July 1st, 2013

Naff “Global Race” Here To Stay
It Will Be Tory Party Conference Theme

It took the Prime Minister less than ten seconds to get the buzz words “global race” into his press conference at the end of the EU summit this week. Every Tory popping up on TV over the weekend dropped it into conversation and you can expect to hear it a lot more. As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun column, the naff phrase will be the theme of this year’s Conservative Party Conference. Ministers have been asked to come up with policies to be unveiled in Manchester that reflect this focus grouped message. While this is easy for the likes of Business and the Foreign Office, more domestic departments have been left baffled.

So what Global Race is the UK winning?

We are doing pretty well in the “Biggest Deficit in Europe” Category: We are in third there, just behind Greece and Ireland.

In the “Slowest Growth Rate in the G20″, the UK is also nearly in the lead, just behind Japan and Italy.

We are winning gold in the “Slowest growth in the English-speaking world” category!

Image via @GeneralBoles


  1. 1
    C.O.Jones says:

    Would that fall into this category.


  2. 2
    Frank Carson says:

    In an automotive first, a backwards car is due to be unveiled at the 2013 Frankfurt Motor Show.

    The Islamborghini.

  3. 3
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    I’m sure there is money to be made bumming other men

  4. 4
    Frank Carson says:

    I thought prison conditions in Britain were too cushy, but I’ve just been reading an article about Guantanamo Bay.

    The inmates there get all the bacon butties they can eat and booze they can drink. Some of them even get sports days, when they’re taken overseas to go ‘water boarding’. Lucky bastards.

  5. 5
    Frank Carson says:

    It’s really funny when you meet someone who has the same name as a famous fictional character who did the same work as them, like a real Postman Pat or a real Bob the Builder.

    Well by living in Rochdale, I’ve met plenty of paedophiles called M*hammed.

  6. 6
    Frank Carson says:

    It’s really funny when you meet someone who has the same name as a famous fictional character who did the same work as them, like a real Postman Pat or a real Bob the Builder.

    Well by living in Rochdale, I’ve met plenty of *aedophiles called M*hammed.

  7. 7
    Anti-Libertarian says:

    Global race my fecking a*rse!

    This is just coded speil for high finance and corporations to profit from labour arbitrage, playing off wages in the West against cheap labour in Asia. As Marie Le Pen stated about this con trick…”It is the law of the jungle”.

  8. 8
    Ed Balls says:

    Running over a pensioner was an existential experience.

  9. 9

    BBC says it paid £25m in severance payments to 150 senior managers in the three years to December 2012

  10. 10

    Your licence fee money put to good use, eh?!

  11. 11
    Anti-Libertarian says:

    Do you relaise that you and your “jokes” are just showing you up for the useful idiot that you are?

    Don’t hate the immigrants. Send them home. But don’t hate them.

    Save your hate for those who encourgaged them to come here. And breed. In order to deliberately fragment and ghettoise the nation.

  12. 12
    misself himself says:

    its the ARMS RACE stoopid – part of boris’s london paralytics

  13. 13
    F.Nietzsche says:

    Man is something to be surpassed, no that doesn’t mean ignoring the traffic regs Mr Balls

  14. 14
    Gawd Help Us says:

    Will this be the global race to the bottom they’re turning the country into?

  15. 15
    Bread & Circuseseseses'es says:

    Open insult to Cameron…

    Fuck off you spinmeister twat

  16. 16
    BBC Marketing strap says:

    “Spending your money so you don’t have to”

  17. 17
    Arse fuck for freedom says:

    More like a “Global Race to the BOTTOM” (geddit?)

  18. 18
    Anthony Blanche says:

    There always has been my dear!
    Juicy Dave is really too hot! And as for Willy Hague well what can one say? The way he tortures vowels gives one a hint of the delights to be had from his mouth! I’d marry him tomorrow the naughty boy.

  19. 19
    Cwispy Bwyant, Dan Kwczchzchzcjhjchjxhzczhzski and a load of other brown-hatters says:

    Race to the bottom?


  20. 20
    Xi Jinping says:

    Surely its Grobal?

  21. 21
    Matilda says:

    Is this global race the one featuring:
    …. white v black v yellow etc?
    …. or rich v poor?
    …. or left v right?
    …. or east v west?
    …. or north v south?

    We need a few more details before submitting an entry form.

  22. 22
    gramma says:

    Maybe not quite Chariots of Fire Guido but at least give Dave and Co the kudos for attempting the Reliant Robin of Smouldering Ashes.

    Wev’e all seen a lot of robbin in government these last few weeks

  23. 23
    Grope Lane says:

    Global race to have the highest paid MPs?

