January 14th, 2014

Hollande Presser: Best of the Tweets

French journalism at its finest…

Pic via @davidamoyal


  1. 1
    Francois Hollandaise, President de la Republique says:

    Hello les rosbifs

    C’est moi, le saucy leetle Hollandaise!

    You comments & twitterings show how poor ze language of ze Anglo Saxonsphere has become.

    Pah! Sacre bleu! Zut alors!

  2. 2

    MonSewer Hollande, innit!

  3. 3
    Sir Bernard Haagen-Daas says:

    Hollande taught me how to evade questions.

  4. 4
    Dave Cameron says:

    Shock and horror the guy is doing something entirely natural. Surprising for a politician. And, what next? He is doing it with another woman. Really, so what?

    Bolocks to monogamy, it is entirely unnatural

  5. 5
    M. Miliband says:

    Je commence par une feuille de papier vierge

  6. 6
    Airey Belvoir says:

    Steerpike – good joke rather spoiled by spelling fail!

  7. 7
    Susanne says:

    With such a passive, toady client press lobby I am surprised Nick Robinson wasn’t there.

  8. 8
    Allez France1 says:

    The French press are poodles,most of them lefty bastards anyway,Hollande is a complete twat.I noticed that he was big on extending the Franco/German concordant on Eurpoean political and economic harmony,in his effing dreams.

  9. 9
    Nicholas Sarkozy says:


  10. 10
    Carry Hole is a porcine homunculus says:

    Vous ne pouvez pas espérer
    de corrompre ou de tordre,
    Dieu merci! la
    Journaliste français.
    Mais, voyant ce qui
    l’homme va faire
    unbribed, il ya
    pas besoin de.

    i used google translate so it’s probably wrong. Sorry Humbert Wolfe

  11. 11
    Press Statement, Elysee Palace says:

    Elysee Palace Press Information (UK version)

    ” With the current pressures on M Hollande, the President of the Republic, it is required of him to use the weight & bearing of his high office on several or more bodies at this moment in time…….”

  12. 12
    EU Watch says:

    With the growing economic divide between F’rance and G’ermany, sooner or later G’ermany is either going to have to destroy 80% of its productive economy, or tell F’rance to get lost.

    Smart money should be on G’ermany getting out of the Euro before F’rance defaults.

  13. 13
    Carry Hole is a porcine homunculus says:

    I might vote for anyone who can nail Alizée though.

  14. 14
    Zoot alors says:

    I am un litteel Frenchman,
    Un scooter I do ride.
    It speeds along at un fast rate
    To mon tasty bit on de side.

    She is un well known movie star
    With legs right up to here.
    Now Lady Valerie knows of ‘er
    I’ll be right out sur mon ear.

    We had the fun, we pays ze price
    For nothing ever comes free
    Oh instead to desire black internet cock
    Like de Englishman Jack Dromey.

  15. 15
    Allez France1 says:

    Hacked Off must be loving this,if this is the way we are going to go then Gawd Helpus.A free press is an absolutely essential component of democracy and Hollande is the living proof,a fucking liar whose personal morality is shattered which must compromise his political effectiveness and trust.

  16. 16
    Diane says:

    Talking of toads, who likes my portrait?

  17. 17
    Twitter is for Twats says:

    And to think they said Twitter was just dull shit for dull narcissists.

  18. 18
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    Hollandaise Sauce:

  19. 19
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Hollande – The man behind the plastic mask.

  20. 20
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    France last used the Guillotine in 1977, within the lifetimes of most posters here.

    Wouldn’t be such a huge reversal to roll her back out again… quick squirt of WD40 and off we go.

    A compliant media class that does little more than push the liberal elite’s favoured version of events fools no one except themselves. It gets to the point where their deafening silences and glaring refusal to call a spade a spade just highlights everything wrong with the current state of affairs.

  21. 21
    WTF says:

    She’s married, so you can vote for her hubby when he stands for president I guess.

