December 4th, 2013

SKETCH: PMQs Parliamentary Outreach Programme

With the Prime Minister in China, PMQs was run to a new format.

Hon. Member: Question Number 1, Mr Speaker.

Russell Brand: I’ve been asked to reply.

(Prolonged cheers. Animal noises. A klaxon. A row of minor parties stand up wearing one communal 14-foot moustache to raise awareness for Displaced Syrian Children with Prostate Cancer. Some banner-waving and a fist-fight. An hon. Member plays a trumpet.)

Mr Brand: Okay, I’m reading this off the card. ‘This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues’ – actually some really bizarre people I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There was literally a man there in black tights and a, like, medieval waistcoat – there he is there sitting at the table. ARRGGHH!!!! He really is there, is he? I thought I was back on crack.

Mr Speaker: The Member for Bullingdon West will be pleased to desist in inhaling white powder in the Chamber. Desist. The public detest it! He will desist or leave. This is a not a designated place. He can stop now or leave the chamber, either is acceptable. We are indifferent. Harriet Harman!

The Labour front bench issue a co-ordinated critique of the growth forecasts by hand-jiving.

Miss Harman: Following the hon. Gentleman’s appearances in the media in which he questioned the value of voting, will he say whether voter registration for the general election be higher or lower than last time?

Mr Brand: Why would I even want to know that? Why would you even want to try and get people to register? All you want is to get your hands on the tax base and give it away to people who vote for you — ohhhhh!

Miss Harman: He will not answer the question, Mr Speaker! He hasn’t stood up there and admitted that while he is rich and powerful himself, he will not in reality go though the long, painstaking, unglamorous work of standing up for the weak and vulnerable.

A female hon. Member behind the shadow deputy leader pulls her shirt back over her head revealing very large breasts which she massages in time with Ms Harman’s points.

Mr Brand: But I’m a comedian. I’m an actor. I don’t have to stand up for anyone. I’m saying what I think. And I think we want a socialist egalitarian revolution where energy companies get taxed to the hilt, the planet gets saved, and we don’t have to listen to you lot any more.

Ms Harman: He calls himself a socialist but he has brought socialism into disrepute.

Mr Brand: But then again, it’s not me making animal noises is it? I’m not going hoo-hoo-hoo, like the Gibraltar Chorus. I’m just saying what you’re saying. And I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you but I’m saying I can’t and you’re saying you can, but you don’t, and furthermore . . . .

Hand-jiving. False moustache waving. Two chestnut sellers start a turf war and fire breaks out as the braziers spill onto the floor of the House. Pundits score it 4-2 in favour of Russell Brand.


  1. 1
    Itchy Scrote says:

    Liquid lunch, was it?

  2. 2
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Far too serious to be an accurate portrayal of PMQs…

  3. 3
    Cor Blimey says:

    Cracking up I would say.

  4. 4
    Incapable Vince, deputy Chief Cockroach says:

    ISSUE PRICE 330p CURRENTLY 586-587p

  5. 5
    Cheers! says:

    I’ll have a of whatever it is that you are .

  6. 6
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    I prefer the version where DPM picks up a .44 Magnum and says I know what you’re thinking in all this excitement did he fire fire or six shots…

  7. 7
    Not the Nick Clegg Fan Club says:

    I’d prefer a version where the DPM picks up .44 Magnum, sticks the business end in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

  8. 8
    Joe Public says:

    Listened briefly to World at One on BBC radio 4 only to hear the screeching alarm calls of Labour’s Rachel Reeve.
    Turned off and on 5 minutes later, listened to the screeching of Labour harridan in chief Harriet Harperson at PMQ.
    Turned OFF then 10 minutes later listened to the screeching Labour harridan Rachel Reeve again. Turned OFF for good.
    Martha (Red) Kearney never learns. She will be buried with a red flag up her bum.

  9. 9
    Midas Touch says:

    I will sell at 600p as will most others.

  10. 10
    blavehad says:

    Re: I’m Depressed | John Woodcock MP

    Depression is often your body and mind telling you need to make changes in your life.

    Being a Labour supporter must bring on depression, it is such a backward way of living.

  11. 11
    That smell of old people - Piss & Peppermint says:

    Put the old senile fool out to pasture.

  12. 12
    Dave, a Fistul of Euros says:

    You’d all best apologise to my Mule.

  13. 13
    Bear in mind she only famous for making cakes.. says:

    Is Nigella admitting to cocaine use to divert attention from her heroin use?