  24. 24
    Steve. says:

    Don’t pay it. http://tinyurl.com/nqsa8mr Quite funny too.

  25. 25
    Anonymous says:

    A pity we are not allowed to name the culprits – at least, not on this blog.

  26. 26
    Jack Straw says:


  27. 27
    Anthony Blanche says:

    Dog days my dears and they all know it. You can rage and have your online fantasy but power and wealth is moving away from ‘Britain’ your elite know it and will do what they’ve always done and follow the money. Your middle class will be the ones to lose most and be forever embittered. Your ‘working class’ will only notice once their free money does not turn up. Still there you have moved up the in the race for most gay sex in a single legislature! My recent visit as a guest of one of you MPs left even me shocked at being propositioned by a tipsy young man in one of the bars! What delight you British can be.

  28. 28
    JadedJean says:

    What you have to take into account when you hear these inane comments from the liblabcon mouth pieces is that their very policies of importing immigrants from mainly third world countries is that we are importing a dysgenic and economic time bomb that will continue to drag the UK down the conomic league tables. Average IQ values from which the migrants are coming from are way below average European IQ values. It is also well known from research that lower intelligence is STRONGLY correlated to higher TFR’s (higher rates of breeding). It’s all to do with the relationship between intelligence and the will to withstand instant gratification btw (an analogy is that more intelligent people are less inclined to get into debt for example). It’s a behavioural thing. GDP is strongly correlated to average population IQ.

    I’m afraid this will all end in tears for the nation state.

  29. 29
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron would have been at Eton when it was used for the filming of Chariots of Fire – is that a real picture or just an expert piece of photoshopping?

  30. 30
    Steve Miliband says:

    Are the BBC back from Glastonbury yet?

  31. 31
    Hodge the Dodge says:

    + 10K

  32. 32
    Gideon says:

    that all sounds a bit Bell Curve…

    this country is fucked, i’ll give you that though.

  33. 33
    US Supreme Court says:

    “I’d marry him tomorrow the naughty boy.”
    And now, in certain states you can, and the Feds won’t mind anymore, Ducky, not after we’ve struck down the Defense of Marriage Act.
    Tell that Dave character to get with it and get that whole gay marriage deal passed, so you can, too!

  34. 34
    cotedebeaune says:

    Dont’ be daft, they get 2 days off in lieu to recover.

    Where’s Twatson this morning by the way…over to I Spy an MP???

  35. 35
    Specsavers says:

    A prime example of a prospect who did not purchase from us.

  36. 36
    BBC red bottom says:

    Not yet dude.
    There’s so many of us here we have got our own conference tent. We’re doing the autumn schedules.

  37. 37
    Dave the Eaten Faggot says:

    We’re in the front runners in the Gay Marriage Global Race.

  38. 38
    Parker says:

    What does Naff mean? I know what the Nafi is but no idea about Naff.

    I’ve heard it mentioned several times and assume it is either very good or very bad so it would be nice to clear that one up.


  39. 39
    Moshe says:

    It’s an homage to the hebe’s.

  40. 40
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Ecclesiastes 9:11, “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

    “The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.” — Damon Runyon, “More Than Somewhat”

    Damon Runyon, the original 9-11 truther?

  41. 41
    Francois Hollande says:

    But for long, eh? When I realised just ‘ow unpopular zis gay marriage idea was, I leapt at the chance.
    If I drop just two more poll points i shall be less popular than Gillard.

  42. 42
    JadedJean says:

    Yes, it is all about Hernnstein and Murray’s famous book called “The Bell Curve”…and look at how those two renowned scientists were treated after its publication by the foaming-at-the-mouth neo-lib (i.e. libertarians) just for publishing science fact.

    Look up the US’s ETS organisation’s video on his very subject. The US will go the same way as the UK.

  43. 43
    Egg Miliband says:

    I pledge to make this nation a world leader at egg and spoon.

  44. 44
    Living in 97.2% white Merseyside says:

    Where are we in the benefits race?

  45. 45
    World wide Words says:

    Something that’s naff in Britain (and also in Australia) is inferior and lacks taste or style.
    Many attempts have been made to explain the origin, which are made more difficult by there being not only an adjective but also a verb, which usually appears as the impolite instruction to naff off!, an obvious euphemism for fuck off!

    The adjective featured in a famous BBC radio comedy series of the 1960s, Round the Horne, written by Barry Took and Marty Feldman. A regular sketch featured a couple of gay men named Julian and Sandy, who frequently used naff as a term of abuse: “I couldn’t be doing with a garden like this… I mean all them horrible little naff gnomes.” Round the Horne certainly brought the word into the wider British vocabulary. It became famous later when Princess Anne was reported to have told photographers to naff off when they snapped her coming off her horse and taking a ducking at the Badminton Horse Trials (though a reporter who was there told me some years ago during a radio broadcast that this was a euphemism by journalists reporting the incident and that Anne actually used the F-word.)


