December 18th, 2013

GALLERY GUIDO PMQs SKETCH: Bercow’s Descendancy

“The booing and jeering from the Government benches at Bercow was as bad as I have ever known it,” a back bencher said. “And when Therese Coffey wished him and his family a happy Christmas, that got booed as well.”

It was quite a scene. When John McDonnell called the Prime Minister a liar – or was it “Lies! Lies! All lies!” as another witness had it – the Tories started to chant the only really offensive word in his Speaker’s lexicon. The word is “Order.”

“Order! Order!” they shouted. “ORDER!”

The English translation is: “You dirty, rotten, cheating, twisted little berk – you’ve ratted on all your colleagues, you’ve connived and conspired against one side of the House and sucked up to the other, you bend, bribe and bully decent people with your gifts and positions and quid pro quos, you’ve used the highest position in Parliament to puff your pompous little personality out of its skin, your language is ridiculous, your snobbery is disgusting, your megalomania is obvious, your taut, fake smile is completely unconvincing, and you do not deserve our respectful goodwill a moment longer!”

Labour’s John McDonnell had asked a colourful question about the Heathrow extension which would result in them having to demolish schools and hospitals and yes, “to dig up our dead”.

Cameron was dealing quite skilfully with his unequivocal “no ifs” undertaking not to rob the graves around Heathrow and McDonnell shouted out, let’s take the least unparliamentary version, “They were lies! Lies!”

The Tory storm began. Bercow leant forward and took advice from the Clerk.

Now, the Clerk of the House is a clerk in the same way a Secretary of State is a secretary.

Robert Rogers is a magnificent-looking individual with a proper spade of a royal beard, wonderfully-kept 18th century court dress, and a glittering, penetrating eye. Tonbridge and Lincoln College Oxford. A gentleman. Old school. The chief executive of the Palace of Westminster. The ultimate authority on parliamentary procedure.

And yet, and yet.

Last year, when Bercow collaborated with Chris Bryant to allow the word “Lied” to be used of Jeremy Hunt in the Commons, Bercow had to square the Clerk. He had to fix him. He couldn’t proceed with the Clerk’s acquiesence. I’m sorry to say, that the Clerk acquiesced. He declared the Speaker was correct.

In his book – the sort of work that people call “magisterial” – he says in plain black and white that Liar and its various forms is unparliamentary language. In his faith, one thing but in his works – ah! I’m choking up. You get the gist.

There we were again this afternoon with the words Liar or Lies being flung across the floor and Bercow leaning forward to take Roger’s advice. He leant back, stood up and said, “A reference was made to the treatment of constituents not to observations made in respect of Members of the House.”

What technical, legalistic, self-serving twaddle.

He’s sucking up the Tories just now, gums and tongue working double time, trying to retrieve his position with them. But had, in the happier days of his Ascendancy, had Simon Burns, or Tim Loughton, Anna Soubry, Patrick McLoughlin or Michael Gove yelled that across the floor Bercow would have fallen on them like a collapsing house.

But this, his Descendancy, is a fascinating narrative, for those with stomachs strong enough to watch.

It’s the recess. The New Year is a New Deal. And Bercow’s grease gun is loaded with inexhaustible lubricants. He will need all the darker arts to bring the situation back his way. Let’s see how he tries.


63 Comments

  1. 1
    IAN TOTKINS 35 years for peadophillia says:

    Fuck , i was so looking forward to playing santa this year

    Christmas will be a real bummer from now on

    Like

  2. 2
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    Simon Hughes to stand down as deputy leader of the Lib Dems.

    Like

  3. 3
    nell says:

    one can only hope that this obnoxious man is voted out of parliament and the speaker’s chair come 2015. Couldn’t nigel farage stand against him again in hbis constituency in 2015 – nige might win this time!

    Like

    • 9
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      Unfortunately, the Marxist Hughes is on manoeuvres to become Leader,if that’s applicable, of the LibDem rump. His seat is as safe as any tofu-eater, and we are likely to be afflicted with this creature in public life for some time to come.

