July 29th, 2013

Another Underw-Helm-ing Week at the Observer

Another stunning scoop from Westminster’s finest political editor. Fresh from his “someone was mean to me on the internet” splash a few months back this journalist of unrivalled political acumen has revealed in the Observer that leaders of rival political parties are not welcome in the secure zones of their rival’s conferences. So Farage will not be allowed to speak at Tory conference, nor presumably will Ed Miliband. This narrative smashing revelation is surely worthy of some sort of prize? Lets all give Toby Helm a big round of applause…

Guido will have another struggling Sunday pundit getting desperate later…


  1. 1

    Toby Helmet? Sounds a bit of a knob to me.


    • 31
      kropotkin says:

      I am astonished. I thought nothing could beat the Telegraph headline that ‘UKIP members oppose membership of EU’. On reflection Mr Helm comes a distant second.


  2. 2
    Lunchtime O'Booze says:

    Prescott ate all the pies.


  3. 3
    Millibands Secure Zone says:

    If you think your putting that bloody thing inside me…


  4. 4
    David Cameron says:

    I am the crisis that will leave you homeless,
    The heart attack you have through stress,
    The reason the hospital you need is closed,
    The prescription you cannot afford,
    The food shopping you cannot buy,
    The reason you feel ashamed to be disabled,
    The reason you no longer have a job,
    I am the reason you are called a scrounger,
    I am David Cameron,
    This is the Tory Party,
    We are your crisis,
    And we don’t care who or what you are


  5. 5
    Sardine anyone? says:


    • 7
      Sandra in Accounts says:

      Well being that close to taxpayers gives you more opportunity to pick their pockets.


    • 8
      P l e b says:

      Because it’s all private companies now.


      • 36
        kropotkin says:

        Indeed. If we still had British Rail the passengers would still be waiting to get on the train whilst the driver finished his prayers to the Blessed Crow.


    • 9

      Firefox can’t find the server at http://www.denismacshane.com.

      Oh dear! How can I live without it?


    • 10
      Mcshane says:

      Who’d have thought that letting millions into the country would lead to thirdy worldy living conditions?


      • 38
        Bonkers Boris says:

        Yes. Isn’t it wonderful? I have a Polish chimney sweep, Indian moat cleaner and (regrettably) a Geordie food taster. I still cannot understand why Cheffie prepares such small portions.


    • 21
      Commuter says:

      You can travel to London on National Express bus, McShane. Everyone gets a seat and it would save the taxpayer a few quid on your expenses too.


    • 24
      Sardine says:

      3rd world? Were there people on the roof?


    • 37
      Tay King-dePisse says:

      “Pilchards,” you pillock!

      They changed the name to “sardines” to make it sound classier somehow, but it’s all still the same old shit from the same old tin.

      Sorta like how another species of fish, a “Pollock,” changed ITS name to MacShane, but once again, it’s all the same old shit from the same old tin.


      • 40
        just asking says:

        Isn’t McShame due in court this week?


      • 42
        Anonymous says:

        You are thinking of the rebranding from pilchards to Cornish Sardines in the 90s. Sardines was widely used before then, just not by the Cornish fishing industry. Either term is correct (unlike most of the bloggers on this site).


      • 50
        The savant 10.4 highway patrol says:

        i’ve never plucked up the courage to take a pack of ” pollocks” from the supermarket cold area .

        is it any good ?

        what is it ?

        Rather like that japanese fish which can only be prepared by chefs with a special licence and public liability insurance, does it kill you if not prepared precisely to cooking instructions??


    • 49
      The savant 10.4 highway patrol says:

      coz there ‘ s no money left Denis .

      check with Liam


  6. 6
    Ed Miliband says:

    Bedroom Tax
    Andy Coulson
    Rebekah Brooks
    Food Banks
    Leon Brittan
    Peter Morrison
    Osborne’s paddock scam
    Children left in the pub
    43 Government U-turns
    Minimum alcohol pricing
    Anthony Bamford
    Adrian Beecroft
    Michael Spencer
    Peter Cruddas
    Lord Green
    Cigarette packaging & Lynton Crosby
    Fracking & Lynton Crosby


    • 14
      mine's a haiku says:

      Almost as bad as comment 4.
      At least he managed to get the first 2 lines to rhyme.
      Must try harder.