  22. 22

    Waht we need to see is a picture of Great Leader of The Western World standing at the twin lecterns in Washington with Hollande and, by their sides, on the one hand, Michelle and on the other, a string of females all of whom would have been disappointed not to go.

    Liberté?    Non!
    Fraternité? Non!
    Egalité?    Mais oui!

  23. 23
    'Ello 'Ello says:

    Very drole!

    Francois Hollande would be hilarious were his policies not harming so many millions of Frenchmen, putting the Eurozone under strain and damaging a major export market for Britain.

    He’s a stark reminder of the dangers of socialism.

  24. 24
    Mornington Crescent says:

    They’re poodles because much of the press receives public subsidy – which they can kiss goodbye to if they ask awkward questions.

    The simple, classic way of keeping your enemies closer: shower them with cash – our cash.

  25. 25
    Qui est-il ? says:

    Mais, il ne parle pas français. Quelle domage !!

  26. 26
    Mitch says:

    Ask the girlfriend if she thinks it’s normal? Mention words like respect, trust, honesty and see what see says about that.

  27. 27
    Non-Licience Payer says:

    + the rest of the beeboid wankers.

  28. 28
    albacore says:

    Don’t look over here – look over there
    Saucy Hollande’s such a silly mere
    He almost makes our diddlers look good –
    If you don’t mind their pulling your pud

  29. 29
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Hollande says his private affairs are to remain private. Strange then that everyone knows about his private affairs. Bon chance.

  30. 30
    Vote for Labour and let them finish the job says:

    Never mind…these are the very policies that will be coming to the UK in May 2015

  31. 31
    M. Joseph Pujol says:

    I fart in your general direction!

  32. 32
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    When is a crisis not a crisis. When it’s a labour crisis.

  33. 33
    Count Alfred von Schlieffen says:

    I’m working on a new plan.

  34. 34
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    He’s a stark reminder of the dangers of socialism.

    …which is why we should value his existence enormously.

    Even Simple Ed realises that to be associated with Hollande is an enormous embarrassment, which makes it hard for him to segue into forcing socialism down our throats.

  35. 35
    Mitch says:

    This is EXACTLY what Hacked Off want – a supine press who don’t ask awkward questions. And the price we would pay is useless clowns like Hollande being in charge embarrassing us on the world stage.

  36. 36
    Senor Chang says:


  37. 37
    Valérie Trierweiler says:

    Well a least he has kept things discrete. It would be awful if he had humiliated me in front of 370million people.

  38. 38
    A lesson from history says:

    If it was the UK the media led by the BBC would be outraged but in France it’s no sweat. It’s not the fact that Hollande has a mistress or girlfriend whilst in a relationship with another woman or whilst he’s president.Plenty of French Presidents have been guilty of that. If the economy was doing well the French media and people wouldn’t bat an eyelid but because Hollande is fucking up the French economy and his laws are unpopular they will use this as a stick to beat him with

  39. 39
    Louis XVI says:

    Ah Madame Guillotine, I knew her well.

  40. 40
    National Enquirer: Scoop says:

    Ooh la, la ! Hollande is bumming O’bama.

  41. 41
    Count Alfred von Schlieffen says:


  42. 42
    Sir William Wayde says:

    Man and woman play ‘hide the sausage’ shock.

  43. 43
    Lorena Bobbitt says:

    You do not need anything as large as a guillotine.

  44. 44
    Sir William Wayde says:

    I wouldn’t call le Figaro or le Monde left-wing.

  45. 45
    Mornington Crescent says:


  46. 46
    Rob Ford, interviewed on Childrens Show says:

    So, was he eating her pussy as well ?

  47. 47
    George Smith says:

    Universal Credit will be delivered on time and on budget.

  48. 48
    Another way of putting it says:

    Man cheats on and lies to his partner, thus showing he is dishonest, untrustworthy and has no respect for the important people in his life.

  49. 49
    President Hollande says:

    “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”

    Le Monde. “Ok ..well that’s that sorted out then..We’ll be off home.”

