January 22nd, 2014

Misery Index: January Blues

The good news, as someone once said, keeps on coming with unemployment falling from 7.4% to 7.1% today. That hasn’t stopped the January blues leaving us all a little bit sadder than we were before Christmas however. There has been a small increase in Retail Price Index inflation, though the real downer has been the rise in the Public Sector Net Cash Requirement. There is not yet a measure available to determine how party poopers doing dry January have affected results.

N.B. stats bods can check Guido’s adding up here.


  1. 1
    For Lesbian Porn? says:

  2. 2
    Lady T says:

    Just rejoice at Ed Balls face.

  3. 3
    retardEd Miliband says:

    I am mitherable becauth my chanceth of becoming Pwime Minithter get leth and leth with evewy pathing day.

  4. 4
    Chavy Charlie says:

    Nah they were looking for dead kids mobiles.

  5. 5
    English for Beginners says:

    “Rebekah Brooks’s newborn daughter”

  6. 6

    There is a different version of this which includes the nipple count.

    Much more reliable, I find.

    One can tell when things are picking up.

  7. 7
    Handycœck says:


  8. 8
    M­a­­q­bo­­ul says:

    No, both are correct.

  9. 9
    Apostrophe Plod says:

    No. Brooks’ is correct

  10. 10

    Why do I sense impending police cock-up?

  11. 11
    Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

    That is on top of you stabbing your brother in the back!

  12. 12
    Actually says:

    If we class employment as someone in a full time occupation, making a net contribution to the revenue of the nation, unemployment is around 45%.

    No, really.

  13. 13
  14. 14
    Keystone Cops says:

  15. 15
    Cock ^ says:

    No, both are correct. Continually the same thing won’t make it right, that’s what children (and Labour voters) do.

  16. 16
    moderate me would you? says:

    it’s more like 85% in Scotland.

  17. 17
    moderate me would you? says:

    Was it the rucksack full of drugs?

  18. 18
    Spot the Dog Hanging Out with Dirty Balls says:


  19. 19
    Jesus who is pulling their weight in this bloody country? says:

    If they are making a net contribution but are in public employment you can add them to the list.

  20. 20
    Ed Moribund says:

    I forgot about that

  21. 21
    Ed Balls says:

    I’m miserable all the time not just in January.

  22. 22
    Great British Public says:

    We were miserable throughout most of The Reign of Terror 1997-2010 when you were Gordon the Moron’s Groom of the Stool.

  23. 23
    Wurzel William says:

    I am thinking of launching a clear 10% Cider named


  24. 24
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Get a policy then. Stop moping about and have an idea. A real one

    We told you when you became shadow chancellor that it was best to do all your homework at the start of your non-governing holiday and then you’d be free to play all the time until the next election.

    And you sat down with yours and little Ed’s blank piece of paper with the best of intentions.

    But you saw Polly and Owen skipping through the riots and thought .. this is going to be easy. We don’t NEED to get any policies! We’ll just rewrite what we did last time and copy some bits off the French internet.

    But now the long summer is coming to an end. And that piece of paper is still blank.

    Time is running out Ed.
    If you don’t hurry and come up with something sensible you’ll be fishing those balled up pieces of scrap paper out the bin. The ones with all those rubbish and half baked ideas scrawled on them.

    Predators and Producers
    cost of living crisis
    green energy taxes to reduce the cost of energy bills??
    too far – too fast – flat lining- triple dip- cost of crisis-crisis
    Plan B [ then plan C,D,E,F until election}

    And desperately trying to glue them into a scrap book to make a coherent case for office. -

  25. 25
    moderate me would you? says:

    In that case 95% unemployed in Scotland.

  26. 26
    Any LibDem says:

    You don’t know the half of it.

  27. 27
    Kiev is burning says:

    That is what we have been telling you for ages.

  28. 28
    Guiness says:

    We are going to do a Benefits Street super strength Black D.

  29. 29
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I like this new idea. A whole chavvy markey for crap and cheap things?

    A new exercise bike called the Twin Tum. Has a sandwich maker and a microwave fitted as standard.

    Special leather reinforced inside leg padding. Stops that swish’swish nylon sound as your fat thighs rub together as you waddle. And can market as a safety feature.. Won’t burst into friction sparked flames.

