August 13th, 2013

Cruel Indy Lampoon Bryant’s Day With Spoof Diary

In 2006 the Guardian ran the following apology:

On September 25 – 28 2006 Guardian Unlimited published four articles entitled “Chris Bryant’s Manchester Diary”. They were spoof diaries and were meant to be lighthearted and humorous. We had believed that the content and line at the end of the articles, “Chris Bryant was speaking to Ros Taylor”, were sufficient indicators. However, Chris Bryant has informed us that some people took them seriously, which we regret. Mr Bryant himself had no involvement at all in writing the diaries and we accept that the content of the diaries was not an accurate reflection of his views. We apologise to Mr Bryant.

You would have though some the Indy would not repeat the same mistake, yet today’s spoof Chris Bryant diary makes for comic reading:

8.05am Stuck in the box/radio studio just off the hallway at 4 Millbank doing Today with Evan Davies (with whom I was at university). He’s quite rufty tufty… 

9.30am Arrive at the Local Government Association, text in hand, to deliver what I hope is a cogent, reflective argument about how we can make immigration work better for everyone.

It all seems to go fine. 

11.15am Back in my office. My inbox is inundated with emails from people agreeing with me…

“Rufty tufty” has to be the best euphemism Guido has heard in a while.


71 Comments

  1. 1
  2. 2
    This guy knows the score says:

  3. 3
    Vote UKIP get Hard Labour says:

    The original Bryant is funnier.

  4. 4
    nellnewman says:

    Is that it then ? chrisbryants excuse for his carcrash yesterday is that the speech was a spoof written by the graudian without his knowledge.

  5. 5
    This guy knows the score says:

    nell, do you have some congenital defect that makes you refer to everyone with their full name squashed together? Are you unable to type Chris Bryant? Do you have to put chrisbryant, davidcameron and cheeseandtomatopizza?

  6. 6
    Bryant is thick as mince says:

    Nothing more boring than a pair of Gaybos having a bytch. Bryant is a pretentious arsehole! He has choked on his own c*ck he is now forced to talk out of his arse.

  7. 7
    Bill Quango MP says:

    It would explain a lot. What other reason could he have for his Comedy performance yesterday?

  8. 8

    Get a life, for the love of God.

  9. 9
    Anthony Weiner says:

    Leave off Chris, he’s a man after my own heart.

  10. 10
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    Bryant claims he was badly briefed.

    Well he certainly was when he posed on a gay website in his underpants ;-)

  11. 11
    What University? says:

    ” Evan
    Davies (with whom I was at
    university). “???

    University for going for a jog up your arsehole with my tricky dicky?

    I bet you can park a bus up Bryant’s arseh*le! Sideways!

  12. 12
    samuel poops says:

    remember pete & duds’ scruffy old gits on a park bench diary sketch

    got up this morning

    went to the lavatory

    got back into bed again

    story of my life really

  13. 13
    I wish I didn't know says:

    Evan Davis has a “prince albert” ring.

  14. 14
    LalaLabour says:

    Is Ed Bawbags on Sabbatical?

  15. 15
    Daily Mail reader says:

    I have complained to Cameron about this numerous times and he is too lazy even to reply to my last two letters. What does he do all day? Probably chillaxing instead of attending to his duties. He should APOLOGISE and RESIGN.

  16. 16
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    Slightly Off Topic i know but i can’t resist:

    Kevin Rudd,Julia Gillard,Dame Edna,Rolf Harris your boys took a hell of a beating.

    Three nil, Three nil…

  17. 17
    The Rumour Mill says:

    Guido, is it true that Miliband has resigned?

  18. 18
    Just Saying. says:

    The thought than anyone; even an old age pensioner calling Evan Davies (the sniggering schoolboy), “ruffty tuffty” is hilarious.
    Reffty tuffty was an old adage given to people who were not only rough but tough.
    Evan will never fit that role in looks or deeds (except in the safe confines of the BBC studio).

  19. 19
    LalaLabour says:

    Yes. David works for some Charity!

  20. 20
    nellnewman says:

    +++Laugh+++

    Well put Sir!

  21. 21
    TWATson the fixer (demoted) says:

    Don’t worry I am here to protect them from the nasty Conservatives here down under. Can’t save the cricket team though.

  22. 22
    The BBC causes serious mental illness says:

    And is now shagging some elderly ex-first lady as well.

    In other news – Burnham telling Ed to up his game or resign ?

    In Ed’s defense, he has killed less people than Burnham.

  23. 23
    nellnewman says:

    I only use capitals and spaces for people I think are worthy.

    Given the above I could only , in conscience, use capitals and spaces for Cheese and Tomato Pizza.

  24. 24
    joolz says:

    we can only hope

  25. 25
    Oops I said it again. says:

    Save the Dodo Fund

  26. 26
    Aaron D Highside says:

    The effrontery of the Y-frontery!

  27. 27
    A Nonny Mouse says:

    Is that you Gordon?

  28. 28
    nellnewman says:

    And burnham has killed less people than bliar – but they’re all still labour though.

  29. 29
    Too much information says:

    And his nick name at the BBC is “Tinsel Tits” on account of his alleged nipple rings!

    http://www.theguardian.com/media/2005/nov/06/broadcasting.observerreview

  30. 30
    The BBC causes serious mental illness says:

    That point must be raised if the Blairites attempt a putsch.

    Methinks the Labour core would oppose that more than the right.

    Just for the record: Chilcot ?

