December 13th, 2013

Nick Clegg: Always Number Two

It’s Friday, so Guido’s going to share this one:

“Last year Nick Clegg pushed past me to go to the toilet on the train and the person inside hadn’t pressed the button to lock the door. Imagine the terrified look of the person sitting there doing their business, when 1) the automatic door slowly opened 2) the person standing in the doorway was Nick Clegg. I tried to diffuse everyone’s embarrassment by remarking on the poor interface design of the toilet locking system, then Nick marched off past me to find another toilet – in a direction I knew for a fact there were no more toilets. A minute later he came back sheepishly and sat back down again. I guess he just held it in for the rest of the journey.”

The innocent bystander telling the story would like to make it clear that no physical pushing took place, merely an inadvertent queue jump. For which Nick is no doubt very, very sorry…

Via Jim Waterson.

52 Comments

  1. 1
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    The bastard has been taking the piss for years.

    • 24
      Nick Cleggo says:

      ESA
      If you have been stupid to work for as long as possible and pay your taxes and N.I. and also be stupid enough to put a little money aside each month for your old age, you really are a Pratt, because if there comes a time when you need help from the state,due to ill health they will say no, you cant work but you have some money in the bank, it doesn’t matter that you have paid in for decades you get nothing.
      A good analogy would be winning the lottery going to the office to collect the money and find that they have looked at your finances and say you have got enough money so we aren’t going to pay out.
      It seems that paying in counts for nothing, but if you are a scumbag with multiple kids from multiple , unknown fathers you are fawned upon and provided with all your needs (alcohol, fags etc.) .
      It’s a great system no wonder the country is on its backside.

      • 26
        Socialism is a severe mental illness says:

        A better analogy: you crash your car, causing £8,000 of damage. You call your insurance company, to which you’ve paid premiums for 40 years, and they say, “£8,000? You can afford that!” and then they hang up the phone.

        • 33
          Sad but True says:

          National Insurance. Why hasn’t Anne Robinson investigated this arrangement where people pay an insurance premium monthly and when they get to that time when they are most likely to need the insurance to pay out they find that the money has all been spent? Yet the FSA never investigates, the Insurance Ombudsman refuses to get involved and the insurance provider itself is never declared insolvent.

          • Quiet Bat Person says:

            This story is a bit of a coincidence!

            Only 5 minutes ago, I went to the bathroom, sat down, and did a huge clegg.

    • 29
      Com U ter says:

      I often find the toilet is the only seat on my train!

    • 43

      YEAH BUT YOU MUST ADMIT HE S A BIT OF A LOOKER .

      JACK ??!!

    • 48
      Mummuy says:

      I wonder how well his crayon book is going?.

  2. 2
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    I was the person sitting there doing my business.

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

    Ha

  3. 3
    Chimpspotter general says:

    Liberal politician hanging around the toilets – deja vu.

  4. 4
    Mark Oaten (LibDem) says:

    Whenever I think of Calamity Clegg, I always think number two.

  5. 5
    Steve Miliband says:

    Wet

  6. 6
    █████████████ says:
  7. 7
    Not our problem says:

    Right, that’s it, Christmas is cancelled. We must all feel guilty about the Syrian refugees instead.

    • 19
      One-term Dave (dragging the Tories to their grave) says:

      By jove, I’ve had a jolly spiffing idea! Should I invite them to all come and live here?

      I’m sure it will make you all jolly proud! The more the merrier, eh, what what?

      Toodle pip!

    • 21
      One-term Dave (dragging the Tories to their grave) says:

      By jove, I’ve had a super spiffing idea! Should I invite them to all come and live here?

      I’m sure it will make you all jolly proud! The more the merrier, eh, what what?

      Toodle pip!

    • 49
      King Saddam says:

      O Fuck Off the more killed the merrier, you useless twats.

  8. 8
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

  9. 9
    Orson Cart says:

    Such a little shit anyway.

  10. 10
    Four-eyed English Genius says:

    Maybe Cleggover should be reminded about what has just happened to the Number Two in North Korea!

  11. 11
    Bonar Law says:

    Let’s make that, “DEFUSE everyone’s embarrassment”.

