest Deux: Two Ordinary Blokes in a Pub.. says:

    … and some Walter Mitty character who likes to pretend he’s the PM


  51. 61
    Madame Defarge says:

    Dave: Would you like a drink Francois?

    Francois: Bien Sur, Oui

    Dave: Lend us 10 Euros then.


  52. 62
    Francoise Hollande says:

    Tell, me Dave, why has Monsieur Miliband never invited me for a pint?


  53. 64
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    .. And anyway it was jolly funny.. You see the lead character .. Well he was running this cafe.. And making a shambles of it all..And he was desperately trying to keep his affairs with sexy French waitresses secret from his terribly ugly old boot of a harpy wife!
    And the unamused Germans kept making demands he couldn’t meet, and the English just wanted to get out of the place completely..

    And erm… Well…. Ahh… Another pint of Wellington’s ?


  54. 65

    FH: What? The English used to come into places like this and drink?


  55. 66
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    How about a quick w*nk , you never know my princess


  56. 67
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    Dave : when you say ‘we will not negotiate on an EU treaty, I take that as a no in the sense of “we will never surrender to fascism!” Ok?


  57. 68
    Winston says:

    A politician meeting real people in a pub, not PR staged photos


  58. 70
    One up the bum, no harm done says:

    “So your Julie, she a bit of a goer?”

    Bien sur.

    “So your William, he a bit of a gayer?”


  59. 71
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    You know, Francois, I’ve no idea. I’ll ask the barman.
    Excuse me, young man… What the hell is this place?


  60. 73
    Dave '7p Bulldog clip' Drummond says:

    And afterwards, we can put all the empties in the wheelie bin outside the offices of the European Commission’s Anti-Fraud Division!


  61. 74
    Village Idiot says:

    ….”And our barman today is, Tarquin ,who is marrying his long time,gay lover,and local meth dealer,Mr Crisp jnr,on Saturday;hope it stops raining!


  62. 76
    François says:

    David, la sens tu aussi dans ton cul la quenelle!


  63. 77
    Sir William Wayde says:

    Cameron: “What do you mean, ‘when you’ve finished with her’?”


  64. 80
    Sir William Wayde says:

    Hollande: “Ssh! In this pub I’m ‘Monsieur Dupont’.”


  65. 80
    Dave says:

    Can you lend me a tractor Francois?

    The army have run out here


  66. 82

    Dave: Do you fancy the coq?

    Françoise: Mais non, mon coco!


  67. 83
    Jmf says:

    Dave. I’m getting a load of grief about the defence cuts.

    Hollande. I know what you mean, I had to close down two white flag factories.


  68. 84
    She was toast! says:

    If you missed last night’s Question Time, enjoy watching Emily Thornbelly get totally monstered, mullahd, annihilated – however you want to put it, she got destroyed by the audience and Ken Clarke.

    Watch how she visibly panics each time the audience laugh at her.


  69. 85
    Engineer says:

    Ou est le gents? Je need un packet de trois or two.


  70. 86
    Francois Pork-Sword-Hollande says:

    Time for another quick one before lunch?


  71. 87
    Squeeze box says:

    So, it was your country that started crap street music for tourists, accordion to history.


  72. 88
    davemcwish says:

    So what’ll it be, two pints of mild and bitter ?


  73. 89
    Jean E Ologist says:

    The pub actually belongs to a distant cousin of mine, Al Murray.


  74. 90
    Tankboy says:

    Sort of on topic.

    Currently sat in a Wiltshire pub watching the BBC Countryfile team have lunch. 15 beeboids troughing for 2 hours and then just enough time to do a 5 minute interview before the light goes.

    Just asked them if they wanted me to pay their bill then reminded them I was already. Lots of looking down at feet.

    Aunty just put on a few more pounds.


    • 109
      BBC are shit says:

      Well done that man.


    • 136
      Always Look on the Bright Side of Life says:

      At least while they were filling their faces the thieving bastards weren’t fucking anybody’s child. Having said that though, did they have a caravan in the carpark?


  75. 91
    Dave the hopeless says:

    … so the !rish man says, Miliband is apparently out drinking with Balls tonight.

