SKETCH: PMQs Parliamentary Outreach Programme

With the Prime Minister in China, PMQs was run to a new format.

Hon. Member: Question Number 1, Mr Speaker.

Russell Brand: I’ve been asked to reply.

(Prolonged cheers. Animal noises. A klaxon. A row of minor parties stand up wearing one communal 14-foot moustache to raise awareness for Displaced Syrian Children with Prostate Cancer. Some banner-waving and a fist-fight. An hon. Member plays a trumpet.)

Mr Brand: Okay, I’m reading this off the card. ‘This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues’ – actually some really bizarre people I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There was literally a man there in black tights and a, like, medieval waistcoat – there he is there sitting at the table. ARRGGHH!!!! He really is there, is he? I thought I was back on crack.

Mr Speaker: The Member for Bullingdon West will be pleased to desist in inhaling white powder in the Chamber. Desist. The public detest it! He will desist or leave. This is a not a designated place. He can stop now or leave the chamber, either is acceptable. We are indifferent. Harriet Harman!

The Labour front bench issue a co-ordinated critique of the growth forecasts by hand-jiving.

Miss Harman: Following the hon. Gentleman’s appearances in the media in which he questioned the value of voting, will he say whether voter registration for the general election be higher or lower than last time?

Mr Brand: Why would I even want to know that? Why would you even want to try and get people to register? All you want is to get your hands on the tax base and give it away to people who vote for you — ohhhhh!

Miss Harman: He will not answer the question, Mr Speaker! He hasn’t stood up there and admitted that while he is rich and powerful himself, he will not in reality go though the long, painstaking, unglamorous work of standing up for the weak and vulnerable.

A female hon. Member behind the shadow deputy leader pulls her shirt back over her head revealing very large breasts which she massages in time with Ms Harman’s points.

Mr Brand: But I’m a comedian. I’m an actor. I don’t have to stand up for anyone. I’m saying what I think. And I think we want a socialist egalitarian revolution where energy companies get taxed to the hilt, the planet gets saved, and we don’t have to listen to you lot any more.

Ms Harman: He calls himself a socialist but he has brought socialism into disrepute.

Mr Brand: But then again, it’s not me making animal noises is it? I’m not going hoo-hoo-hoo, like the Gibraltar Chorus. I’m just saying what you’re saying. And I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you but I’m saying I can’t and you’re saying you can, but you don’t, and furthermore . . . .

Hand-jiving. False moustache waving. Two chestnut sellers start a turf war and fire breaks out as the braziers spill onto the floor of the House. Pundits score it 4-2 in favour of Russell Brand.




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Quote of the Day

Sky’s Faisal Islam on the mood in Parliament at the moment:

“It’s a totally febrile atmosphere here. It’s kind of like Game of Thrones meets House of Cards – and if you chuck in the Labour Party – Laurel and Hardy too.”

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