September 13th, 2013

Lord Splash-Croft


  1. 1
    I Know the feeling Lord Ashcroft. Diane Abbott says:

  2. 2
    LBB? says:

    Too late


  3. 3
    Ed Miliband says:

    Ashcroft doesn’t need a laxative, he should try making an anti-union speech to the TUC.

  4. 4
    Ed Balls says:

    “The High-Speed Gravy Train” is flat-lining

  5. 5
    Casual Observer says:

    Confuscius for a modern age ?

  6. 6
    To be fair says:

    She always has clean hair. Changes the wig every day

  7. 7
    DtP says:

    As my old boss used to say ‘Ricky, there’s absolutely nothing to get old for’. Bog time in a morning is the cider apple quickstep these days – best laxative money can buy.

  8. 8
    Shit The Bed says:

    Wise words, but why would anyone want to share that?

    Regardless of how useless he is on so many levels, Cameron was (for once) bang on the money when he said that too many tweets make a twat.

  9. 9
    Filbert Gibbler says:

    Only a person such as Ed Balls would put that sort of post up against the subject of the message.

    Message is another word for the same problem of course…

    But then Ed Balls always talks poo anyway!

  10. 10
    Lifting the vell says:

    A conspiracy by ITV to improve the Corry ratings. Simps.

  11. 11
    Jing Aling, New Emperor of China says:

    Do not take the name of our Confucius in vain

    He could think

    And you decadent Westerners can no longer think, believe in nothing, represent nothing and have no long-term answers

    PS We make everything for you already

    In the future, we wil think for you

  12. 12
    Mitch says:

    Except, it isn’t a new one.

  13. 13
    Lord Plagiarist says:

    Never eat yellow snow.

  14. 14
    Gordon Brown, UN Special Envoy for Edukayshun says:

    Hey. I’m the authority on poo, prunes and prudence.

  15. 15
    Scrumps says:

    You’ll never have constipation if you drink a few pints of apples a night. That’s for sure.

  16. 16
    Editor of the Tatler glossy mag says:

    We love Lord Slash-Croft

    He is the Tories’ answer to Lord Cashpoint

    We will have a photo of them kissing on the next edition of our dirty mag

  17. 17
    Productive says:

    Eat lots of beetroot. Jet Propulsion Lab isn’t in it!

  18. 18
    Old Dog says:

    Never suck brown snow.

  19. 19
    Baroness Warsi says:


  20. 20
    Brucie Bonus says:

    Diane Abbott’s wig is as believable as her socialist sincerity.

  21. 21
    Here's an idea says:

    Lib Dems demand ‘super mansion tax’ for £4million homes to counter claims their figures don’t add up

    Lets call it stamp duty.

  22. 22

    Guido wouldn’t recommend six pints of Guinness and a curry either…

    So why keep doing it?

  23. 23
    Mark Oaten says:

    No comment.

  24. 24
    Reader says:

    I have to say this for the man, he does give some very sound advice.

  25. 25
  26. 26
    Lexander says:

    So he shit the bed. What’s new? FFS

  27. 27
    Toby Young and Dan Hodges says:


    Since you have not given us our critical 23 seconds of fame today

    We would like to tell you that we had lunch at Claridges yesterday

    We discussed how lonely life is without a political party, how deep is our moral crisis, wifeswapping, life peerages and oysters

    We have spoken…

  28. 28
    Gordon's nurse says:

    You did a very good poo this morning, Gordon, very firm, to too stinky.

    But please, not in my desk drawer again.

  29. 29
    F1 Fancy That says:

    I didn’t know that Eddie Jordan wears a wig, and rotates 3 versions to simulate growth.

  30. 30
    Dissatisfied consumer says:

    “PS We make everything for you already”

    Yeah, and it falls apart in about 5 f*cking minutes.

  31. 31
    Skint Civil Servant says:

    LOL, brilliant!

  32. 32
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    So good you can shit through the eye of a needle :-)

  33. 33
    Words of Wisdom says:

    I was once reliably informed by a chav that 5 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale the night before childbirth is not a brilliant plan, either.

  34. 34
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    Don’t go where the huskies go.

  35. 35
    Bill Croft Liverpool says:

    The introduction of plastic banknotes is bound to lead to an increase in money laundering.

  36. 36
    Mustapha Djinn says:

    Why should a politician need a laxative ? They spout shit most of the time. As for a sleeping pill, just read a collection of party conference speeches. Any party.

  37. 37
    Mark Oaten says:

    It’s lovely on a hot summer day. A Mr Whippy 99 never quite hits the spot.

  38. 38
    Ed Balls MP says:

    I hope we can burn it like the paper stuff!

  39. 39
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    A tape of Miliband or Rachel Reeves should do the trick.

  40. 40
    Jackboots, Alky Campbell, Straw's brat, that midget manc woman etc says:

    Perhaps this will teach Brillo to stop inviting criminals onto his show almost every week.

