December 16th, 2013

Chuka’s 50 Shades of Grey Session With Mystery Lady Friend

As Guido reported in yesterday’s Sun, Chuka Umunna has admitted to enjoying a saucy poolside 50 Shades of Grey session with a mystery lady friend. “I was sitting by a pool and one of my friends – who I will not name – she was reading extracts to me,” Chuka says. And he liked it: “I thought it was quite racy.” Bachelor Chuka, who don’t forget dated Luciana Berger, was coy about the identity of his companion, telling intrigued fellow guests during the pre-show ice-breaking: “I’m not saying any more.” Sadly the cameras hadn’t started rolling.


  1. 1
    Chucky Fucky says:

    Why would he need someone to fuck? He’s a narcissistic twat. He probably just thinks of himself when he wants to climax.

  2. 2
    Does he like PIE?! says:

    TV weather presenter Fred Talbot has been been rearrested by police investigating allegations of historical child sex abuse at a school. Officers are examining claims of abuse at Altrincham Grammar School for Boys in the 1970s and 80s. The 63-year-old former teacher has been arrested on suspicion of indecent assaults on five former pupils.

  3. 3

    Oh er, I can just see a shade of his enormous watch!

  4. 4
    Toly Poynbee says:

    The saucy poolside sessions were presumably at his Villa in the Balearic islands.

    When I become a socialist, I will have a Villa too!

  5. 5
    I gave up half way through chapter 4 says:

    ““I thought it was quite racy.””

    It was a load of shite, like reading some random outpouring from an illiterate 14 year old girl’s mind.

  6. 6
    Laurie Penny libels Lily Allen. Not very bright, is she? says:

  7. 7
    retardEd Miliband says:

    Having a villa in a warmer country allowth you to reduthe your heating bill, which helpth with the cotht of living cwithith.

    Thadly, I mutht make do with a £2million houthe in London. On the pluth thide, I didn’t have to buy it with my own money. And I put the heating on expentheth.

  8. 8
    Chuka Campaigns for Energy Windfall Tax because prices too high. Except this was 2008 says:

  9. 9
    Person Of A Slightly Nervous Disposition says:

    I find that picture a bit unsettling.

  10. 10
  11. 11
    American rapper says:

  12. 12
    Ed Miliband Doubled energy Prices says:

    So, Prices doubled in a year in 2008. How come the energy secretary Ed Miliband did not freeze the prices? Oh silly me, he couldn’t because of all the green taxes he had slapped on to “save the world”.

  13. 13
    Another halfbreed says:

    Ugly fucker.

  14. 14
    50 shades of shit says:

    “like reading some random outpouring from an illiterate 14 year old girl’s mind.”

    What do you mean “like”? EL James HAS the mind of an illiterate 14 year old.

  15. 15
    Up the Workers! says:

    He’s not too bad by Labour standards – unlike tax-dodger Stephen Kinnock, who has never had a real job in the real world, Chuka (from a family of tax dodgers) once worked as a solicitor, albeit for less than four years.

  16. 16
    Centre Parting says:

    There are various things one can finger, but i thought you have your collar’ felt’.

  17. 17
  18. 18
    T May says:

    Yankee Go Home

  19. 19
    Theresa "total waste of space" May says:

    I’m too busy shopping for shoes.

  20. 20
    Peter O'Toole's daughter thanks fans for their condolences says:

  21. 21
    I gave up half way through chapter 4 says:

    Ah, that explains it.

  22. 22
    Adolph Miliband says:

    He has no known realtionship with the means of production. A bit like my sons.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Was the woman’s name “Beard”?

  24. 24
    50 shades of shit says:

    Can’t help admire her success though. She’s earned millions from her shit writing. A reaffirmation that anyone, even someone as talentless as her, can thrive under capitalism.

  25. 25
    David Cameron says:

    I am disappointed that I have been caught out yet again giving foreign aid to people who don’t need it. Still, it’s only public money. Who cares if the Chinese neither want it or need it because they are rich enough to put a robot on the moon?

  26. 26
    I think this is what Chuckup's thinking says:

    “So you want to be my unpaid intern, do you? Well, collect my £2,500 suit from the cleaners and when you get back remove your trousers and touch your toes. Mwa ha ha ha haaaa!

  27. 27
    Lord Stansted says:

    Only the prebesent read about sex.

  28. 28
    Holly says:

    Surely you mean, ‘thankfully! the cameras had not started rolling’.
    Chuck is a puke inducing individual.
    Must dash…

  29. 29
    Fuck the LibLabCon says:

    So Lilly Allen is a racist now?