  50. 50
    Commy skank Strategy says:

    The French economy has gone down the shitter how can the Frogs deflect every French p-easant’s attention from the economic rubble? Bring out the skanky French actress with NO self respect. That will work for a while!

  51. 51
    Marie Antoinette says:

    Madame Guillotine a toujours été pensé pour être un cran au dessus du reste.

  52. 52
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    Madame G has a certain presence that cannot be ignored.

    Pour encourager les autres, and that.

  53. 53
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Ref Tim Shipman’s tweet – interjurisdictional twatter Mr Shipman.

    The British media are also a collective disgrace. Look at the ‘created’ spat between toilets, pearse and alky C(nut).

  54. 54
    Simone de Beauvoir says:

    One is not borne a numpty, one becomes one.

  55. 55
    Arthur says:

    A consummate politician in other words

  56. 56
    Ed Moribund says:

    Socialism is not some sort of economy wrecking, pie-in-the-sky, money destroying set of theories.
    it is a genuine practical alternative to unsuccessful countries like…erm…the USA..well, no..not the USA..How about …erm..Germany..no..not Germany..or even Belgium..well…some of the capitalist nations don’t do as well as other .

    Anyway..the most Marxist nations such as Zimbabwe and Cambodia and Angola and Cuba are top of the world league tables in political rhetoric…Those we MUST emulate..As my old dad used to say.. Go to Moscow,Ed..Britain is evil.

  57. 57
    Ed Miliband says:

    These affairs are wrong, at a time when the economy is still going badly in France but parents and the public have been let down by both sides because the president has acted in a reckless and provocative manner. After today’s disruption, I urge both parties to put aside the rhetoric, get around the negotiating table and stop it happening again.

  58. 58
    Dave Cameron, spanking the monkey for votes says:

    No cheese eating surrender monkey he !

  59. 59
    Ed Moribund says:

    “Hello…Gordon? Listen..its me ..Ed…No.not that one….the other Ed…Yes…the geeky one..yes…Listen…What does hide the sausage mean? I keep reading about it and wondered if its a financial term..What’s that..Ok…So you’ve never heard that expression either…Hmmm…Ok…thanks…I’ll give Mandleson a call…”

  60. 60
    broderick crawford says:

    …. with a view to morphing from stale debate in verticall silo format to a far more open and invasive horizontal dialogue for the good of all “stake” holders.

  61. 61
    broderick crawford says:

    We fart at your General ELECTION .

    ( let sarkozy back … at least he looked lime a two timer )

  62. 62
    broderick crawford says:


    next time he tells me to chew his balls off I ll take him at his word !

  63. 63
    broderick crawford says:

    No , but they still suckle from the Republic s teat like all the other loss making media who would be dead and buried without the subsidy.

    This happens in 90 percent of EU countries … in fact I believe UK is possibly the only nation that has no media funding hence tbe ” robust reporting ” of the political class ….. something Lord LeaveUsAlone is trying to scupper via his Report following the Enquiry.

  64. 64
    Spot the dick says:

    So the frenchie is considered a celebrity by the french press, our press and the beeb for dipping his wick outside of marriage (ok not marriage in his case but you know what I mean). However when there was the mearest of suggestion that Camo was porking Becky, all hell let loose. Wankers

  65. 65
    The Green Fairy says:

    As usual, Andrew Neil hits the nail squarely on the head:
    “Is this what a Leveson-compliant press looks like?”
    Why yes, yes it is.

  66. 66
    Anonymous says:

    good man carry hole , well done .

    a bribe by the way us UN POT DE VIN which translated into 1970 s The Sweeney parlance literally means A GOOOD DRINK .

  67. 67
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    How come France’s socialist birds are so much hotter than ours?

    Segolene Royal would get it.
    Valerie Trierweiler would get it.

    Cathy Ashton would not get it.
    Angela Eagle would not get it.

  68. 68
    Anonymous says:

    Good work Carry Hole ..well done .