  41. 41
    Guido's confessor says:

    Have you gone Buddhist, my friend?

  42. 42
    Ed Balls MP says:

    But you didn’t make an anti-union speech, you bottled it!

  43. 43
    Typical MP says:

    Pukka..Now we can chop up our marching powder and snort it with the same fifty pound note.

  44. 44
    D.Finkelstein & D.Aaranovitch says:


    Since you have not given us our critical 23 seconds of fame today

    We would like to tell you that we had lunch at the Ritz yesterday

    We discussed how lonely life is without a political party, how deep is our moral crisis, wifeswapping, life peerages, oysters and el al flights

    We have spoken…

  45. 45
    Pan Scourer says:

    If it is a wig. Then why did he pick a brillo pad?

  46. 46
    Vote UKIP get Hard Labour says:

    MPs do that every night. Just listen to the debates.

  47. 47
    Dave should resign now says:

    Referring to the sh!t storm heading towards Westminster ?


  48. 48
    Jihad watch says:

    University of Brimingham backs down on burka ban.

    Click, another notch.

    (Nothing on the web yet)

  49. 49
    FFS says:

    Yeah you make everything for us then give it to us for money we just printed. Suckers!

    I don’t know why China doesn’t simply rename itself “Poundland” and be done with it.

  50. 50
    DtP says:

    That made me laugh probably a bit too much. I know mums usually shit themselves during pregnancy but drunken projectile shitting had never really occurred! ‘It’s a boy covered in shit’ – argh, the most natural thing there is.

  51. 51
    Andrew Rawnsley, Johann Hari, Lauri Penny, Andrew Pierce says:


    Since you have not given us our critical 23 seconds of fame today

    We would like to tell you that we had lunch at the Ritz yesterday

    We discussed how lonely life is without a political party, how deep is our moral crisis, wifeswapping, life peerages, oysters and el al flights

    We have spoken…

  52. 52
    V1le disgusting toxic Labour trashed my Country says:

    I’m still laughing at the Hackney Hippo nickname.

  53. 53
    A. Rusbridger and J. Ashley says:

    Sorry we missed you at the Ritz. We’re still in our second homes in the Cotswolds. Didn’t make it back from the gastro-pub after too much champers.

  54. 54
    Away on Business says:

    If you think the crap they sell in Poundland is bad, you should see the stuff they make that is not for export.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Just Friday 13th.

  56. 56
    FFS says:

    The Muzrats have them surrounded. Banning the burka in Birmingham is like standing up in Mecca with a magephone and telling the passing citizens that their prophet was a child molestor. Top marks for having the balls to try it though.

    Personally I think the Muzrats are doing themselves no favours at all. The more loony they behave the more likely their own followers will turn away from them. However, it seems the mnore people turn away from Islam, the more loony the behave. It’s a viscous circle leading to an existential crisis if you ask me.

  57. 57
    Eels says:

    it’s Ok, you just get a s**t nights sleep that’s all.

  58. 58
    Anonymous says:

    Rumour has it that the downing street team are struck down with this problem every wednesday about twelve noon and they don’t even take pills.

  59. 59
    Casual Observer says:

    Their religion is founded on such lunacy.

    Only solution is for them to go.

    Radicalize and pay for a one way trip to somewhere like Syr!a. This is roughly what Saud! did to create mujah!deen in Afghan!stan back in the 80s and recently in Syr!a. Only make sure they do not survive this time.

  60. 60
    jmf says:

    Never take Viagra with a Diuretic.

  61. 61
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Their religion is founded on such lunacy.”

    All religions are

  62. 62
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Does she wear a wig down below as well?

  63. 63
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    That’s painful

  64. 64
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    …… and hard to control

  65. 65
    Anonymous says:

    Hey Guido,

    Just FYI, reported that ad that’s taking up all your MPUs to the ASA for being inappropriate and the Police for hate speech.


  66. 66
    Gideon says:

    The other name for a wig is rug. Still Brillo does look too bad even if he is wearing a rug

  67. 67
    Gideon says:

    If you are a normal healthy man, you should have need for sildenafil/sildenafil, if you walk down the street you would like a perve for up to 12 hours

  68. 68
    Gideon says:

    They do it on the run!

  69. 69
    Wun Hung Lo says:

    The spring rolls weren’t bad but the chicken tasted rubbery.

  70. 70
    Anonymous says:

    What Cameron meant to say was too many cock ups makes a cnut.
    I’ve made loads of cock ups, therefore I am..

  71. 71
    Anonymous says:

    Lets call it the “Tax of Envy against successful people in 2 Central London Borough’s”

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    Probably explains a lot about Labours northern politicians.

  73. 73
    David Chappell says:

    Sounds like he had a Trainspotting night

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    Don’t you mean the chicken tasted wubery

  75. 75

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