January 24th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Twigger Edition)


  1. 1
    Handycock-must-go says:

    Hows it hangin?

  2. 2
    Roy Walker says:

    Prominent Labour politicians photographed in conversation while travelling on the London Underground.

  3. 3
    Bi Curious says:

    Is this the 2015 to Shit St?

  4. 4
    Hugh Jend says:

    I fart in your general direction

  5. 5
    Lord Rennard says:

    Where’s Hancock when you need a friendly face?

  6. 6
    Keith Dovkants says:

    Rachel, I can only handle twenty six stops, if I fall asleep. Please talk to me . . .

  7. 7
    Who the hell are they? says:

    The invisible man standing next to two people on the tube.

    • 55
      Gary Bloke says:

      George Osborne or another minister and one of the Eagle sisters? If only I were more of a political anorak, I’d know.

  8. 8
    Pedant on duty says:

    “If you don’t stop leaning into me I’ll pull the bloody emergency handle.”

  9. 9
    Common Man says:

    Listen Rachael, we can do this the easy way or the LibDem way…

    Let’s nip back to the hotel, you give me a blow job and I’ll get you on the select committee.

  10. 10
    Anonymous says:

    Is that a twig in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me.

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Did you know Ed balls is a useless lying bastard?

  12. 12
    RomaBob.... Beeg Issue, Beeg Issue! says:

    “Want to see my one eyed snake, honey?”

  13. 13
    Rickytshirt says:

    Does my twig look bigger when I sit like this?

  14. 15

    “Well if you do, and I notice, I shall be VERY annoyed!”

  15. 16
    (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

    Rachel, Im not like the Hancocks and Rennards of this world, honest.

  16. 17
    Geoff Motley says:

    I like to see both of your hands, NOW!

  17. 18
    @tobyornot_ says:

    If I uncross mine will you uncross yours?

  18. 19
    (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

    Piss off perv, I’ve got your card marked.

  19. 20
    RomaBob.... Beeg Issue, Beeg Issue! says:

    “A pink nosed puppy, wanna see it?”

  20. 21
    The Darth Pooh says:

    “Turnham Green?”
    “Too bloody right!”

  21. 22
    (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

    Rachel suddenly realises she’s finally going to get some.

  22. 23
  23. 24
    Trinny says:

    (Both) “why does the nutter always sit next to me?”

  24. 25
    RomaBob.... Beeg Issue, Beeg Issue! says:

    “No, I do not swallow!”

  25. 26
    Graham says:

    Have you fallen out with Chris ?

  26. 27
    Anonymous says:

    I think we both get off at Barking.

  27. 28
    Round the Bend says:

    Rachel “regardless of what you think about my voice, I am not a bloke”

  28. 31
    Harry Krishna says:

    Did you know I lost my left arm in the war?

  29. 32
    Carded says:

    Woman molested on tube shows man the yellow card.

  30. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Mind the baps.

  31. 34
    scottishcalvin says:

    A white person in London? I thought we got rid of you lot…

  32. 35
    Bill Quango MP says:

    PLEASE MIND THE GAP – between her ears and also her legs.

  33. 36
    Steve Miliband says:

    High Flying Labour politicians on their way to Davos

  34. 37
    Rachel's caravan says:

    Why do they call you the twilglett?

  35. 38
    Lord Rennard says:

    They’re the disabled seats aren’t they??

  36. 39
    Surr Nob Skelpoff says:

    I’m sorry, I WILL NOT touch you again now I know that you are really Leonard Nimmoy in drag.

  37. 40
    Graham says:

    Chris Bryant and Chris Huhne are both good friends of mine.

  38. 42
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Com’mon. Give us a snog! My career terminates at Bank.

  39. 44
    cep says:

    Gazing into each others lies.

  40. 45
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    Approaching Crossed Legs

  41. 46
    tpfkar says:

    This is what a concrete policy looks like, Rachel

  42. 47
    Boring, snoring Rachel Reevezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:

    RR: “I’m so boring, I’ve been named the best anaesthetist in London”

  43. 48
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Do you fancy a quick Rennard Rachel ?

  44. 49
    Sir Mary Flappes says:

    “…and then you sort of wiggle it about. Try not to get my cuff wet though – and don’t tell him indoors.”

