December 16th, 2013

GALLERY GUIDO SKETCH: May on Manoeuvres

Theresa May. She may not, of course. She has a voice impediment and prime ministerial hopefuls don’t need one of them.

When rattled, or on shaky ground, or telling a big fat out-and-out copper-bottomed falsehood – her voice wobbles. It breaks up and down. She’s like Jimmy Savile waggling his cigar and warbling. That’s quite an impediment for a would-be prime minister of our great island nation. We don’t want our first citizen to be channelling a pop-crazy, chain-smoking paedophile. That is one modernisation too far.

This was going to be a sketch of comic invention until it was revealed that our preventative arrangements for Bulgarian migrants have consisted of one policeman visiting the Carpathian mountains and telling villagers not to come.

The Government has made no attempt to predict how many will come. It is perfectly possible to do a study (there is a thing called market research) but the fellow who might have done it said he was never asked.

Would there be any special arrangements? Any monitoring of flights at Luton airport to count the numbers coming in? “It will be business as usual,” Mrs May said. That’s not even an ambition.

Her permanent secretary had made the error of promising an Olympic-style system of procedures. Or as she repeated: “Very much business as usual.”

That’s doing no more than usual but doing more of it.

Mark Reckless asked, “Will we hit our target?” That is, to reduce immigration to under 100,000 a year. She said, “It remains our aim to work towards the target.”

Or as we non-prime-ministerial-hopefuls say: “No.”

In the absence of doing anything tough, effective and sensible now, the thing to do would be to leak a document saying that amazingly tough, effective and sensible things (“illegal and undeliverable” things according to Clegg) would be done in the subjunctive future. No more than 75,000 EU migrants would be allowed here.

Theresa never comments on leaked documents so we are left with the impression she wants to do this, without incurring any obligation.

She has created an asset without a liability. That’s talent.

Perhaps Theresa may after all.


66 Comments

  1. 1
    • 4
      Dave wants Turkish immigrants too says:

      May and Dave have no hope in hell of stopping any invasion. They may as well try to stop the tide coming in. Only EU exit can end the massive damage that unlimited immigration is causing.

      • 6
        UKIP if you want to says:

        Newspapers used to run ads saying that chaos, anarchy, storm, famine and pestilence would continue until Joanna Southcott`s Box was opened

        I`m increasingly reminded of these ads whenever Brexit comes up in posts.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joanna_Southcott

      • 7
        Grumpy Old Man says:

        Only EU exit can end the massive damage to our economy, our energy production and the continuing impoverishment of the UK. Scottish independence would help as well.

        • 21
          I hope Cameron dies of cancer says:

          Don’t forget the foreign plundering of our fish stocks.

          • Fcuk the ConsLieLaborLebDims Alliance says:

            Don’t forget the EUSSRs continuous plundering of our money,
            by every means possible……

          • lojolondon says:

            Instead of doing anything about it, we are putting all our media resources into keeping the lid on public concern. Not only the Biased BBC, but last night, ITV sent a crew to Bulgaria. They went to a town where they claim there are no people between 20 and 40. The young and the old live here, but all working age people are in the UK already. They showed us poor people who earn in a month what you could earn in a few hours here. Then they interviewed some, and remarkably the message coming back was universal – a few people may come over to work, but no-one will come over for benefits. So there you have it. Like Liebour predicted that only a handful of Poles would come here and were mighty, mighty wrong. But by then it doesn’t matter, because we have given them places to stay, kids are in school, healthcare being handed out. So it is too late.
            One party will gain from this – and that is UKIP. The only party who are not deluded or lying about the implications. The UK is being destroyed by traitors, every day is closer to disaster.

          • Vlad the Loudhailer says:

            We could sink a couple of Spanish trawlers to even up the score over Gibraltar.

        • 47
          Gordon Bruin PhD says:

          Nae worry Brother, I’ll do a huge Mc Jobbie in the Channel Tunnel. Nurse, where’s my poo-poo crayon…

      • 30
        Close the border says:

        They can stop the invasion at a stroke.

    • 58

      SHE RESEMBLES ONE OF THOSE VIGNETTES ON A SEXY GRANNY PORNSITE

      THE CAPTION COULD WELL READ

      GAGGING GRANNY DEMONSTRATES SIZE OF REQUIRED TODGER .

  2. 2
    Peter Martin says:

    That starts funny, stays funny and ends funny. But stays pretty tragic throughout.

