December 2nd, 2013

Lammy’s London Policy is Off the Rails

Fiercely bright London Mayor hopeful David Lammy has come up with an ingenious plan to help London’s commuters while on a fact-finding mission to Paris:

Guido cannot envisage a single problem with this plan. He’s sure Lammy has fully costed the proposal to widen and heighten all of those deep tube tunnels that would have to double in size.


  1. 1
    bergen says:

    Someone should remind him to engage brain before opening mouth.


  2. 2
    Jack Dromey says:

    Did someone say Double Dicker?


  3. 3
    Ah!!!!!!!!!! M says:

    They eat Double Deckers up North.


  4. 4
    PM says:

    Double decker trains between London and the north would be much cheaper than HS2.


  5. 5
    A Einstein says:

    Simply, convert all tunnels to quantum tunnels.


    • 14
      Sir William Wayde says:

      They could make the passengers lie down, like on slave ships.


      • 21
        Bilbo Baggins says:

        It would work in The Shire.


      • 32
        The Fantasic Voyage says:

        Or shrink them.


      • 76
        Amazon Warehouse Packer says:

        That wouldn’t save space as people are already packed together vertically at peak times.

        I’m surprised that Lammy hadn’t heard of double-decker trains. They’ve had them for decades in Germany too. Why does he need to be taken on atour to see them?

        I wonder whether Amsterdam has anything we could learn from.


      • 106
        Make Londoner's walk says:

        Now the underground is computerized from tickets to commuter controls don’t allow Londoner’s on if their journey is walkable.

        It would help burn off all this excess energy.

        Head will know what the legs are doing and with practice the head will know what the mouth is doing and better still the hand is doing and control will appear.


      • 119
        dieting may help says:

        If these 16 plus stone chaps and 12 plus stone girls dieted more humans could be squeezed on.


    • 15
      Worm says:

      We can do that.


    • 22
      A joke for clever folk says:

      An electron enters a hotel and says “good evening I have a reservation”

      The receptionist says “Would you like some help with your luggage?”

      The electron replies “No thanks, I’m travelling light”


      • 33
        Then.. says:

        The particle waves goonight


        • 46
          Eddie the Beagle says:

          I think the joke should have been about a photon.


        • 132
          John Bellingham says:

          At the same hotel an atom claimed that he had lost an electron. The receptionist asked if he sure. the Atom said that he was positive.


          • John Bellingham says:

            “We don’t allow faster-than-light particles in here”, said the barman. A tachyon walks into a pub.
            (I have a ten to the power six of ‘em.)


          • Hippo Drome says:

            There was a young fellow name Bright
            who traveled much faster than light.
            He went out one day in a relative way
            and arrived home the previous night.


      • 144
        Donisthorpe boot boy. says:

        A couple check into a hotel. The clerk asks the man if he has a reservation. He replies “yes I don’t think she takes it up the a**e “.


      • 151
        grizzly says:

        An electron enters a hotel and says “good evening I have a reservation”

        The receptionist says “I’m not totally convinced myself”


    • 118
      Captain Kirk says:

      Exactly, Beam them along, Scottie.


  6. 6
    Another Labour Breakthrough says:

    What’s the problem?
    Get people stored on board horizontally instead of vertically!


  7. 7
    Michael O'Leary says:

    Make em all lie on top of each other. Simples.


  8. 8
    Normski says:

    About right for our dim witted politicians.


  9. 9
    Bloomy Berger reporter says:

    I was caught shitting in a public place Guido

    I won my bet


  10. 10
    Cher says:

    Gypsies tramps and thieves
    they’re coming to a city near you next month
    Gypsies tramps and thieves
    and every night the men would come around
    and abuse the females that they found


    • 178
      broderick crawford says:

      Cherie says

      He was born in the van of a travelling show
      His mamma used to dance for the money they d throw
      He then married me and we thought it was cool
      To srew the proletariat from the Front Bench stool


  11. 11
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    So that’s a double decker whammy from lammy. Labour’s tunnel crisis.


