November 26th, 2013

Order of the OTT: Salmond’s Joan’s Post-it Note

Alex Salmond’s favourite columnist Joan McAlpine is getting very excited about today’s white paper published by the SNP. Here she is getting more than a little carried away in her piece for the Daily Record this morning:

“It makes America’s historic Declaration of Independence look like a Post-it note.”

No greater enemy to freedom for Scotland than the SNP themselves.


  1. 1
    All the world says:

    let them gooo nooooow

  2. 2
    Daniel Day Lewis says:

    “It makes America’s historic Declaration of Independence look like a Post-it note.”

    I hope they never make a movie based on this. I’d have to eat like a pig for 5 years beforehand to do the part.

  3. 3
    Londoner says:

    if it’s such a good idea, why are Scots living in England being denied a vote?

    Or English people, for that matter?

  4. 4
    Vote UKIP - don't get Heir to Blair says:

    I assume if the Scots get independence the SNP will probably want to change its name. I suggest the Socialist National party.

  5. 5
    A Man From Slough says:

    It’s a small country – with minds to match.

  6. 6
    Let the Guardian stop banking with the Co op says:

    Apparently the SNP will disband post-independence, their mission accomplished. Salmond himself has repeated this claim on more than one occasion and of course we should believe him…excuse me whilst I remove the pig sh*t from my window ledge.

  7. 7
    Jock Strap says:

    For the love of God, go forth and become independent!

    The English cannot wait to be rid of the whinging Scots.

    Jock off matey!

  8. 8
    Anonymous says:

    The SNP are nutters end of.
    Us Jocks will be staying in the Union .

    Andy Edinburgh

  9. 9
    Wanda Ringhands says:

    “They can take away our subsidy, but they’ll never take away our freedom!”
    “Wait! Say that bit about subsidy again”

  10. 10
    Wanda Ringhands says:

    I want to know why the Scots can leave the UK but the UK can’t make the Scots leave?

  11. 11
    Keitho says:

    God knows how it has come to this.

    One little man’s resentment painted as a national project. Mugabe would be proud.

    No doubt there will be no shortage of drunken under achievers ready to cheer this on but you have to wonder what it will improve for the Scots even though the advantages to the English are glaringly obvious.

    What the hell was Cameron thinking when he agreed to this. More conservative MP’s?

  12. 12
    Vote UKIP - don't get Heir to Blair says:

    The Scots keep bleating on about ‘their’ oil and gas (which is declining rapidly) but surely it belongs to the international oil companies unless the SNP have plans to nationalise them all. And the Scots will have to take their share of the £1.2 trillion debt the UK has. They should also have to pay for the debts of RBS and the part of HBOS that was Scottish. The sooner the Scottish MPs fuck off back to their native land the better as well.

  13. 13
    Nicola Stergene says:

    That monetary union between independent Scotland and rUK, in full:

    – Common monetary policy for Scotland and the rUK, to be conducted by the Bank of England in Scotland’s best interests;

    – Common monetary policy for the whole Sterling zone despite Scotland and rUK pursuing fundamentally different and divergent fiscal policies (based on the successful experience of the Eurozone);

    – Scotland to have an equal say (& veto) in appointing the central bank Governor and Monetary Policy Committee members (despite having only 9% of the sterling zone’s population);

    – The Common central bank to act as at as lender of last resort/bailer-out of Scotland’s banks, at the rUK’s expense.

    We have no plan B for the negotiation, as this is not necessary. We have already decided the outcome of the negotiation. These terms are to accepted by the rUK in full, as I know that it is in the rUK’s best interests to accede to our demands.

  14. 14
    Donald MacTrump says:

    As I said to a Scotchman whilst in Edin-burg,
    “excuse me madam – which way to the airport?”

  15. 15
    Brave heart of England says:

    They may take their freedom , but they can’t take our MONEY to do it .

  16. 16
    Ctesibius says:

    Samuel Johnson: “There are many fine prospects in Scotland, but the finest of all for a Scotchman is the road to England”.

  17. 17
    altruism in industry says:

    to be fair she was probably talking about the size.

  18. 18
    Nicola Stergene says:

    Because that’s just the way it is. We can unilaterally take your country (Britain) and flag (Union Flag) away from you, and also dictate the terms of our future co-existence as separate states, both pursuing policies in Scotland’s best interests.

    By the way, if the soon-to-be rUK want to know the outcome of the negotiation, just drop us a line and we’ll let you know. This’ll spare both sides the formality of holding negotiations, given that we’ve already decided the outcome and the transitional timetable.

    All the best

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    Salmond wants a large increase in Scottish immigration but assures his people there will be no border posts between Scotland & England. How can he know this? Once Scotland is independent, England may feel it is necessary to introduce border posts if his new immigrants decide they don’t want to stay in Scotland after all.

  20. 20
    Rule Britannia says:

    Small, 30,000 sq miles as against England’s 50,000 sq miles, tweedledum and tweedledee methinks.

  21. 21
    Nicola Stergene says:

    Yes we can. It’s all part of the negotiation outcome that we’ve already decided for you, given that we know that it’s in the rUK’s best interests to act at all times in the best interests of an independent Scotland.

  22. 22
    Hail Caledonia. says:

    From Caledonia, the Essenpee are f’cked they know it, referendum’s lost. Still they and the EDL are well matched in nationalist stupidity.

  23. 23
    England says:

    I think we should not negotiate.

    Just let the pies and chips lie where they fall, probably in a twenty-five mile long queue on the northern side of the border.

  24. 24
    Diogenes says:

    In which case have an English referendum to leave, you’ve as much chance of winning as Baw Jaws Salmond.

  25. 25
    Disgusted says:

    Enjoy your wind farm utopia dearest porridge w’ogs, i’m looking forward to a reduction in the national debt.
    Also an even more welcome reduction of tartan labour empees.

  26. 26
    Mr Chips says:

    Check out free movement of Labour in the EU.
    Alumnus of Winnie Mandela comp?

  27. 27
    I hate Illinois nazis says:

    W’ogs? Fortunately I know that you’re unrepresentative of anyone but your fellow EDL slime.

  28. 28
    Thomas McJefferson says:

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Scots are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights:

    – the right to live in a low-tax, high-spend society, with low corporate and personal tax rates to undercut our competitors, but Scandinavian levels of social expenditure

    – the right to set the terms of a common sterling zone and monetary policy for Scotland and rUK despite Scotland pursuing different fiscal policies

    – the right to have a separate state but keep all the benefits of still being in the UK.

  29. 29
    Cymro oddi ar y llinell says:

    What’s the policy on Irn Bru and deep-fried Mars Bars?

  30. 30
    Labour has the MOST to lose from Scottish Independence says:

    “What the hell was Cameron thinking when he agreed to this. More conservative MP’s?”……why ask the question ? It’s.blindingly obvious with the Labour Party currently fielding 41 MPs representing Scottish Constituencies plus 11 LibDems and 6 SNP who will all cease to be able to sit at Westminster wef 24 March 2016 if Salmond wins the referendum i’s unlikely that Labour will EVER be able to form a majority government ever again at Westminster given the inbuilt Tory majority in England especially south east.

    Even given that Labour is possibly likely to win in 2015 it’s likely that their majority would be less than the present number of Scottish MPs so effective 24 March 2016 they would, if in government become a “minority” government or have to rely on a rump of LibDems and odds and sods and whilst they might teeter on for months they would always be prone to losing a confidence motion or a vote on the budget

  31. 31
    Ippikin says:

    Some Post-It note – silly woman!

  32. 32
    Braveheart was just a movie...THIS is real life says:

    Well given Balls’ effect on the Labour-LibDem negotiatons in May 2010 to try and form a Lib-Lab Coalition I wish you well with attempted negotiations to joing a sterling union if Balls is Chancellor as he’s has already indicated(as as Osborne) that ANY union is unlikely and if it was it is NOT likely to be on terms advantageous to an independent Scotland

  33. 33
    Whinging non-Londoner says:

    L-nd-n is the vile sulphurous pit of all evil, corruption and moral turpitude, a suppurating boil poisoning and devouring the wholesomeness that surrounds it. Anyone who chooses to live in such an infamous den of iniquity should be disqualified from voting.

  34. 34
    Sam the Skull drinking Buckfast in Maryhill says:

    “Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough”

  35. 35
    Rick the Roman says:

    There is a serious point in all these shenanigans – this is about the break up of the United Kingdom, why are not the Welsh, English and Northern Irish being consulted?

  36. 36
    Sam the Skull drinking Buckfast in Maryhill says:

    Along with all the empty bottles of Buckfast.

  37. 37
    surlyscot says:

    the size of her head you mean – she’s just like the rest of the Politburo,
    thick and stupid.

  38. 38
    Nicola Stergene says:

    More scaremongering from ‘Project Fear’. I have already told you that any outcome will be in Scotland’s best interests, because that is what we have decided.

  39. 39
    The English Public fed up of subsidizing Scotland says:

    MUST you ? We were rather hoping that you’d leave

  40. 40
    surlyscot says:

    Nooooooooooo its the SCOTTISH NATIONAL POLITBURO don’t you know! red in tooth and claw and just about as democratic.

  41. 41
    (Not so)Dangerous Brian says:

    President Salmond maybe? Or the Last King of (a very fuc*ed up) Scotland?

  42. 42
    The English Public fed up of subsidizing Scotland says:

    We wish you well in your endeavours…..

  43. 43
    Anonymous says:

    It’s only free movement of labour for EU citizens. If Salmond allows in every waif and stray from around the world where do you think they’ll end up without border controls?

  44. 44
    Sam the Skull drinking Buckfast in Maryhill says:

    “No doubt there will be no shortage of drunken under achievers ready to cheer this on”


  45. 45
    Nicola Stergene says:

    There is no need to consult you. We can take your nation (Britain) and your flag (Union Flag) away from you unilaterally. We already know that it is in the rUK’s best interests to acquiesce to an independent Scotland’s demands. Any suggestion to the contrary is pure scaremongering from ‘Project Fear’.

  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    If this independence comes to pass it looks like Scotland will become more authoritarian with each passing year. It’s going to make 1960’s Ireland look like a stag night in Amsterdam.

  47. 47
    Axe The Telly Tax &Religion &Kill All Eco-loons says:


  48. 48
    Axe The Telly Tax &Religion &Kill All Eco-loons says:

    So if the UK wishes to leave the EU the whole of the EU should be consulted?

  49. 49
    MB. says:

    Unfortunately the most supposedly patriotic ones tend to live abroad, not pay taxes etc, so perhaps a good thing they don’t get the vote.

    Bit like a British general election being decided by criminals living in Spain.

  50. 50
    Sam the Skull drinking Buckfast in Maryhill says:

    Alexander Elliot Anderson “Alex” Salmond
    also known as “Ally” or “Allie”

    We’ll o’er the water,
    We’ll o’er the lea,
    We’ll o’er the water to Allie.

    Come weal, come woe,
    We’ll gather and go,
    And o’er the water to Allie.

  51. 51
    Greyfriars Bobby says:

    Who’s barking?

  52. 52
    Nicola Stergene says:

    Scots only consume such unwholesome comfort foods because they are driven to despair by the vicious policies pursued by Westminster, which offend against Scots’ innate values of egalitarianism, fairness and social justice.

    In an independent Scotland everyone will have optimal cardiovascular health and increased life expectancy (with the extra pension expenditure financed by the limitless bounty of our energy resources).

  53. 53
    MB. says:

    He always reminds me more of Kim Jong-un – his official portrait on Wonkypedia looks as airbrushed as the ones you see of Chinese and Korean leaders!

  54. 54
    rab c nobblit says:

    what is it then Joanie?

    a wee betting slip?

  55. 55
    MB. says:

    Small in population and economy compared with England.

  56. 56
    Mike Oxenfire says:

    Fuhrer Salmond, more like

  57. 57
    Pete says:

    Steam engine, telephone, radar, penicillin, The Black Watch, heroics in two world wars, first UK European Champions in Celtic, North Sea Oil, the television, umpteen radical leaps in medicine…..what have these fools ever done for us?

  58. 58
    Sam the Skull drinking Buckfast in Maryhill says:

    The latter goes well with Buckfast.

  59. 59
    George says:

    Great lets be rid of them seems they did it for Scotland, like support anyone but England they don’t dualify for anything .

  60. 60
    George says:

    Who are We?

  61. 61
    George says:

    SDems; you speak for all Scotland

  62. 62
    George says:

    Wow clever you

  63. 63
    George says:

    Well said

  64. 64
    Aristander of Telmissus says:

    As an Englishman, I joined the SNP last year for one overwhelming reason. I hope that after all their whingeing they win independence, after which we should take the greatest pleasure in driving every single Jock back north of the border on the point of a pitchfork. I’m sharpening mine right now. That Idi Amin and Robert Mugabe: now, they had the right idea about dealing with self-righteous, opportunistic, foreign carpet-baggers picking the pockets of the indigenous population.

    Awa’ back hame wi’ ye.

  65. 65
    George says:

    mmmm thats well thought out we should just consider that

  66. 66
    George says:

    mmm; could you be thinkingof “Sir Sean Connery”?

  67. 67
    Brian says:

    Ok, apart from Steam engines, telephones, radars, penicillin, The Black Watch, heroics in two world wars, first UK European Champions in Celtic, North Sea Oil, the television, umpteen radical leaps in medicine…..what have these fools ever done for us?

  68. 68
    Annoyed, of Bridgend says:

    You take the high road
    And we’ll take the low road
    And then we’ll block the bloody road behind you.

    So long Scots, come back when you’ve stopped watching ‘Braveheart’ and thinking it was real history.

  69. 69
    Since you ask says:

    Lumbered us with Blair, Brown, Darling, Campbell, Reid, etc etc etc ad infinitum.

  70. 70
    Thomas McJefferson says:

    When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one man to dissolve the political bands which have connected nations with one another, and to presume to stand among the powers of the earth, taking to himself the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God have not entitled him, and believing that a decent respect to the opinions of pollsters requires that he should declare the causes which impels him to that separation.

    I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (and wymmin) are created equal but some are more equal than others, and that these latter are endowed by their ego and ideology with certain unalienable Rights – or is that lefts? -, that among these are a loud mouth, a large expenses portfolio and the pursuit of power.
    –That to secure these rights, socialist Governments are instituted among Men (and Wymmin), deriving their excessive powers from the consent of the governers,
    –That whenever any other Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People’s President to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the Safety and Happiness of their Powers and Expenses Claims. Prudence, indeed, as that great man Gordon McBroon said, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, of course, phfft, as if we’d do that!; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind (and wymminkind) are more disposed to suffer the devil they see than the devil they don’t, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations have denied me power, and pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce me under absolute Despotism, it is my right, it is my duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for my future security.
    –Such has been the patient sufferance of me, sorry, this land; and such is now the necessity which constrains me, err, them to alter the former Systems of Government. The history of the present Prime Minister of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations to my deserved benefits, refunds, demands and general all-round whinging, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over this land.

  71. 71
    Rhody Dendron says:

    Did you check with the North Korean 5th Brigade first – just to make sure they are free and that……?

  72. 72
    Calidius Eroticus says:

    I think you would get a better response if it was not for the fact that you will all start voting for Labour again.

  73. 73
    Calidius Eroticus says:

    They have aided Labour in its continuing quest to destroy England and rob the English people of their identity. Obviously a lot of English have also done the same.

  74. 74
    broderick crawford says:

    define the city limits of said infamous den please.

    are we talking inner city hackney and lambeth or does this also include areas of surrey kent and middlesex ?

  75. 75
    Johnny Foreigner says:

    “I want to know why the Scots can leave the UK but the UK can’t make the Scots leave?”

    If England wants a vote on independence the answer is simple.
    1) STOP voting for the useless idiots you continually vote for.
    2) Vote for the English independence party (I’m sure there is a gaggle somewhere in Englandstan.

    Or you can continue to do what every other Englandstaner is doing. Bitch and moan about how your own sad lives are the result of Johnny Foreigner.

  76. 76
    Rudolf McHess says:

    Die Fahne Hoch…

  77. 77
    Concrete Joan says:

    The SNP have enough problems coping with immigration from England, and Ireland, let alone other parts of the EU.

  78. 78
    lojolondon says:

    She is right in one sense – the USA Declaration of Independence is one page long.

    Can you imagine the SNP delivering value like that?

    In terms of importance, however, the SNP white paper is a post-it note, even to Scots!!

  79. 79
    MB. says:

    It is suggested that an independent Scotland might choose that terrible dirge ‘Flower of Scotland’ as National Anthem. This celebrates a vicotry over the English so should the missing verse be re-instated in God Save The Queen?

    Lord, grant that Marshal Wade,
    May by thy mighty aid,
    Victory bring.
    May he sedition hush,
    and like a torrent rush,
    Rebellious Scots to crush,
    God save the King.

  80. 80
    majorfrsutration says:

    “Set my people free” let the idiots go, otherwise we will end up wasting more money on them. Give them what they wish for – but not the pound or Queen -having already bailed out the Scottish Banks no reason hereafter to bail out Scotland

  81. 81
  82. 82
    PC Dixon says:

    She got wrong didn’t she – arrogant twerp

  83. 83
    PC Dixon says:

    However why can’t Cameron let then just go – save us billions, make more jobs for all our Bulgarians and Romanians and clear all those bloody stroppy socialist Scots out of our English Parliament

  84. 84
    Nemesis says:

    All UK voters should be allowed to vote on this so that it will be almost guaranteed that the miserly, miserable Scots will be kicked out and forced to live amongst themselves. As for wanting to keep the pound and the Queen, fuck off Salmond once you’re on your own means just that so get your own currency and your own head of state! Fucking fat little Scottish goblin.

  85. 85
    Tom Catesby. says:

    Don’t you worry Daniel, a regular ration of fried mars bars and fish suppers, we’ll have you up to weight in no time flat.

  86. 86
    Cinna says:

    And what about this? Are the English to carry on subsidising them when they’ve b*****ed off?

    From BBC News:
    During a question and answer session following the launch of a long-awaited white paper, he said Scotland would be entitled to a share of UK assets, and that included the BBC and its output.

    Mind you he can have all their output so long as I’m not paying for a licence to support it!

  87. 87
    Joan McSilly. says:

    Is it incorrect, but I’m sure Iheard that nice Bill Turnbull say this morning that the jock diaspora, will get a vote, but not if they have sense enough to live in England?

  88. 88
    A Maimed Badger says:

    I seem to remember the Declaration of Independence was mostly signed by people of Welsh Extraction not Jocks.

  89. 89
  90. 90
    Son of the Rock says:

    You know that if the Scottish press were as investigative as the London Press, the relationship between Ms McAlpine and Salmond would have been fully exposed by now. Wonder whether Mrs Salmond (several years older than the FM) would be impressed

  91. 91
    Nemo May says:

    I think Mr Salmond thinks he is going to run a parish council.
    He will have about as much independence with this manifesto.

    If you want independence (without fighting for it), then you better have a brilliant future planned. You should have a completely new banking model, for cheese’s sake your own ruddy money, a strong, independent judiciary, a brilliant education system creating generations of talented creative thinkers, a low tax regime to encourage adventurous initiatives, a hands-off government, and a powerful constitution.
    And then you must make things and sell them abroad.

    If you aren’t going for that from Day One, frankly you shouldn’t bother.

  92. 92
    Hacked Off says:


  93. 93
    (That's enough Eds, Ed!) says:

    Am I the only one to not be able to take Wee Eck seriously? There’s just something about the bloke.

  94. 94

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Alan Milburn says Labour’s scaremongering campaign for an unreformed NHS will not win election…

“It would be a fatal mistake, in my view, for Labour to go into this election looking as though it is the party that would better resource the National Health Service but not necessarily put its foot to the floor when it comes to reforming. Look, reforms are not easy, but the Labour Party is not a conservative party. It should be about moving things forward not preserving them in aspic. You have got a pale imitation actually of the 1992 general election campaign, and maybe it will have the same outcome. I don’t know.”

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