    Maybe some sort of hand held industrial fan for those hot days and sweaty pits?

    Please forward any ideas to
    William Quango PR. Working to make your ideas a cash reality.

  30. 30
    Pissed off says:

    What’s making me miserable is that my local council has been ‘advised’ by the Planning inspectorate to find spare land for Travellers sites and house building.
    I can support building houses for local need but I suspect that is not what they are getting at.
    So far my little part of the world has dodged the immigration bullet,not for much longer it would seem.
    What have the Green party got to say about all this proposed development for the countryside?

  31. 31
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Sorry Worzell.. just heard. jgm2’s PR co has already signed her up as the face of Aldi and Wonga.

  32. 32
    Bemused says:

    No, you should only add 3/4 of them to the list. Some public servants do work.

    I base it on the BBC metric – 4 x the cost of the private sector ITV but the same output.

  33. 33
    50p Man says:

    I’m selling 50p lager, but it is like piss water.

  34. 34
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    A real question for PMQs – that perhaps should be asked each and every time before the 2015 GE is:

    How did the Prime Minister justify his salary this week ?

  35. 35
    The Greens says:

    We care more about Marxism than green issues so pay up you bourgeois, landowning, class oppressor of the hardworking traveler indigenous peoples of Britain.

  36. 36
    The Romanians says:

    Can someone give us Mr Vaz’s phone number?

  37. 37
    Bemused says:

    Don’t forget the foodbanks!

    ….everybody else has.

  38. 38
    Dave Cummerbund says:

    I pointed to the leader of the opposition and his shadow chancellor and said “That’s the alternative folks. Dumb and Dumber! So you’ll have to make do with me.”

  39. 39
    Clear Blue Water says:

    Indeed as the level of tax credit, child tax credit, housing benefit, child allowance etc… actually masks that most new jobs are in fact not viable to pay a person the level needed to live without state hand outs taken from those who do make a net contribution. All three parties have interfered with market forces to the extent that they are now trapped in trying to maintain this ponzie. Mass immigration has made it worse (of the 5 Poles that work here 4 get tax credits and child tax credits they also get help with their rent, it allows this company to keep the wages for warehouse staff to the minimum for the last 6 years). We need a smaller more productive working population not a large no skill one which is what we’ve got. Too late now to pull back just watch the benefits bill go up as unemployment falls! Just had our first Roma door knockers looking for work! More coming they said!

  40. 40
    Herman Van Morrison says:

    Please join the EU, Ukraine.
    We need you to flood into Britain.

  41. 41
    moderate me would you? says:

    Cameron need only reply ‘Keeping the member for Kirkcaldy away from everybodies money’.

  42. 42
    Fungi says:

    Fuck you Wurzel. If it’s not fucking stolen then it’s no fucking good.

  43. 43
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    Doesn’t wash with UKIP about.

    So one repeats: How did the Prime Minister justify his salary this week ?

  44. 44
    Clear Blue Water says:

    To be honest Dave, Ed and Ed are really choice between the sycophantic, phlegmatic and pusillanimous. Make your choice they’ll all piss your cash away and suck up to the EU

  45. 45
    Anon says:


    “Although names ending in s or an s sound are not required to have the second s added in possessive form, it is preferred.

    Mr. Jones’s golf clubs
    Texas’s weather
    Ms. Straus’s daughter
    Jose Sanchez’s artwork
    Dr. Hastings’s appointment (name is Hastings)
    Mrs. Lees’s books (name is Lees)


  46. 46
    Herman Van Morrison says:

    A bigger problem is that as wages rise, so those jobs look ever MORE attractive to the Eastern Europeans who stayed at home.

    Even the most nervous Pole might be tempted to come to Britain when Osborne introduces his £7ph min wage.
    In Warsaw that will be advertised as

    ” warehouse picker job. No skills necessary.- £7p/h – or polish equivalent of £75,000 a year.

  47. 47
    Cabbage says:

    Well I’m firkin miserable as just had a big tax bill in ( which I don;t have and in addition to the even more massive amount of tax I’ve already paid).

  48. 48
    Anonymous says:

    If unemployment has gone down. Then presumably the total benefits bill has gone down ?

