January 17th, 2014

SKETCH: Ed – I Am A Leader, Just Watch

So we move further into the new phase of Miliband’s leadership – the phase of I Am A Leader, Just Watch.

He launched the new product to widespread mockery at PMQs this week with his sadder-but-wiser quiet voice.

Today, he turned up the volume.

“Friends,” he began. And two-thirds of his TV audience left the room. Even his allies don’t count him a friend.

Too remote. Too odd. Too made up.

Not to say that he hasn’t improved over the last year. Transcending the plasticine, stop-frame caricature he has achieved human form. A powerful, single-minded, self-possessed four-year-old. No longer Gromit, he’s Max in Where the Wild Things Are.

Dressed in a wild wolf onesie he points at the roaring, gnashing capitalists who flash their teeth and claws at him while realizing they are better than that and that hardworking people deserve more and they are tamed by the power of love, friends, and carry worried mums and dads around on their backs, playfully.

You don’t think that’s a proper manifesto? It’s better than Michael Foot’s.

The Miliband manner: Mouth more under control, still some writhing at the edges, some wind tunnel effects when excited. But no drooling at all, not even foam. The fingers flash about but come to rest decorously, steepled. He had learnt his words and practised his moves, but he can’t be said to be inhabited with them, as leaders properly are. It’s all a bit put together.

The matter: Risible as ever, but with a harsh undertone in the observers’ laughter. So, not as genially comic as Predistribution or Predators vs Producers.

The big idea is two more banks.

Two! More! Banks!

Three things.

If Gordon Brown hadn’t pushed HBOS and Lloyds together, and if Labour’s pet bank the Co-op hadn’t been chaired by a raving drug fiend there would even now be Two! More! Banks!

Second: He wants to dismantle big commercial entities into smaller, more competitive units. But this is what capitalism does as a matter of course. It is the business model for private equity, short-sellers, asset-strippers, hostile take-over pros. Miliband is putting himself up as a predator. What a noodle he is. Mind you, he knocked a billion off the banks’ cap just by talking about them so he’s not entirely without teeth.

Third: He said that lending to small business is woefully inadequate. It may or may not be. We do know, however, that a proximate cause of the sub-prime mortgage market was politicians demanding lenders make loans to bad credit risks.

Responsible capitalism via irresponsible capitalism. Only Ed Miliband.


105 Comments

  1. 1
    Ed the next great thing says:

    Send me your books

  2. 2
    jgm2 says:

    Good point about Two! More! Banks!

  3. 3
    civil engineering plant says:

    Welease Woger….

  4. 4

    Thank you Ed Miliband!

    I have bought today those bank shares which I sold last week and actually have enough left over to buy a new car.

    Can see how you are on the side of business.

  5. 5
    The British media are cunts says:

    And yet still Cameron can’t beat this tosser. So it shows how useless the Tories are.

  6. 6
    Wankers and bankers don't mix says:

    Blair and Browns ‘Masters of the Universe’ made Thatchers ‘Gordon Gecko’ look ethical.

  7. 7
    Ed the next great thing says:

    I listen to my wife, I listen to my phone, i listen to my Dad, bless him, i listen to my work colleagues, i listen to the radio, i listen to my travel companions, i listen to those I meet in the Labour Party, I listen to my teachers, I listen to the authors speak from their books,

    I PLEDGE to listen to you

  8. 8
    Ditch the cameroons or face destruction says:

    Cameron could fall into a bucket of tits and still come out sucking his thumb.

  9. 9
    The most amusing claim ever says:

    Well he couldn’t beat Brown the most unpopular PM in recent times

  10. 10
    Ed says:

    Help me, David, pleathe pleathe help!

  11. 11
    Ed Milliband voted for war in Iraq says:

    I listen to the water being dripped on peoples faces in Abu Grave prison

  12. 12
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte. says:

    The problem is you listened to your old man,commie twat plus Hobsbawn and Benn no the he is fucked up.

  13. 13
    jgm2 says:

    Recent times? Do you mean there was a more unpopular PM in British history?

    Surely Brown was not only the most incompetent but the most unpopular PM of all time?

