July 26th, 2013

Friday Caption Contest (Cock and Bull Edition)


182 Comments

  1. 1
    John Ward (Medway) says:

    “Stop crowing, Boris: that’s my job!”

  2. 2

    It’s a giant blue cock, so obviously I call him Dave.

  3. 3
    John Ward (Medway) says:

    Boris: “Even the cockerel is Conservative blue on my patch!”

  4. 4
    Selohesra says:

    Blue cock poses by statue

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    Spiiffing,so now i have humped that.Who wants some Boris ?

  6. 6
    Boaz says:

    It’s called Hahn Cock

  7. 7
    Andrew Efiong says:

    “I can’t control my cock”

  8. 8
    Antipo-dean says:

    How else did you think my hair got this colour?

  9. 9
    thedukeofhunslet says:

    “There is absolutely NO truth that there are subliminal messages embedded in everything I do and say”

  10. 10
    Anonymous says:

    Massive blue cock

  11. 11
    Chris Bryant says:

    I like a big cock !

  12. 12
    Palab Gauche says:

    After learning of Anthony Weiner and Chris Bryant, Boris Johnson decides to pose for a photo with his big cock.

  13. 13
    Mrs Entity says:

    Look at the size of my genetically engineered Tory Blue Cock! Says Boris to bewildered passers by in London today. It was later revealed that after asking a number of ladies (some of an advanced age) to look at his Big Blue Cock that Boris was taken away to be assessed by medical practitioners who were worried he’d finally cracked & stopped taking his medication.

  14. 14
    Bill Sikes' Dog says:

    I know what you’re thinking , but it’s not mine .

  15. 15
    Johnny Onionman says:

    Allez les Bleus!

    • 33
      Zinadine Zidane says:

      “What did you say?” *thump*”

      • 124
        Izzy says:

        Boris : What do you think of my cock?
        .
        .
        Embarrassed lady in white: ——For God’s sake stop crowing and by the way Boris

        what did the left nut say to the right nut?

        don´t talk to the man in the middle, he´s a dick.

  16. 16
    Labour Party Group Comedy Workshop says:

    Give us a few days we need to work Linton Crosby into our caption.

  17. 17
    M. Ollond says:

    Zees fooking ros bifs

  18. 18
    chicken licking says:

    The Sky is falling !

    But is it the Socialists, the LibDems or just one of Boris’ conquests coming to his end.

  19. 19
    Rickytshirt says:

    Oh look, Kensington Fried Chicken!

  20. 20
    chickpea57 says:

    “Another Boris cock-up!”

  21. 21
    nellnewman says:

    The strutting french cock Lorded over by Nelson. How appropriate!

  22. 22
    No more Weiner jokes says:

    ‘What a totally bizarre thing to put in such a prestigious position,’ says big blue chicken as he catches sight of London mayor.

  23. 23
    Coq Sportive says:

    Has it crossed your mind that somebody might be taking the piss Boris?.

  24. 23
    PJH says:

    Massive Blue Cock found in Trafalgar Square.

    In other news, someone’s put a bird on a plinth.

  25. 25
    iPadpatriot says:

    The deranged promotes the free-ranged

  26. 26

    ‘Boris, you’re a super Bullshitter. But I can shit over you!’

  27. 27
    Rickytshirt says:

    In honour of Mr Livingstone I’m calling him Ken. Chic-Ken.

  28. 28
    Claire Perry says:

    Boris appears to be linking to an enormous cock. I am, frankly, appalled.

  29. 29
    Gez says:

    Boris unveils new multi-million pound transport system for Londoners.

  30. 30
    SP4 BS says:

    “I know that this photo opportunity is a great big trap, and a painfully obvious opportunity for caption competitions, but what the hell, I can get away with anything. Hoorah”

  31. 31
    Gez says:

    Boris denies getting laid after boozy night out with Gove.

  32. 32
    iPadpatriot says:

    Boris demands a coup

  33. 34
    Claire Perry MP says:

    Have it uploaded to my website a.s.a.p. Fawkes!

  34. 35
    shudder says:

  35. 36
  36. 37
    Breaking News says:

    Former BBC broadcaster Stuart Hall’s 15-month sentence for a series of indecent assaults is doubled by the Court of Appeal

  37. 38
    Claire Perry says:

    Guido is at it again! Now he’s hosting a site with pictures of big cocks!