    God forbid unemployment goes down and the benefits bill rises…

    Where are the numbers to show the benefits cost going down…… ?

  49. 49
    A pensioner without a pension. says:

    i would vote for that. Quite seriously. If he promised to deport mcGoon he’d have my vote for life.

  50. 50
    Dimmy Dave's Doubled the Debt says:

    That one doesn’t wash too well, either.

  51. 51
    Lord Rennard says:

    Ok, Ok, I’ll apologise!

    I’m sorry, sugartits.

  52. 52
    Uggglleeeeeee says:

    Surely with all the gorgeous Sexy birds over there, any normal Polish man, when seeing a picture of white Dee, the typical British woman, would stay where they are.

  53. 53
    Mr Soon-to-be Very Happy says:

    Well I’m not miserable because I’ve had a huge dump brewing for the last hour and in a moment I’ll be the last person in the office, which means I can go to the crapper and let rip with a noisy gutbuster of a dump without any fear of embarrassment.

    And get paid to do it, too.

  54. 54
    Owen Jones says:

    I would have more respect for you if you had been sat on your arse smoking fags this last financial year.

  55. 55
    Gordno says:

    Come on Andy.

    Who is Danny Boy? I might have to support someone else if it turns out they’re not Scottish.

  56. 56
    Tin foil top hat says:

    These are ONS figure right? you have to a be a mong to believe them.

    Wise up and Vote UKIP.

  57. 57
    Gene Hunt, Clegg's new role model says:

    Ok, that’s better. Now get your skirt on, we’ve got work to do.

  58. 58
    RomaBob.... Beeg Issue, Beeg Issue! says:

    FFS, next you will be asking to have your pink nosed puppy stroked!

  59. 59
    Nick Clegg says:

    Seriously though please apologise,people are starting to suspect I’m just a flaccid cock.

  60. 60
    Dave, call me Prime Minister if it helps says:

    Jobs ? Anyone say jobs ? Got lots – but not for the locals.

  61. 61
    Carter Fuck-up says:

    US Feigns “Horror” Over Cooked-Up Report on Syrian War They Engineered


    Update: Further details have emerged regarding the authors of the report. It was produced by British law firm Carter-Ruck on behalf of Qatar who funded it (CNN). Carter-Ruck had in the past defended Saudis suspected of funding Al Qaeda.

  62. 62
    Looking at the national debt growing like cancer says:

    Who’s money are we talking about ?

  63. 63
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    That fucked up moron O’bama can seriously go fuck himself sideways.

    The people will not be distracted by a re-run of bullshit from last year sponsored by A’IPAC fucktards whilst Obamacare is still screwed up.

    Dave could be the first Prime Minister in history to have two attempts to go to war nipped in the bud, and if he decides to go it alone, one hopes that someone does the honorable thing.

  64. 64
    I don't think Ed will be keen says:

    Arm the middle class socialists who are pushing for intervention and air drop them into Syria.

  65. 65

    Is Mr Speaker a short seller?

  66. 66
    Actually says:

    Though a lot are necessary in a civilised society, not one single public servant makes a net contribution to the public purse. 100% of their wages and employment taxes are paid for by real money from real jobs.

  67. 67
    There's billions of jobs out there. We.sh1t.you.not says:

    We live in a state where even the official population figure is in all probability a lie. So why should we believe these figures?

  68. 68
    Lord Rennard says:

    According to the OWS (office of women’s statistics) busts are going to get bigger in future.

  69. 69
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    Not as short as Jeremy Hunt ;-)

  70. 70
    You want misery, here's fucking misery... says:

    World’s 85 richest people have as much as poorest 3.5 billion: Oxfam warns Davos of ‘pernicious impact’ of the widening wealth gap


    The tiny elite of multibillionaires, who could fit into a double-decker bus, have piled up fortunes equivalent to the wealth of the world’s poorest 3.5bn people, according to a new analysis by Oxfam. The charity condemned the “pernicious” impact of the steadily growing gap between a small group of the super-rich and hundreds of millions of their fellow citizens, arguing it could trigger social unrest.

  71. 71
    Anonymous says:

    Not just middle class socialists. It’s a toxic combo of neo-cons, neo-libs & ji@dists pushing this. Lots of vested interests just itching to get the west involved.

