December 20th, 2013

Friday Caption Contest (Jingle Balls Edition)


  1. 1
    Roundell says:

    stick to a job you are good at……Oh……..perhaps find a different job to try

  2. 2
    Newsfox says:

    Ed Balls in Low Key Interview

  3. 3
    screwlabour says:

    Deck the Balls with boughs of holly

  4. 4
    Timmytour says:

    “Scales? I’ve no idea what they are…..”

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    You hum it, I’ll play it…

  6. 7
    WelshRacer says:

    Ed Balls “no Jeremy, I played all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order”

    Bit like his economic policy then………..

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to the Guido Fawkes team…….. xxx

  7. 8
    Notned says:

    Looks like Balls is in treble. :-D

  8. 9
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    Vine ” So Ed, do you know The Sugar Plum Fairy?”

    Balls “No, but Im quite close to Peter and his Brazillian friend.”

  9. 10
    Martin says:

    My next number, the deficit blues …

  10. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Wot a prat!

  11. 12
    Anonymous says:

    Ed Balls set to to tinsle the ivories

  12. 13
    Pollytwaddle says:

    Wot a prat!

  13. 14
    HullyGully says:

    Don’t call me “Killer”, Jerry Lee’ll be after me!!,
    Besides I do’nt know Great Balls of Fire!!!!!

  14. 15
    Notned says:

    In the words of Jelly Roll Morton “Get up from that piano. You hurtin’ its feelings.”

  15. 16
    jaffs says:

    And you say Gordon’s coming in too, dressed as Santa? – the chances of that happening are about as high as an Osbourne led economic recovery

  16. 17
    My Real Name says:

    If you can hum the tune to ‘Down and Out’, I’ll try and play it.

  17. 18
    Pete says:

    Balls: …and this next one is called ‘Autumn Statement’.

  18. 19
    jaffs says:

    Ed says I have got too big for my boots, so I have had to leave them over there

  19. 20
    Billy Joel says:

    Unable to wait for the hormone treatment to kick in, the fat soon-to-be-a-lady started singing.

  20. 21
    My Real Name says:

    Can you go busking with a piano?

  21. 22
    News Flash says:
  22. 23
    Immer Wieder says:

    Are these the keys to recovery?

  23. 24
    K-Tel Records present says:

    Ed Balls latest shit

  24. 25
    alexei romanov says:

    I’ve forgot my keys!

  25. 26
    Rocker says:

    Great Balls of Fire? Who me?

  26. 28

    Apparently George is on his way with his fiddle & Nick’s got his little sailor suite ready

  27. 29
    A nincumpoop says:

    “Actually, I’ve been a bit of a plonker all my life.”

  28. 32
    Pete says:

    Balls: … and tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Elton John.

  29. 33
    Ed Balls says:

    “You must remember this,
    A piss is just a piss…”

    But seriously, folks– I’m here all week! Tip the waitstaff! Get home safe now! Good night!

  30. 34
    Harry Krishna says:

    Now you have managed to open the lid, will you come back next week and play a tune?

  31. 35
    Sniper says:

    And now playing with himself we present, Rude Balls the Red-Faced Pain’n’Rear.

  32. 36
    Pete says:

    Balls: … where’s the ‘on’ switch?

  33. 38
    Scottish Chav says:

    I can only play the white notes … if I played the others I would be depressing the blacks and thats a racist.

  34. 39
    Pete says:

    Balls: … I know a couple Simply Red numbers.

  35. 40
    CHRIST ON A BIKE! says:

    J Vine: “The BBC want to make you appear more human and likeable Ed”

    Ed Balls: “I know it’s Christmas, but I don’t expect f ***ing miracles!”

  36. 43
    Baldrick's burger bar says:

    And now as requested by the lady in the pink sweater, I offer you the old piano roll balls.

  37. 44
    Pete says:

    Can you play, “Down Down”.

  38. 46
    PG Tips says:

    Do you know the piano’s on my foot?

    well you should have kept your bloody boots on then

  39. 47
    Pete says:

    ‘Pianist’ or ‘A Penis’?

  40. 49
    Wait - what! says:

    “I can’t actually read music, I usually just play whatever UNITE tell me to”

  41. 50
    Harry Krishna says:

    I’ll play as long as there are no strings attached!

  42. 52
    Darren Ardron says:

    You hum it son and I’ll play it! Maybe I can play down the recovery?

  43. 53
    Anonymous says:

    The Shadow Chancellor runs his hands along a flat minor.