    Get it ?


  76. 92
    Heard it before says:

    ‘So”there was this rat and this ferret in a pub…..’


  77. 94
    DAVE (HS2 towards the exit) CAMERON says:

    Ah thats where i left you mummy has been worried !


  78. 96
    Ark Angel says:

    Well OK, this is the deal,
    We sell you (alright give you) 2 or 3 of these pub thingies, packed full of our latest know how on finance and electrics, like wifi, gala bingo, angry chickens, wonga terminals and stuff,
    and You do us a few of those nukelear subs, aircraft carriers and nukie power whatsits.
    How does that sound.


  79. 99
    DAVE (HS2 towards the exit) CAMERON says:

    I say Francois What
    Would you care for a small stiff one ?

    Who told you about that Tory Boy ?


  80. 100
    Flatcap Army says:

    “Bitter, Francois?”
    “Well, I try to not to be…”


  81. 103
    DAVE (HS2 towards the exit) CAMERON says:

    DC :So it’s a pint for me ,and a half litre for him


  82. 105
    Hollande says:

    Your beer is warm your women are cold and these pork bar snacks have more hair on them than my mistresses armpit.


  83. 107
    Pub banter says:

    DC: Come on Francois, just pull my finger. I give you a cast iron guarantee that it will be worth it.

    FH: Non.

    Barman: Cash or expenses gentlemen ?


  84. 108
    You'll Never Get Rich says:


  85. 111
    The Critic says:

    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    Barman: What can I get you?

    First scientist: I’ll have some H2O

    Second scientist: That sounds good, I’ll have some H20, too

    The second scientist ends up dying.


    • 120
      Françoise Hollande says:

      C’est très drôle. Mais ça ne marche pas en français.

      Ai-je vous dire que j’ai une grosse bite?


      • 128
        The Critic says:

        You have now but only in french. I commend dipping it in high concentrate hydrogen peroxide. That may cure your problem.


  86. 112
    Man in a Pub says:

    What this country needs is amphibious scooters.


  87. 114
    Confused.com says:

    Dave “How do you get out of this place”
    Francois “I am afraid David, you are locked in”


  88. 115
    DAVE (HS2 towards the exit) CAMERON says:

    A pint of bitter please !

    Hand pulled ?

    give us chance we have only just met


  89. 116
    Disco Biscuit says:

    “Half pint, Francois?”


  90. 117
    Piss-poor Comedian says:

    Francois: “Mine’s a large one”

    Dave: “Are you ordering or boasting?”


  91. 121
    Anonymous says:

    Landlord: I thought I told you two thieving bastards, your barred


  92. 122
    Westmonster says:

    ” I’ll have what he’s having.”


  93. 123
    Jimmy says:

    It’s an old British tradition. You hold the glass next to your face until the photographers leave.


  94. 125
    Jimmy says:

    This is unusual, I was expecting a Scotsman and an Irishman.


  95. 126
    Del Boy says:

    Drink up Francoise, we’re not leaving ‘eu know.


  96. 130

    ‘Daveed, I am ze Bullsheeter monself, but I like to ‘ear a professiona at it, zo pliz carry on!’


  97. 134
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Dave: ‘… and then of course there’s Tony and the Murdoch woman.’

    Francois: ‘And Gove and himself.’


  98. 135
    High taxing socialist says:

    Francois “Have you ever pulled in here?”


  99. 138
    Shagged Out says:

    So, you having a beer or another whine?


  100. 140
    Gez says:

    “So hang on, you’re saying in France if I take my empties back to the bar you’d make a citizens arrest on me for doing unpaid work? That’s genius! Hold on I’m giving IDS a call..”


  101. 141
    HPDL says:

    “Scoot over Frankie”


  102. 142
    Blind Pugh says:

    If you’re looking for fresh meat, I have a red-headed friend with whom I could put you in touch!


  103. 144
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Plus ca change eh Francois?


  104. 146
    oioi says:

    Pint and a Babycham please.


  105. 148
    Bert Camus says:

    Marriage pour tous sauf pour moi.

    Je peux naviguer un pédalo.