      Like

    • 11
      Joe Public & all Voting UKIP.ORG says:

      I sincerely trust all the Voters in his Constituency have been very impressed
      with his appalling behaviour & how this has tarnished & devalued one of the
      great Offices of State along with the antics of slapper Sal who has done her best
      to contribute even more to make us the laughing stock around the world.

      I am certain the Electors will reflect on all of this infantile childish behaviour
      when they have to the opportunity to Vote @ G.E.

      Like

    • 14
      Old Blue Eyes says:

      Come on ye good Conservatives of Buckingham – deselect the runt.

      Like

      • 45
        True Blue says:

        Your spelling is appalling, what letter should come before ‘unt in Bercow’s case?

        Like

        • 53
          Somewhat offpissed. says:

          How about…

          1. Retardaunt?
          2. Redundaunt?
          3. Deliquesceunt?
          4. Preprubesc eunt?
          5. Obsolesceunt?
          6. OedipuslesHunt? (O.K., I made that one up but it does seem to fit all of the requirements.)

          Like

    • 27
      Joe Public says:

      So Bercow will go to the House of Lords with a platinum pension. But what party will he represent? On current performance he would cross the floor and be Liebor.

      Like

      • 31
        (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

        Yes, a labourite to the core and perfect dance partner for the vertically challenged and baby faced Owen Jones (woofter of this parish).

        Like

      • 43
        Sally Bercows knickers says:

        How very dare you say hubby is a cross dresser! He will do as I say, or the whip will be out again.

        Like

    • 34
      Nigel Farage doppelganger says:

      unfortunately the only thing more dense and stupid are the people of Buckingham who voted the little twat back in.

      Like

    • 35
      ancientpopeye says:

      “You dirty, rotten, cheating, twisted little berk ”

      Can’t understand why Guido doesn’t say what he means.

      Like

  4. 5

    “Nothing but ‘low’ and ‘little'”…

    Like

  5. 6
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Bercow is like a prep school teacher trying to cope with unruly 11 year olds during the last lesson on a wet Friday afternoon.

    The trouble is they have found out he is no bloody good.

    Like

  6. 8
    WelshRacer says:

    If they think the current Mr Speaker is bad – I would advise anyone to use youtube to remind themselves of the previous Mr Speaker………

    Like

    • 32
      (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

      Not bad really, just bent (as a nine bob note) the jock wanker.

      Like

    • 60
      (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

      Ah’ll see yew, Jimmy! Ah’ll nae weld your Lesmahagow, an’ ‘at!

      Like

      • 61
        Jack Ketch says:

        Labour found many jobs for the mentally ill in the last Parliament. Speaker of the HoC, First Lord of the Treasury, Deputy PM, several EU commissioners, advisors to the PM and Chancellor. This is why they changed the 1000 year old law to allow lunatics to sit in both Houses.

        Like

  7. 10
    Wait - what! says:

    Bercow frequently says ‘you can make as much noise as you like..’ and then criticises them for making noise.
    A waste of robes.

    Like

  8. 15
    nell says:

    We need another Betty Boothroyd!

    Like

  9. 16
    Heil Cameron says:

    And to think these bastards want a payrise.

    Like

  10. 17
    Heil Cameron says:

    Dennis Skinner would make a good replacement.

    Like

  11. 18
    altruism in industry says:

    seems can aptly be applied to current HM Gov

    ” In contemporary usage, quisling is synonymous with traitor, and particularly applied to politicians who appear to favour the interests of other nations or cultures over their own.”

    Like

  12. 19
    Bernard Matthews says:

    Turkey Balls, anyone?

    Like

  13. 20
    Jimmy says:

    So as the people face increased deprivation, job insecurity and in some cases hunger, these bastards are playing name calling before they break up for Christmas.
    We let this happen, we have stood by as grammar school prefects argue with public school prefects. if this is politics than we would be well rid of the lot them

    Like

  14. 22
    Johan says:

    The best sketch yet, marvelous!

    Thank you all, and Merry Christmas!

    Like

  15. 24
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “A reference was made to the treatment of constituents not to observations made in respect of Members of the House.”

    WTF does THAT translate to?