    BAN HIM! BAN HIM! TURN OFF THE INTERNET! WHERE IS THE OFF BUTTON KEPT?

  38. 40
    TOO FAR says:

    Have you seen my big Cock

  39. 42
    Peter Grimes says:

    I wouldn’t, would you?

  40. 44
    Coq Sportive says:

    Boris unveils London’s new runway, Bluebird is ready for take-off.

  41. 45
    Bill Quango MP-x says:

    Boris: is it..her? .It is? ..Its the vicar of Dibley?

  42. 46
    shudder says:

    Gweedo changa da pictcha.

  43. 48
    Wotcher Cock says:

    “If it was up to me I’d have put my cock in her – or any woman prepared to breed with me.”

  44. 49
    illogical says:

    Is Boris training to be a proctologist?
    This new photo and the last seem to suggest his index finger is as important as his cock.
    Maybe he just has his bi-cycles.

  45. 51
    EC1 PhD says:

    Madame Hollande, your husband’s coq est magnifique

  46. 52
    vogue says:

    Where do you get white triangular raincoats?

  47. 54
    bergen says:

    Boris says , “My wife told me to take my cock elsewhere so I did.”

  48. 55
    Sir Wiiliam W says:

    Le coq sportif.

  49. 57
    Spandex Yfronts says:

    Don’t think much of the new Boris bike..I mean where’s the fucking wheels for start?

  50. 58
    Anonymous says:

    “I’ll show you. Mine cock is slightly bigger”

  51. 59
    Wayne Rooney says:

    Have the wings sent round to my place, I’ve despatched the chauffeur in the Bentley.

  52. 61
    Maggot Malone says:

    fuck me, but this man’s an idiot…

  53. 62
    a non says:

    Stupid cow photobombs a cock and bull story.

    To save the day Boris puts his finger in the dyke.

  54. 62
    Palab Gauche II says:

    “Chicken or pork?”

  55. 64
    Anonymous says:

    So whats the latest on Claire Perry, has the judge donned his black cap yet ??

  56. 65
    Luke says:

    She gripped it so tight, I ended up with a massive blue cock.

  57. 66
    Ed Balls says:

    Too Blue too big

  58. 68
    Caption Guy says:

    Cock-a-girl-or-two

  59. 71
    Lady DingDong says:

    Did my big blue cock scare you?

  60. 72
    Sir Wiiliam W says:

    As the Bullingdon Club demanded the return of their mascot, Boris tried to blame an innocent bystander.

  61. 73
    Bill Quango MP-x says:

    When i asked for a photo of me with a Boris bike, I didn’t mean Petronella Wyatt.

  62. 75
    Chukkie Ummuna says:

    The black one is bigger.

  63. 76
    Cameron hates the UK & Loves the EU says:

    So I pulled the trigger, wam bam, ra ra, and 9 months later this came out

  64. 77
    Sir Wiiliam W says:

    OR

    Those pesky students from the Agricultural College had struck AGAIN.

  65. 79
    Ed Miliblunder says:

    We thoud have a Judthe lead Inquiry into thith cock.

  66. 80
    Rickytshirt says:

    This is, in fact, not the first time this lady standing here to my left has seen a cock of similarly gargantuan proportions.

  67. 81
    Bill Quango MP-x says:

    Photographer: Where did you get the blue cock from Boris?

    Boris: ermm..er…well with this hot weather..err…Boxer shorts in the icebox.

  68. 82
    Polly Toynbee's Butt Plug says:

    Dickhead responsible for cock-up.

  69. 83
    Boris says:

    9 out of 10 female journalists prefer Blue Cock

  70. 85
    Bill Quango MP-x says:

    “Len McClucksky”

  71. 86
    The BBC says:

    All of our male journalists do too!

  72. 87
    Boris says:

    Now watch Guido’s readers produce 500 juvenile knob jokes!

  73. 88
    Anonymous says:

    Oh Boris, when you said big pecker ..

  74. 89
    just yoking says:

    Jerks son frontieres.

    An International quandary. What or who came first?.

    Boris and his cock, nudges up against the chick and her eggs.

    Obviously a win-win, Darwin situation

  75. 92
    Sir William Wade says:

    Kings of the Dungheap.

  76. 93
    BBC 24 Hr rolling bollocks says:

    Cockzilla the biggest threat to London since the GLC?
    Boris suggests shooting it to government scientist.