  14. 14
    Displaced Brummie says:

    Thank God for the wise words of Simon Carr.

  15. 15
    edmultimilllibanks says:

    two banks good – four banks better

  16. 16
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    For fucks sake, what is it with the mod.

  17. 17
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Ed Miliband should be locked away in a padded cell.

  18. 18
    Barry Norman says:

    I like historical drama’s but would like to see something based on more recent events.
    ’12 years a travellers slave’ perhaps.

  19. 19
    Boing! says:

    The rubberised mong would just bounce off the walls

  20. 20
    Gelion says:

    £10 minimum wage. Wealth distribution due to Tory austerity measures is now the worst since Victorian times.

    On a few weeks ago Sports Direct gave their Directors and top managers big bonuses whilst a lot of their staff work on 0 hour contracts.

    Make it a legal requirement that all British companies have shop floor workers on remuneration boards – it works in Germany, a much fairer wealth distributed country.

  21. 21
    Lousy Huhne and that was before he went inside says:

    Constance Briscoe said she had spoken to journalist David Dillon about several potential stories, including claims that economist Vicky Pryce broke off her engagement to Huhne after he apparently confessed he had had liaisons or relationships with other men

    a story he was pursuing over claims that Huhne had infected Pryce with pubic lice.

    http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/mail-sunday-probed-claims-chris-huhne-had-liaisons-men-and-infected-vicky-pryce-crabs-court-told

  22. 22
    The UNITE Thugs says:

    So we can burn them

  23. 23
    Arthur says:

    Yes – on the side of nasty hedge funds who short bank stocks by the looks of things

  24. 24
    George Smith says:

    Universal Credit will be delivered on time and on budget.

  25. 25
    Continental Crabs says:

  26. 26
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    let’s see if we can get him to talk about irresponsible giant non taxpaying companies next week. See if we can get the Amazon and Vodafone shares down a few points and pick them up nice and cheap.

    And the following week I’m sure we can get him say Royal Mail will be nationalised and make Vince cable’s £3.50 price point look optimistic.

  27. 27
    RomaBob.... Beeg Issue, Beeg Issue! says:

    The Beeg Issue…..please :)

  28. 28
    The Indian Ocean Water Board says:

    Not just there. Ask your brother David. He knows…

  29. 29
    Chilli sauce? says:

    Brilliant read! Simon Carr skewered Ed Miliband like a kofta kebab

  30. 30
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    He does hold that record on every poll since 2008.

  31. 31
    Ed Bollocks says:

    Amazing isn’t it,immigration is so good for the economy wages have fallen or remained static for the last decade?
    Who’d have thunk that.

  32. 32
    Mustapha Djinn says:

    Huhne IS a pubic lice.

  33. 33
    Denis the Menace says:

    Does this mean Denis MacShane is at this moment infecting Brixton gaol with Lice?

  34. 34
    Arthur says:

    Mostly though you listen to the voices in your head…

    and McDoom

  35. 35
    A Speed Camera says:

    Not just bringing pubic lice back, but bringing them back in a bit of a hurry

  36. 36
    Alf Garnett says:

    Fucking foreign lice coming here nicking our knobs.

  37. 37

    Would love to be able to establish if any of their mob managed to short bank stocks on the basis of their privileged knowledge.

    What a commotion that would cause! :roll:

  38. 38
    civil engineering plant says:

    Fawkes has gone to the p^b and left the m*db*t on ‘whatever’ mode.

  39. 39
    FFS says:

    Imagine, if the unions were actually ensuring that employees got a fair wage whilst at the same time ensuring the employers remained profitable and healthy long-term instead of pratting about meddling in radical left-wing politics and what-not they might actually be popular.

    But in Germany they have such unions, not here.

  40. 40
    Keith Vaz says:

    I welcome these new arrivals from Brussels and offer them a cup of coffee.

  41. 41
    FFS says:

    What exactly does this have to do with Briscoe making false statements about Vicky Price?

    Once again the English courts allow witnesses to run amok with all kinds of irrelevant, wild unsubstantiated allegations. It is really beyond a joke.