    Je ne suis pas nul.


  106. 149
    A Duck in Chains says:

    Ma femme elle est disparu aujourd’hui mais peut être c’était hier.


  107. 150
    Alex Dumas says:

    Do you know Dave that in my first two years in office I have managed to double the number of people sleeping on the streets in France.

    This is what happens with Socialists in charge.

    As you know I am a Social Democrat.


  108. 151
    Le Canard qui pique says:

    C’est magnifique mais ce n’es pas la gare.


  109. 152
    Pub Landlord says:

    Dave and Francois “I’d smash yours!”


  110. 154
    Anonymous says:

    So Mr “H” you are interested in escaping a high tax regime…


  111. 158
    Anonymous says:

    “2 pints of Spitfire please”…”just time to catch the train up to Waterloo, quick taxi ride to Trafalgar Sq where we have a meeting of the ‘French Bankers Association – London Branch’ reception held in the National Gallery then a tour of the Impressionist Gallery, followed by dinner in London’s French Quarter, otherwise known as S. Kensington.”

    “How’s Paris doing?”


  112. 162
    altruism in industry says:

    “if he says “bottoms up” again I’m going to smack him”


  113. 164
    Cam the Sham says:

    I should think Julie Gayet will get the French Oscar, old chap. Pretending she enjoys sleeping with an odious little turd like you needs SOME recognition, after all.


  114. 168
    John Moss says:

    “Bonjour, Monsuir President, qu’est que vous voudrez?”

    Said the barman from Paris


  115. 169
    DC to FH says:

    DC: It been very wet and windy out here.
    FH: The weather? I get the wet and windy twice a day in doors


  116. 170
    Wyvern says:

    How do you have your lamb Sir,?
    French 90s style for me, just drag it out the back of the truck roll it around on the tarmac cover it in tyres and set light to it.


  117. 171
    DC to FH says:

    “We get quite a lot bikers in here”.
    “To see their loved ones”.
    “No to have a pint”.


  118. 172
    DC to FH says:

    “Where are you staying tonight”?
    “I do not know”
    “No, I’ll meet few people then decide latter”


  119. 173
    Anonymous says:

    Thank you Francois but I think I’ll have the salmon without your Sauce Hollandaise.


  120. 174
    Boys Will Be Boys says:

    After a few pints, I will phone my old mate “Fishy Fingers” Ross, he can get us a few girls!!!


  121. 176
    Dave'n'Francois says:

    Cameron looking at the menu: Would you like some game”
    FH: “What that?”
    DC: “Birds”
    FH: “Yes, I still chasing the birds”


  122. 177
    Lizzie says:

    Welcome to a traditional English pub M Hollande, shall we have a glass of wine?


  123. 178
    DAVE (HS2 towards the exit) CAMERON says:

    It’s funny , all the pubs up our way are usually full of doleites and wino’s in the afternoon

    Not so in Whitney Eh Dave ?


  124. 179
    Vernon Francis Gallagher Esq. says:

    Shameless Cameron avoids buying a round and arranges drugs deal on Chatsworth Estate


  125. 180
    Rich says:

    Francois, mon ami, I am not going to fall for your “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” approach however successful it might have been for you in the past…


  126. 183
    gra smi says:

    Nick the barman is the bloke to sort out your woman troubles and he can be very helpful with the economy.Fiddles his own VAT.


  127. 184
    Wears the soap? says:

    Has someone been watering the beer again?

    I’ll sway our new lakes for the EU wine lake.


  128. 185
    Keith Dovkants says:

    Call me Dave: So, tension is brewing in the stand off between Russia and Georgia . . .

    Francois Hollande: I intend to announce my nations unconditional surrender, just in case . . .


  129. 186
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron. Avez vous tried ze Hob Goblin Monsieur?
    Hollande. Oui ze mistress est une expert


  130. 187
    Barry says:

    No, no, Francois, when I said a naughty little red I was referring to the wine.


  131. 188
    Alex says:

    Four X, Francois?
    Non, David, just the two so far.


  132. 189
    Nigel Farage says:

    And the Rebate starts from this point!!!


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