    • 94
      Sick of the greed and lies(still) says:

      Labour’s response to the question of paying for it would be to re-introduce the Bank Bonus tax to pay for it. It seems to be used to pay for everything.


      • 179
        broderick crawford says:

        Talking about

        ” paying for it ”

        There is a possibility the Italian Parliament will re – legalise

        ” houses of pleasure ”

        after pressure from the Northern League political oarty.
        These were legal before WW 2 over there and apparently gad the
        ” blessing ” of the Vatican .


  12. 12
    Sob story of the day. says:

    Marie Buchan, 31, who lives with her children aged two months to 12 years in a housing association property in Selly Oak, Birmingham, says she’s struggling. She used to claim £582 a week until the benefits cap was introduced in September, cutting her benefits to £500 a week. Miss Buchan, who owes £600 in bus lane fines and is £2,000 behind with her rent, says: ‘I don’t waste my money – it’s tough bringing up eight children on your own.’


    • 16
      Anonymous says:

      She owes £600 in bus lane fines ? And how is that my problem ? Learn to drive love.

      ‘8 children on your own ?’ Slag.


      • 180
        broderick crawford says:

        Better still luv sell the car pay off the £ 2,600 and get the State to ferry you and the brood around by minicab .


    • 35
      Fed-up taxpayer says:

      “I don’t waste my money”

      No, you waste ours instead.


    • 58
      Mick P says:

      So she’s single then?


    • 87
      The Duke says:

      Just look at the picture of the greedy bitch on the Daily Mail’s website – she wants our money and is completely shameless in demanding it.

      She needs sterilising for a start btw…

      Oh and no surprise that her ex-partner is black and has done a runner and probably not contributing towards the costs of his ugly sprogs.


      • 123
        Will says:

        the poor taxpayer is finally getting fed up with subsidizing the lifestyles of others to have large families. The guardian claims that this is because of the hard hearted nature of people, but I think the problem is that thye never have to encounter these individuals so it does not effect them.

        we cannot have a benefits system that pays out to all if they have not contributed to the system or schools where teachers spend half the time trying to get pupils to speak English or integrate them.


    • 93
      Will says:

      bus lane fines I have a car and have never so far paid bus lane fines, maybe because I make sure I don’t transgress into them.

      Another of the entitled generation,

      How much do the fathers of the 8 children contribute to their upbringing at all or do the taxpayers of this country have to pay as usual.


  13. 13
    Bob Crow says:

    Only if the trains have two drivers!


  14. 17
    David Lammy says:

    Given enough time I’m sure some white bloke will work out the details.


  15. 18
  16. 19
    Trahnsport f' Lahndn innit says:

    Why can’t people stay in one place instead of moving about so much?


    • 26
      Just sayin says:

      Hong Kong has the answer. The ants walk a short distance from a block of flats to a block of offices and home again, ad infinitum.


  17. 20
    Just sayin says:

    From the air, the roof of the Glasgow bar appears to be open ground.


  18. 24
    Wait - what! says:

    Another lawyer that doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, I bet his constituents are very proud.
    Why did he have to go to France (was it at our expense?) when he could’ve Google’d it anyway?


  19. 27
    BBC bum boy says:

    It is all Fachur’s fault


  20. 30
    Gentoo says:

    This idea used to crop up as an April Fool – says it all really.


  21. 31
    golly says:

    Err this Lammy? The 13-Point Mastermind


  22. 37
    Nigel S says:

    Too metrocentric, not everyone commutes on the tube, it would work on HS1 and HS2 of course.


    • 39
      One-term Dave says:

      Aha! See? See? Everyone! See? Someone’s interested in HS2!! I told you someone would be!

      Ha ha ha haaaa! I’m vindicated! Oh, happy day! Ooh, I’m so happy I could smash a restaurant, I really could!