  77. 94
    poet's day (almost) says:

    … the queue for the fourth plinth gets even more desperate…

  78. 95
    foghorn leghorn says:

    Whoa! Back-up boy.

    I is just guarding these chickens.

  79. 96
    Anonymous says:

    “Did you hear what she just said to me? She said she’d like to have my babies!”

  80. 97
    Owen(rentboy)Jones says:

    I hate blue cocks, I never swallow!

  81. 98

    Boris: “Next, week. this woman (points) will be exposing her giant purple beaver”

  82. 99
    johnnyards says:

    Look, even she’s going to tell Guido Fawkes that she’s saw my cock now.

  83. 100
    Cyril "Barmy" Fotheringay-Phipps says:

    Boris fails to give correct V-sign to Clare Short.

  84. 102
    Bazinga! says:

    Boris is asked to point to where he put his cock last night.

  85. 104
    Richard Timney says:

    Oh God! Someone’s hacked pornhub. All I’m getting is this pic and photos of Claire Perry.

  86. 105
    Diana Abbott says:

    I’ve never seen a chicken that hasn’t been fried before.

  87. 106
    Boris says:

    We need a new London airport. Even birds have no where to land.

  88. 107
    Charles Moore says:

  89. 108
    Eric Joyce says:

    Even Handycock would not shag that.

  90. 109
    Margaret Beckett says:

    I laughed so much I did a fanny-fart

  91. 111

    Woman laughs as Boris’s Giant Blue Rooster (Twinkle) is finally lashed onto a concrete plinth to prevent drunks pulling it off.

  92. 112
    Richard Head says:

    Go home, face arrest, or get your photo taken with a ridiculous blue cock.

  93. 113
    Lard John Presclott says:

    My secretary said mine was poultry!

  94. 114
    ITS BLEAK IN SUNDERLAND WITH 3 LABOUR MPS AND NO FOOD BANKS says:

    My thats a big cock

  95. 116
    Ed Chap says:

    I thought she wanted a tory blue cock, not a 4-storey blue cockerel!!

  96. 117
    Chubby Chaser says:

    Can a lady politician please send me a picture of her big arse?

  97. 119
    David Davis says:

    Le Coq au White Van Man

  98. 120
    Anonymous says:

    She said “How do you like my huge cock?” and I replied “Crickey woman, that’s my line usually”.

  99. 121
    retype says:

    Pull my finger!

  100. 122
    Curly says:

    The cock with three tits.

  101. 125
    bergen says:

    Now Stephanie Flanders prefers a red one.

  102. 127
    Grabbit and Scarper says:

    I said we wanted a blue copper wheel

  103. 128
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Cherie said she’d like to see one enormous Tory cock up so blame her for it.

  104. 129
    rogertil says:

    Will a Trafalgar Square cock fit in a round hole ?

  105. 130
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Two Tory cocks

  106. 131
    Anonymous says:

    Oh Boris! Here? Now?

  107. 132
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Its pays to advertise

  108. 133
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Its big, its blue and it available for your Ladies”

  109. 134
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Mayor promises that everyone can now enjoy his cock not just an Metropolitan elite

  110. 135

    Blame her – it’s not my fault that this is the only acceptable entry out of thousands in the “Cock on a Plinth” competition.

  111. 136
    Izzy says:

    Blue chicken says “Its nice up here. You get to see all sorts of complete idiots passing by. Talking of which———”

  112. 137
    Observer says:

    Mr Johnson: “I envisage this coming in to land at Boris Island airport.”

  113. 138
    DSquad says:

    My kind of strumpet. Been round a bit. Had a cockatoo……..

  114. 139
    Anonymous says:

    Some day my plinth will come…and today’s the day!

  115. 142
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    Well from the original photo sent out with the WordPress notification of a new post email I was going to go with:

    ‘what an oeuf!’ (Even though I happen to be a fan).

    It doesn’t really work with this updated photo though. I assume that that is Clare Short… so ‘and then Clare said “I’m not sitting on that (predictable from above) massive blue cock”‘.

  116. 143
    sheen says:

    So I quickly inserted my finger right into the blighters rectum, but it made no difference, we all got covered in the ghastly ghastly stuff.

  117. 144
    Lizzie says:

    She asked where she could find the biggest cock in London!

