December 11th, 2013

GALLERY GUIDO PMQs SKETCH: Balls Crushed

No howling, no animal noises, no Brueghel peasant carnival atmosphere. It was PMQs but not as we know it. The almost orderly session revealed several new dynamics on the floor of the House.

Ed Balls seems to have been crushed. “Red Ed and redder Ed,” the PM laughed, recalling the pulsing flush that suffused the shadow chancellor last week. And then, more bruisingly,“The autumn statement proved one thing. He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”

True, the shadow chancellor’s hand gestures were so poor he couldn’t have got a job at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. The downward pointing finger was picked up by Cameron – that’s the only direction the Balls career is going.

That’s what caused a little too much visible pleasure in the Opposition leader.


While it’s always a laugh to see Ed Miliband laughing (the teeth promising to jump out of his face and chatter around the desk in circles) it diverts attention from an emerging Miliband.

Because Awkward Ed is evolving quite quickly now into Miliband Mark II.

There are two equal and opposite components in the new model. Ice Pick Ed we are seeing a bit, in and out of the House. This is evidenced by the look of Soviet ruthlessness that crosses his face when he is slighted. A collection of such images will be started in due course.

Less scary, it is possible to glimpse the work in progress that is prime ministerial Ed. The calm, quiet-voiced, in-total-control version that suggests he is so suited to office, he is such a natural, that power will come to him and fall about his body like a well-cut suit.

File that under Audacity of Hope.

Thus, he felt he could say to the prime minister: “Can I urge him to work with me . . . “

Urge him to work with me!

It’s too early to bring this off, but we’ll be seeing more of it.

Although the second new dynamic is going to present Mark II a problem in implementation. The quiet and effortless superioty depends on a rampant Labour back bench barracking loudly enough to make Cameron shout and bark and look flustered.

Speaker Bercow has delivered that Labour racket consistently for some time now, depriving Cameron of his lordly ease. But Bercow has been humiliated recently on several fronts, and has realised the danger he is in from a Tory uprising. So seriously is he taking this that he is now, quite suddenly, reprimanding Labour MPs for their noise-making – and without the cooing, stroking, fawning, he has always used on them. “Our Speaker” as Labour calls him seems to be defecting.

A quieter House allows Cameron’s more attractive qualities to flower. He makes friendly remarks when he can to the Opposition, he praises Meg Munn (and that’s not as easy as it sounds), he teases the Chair (“I don’t know how you’re going to keep us all in order, Mr Speaker.”), and makes a polite, self-deprecating joke (see Quote of the Day).

When calm, he easily outdances his opponent. This is worth bearing in mind, as things go on.


64 Comments

  1. 1
    8!lly says:

    First.

  2. 2
    Mr Dobbs says:

    Who out the pair of them wears the ‘I’m with stupid’ t-shirt?

  3. 3
    purple tie maufacturer says:

    Thanks lads

  4. 4
    Owen Jones says:

    If you want a collection of Ed Milibands various facial expressions why didn’t you ask?
    I’ve got an old Wallac&Gromit Christmas annual knocking around in the loft.

  5. 5
    Fashionista says:

    They match their faces.

  6. 6
    We started the job so we'll finish it...and the country says:

    Gawd help us if these two get anywhere near The Treasury again…the country will be well and truly finished

  7. 7
    AnusButtocks says:

    I cant wait til the fucking marxist little … is in power

    He’ll give No11 to Darling, but they will fall out as Red Len makes ever greater and insane economic demands on the snivelling little Marxist …

    Are we permitted to use the word …?

  8. 8
    I think so says:

    Test:Huhne

  9. 9
    Try again says:

    Test:Hunt

  10. 10
    Mr. Speaker says:

    ” Mr. Wilson, I would much prefer tapes referred to in this house be released in the chamber, and not on an unmentionable blogger’s site”

  11. 11
    Last time says:

    Test:Ed Balls

  12. 12
    AnusButtocks says:

    I want to use ther word … as that is factually correct

    he is a marxist …

  13. 13
    Slave Labour! says:

    ” Urge him to work with me!?” Typical Slave Labour! Unrewarding, time wasting and non profitable. I hope Dave told the communist creep to fuck off and do one!

  14. 14
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    Yes and probably a few Dandy’s and Beano’s in the magazine rack and the bog, you total t**t.

  15. 15
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Agreed, in a rather sadistic way.

    We are still up to our tits in debt and the current lot are simply tinkering at the edges. Cuts? What cuts?

    Add gay marriage, more EU, foreign aid, ‘uman rites, rampant immigration etc etc and you’ve got a country in serious decline. The miserable spectacle of the Heathite Cameron going cap-in-hand to the Chinks last week and calling it “inward investment” says it all.

    So let’s have that silly little nark in power; the sooner we hit rock bottom and come to our senses, the better.

  16. 16
    Roma Bob says:

    Only 21 days to go… YEEEEPE!!!
     
     

  17. 17
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    It is time that Labour had a vasectomy from its past.

  18. 18
    Ed Balls says:

    Mong

  19. 19
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    Both, when stood with Mr Burnham (or insert your own choice of MP/wonk).

  20. 20
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    Stanley Baxter sketch, Italian ice cream vendor to customer: “crushta nuts?”, no laryngitis.

  21. 21
    The BBC causes very serious mental illness says:

    Newsnight covering pollard, featuring the cast of Hi De Hi and a massive tin of whitewash.