    • 57
      Think of a number and Log it. says:

      Well Done Nige. You have just quadrupled the cost of HS2 now that all tunnels will have to go deeper in order to be larger, all cuttings will have to be enlarged, all bridges revised and all stations re-designed. Not forgetting all the extra power required to propel the bulk of a double decker at half the speed of sound. You are sure there are enough Brummies wanting a day in the smoke to fill it?


      • 65
        Nigel S says:

        No that is the standard gauge to which HS1 has already been built. You know, the one that arrives at St Pancras.


        • 68
          Nigel S says:

          Don’t any of you have computers with Google or a basic knowledge of the history of railways?


        • 71
          Hercule Poirot says:

          Does St Pancras actually exist, or is it one of those fictional stations that only exist in Agatha Christie novels?


        • 91
          Might as well future proof says:

          Never been to St Pancras in me life Nige, so no, I don’t know it.

          But would have thought in the case of HS2 then four tracks would be sensible, plus a water main to supply London with water from the North, a super electric extension lead, a cycle track and a canal.


  23. 42
    David too many Tweets makes a Twat Cameron says:


  24. 43
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    Got something I need to say…not been an easy decision to make, hope you can support me! :)

    I’m a “One Term” Prime Minister.


  25. 44
    Anonymous says:

    hes been watching to much doctor who. thinks the tube is a tardis


  26. 47
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    BBC one o’clock news.
    The governments measures will see energy bills rise less. Not £50 off the bill.

    Knock £50 off the tv license tax, NOW!


    • 97
      Will says:

      I know lets reduce the licence fee by £120 and save all households who pay it some money !!

      Put lord pattern on £50 a day plus oystercard capped a daily amount.


  27. 52
    Toby says:

    Not to be too much of a pedant but this is slightly unfair on David Lammy. The trains pictured are for the RER, not the Metro. The RER is their version of Crossrail which they built ages ago….


    • 66
      Nerd Alert says:



    • 82
      Brown Envelope says:

      David Lammy might like to ask around as to what the geological features of Paris are that differ from those in London before spouting his stuff.

      Where we should be fair though, is that like many MPs he has probably not been on the underground in London very much and not given these matters much thought.


      • 88
        The only good MP is a dead MP says:

        “like many MPs he has probably not been on the underground in London very much and not given these any matters much thought.”

        There we go, sorted.


        • 101
          Brown Envelope says:

          Thank you. As you are probably aware, I usually get slipped into their pockets with a nod and a wink – there is very little discussion or thought going on when I am brought into things.


    • 86
      Mornington Crescent says:

      True – but it’s Lammy that’s linking the two, not Guido.

      Crossrail should indeed have double-decker trains – a criticism you should address to the Government that approved it: Labour.

      Better still, if the same Labour Gov hadn’t jam packed this country full of the world’s flotsam and jetsam, overcrowding wouldn’t be such a problem.


  28. 55
    Fbi says:

    Lammy should stayed in london to protecy LU booking offices from closure and stop all strikes. Is trip paid for by the unions


  29. 62
    NOT nellnewman says:

    Make the train run sideways. That way the length will be the height.


    Next problem?


  30. 64
    Handycœck says:

    There are better places to go abroad if you want to visit dark damp ‘tunnels’



  31. 75
    Err says:

    It looks like you have to be obese before you win the Euro Lottery. How do they fix it?


    • 147
      John Bellingham says:

      They have ticket machines at the Take-Away shops or the machines are next to the chocolates and the crisps at the convenience shop.


  32. 77
    Anonymous says:

    There are overground trains in London too…


  33. 80
    altruism in industry says:

    I hope all the Churches have bolted down every altar adornment.


  34. 89
    P l e b says:

    So lets gets this right. Its actually taxpayers who are paying for the reduction and NOT the utility companies.

    And where has this money come from ? Cutting benefits for the poorest so that they are even less likely to be able to heat their homes ?


    • 95
      Mitch says:

      They’re increasing other taxes by £50 so that this particular tax can come down. You might conclude that that’s a con..