    BTW – a bribe is UN POT DE VIN . which loosely translated in the
    1970 s parlance of The Sweeney TV series means effectively


  69. 69
    Allez France1 says:


  70. 70
    Anonymous says:

    yeah well i blogged 68 coz 66 had gotten lost in the blogosphere ….

  71. 71
    Allez France1 says:

    J,taime Francoise

  72. 72
    Allez France1 says:

    Tres Bien.

  73. 73
    Miranda says:

    Fellatio et tu or trois, or more.

  74. 74
    Allez France1 says:

    Hollande Le Coq Dor.

  75. 75
    Miranda says:

    He’s a Socialist — what d’you expect?! Takes what he can, when he can.

  76. 76
    Miranda says:


  77. 77
    M102 says:

    Ed Boules

  78. 78
    A sign of things to come here if milliband wins says:

    A look into the future should the bribed with the taxes of the hard working and striving, elect Milliband and Balls in May 15.
    In 2017 with unemployment soaring, deficit going up by £billions to the level Osborne inherited £180billion, and the rich fleeing to countries who believe in fairness, Milliband will have press conference with the same sort of rot that Hollande spouted today….National Plans, collectives responsibility et al, yet still the country will spiral down.Please Tories get your bloody act together, bury your egos and get stuck in now and unite to ensure this won’t happen here.

  79. 79
    Peut être says:


  80. 80
    A Divorce lawyer says:

    What exactly is it that attracts three French Presidents to this flat in the Rue Du Cirque when the taxpayer is providing exceeding lush accommodation plus meals cleaners and laundry close by ?

  81. 81
    Dirty ole Bugger says:

    Try as they might, I don’t think the French press can hide the fact that Hollande is a total clown!

  82. 82
    Forward with guidance says:

    Dangermouse’s Government are halfway through passing legislation to make prostitution illegal with only men being liable to custodial sentences.

    This could all turn very very interesting and make Profumo look like a walk in the park if things have been going on in this flat which should not have been going on.

  83. 83
    The Riddler says:

    The estranged husband who is not supposed to be living in that flat is ann Argentinian and his kids are half Argentinian.

    I hope this helps you in your deliberations.

  84. 84
    Dirty ole Bugger says:

    del Piero?

    Luciana Berger?

    As long as it was free and I could kick them out of my apartment the next day and not listen to their dreadful yap and maybe finish over their socialist gobs I’d do them both.

  85. 85
    Dirty ole Bugger says:

    Ever get the feeling it was all a scam? I mean, he was hardly discrete, right? And that French actress can surely do better than a president that is the laughing stock of all Europe and looks like a Parisian version of Mr Bean.

  86. 86
    Jack Ketch says:

    This is s-ooo true. Look at the French Deputy who represents the French in Britain, Axelle Lemaire. http://www.axellelemaire.eu/ma-bio/

    Whereas we send Cathy Ashton to Europe to show that we have no hairdressers or plastic surgeons.

  87. 87
    Un hommes des affaires en France says:

    If Bonaparte thinks I am going to move my backside to help him out he is in for a shock

    The imbecile’s speech was little more than a revamp of what he said at the New Year. Nothing has really changed except for him having hospitalized his mistress.

    I will follow the example of his art dealing Foreign Minister and just buy and sell objets d’art which the Socialists so conveniently have excluded from a lot of taxes

  88. 88
    John Bellingham says:

    Dromey–Veut un coq noir.

  89. 89
    A cheeky scouser says:

    He didn’t. Did he ?

  90. 90
    Jane Birkin from Paris says:

    Moi aussi .

  91. 91
    Anonymous says:

    If a person is deceitful in private life then he is deceitful in public life. Why do not the french understand this fact?

  92. 92
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    Groooof, yup.

  93. 93
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    Berger is a candidate but you’ve got to remember that not only MC Chukky but Sion Simon – yes, SION SIMON – have been in there.

    On the plus side, she’s obviously not fussy. Just tell her the next stage of her ‘career’ (chuckle) is dependent on bumping uglies with you.