  45. 50
    keith Vag says:

    fancy coming back to mine for a fuck and pizza?

  46. 51
    Trigger says:

    Alright Dave?

  47. 52
    Daily Ref says:

    Listen mate, the Lib Dems are not going to win here.

  48. 53
    Reeves Debt Mountain High says:

    I feel foghorny.

  49. 54
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Yes..of course I’m sure we are on the Metropolitan Elite line..

    See! There’s Polly Toynbee!

  50. 56
    Centre Parting says:

    Stephen, how may times have I told you not to leave the seat up?

  51. 58
    Wee Dougy Carswell says:

    Just chased and caught a shoplifter in Clacton…, – waiting for the media

  52. 59
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    How about a quick wank?

  53. 60
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    My wife doesn’t understand me……

  54. 62
    Bill Quango MP says:

    The Taking of PearlClam 123

  55. 63
    Phil Westlake says:

    “If you think my chat-up lines are sleazy wait till you see the ladies underwear i’m wearing under this suit”.

  56. 64
    Lost in the wilderness says:

    I’ve got Ed’s backbone in this bin liner and I’ll have your balls, Stephen, if you don’t move away.

  57. 65
    Gordon Bumhole says:

    Something smell fishy, I think your Oyster’s gone off!

  58. 66
    Bill Quango MP says:

    ST – So, why do they call you boring?
    RR – Well its becau…

  59. 67
    Mandy's Right Hand Man says:

    DLR, all stops to Prince Albert via Mudchute

  60. 68
    Bi Curious says:

    I hear you have a problem with men falling asleep BEFORE sex.

  61. 69
    Foghorn says:

    This is your final warning. Back off now or this Yellow card will be replaced by the red.

  62. 70
    Anonymous says:

    A tad embarrassing, but no idea who they are anyway.

  63. 71
    Ed (Too Fat must Fast for Flat Waistline) Balls says:

    What is this Liebour genetic trait of thunderthighs – Gordo’s Beard, Rachel Reeves, Caroline Flint etc..

  64. 72
    Twigg says:

    ‘Please give me a chance you never know my Princess xxx’

  65. 73
    JH3928409234893 says:

    I want to do some boring and then snoring with you.

  66. 74
    I win ! says:

    Rachel : Too far, too fast

  67. 75
    MayfairMagFan says:

    Just make sure you let me know when you think I’m violating your personal space.

  68. 76
    cep says:

    As they sat by the doors
    Twiggy tried to stop the snores
    By remembering the cause
    With Rachel giving some applause
    As Steve recounted all his flaws.

    • 81
      Rachel's caravan says:

      Rachel Reeves
      Rolled up her sleeves and went upstairs to bed.
      but a knock at the door.

  69. 78
    Anus says:

    Necrophilia is dead boring….
    Try incest, it’s only relatively boring.

    • 88
      Nick Clegg says:

      My party is so full of sadomasochists necrophiliacs and beastophiles I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse.

  70. 79
    Advisory Notice says:


  71. 80
    Simon says:

    Are you trying to join the Lib Dems Stephen?

  72. 82
    Mr Potato Head says:

    Guy: How do you like your croissants in the morning?

    Rachel: Like Hollande’s; hot, fresh and with a knob of butter.

  73. 83
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    Rachel “It is unfair that the poor have to budget, so we will nationalise food banks, like we did with commercial banks so they can eat all the time”

  74. 84
    Bloke says:

    I used to think I had ADD, but it turned out everyone around me was just really fucking boring.

  75. 85
    Rachel's caravan says:

    Ed Balls? Oh yeah..The blinky bloke? Really?
    How else’s cock have you seen?

    • 124
      Rachel Truth says:

      Correction: Blinky Balls cock has become encompassed by fat. You can’t see it. Its has become inverted.

  76. 87
    Steve Miliband says:

    Labour down the Tubes

  77. 89
    50 Calibre says:

    When you are not speaking, you are quite attractive in a rough sort of way…

  78. 90
    Peter Grimes says:

    Show a bit more thigh, darling, and you might just turn me straight.

  79. 91
    Persona non grata says:

    Just look at it as another step up the career ladder Rachel.