      • 104
        Spinmeister Flash says:

        Or you migt concur that the effect is ‘progressive’ in that higher rate tax payers will pay more for this than lower rate taxpayers.


      • 108
        Vote UKIP - it is your duty says:

        Yes the 1% who pay 30% of the taxes will be paying for it. Good socialist principles. Is that why you are complaining?


    • 99
      CMDD says:

      Even I could not work that out so succinctly ……….

      but bum sex is much more important to my dysfunctional so called Government….

      Number 8, 17 & 69 chop chop


  35. 92
    • 126
      Will says:

      this is why most people try to avoid the frightbus in London, but we cant all claim taxis on expenses


  36. 102
    Jeremy Clarkson says:

    Turn the tunnels into cycle lanes…that’s my suggestion.



  37. 103
    Obvious ages ago says:

    Tom Daley is gay, what a surprise.


  38. 113
    Bob Crow says:

    Change anything and we will be on strike comrades.
    By the way I’m struggling to heat my council house, getting by on a 6 figure salary isn’t easy.


  39. 117
    Caradog says:

    This the brainbox who thought there was something racist in the black or white smoke during the election of the new Pope!


    • 120
      Tristram Hunt(Prime Minister Designate) says:

      I assume you have a degree in Philosophy. Would that be a rude question?


  40. 138
    R. Dentposter says:

    Is it just my laptop? But does anyone know why this blog always jumps back halfway up the page when it resets after a comment is added?


  41. 146

    A real Whammy Lammy. Who paid for the trip?????


  42. 154

    Perhaps he’s gotten a little confused after watching the Doctor Who specials, and is terribly convinced that the carriages are “bigger on the inside”.


  43. 164
    Trumpeter Lanfried says:

    They tried double deckers on the Southern Region in the 1950s. They didn’t work. The top deck was cramped and the passengers took so long to embark and disembark that there was no increase in capacity. They soon pensioned them off on the Dartford Loop.


  44. 167
    john in cheshire says:

    What does ‘fiercely bright’ mean? That he thinks he’s bright and will punch anyone who says otherwise?


  45. 168
    john in cheshire says:

    Here’s a question : who would you prefer to be on a desert island with : a possibly grumpy engineer who can do things that make life easier or a superficially pleasant but lippy politician who tells you he can make life easier?


    • 188
      Non taxable pikey says:

      No contest, the world is run by grumpy engineers, not politicians. See what’s happening in Venezuela. Oh no you can’t see because the lights have gone out. Engineers, we have the power and don’t you bloody well forget it.


  46. 170
    Milli's Banana says:

    Just a thought – He may not actually be referring to the underground but thos London commuters who come in overground from outside London….


  47. 176
    Richard says:

    David Lammy? Fiercely bright?

    Jesus H. Christ, who thinks this stuff up? He’s as thick as a bucket of rocks for God’s sake!


  48. 185
    Another train spotter says:

    Oh well-nobody has said yet that French trains (in fact all European trains) are built to a bigger loading gauge than British ones. So there’s no room for a double deck train on our tracks (some people have mentioned the unsuccessful Southern Railway one in the 1950’s). So, unless you go back and rebuild the entire railway system all over again, it’s a non runner. It is unfortunate that nobody told him this simple fact.


    • 190
      Richard says:

      He wouldn’t understand it if you did. All he’s aware of is his own genius: he’s “fiercely bright”, apparently. He was also once tipped as the first black P.M. Now, there’s something to look forward to! Just when you thought babe-magnet Blair (who, by plausible repute, didn’t know they spoke Portuguese in Brazil until he became P.M.) and Cameron were bad enough …


  49. 186
    broderick crawford says:

    So the French Building built in 1370 which was later a famous prison figuring as a catalyst in the French Revolution was ……. The Grande Palace de Versailles!!!!

    As John Humphries would say on the TODAY programme … ” Well yeeeeeeees …”

    Lammy, Health Secretary , followed by Burnham

    No wonder the NHS is on life support !!!


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