  31. 31
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

    FOR ZERO LIBERTY AND ZERO DEMOCRACY, VOTE LIBERAL DEMOCRAT….DEMOCRACY

    EHHHH ??

  32. 32
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Lest we forget…

    http://order-order.com/2010/07/06/cast-out-chris-courts-kids/

    Dear Pantomime Dame, indeed.

  33. 33
    Tesco Human Capital Dept. says:

    Well at least we will no longer need to look overseas for shelf-stackers.

    Not until we have re-deployed the entire shadow cabinet anyway.

  34. 34
    Crispy Brown Pants says:

    The Labour Party is pants! Watson cannot run a mile let alone run an election campaign. Chukus yer Suit is next for a good fisting up the chuffy. Ed Balls will be applying to the little chef before the year is out. Ed is a goner! What a bunch of useless stunts!

  35. 35
    Mornington Crescent says:

    PPE at St. John’s Oxford followed by the Kennedy School of Government, Harvard, apparently (for Davis).

  36. 36
    RED ED - SON OF BROWN says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!

    CAN’T YOU HEAR ME SHOUTING NOOOOOO00000000OOOOOO00000 ???

  37. 37
    Britain says:

    Not if you love your country. He is a fucking tragedy

  38. 38
    Ed has them puzzled says:

  39. 39
    Point of Information 4 says:

    Only those with Eastern European backgrounds would get jobs in that field.

    Ed may be Ok, but the others will be on job seekers until they find less an employer which is prepared to employ locals.

  40. 40
    Ah! Monika reformed says:

    Ruffty Tuffty and hundreds more

    http://www.lyn.lowenstein.eu/projects/homo/euphemism.htm

  41. 41
    The Polls says:

    Not all the way from France, we can’t

  42. 42
    Harridan Harmanhater says:

    My partner, Jacqueline and I ( plus the Union bosses ) are all waiting quietly in the background….

  43. 43
    Vote UKIP get Tory Toffs and heir to Blair says:

    And all because Labour are losing far more votes to UKIP than the Tories.

  44. 44
    Vote UKIP get Tory Toffs and heir to Blair says:

    Chris Bryant is himself a spoof character played by Alan Partridge played by Steve Coogan played by Rory Bremner.

  45. 45
    Vote UKIP get Tory Toffs and heir to Blair says:

    While Labour have a character called Chucka Yourmoney they will never be taken seriously. He is just a spoof character played by Barak Obama.

  46. 46
    Crissy's Briefs are taking the piss. says:

    Tesco only employ fat chinese people with triple chins.

    Sainsbury are employing one eyed japs with Cycloplegia.

  47. 47
    East Lancs Tesco cultural enrichment team says:

    Eastern Europeans – LOL

    innit

  48. 48
    Shaun the Sheep says:

    Who’s the one in the one in the blue tie?

  49. 49
    Ed Millionaireband says:

    That Chuka ith really getting on my tith.

  50. 50
    Ed Miliband - vote for me says:

    If I tweak my nips like this, they express money.

  51. 51
    Jimmy says:

    David Miliband

  52. 52
    Villages up and down the land says:

    Many of us have a vacancy these days. Our idiots have gone abroad to gurn.

  53. 53
    Vote UKIP, get UKIP - Oh shit! Now what do we do? says:

    Result!

  54. 54
    Mars Attacks says:

    Thankfuckforthat – stuffed crust please!

  55. 55
    Len Mcdullard says:

    There are no Blairites and no Brownites.

    We are all Ed-cases. We a UNITED party now.

  56. 56
    Nigel Evans, Crispin Blunt, Michael Portillo, Derek Laud, Lord Boothby, Ted Heath, Peter Lilley says:

    No woofters in our party!

  57. 57
    Yeah, right... says:

    When troubles come they not as single spies but as battalions. (or very important politicians, huge of arse and ego, in this case)

  58. 58
    Vinnie Vidi-Vici says:

    Save us a slice of PIE when you start your new job at Greggs, Horrible.

  59. 59
    Yeah, right... says:

    How bad must things have got for Ed when he is being told to up his game by Andy Burnham?

  60. 60

    Spoofy woofy surely?

  61. 61
    Have you ever noticed that the Islamic for Allah looks like the Loch Ness monster ? says:

    I was thinking of rubbing coconut oil into my scalp too, it is supposed to be good for the follicles

  62. 62
    Anon. says:

    Oh dear. A foulmouthed, incoherent narcissist who would be shunned down his local pub.

  63. 63
    Bilda Berger says:

    Don’t talk about Mr Bryant like that, please.

  64. 64
    Jimmy says:

    I see what you did there.

  65. 65
    Chris Bryant says:

    I have made a balls up as my underpants showed earlier.

  66. 66

    Some Blue Labour twat enthralling the audience from the look of it. People only look that serious when they’re trying not to burst out in derisive laughter.

  67. 67
    Village Idiot says:

    ….I’m still here!!!!!!

  68. 68
    John Bull says:

    I didn’t realise it was a spoof until the bit about costal erosion forcing Romanian gypsies to claim benefits in Rotherham.

  69. 69
    The name is Cock, Handycock says:

    Another example of an uninformed, over egotistical politician opening his mouth about something that he has not properly briefed himself and about which he does not have the ability to properly brief himself, and I should know. Boaz.

  70. 70
    National (Y) Fronts rule says:

    The man’s a total arse – which is maybe why he loves himself so much?

    As for his media strategy, it’s ALWAYS been pants!

  71. 71
    Graham says:

    More substance in Bryant’s underpants than in his brain and in his speech.


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George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”


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