  12. 12
    Mark Oaten says:

    It was me having a massive dump. It was my fun time.

  13. 13
    A dick, that's what he is says:

    Pissed off Clegg pisses off.

  14. 14
    Anonymous says:

    Probably just did it in his nappy. Makes a change from chucking his toys out of the pram.

  15. 15

    What line is he taking?

  16. 16
    HedgeFundBillionairesShouldBeForcedToPayForMyPenisEnlargementOperation says:

    Other than pushing for non-issues or brain dead ideas like AV, Mansions tax, Tuition fees and pro-Europe drivel, what other gobshite worthless ideas can I come up with to demonstrate to the British public how utterly out of touch my LibDem comrades are with what really truly concerns people, and how else can I show everyone that my party is completely incapable of being anything other than an obstructive whingeing junior partner? Send ideas to any one of my top team, but be quick before they get booted out by some inevitable scandal or another.

  17. 17
    MandyPickleSniffer says:

    Well that explains the shit stain on the train seat the other day….

  18. 18
    Headline of the year says:

    ‘Man banned from every supermarket in Britain for masturbating in Sainsbury’s meat aisle’

    Where else would he do it, eh Mr Dromey?

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/man-banned-from-every-supermarket-in-britain-for-masturbating-in-sainsburys-meat-aisle-9003511.html

  19. 20
    Tristram Hunt (Prime Minister Designate) says:

    Half-hearted clapping at a party conference is punishable by death in North Korea. No one tell Cameron.

    • 23
      Labour HQ says:

      Octogenarian Labour Party members who criticise the Party leadership are manhandled out of Labour Party conferences by private security guards.

      It’s the right thing to do.

    • 44
      surlyscot says:

      Or Kim Jong Fat Boy Salmond

  20. 22
    Long John Silver's parrot says:

    I always thought he wore incontinence pads and now we have the proof.

  21. 25
    A Wanker says:

    ESA
    If you have been stupid to work for as long as possible and pay your taxes and N.I. and also be stupid enough to put a little money aside each month for your old age, you really are a Pratt, because if there comes a time when you need help from the state,due to ill health they will say no, you cant work but you have some money in the bank, it doesn’t matter that you have paid in for decades you get nothing.
    A good analogy would be winning the lottery going to the office to collect the money and find that they have looked at your finances and say you have got enough money so we aren’t going to pay out.
    It seems that paying in counts for nothing, but if you are a scumbag with multiple kids from multiple , unknown fathers you are fawned upon and provided with all your needs (alcohol, fags etc.) .
    It’s a great system no wonder the country is on its backside.

    • 30
      Alexander Fraser Tytler says:

      “A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship.”

    • 34
      Incapable Vince, deputy Chief Cockroach says:

      Also, if you’ve worked extra hard, been fortunate and bought a property in an area where house prices have gone up inexorably, ( thanks in part to the discredited and disastrous economic policies of Brown & Balls ), we’re coming after you with a Home Mansion Tax soon.
      :)

      • 36
        Cato Street Conspirator says:

        Don’t be daft. You paid for it out of the money your old man left you. Nothing to do with your work, hard or otherwise.

  22. 37
    Jack the Ripper says:

    Natural enough mistake for Clegg to make. When he saw “vacant” on the door he thought it referred to him.

  23. 38
    Cabbage says:

    Prob gave him an idea for a toilet cubicle tax ( millionaire lib dems exempt natch… )

  24. 40
    Oscar Pistolius says:

    Someone in the toilet?

    That never ends happily when I’m around…

  25. 45

    Sorry, so sorry for that unintended pooh…oops queue jump.

  26. 46
    Cynic says:

    Personally, I always make it a rule never to speak to little people in proximity to public lavatories. As a Liberal it is best to avoid any misunderstandings on these matters

  27. 47
    Charles Lynton says:

    What’s so wrong with hanging around toilets?

  28. 50
    ChrisL L says:

    I really hate to do this, but there is a difference between ‘past’ and ‘passed’

  29. 52
    Lady Lord says:

    I’m amazed Clegg does not have a train set aside for his unique use.


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Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”



orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?


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