  80. 92
    Steve Miliband says:

    Did you know the Length of network is 249 miles and the Proportion of the network that is in tunnels is 45 per cent?

  81. 93
    Peter Grimes says:

    Stephen: Where do you buy those divine sheer black tights, darling?

  82. 94
    M102 says:

    Give me a chance my Princess. You never know XXXXXXXXXXXX

  83. 95
    Steve Miliband says:

    Long hair doesn’t suit Ed Miliband. Who’s the other bloke?

  84. 96
    Smelly street person with lurcher says:

    That seat free mate?

  85. 97
    keith says:

    no Stephen i don’t fancy travelling to Cockfosters with you

  86. 98
    Gooey Blob says:

    Rachel: I should have asked Ed for a safer seat.

  87. 100
    Bill Quango MP says:

    When this is all over why don’t we set up The Office of Stephen and Rachel and tour the world, 5 star, first class, tax free?

  88. 101
    Mornington Crescent says:

    From Wik1pedia:
    “She cites the influence of her father on herself and her sister supporting the Labour Party, recalling how when she was eight years old he pointed out Neil Kinnock on the television and “told us that was who we voted for”. Reeves says both she and her sister had “both known we were Labour since then”. She joined the Labour Party at age 16.”

    Labour – the party for the brain dead.

    • 162

      It’s got to be a joke though.

      Hasn’t it?

    • 163
      Mitch says:

      Can understand, though. I saw Kinnock and never looked back.

    • 170
      Fish says:

      “He cites the influence of his father on himself and his brother supporting the Labour Party, recalling how when he was eight years old he pointed out Karl Marx on the television and “told us that was who we voted for”. Miliband says both he and his brother had “both known we were Marxist since then”. He joined the Marxist /Labour / Communist Party at age 8 and three quarters. Two years later he is their leader”

  89. 102

    RR: Is that a gun you have in your pocket or are you still up for Portillo?

  90. 103

    I am not telling you where I am going, now go away!

  91. 104

    don’t you miss those quiet moments?

  92. 105
    Nigel Farage doppelganger says:

    Rachel, looked up and realised just in time the man opposite with camra was Guido in disguise.

  93. 106

    when I look into your eyes, I see a squint

  94. 107

    I came into politics to help virgins

  95. 108

    my mother warned me there would be days like this

  96. 109
    Questions of our time says:

    Are you a MILF ?

  97. 110

    where did you buy your cheap suit?

  98. 112

    I am resting my hand on my knee, when you feel comfortable you can move it across

  99. 113
    AnusButtocks says:

    Two parasitic enemies of the working class travel on public transport, for which they will claim expenses


  100. 114

    just so you know this isn’t a speed dating tube!

  101. 115
    Mike Hancock says:

    That’s it son. Nice and easy…

  102. 116

    I only have one bum cheek on this seat, we need a transport review to address this

  103. 117

    I have never helped a single person since getting elected, I don’t know how, no manual provided by whips office

  104. 119

    I am on a diet, all the women in parliament have noticed, even Diane Abbott casually remarked

  105. 120

    pick a number, any number, but pick mine

  106. 121
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    Cassandra Crossing

  107. 122
    Rich says:

    So if I put my hand on my knee I’m ok, but if I put my hand on your knee I’m in troube….

  108. 123

    two fun loving people on the same tube, what are the odds? it’s fate I tell you

  109. 125

    I love a plain looking girl

  110. 126
    £10,000 a week?! says:

    Does Rachel have anything to say about Gordon and Sarah avoiding tax and requiring £10,000 a week expenses?

  111. 127

    who’s expenses are we putting lunch on?

  112. 129
    Jimmy says:

    I must admit that the concept of the Gay Mafia is intriguing. I imagine the phrase “say hello to my little friend” has a somewhat different connotation.

    • 134
      The Gay Mafia says:

      If you don’t pay your protection money, we’ll come round and bitch about your chintz wallpaper/scratch your eyes out/batter you with a handbag.


  113. 131
    retardEd Miliband says:

    That twain cawiage ith not full be-coth people cannot afford the cotht of twain twavel, due to the cotht of living cwy-thith.

  114. 132
    Anonymous says:

    Have I got a broom handle for you

  115. 133

    Both: Is it you who farted?