  14. 14
    altruism in industry says:

    whenever I post on here I like to think that in some small way I am helping.
    That is because I feel very proud to belong to England and I want my country and it’s people to do well, to be healthy and creative and to live in the nature amongst all of the creatures that have survived through their success along side us. Of course some bacteria and virus can be our enemy and we can eradicate those but the ones that do us no harm I think we should try to co exist with them because in the future, who knows ? that little shrew might be you.

  15. 15
    Chooseday Wednesdaya says:

    One would hope so because the arsehole that wrote this shit really needs an excuse. I mean it is fucking dreadful, appallingly bad even. The old bloke in the photo seems to be getting on in years, maybe Guido owed him a favor and said he would let him write his stuff here, unfortunately Guido did not know the old fucker is as senile as a piss stained Thatcher and about as funny.

  16. 16
    P l e b says:

    “Banks fined record €1.7bn over benchmark interest rate rigging cartel”

    Do the banks pay these fines using QE money?
    Why didn’t WE fine them and keep the money?
    The EU outdid us.

    Typical of this government.

  17. 17
    Alan Alan Alan says:

    No, the pensioners in Westminster usually smell of expensive wine and the freshly ravaged rectumes of care home k!ds. Just as Ken Clarke, I heard he was known as Hush Puppies long before he started wearing those shoes.

  18. 18
    Sir William Wayde says:

    You can’t really be a socialist with a name like Russell. “Russell Guevara” for instance?

  19. 19
    A Bank says:

    We take it out of Petty Cash.

  20. 20
    Nowt wrong with coke says:

    It’s fun

    British cook Nigella Lawson has admitted taking cocaine but denies being an addict, while giving evidence in court.

  21. 21
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    Nonsense – Less intelligible than the Monday kindergarten sketch

  22. 22
    nellnewman says:

    Unless they start jailing people this will never stop. What a joke. Those lot of banks received 100sx that fine in bail-out monies.
    They must be clinking the champagne and laughing at everybody. The EU is a joke. Our own Government is a corrupted, useless, pile of expense stealing, pointless, nest feathering, spying, lying pile of garbage. .

    Sick of it all.

    Happy Christmas, by the way

  23. 23
    a non says:

    Despite PMTs being many decades behind her HH did her best to turn PMQs into a re-run of ‘difficult times in the month’.
    No wonder Dromey seeks sites for b*g-bl*ck-c*ock on the internet instead of allowing his thoughts to wonder towards white muff diving.
    Never thought I would feel sympathy for a Socialist before. ;)

  24. 24
    Ed Miliband in debt to a bank says:

    It’s the right thing to do.

  25. 25
    Jack Ketch says:

    Which is most expensive? Is the Department of Health planning to have both sold in plain packaging? Can you buy either at Harrods?

  26. 26
    TwATs Endiscope says:

    Hiya TwAT, still no blog I see.

  27. 27
    Harridan Harpic says:

    Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?


  28. 28
    gramma says:

    Must be a very healthy lady who has only dabbled with the drug very occassionally.

    Beautiful picture [on SKY] showing a perfect nasal septum.

  29. 29
    John Bellingham says:

    I have heard that working class people keep their coke in their bathtubs.

  30. 30
    Or says:

    Russell Pot

  31. 31
    altruism in industry says:

    I thought cocaine was non-addictive ?

  32. 32
    John McAfee says:

    You mean Bath Salts?

  33. 33
    Jack Ketch says:

    What a rotten, spiteful comment. Mrs Harman looks fabulous as a woman of soixante-neuf.
    Please note AS, not FOR.

  34. 34
    An awkward bastard says:

    But where does all this money in fines end up ?

  35. 35
    Specsavers says:

    We can see you straight away. However it sounds pretty serious.

  36. 36
    Quiet Bat Person says:

    Hester lost his bonus after RBS was fined last year. Maybe McEwan will lose his this year – we don’t know yet.

  37. 37
    An awkward bastard says:

    Now I am beginning to understand why she was being followed by those police officers this morning.

  38. 38
  39. 39
    (optional) says:

    When will our vile and stupid politicians realize that this is a WAR – with the so-called banks* on one side and the rest of the world on the other side? Is there a single politician out there who has not been bought by the banks? Is there a single country that will stand up to them?

    *Actually they are not banks in any meaningful sense of the word. They are money farms who gorge themselves on a fiat money system that benefits them and the state, who are basically two sides of the same devalued coin

  40. 40
    Gordo Brown says:

    I told the whole world I was going to sell our gold and sold it as cheaply as I could to help all the people who bought it. It was the right thing to do.