    Bring your brushes folks, and get ready to see license fee payers money spunked on another Lord who is shortly to be libeled without mentioning any names.

  22. 22
    Subject: Didn't know they could stack it that tall.
    

    “Our Speaker” as Labour calls him seems to be defecting defecating.

    There! Fixed it for you…

  23. 23

    They did.

    It is simply that they threw away the wrong part.

  24. 24

    Minus the tits, regrettably. :-)

  25. 25
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    No need to squat in his case.

  26. 26
    mingers guild says:

    just a pair of gimpers struggling from fiasco to joke

  27. 27
    Ickle Ed Balls says:

    Test:icle

  28. 28
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    Thinking of Gordon, Tony, David etc. in venereal terms adds a whole new dimension to the concept of cock rot.

    Unless we are talking about Clause IV ? :-)

  29. 29
    Liar.Politicians says:

    David Shameron and Ed Balls-up.

  30. 30
    green ink says:

    weak stuff from farage on the romanain bulgarian migration issues and other posturing ahead of EU elections next may.

  31. 31
    President Clinton says:

    Who the hell is Milliband anyway?

  32. 32
    Aunt Hilda says:

    hes so full of it he never goes anyway

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Ed Balls

  34. 34
    constituency trainbound says:

    some goofy tit with the cling on balls

  35. 35
    Casual Observer 5 says:

    I think that Farage can back down on this as the public backlash will get the message across, and he cannot afford to be seen to have incited that.

    Why the fuck does anyone want those scum bags in en-masse in any case ?

    Vote UKIP

  36. 36
    RomaBob... says:

    Roma Bob ?? Get yer own name….no duplicity here thank you very much !!

  37. 37
    Wait - what! says:

    Explain.

  38. 38

    The means of reproduction? ;-)

  39. 39
    The Last NHS Dentist says:

    I bet those teeth are handy for opening beer bottles.

  40. 40
    Hillary Clinton says:

    He is the one with the good looking brother.

  41. 41
    Ed Milibore says:

    I haven’t been to a pub for 20 years!

  42. 42
    The new Messiah says:

    Send for Bomber Harris.

  43. 43
    The new Messiah says:

    I think green ink must have been hoping for frothing at the mouth and swivel eyes.

  44. 44
    A pair of communist creeps says:

    ” “Can I urge him to work with
    me .” ?

    Who wants to work with a communist creep?

  45. 45
    Ed 'Toss-me' Balls says:

    That’s it mate- be a knob

    Its a fucking joke innit? The joke being Miliband looks like a plasticine figure of himself.
    And Balls..He looks like ‘Butch’ from Tom and Jerry, but in plasticine form.
    So it works well, don’t it?

    You must see that? Unless your sense of humour is as limp as your dick.

  46. 46
    Tom Harris says:

    Actually, in the House, they call me ‘Bummer’ Harris

  47. 47
    Ed, Ed's dead says:

    Can I urge you to wank with me

  48. 48
    Blowing Whistles says:

    You should have gone to speccy savers you commie infiltraitor.

  49. 49
    Sunderland is a Labour ghetto thats why its shyte says:

    A country in serious decline…………if only it was that bad!

  50. 50
    Jack Ketch says:

    As any EU citizen (as well as any Commonwealth citizen-did you know that?) can be a British MP and thus Prime Minister, can that scrumptious Danish bint please be invited here to take over. Her politics may be rubbish, but if we must have c***ts and t*ts on the Front benches, we might as well have useful ones that are worth looking at.

  51. 51
    John Bellingham says:

    Here’s a picture worth a caption.

    (Yeah, I already thought about the what the Danish PM has)

  52. 52
    M says:

    If the 2 Ed’s get anywhere power this counties gonna need more than just a 3rd run way at heathrow , other wise the channel & North Sea are gonna look like
    D Day in reverse .

  53. 53
    M says:

    Vote Ukip or labour = fucked

  54. 54
    Crap 'Ed says:

    Dumb & Dumber!

  55. 55
    Fabians are Evil says:

    The downward pointing finger was pointing to Hell where he and Brown are surely going to end up

  56. 56
    Johan says:

    Another enjoyable sketch, thank you.

  57. 57
    A nincumpoop says:

    Awry. 4/10.

  58. 58
    A nincumpoop says:

    Where’s Simon?

  59. 59

    I have numerous firsts to my name, although I don’t have my notebook to hand so cannot tell you exactly how many. It was much easier when I was in the booth, but since I have been put on patrol/fence duty it is much harder to sit my by Mac refreshing all day. My time will come again, but in the mean time you will have to watch out for the moniker thieves. ;)

  60. 60

    Cat that was a brilliant play on words. Well done. You are such a wit.

  61. 61
  62. 62

    Ha ha ha ha – first class humour!

  63. 63
    Anonymous says:

    MORNINGTON C.You really, need to get out more!If you think there has ever been a perfect country or a perfect economy with milk and honey flowing down the golden pavements of London you are living in cloud cuckoo land.The last 13 years of Labour were 10 times worse than what we have now, with illegal wars, Patients dying in Hospital unnecessarily and Weapons inspectors being hounded to their deaths.The shower on the shadow front bench should have been thrown out at the last reshuffle, they are a fecking disgrace.

  64. 64
    left wing, right wing, they're all turkeys. . says:

    So full of sh1t …
    It’s coming out of his mouth!

    I thank you.


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