  3. 3
    I've got something in my pocket for you... says:

    ‘This was going to be a sketch of comic invention until it was revealed that our preventative arrangements for Bulgaranian migrants have consisted of one policeman visiting the Carpathian mountains and telling villagers not to come.’

    Streisand effect inevitable…..

    Was it necessary to mis-spell ‘Bulgarian’ and ‘channeling’…?

    • 22
      Tom Catesby. says:

      Maybe their coming in from ‘Bulgarania’ too? May as well while there’s still room every other f^cker and his goat is apparently.

      • 55
        Roma person learning Eenglish says:

        I have recently learnt that their does not mean they are. At least we Roma will speak proper Eenglish.

  4. 5
    White rabbit says:

    A financial advisor friend of mine offered similar investment opportunities.

  5. 8
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron is now so far divorced from reality:

    Success in Afghanistan, re-negotiation with Europe, the viability of HS2, the need for a third runway at Heathrow… the man is in denial.

    • 40
      Fcuk the ConsLieLaborLebDims Alliance says:

      International Aid to China = Space Programmes

      International Aid to India = Another Space Programme on route to Mars

      International Aid to Africa = Even more corruption + Anon Swiss Bank Accounts

      International Aid to Corrupt Tin Pot Dictators Anywhere in the World

      In fact Aid to everyone EXCEPT the Indigenous UK Caucasian Population

      especially Senior Citizens who the nasty party would prefer a slow painful

      premature demise to, thats sooner rather than later

      British Democracy you know it never will sense, least of all

      in the UK !!

  6. 9
    Peter Wiles says:

    Clegg says May’s proposals are “illegal”. I thought he was part of the legislature. It’s up to him and his ilk to decide if they’re legal or not. He can’t delegate that to anyone else. Though I suppose that delegation (to the UN, to the EU, to anyone else they can think of) is what LibDems have always done to avoid having to make difficult decisions.

    • 13
      Working for a foriegn power used to be called treason says:

      Quisling clegg mouthing off again. You can tell who this lord haw haw really works for.

      But what can you expect. He is a foreigner, and therefore has sod all connection with the native peoples of these isles.

      It’ll be like expecting colonial officials in the Raj to give a damn about the ordinary native Indians.

    • 14
      Anonymous says:

      Clegg has completely and utterly lost the last few scraps of authority and credibility he had.

      Everything he has to say makes him seem like the little kid on the playground who is always whining to the teacher that the other kids wont let him play.

  7. 10
    Chinky Davey says:

    Fucking hell, these “sketches” are getting fucking worse. This reads like one of those fucking tumble weed blogs that the other wanky posters on here often link to. You know that fuckhead cat twunt and the kebab n0nce. Unfunny so called political comment read by no fucker at all. Who really gives a fuck about old grey pubes May and her fucking ambitions? She is just another power mad four be two greedy fucker who deserves a fucking bullet up her cobweb coated scampi scented clunge. Guido, fucking give it up with these cringe worthy sketches mate, they are utter fucking shit.

  8. 11
    perdix says:

    To make an estimate on how many will come would be as foolish as it is impossible. If the estimate was too low the govt would be accused of complacency. If the estimate was too high the govt would be accused of scaremongering. Lose-lose situation.

    • 15
      Anonymous says:

      If they give any number at all, the newspapers could portray at as either too low or too high on a whim.

    • 34
      Englishman says:

      I see the conept of a government just telling the public the truth is not within your view of the world. You work in Westminster and I claim my 5 bitcoins.

    • 57
      Boy George's spotty spad says:

      How about preparing the machinery to count them in and count them out, for starters.

  9. 16
    peech imspediment says:

    Witch at, Guido!

  10. 17
    Mornington Crescent says:

    I’m normally a May fan – after all, she inherited a “Department” (that’s a Ministry, in old money) that is utterly dysfunctional – but her performance on Toady this morning was utter crap.

    Still, nice pair of knockers pictured behind her.

  11. 18
    Joe Public II says:

    T.M. has failed completely to control immigration. No way is she qualified to be P.M. and follow in the footsteps of our Glorious Bumsex Leader Dave.

    • 36
      Englishman says:

      I agree. She has failed, failed, failed.

      • 49
        more importantly says:

        I’d rather listen to her than Yvette Cooper.

        And Cooper has such appalling taste in men
        I wouldn’t trust her judgement in important matters.

  12. 19
    Mark Wouters says:

    BundesRacoon Here ,
    Its now time for all uk und usa Politicians to grow their own Vegetables as theres a Political ideas DROUGHT.this will last for 40 years.ENJOY.

  13. 25

    Is Mandela still dead?