    Answer the bloody question you fucked up black bitch: Did you make false statements or not?

    “Yes I did”

    In that case 3 years in prison and you lose your right to practice law. Now fuck off.

  42. 42
    jgm2 says:

    Who was also listening to the voices in his fucked-up head. Two iterations of fucked-upedness.

    We’re fucked.

  43. 43

    Good clean fun last night. Appreciated.

  44. 44
    Len McClusky says:

    They’re not in a pubic sector union?
    Everybody art!

  45. 45
    Richard Timney says:

    Big Tissue. Big Tissue. Gnnnnnuuhhhh. Big Tissue.

  46. 46
    equal rights for foreign workers says:

    Are these many hundreds (presumably) included on the immigration statistics?
    I trust the Border Agency are aware of them.
    As euro lice they are entitled to work here and are probably doing so judging from the permanent crabby look on VP’s face

  47. 47
    Richard Timney says:

    What indeed?

  48. 48
    Chris Huhne says:

    You obviously didn’t spend the night in Brussels

  49. 49
    Bill Quango MP/5 says:

    How does having a zero hour contract effect the directors pay exactly? If they work no hours they get no pay. Ok. We understand that. But then they do no work either.

  50. 50
    davemcwish says:

    “Transcending the plasticine, stop-frame caricature he has achieved human form. A powerful, single-minded, self-possessed four-year-old. No longer Gromit..”

    Er no Simon, wrong character – it is less intelligent human (Wallace) Ed is referred to.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2155997/Ed-Miliband-admits-DOES-look-like-Plasticine-film-star-Wallace.html

  51. 51
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte. says:

    Here we go again more socialist bolox,shop floor workers on renumertion boards,yeah that would work well half the fuckers wouldnt know a spread sheet from bed sheet.

  52. 52
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte. says:

    I wish you would fuck off with your inane threads!

  53. 53
    Ed Moribund says:

    Sorry about my speech.. Its just that I have no new ideas at all.

    WUNASHION

  54. 54
    The public says:

    Is your dad still saying he hates Britain?

  55. 55
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte. says:

    Was it with Madame Trewiller in her private ward?

  56. 56
    Wallace-Ed says:

    Let me get this straight, bank with more than 12% market share = too big, bad deal for consumers, so break the bank up. Well I don’t know about you Ed mate but I spend a shedload more money every year buying food than I do paying bank charges. So tell me, why arn’t you announcing a breakup of the big 3 supermarkets (Tesco – 29.8% market share), Asda (17.2%), Sainsbury (16.8%). Oh, wait, no; they provide a GOOD deal for consumers in a fiercely competitive market which hasn’t stopped new entrants like Aldi and Lidl joining in.
    Idiot.

  57. 57
    Ed says:

    I am not a nob. I am not a nob

  58. 58
    Hector's pants says:

    The Great Gordo pushed HBoS into Lloyds because he needed them all equally crippled. The fools were Victor Blank & Eric Daniels, who should have told him where he could shove it.
    Why did they back down and sign their own career death warrants?

    Maybe even Gordo nobbled the Co-op bank as well. Stranger things.

  59. 59
    Basil Fawlty says:

    Wait ’til *heaven forbid* Mili gets in – he’d be far worse than Brown

  60. 60
    jgm2 says:

    True. What kind of ‘Most of the major British banks failed’ message would it be if it was only the two Scottish ones?

  61. 61
    Look after the apostrophe says:

    *dramas
    *traveller’s slave

  62. 62
    Messenger says:

    We will break up the banks and use the proceeds to fund a comprehensive Jobs Guarantee and fair wages for all – tackling the cost of living crisis by making work pay.

    We will also freeze energy prices and use the proceeds to impose a windfall levy on bankers’ bonuses, ensuring social justice and getting Britain back to work.

  63. 63
    Spot the mistake says:

    *louse

  64. 64
    P l e b says:

    Hang on, weren’t the bankers lying to them about their balance sheets until the crash?

    Hang on, didn’t the Tories constantly barack Brown to release regulation more on the bankers in the 2000s which would have made the 2008 bust massively worse.