    That someone was saying THIS:
    “Oh, I didn’t call any ‘Honourable’ Member a ‘liar’– no, no, I called members of the Great Unwashed ‘liars’! That’s all the difference in the world!”
    Is THAT the point he was deciding?

    Let’s hear you tell us why MP’s, who ARE liars, can’t be called such, but Joe and Josie Average can be. We’re waiting, John-Boy.

    Like

    • 56
      Anonymous says:

      I think he means t’s not unparliamentary to lie to constituents only to other honourable members. They think we’ve forgiven and forgotten the expenses scandal, instead we’ve just been building a bigger bonfire for them.

      Like

  16. 29
    Directorate of Non-Compliance says:

    If “Lord” Patten renounced his peerage could he be co-opted as Speaker? On the past form of recent Speakers he would appear to have all the necessary attributes. Lovely chap, a man of the people, and utterly sincere.

    Like

    • 30
      Mark Cist says:

      Can’t we get that nice Owen Jones to be Speaker
      Find him a safe seat somewhere.
      He has got a lot to say on everything and he would be fair and balanced.

      Or perhaps as the next BBC Director General

      I think there is no post too high for the capable young Owen.

      Like

  17. 36
    gra smi says:

    You can make all the negative comments you like.It just means we shall all be here a little longer.I dont mind how long it takes.Guido WILL be heard !!

    Like

  18. 37
    Excelsior says:

    “You dirty, rotten, cheating, twisted little berk – you’ve ratted on all your colleagues, you’ve connived and conspired against one side of the House and sucked up to the other, you bend, bribe and bully decent people with your gifts and positions and quid pro quos, you’ve used the highest position in Parliament to puff your pompous little personality out of its skin, your language is ridiculous, your snobbery is disgusting, your megalomania is obvious, your taut, fake smile is completely unconvincing, and you do not deserve our respectful goodwill a moment longer!”

    So good I just had to repeat it.

    Like

    • 39
      Nell's son says:

      Couldn’t agree more Excelsior, it was brilliantly put by Guido.

      Of all the objectional t**ds in parliament, which includes many hundreds, Berk is head and shoulders above the rest, even allowing for his being SO vertically challenged.

      Just get the H*ll out of it Berk, you are even worse than the drunken Jock.

      Like

  19. 44
    Blimey! says:

    “The English translation is: “You dirty,
    rotten, cheating, twisted little berk –
    you’ve ratted on all your colleagues,
    you’ve connived and conspired against
    one side of the House and sucked up
    to the other, you bend, bribe and bully
    decent people with your gifts and
    positions and quid pro quos, you’ve
    used the highest position in
    Parliament to puff your pompous little
    personality out of its skin, your
    language is ridiculous, your snobbery
    is disgusting, your megalomania is
    obvious, your taut, fake smile is
    completely unconvincing, and you do
    not deserve our respectful goodwill a
    moment longer!”

    And he is smurf! Lol :)

    Like

  20. 46
    Sickened with the BBC bias says:

    Bercow is lined up to replace Patton and be the next BBC Trust.

    Like

  21. 48
    Sickened with the BBC bias says:

    Chairman!

    Like

  22. 49
    Jen The Blue says:

    How has the “mother of parliaments” come to have such an odious, biased, self – serving little **** as its speaker?

    Surely even Labour MPs realise it is simply bad for democracy to have such a **** in the Speaker’s chair?

    Like

    • 50
      Adrian H says:

      ‘democracy’ … I’ve heard rumours that it is was practised once in this country, but not in living memory.

      Like

      • 63
        Jack Ketch says:

        The last truly democratic decision was taken by the Witan in 1066 when the question of allowing a bunch of smelly European increased control over English affairs was soundly defeated. Unfortunately when the matter was contested by the Europeans, democracy lost.

        Like

  23. 51
    gildedtumbril says:

    House of Conmen and House of Turds. Says it all really.

    Like

  24. 52
    Another Headshrinker says:

    Sally does John with a strap on every night! The slime stays on him due to his hirsute back and body, it is where Sally gets the lube from, no requirement for KY.

    Like

  25. 58
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    Utterly brilliant, S C! Your “take” on this ghastly little prat will find more than a little sympathy where it matters, I trow!

    Like


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