January 8th, 2014

Sketch: Quiet Commons Helps Cameron

For once, our television screens broadcast a quiet, respectful, intelligent PMQs.

How the public detest it! My mailbag was full of disgusted members of the public complaining about the lack of passion, energy, class war, amusing abuse, animal noises, flying fruit, incarnadine faces and generalised, unspecific roaring.

“If aliens had landed in the middle of this and were told ‘This is how we hold our Government to account’ they’d say, ‘Bollocks you do! That’s just a bunch of kids pretending to be grown-ups!”

Some say the tenor was set by the death of popular Paul Goggins, announced this morning. There was mourning, condolence, fond memories, kind wishes. And this is how it should be, the decencies were observed. Though in my experience, the political reaction is “X has cancer. He’s dying.” “Oh no! That’s awful!” Beat. “What’s the majority?”

Ed Miliband used his attractive quiet voice. The face didn’t look like Gromit in a wind tunnel. Should have been good. Maybe it was, I can’t tell any more.

He was flanked on the front bench by his minders, or mentors or keepers – Mr and Mrs Balls. The Lemon and the Lemon Squeezer.

Three of them probably add up to one complete Kinnock.

A quiet Commons suits Cameron, allows him his lordly ease. “I think he’s making a reasonable point,” he said about Miliband. Oo, he meant it to sting!

To Katy Clarke’s charge of the agency worker loophole that allows short term workers to be paid less. “Loophole fact number one,” he began. By the end, the agency worker loophole was a dead issue.

An atmosphere of calm deliberation makes Labour look ridiculous. Their leadership made a catastrophic strategic mistake by betting half their capital on Too Far Too Fast when the business cycle would inevitably turn their argument upside-down.

And now the other half of their capital is on the Cost of Living Crisis just as real wages are about to start rising and tax about to start falling.

Maybe the troika at the top of Labour aren’t a single Kinnock. Maybe they’re two complete Kinnocks. A ten-year Kinnock.

It’s now possible to see a Government through to 2020 – the same as we have now, and a Boris-led coalition for five years after that.

The next Labour prime minister may be Chuka Umunna’s son.


  1. 1
    Ma­qbo­ul says:

    one complete Kinnock



  2. 3
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Kinnock? Foot, more like.


  3. 4
    Still not good enough for your son though says:


  4. 5
    Get on with it! says:

    “Three of them probably add up to one complete Kinnock.”

    Genius Sir!


  5. 7
    A Yankee says:

    1974: Time blames “polar vortex” on global cooling
    2014: Time blames “polar vortex” on global warming



  6. 9
    Plazma telly, ya get me, blud? says:

    In case the decision leads to another riot, I’ll get my order in now: I’d like a 50 inch plasma TV, preferably Sony, definitely not LG or some other cheapo brand. I understand that a bit of fire damage on the box is to be expected.

    The jury at the inquest into the death of Mark Duggan, who was shot by police, has reached its conclusion. The conclusion will be made public at 15:30 GMT.


  7. 10
    retardEd Miliband says:

    It ith ethential that we have a quiet and conthidered PMQ’th, tho that Ed Ballth doethn’t loothe hith temper and look an ever bigger prat than he uthually doeth.

    P-ETH: cotht of living cwithith.


  8. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Ed Milliband may have been respectful and “used his attractive quiet voice.”, however it didn’t change when he finished his tribute to Paul Goggins and went on to the subject of the day, he didn’t even take a breath


  9. 22
    Owen Jones says:

    We’re one step closer to the end of homophobia in right wing political blogging.


    • 29
      M o P says:

      Owen, a ‘phobia’ is a fear of something; and, you know what, I don’t think I have ever met any body who is a afraid of homo.


  10. 23
    Jimmy says:

    At last, righties have your very own cookery show. Working title: Meisterchef


    • 25

      They are lefties. They attract mostly lefties. They are as loopy as lefties.

      Now the really bad news: look carefully and put your hand over his hair and you will discover it is really Ed Balls with a wig.


  11. 24

    What? Two more coalitions? Tell me it’s not so!

    The world will freeze and all the animals will die. What will that do for global worming?


    • 30
      It adds to the spice of life says:

      They ain’t that bad. No way would the Conservatives alone got £9,000 through on Tuition taxes or the public housing spare room subsidy chop. As for the EU and the Global warming it can’t all be blamed on the Liberals as Cameron is fully signed up to those scams anyway. The coalition works by allowing each party’s pet subjects through un-opposed which does Not happen in a majority government. Of course the downside it could be argued is that it weakens the opposition party

      A UKIP Tory Coalition would be interesting or even UKIP labour.


  12. 32
    the volunteer says:

    I am working class yorkshire man and England belongs to me


  13. 38
    Sir William Wayde says:

    “Incarnadine” is a verb, not an adjective. It means “redden”.


  14. 43
    nigels parachute in 2015 says:

    Would you really throw a gun over a fence when youve been shot and surrounded by 11 armed officers?


  15. 45
    Milibandwagon says:

    It’s time for a bit of lead in the pencil.


  16. 51
    Sarcastic David Laws says:

    No, no, no – Little Ed is Wallace. Gromit is the other one.


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