PM: 9 Journalists Stopped By Police at Tory Away Day

According to Tory MPs in the room, the Prime Minister just told them that nine journalists have been “stopped” by the police for trying to infiltrate their away day conference. The PM said:

“I don’t know if they were tasered”

The news was met with a resounding cheer. They have been warned to be careful who they speak to in bars and restaurants. There is an unconfirmed rumour doing the rounds that some of the journalists have been nicked. Developing…

Guidogram Going Out Shortly

The Guidogram round-up of the week is going out shortly. All the latest on Miliband’s Millionaires and more…

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Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop. You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…

Adam Afriyie Surrenders

The uprising is over, the rebellion defeated. In the mud, lies the tattered flag of Adam Afriyie’s insurgency. The wannabe PM has all but conceded defeat this afternoon and is calling for party unity:

“With Ed Miliband’s leadership ratings in the deep freeze and Labour’s dire mid-term polling figures it is easy to forget that an unthinkable Labour Party reoccupation of Downing Street is a distinct possibility. This risk must sharpen our minds. It must bring conservative-leaning people together. Whatever the differences on the centre-right, we cannot allow a Labour-led government … That is why all Conservatives must come together to make sure that the hard work and difficult decisions of the last three years are not put to waste. Now is the time to focus again on the Labour Party and its plans for state control, paternalism and socialism. … I have no doubt that if all conservative-thinking people were united behind the Conservative Party we can deliver and EU referendum, win in 2015 and continue the painstaking but rewarding work of getting our country back on track.”

Where does collecting letters of support and then keeping them locked in safe rank on the scale of party unity?

Gibraltar’s New Gung-Ho Governor War Hero

Lieutenant-General Sir James Benjamin Dutton has been appointed the Governor of Gibraltar today, to take up the position later this year. Sir James served in the Royal Marines for 37 years, most recently in Iraq and Afghanistan. His message to the Spanish government is clear:

“I am delighted and honoured to be going to Gibraltar, especially given its historical connections with the Royal Marines. I hope that my many years of military experience… will equip me well to deliver the Governor’s role and responsibilities toward Gibraltar and the United Kingdom.”

Which roughly translates to don’t mess with him…

Life Imitates Art at Tory Thought Camp

Guido is told by exasperated sources that there is very limited mobile phone signal at the Tory away day. Here is a dramatic reconstruction of events in Chipping Norton this lunchtime:

Yes and ho…

Labour Interim Union Report is Clueless

Labour’s Lord Collins of Smeargate, who is charged with the unenviable task of drawing up exactly how the party will smash the union link, has published his interim report on the subject.

It has no firm conclusions, no recommendations and appears to be just a list of questions.

Collins asks members for so much feedback and so many contributions that it reads like he has bitten off more than he can chew.

In summary, it would appear they have no idea what to do.

And You Thought the Worst of the Cuts Were Over

Since Guido questioned just what was going on with George Osborne’s footballers that look like lesbians’ hair cut last week, coif connoisseurs have been queueing up to pass judgement. Brent Pankhurst of Pankhurst Barbers delivers his cutting verdict to GQ.

“This looks like its been cut by a ladies’ hairdresser to me. It’s far too round on the sides and with that flick-y bit at the back it’s all a little drag queen-ish. It just looks like Anne Diamond’s hair.”

Catwalk hair stylist Matt Mulhall snipes:

“Wispy feathered sides and back on a man of a certain age is a definite no-no. It’s so bizarre.”

The fashion police have spoken…

Quote of the Day

Graeme Leach slams HS2:

“We might as well knock down Birmingham and build it twenty minutes closer to London, and do it for less than £50bn.” 

Lee Jasper in Bad Taste Shocker

Disgraced Ken Livingstone aide and master of bad taste Lee Jasper has outdone himself today. Tony Blair’s daughter Kathryn has been held up at gunpoint in an attempted mugging in Marylebone, so how does the musical Mancunian respond to the […]

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At Least Seven Millionaires in the Shadow Cabinet
Thirteen Other Miliband Millionaires Around the Labour Leader

The Sun this morning points out it’s not just the Cabinet that is stuffed with millionaires. Crunching their numbers, there are at least seven in the Shadow Cabinet, and Ed has surrounded himself with another thirteen millionaire advisers or supporters. […]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Miliband is asked if he knows what ‘Yolo’ means by Time Out:

EM“No. What does it mean?

TO: “It stands for You Only Live Once.”

EM: “Is that right? That is a good philosophy for politics! It’s about a sense of adventure and doing what you want. Wow! I’ll use it from now on!”

TO: “Please don’t.”

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