    Hang on, haven’t the Tories put the majority into austerity whilst allowing banker bonuses for failure, tax cuts for the rich, putting 100,000 families back into the poverty since 2010?

  65. 65
    Bill d'Sarse says:

    I’m guessing that one of those Two! More! Banks! will be the Co-Op Bank. Renamed, rebranded and a certain party’s loan misteriously written off in the process.

  66. 66
    The most amusing claim ever says:

    Can you please stop confusing the driver of Ed’s latest band wagon. Thank you

  67. 67
    Anti Fabian says:

    Wipes a billion off energy shares when he talks about price fixing the energy market, wipes a billion off bank shares when he talks about banking … Ed is a short seller’s version of the philosopher’s stone.
    If he teamed up with a predictor hedge fund he’d soon be the richest person on the planet.

  68. 68
    Lord Duckhouse of Pondlife says:

    I think Sir Victor Blank-Cheque and Gordo were pretty matey so that helped seal the deal. Blank and Daniels were criminally negligent; as a shareholder in both HBoS and Lloyds I’d like the opportunity to shake them firmly by the throat.

  69. 69
    Bill d'Sarse says:

    Click….

    and you are awake and back in the room.

  70. 70
    King (oh no, Prince) Charlie says:

    I see nothing wrong. Maybe you can come to my hice to explain?

  71. 71
    Jack Ketch says:

    Interesting comparison. The big supermarkets not only damage or drive out of business their small high street competitors, they also squeeze the supply chain and bully the producers, beggaring some farmers and suppliers to the degree that we get served up horse meat or worse masquerading as beef. Banks on the other hand are more likely to provide their suppliers–the lenders and depositers with a better deal in order to gain market share. I cannot pop across the Channel or the Irish Sea to do my grocery shopping, but I can stick my savings into a bank almost anywhere in the world with a keystroke.

  72. 72
    Jack Ketch says:

    I have just had an “awaiting moderation” for a post that has no obscenities, insults, names or even ambiguous phrases. I think that it is random or the mods are permanently drunk on a Friday.

  73. 73
    Anonymous says:

    to be fair to the tories 24/7 BBC didn’t help the cause much.

  74. 74
    FFS says:

    No none of those things are true.

    Just left wing propaganda.

  75. 75
    Cinna says:

    And we have Blair, Brown, Milliband, etc to thank for that.
    Time the “workers” of this country wised up to that.

  76. 76
    Rigor mortis says:

    Hear Hear. Simon C brilliant.

  77. 77
    Rigor mortis says:

    and then crush windpipe until last death rattle over

  78. 78

    Ed is merely an incompetent sock – puppet. Gordon is pure, distilled essence of Evil.

  79. 79

    “on a Friday” is redundant

  80. 80

    This was a reply to 72

  81. 81
    Self Employed says:

    Every sketch by SC is priceless! Well done

  82. 82
    The tit soon to be booted out of no. 10 says:

    That’s nothing ! I can bend over backwards and suck my own dick.

  83. 83
    Homer says:

    My great aunt thinks Miliband should abdicate.

  84. 84
    Guido's modbot says:

    Not rude enough.

  85. 85
    Edinburgh Skanky Shitty says:

    ” Dressed in a wild wolf onesie”? I see a sheep in sheep clothing.

  86. 86
    Ippikin says:

    What an utter berk!
    £1bn off Bank shares & dismissal by Mark Carney.
    Says it all.

  87. 87
    Ippikin says:

    You lucky fellow. Guido ignores all posts on my original name and I am the soul of moderate discretion.
    Just made one small criticism of God and am left wondering if it was that.
    I suppose Ippikin will now disappear.
    Bye bye.

  88. 88
    Ippikin says:

    Fancy giving your bird a dose of shitty knob with an unhealthy dose of crabs attached.
    Always thought the late Lib-Dem Minister had a funny mouth.

  89. 89
    Tax, what's that says:

    And the rich f+ckers have little wish for the worker to understand they have been under paid and ripped off for years. For what if the workers start questioning bosses pay or found out how little tax some firms pay? Clearly, that would never do.