  116. 135
    Anonymous says:

    Seriously, who are these people? Please will someone enlighten me?

    • 142
      (Rarely) Dangerous Brian says:

      The new intelligensia, I’m not surprised you dont know their names, the lot of them are completely interchangable.
      Up the workers

  117. 137
    Ratbag says:

    Mind if I punch yer ticket, darlin?

  118. 138

    man “I like to travel on quiet trains”.

    woman: “why, feel claustrophobic”?

    man: “No, tube train travel gives me a massive boner”!

  119. 139
    She's Twigg-ed What His Game Is says:

    “No, I won’t go up to your room– but if you want to bring your etchings down to the lobby, I’ll be glad to look at them…”

  120. 140
    Lizzie says:

    If you’re a LibDem then you know what I’m really suggesting ….

  121. 143

    RR: So where are you taking me to tonight, Steve?
    ST: It’s a toss up between One Man Two Guvnors and From Here To Eternity.

  122. 146
    FFS says:

    “I say Rachel, do you know the best way to Picadilly?”

    “No, but if you get any closer you’ll be getting off at Cockfosters”

  123. 147
    dive master says:

    Hello sweetie I’m a BBC personality

  124. 148

    need any help with spreadsheets?

  125. 151
    Stick Thin says:

    (ST) ‘Whats in the bag Rachel?’…… (RR) ‘Ed Milliband’s personality. I’ve just recovered it from lost property.’

  126. 152

    I am a fun loving guy, look I never polished my shoes this morning

  127. 153
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    doing business luv?

  128. 154

    RR: Thanks for your support. It’s lovely and comfortable.

  129. 155
    Anonymous says:

    Who are you again?

  130. 156
    Ben Woodward says:

    ‘Close you’re eyes and think of Ed’

  131. 158
    SEAN says:


  132. 159
    Swivelly says:

    Cant understand a word your saying.

  133. 161
    Rickytshirt says:

    Twigg gets wood.

  134. 165
    Twigg says:

    We had an office bet Rachel. That we could persuade Ed to wear bleached jeans in a bid to improve his ratings with the under 20s.

  135. 166
    cep says:

    Piccadilly palare….

  136. 168
    Twiggy the model ( but not that one ) says:

    So, when I said that I didn’t have the time for the photoshoot, they then asked David Beckham to do the SuperBowl ad.

  137. 169
    A bit on the side says:

    ST: I’ve just been bored so I have to sit like this.
    RR: Well, if you don’t remove your left arm you’ll be counter-sunk!

  138. 171
    Moderated by the Guardian for saying what a bunch of Cunts. says:

    Gottle of geer, Gottle of geer!

  139. 172
    Lord Rennard says:

    Invasion of personal space is now a hanging offence.

  140. 173

    RR: Do you often come on the train with Luciana?
    I can see you have with me.

  141. 174
    Wachel Weeves says says:

    And yes, Carney lied through his teeth about interest rates.

  142. 175
    Anonymous says:

    Who are these people?

  143. 177
    Fish says:

    Can I ask Rachel, do you have a Brazilian? It’s just that it can be a bit dangerous on the Tube…there are armed police at the next stop.

  144. 180
    Red Riding Hood says:

    My, what big feet you have!

  145. 181
    dai fecating says:

    if i said you had a beautiful body
    would you claim sexual harrasment?

  146. 182
    Bemused says:

    Twiglet “Ere, are you pregnant? (hic)”

    RR: “No, I most certainly am not!”

    Twiglet: “(hic) Well, do you want to be? (hic)”

  147. 183
    Lord Randy Mandy of Everywhere says:

    “Never mind Rennard darling, Twiggy is on the prowl”

  148. 184
    Anonymous says:


    I didnt know you had it in you!!

  149. 185
    Must get a pseudonym one day says:

    And then the metaphorical train goes thundering into the dark tunnel………

  150. 186
    McAdder says:

    Rachel: Do you want me to bore the pants off you?
    Stephen: Yes please but be gentle.

  151. 187
    Bob says:

    Man : Hi, I’m a Liberal Democrat. Would you like to continue this conversation in my bedroom?