  94. 94
    JH2303409329-3423 says:

    PS – and Euan Blair.

    Euan Blair. Yes, she slept with him when he looked about 9.

  95. 95
    Blowing Whistles says:

    What no pics of a bambi at his male club with some special male friends?

  96. 96
    Alan Retentive. says:

    You are Miles Kington and I claim £5. Very good.

  97. 97
    Alan Retentive. says:

    Don’t see much about Hugh Grant in the papers these days, do we? Like he never existed. Just the job.

  98. 98
    Spot the spelling mistake says:


  99. 99
    Alan Retentive. says:

    What, you mean last night 93?

  100. 100
    Alan Retentive. says:

    He may have lots of respect for the important people in his life, but still insufficient to stop him embarking on an affair.

    I know nothing about his personal history and the relationship with his official partner, and I would be very surprised to find that you do.

  101. 101
    Knitting Spectator says:

    You were very good at giving head.

  102. 102
    broderick crawford says:

    Rest of Europe wants referendum on Britain says:

    THE 27 member states of the European Union have demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay in.

    Voters across the continent will be asked to choose whether Britain should have to follow the same rules everyone else does or can just fuck off.

    So far the latter option, which would see multilingual FUCK OFF BRITAIN signs at every European border crossing and mandatory cavity searches, is polling at around 90 per cent.

    EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “All we ever bloody hear from the UK is that you don’t want legal highs, you won’t pay benefits, you don’t want human rights.

    “What exactly does Britain bring to the EU anyway, apart from of course your wonderful financial centre that destroyed all our economies a few years ago?”

    Jose Triano of Madrid said: “An entire area of Spain – we call it the Costa del Crime – is a no-go area for ordinary people because of aged Brits reminiscing about the Krays while sucking up our health service like Bermuda-shorted vampires.”

    German Chancellor Angela Merkel said: “Despite our difficulties, Britain does have a very important role within the EU.

    “It unites the rest of us in loathing.”

  103. 103
  104. 104
    Is modbotty staging a work-to-rule ? says:
  105. 105
    Mme Tricoteuse says:

    Veuillez attendre un peu. Je vais acheter de la laine blanc, bleu et rouge. Donnez moi dix minutes svp.

  106. 106
    fares please says:

    Ed, your boundless knowledge and experience are urgently required in Venezuela. There is a plane leaving at midnight for Caracas.

  107. 107
    Michelle la belle says:

    Ow you say? Mayor Delors?

    (Sounds like that anyway).

  108. 108
    Michelle la belle says:

    Mixing affairs of state with affairs of the heart (I failed anatomy ‘O’ level) is built into a frog’s dna.

  109. 109
    Michelle la belle says:

    Didn’t his official partner steal him from another female person?

  110. 110
    Michelle la belle says:

    When you manage to get your strength back, do look up the difference between ‘discrete’ and ‘discreet’. There’s good chap.

  111. 111
    The national debt not decreasing by the day despite Austerity says:

    Oh yes things have changed.

    He increased VAT on New Years day so all the talk of reduced taxes in 2014 is rubbish.

    You would hardly think that from the performance of the French Press.

  112. 112
    Malcolm Muggeridge says:

    Due you think it really right that a politician can claim a right to a private life and seek election to public office in his latter years whilst hiding the fact that he is suffering from terminal cancer?

    This is what Mitterand did and it led to years of political stagnation which started the economic decline of his country.

    Yet the French still abide by this strange concept of privacy whilst imposing your views on others in public.

  113. 113
    Malcolm Muggeridge says:

    The bottom line is that Cameron has isolated UK in Europe yet the UK still remains a member.

    Other UK members are asking the question just why keep the UK in the club if they do not want it to advance.

    The logical solution is to show UK the door. The reality is the UK will be marginalized but tolerated within the union.

    This is the system the British people have voted for.

  114. 114
    Rightwinggit says:

    Road closed after person falls from building..


    Was it handycock doing the decent thing?

  115. 115
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    Fuck off, drama queen!

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