    How odd I thought she hated her own kind as much as Laurie Penny does, looks like one of those socialist bitch fights where one of them realises they’ve lost the argument and starts screaming racist at the other. Fault of habit I guess.

  30. 30
    Dimmy Dave is the worst Prime Minister ever ! says:

    “it’s only public money”

    Isn’t it slightly worse than that? The money that Dimmy Dave is spunking all over the place (that is, the rest of the world but not here) has actually been borrowed from the Chinese in the first place.

    Dimmy Dave borrows their money, immediately gives it back to them as ‘aid’, and we spend the rest of our lives paying the interest on the debt.

  31. 31
    Ric Holden CCHQ says:

    And aside from saying “ooh” at the prospect of Man City and Barca, that completes the football round up…

  32. 32
    Chuka Does Tessa says:

  33. 33
    Ignore the irrelevant fuckwit, it's what they hate most says:

    She can’t even spell “Lily” correctly.

  34. 34
    Marshall N. Mathers, alias Eminem, says:

    I’M the real “Slim Shady.”
    Not THIS poseur.
    Though you probably COULD say there’s something shady about him.
    You wanna get technical about it, I’m probably “blacker” than he is, too.
    Culturally, at any rate.

  35. 35
    Joe says:

    Do you mind, I was looking forward to dinner.

  36. 36
    illogical says:

    Well at least I think Abbott as the mystery poolside friend can be ruled out since am unsure if she can read.
    Probably his mum- the guys an iron hoof isn’t he?

  37. 37
    gay folks says:

    the other end of u is a.
    in the world of vulva.
    climax like anything else needs a nerve.
    so call your self climax.

  38. 38
    Joe says:

    I’m guessing it’s just another PR stunt to get the views up on her shit New Statesman piece.

  39. 39
    New Statesperson says:

    Oh the drama!

  40. 40
    Anon says:

    He does seem to have funny eyes…

  41. 41
    Reader says:

    Your moniker is sadly turning out to be true. He only had to be more competent than Brown and it appears he is failing to meet even that teeny tiny target.

  42. 42
    Diane is hot! says:

    Abbott by the poolside in a Bikini. Whoarr!

  43. 43
    Chuka Khan King says:

  44. 44
    Paul McCartney says:

    And I bet she only wears half of the shoes she buys, just like my ex wife

  45. 45
    Reader says:


    I was kust scolling down while eating a snack and nearly spat it out on the keyboard. Loathesome woman. Can’t we have a health warning?

  46. 46
    Isn't it past his bedtime? says:

  47. 47
    Gordon Brown says:

    I saved the world.

  48. 48
    Colonel Walter E. Kurtz says:

    The Wrinkles! The Wrinkles!

  49. 49
    BBC Spokesperson says:

    This Laurie girl seems very balanced and reasonable. I think we should sign her up as chief wimmin’s political editor.

  50. 50
    blue velvet says:

    break the knot.
    call yourself “selfie” and feel the vibration.
    call youself soothingly “climax” for a grin.

  51. 51
    BBC News says:

    This is why We employ makeup artists.

  52. 52
    Owen's mum says:

    Why aren’t you in school?

  53. 53
    bergen says:

    For God’s sake don’t watch on a HD TV.

  54. 54
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    Solicitor, work, same sentence. Think about it.

  55. 55
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    Abit like that dopey cow Rowling.
    I gave up halfway doen page 1.

  56. 56

    A deprived area !! deprived of what and by whom?

  57. 57
    Gordon Brown says:

    She’s got a face that looks like a Bulldog chewing toffee.

  58. 58
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    He isnt even as competent as a pile of “brown”.

  59. 59
    Keith Dovkants says:

    I later bought that battered copy on eBay.

    In fact, there was so much of Chuka’s batter on it, when you try to open page 1, it opens on page 39.

  60. 60
    Australian parliament says:

    Rule #1 No Pooftas.

  61. 61
    RSPCC says:

    There are children in Liverpool who don’t have Playstation 4. We have also been informed that some households may not even have an XBox One.

    The government should fund some serious research into best practice to tackle this.

  62. 62
    Don't let the facts get in the way of a tweet says:

    We already have free education.

  63. 63
    Luciana Berger says:

    Chuka chucked me . . .

  64. 64
    Bollox BC says:

    More a face like a Bulldogs arse chewing toffee.

  65. 65

    HRT HRT!!

    But wasn’t Peter O’Toole very pretty says bum bandit Evan Davis on the BBC.

