SKETCH: PMQs Parliamentary Outreach Programme

With the Prime Minister in China, PMQs was run to a new format.

Hon. Member: Question Number 1, Mr Speaker.

Russell Brand: I’ve been asked to reply.

(Prolonged cheers. Animal noises. A klaxon. A row of minor parties stand up wearing one communal 14-foot moustache to raise awareness for Displaced Syrian Children with Prostate Cancer. Some banner-waving and a fist-fight. An hon. Member plays a trumpet.)

Mr Brand: Okay, I’m reading this off the card. ‘This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues’ – actually some really bizarre people I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There was literally a man there in black tights and a, like, medieval waistcoat – there he is there sitting at the table. ARRGGHH!!!! He really is there, is he? I thought I was back on crack.

Mr Speaker: The Member for Bullingdon West will be pleased to desist in inhaling white powder in the Chamber. Desist. The public detest it! He will desist or leave. This is a not a designated place. He can stop now or leave the chamber, either is acceptable. We are indifferent. Harriet Harman!

The Labour front bench issue a co-ordinated critique of the growth forecasts by hand-jiving.

Miss Harman: Following the hon. Gentleman’s appearances in the media in which he questioned the value of voting, will he say whether voter registration for the general election be higher or lower than last time?

Mr Brand: Why would I even want to know that? Why would you even want to try and get people to register? All you want is to get your hands on the tax base and give it away to people who vote for you — ohhhhh!

Miss Harman: He will not answer the question, Mr Speaker! He hasn’t stood up there and admitted that while he is rich and powerful himself, he will not in reality go though the long, painstaking, unglamorous work of standing up for the weak and vulnerable.

A female hon. Member behind the shadow deputy leader pulls her shirt back over her head revealing very large breasts which she massages in time with Ms Harman’s points.

Mr Brand: But I’m a comedian. I’m an actor. I don’t have to stand up for anyone. I’m saying what I think. And I think we want a socialist egalitarian revolution where energy companies get taxed to the hilt, the planet gets saved, and we don’t have to listen to you lot any more.

Ms Harman: He calls himself a socialist but he has brought socialism into disrepute.

Mr Brand: But then again, it’s not me making animal noises is it? I’m not going hoo-hoo-hoo, like the Gibraltar Chorus. I’m just saying what you’re saying. And I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you but I’m saying I can’t and you’re saying you can, but you don’t, and furthermore . . . .

Hand-jiving. False moustache waving. Two chestnut sellers start a turf war and fire breaks out as the braziers spill onto the floor of the House. Pundits score it 4-2 in favour of Russell Brand.



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

GuidoFawkes Quote of the Day

Adam Boulton says David Cameron campaigned as a neo-Thatcherite…

“The manifesto programme, with its sell-off of social housing, clampdown on public sector strikes, EU in/out referendum and benefit cuts, represents a much more traditional, neo-Thatcherite conservatism than that offered by Cameron Mk 1…”

Top Posts This Week

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.

Facebook

Arise, Sir Eric! Arise, Sir Eric!
ENERGY MINISTER TOTTY WATCH CONTINUED ENERGY MINISTER TOTTY WATCH CONTINUED
Stella Grills Dimbleby on Sexuality Stella Grills Dimbleby on Sexuality
New Select Committee Chair Allocation in Full New Select Committee Chair Allocation in Full
Miliband: Don’t Move to the Centre Miliband: Don’t Move to the Centre
Insta-Bunga! Insta-Bunga!

GREEN PAEDO RING RUMBLED GREEN PAEDO RING RUMBLED
BIONIC MAN CONTROLS TWO ROBOTIC ARMS WITH HIS MIND BIONIC MAN CONTROLS TWO ROBOTIC ARMS WITH HIS MIND
TECH NOSTALGIA: LYCOS SELLS ITS PATENTS TECH NOSTALGIA: LYCOS SELLS ITS PATENTS
BIN LADEN PLANNED JIHAD ON CLIMATE CHANGE BIN LADEN PLANNED JIHAD ON CLIMATE CHANGE
CAMERON’S UBER PALS SQUARE UP AGAINST BORIS CAMERON’S UBER PALS SQUARE UP AGAINST BORIS
Andy Burnham: “I Would Follow David Moyes Textbook” in Office Andy Burnham: “I Would Follow David Moyes Textbook” in Office
BBC CLIMATE FORECAST THREE YEARS OUT OF DATE BBC CLIMATE FORECAST THREE YEARS OUT OF DATE
UKIP Latest: Suzanne Speaks UKIP Latest: Suzanne Speaks
24 Hour Drinking: “The Best Thing the Labour Party Ever Did” 24 Hour Drinking: “The Best Thing the Labour Party Ever Did”
Fight! UKIP’s Steven Woolfe v Jean-Marine Le Pen Fight! UKIP’s Steven Woolfe v Jean-Marine Le Pen
Hilton’s Hipsters & High Tories Hilton’s Hipsters & High Tories
Tech City Chair Runner and Riders Tech City Chair Runner and Riders
SHIELDS SHUFFLED UPSTAIRS AS NEW INTERNET SAFETY MINISTER SHIELDS SHUFFLED UPSTAIRS AS NEW INTERNET SAFETY MINISTER