    She said it looks just like me!

  118. 145
    Mehdi Hasan is a racist says:

    Boris “I’m only giving the female electorate want. Now even the ugly ones can view my cock.”

  119. 147
    Boris says:

    Okay you’ve scraped the sniff test…4 fingers in a kit kat but only these two in you.

  120. 148
    Ah! Monika says:

    At least the cock has a comb.

  121. 150
    SARAH BROWN full time carer says:

    Boris Johnson asks Dawn French to pull his finger

  122. 151
    Mike E says:

    “There…There….Seems to be some kind of Gargantuan Mis-understanding going on here…When people ask for a Giant Blue Cock most Londoners mean me?”

  123. 153

    Ha! ha!


    12 Schrödinger’s cat says:
    July 26, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I shall be conducting my usual ministries upon the shores of the Adriatic today. Knew you not that I must be about my Father’s business?

    Consequently, I shall not be around for the Caption Contest.

    Having consulted Madame Matilda at the end of the pier, with her crystal ball and gingham scarf, I should like to record my entry now without having had benefit of sight of the anxiously-awaited-by-all picture.

    My entry is: Cockwaffle!

  124. 154
    Cockalegover says:

    Ghanaian fraudster Fools British council.

    [Ekow Eshun – Chair of Fourth Plinth Commissioning Group]

  125. 155
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Under the Conservatives everyone in London has a big cock now…and the statues not bad either

  126. 156
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Be honest madam, have you seen one that size before?

  127. 157
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    At any time the size of my brain is in inverse proportion to the size of my statue

  128. 159
    Anonymous says:

    ” Anybody got a tissue?”

  129. 160
    Spel-it-rite says:

    A powder-blue cockerel called Hector
    Accused Boris of being a vector,
    But Boris poo-pooed:
    ‘To point is so rude,
    But not when you would disrespect her.’

  130. 161
    Judge says:

    In conclusion, a pretty weak set of jokes( including my own under a different moniker), lots too many cock gags. Btw, by far the funniest comment I’ve seen today was by fishy mong, no.63 on Dave in Portugal.

  131. 162
    leighman says:

    You should see what it does when you stroke it!

  132. 163
    leighman says:

    So you see – I have no trouble keeping my pecker up after taking those blue pills

  133. 164
    leighman says:

    It goes purple when it’s angry!

  134. 165
    Blair's Paid Ego Parrot says:

    ‘… And that more or less tells you the tease this woman is! ‘

  135. 166
    Ministry of Magick says:

    The model I had was black and blue

  136. 168
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “My name is Boris and I’m a cockaoholic”

  137. 169
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Has anyone else a child with them they would like me to autograph?”

  138. 170
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “I was going to bring the whole family today but the square isn’t big enough”

  139. 171
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Welcome to my new London Airport where passengers will be whisked away from the very centre of town on the backs of giant flying chickens!

  140. 172
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Well someones done a whiff waff …..was it you?”

  141. 173
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    “Claire Perry was due to be with me today but someone told her I was uncovering my big cock and she cried off for some reason”

  142. 174
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    In a Terry Thomas voice “Well, cock a Doodle Do Madam ……fancy a quick one afterwards….I know this spiffing little wine bar “

  143. 175
    Cornish Pilchard says:

    Sadly for Boris Claire Perry’s new porn filter excluded all mention of his new Cock on the interwebthingy ……

  144. 176
    Aparat says:

    “Oh, crikey o’mally! I, err…how do I put this? Oh, fiddlesticks! I…I think I remember choking it, with my good mukka, Michael, and it looks like it might have, err, turned a bit blue…but it’s a mighty blue, don’t you think? And at least it won’t fall off, unlike my good mate, Michael, who….well, let’s not get into that…[mumble, mumble, mumble].”

  145. 177
    Paul clayton says:

    Yes we told the artist that she had free range!

  146. 178
    Lexander says:

    I remember we used to call it “finger pie” and you could take a sniff at it for days.

  147. 179
    geordieboy says:

    Chicken shit makes a change from pigeon shit but thank Boris it can’t fly.

  148. 180
    Ed Chap says:

    Just for once, its her cock up and not mine…

  149. 181
    Ministry of Magick says:

    Cock eyed maid

  150. 182
    jackie says:

    “You bring the Blue Bols and I’ll supply the cock, oldgirl!”


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Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”



orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?


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