January 8th, 2014

Sketch: Quiet Commons Helps Cameron

For once, our television screens broadcast a quiet, respectful, intelligent PMQs.

How the public detest it! My mailbag was full of disgusted members of the public complaining about the lack of passion, energy, class war, amusing abuse, animal noises, flying fruit, incarnadine faces and generalised, unspecific roaring.

“If aliens had landed in the middle of this and were told ‘This is how we hold our Government to account’ they’d say, ‘Bollocks you do! That’s just a bunch of kids pretending to be grown-ups!”

Some say the tenor was set by the death of popular Paul Goggins, announced this morning. There was mourning, condolence, fond memories, kind wishes. And this is how it should be, the decencies were observed. Though in my experience, the political reaction is “X has cancer. He’s dying.” “Oh no! That’s awful!” Beat. “What’s the majority?”

Ed Miliband used his attractive quiet voice. The face didn’t look like Gromit in a wind tunnel. Should have been good. Maybe it was, I can’t tell any more.

He was flanked on the front bench by his minders, or mentors or keepers – Mr and Mrs Balls. The Lemon and the Lemon Squeezer.

Three of them probably add up to one complete Kinnock.

A quiet Commons suits Cameron, allows him his lordly ease. “I think he’s making a reasonable point,” he said about Miliband. Oo, he meant it to sting!

To Katy Clarke’s charge of the agency worker loophole that allows short term workers to be paid less. “Loophole fact number one,” he began. By the end, the agency worker loophole was a dead issue.

An atmosphere of calm deliberation makes Labour look ridiculous. Their leadership made a catastrophic strategic mistake by betting half their capital on Too Far Too Fast when the business cycle would inevitably turn their argument upside-down.

And now the other half of their capital is on the Cost of Living Crisis just as real wages are about to start rising and tax about to start falling.

Maybe the troika at the top of Labour aren’t a single Kinnock. Maybe they’re two complete Kinnocks. A ten-year Kinnock.

It’s now possible to see a Government through to 2020 – the same as we have now, and a Boris-led coalition for five years after that.

The next Labour prime minister may be Chuka Umunna’s son.


  1. 1
    Ma­qbo­ul says:

    one complete Kinnock


  2. 2
    Luciana Berger says:

    Who is going to have Chaka’s little brownings now?

  3. 3
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Kinnock? Foot, more like.

  4. 4
    Still not good enough for your son though says:

  5. 5
    Get on with it! says:

    “Three of them probably add up to one complete Kinnock.”

    Genius Sir!

  6. 6
    Pingu says:

    Which one is Gulcan Metin Asdoyuran? The wide one with the black hair or the tall one with the green head?

  7. 7
    A Yankee says:

    1974: Time blames “polar vortex” on global cooling
    2014: Time blames “polar vortex” on global warming


  8. 8
    Lenin McCluskey in Oct 2013 says:

    ‘Ed Miliband is the best Labour leader since Michael Foot.’

  9. 9
    Plazma telly, ya get me, blud? says:

    In case the decision leads to another riot, I’ll get my order in now: I’d like a 50 inch plasma TV, preferably Sony, definitely not LG or some other cheapo brand. I understand that a bit of fire damage on the box is to be expected.

    The jury at the inquest into the death of Mark Duggan, who was shot by police, has reached its conclusion. The conclusion will be made public at 15:30 GMT.

  10. 10
    retardEd Miliband says:

    It ith ethential that we have a quiet and conthidered PMQ’th, tho that Ed Ballth doethn’t loothe hith temper and look an ever bigger prat than he uthually doeth.

    P-ETH: cotht of living cwithith.

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Ed Milliband may have been respectful and “used his attractive quiet voice.”, however it didn’t change when he finished his tribute to Paul Goggins and went on to the subject of the day, he didn’t even take a breath

  12. 12
    Get on with it! says:

    Photographic evidence of Abbott going to the wall.

  13. 13
    The Birds and the Bees says:

    Two Balls and one Miliband make a complete set of male genitals.

  14. 14
    Mummy's Little Rioter says:

    It’s a bit cold to be doin’ any riotin’, geeza!

  15. 15
    Mr Potato Head says:

    The 2020 government will see Nigel Farage as PM whoever wins in 2015.