  152. 189
    EC1 PhD says:

    “Ed bet me a tenner I could turn you”

  153. 190
    DLT says:

    fancy a double header?

  154. 191
    madasafish says:

    I’m not just any MP, I’m a LibDem MP…

  155. 192
    George Street says:

    Ever been up Portillo, love?

  156. 193
    Spar gangle says:

    Ello my dear! I work for the BBC wanna see your?? soz some puppy’s? !

  157. 197
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    ST: Can I smell your cnut

    RR: Certainly not

    ST: Must be your feet then.

  158. 198
    EyeSee says:

    ‘Has anyone ever told you, your handbag looks like a bin liner?’

  159. 200
    Oscar Pisstorius says:

    Rodney: Why do they call her Trigger? Does she carry a gun?
    Del Boy: No, she looks like an ‘orse!

  160. 201
    Down the Tube says:

    Steve twigs there’s more to Rachel than meets the eye

  161. 202
    Scottish Chav says:

    as a fully trained body language consultant who understands the intricacies and subtle nuances of human to human non verbal communication … I would interpret the above as …
    “how about a sh@g?”

  162. 208

    RR: What’s all this butsex I keep reading about on Guido?
    ST: It’s where you have to pay. They say OK but…
    RR: Funny. I thought it was the sort of stuff you like to do.
    ST: No. That has two Ts.
    RR: And one sugar?
    ST: Now you’re talking… Shall we get off next stop?
    RR: You can get off right now, thank you!
    ST: Oops! I just have.

  163. 210
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Is this the direct train to Davos?

  164. 211
    Nemesis says:

    I think I’ve sat on your hand but don’t worry I’m not moving.

  165. 212

    RR: Will you be the father of my baby?
    ST: I didn’t know you had a baby.

  166. 213
    Peter Grimes says:

    RR – Spinster of this Parish -”Actually Stephen I would much rather have one of the things that Chris Davies MEP is holding elsewhere!”

  167. 217
    Ah! say says:

    ” It is true what they say about the size of a man’s feet?”

    ” Uncross your legs and we’ll see “

  168. 218
    Robbie says:

    I suppose a hi ho Silver is out of the question?

  169. 219
    Westminster's Gay Mafia says:

    Davos or Swiss Cottage?
    I’ve heard it’s a bit of both.

  170. 220
    Lord Kinnochio says:

    RR – Do you play chess ?
    ST – Oh yes my favourite move is the queen’s gambit! ….I play all the time!

  171. 221
    David Soutter says:

    Hello little girl I am Dave a LibDem activist !

  172. 222
    DLT says:

    Hello, I’m a retired DJ and I believe you may be smuggling cash, may I check inside your knickers please ?

  173. 223
    Usual Friday night vulgarity says:

    “Your finger?… Thank god for that! I thought I’d got haemorrhoids..”

  174. 224
    Rob says:

    I’d love to fuck her.

  175. 225
    Labour Loather says:

    Fuck her I’d rather fuck off!

  176. 226
    geordieboy says:

    Did you watch that telly program the 7.29? We could re – enact that providing your boyfriend isn’t an athelete.

  177. 226
    geordieboy says:

    Did you watch that telly program the 7.29? We could re – enact that providing your boyfriend isn’t an athelete.

Seen Elsewhere

Cocaine Conservatives | Standard
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Why Britain Needs to Leave the EU | Douglas Carswell
Literally No One is Watching London Live | MediaGuido
Who Tells Ed When He’s Wrong? | Speccie
Hands Off Our Cojones, Mr Clegg | Laura Perrins
London Live Averaging Just 2,400 Viewers | Forbes
Ed’s Constitutional Failure | ConHome
UKIP Poster Girl’s Naked Photos | Sun
Miliband’s Radical Old Labour Agenda | Fraser Nelson
Meet Team Miliband | Dan Hodges

Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

A confused Nick Griffin says Nigel Farage is a shill for the City, forgetting that City banks want to stay in the EU:

“Farage is a snake oil salesman, but a very good one. His supposed anti-immigration stance is all smoke and mirrors, as is his carefully cultivated image as a ‘man of the people’. The truth is that UKIP is a pro-immigration party that exists to lobby for the interests of the City of London.”

Nick Clegg says:

Do you want lies with that?

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