  44. 54
    Pedigree chump says:

    “There must be a mix up, it’s MacShane that plays the fiddle”

  45. 55
    Jumbo says:

    Regrets I’ve had a few……..

  46. 56
    Poets' Day says:

    OK – £6.31 an hour, starting next October – done…

  47. 57
    Round the Bend says:

    “Nero fiddled while Rome burnt, so you tonked while the UK tanked”!

  48. 58
    Ed Balls says:

    I’ll get my coat.

  49. 59
    Capt Apollo says:

    do you know “how to create an economic recovery”? No, but you hum it and I’ll make sure not to play it

  50. 60
    Village Idiot says:

    …J.Vine; “Your face was red…….ed!!”

  51. 61
    Wah wah pedal says:

    I usually duet with Jack, he strokes the black ones.

  52. 62
    Spot the Dog with the Snout in the Trough and Dirty Balls hanging off the piano says:


  53. 63
    Curly says:

    Interviewer: So you are the genius that found the lost chord – and promptly gave it to the ECB for a plate of useless euros?

  54. 64
  55. 65

    Flatlining in F major for horn, trumpet and double-bass.

  56. 67
    naughty nev says:

    Do you know you’re a fucking bright red Hunt?
    No, but hum the first verse and I’ll give it a go…

  57. 68
    Ed Lennon says:

    Imagine all the people,
    living off the state,
    whoo hoo ee ooh.

  58. 69
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Ƅ lining Balls.

  59. 70
    David says:

    “you have ALL of Liberace’s records?”

  60. 71
    Stafford DeWolf says:

    Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, he walks into mine.

  61. 72
    naughty nev says:

    Vine: Nicely played.
    Balls: Thanks. I practiced my fingering on Stephanie Flanders.

  62. 73
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Balls tries to show he is #est the knife in the block.

  63. 75
    Sir Mary Flappes says:

    “🎼Whisper words of wisdom
    (psssst…. Post endogenous growth theory…shhhhhhh)”

  64. 76
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Jeremy Vine: So Ed Balls what will you play for us today?

    Ed Balls: I’ll start off with John Cage’s 4’33”.

  65. 78
    Ed Plonk says:

    Balls: “You sing it and I`ll pull this tinsel through my colon and fart.”

  66. 79
    Peter Grant says:

    “Watch me flatline this tune! I keep trying to demonstrate this to Gideon and Dave in the Commons on my virtual air-piano, but they never get it.”

  67. 80
    Willo79 says:

    “Do you know Simply rED and Moneys Too Tight To Mention?”

    No………thought not!!

  68. 81
    Balls graspingly says:

    Where are all the BBC cash freebees i am entitled to?

  69. 83
    Liberace says:

    What’s better than red roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ

  70. 84
    Edward Cojones says:

    Once a long time ago, I used to tickle Yvette`s ivory, as I start to play All Over Now, je ne regrette rien.

  71. 85
    MetroGnome says:

    So that is what you call an economy of scale!

  72. 86
    Balls to Vine says:

    When I asked you to sing “Jingle bells” I do not expected “Jingle balls”. My balls do not make a sound when lightly hit.

  73. 87
    Cymro oddi ar y llinell says:

    And now Jeremy, I’d like to play a little request for Ed in Primrose Hill, “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’”.

  74. 88
    Weybridgeman says:

    And if I play loud enough it will bring the Apollo Theatre down……

  75. 89
    Phil Westlake says:

    “No Jeremy i don’t know any songs about turkeys!”.

  76. 90
    Ed Balls says:

    Never mind pounding the old Joanna, wait till you see me pound Yvette!!

  77. 91
    William says:

    Hi Ed, ‘Do you know your balls are hanging underneath the stool’

    Ed: ‘No, I don’t, but start humming it and I’ll soon pick up the melody’.

  78. 92
    Anonymous says:

    Ed has finally mastered the skill of pressing the keys with his fingers instead of his palms

  79. 93
    Squeaker says:

    Spot the giant tinselly cock

  80. 96
    Mick Hucknall says:

    After my last Commons performance Jeremy, I’ll play anything, except for Simply Red songs.

  81. 97
    Kick the foreign city of London out of England says:

    “When I played at the Appollo it brought the house down”

  82. 99
    Sir William Wayde says:

    “Do you do requests?”

  83. 100
    filipinomonkey says:

    …and we’ve had a request from a Mr Ed M of Dartmouth Park, Andrea Bocelli’s “Time to say Goodbye…”

  84. 103
    Vine to Balls says:

    Thank you Chancellor of the Exchequer

  85. 104
    Ed Balls says:

    I am a complete pianist.