  41. 41
    vile labour ruined my wife says:

    A lot of people have pointed out that ‘Farage (Faraj) is Malay for ‘Vagina’. It turns out he’s a Hunt in any language

  42. 42
    kickinthenads says:

    When I worked in investment, people had to be deemed fit and proper to hold important positions.

    Should part of the fallout from this not be that the FSA deems all employees who were, to some extent liable, for this “unfit”?

    And, in order to continue to operate in the UK, that these banks must sack all of those employees. And that includes those at board level?

    Of course, it’s not going to happen. Our politicians have proven over the last 5 years that there’s no price for failure. (But there is a lot of money to be made despite failing.)

  43. 43

    May I remind you of Bertrand, Third Earl?

  44. 44
    Just askin says:

    Just wondering if this happened before Brown stole our money and gave it to the banks, then surely the original shareholders and senior bank staff should, pay up, the senior bank staff were doing it and the shareholders put the senior bank staff in control, I think a better idea would be to send the bailiffs in to Brown and Bliars houses and their bank accounts nd clear the lot out and sell the houses.

  45. 45
    An awkward bastard says:

    Yesterdays woman with yesterdays answers for yesterdays problems at today’s prices.

    Who called the taxi ?

  46. 46
    expat says:

    And in other news, RBS, Barclays, Deutsche Bank, Societe Generale, UBS, J P Morgan, Citigroup and RP Martin have all been found guilty of interest rates rigging in trillion-dollar markets by the European commission.

    The UK taxpayer will be indirectly paying RBS’s fine, of course. I’m glad I left the UK, though things are almost as corrupt over where I am.

    Time to show your appreciation by popping over to The City and unloading a few shotgun cartidges into a few bankers. it’s the only way this sort of thing will be stopped.

  47. 47
    altruism in industry says:

    In my past I have taken every fashionable mind altering drug except amyl-nitrate and I can report that I can imagine amphetamines and heroin being addictive that would be all.

  48. 48
    Mornington Crescent says:

    “Mis-selling”. There is no such word as “mis-selling”; it was invented by the banks and relayed by our sp@stic politicians and MSM to the brain-dead public to redefine what really happened: fr@ud by deception.

    Fr@ud by deception is a criminal offence. We should be rounding these bastards up in black moriahs and throwing away the key. But no…

  49. 49
    Higella says:

    Doesn’t everyone need a pick-me-up with the old Bolivian marching-powder?

  50. 50
    Arm Yourselves 2014 says:

    The poor are demonised by the elite for being scroungers. But the elite are not just scroungers , they’re criminals and war mongers. Yet again nobody arrested. The elite and their media mates try to make out the poorest around the world are living the life of Riley and laughing at the rest of us. Seems like it’s the elite bankers are the ones laughing at us and sticking two fingers up to us as they continue their free rein of financial terrorism. Our British politicians harp on and on about the need to reform welfare as it’s spiralling out of control
    but we see on a week after week basis the bankers greed and fiddling is what’s really spiralling out of control. The banking sector is really what needs reforming not welfare. But the problem is many ordinary people swallow the politicians hatred of ordinary people and until people wake up and see what’s really going on IE , the bankers fiddling , fraud and screwing us all with full backing of the political elite , then nothing will ever change

  51. 51
    Ed Miliband in debt to a bank says:

    See reply 24. I would reply again but I can’t afford the pixels.

  52. 52
    The Truth says:

    She has a champagne taste with someone elses lemonade budget.

  53. 53
    The spacio economic world as we know it says:

  54. 54
    Araucaria says:


    1. Nigel Farage says “Pleb a pert Rat” (6 6)
    2. Cashmere Poet, a 1 Across (4 8)
    3. Needier Cloaca, source of Nigella’s Shame (7 6)

    Really, the world needs more cross words.

  55. 55
    Quiet Bat person says:

    Any chance of a pic of her perineum too?

  56. 56
    Or says:

    Ruthless, evil dictator mends roof with straw (8)

  57. 57
    Quiet Bat person says:

    I bet Dromey supports Tottenham Hotspur.

  58. 58
    Araucaria says:

    A Restitched Villus Ort? Or Thatcher for short.
    The dead – it must be said – inhale little. If at all.
    One was thinking more along the lines
    Of les fleur de mal – as one finds –
    Sprinkled on the cisterns of West Minister.

    The cocaine scandal has not really made sense to anyone yet?

  59. 59
    Jack Ketch says:

    miss-selling is from those wonderful people who invented “mis-remembering” (lying), mis-speaking (lying), mis-quoting (lying), mis-stating (lying), mis-reporting (lying) and mislaying (stealing).

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