  72. 72


    Perhaps I should have asked if Mr Speaker should be held in a short cellar?

  73. 73
    Cabbage says:

    The common factor being that my ludicrous amount of tax & your bodily waste will no doubt both end up being flushed down the pan…

  74. 74

    Many of the world’s rich give away their fortunes to benefit the poorest few billion.

    If they weren’t rich in the first place, how the hell would they do that?

  75. 75
    Owen Jones - people's poet. says:

    I’m not really gay.

  76. 76

    What if the name were Hastingsss then?

  77. 77
    Now thingsare really going to hot up! says:

    UK loses challenge to ‘unlawful’ EU powers to ban short-selling


    “City of London under threat after Britain loses court challenge to EU powers to ban short-selling”

    Could Farage just have been The City’s stalking horse all along?

  78. 78
    Anonymous says:


    Don’t refer to an American web site as an authority on English grammar.

  79. 79
    Chuka Umunna says:

    I am, but don’t tell anyone!

  80. 80
    Sir William Wayde says:

    Misery Index 12.47 = Happiness Index 87.53

  81. 81

    How did the Deputy Prime Minister justify his salary, his job or his honour this week?

  82. 82
    Umbrella_Spike says:

    Don’t the figures go back any further than 2010? We’ve not been miserable for long enough.

  83. 83
    OXFAM is a lefty front organisation says:

    ‘Trigger social unrest’ Is that a prediction or a socialist wet dream.

  84. 84
    Anonymous says:

    But ITV is totally crap – and funded by you every time you buy something advertised. I can’t remember the last time I watched anything on ITV yet I am paying for it. (Please no-one shout about the BBC licence fee.)

  85. 85
    Ah! Happiness Index says:

    A British woman who smuggled 1.4kg (3lb) of crystal methamphetamine into Indonesia has been sentenced to 14 years in prison.

    Former PCSO Andrea Waldeck, 43, from Gloucestershire, was found guilty of smuggling and also fined £100,000.

  86. 86

    That happiness figure appears massaged.

    There is never 100% left after the politicians have got their hands on it.

  87. 87
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Not feeling gay, Owen?

    Demonisation of the benefits class getting you down?

  88. 88
    Tin foil top hat says:

    Yeah. He’s been in hiding for twenty years since leaving the conservatives just for this eventuality.

    Nothing to do with the grass roots movement of everyone opposing vile progressives, hideous oppression dressed up as equality, or dictatorship of liberal ideology via controlling what people can think/ express through political correctness?

    Vote UKIP. Join the “peasant” insurrection against the Liberal “elite”.

  89. 89
    Stating the obvious says:

    UKIP is never going to form a believable government at Westminster if they were the only party standing for election. They are simply a party of protest with two actual policies….1)Come out of Europe 2)Stop Immigration from Eastern Europe.

    Their zenith will be in May’s elections for European Parliament and that is mainly because those voting for them hate Cameron and Europe in equal measure

  90. 90
    BBC Red Bottom says:

    Is she a grandmother? If so she must be set free and rehabilitated at once at taxpayer’s expense.

  91. 91
    Ah! Simps says:

    Ignore ‘em

  92. 92
    Anonymous says:

    How much does the Chief Executive of Oxfam get paid?

  93. 93
    Tin foil top hat says:

    Well maybe Socialist Labour shouldn’t have instigated the literal GIVING of money to banks in exchange for their gilts in the form of QE.

    Then maybe this would not have resulted in the banks and financial institutions dumping all this money into stocks and share thereby creating this wealth gap?

  94. 94
    Uncle Bulgaria says:

    Cameron, Europe and LABOUR in equal measure.

  95. 95
    Mike Hancock's half hour says:

    ” I shall defend myself with the panty shield of truth and my glistening pork sword of justice.”

  96. 96
    Sir William Wayde says:

    85 people in the entire world being enormously rich isn’t going to cause trouble. Problems arise when there is a large, visible ruling class who rely on privilege and various economic or legal ‘fixes’ to keep the masses down.

  97. 97
    Tin foil top hat says:

    neo-cons & neo-libs are socialists. How the f*ck they managed to get away with describing that barely disguised Leninism as “conservatism” is beyond me. What exactly is “conservative” about bombing a bunch of muzzies to enforce a liberal government?