  66. 66

    Or even a 42″ HD flat screen TV

  67. 67
    The General says:

    What he really is trying to say is : ” I am not an arse bandit.”

  68. 68
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Will she be putting this in her flyer when she runs as London Mayoral candidate?

  69. 69
    SevenOfNine says:

    Or a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

  70. 70
    Fishy says:

    No Maria…or was it Angela?

  71. 71
    Japanese whaling fleet says:

    We’re standing by.

  72. 72
    Owen's playgroup leader says:

    Why didn’t you use birth control?

  73. 73
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    So the lad’s not entirely bereft then….

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    Worry not Dave.£27m a year to the Chinese is chicken feed compared to the £50 odd million your sending to Brussels EVERY DAY.

  75. 75
    Anonymous says:

    Oh Chuckie I’m sure your mummy warned you about women.I do hope she wasn’t one of those trashy types,

  76. 76
    Owen's Remedial Eng. Lit. teacher says:

    ” one of my friends”
    Politicians have connections, not friends

    > “I thought it was quite racy.”
    That’s his contribution to Lit. Crit. is it? The vacuous twat.
    His finding it racy is a reflection of his shallow nature.

    “I’m not saying any more.”
    Why tell us even that?

  77. 77
    a mediator says:

    A bulldog’s arse chewing a nettle

  78. 78
    Monica says:

    And plenty of tax

  79. 79
    I M H O says:

    That pic makes him look like a right supercilious full time prat. He should have a serious word with the cameraman.

  80. 80
    Owen says:

    11.28 am is so not past my bedtime.
    In school they call us “students” which means we don’t have to get up till mid afternoon, but mummy always makes me get up at eight o’clock to drive me the half mile to school in her 4×4.
    I’m typing this under my desk so old snotface the maths teacher can’t see. I’m going to be a politicain when I grow up so I don’t need maths.

  81. 81
    Ancient seafarer says:

    Is Fred related to that fab motor of the 50s the Sunbeam Talbot?

  82. 82
    labour are hypocrites says:

    Puts a whole new meaning on the phrase, “spanking the monkey”.

  83. 83
    JH239823590234098 says:

    I remember trying to drive while listening to the BBC parroting the fact that Lily Allen’s new video had ‘ignited a debate’ about sexism and racism in pop blah blah blah.

    No, I thought, as my piss turned to steam. It’s just a huge pile of carefully orchestrated meeeja bullshit to sell a shit record, end of story.

    And they say there is no advertising on the BBC.

  84. 84
    JH239823590234098 says:

    Yeah, with a bit of effort they can end up like that Utopian bastion of socialism next door.

  85. 85
    nmj says:

    I think the cameraman has got it just right; he IS a right supercilious, full time prat.

  86. 86
    Labour Voting Thickos says:

    50 shades of Bullshite!

  87. 87



  88. 88
    MandyPickleSniffer says:

    speaking of vain…anyone catch the X-Factor Finals over the weekend? That ridiculous Sherzingr woman is so up her own arse, she’s embarrassing to watch. Didn’t let the actual X-Factor finalist Sam whatshername get a single moment of glory, as she stole all the best bits of the song for herself. Somebody needs to give her a reality check. Everything she does on that show is all ME ME ME. The desperate attention seeking of an ageing has-been in the twilight of her 15 minutes of fame. Pussycat Dolls? Seriously? And you put yourself up there with the likes of Beyonce etc? Deluded cow. No wonder Lewis H dumped her.

  89. 89
    Jack D says:

    50 shades of gay

  90. 90



  91. 91
    lojolondon says:

    EXACTLY! The general has it in one. Trying to squash the ‘gay’ rumours -

  92. 92
    Keitho says:

    Hahahahahaha !!!

    That was most excellent.

  93. 93
    Cue to be plagued by scabby old bags for a Brown arsewipe! says:

    Labour socialist scum are a plague of of time wasting leeches. What will be will be. Deal with it!

  94. 94
    Slave Labour are a plague of leeches! says:

    All that we have for sure is in the here & now! Everything else is 50 shades of bullshit!

  95. 95
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte says:

    Is this a political blog or a fuckin tv review page,what sane person wathces this shite.

  96. 96
    Luciana Berger says:


    You, horrid, grumpy old man . . .

  97. 97
    Crackatory says:

    I hope you aren’t sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin…

  98. 98
    treetop91 says:

    When will we see the like again ? A working class Labour MP that speaks down to earth common sense instead of media speak soundbites they mistakenly believe will appeal to the people !! Or masses,etc,etc.

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