  16. 16
    Private Shool is best for little abbotts says:

    That’s one wall she never went to for her child.

  17. 17
    Mr Potato Head says:

    I preferred ‘the prick between two balls’.

  18. 18
    Get on with it! says:

    State school was a wall too high.

  19. 19
    Plazma telly, ya get me, blud? says:


  20. 20
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Surely he meant “one complete cockup”.

  21. 21
    Nige says:

    I’ll have drunk myself to death by then x

  22. 22
    Owen Jones says:

    We’re one step closer to the end of homophobia in right wing political blogging.

  23. 23
    Jimmy says:

    At last, righties have your very own cookery show. Working title: Meisterchef

  24. 24

    What? Two more coalitions? Tell me it’s not so!

    The world will freeze and all the animals will die. What will that do for global worming?

  25. 25

    They are lefties. They attract mostly lefties. They are as loopy as lefties.

    Now the really bad news: look carefully and put your hand over his hair and you will discover it is really Ed Balls with a wig.

  26. 26
    Eusé B O says:

    What do you blame the current Australian heatwave on?

  27. 27
    AGW is left wing cobblers says:

    It being Summer?

  28. 28
    Nu Attack Dog says:

    Gulcan the performing seal?

  29. 29
    M o P says:

    Owen, a ‘phobia’ is a fear of something; and, you know what, I don’t think I have ever met any body who is a afraid of homo.

  30. 30
    It adds to the spice of life says:

    They ain’t that bad. No way would the Conservatives alone got £9,000 through on Tuition taxes or the public housing spare room subsidy chop. As for the EU and the Global warming it can’t all be blamed on the Liberals as Cameron is fully signed up to those scams anyway. The coalition works by allowing each party’s pet subjects through un-opposed which does Not happen in a majority government. Of course the downside it could be argued is that it weakens the opposition party

    A UKIP Tory Coalition would be interesting or even UKIP labour.

  31. 31

    I was not talking about warming.

  32. 32
    the volunteer says:

    I am working class yorkshire man and England belongs to me

  33. 33
    I hate socialists. says:

    Miliband looked as though he was trying to be a prime minister in waiting.
    but he came across as a complete tosser.

  34. 34
    nigels parachute in 2015 says:

    The wall is perfect. Now just need a firing squad

  35. 35
    Labour voter says:

    Or 3 C u n t s?

  36. 36
    Labour voter says:

    Did the one on the right eat all the kids?

  37. 37
    Witty Moniker says:

    Spot the ethnic and gender minority.

  38. 38
    Sir William Wayde says:

    “Incarnadine” is a verb, not an adjective. It means “redden”.

  39. 39
    Get on with it! says:

    It IS also an adjective – from the free dictionary (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/incarnadine):

    in·car·na·dine (n-kärn-dn, -dn, -dn)
    1. Of a fleshy pink color.
    2. Blood-red.

  40. 40
    Anonymous says:

    MR POTATO === PMSL indeed !!!

  41. 41
    Guido Farage says:

    And so will I

  42. 42
    Milibandwagon says:

    Speaking of which:

  43. 43
    nigels parachute in 2015 says:

    Would you really throw a gun over a fence when youve been shot and surrounded by 11 armed officers?

  44. 44
    Airey Belvoir says:

    An insightful observation. The front bench, a prick flanked by two balls, displays a full set.

  45. 45
    Milibandwagon says:

    It’s time for a bit of lead in the pencil.

  46. 46
    Airey Belvoir says:

    Has Abbott lost her wig?

  47. 47
    Psyche the Dog says:

    ” lack of passion, energy, class war, amusing abuse, animal noises, flying fruit, incarnadine faces and generalised, unspecific roaring.” Simon I concur with that except possibly the first, “lack of passion” there is possibly too much passion and not enough thought into what is said (or should I say shouted) it goes for all the “honorable members”, what a miss noma LabLibDebCons all are it at it disgusting, they have even been known to pick upthe mace and wave it at each other.

  48. 48
    rofl says:

    Of the many laughs I have enjoyed today, yours is by far the best.

  49. 49
    Political Mantra says:

    That one in the dress has truly horrid legs.

  50. 50
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    miss noma is a misnomer!

  51. 51
    Sarcastic David Laws says:

    No, no, no – Little Ed is Wallace. Gromit is the other one.

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George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”

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