  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    There’s only room on the bus for Tom Watson.

  47. 47
    Insurance Scam more like. says:

    Smethwick blaze caused by Chinese lantern ‘could burn for days’


  48. 48
    Living in 97.2% white Merseyside says:

    And yet surveys always show that pupils of Indian and Chinese origin out perform other groups in education.

  49. 49
    No such thing as society says:

    Unfortunately the race his entered into is the egg and spoon race for retards.

  50. 50
    The definition of naff says:

    Mumford and sons

  51. 51
    HenryV says:

    That Frenchie Le Pen woman has more balls than Call Me Dave. Socialism, red or blue, is dead the people have seen it for what it is a self-serving philosophically empty creed. Lie to the little people while we make money; do as we say not as we do. If you look at the true political movers in the West, the new wave, they are all right wing. We need a leader who puts Britain first. We can work with our European neighbours and the US without having to be subordinate. Good fences mean good neighbours. Better to advance in one direction than try to placate all.

  52. 52
    Stormont MLA says:


  53. 53
    b-b-p says:

    David Cameron’s fury as top Tories plot UKIP pact which could make leader Nigel Farage a minister
    The rogue Westminster summit met on 24th June to discuss how the two parties might form a coalition government .The House of Commons meeting with Mr Farage’s party on June 24 was organised by Tory think tank the Bow Group, whose president is former Tory PM Sir John Major, and Conservative Grassroots, representing local parties.


  54. 54
    Gideon says:

    Jean the bell curve is a crock and you are pushing racist shite.

    do one

  55. 55
    A swivel-eyed loon says:

    A race to eliminate Swan’s incandescent masterpiece?

  56. 56
    Andrew Efiong says:

    From the perspective of international business I can see how the UK needs to be more competitive. But the average voter doesn’t grasp the concept, even if it affects their wages and living standards.

    If anything it’s going to scare people worrying their losing out to the Chinese.

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    There has been a global race on for a few years.

    Imagine a rabid dog chasing a group of people. Everyone is screaming and trying to out run the dog.

    The intelligent ones save themselves and just hold themselves in front of the flailing crowd so that they are clearly protected by the back markers.

    As each back marker is savaged by the dog the clever ones just move up one place expending just enough to hold their position.

    Finally the dog has enough to work with, and the leaders can relax further.

    The race is not to win, it is a global race not to lose.

    As long as everyone prints money and cooks the books equally the race is on. A little deception, or a false statistic, will just maintain our position in the crowd. Keeping the deception going the longest, and elbowing out a few competitors with targeted attacks on their economy, just maintains the slight advantage we need.

    There is no end to this race it just gets slower. But is it something that a real leader highlights?

  58. 58
    A nincumpoop says:

    “The BBC paid out £25m in severance payments to senior BBC managers in the three years to December 2012, according to a National Audit Office report.

    “The BBC said the savings it had made during that time from senior manager redundancies exceeded the cost of severance payments.

    “The BBC’s director general Tony Hall said: “These payments were from another era and we are putting a stop to them”.”

    Putting a stop to saving money. What’s the BBC coming to?

  59. 59
    Big Bad Boris says:

    Not sure that Dave is that hot – and the tubby cvnt bears no resemblance to the picture above.

  60. 60
    millionaire authoritarian Kinnochio says:

    when will the Tories choose a Conservative to lead them?

  61. 61
    Anonymous says:

    Perhaps we lead the world in letting primitive jurisdictions, including the American Lack of Justice System, extradite our nationals whenever they happen to feel like it.

    Must make the Home Office proud.

  62. 62
    Entrepreneur says:

    I don’t know

  63. 63
    Diomalco says:

    Wish politicos would spare us the infantilism

  64. 64

    It’s noble to go global! Global lobbying and global orientation mentality. Have a Globalcoke and a Globalburger now on sale in the Global village market place!

  65. 65
    Anonymous says:

    The GLOBAL RACE is what ? – population growth, laying tarmac at the fastest pace, building houses in a record time – just so we can say we do it faster than another country – nice phrase

  66. 66
    Budgie says:

    So is Cameron the village global racist?

  67. 67
    Anonymous says:

    My dear, the whole thing was t-t-t-too macabre!

  68. 68
    Anonymous says:

    How the fuck are we supposed to compete with the Chinese and Indians when THEY don’t have:

    • Elf ‘n’ safety
    • Unions
    • Social care
    • Minimum wages
    • Benefits

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Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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