SKETCH: PMQs Parliamentary Outreach Programme

With the Prime Minister in China, PMQs was run to a new format.

Hon. Member: Question Number 1, Mr Speaker.

Russell Brand: I’ve been asked to reply.

(Prolonged cheers. Animal noises. A klaxon. A row of minor parties stand up wearing one communal 14-foot moustache to raise awareness for Displaced Syrian Children with Prostate Cancer. Some banner-waving and a fist-fight. An hon. Member plays a trumpet.)

Mr Brand: Okay, I’m reading this off the card. ‘This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues’ – actually some really bizarre people I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There was literally a man there in black tights and a, like, medieval waistcoat – there he is there sitting at the table. ARRGGHH!!!! He really is there, is he? I thought I was back on crack.

Mr Speaker: The Member for Bullingdon West will be pleased to desist in inhaling white powder in the Chamber. Desist. The public detest it! He will desist or leave. This is a not a designated place. He can stop now or leave the chamber, either is acceptable. We are indifferent. Harriet Harman!

The Labour front bench issue a co-ordinated critique of the growth forecasts by hand-jiving.

Miss Harman: Following the hon. Gentleman’s appearances in the media in which he questioned the value of voting, will he say whether voter registration for the general election be higher or lower than last time?

Mr Brand: Why would I even want to know that? Why would you even want to try and get people to register? All you want is to get your hands on the tax base and give it away to people who vote for you — ohhhhh!

Miss Harman: He will not answer the question, Mr Speaker! He hasn’t stood up there and admitted that while he is rich and powerful himself, he will not in reality go though the long, painstaking, unglamorous work of standing up for the weak and vulnerable.

A female hon. Member behind the shadow deputy leader pulls her shirt back over her head revealing very large breasts which she massages in time with Ms Harman’s points.

Mr Brand: But I’m a comedian. I’m an actor. I don’t have to stand up for anyone. I’m saying what I think. And I think we want a socialist egalitarian revolution where energy companies get taxed to the hilt, the planet gets saved, and we don’t have to listen to you lot any more.

Ms Harman: He calls himself a socialist but he has brought socialism into disrepute.

Mr Brand: But then again, it’s not me making animal noises is it? I’m not going hoo-hoo-hoo, like the Gibraltar Chorus. I’m just saying what you’re saying. And I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you but I’m saying I can’t and you’re saying you can, but you don’t, and furthermore . . . .

Hand-jiving. False moustache waving. Two chestnut sellers start a turf war and fire breaks out as the braziers spill onto the floor of the House. Pundits score it 4-2 in favour of Russell Brand.



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

William Hague on Tony Blair…

“To the political law that you can’t fool all of the people all of the time he added Blair’s law – that you can make a very serious attempt at it.”

Top Posts This Week

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.

Facebook

No, Britain Has Not Accepted Just 216 Syrian Refugees No, Britain Has Not Accepted Just 216 Syrian Refugees
POLL SUGGESTS REFERENDUM RE-WORDING HELPS EU-LEAVERS POLL SUGGESTS REFERENDUM RE-WORDING HELPS EU-LEAVERS
BURNHAM WEAPONISES REFUGEE CRISIS BURNHAM WEAPONISES REFUGEE CRISIS
TAIWANESE VIEW ON LABOUR LEADERSHIP TAIWANESE VIEW ON LABOUR LEADERSHIP
GOOGLE’S FUN FACTS: ARE YOU FEELING CURIOUS? GOOGLE’S FUN FACTS: ARE YOU FEELING CURIOUS?
PRO-EU LOBBYIST IN HEART OF WHITEHALL PRO-EU LOBBYIST IN HEART OF WHITEHALL

NONSENSE AND INSENSIBILITY: EMMA THOMPSON’S POETRY PROTEST NONSENSE AND INSENSIBILITY: EMMA THOMPSON’S POETRY PROTEST
ANTI-UKIP BURNHAM V PATRIOTIC ‘PURPLE’ ANDY ANTI-UKIP BURNHAM V PATRIOTIC ‘PURPLE’ ANDY
CORBYN: QUOTING THINGS I HAVE SAID IS “CYNICAL” JOURNALISM CORBYN: QUOTING THINGS I HAVE SAID IS “CYNICAL” JOURNALISM
All Change at News UK All Change at News UK
GDS IMPLOSION CONTINUES GDS IMPLOSION CONTINUES
Virgin Blackmailing Broadband Customers Virgin Blackmailing Broadband Customers
Google Logo Evolution Google Logo Evolution
Corbyn Supporters to ‘Drink Blood of Thatcher’ Corbyn Supporters to ‘Drink Blood of Thatcher’
Government Pleads Guilty to Climate Crimes Government Pleads Guilty to Climate Crimes
New REFERENDUM QUESTION New REFERENDUM QUESTION
“SECURITY” NO. 10’S CORBYN ATTACK LINE OF CHOICE “SECURITY” NO. 10’S CORBYN ATTACK LINE OF CHOICE
Guardian Looking For New Pol Ed Guardian Looking For New Pol Ed
NATIONAL CRIME AGENCY HACKED NATIONAL CRIME AGENCY HACKED
NO CAMPAIGN MAKING FRIENDS: “I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FREAK YACHTING ACCIDENT” NO CAMPAIGN MAKING FRIENDS: “I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FREAK YACHTING ACCIDENT”
CORBYN EQUATES BIN LADEN DEATH “TRAGEDY” WITH 9/11 CORBYN EQUATES BIN LADEN DEATH “TRAGEDY” WITH 9/11
RICH’S MONDAY MORNING VIEW RICH’S MONDAY MORNING VIEW
ENVIRONMENT MAYOR TOTTY WATCH: BRAZIL EDITION ENVIRONMENT MAYOR TOTTY WATCH: BRAZIL EDITION
HAIN GRAVY TRAIN HYPOCRISY HAIN GRAVY TRAIN HYPOCRISY
MONBIOT SKINS & COOKS SQUIRREL ON NEWSNIGHT MONBIOT SKINS & COOKS SQUIRREL ON NEWSNIGHT
DAVE’S CARBON BAGGAGE DAVE’S CARBON BAGGAGE
Daylight Robbery: Met Chain Themselves to £216 Billion 10 Year IT Contract Daylight Robbery: Met Chain Themselves to £216 Billion 10 Year IT Contract
Trumps Hair: Toupee or Not Toupee? Trumps Hair: Toupee or Not Toupee?
BURNHAM BLOWS DOG WHISTLE LINE BURNHAM BLOWS DOG WHISTLE LINE
DCMS FUN POLICE CALLED OFF THE CASE DCMS FUN POLICE CALLED OFF THE CASE