  98. 98
    Sky news copter says:

    Fight breaks out at ‘peace’ conference.

  99. 99
    AH! FFS says:

    Where do they think the billionaires invest their money?

    Best returns are in developing economies. It’s not under the bed or burried FFS it’s working

  100. 100
    Owen Jones' Mum says:

    Cheer up, Owsie, in three days’ time Splash! will be on again, that’s something to look forward to isn’t it dearie?

  101. 101
    Mark Wouters says:

    Sovietsalami63 Here ,
    To all Russians ,the Americans are the Worlds only REAL TERRORISTS and Letting them into Russia is a Grave Mistake ,helping them to kill innocent People including muslims is aiding the USAs strategy of world dominatin by force,im no yank worshiper and each and every Russian should also be Yank non Worshipers,the world must stand together and then attack the united states and wipe them from the face of the earth,for GOOD!.

  102. 102
    Tin foil top hat says:

    A recent study has found the 100% of serial killers drank water at some point in their life. The government has announced this proves that all people who drink water are serial killers in waiting.

    The Government will now tax water at £5000 per gallon and will enforce strict controls on peoples movements.

  103. 103
    AH! FFS says:

    One things certain, they don’t take it with them. But have it for an infitestimately short time in the scheme of things.

  104. 104
    AH! FFS says:

    OXFAM invest 9% ( so THEY say ) of your donations to generate wealth!!

  105. 105
    JJB Sports says:

    We can still sell footie shirts, though?

  106. 106
    Ah! Happiness Index says:

    Moors Murderer Ian Brady Breaks Bones
    The child killer needs medical treatment after an incident at the psychiatric unit where he has been held for nearly 30 years.

  107. 107
    Ah! Happiness Index says:

    Who will replace Ken Barlow in The Street. ( If all goes well? )

  108. 108
    Psychiatrist says:

    Your medication can take up to 4 weeks before any improvement. Please be patient, patient.

  109. 109
    moderate me would you? says:

    ‘They are simply a party of protest’

    Nothing wrong with that. That’s where the S&P started from and look at them now.

    True it will be difficult for UKIP to maintain their momentum from this summer (assuming they get any momentum) and it certainly won’t be helped by the BBC helpfully highlighting the mad ramblings of any UKIP parish councillor they can find as if it were settled party doctrine but then you just can never tell where an explosive LibDem, Tory or Labour story is going to come from either. I bet there’s a few Labour old hands, ohhh… say peers maybe… shitting bricks in case any…errr…over-enthusiastic groping of young laydees from …ooooh…say the last couple of decades were to come to light in the same way the LibDems are having to cope.

  110. 110
    moderate me would you? says:

    In their pension funds.

  111. 111
    Dr Terrific says:

    Try him on the green pills Psychiatrist. You know the ones I mean? In the steel tube with the red stripe.

    Oh.. and write DNR on his forehead in lipstick first.

  112. 112
    Gordon MacBreath says:

    I ended busts

  113. 113
    Village Idiot says:

    …..I am not sure that “Real Money” exists anymore!…….No gold,phantom dollar,out of my depth now!!

  114. 114
    Village Idiot says:

    ….While not miserable during the reign of terror,1997-2010,i was extremely angry and sad to say goodbye to the country I knew and loved,to see it replaced to what we have today!!…Labour are unforgivable and I detest them!

  115. 115
    Think, nobhead says:

    If you don’t want it, you won’t go to prison for regusing to pay for it though.

    Plus it is not the media wing of the Labour party.

    Big difference.

Seen Elsewhere

The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
UKIP on 23% With Survation | Mirror
UKIP Could Deal With Dave | Douglas Carswell
Tories Would Lower Benefit Cap | Telegraph
Bashir Twitter Meltdown | Mirror
Bashir is a Wrong’un | Norman Tebbit
Natalie Bennett Says it Should Not be a Crime to Belong to ISIS | Indy
LibDems Fifth in London | Standard
45 Mirror Group Stories Linked to Phone-Hacking | Press Gazette
Dave’s Diet | Speccie
Pink’O’Flynn | HuffPo

Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”

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