    Anyone seen any BBC?

    • 52
      The Blue Peter guide to watching the BBC in relative safety says:

      Strategically deploy an odd number of Mirrors* to minimise the risk of direct exposure and make sure that the volume is turned down to minimum before switching on your TV. In fact, it’s best to use this technique to view your neighbour’s TV rather than your own and listen using a cardboard tube (which you will have prepared earlier) between your ear and the party wall.

      *On no account should any Guardians be involved, especially anyone calling himself Mr Patten. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

    • 60
      Osama the Nazarene says:

      +1 & LOL.

      I should give it a few more days before turning them on again, or Sky for that matter.

  14. 26
    Larry The Downing Street Cat says:

    “Theresa May” “voice impediment” ?

    This is News to me and Google Inc. A google search brings up just 9 results; all from this site and this post?

    What on earth are you taking about?

    • 35
      Greystoke says:

      ‘her voice wobbles. It breaks up and down. She’s like Jimmy Savile waggling his cigar and warbling.’

  15. 27
  16. 28
    Slave for the Guardian! says:

    Immigration is a nightmare and the government must get on top of it! Ukip smell blood! In May’s defence, she is tenacious & she did get rid of the hook & chums despite every obstacles thrown in her way. She will have to get on top of this. Soon!

    • 37
      Englishman says:

      Too late. She has had years to close the border and root out the illegals and in that time she has done nothing of any consequence.

    • 41
      Anonymous says:

      To get on top of it, the Tories would have to go against the financial faction of the vested interests pushing mass immigration. They aren’t going to do that.

      Instead they’ll just try and suppress the growing anger and resentment building up.

    • 53
      Jeremy Clarkshews says:

      Theresa threw everything she had at the mosquerat.
      She should be a shoe-in when Cameron gets his marching orders.

      • 54
        Lance Boyle says:

        I hope not. According to a Christopher Booker article a few months back she was the driving force for gay marriage.

  17. 31
    Mornington Croscont says:

  18. 38
    Horatio the Butler says:

    I have a bunch of gypsies at the end of my garden.

    Tessie May is next to useless.

    • 43
      Roma Georgio & his 10K family says:

      You wait until the 1st Jan 2014 then you will be the one’s at the end
      of the garden & we will have taken your home lock stock & barrel.

      After that we call the Police to protect our human rights & deport you
      smelly vile riff raff from our adopted country

  19. 42
    Truthteller says:

    It’s not hard, they couldn’t give a sh!t.

  20. 44

    Triple lock your front doors, multi lock all other outside doors and bars up at the windows. Ve hev varned you:

  21. 46
    Nigel Farage doppelganger says:

    Fannie May has about as much leader material as Genghis Khan was a diplomat.
    I would trust her sit the right way on a toilet seat with pissing on her posh shoes.

  22. 48
    IT worker says:

    Mrs May has messed up the whole immigration thing. She is printing masses of ICT visas completely uncapped for mainly Indian nationals to swarm in as cheap workers. She is printing indefinite leave to remain visas like confetti. I would be staggered if she ended up leader of a major party.

  23. 51
    more importantly says:

    Despite the spurious claim from John McTernan that the public wasn’t interested, the EU and Immigration is a major concern for a majority of tax-paying voters.
    Politicial parties will ignore it at their peril.

  24. 59

    ANDRE VILAS BOA CONSTRICTOR SAYS

    IT IS DISCONCERTING TO REALIZE THAT I HAD TO SACK MYSELF THIS MORNING AS ALL PERSONS IN AUTHORITY HAD LEFT WHITE HART LANE FOR THE CHRISTMAS NEW YEAR BREAK .

    NOW I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH MYSELF TO AGREE AN ADVANTAGEOUS CONTRACTUAL SEVERANCE SETTLEMENT .
    WHAT A DRAG…..

  25. 61
    The Duke says:

    The ironic thing is that many immigrants of earlier waves of emigration to Britain agree with the white indigenous population that immigration is out of control and needs to be curbed if not stopped outright. Admittedly, this is like pulling the ladder up after you yourself have benefited from it, but still…


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A confused Nick Griffin says Nigel Farage is a shill for the City, forgetting that City banks want to stay in the EU:

“Farage is a snake oil salesman, but a very good one. His supposed anti-immigration stance is all smoke and mirrors, as is his carefully cultivated image as a ‘man of the people’. The truth is that UKIP is a pro-immigration party that exists to lobby for the interests of the City of London.”



Alexrod says:

It’s money innit.


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