    • 19
      Nieve left wing twat says:

      On the success of the food bank we have opened a fag bank and also a booze bank.
      All are proving very popular.
      Goes to show that saying is true.
      ‘Build it and they will come’


      • 44
        kropotkin says:

        But you omitted the vital Kensington & Chelsea Champers Bank for Eton alumni too pissed to find their way to Harrods.


    • 22
      Sceptic says:

      Don’t believe that’s really Ed. He didn’t say “Tax cuts for millionaires”.


  7. 12
    Ah! Monika says:

    Len McCluskey is in Denial.

    Have we got a photo of him buying squid?


  8. 20
    Anonymous says:

    Let no one accuse Eric pickles of profundity.

    To save our town centres he wants to allow parking on double yellow lines for 15 minutes.

    15 minutes means continuous parking. One leaves, on arrives.
    To police it we need wardens that pass regularly.

    Yellow lines are there so the village can even function. With continuous parking, on both sides, there would be no deliveries as the vans would not be able to park. There would be no chance that the bus could pass. No one could get to the car park.

    So for the cost of the wardens why not make the car park free. Job done.

    Has Pickles had some medical complaint that has restricted blood flow to his brain. Every time he opens his mouth it seems reality is missing.


    • 26
      Branston says:

      I have a cunning plan.


    • 30
      Living in 97.223% white Merseyside says:

      I thought parking was already allowed for several hours in many places on double yellow lines. I am referring to the enriched areas of Londonistan etc.


    • 33
      Sir William Waad says:

      To be fait to Pickles if you weigh 130 kg (20 stone in old money), walking from the car park can be a trial; and, if you’re a politician, paying for anything yourself can be painful.


    • 45
      kropotkin says:

      Clearly Uncle Eric has not thought this through. If he parked himself on a double yellow line, firstly there would not be room for a bike to pass and secondly what if a bus ran into him? The passengers would not stand a chance.


    • 52
      The savant 10.4 highway patrol says:

      no nothing lie that
      . it’ s just that the cerebral lobotomy performed in harley street over the weekend unfortunately was not successful .


  9. 25
    Ah! Monika says:

    Would the Co-op slap a cover over this?



    • 27
      a non says:

      They already have a D notice on the right nipple.


    • 48
      The Co-op Pays The Piper ....... so says:

      It’s the co-op so Blinky Balls is going to provide a few nude pics of his missus to help out the cause.

      C’mon Yvette – we’re waiting! You can stick the red rosette over your fanny.


  10. 29
    Toby Helm says:

    I’m rudderless.


  11. 46
    Ringstone says:

    Helm’s piece seems to be a perfectly normal report about Nigel F [PBUH] addressing the Bruges group and trying to poach Tory MP’s.
    In the Telegraph however there is a “shock horror” Nigel [PBUH] refused pass article by someone named Robert Winnett.

    Crossed wires or lack of homework Guido?


  12. 47
    Anonymous says:

    Lifted this from a UKIP blog.


    ALL the constituencies below need top drawer candidates with easily accessible Wiki profiles, comparable to those that incumbent MPs have. In May 2015 an awful lot of people are going to read a name in a local newspaper and immediately go online to find information. If there is nothing there to find, then a potential vote is lost.

    At June 30th 2013 Survation poll % the probable results are…

    Bath Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Berwick-upon-Tweed Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Camborne and Redruth Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Carshalton and Wallington Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Colchester Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Cornwall North Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Devon North Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Eastbourne Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Eastleigh Diane James (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Hazel Grove Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Kingston and Surbiton Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Lewes Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Norfolk North Michael Baker (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Portsmouth South Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Sheffield Hallam Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Southport Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    St Ives Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Thornbury and Yate Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Torbay Unknown (UKIP gain from CON)
    Twickenham Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Westmorland and Lonsdale Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Yeovil Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)
    Brecon and Radnorshire Unknown (UKIP gain from LIB)

    Other Constituencies with best demographic fit to UKIP are…

    Boston and Skegness
    South Holland and The Deepings
    Cambridgeshire North East
    Brigg and Goole
    Crewe and Nantwich
    Herefordshire North
    Hereford and South Herefordshire
    Norfolk North West
    Bognor Regis and Littlehampton
    Merthyr Tydfil and Rhymney
    Worcestershire Mid
    Morecambe and Lunesdale
    Doncaster Central
    Gainsborough and Louth
    Worcestershire West
    Norfolk Mid
    Hull West and Hessle
    Norfolk West
    Grantham and Stamford



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