  86. 106
    Binge Drinker says:

    Les Dawson tribute act?

  87. 107
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Vine: Ed We’ve just had a couple of requests from some listeners: “Flowers in the rain” and “Where have all the Flowers gone?”

  88. 108
    Dr Móron Berk says:

    Do you know the size of the structural deficit when you left Government?

    No, but hum it and I’ll give it a go.

  89. 109
    Handy handy. says:

    I’m learning the piano so I can control my hands in public.

  90. 110
    Anonymous says:

    Try again, but with a faster & deeper tempo!

  91. 111
    MIKE OXHARD says:

    Are you the last Turkey in the shop ?

  92. 112
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Hitler has only got one ball,
    Goering has two but very small,
    Himmler is very similar,
    but Goebbels has no balls at all.

  93. 113
    Hilda Berger says:

    And when I piss it stings, these foolish things, remind me of you…

  94. 114
    Bransfoly says:

    ‘Do you know when Ed is going to sack you’

    ‘Nope, but if you hum, it i’ll play it’

  95. 116
    Pdubya says:

    Jeremy: “Was that a bum note Ed?”
    Ed: “You work for the BBC Jeremy – you tell me”

  96. 117
    droopydave says:

    ‘it’s sort of ,err, flatlining, Ed. Unless you know any other notes?’

  97. 118
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    OK Ed, can you play “The Turkey Trot”?

  98. 119
    Man from Mars says:

    “Do you know anything about Post-Neo-Classial Endogenous Growth Theory ?”
    “No, but if you hum it I’ll join in “

  99. 120

    ‘So, c‘mon Ed, give us ‘I’ve got the Old Tosser Blues’.

  100. 121
    Vine to Balls says:

    “We could put you in magic roundabout”.

  101. 122
    John Ward (Medway) says:

    Balls “See? It’s all here, right in front of me, in black and white.” Interviewer: Not so much of it is in the black, though.”

  102. 123
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    These boots are made for walking and that’s just what Balls will do.

  103. 124
    2 Down says:

    Balls up (6)

  104. 125
    Balls the Man with no idea says:

    You sum it and I’ll say it

  105. 126
    The General says:

    ” I’ll show you something else I can do with two fingers”

  106. 127
    John says:

    Jeremy Vine : “Do you know how to run the economy?”
    Ed Balls : “Not sure, but you hum it and I’ll play it”

  107. 128
    Ivor Biggun says:

    “I’m Britain’s champion wanker.
    Renowned throughout the land,
    Everybody knows my name but.
    Nobody wants to shake my hand.”

  108. 129
    Jack the Ripper says:

    VINE : Ed, can you play this?

  109. 133
    Late winner says:

    Testing…testing…Listen you deaf berk. I said you’re a complete penis!!

  110. 134
    ghost of internet present says:

    “Do you know the Piano’s on my foot?”
    “You hum it lad and I’ll play it”

    Thanks pg tips!

  111. 141
  112. 144
    Mark Wouters says:

    The Twin towers attacks on America were per planned and exicuted from ENGLAND,and the attacks were going to be much much larger then actual,there were -are more targets .

  113. 145
    Aparat says:

    “It makes a change from dancing to your tune, Ed. I can call you “Ed”, can’t I, sir? I’ve done everything you want, sir.”

  114. 146
    Lord Bumblesnitch says:

    I’ll play ‘Look Mum, No Hands’ and one or two party pieces from my ‘Mrs. Balls’ Ministerial Meddling’ album.

  115. 148
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Dick Ed Balls with vows of folly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  116. 149
    TheDudeAbides says:

    Green-nosed tinsel snake attacks shadow chancellor.

  117. 151
    geordieboy says:

    You call that tickling the ivories, I could tickle your tonsils much better so wrap your laughing gear round this.

Seen Elsewhere

Guido’s Column | Sun
NUT’s Loony Defence of Status Quo | Jago Pearson
A Dozen Reasons to Be Cheerful | John McTernan
Political Bloggers Are Equal Opportunities Attackers | ConHome
Michael Gove Should Resign | Conservative Women
Sarah Wollaston’s Naming and Shaming of Bloggers | LibDemVoice
Fraser Nelson: Put Your Money on Ed Miliband to Win | Guardian
Guido Fawkes is Too Aggressive | The Times
Ditch Tobacco Plain Packaging | Grassroots Conservatives
What Farage, Boris and Rob Ford Have in Common | William Walter
Labour Spell New Adviser’s Name Wrong | ITV

Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads