October 10th, 2013

Non-Leveson-Compliant Sketch
(With Topless Counsel and Hot Tubs)

Sir Brian Leveson’s clever strategy with his committee appearance was to stand on the Fifth (see Quote of the Day).

For the first long sequence of answers to Tory questions he confined himself to variations of “Quod dixi, dixi.” In English, “Read the report, you lazy tossers!”

But he was happy to answer Labour’s Ben Bradshaw as though he was being paid by the word.

Labour heads nodded sagely as he repeated his owlish judicialisms, and a chorus of Core Participants in reserved seats (two thirds of the public seating) chuckled supportively.

Tory Conor Burns wished the Inquiry had never been constituted. The criminal law could have cleared up the evils complained of.

Tory Tracey Crouch struck a spark. The three existing media regulators all had a different definition of “public interest”. So, was it possible to design a regulatory regime without a single definition of this important principle?

We had got along for years without such a definition, Sir Brian observed.

Yes, but we’d also got on for years without a Leveson-compliant regulatory regime.

Sir Brian’s decision not to engage in the cage-fight of public debate started to look understandable. He’s not very good at it.

Philip Davies’ audience enjoyed his impression of examining magistrate with his full array of contemptuous insinuations, nasty innuendoes and (best of all) insolent incredulity. Sir Brian didn’t like it one little bit.

The details are too many for this sketch but the general idea was that their Bonking Barrister’s Crafty Counsel’s Plea was for More Sex, We’re Solicitors! And Brian, the innocent old booby was in it up to his apricots.

Sir Brian doesn’t realise how these things work. If politicians are given a stitch they’ll eventually make a net.

As for not adding any kind of gloss on his report: “I should like to think the general public is sufficiently sophisticated to know what the general issues are.”

Of course he’d also like to think the general public reads Le Monde, eats Sartre sandwiches and is saving up for a Chagal.


  1. 1
    T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

    Odi profanum vulgus et arceo.

  2. 2
    What a plonker. says:

    What a waste of public money ,judges and lawyers with
    their snouts in the trough.

  3. 3
    Norman Baker MP says:

    You are speaking in tongues, probably because aliens from the 58th dimension are using your mind as an antimatter transmitter conduit to broadcast their message of terror to the people of Earth.

  4. 4
    EU Watch says:

    One should not overlook the fact that the EU wishes to have press regulation across the Eurozone:


    The EU wants the ability to be able to fire journalists also:


    The Leveson inquiry and recommendations is a trojan for this aspect of EU interference being brought into the UK.

  5. 5
    Sir William Waid says:

    The Leveson enquiry is only suspended, you know, as the lawyers munch through a few tons of gooey sub-judice buns. Goodness knows what wizard japes and unworkable wheezes the old duffer will come up with in Leveson Enquiry II.

    I blame Cameron. The old ploy of avoiding an issue by setting up an enquiry only works if everybody has lost interest by the time the report is eructated. That was never likely, with the Graniad and its broadcasting arm, the BBC, in full burning-cross mode.

  6. 6
    Horace says:

    It’s one of mine.

    Anglice: “I hate the rabble and keep them away.”

  7. 7
    Drake's Drum says:

    I am surprised that the ‘general public’ is able to read at all. More shag-all than Chagal.

  8. 8
    Tsunami says:

    I have a large curry trump trapped in my trunks

  9. 9
    Nobby says:

    So while in charge of the inquiry he expected newspaper executives to know every minute aspect of their business over a number of years previous yet when he is asked he won’t recall last years events for fear of getting it wrong.

    *slow hand clap*

  10. 10
    Jabba Le Chat says:

    You paying this bloke to write this stuff Guido to increase the blog readership?

    Hmm…methinks you might be increasing the Grauniads readership if he doesn’t start delivering soon…

  11. 11
    The EU says:

    We will close down all newspapers that have been critical of the European Union.

    In their place, all citizens of the EU will be auto-subscribed to the new Brussels daily, “Die Sturmer“. Your subscription will cost €500 p/a.

    Unsubscribing would be.. unwise.

    That is all.

  12. 12
    Mad Dog says:

    Dave should have realised that something was going badly wrong when the tame judge he had appointed started biting him.

  13. 13
    Chukka Umunna says:


  14. 14
    Anonymous says:

    This sketch is terrible. Is this what we’re to expect?

    Save us.

  15. 15
    Guido says:

    He’s new to this.

    And bad at it.

  16. 16
    Casual Observer 3 says:

    This is another example of Labour essentially leading the coalition.

    Dave only called this investigation in response to Tom W’atson’s question raised in HoC.

    That the Tories have been running Labour policy is central to the farce of UK democracy since Brown slipped into and clung to power.

  17. 17
    FFS says:

    Blimey, that’s a lot of newspapers you’re gona have to shut down. We’ll be left with the Guardian, Viz and Racing Weekly.

    I can’t see it going down well with Rupe and Mr Dacre.

  18. 18

    I suggest that Mr. Carr needs more pixels to develop his themes. He seems to be pushed for space.

  19. 19
    Dave's own goal says:

    Dave should never have allowed himself to be manipulated into the Leveson inquisition anyway.

    But when a PM sides with the McCanns and the Alan Partridges he deserves all he gets.

  20. 20
    Casual Observer 3 says:

    He’s giving it a good shot. Nice to see different style.

    However, more actual detail on what was discussed, particularly with Bradshaw, would have been good.

    Summary of the above:

    Leveson answered B’radshaw but otherwise kept shtum and told the cttee to read the report.

    Chairman was spineless mong.

    Cttee seemed generally unsure of why this new framework was being discussed.


    Fill rest of column with some actual detail on mutterings, and a bit of background on the Common Purpose infiltration of media regulators and activist groups, EU interest in censoring press. Add some juicy gossip, like reminding how the report was in part cut and paste from wiki, and featured a suggestion for dispatching P!ers Morgan and summary of the h’acked off gallery of rogues and the Fab!an connection which perhaps drags Ed Ba!!s into this directly.

    Done :-)

  21. 21
    Sophisticated member of the public says:

    As long as the Bad Idea T-shirts babe puts in the occasional appearance, I’ll be back.

  22. 22
    Long Grass says:

    Oh gone on then. Just this one.

  23. 23
    EU Watch says:

    The EU wish to do this across the entire Eurozone.

    This is a lot of newspapers.

    Note that it is an initiative led by ex-leaders of the old communist bloc countries (who were quite into this sort of thing) who have somehow (they were not elected) found their way into the commission.

  24. 24
    Eh! says:

    I thought McCann was m0 d d e d

  25. 25
    Brian the Marxist says:

    There can’t be that many far left Judges in the country, so why Dave had to pick the one is beyond me.

  26. 26
    Mr Ruffbadger says:

    Leveson was more ” Quod scripsi, scripsi”.
    Words attributed to one P Pilate .

  27. 27
    AB says:

    Has to end. Bring back Guido.

    We come here for sharpness, humour and sass.

    If this is the new diet, I’m leaving. I suspect I will not be alone.

  28. 28
    Surely he saw this coming says:

    Are you suggesting that siding with child killers and sex perverts that would rather not have their privacy invaded might have been a bad move on the part of Cameron?

  29. 29
    Simon says:

    thumbs up

    thumbs down

    What do you expect for a fiver?

  30. 30
    FFS says:

    I’m wondering if I can photoshop my wife’s boobs to look like that….

  31. 31
    Casual Observer 3 says:

    You means sides with h’acked o’ff, or allows himself to be pushed around by them.

    The following joke is another Dave legacy:

    What do you get if you cross a failed actor caught with a hooker, parents who staged a child abduction, a phone company deleting a dead girls voicemail, an unfunny idiot, a fab!an witch with a chip on her broomstick and the Sun ?

    ** censored **

  32. 32
    Your Lord Leveson. says:

    A waste of a significant part of my life.

  33. 33
    FFS says:

    Something tells me their over-reach will be quite useful to us of a Euro-skeptic persuasion. Rather as their over-reach on the Euro paid dividends.

  34. 34
    Horace says:

    Parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Ergo cui bono?

  35. 35
    Biased Broadcasting Corporation says:

    Don’t agree. Really nice to hear from a different voice who is where it’s all happening, so to speak, and can give us their impressions.

  36. 36
    There's more out than in says:

    I met two guys near the Golden Gate bridge that told me the Moonies were using thought lasers to control people’s minds.

    I expect that’s what’s happening here. Seems plausible anyway.

  37. 37
    Casual Observer 3 says:

    Giz a job :0

  38. 38
    FFS says:

    I thought it was OK after I read it the second time, except for the paragrpah that included “apricots” where it seems Mr Carr lost the plot a bit.

  39. 39
    Bilda Berger says:

    At least he knows English grammar and has a sense of rhythm, unlike our portly host and his portly sidekick. Nice line in cynicism too.

  40. 40
    Maximus says:

    Who knew the Deutsche Demokratische Republik was the envy of Europe?

  41. 41
    FFS says:


    Oh that’s quite a clever one.

  42. 42
    Call a fat cunt a fat cunt says:

    Portly is as portly does.

  43. 43
    I Lkes it I do says:

    Yes I reckon it’s OK too. Just different from the normal Geedo brand.

  44. 44
    Shocked of Sheen says:

    Whatever happened to that lovely Nomates gal?

  45. 45
    Err says:

    Wasn’t it the police who did the deleting?
    Just asking

  46. 46
    The British media are cunts says:

    Be very interesting to see how the Guardian gets away with betraying state secrets once it comes under government control.

    That should be a hoot.

  47. 47
    Teddy says:

    This thresad is bare

  48. 48
    Maximus says:

    It seems he doesn’t much like Philip Davies. Which is fine by me, though I would have enjoyed some of what Davies actually said.

    But the idea that I need to be told whether to like or dislike my former MP is simply patronising – a bit Levesonic of itself.

  49. 49
    Jimmy says:

    Some of you are very cruel. Do you think he wants to be here? He used to be a real journalist. Given the economic performance of this government, anyone seeking work is likely to have to lower his sights. Those willing to swallow their pride in order to support themselves deserve our praise, not our contempt. Shame on you all.

  50. 50
    Anne Diamond says:

    Appearing on the Leveson Show resurrected my dead career and for that I am grateful to his Lordship

  51. 51
    Maximus says:

    Dozy Dave increasingly resembles the Dormouse in Alice.

  52. 52
    Jackpot says:


    Witty, clever and funny.

  53. 53
    Displaced Brummie says:

    Simon Carr. Thank you for introducing me to his writing, Guido.

    I can see why politicians of a certain type might have something to fear from his sketches, as he draws then in their blood, weak though their blood might be.

  54. 54
    My Y**disha Momma says:

    How many other witnesses who come before this committee will simply be able to effectively say “Piss off and mind your own business?”

    I thought the whole point of these grillings was to elicit answers from those before them. Is there some equivalent of contempt of court [committee?] that might be invoked to get this idiot judge to answer ALL the panel’s questions and not just the ones he seems to like?

  55. 55
    David Camerön says:

    So true LOL

  56. 56
    Point of Information 7 says:

    Weren’t the current economic conditions created by your lot Jimmy ?

    Admit it is a bit unfair to accuse Labour of being Brownite, but there does appear to be quite a lot of evidence laying around.

  57. 57
    Maximus says:

    Lower his sights, learn to go down on one knee, doff his cap, tug his forelock, and learn that the noblest sight of the high road to England is a figment of his febrile imagination, eh Jimmy?

  58. 58
    Cue BBC wank fest in 5, 4, 3, 2, says:

    WTF ?

  59. 59
    A Sketch containing a myriad of stories says:

    OK by me. The more you read his sketch the more you see in it.

  60. 60
    David Icke says:

    56th Dimension you moron.

  61. 61
    Word to the wise says:

    Their big sponsors have abandoned them. But stick within what is in the public domain if you don’t like them just to be safe. (The gloves one suspects are coming off)

  62. 62
    Voyeurism is not a victimless crime. says:

    What drivel is this? Pretentious and downright boring!

  63. 63
    Whatever it is that Jose is on. I want some says:

  64. 64
    Mong Watch says:

    So Jimmy, are you suggesting he goes to mumsnet, like Newsnight did ?

  65. 65
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Yes, they are rather succulent, aren’t they?

    I notice she doesn’t get ‘em out on the beach, tho’ – boring.

  66. 66
    Herman Achille Van Rompuy says:

    PS – Send Money

  67. 67
    Boris - you know you want to says:

    Make mine a reach around.

  68. 68
    Bert Russell says:

    The worth of Dave’s promises would fit in a teapot from a dollshouse with room to spare.

  69. 69
    Mornington Crescent says:

    And a waste of a significant part of our taxes, you Hunt.

  70. 70
    Doris Day says:

    Que sera, sera

  71. 71
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Due to the economic circumstances, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

  72. 72
    Voyeurism is not a victimless crime. says:


  73. 73
    Sir William Waid says:

    It’s nice to read somebody on this blog who can spell and write a sentence correctly.

  74. 74
    Sir William Waid says:

    I.e. If something doesn’t work, keep plugging away with it regardless.

  75. 75
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:


  76. 76
    Mong Watch says:

    Even with context, this is like he is trying to compete with the harder Monday morning cartoons, but in prose.

  77. 77
    Labour's supporters are subhuman retards says:

    “Given the economic performance of this government”

    The economy’s one of the fastest-growing in the world, Jimmy. The International Monetary Fund has upgraded its growth forecasts for the UK by more than any other advanced economy. Our deficit is shrinking at a faster pace than any other in the developed world.

    Ed Balls was – unsurprisingly – utterly wrong. Labour’s reputation for economic competence – what little there was of it – is destroyed.

    But, you know, don’t let the facts get in the way of a bit of Rightie-bashing, eh, Dimmy Jimmy?

  78. 78
    EU Watch says:

    In Spa!n they are trying to tax it:


    I am being serious.

  79. 79
    Biased Broadcasting Corporation says:

    Maximus, Philip Davies is a libertarian and if you’ve seen him on the CMS Committee is a fierce critic of the Labour/BBC/Guardian/Hacked Off Axis of Evil. I’m very glad to hear that he gave Leveson the going over he deserves for jeopardising the freedom of the press in this country. And I’m glad we got to hear about it from Simon Carr.

  80. 80
    retardEd Miliband says:

    Well, yeth, in ethenth. You thee, thothialithm hath never worked, it hath alwayth failed. BUT! It ith appealing to fairly thimple-minded people thutch ath mythelf. And tho, I thall “BRING BACK THOTHIALITHM”, and thith time it might jutht work.

    And if it doethn’t, the Conthervativeth can clean up the meth.

  81. 81
  82. 82
    M102 says:

    Ain’t it ironic how the Nobel pe@ce prize winner has to have a security team.

  83. 83
    Malala says:

    I need this like a hole in the head.

  84. 84
    Sigmund Freud says:

    Carr is a latter day John Junor/Bron Waugh mix.
    He and Carswell only buggers worth reading

  85. 85
    Jimmy says:

    Gordon saved the world

  86. 86
    Jimmy says:

    Not at all. Obviously I can understand why he might have wanted to hold out for something better, but in this climate, and at his age, I think he was probably wise to take what he could get.

  87. 87
    Jimmy says:

    Hello Gideon.

  88. 88
    God must be a pretty crappy bodyguard says:

    Yes, but not as ironic as the 6-inch thick bullet-proof windows on the Pope’s car.

  89. 89
    FFS says:

    You’re still on the weed I see.

  90. 90
    Grrr says:

    Can we please abolish all print media and just have Red Ken’s monthly Marxist rag.

    It praised Chavez, National Socialism and the wonders of Ken’s rejuvenating healing hands as he healed the sick and smited the evil Tory enemy.

    Oh what a paper that was!

  91. 91
    Anonymous says:

    I think it was because Ed Milliband banged on about Millie Dowler for weeks on end, actually.The fact that her phone wasnt hacked anyway doesnt seem to have filtered through to some.

  92. 92
    Anonymous says:

    Do grow up ! shouldnt your Mum have collected you from Nursery by now anyway ?

  93. 93

    This fucking enquiry seems to have been going on since about AD1742 am sure one day it will feature in History books(if the subject is still being taught) to bore the arses of generations of undergraduates.

  94. 94
    A stripper says:

    Not all voyeurism is a crime

  95. 95
    Satan The Elder says:

    Arrogant arse expulsion!

  96. 96

    Sir Brian’s decision not to engage in the cage-fight of public debate started to look understandable. He’s not very good at it.

    Got it in one!

  97. 97
    Smacked Toff says:

    Declined a public Q&A debate on publication and instead disappeared to the other side of the world. Ostrich attitude says a lot about the plan.

  98. 98
    Labour's supporters are subhuman parasitic mong scum says:

    Hello, mong.

  99. 99
    Jabba Le Chat says:

    It looks like he’s displaying the classic trait of the British worker, minimum amount of work for the maximum amount of money…

  100. 100
    but more importantly says:

    It hasn’t stopped him earning a shed load of money.

  101. 101
    Anonymous says:

    Gosh. If I didn’t trust the government I might think that there was a conspiracy to muzzle the press by lcommon purpose neo-marxists

  102. 102
    Anonymous says:

    Fastest in a race if snails.

  103. 103
    Anonymous says:

    I just switch off with these. Sketches work whem you have the normal report somewhere else. That isn’t this. It’s just confusing andup its own arse. I thought this blog was about keeping politics in touch with people, not pandering to the Westminster village.

  104. 104
    The Moneyman says:

    But did it reveal where he had hidden his accounts?

  105. 105
    Fan Bwoy says:

    Guido this chap sounds like he writes below the line a lot…

  106. 106
    Biffa Bacon says:

    Viz and the Racing Weekly is f^cking fine with me.

  107. 107
    Pundit Too. says:

    I listened on the Telegraphs real time network for 20 minutes and it was so dull. Leveson went from being totally on the ball to a characterization of Uncle Cable in not remembering things and pawing through transcripts.
    Most of what he said to generally inane questions was basically “I cannot possibly comment on this issue” coupled with “what I said in the report still stands”.
    No one as far as I know asked him about his strategy of bias towards the “evidence” from zzzzz celebrities and thus fostering such enitities as Hacked Off; nor his knowledge of the political chaos he was causing, though he was proud of one quotation from John Major in his long summary.
    This was critical based on the fact he escaped to Australia immediately the Inquiry was over and the report about to be published.
    Then Ben Bradshaw asked questions that were so ridiculous one wonders about his intelligence. The responses were so pedestrian that I turned off.

  108. 108
    Pundit too too. says:

    Wrong medal.
    Taliban have also now placed a death threat on her.

  109. 109
    Pundit Too says:

    However you forget to mention that he started it and ran away just before publication.

  110. 110
    Biased Broadcasting Corporation says:

    Sorry, but the sketch is perfectly coherent if you have a rudimentary knowledge of the main protagonists.

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