  90. 90
    Anonymous says:

    Since it is in your interest, you lot would say that anyway. Far from propaganda, the part about Tories putting folks into austerity – whilst allowing banker to keep they bonuses – is simply fact.

  91. 91
    CYNICAL OLD GIT says:

    Me too!

  92. 92
    NE Frontiersman says:

    And the unions, Cinna. Bob Crow understands: he wants us out of the EU.

    Any union leader who welcomes mass immigration is selling his membership down the river.
    Remember when the dockers turned out in support of Powell? Exactly the same logical protectionism that had them picketing container terminals a few short years later.
    Yet the Left only commemorate the latter, strangely.

  93. 93
    NE Frontiersman says:

    If voting was made compulsory in British TU elections, they would be transformed.

  94. 94
    Piggy Banks says:

    “…The figures also follow a string of scandals at the country’s lenders over mis-selling, failing to help struggling small businesses, and rigging lending rates. Campaigners said that while City salaries have soared, ordinary families are still facing the worst squeeze on household income in living memory. Average workers saw wages rise by a minuscule 0.8 per cent last year, well below the rate of inflation. But figures from City-based watchdog the European Banking Authority show that last year 2,714 ‘high earners’ received salary, bonus and pension packages worth at least £830,000…”

    Greedy bankers STILL don’t get it, Mail Online, Friday, Jan 17 2014

    Or it that just left-wing propaganda?

  95. 95
    omgomgomg says:

    Hey my new book just arrived: “How to wipe out a billion Great British Pounds in one speech!” by Ed The Red Miliband.

    Congratulations!

  96. 96
    Cost-of-Labour-crisis says:

    You are the son of a first generation Marxist immigrant. F__k off back to where you come from.

  97. 97
    Anonymous says:

    Malefactors of Great Wealth

    “Too much cannot be said against the men of wealth who sacrifice everything to getting wealth.

    There is not in the world a more ignoble character than the mere money-getting American, insensible to every duty, regardless of every principle, bent only on amassing a fortune, and putting his fortune only to the basest uses —whether these uses be to speculate in stocks and wreck railroads himself, or to allow his son to lead a life of foolish and expensive idleness and gross debauchery, or to purchase some scoundrel of high social position, foreign or native, for his daughter.

    Such a man is only the more dangerous if he occasionally does some deed like founding a college or endowing a church, which makes those good people who are also foolish forget his real iniquity.

    These men are equally careless of the working men, whom they oppress, and of the State, whose existence they imperil.

    There are not very many of them, but there is a very great number of men who approach more or less closely to the type, and, just in so far as they do so approach, they are curses to the country.”

    Theodore Roosevelt

  98. 98
    FrankField's Buttplug says:

    My friend Iain says young Ed is a bit of a wanker

  99. 99
    Homer's Great Aunt says:

    … and fuck off permanently to America to join his idiot brother too.. It’s only a short plane ride to Venezuela or Cuba from there.

  100. 100
    Homer's Great Aunt says:

    You forgot about the BBC near-monopoly. That treacherous and mendacious organisation could certainly do with a good chain saw taking to it.

  101. 101
    Frank says:

    maybe this is what his union paymasters are banking on…no pun intended.

  102. 102
    Graham says:

    How did this cretin get a degree ? Miliband is a total disaster and little more than a joke.

  103. 103
    Anonymous says:

    “He wants to dismantle big commercial entities into smaller, more competitive units. But this is what capitalism does as a matter of course.”

    Only if you believe in magical mystic fairy-land capitalism where every turns out right just because.

    Actual capitalism has a long and glorious history of creating enormous bloated monopolies and oligopolies. Even the US has worked this out, which is they regulate competition so heavily.

  104. 104
    Big Momma says:

    Looked at the International Rescue’s website and saw vacancies that neither Dave or Ed Miliband could fill because of their lack of experience.
    Makes you think.

  105. 105
    Big Momma says:

    Red Ed’s malady has now struck the US where Obama is making some weird statements on drugs, alcohol and NSA.
    Guess as a Democrat he will soon be screwing in intern.


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